New Wizards

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Does Hogwarts accept adults? Join Josh as he reads Harry Potter for the first time with the guidance of his co-host and patronus Aaron. Discover or re-visit all seven books through the eyes of some grown nerds.

Aaron Horton & Josh Nalven


    • Feb 11, 2019 LATEST EPISODE
    • infrequent NEW EPISODES
    • 34m AVG DURATION
    • 64 EPISODES


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    Latest episodes from New Wizards

    Movie Watch-Along Recap — Goblet of Fire

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 11, 2019 26:13


    Like a burst of red sparks from somewhere in a hedge maze, our fourth movie watch-along has appeared! Hear us react to emo Ron, Mad Eye “Too Much Business” Moody, and geek the fuck OUT over the graveyard scene. Watch-along MP3 available at newwizards.fm!

    Movie Watch-Along Recap — Prisoner of Azkaban

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 7, 2019 24:50


    After a holiday break, the wizards are back with movie three! How many times will we mention “Primer?” Is Josh capable of identifying Gary Oldman? Will the werewolf be scary, or will it have more of a Deviantart kind of vibe? Hear our recap here, and check newwizards.fm for the watch-along MP3!

    Movie Watch-Along Recap — Chamber of Secrets

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 22, 2018 27:45


    We’re clipping along and getting snaked up! Listen to us go gaga for Gilderoy, consider Salazar Slytherin’s impeccable taste in home furnishings, and wonder aloud how it is that kids grow like that. Watch along with us via the MP3 at newwizards.fm!

    Movie Watch-Along Recap — Sorcerer's Stone

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 8, 2018 17:33


    It’s the recap to our first watch-along! Tune-in to hear us gush about (and misidentify) British actors. This was a really good one! The watch-along MP3 can be had at the bottom of newwizards.fm — let us know what you think!

    We Open At The Close — Series Epilogue

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 9, 2018 36:43


    Wow… what a wild ride :’) We want to thank everyone for listening and reading along with us! We reflect on what magic really *is* one last time, consider the series as a whole, and most importantly, accept that Hogwarts is somewhere in the Scottish countryside. Stay tuned for the movie recaps and watch-alongs coming soon!

    Post-Story Mailbag — Bonus Episode

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 2, 2018 42:34


    Our last mailbag episode! :’-) Thank you so, so much for all your questions and interactions throughout the series! We consider Ron — the REAL Ron — and finally discuss Gay Dumbledore, and the differences between fantasy and sci-fi. Thankfully, it doesn’t take an hour. And if you were hoping we’d touch on that voluptuous snake once more, well folks… you will not be disappointed.

    We Can See Thestrals Now — Book 7, Ch. 35-36

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 25, 2018 38:48


    In this stunning conclusion to the main story, basically all of our in-jokes and running bits become real. Were the Wachowskis a major influence for JK Rowling? Will Sonic the Hedgehog show up in the epilogue? Where did Neville learn swordplay? His Granny, probably.

    Strongbottom, imo — Book 7, Ch. 32-34

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 18, 2018 60:35


    Everyone’s favorite buxom snake returns, and spurns Snape’s thirsty advances — what a creep. We explore what brought him here, and consider the biggest question of the series thus far: is Snape good? We get looney with Aunt Tuney, and celebrate the books’ primary protagonist. Harry’s there too, but he dies.

    OOO in Albania — Quick Update

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 24, 2018 2:20


    The wizards are taking a longer-than-usual break! Next episode to come mid-September. In the meantime, send your questions, comments, and howlers to newwizardspodcast@gmail.com!

    A Warrior’s Wheeze — Book 7, Ch. 31

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 21, 2018 34:54


    House Slytherin drafts the traitor McLaggan from Gryffindor. Albania is the spookiest place on Earth, like WHAT is going on there?! Ron commits Parselfraud, lol. RIP to Crabbe… we think. Right? A real hero shows ‘em how to die.

    House of Flying Daggers — Book 7, Ch. 28-30

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 14, 2018 41:02


    This is now a Minerva Mcgonagall stan podcast. Harry’s getting better at Unspeakable Curses, and it’s good, actually. The guardian of the Hufflepuff dorm gets his own children’s show. Snape can fly, stop bullets, and see the green ones and zeroes that makeup our reality.

    The Goblin Blockchain — Book 7, Ch. 25-27

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 7, 2018 40:45


    The gang gets Griphooked. Aunt Muriel’s tiara makes an appearance on Antiques Roadshow. Ron goes too hard with his Transylvanian disguise and keeps saying “Bleh!” which ruins the plan. Hermoine gets lost and turns into a gross cave creature. Gold is a hot commodity.

    101.3 KWIZ FM — Book 7, Ch. 22-24

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 31, 2018 51:05


    We turn a philosophic eye toward banditry. Neville wins two tickets to see Death Grips in a radio contest. The Malfoys learn there’s no Command-Z for cronyism. Dobby, blood price... you get the idea. Ron grinds for some legendary-tier gear.

    Crumpy & Friends — Book 7, Ch. 20-21

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 17, 2018 32:07


    Neville is noided. Xenophilius Lovegood shows us his collection of exotic explosives. We learn about the legend of the Hallows, and consider all the many ways it could become a merchandising opportunity. Ron: friend.

    Doe, a Deer — Book 7, Ch. 18-19

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 10, 2018 31:49


    Harry discovers Dumbledore’s alt-right Youtube channel. Bambi provides the gang with poisonous weaponry in a well-timed but ill-conceived Disney tie-in. In the Ronniest chapter imaginable, Ron sheepishly returns from a dumb fight, kills something, and still manages to get owned.

    Big Splinch — Book 7, Ch. 14-17

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 5, 2018 32:25


    Ron gets splinched into three Rons. Kreacher becomes a SoulCycle instructor after Grimmauld Place gets gentrified. We break out the corkboard and yarn once again in search of the golden-haired thief. And our friend the titty snake gets a makeover.

    Mid-Book Mailbag — Bonus Episode

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 26, 2018 37:17


    It’s time for another reader mailbag! Big thanks to everyone who wrote in with questions, topics, and howlers. We have an EXCELLENT Ted Tonks conspiracy theory — really! More Dune-scussion! And most important of all: more Filch.

    Thiccnesse — Book 7, Ch. 12-13

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 19, 2018 31:31


    Does magic obey the laws of thermodynamics? Can you “accio” dark matter? Was Einstein a Hufflepuff? Umbridge uses Moody’s eye to cheat at canasta. Draco becomes an anti-Muggle propagandist and appears on InfoWars. The plan goes great.

    RIP DJ Rashad — Book 7, Ch. 9-11

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 12, 2018 30:04


    Ron’s wallet is the one that says “Bad Mother Fucker” on it. Where did Sirius even get Muggle swimsuit magazines from? Kreacher spills all in a very special episode of 60 Minutes. Madam Pomfrey invents the IUD.

    I, Carly — Book 7, Ch. 6-8

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 5, 2018 35:27


    Hermoine hones her broadsword in preparation for her upcoming quest. Scrimgeour delivers Dumbledore’s will, and reveals that he had a second, secret school that he was also running the entire time? Awkward. Ron lights his hair on fire. And Xenophilius Lovegood invites us on a tour of his candy factory.

    Et tu, Mundungus? — Book 7, Ch. 4-5

    Play Episode Listen Later May 29, 2018 30:21


    A Starbucks barista writes “Expelliarmus” on Harry’s latte cup. All the good guys meet up at the least obvious meeting place in the wizarding world: The Burrow. Our boy Mundungus has his priorities straight. And is Voldemort strong enough to beat Goku? Find out next week...

    The Dursley Hallows — Book 7, Ch. 1-3

    Play Episode Listen Later May 22, 2018 29:23


    Voldemort rents out a room in the Malfoy estate via Airbnb and uses all their olive oil? But he really knows how to cook a teacher. Then we tearfully conclude our very last Dursley Watch! Will Aunt Petunia ever reveal her shadowy past? Did Vernon remember to pack his most lethal drill for protection? Is it possible that the prophecy was actually referring to Big D?

    We Love Her Because She’s Good — Book 6, Ch. 29-30

    Play Episode Listen Later May 8, 2018 39:52


    We take a moment to honor the REAL heroes: Luna & Neville. Snape tricks Hermoine — the smartest person in the universe — with a fake mustache. Then we reflect on how dope Book 6 is, and make some predictions for Book 7. Is Ron himself the Gryffindor Horcrux?!

    A Boring One — Book 6, Ch. 27-28

    Play Episode Listen Later May 1, 2018 31:54


    Buckbeak returns in this otherwise uneventful section.

    This Will Kill You, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 24-26

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 24, 2018 54:16


    Our friend Kate Dries joins us again to close the snog loop! We walk in on a weeping Draco and, in an effort to console him, slash him into stew meat. Our Grandpa drinks a yucky juice and begs us to kill him. But most important of all: is Ginny a virgin when she starts dating Harry? …??? …?!?!

    It’s Love, Actually — Book 6, Ch. 21-23

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 17, 2018 43:57


    Draco gentrifies the Room of Requirement. Tonks gives a cry for help via a cryptic Spotify playlist. Harry is up all night to get lucky. Why does Voldemort want to live that long? Is he breeding tortoises? And we have a few not-terrible and definitely-good thoughts on what the remaining Horcruxes might be...

    Romilda… — Book 6, Ch. 18-20

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 11, 2018 36:30


    Ron eats a pack of Choco-Cauldrons and wakes up in a corn field. Josh thinks Snape might be the Half-Blood Prince, or a Fifth-Blood Duke at the least. Life at Hogwarts means bumping up against McMotherfuckers, and this one’s ruining our Quidditch. Voldemort has red eyes, like in those memes.

    Snogfest, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 14-17

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 27, 2018 57:56


    We’re joined by our good friend: writer & editor extraordinaire and former Guy Friends Podcast co-host Kate Dries! Finally deep in the snogodrome, we consider our favorite teens’ fuckability on a teen by teen basis. Luna Lovegood is Etsy famous. And Slughorn accidentally gives Dumbledore an old taped episode of Frasier instead of a memory.

    Bling That Stings — Book 6, Ch. 11-13

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 20, 2018 33:14


    Lavender Brown wins Pantone's Color of the Year. Ron definitely deserves to be Keeper, because he’s so great at it. Katie Bell touches a necklace so expensive that even just grazing it ruins her credit score. Draco gets Harry so mad that steam whistles out of his ears. Dumbledore is a terrible babysitter.

    Slug Hornt — Book 6, Ch. 8-10

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 13, 2018 30:36


    Finally the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Snape pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards to tell it like it really is. The Half-Blood Prince was a big fan of glitter gel pens. And we take a leisurely jaunt to meet the Gaunts, relying heavily on Google Translate for the Parselmouth parts.

    Bat Bogey Flex — Book 6, Ch. 5-7

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 6, 2018 32:08


    Molly Weasley is so shook… she’s wobblin’. We reunite with Phlegm, and are nice to her :) Professor Binns is established as Fuck Neutral. The US Treasury asks Fred & George for a loan. Draco Malfoy does a Front Foot Impossible into a Japan Air, and lands a 5-0 Grind on Harry’s dick.

    Snape’s Vinyl Collection — Book 6, Ch. 1-4

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 27, 2018 34:06


    Aaron Sorkin guest directs our introduction to the other minister. Snape puts a hex on Narcissa after she sets her glass down on his teak coffee table without a coaster. We meet Slughorn and immediately get an invite to connect with him on LinkedIn. Uncle Vernon and Dumbledore kiss.

    Listener Mailbag — Bonus Episode

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 20, 2018 39:05


    We take a brief pause from our journey through the books to respond to all your letters, which have completely clogged up our chimney at this point. We talk wizard psychology! We go deeper on Queerius! We consider the characters as dogs! It’s about damn time.

    There Is No Wizard Spoon — Book 5, Ch. 36-38

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 13, 2018 40:21


    Book Five is finally done after almost three months — that’s roughly the gestation period for leopards. We’re leopard dads from this book alone! We get to see what it’s like when two REAL wizards get to dueling, and it turns out it's set to “Spybreak!” by the Propellerheads. We go insanely deep on the prophecy, then break into the Finnegan household.

    Fade to Black ;-) — Book 5, Ch. 33-35

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 8, 2018 39:24


    Uber, but for thestrals.  Neville combines gunplay, martial arts, and rapid trigonometry in Equilibrium (2002, dir. Kurt Wimmer). A man gets a baby’s head, and becomes a popular YouTuber. Sirius dies, but comes back as a snowman in Jack Frost (1998, dir. Troy Miller).

    Stop, Grawp, Shut ‘em Down Open Up Shop — Book 5, Ch. 30-32

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 30, 2018 33:42


    Professor McGonagall stars in the reboot of “Kill Bill,” and it’s good this time. Ron somehow eats his Number 2 pencil in the middle of taking the OWLs. Harry has a fucked up dream in which Natalie Portman dies while giving birth to twins? Hagrid has an idea so smart that it almost gets two of his students murdered, twice.

    Astroneighmy — Book 5, Ch. 27-29

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 23, 2018 32:34


    Firenze fucks an astrolabe in class. Dumbledore disappears without responding to Professor Flitwick’s Venmo request. Harry visits Snape’s worst memory and sees his dad drink a gallon of milk as fast as he can as some kind of challenge? Fred and George leave some Fred and George-shaped holes in our hearts

    2 Rude 2 Occlude — Book 5, Ch. 24-26

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 17, 2018 37:56


    Snape is Morpheus, but reverse, in every way. While on a date in Hogsmeade, Harry claims to have forgotten his wallet, then goes on a rant about why tipping is for Muggles. Hermoine invents clickbait. An argument with Umbridge makes the faculty a little horse ;o)

    St. Mungo’s Basilica — Book 5, Ch. 20-23

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 9, 2018 34:16


    We open with a simple prayer to St. Mungo. Hagrid starts up a stoner-doom band named Olympe’s Wrath. Good kiss wet; Harry likey. The titty snake is back, and has its own appetite for bodily fluids >:)~ We jack into the PortraitNet, discover it’s basically LinkedIn, and now we can’t unsubscribe from the emails.

    Weasley Is Our King — Book 5, Ch. 17-19

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 2, 2018 29:44


    Umbridge jacks into the Floo Network mainframe and wipes all of Sirius’ ports. GAME OVER. We get our first look at the Room of Requirement and ask, “How can this technology best be used for going number twosies?” Ron gets owned so hard it breaks the fabric of space and time.

    More Like RADfoot — Book 5, Ch. 14-16

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 26, 2017 29:22


    Despite everyone’s warnings, Sirius starts a dog Instagram account featuring himself. Percy hopes to civilize Harry in an explainy letter, accidentally inventing Twitter threads in the process. McGonagall kills Umbridge with a naginata. At the Hog’s Head, Mummy Billy Joel has us feelin’ alright.

    Quibblin’, with Madeleine Davies — Book 5, Ch. 9-13

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 19, 2017 57:11


    Our friend, venerable Potter scholar, and senior Jezebel writer Madeleine Davies joins us again for another stacked ep! Is Ron the loose cannon cop with nothing left to lose that Hogwarts needs? Is Luna Lovegood’s dad actually Elvis in hiding?? Is Professor Umbridge an amalgam of all the scariest Twilight Zone episodes??? Tune in!

    So I Kreach (Yeah) — Book 5, Ch. 5-8

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 12, 2017 33:15


    We get an in-depth look at the Black family blood map, known in some cultures as a “family tree.” Harry waits in line for 5 hours at the wizard DMV. And critics are raving about Albus Dumbledore’s reimagining of Henry Drummond in “Inherit the Wind.”

    Agent F1-GG — Book 5, Ch. 1-4

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 5, 2017 27:37


    New book, new look. Harry starts smoking Pall Malls and listening to The Doors. Mr. Tibbins can snap a man’s neck with his tail. We examine Aunt Petunia with new eyes, and consider just how deep this rabbit hole goes... A house is racist.

    Kin and Juice — Book 4, Ch. 35-38

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 28, 2017 35:07


    We finally uncover the mystery, if you can call it that. Sirius can’t help himself and starts licking children’s open wounds in the hospital wing. And we consider Rita Skeeter’s steady diet of aphids. Would Professor Sprout have thanked her for her services?

    Chill Sitch :) — Book 4, Ch. 32-34

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 21, 2017 50:14


    Some cool stuff happens in a nice graveyard, and no one gets hurt. The New Wizards have PhDs in magic linguistics now, I guess. And we consider whether Voldemort would have turned out this evil if people were more accepting of his cosplay. He learned to sew for this!

    Malfoy News Network — Book 4, Ch. 29-31

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 14, 2017 42:38


    We binge on three episodes of Law & Order: Muggle Victims Unit, featuring a cameo by David Schwimmer. Fred and George are good boys who would never do a crime. And when Dumbledore invited the Sphinx to “speak at a conference,” do you think he mentioned the maze like at all?

    #crouchgate — Book 4, Ch. 25-28

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 7, 2017 30:10


    The second task is complete, but no one seems bothered that Dumbledore and the merfolk chieftain are clearly sleeping together. Josh goes deep on some Crouch theorems, and debunks some of the lies in the mainstream media. A child is mailed death threats with biohazardous contaminants in a school cafeteria.

    James Goblofini — Book 4, Ch. 21-24

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 31, 2017 29:22


    Is Ludo Bagman wearing a wire during his meeting with the Goblin Mafia? We take a terrible look at the mind-rending anxieties around school dances. Has Ron hit rock bottom? Will Hermoine kill and eat a house elf now that she’s cool?

    Accio Bros — Book 4, Ch. 17-20

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 24, 2017 28:23


    We consider how a Ron-less Harry deals with being the most love-hated child on Earth… again. Is Rita Skeeter’s handbag real, or a knockoff? And we discuss how we would have completed the first task. Is bonking still on the menu?

    Single-Malt Pony — Book 4, Ch. 10-16

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 15, 2017 30:46


    We're making a demand here, folks: Hagrid must fuck. We discuss Mad-Eye's methods, and that awesome class scene, including Neville’s freak-out. And can institutional slavery stand up to Hermoine's bake sale?

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