25 to Life

Adam and Taylor share an important announcement from the administration, Midwestern parents storm into Mexico ready to wholeheartedly accept anyone their daughter is dating, Brandon might fetch a ball if Michelle's parents threw it hard enough, Nayte tap dances his way around deep conversations but he might just be tall, Busy comforts Taylor during a particularly brutal breakup, and the climax of the season was recorded with the microphones inside a washing machine.

Adam and Taylor take a trip to Mexico to walk on the beach and recap exactly how we got here, Heyyyyy gurrrrl—Brandon's genuinely celebrating the 53rd consecutive best day of his life, Joe quietly lands the plane under the illusion of complexity, Nayte calculates the scientifically perfect amount of withholding to be before deploying his affection progression in a well-timed social trap, and Michelle drops her first "I love you" of the season.

Adam and Taylor run through a litany of forgotten villains from this season, Jamie transcends into a new dimension to explain to everyone how much their mind is being blown, Casey comes out of nowhere to kind of win the season, the couch interviews have no obvious purpose, Nayte is actually dairy good at butter sculptures, and Michelle's compliment sandwich is richly layered in the middle.

Adam and Taylor travel to Minneapolis to have hometowns on the go, at this rate Brandon could skateboard in the next Olympics, Rodney's best friend gets pretty emotional about sort of nothing, Joe's family hasn't figured out how to have a conversation yet, Nayte's family makes it pretty hard to take their advice and Brandon's transparency causes some power ranking disputes.*Taylor is completely wrong about her description of former president Garfield. Don't listen to her. 

Adam and Taylor recap several pieces of Bachelor Nation news, four of Michelle's students are extra ready for national television but not prepared enough to speak Bachelorese, Clayton performs unremarkably on Taylor's dream date, the first rule of creative writing is to find new ways to talk about creative writing, Martin is udderly unprepared for the manual labor of a farm date, Brandon's smooth-talking date style fits somewhere between "sugary" and "syrupy," Michelle's dad is never touching his swim trunks again and Nayte's dad probably doesn't want to talk about this episode.

Adam and Taylor get caught in the age-old Minneapolis/Milwaukee geographical trap, Joe runs the mmhmm humble mumble conversation game and gets away with it because he's beautiful, the producers turn down an obvious opportunity for violence in what appears to be a sign of personal growth, Adam doesn't subscribe to the current wave of "let's go" culture, Chris throws a temper tantrum (which is a bad look for a little guy), Nayte purifies himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka and Martin makes "females" sound like a dirty word.

Adam and Taylor play a game to list all of the things going on with one contestant's face, Brandon steps in to remind us that (Girl) Martin is like your science fair homework—a project (Baby), Michelle gets ignored on another ultraviolent group date that no one asked for,  Taylor takes issue with Rick's leg day enthusiasm, Chris S has a really active imagination about the intensity of his social heroics, and Adam says goodbye to his first true love of the season at the end of the road.

Adam and Taylor remember that they've been Braves fans all along, the guys all voluntarily take a a bunch of turns on a machine designed to produce vomiting, Martin shows off a mid-kiss glasses removal that completely changes the competitive landscape, no one wants poor Rodney to go streaking and Jamie does his best Elizabeth Holmes impression before running into the most satisfying comeuppance in years.  Actual information about Jamie's job: https://www.realbachelorjobs.com/jamie

Adam and Taylor write Taylor's epigraph together, Romeo knows everything about new math even though old math is back in, Taylor explains the least straightforward method to calculate percentage change, Adam impersonates Brandon's oversmooth light-skinned voice with 100% accuracy, the producers make Jamie escalate the intensity of his first date, Minnesota's Mr. and Mrs. basketball start a relationship that feels a little too perfect, and Jamie eviscerates the truth for no reason.

Adam and Taylor have a lot of updates that move everyone closer to the inevitable tragic cult ending, all of Chris G's talking is excessively poetic and quite unmotivating, Elizabeth Holmes is going to jail for voice fraud, Joe comes up with the world's least believable excuse for ghosting Michelle, Nayte pushes all kinds of alternative style buttons, Ryan brings an unorthodox test-prep approach to the show and Adam draws clear lines about the type of content that belongs on each half of the show.Look at these idiots while we talk about them: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-JzqHm_DcH3246kO0l3tkcZeEvXcxlM2/view?usp=sharingIntro video package analysis from @bachelordata: https://www.instagram.com/p/CVOfqGRPwC9/

Adam and Taylor have to make a tough choice right up front about whether Katie will keep going with the season or not (spoiler alert, there's a lot of episode left), Blake doesn't "talk" as much as he links together groups of unrelated feelings with conjunctions, Katie's aunt is openly unimpressed with Katie's life choices, Justin doesn't deserve a public execution like this and Greg's lies make as much sense as his bangs.Details about Katie's ring: https://www.eonline.com/news/1297866/all-the-details-on-bachelorette-katie-thurstons-engagement-ring-from-blake-moynes

Adam and Taylor have been awake for 20+ hours straight, Blake poors syrup oot of a maple leaf ontoo a hoockey puck, eh?, the producers script the hometown conversations and I think there's time for me to get to love it, Justin's friends fill in for his (rightfully) skeptical parents and is Greg so powerful that he can throw a fit so convoluted that even he can't understand it.

Adam and Taylor go solo this week, Michael is beaten by the only thing that could have beaten him (and the thing that was always going to beat him) (not that there's anything wrong with that), Tayshia and Kaitlyn get paid the same no matter how many people listen to this episode, Taylor finished reading the whole internet today, Connor reminds us that every aspect of this show is fake and it seems like two men are tied for first as the most likely next Bachelor.LFO and boy band tragedy: https://www.thecut.com/2021/07/brad-fischetti-on-the-memories-and-legacy-of-lfo.htmlBen and Ana dated for 18 months and no one ever called them "Banana" (that we know of): https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/lifesize-ana-de-armas-cardboard-23344132

Adam and Taylor have to talk about Greg first because he's be personally offended if anyone else came up first, Brendan teaches us all an important lesson about playing by the rules and knowing your place, the most artistic version of Blake paints a stick beast with two backs, Taylor earns an honorary minor in psychology, Mike dresses in the purest white cult robe to finally commit the sacrifice we've all been waiting for and Katie forces Andrew to confront his iffy greeting card promise.Learn more about the Bachelor run/jump hug: https://bachelornation.com/2020/07/22/rachel-lindsay-becca-kufrin-run-and-jump-hug/

Adam and Taylor explain the rules of a hands-off contest that everyone involuntarily ends up in, Busy checks the facts on Justin's background (what a good girl!), Katie's complicated dad drama has another gear you didn't even know about, even two professional queens can't drag an awful debate date into watchable territory, Greg can't read (Katie) because of his insecurity, Connor dies in the friend zone to remind everyone how brutal this show can be and Thanos snaps.Don't read this piece of research about men washing their hands: https://www.thecut.com/2020/03/69-of-men-dont-wash-their-hands-after-using-the-bathroom.html

Adam and Taylor debate the best way to let the guys know they all started losing to Blake, Aaron starts building case evidence against most of the house, the universe is officially back to its exact prepandemic condition, copyright law prevents a new sport from being accurately named, Hunter wins a rose but misdiagnoses his success, Andrew S. has the least exciting/most successful date of the year and there's a lot of bold predictions to make after seeing the teaser for the second half of the season.Bachelor Data analysis of mid-season additions: https://www.instagram.com/p/CQrfr13M-28/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_linkGlamour interview with Katie: https://www.glamour.com/story/the-bachelorette-katie-thurston-i-was-involved-in-a-situation-where-there-wasnt-consent

Adam and Taylor have noticed quite a few deductions in your listening style, Thomas starts off bad and it gets worse, the group date turns into a buddy comedy about conquering your biggest fears, Tre and Andrew S. have different approaches to gossip but only one of them involves Taco Bell, Taylor read a book where she saw Blake naked in words, Katie conducts a public execution to make an example and three cheers for the tribunal approach to social trials.

Adam and Taylor recap Rachel Lindsay's revealing interview with Vulture about how all of this is fake and unreal ... but then spend the rest of the time talking about how Karl is actually awful IRL, Kaitlyn gives some badvice to Katie, this is secretly our 200th episode (OMG are we all in a cult right now?), shame on Adam for not recognizing serious literature when it hits him in the face and Michael is either too regular to win or too regular to lose. From Vulture - Rachel Lindsay Has No Roses Left to Burn: https://www.vulture.com/article/rachel-lindsay-the-bachelor-franchise.html

Adam and Taylor explore the various types of conflict involved in this week's dates, there's nothing wrong with Mike crying during sex, Taylor has a theory about the body wash our contestants are using, Greg is a regular guy who has the perfect thing to say if you can wait four hours, this episode is the perfect reminder that we don't need any more violent sports dates and Karl ruins everything.

Adam and Taylor catch the community up on important happenings since last season, it was a long night but Andrew S. ultimately won Miss Congeniality, Brad Pitt finds Jay Gatsby in the box, Tayshia and Kaitlyn give a compliment and a criticism in only 5 words, the first ever "Greg's Family" thought experiment is way more detailed than you expected, Mike has chosen to never forego his individual room for the night — if you will — and 75% of these contestants will sell you real estate in San Diego if you're looking. Look at these goobers while we judge them: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jSfRG0pfYY3AEodalOTjKsmjQEfsU9Wj/view?usp=sharing Understand the rules of icing: https://thehockeywriters.com/icing-hockey-the-rules/

Adam and Taylor talk about the elephant in the room and try to get there ... wherever that is, Matt's mom is serving the animated feature film Rio, Adam starts talking about his minors again, everyone is afraid of snakes, there's confusion about how many people are involved in a "Lincoln Douglas" debate and we meet our new Bachelorette(s). Meet Matt's brother, John The Scorpio (not Scorpion, my bad): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HMozkIvEc4&ab_channel=JohntheScorpio

Adam and Taylor sit down with Matt and his dad and neither of them want to be there, Michelle cooks herself into an oatmeal raisin cookie, we're reminded that this is a show about people getting engaged it doesn't matter what happens after that, subtle messaging is best and Rachael reminds us that age and maturity aren't the same thing.

Adam and Taylor reminisce about when this show was fun, Amy Adams makes an appearance (but Taylor didn't like it), we missed three dates that were actually amazing to talk about more useless drama, Adam goes empathetic for a minute, previously unaired chicken wing content emerges and bold predictions went into Adam's brain and disintegrated.

Adam and Taylor get back (really?, another back pun?) to normal with hometown dates, fraternal twins are just brothers, Matt is probably wearing a thong, there needs to be a minimum age for skydiving instructors, she's just noot that into you and no matter what, we'll mend your broken heart together.

Adam and Taylor count off the list of women that didn't make it to hometowns—spoiler alert: it's a half dozen, Heather's close to losing her rental minivan deposit, Matt may want a confident woman but his chemicals can't help what he's into, Taylor almost forgot that Adam almost died, the private concerts get a little bit more melanin, and when you're not around, I'm always thinking about you.

Adam and Taylor discuss the merits of the MCU, Adam tells a story about growing up and hunching over, the subjective version of truth is not the same as living in a multiverse, nature is serving nighttime, the Rachel sound effect makes some dramatic appearances, Taylor's favorite white trash dream himbo Tyler Cameron is back and did you hear that we're getting close to hometowns?

Adam and Taylor discuss the end (?) of the toxic house environment, Victoria doesn't know what "context" means but isn't afraid to discuss it, Taylor discusses her taste for himbos, everyone is getting along but no one means it and sometimes the best way to play is to sit this one out. The Journalist and the Pharma Bro: https://www.elle.com/life-love/a35021224/martin-shkreli-christie-smythe-pharma-bro-journalist/ What did Armie Hammer do? https://www.glamour.com/story/why-is-armie-hammer-trending-on-twitter

Adam and Taylor see what happens when five strangers move in with the OGs and everyone stops being quarantined and starts being real ... mean to each other, Anna can't keep her literal or figurative mouth closed, Victoria goes back to the dark side, Michelle and Matt are too tall for all this tiny drama and it pays to stay out of the fray. Sex and the City - "Something Bad Happened?!": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJ6nS6E2f6o&ab_channel=CarlaJohnson Kim's dress. It actually IS a two piece: https://withjean.com/products/naomi-set-geo

Adam and Taylor decide what we're going to do about this haircut, Sarah goes two full rounds against 19 women with a brief (but wonderful) Serena P halftime breather, Adam gives some advice for your next erotic fan fiction, Victoria switches sides and Matt starts making progressively worse mistakes. Editors note: Ashley Benson is currently dating G-Easy. Benson was with Cara Delevingne from June 2019 - April 2020.

Adam and Taylor take off their shirts so they can plug in this microphone and start podcasting, Bri's mom is old enough to be her sister, the producers are gesturing too hard with Victoria, the dry cleaning bill on those wedding dresses is going to be insane, Sarah disrespects the birthplace of aviation and there sure is a lot of Jesus and his pops.

Adam and Taylor are back with a new MATTchelor and run down all of the good, bad, sophistifunk, and producer plants on this season. Chris Harrison is afraid to say Black so he lets everyone else say it. Only certain people have a colloquial implant, we witness the return of the Instagram face, and we talk about infrastructure ie: how to get to that mouth. Here's the link to our spreadsheet: https://drive.google.com/file/d/10K6REhjutWEA0KV6gmwygSER9C-orBsK/view?usp=sharing And here's that thread about Kristin: https://twitter.com/kristinbhopkins/status/1345422628983627779?s=20 What we mean when we talk about the Instagram face: https://www.newyorker.com/culture/decade-in-review/the-age-of-instagram-face

Adam and Taylor discuss whether or not the game was rigged from the beginning. Adam doesn't know what he's watching and confesses he was a stan for the Mole. Ivan went home on a technicality, Ben pretty much came back to get his laundry, and Tayshia starts planning for the future as Mrs. Clark.

Adam and Taylor head to Palm Spring's nicest trailer for Fantasy Suite week, the producers told Ivan to say some version of that important phrase, Tayshia is buying whatever Zac might be hiding (or selling), Adam is a highfalutin girl who loves an ice bath, Brendan breaks our hearts, Taylor teaches Adam about body-con dressing, and your selfish ex is back for the clarity that you never wanted. Follow Bachelor Data Analyst for data we love! https://www.instagram.com/bachelordata/?hl=en

Adam and Taylor are joined by Carp in this special hometown friend zone, Brendan is from the East Coast in general but definitely New England, we met a white child named Aliyah, some metabolisms just get the job done, Ivan's brother made people cry and Ben's family friend made people a four-star dinner. We're kind of famous! Read this article on Teen Vogue about The Bachelorette, how they've handled some of the more sensitive topics on this season, and what we (Taylor) had to say about it: https://www.teenvogue.com/story/the-bachelorette-black-lives-matter-mental-health

Adam and Taylor thought bold font JoJo was going to do something, the woo woo is a noun and an adjective, there's something about Blake that we don't like but we can't quite put our finger on eh, Tayshia's body is really going through something this week, start your engines for Two Minutes Hate and remember Clare?

Adam and Taylor cross a few frontiers to have a discussion about friendship, Tayshia falls for the great group fallacy, Taylor finds the bright side of COVID-19, the producers bring us right up to the edge of where torture porn meets sainthood and Adam makes a bold claim about his NXIVM knowledge.

Adam and Taylor discuss the NFL's biggest open secret, the guys are primed to open up because they aren't jet lagged, Zac wins this season's Tell Me About Yourself contest and we find out that art people and horse girls are play cousins. Jordan Rodgers, brother of Kenny Rodgers (jk), proposes again to JoJo Fletcher: https://people.com/style/the-bachelorette-jordan-rodgers-proposes-jojo-fletcher-again/ More about Zac and his struggles with addiction: http://www2.readingeagle.com/article.aspx?id=524902 More on Eazy's sexual assault investigation: https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/12/10203176/eazy-bachelorette-sexual-assault-allegations-investigation

Adam and Taylor talk about voicemail etiquette, Bachelor Nation (with the help of Tayshia and Ivan) addresses the elephant in the room, just because we moved on to The Queens Gambit doesn't mean we've stopped talking about NXIVM and Noah is bringing 25 year old problems to a grown man's game. Read Joe Park's interview with Entertainment Weekly: https://ew.com/tv/bachelorette-joe-park-anesthesiologist-interview/

Adam and Taylor debate the merits of "smoke show" as a compliment, all these guys need to talk to each other like men, the way to a woman's heart is mustache removal, everyone gets greased up for the slipperiest wrestling match on reality TV and every date should start with a spelling contest.

Adam and Taylor get really excited about Tayshia's chess(t) game, the rest of the guys realize they've bonded over a traumatic experience, there's a sports date where half the guys win, simple is hot and hopefully we've all seen the last of Clare and Dale. More about Chris Nikic - https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/09/health/first-person-with-down-syndrome-completes-ironman-scn-trnd/index.html

Adam and Taylor believe that Clare believes in illusions, whether they're created by Dale or not, there's a first date that absolutely has to end in a proposal, Clare's engagements are easier the second time around, the guys get a second chance at love inside the bubble, the musical guests leave a lot to be desired and the whole game is over ... or is it?! Watch The Boy Band Con on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcCRs0Ic3FI&list=LLvqSBlX4VYNgVimV1rvTeIw&index=976

Adam and Taylor watch 20 guys watch Clare watch Dale, Zach J stands still into a trap, Clare is allergic to roast, the vibe cannot be repaired and please sample the rest of the buffet. More on Yosef: https://twitter.com/RealitySteve/status/1319292485613412353

Adam and Taylor relive the morning after, the boys leave their rooms to try to take home a glowing piece of that radical rock, Canada Brandon can't dodge a ball but does dodge the rules, Clare got her psychology minor by giving highlights to unsuspecting women across Sacramento and the newest sex cult finds new members who are Definitely Onto Something and willing to provide collateral.

Adam, Taylor and Busy lock down a bizarre new season that's a little bit ugly and a little bit rock 'n' roll. Clare and her fellas get tested for COVID on the resort, the dogs (real and hypothetical) are out, our researchers are still working even while we're remote, and the game is pretty much over once Dale gets out of the limo. Need the worksheet? Download it here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1A6vlCFIYxSVWx7gPoz3isGOm5vqqUBux/view?usp=sharing

Adam and Taylor put together the timeline of two falsely consecutive live shows, the producers ruin a human person's life for our entertainment, Chris Harrison makes it worse, some people trade joy for power and we all witness the birth of a modern monster.