Red Penning Romance

Join Mary, Matt and Jeremy as they limp through “Men Going Their Own Way: The Anti-Feminism Survival Guide” by Sgt.* Chuck Rivers. It’s a doozy this week, kids! Most of the Self Help books we cover are misguided and scammy 45-page click bait articles, but this is a full blown, 250 page misogynistic MANIFESTO. One where the author is truly experiencing a level of hatred that is rare to find in a book published under a real name. Makes sense we found it on Reddit. *Yeah SURE you are, pal.

Join Mary, Andrew and Kimi as they weather “The Sea Queen” by Jovee Winters. This week’s tale is an epic tale of love and loss, where the drama of the lives of the ancient Gods are put on full display for mere mortals to witness. Witness now, an impossible love between Calypso and Hades, two beings,infallible in their presence but irrational in their love - AH WHO AM I KIDDING? It’s a shitty book about Greek gods and they say things like “HAWT” and wear pirate costumes and there’s virgin murder trails and whatever.

Join Mary and Jeremy as they wrangle “Stranded with the Seal” by Amy Gamet. When a NAVY SEAL hits a celebrity of questionable recognition with his car, they get stranded in a snowy mountain cabin and try to unravel a mystery filled with amnesia, seedy human traffickers and high explosives. It sounds interesting, but it also has REALLY poorly implemented sex, crazy weird underage rape and a Military unit called “HERO FORCE”. Which is one notch below “Paw Patrol.”

Join Mary and Jayme this week as they take on “Virgin Bride: A Single Dad Romance” by B.B. Hamel. Gonna give it to you guys straight, this book’s got it all. Virgin Babysitters, hunky, single Billionaire Dad’s with big dicks, anal beads and one-year-olds…wait no, uh…that came out wro-

This week Jeremy, Mary and Dan read "Bad Decisions" by Alexx Andria. "Bad Decisions" is a "dark romance" story which - wait- Alexx Andria? Alexx-Andria? ALEXANDIRA? You've got to be fuc-

Mary, Matt and Jeremy are taking on "What Women Want in a Man: How to Become the Alpha Male Women Respect, Desire, and Want to Submit To" by Bruce Bryans. As you can probably guess by the EXTREMELY catchy title, this is a secret incel handbook masquerading as a self help book and we do our part as American Heroes to expose this book for what it is.

We're back! Kicking off Season 2 we have Mary and Dan taking on "Loving My Indian Captor" by Emma Morgan. When you have a romance novel about a nurse in the late 1800's being taken hostage by Native Americans, there's only two ways you can go: Pretty racist or VERY racist. This book only goes "Pretty Racist" but I'm told that still isn't great.

Join Mary, Jeremy and Matt this week as we do something a little different. We’re taking a break from the wolf shifters, kidnappers and cartoon penises to read some awful and damaging “Self Help” books! This week we’re reading “Make Him Beg To Be Your Boyfriend In 6 Simple Steps” by Michael Fiore. In this “self help” book, Michael Fiore lays out step-by-step how to emotionally abuse that special guy into loving you out of desperation!

Join Mary and Jeremy this week as they read “Justice Calling” by Annie Bellet. What do you get when you throw Dungeons and Dragons, The Big Bang Theory and a PG-13 Rom-Com into a blender? A supremely stupid and sexless romance novel that reads like an 8th grade fan-fic of nothing in particular.

Join Mary, Scott and Andrew this week as they read “Stolen” by Ella Goode. A young, hot socialite watches as her two brothers (who definitely aren’t walking advertisements for her other books) fall in love and decides to try everything in her power to avoid the same. Then she’s kidnapped on a helicopter and given that Magic Penis© that makes it all better.

Join Mary, Jeremy and Erik this week as they tackle “Lesbian Football” by Arabella Anderson. The first female football player ever misses a kick (Not even like, for the playoffs or anything just a regular kick) and suddenly finds herself on the chopping block. Luckily, she has the love of the star cheerleader to rely on. Actually, it’s he publicist she’s in love with. Or something. Honestly, this one is real short, but REAL confusing.

Join Mary, Andrew and Erik as they read “Taxes and Tardis” by N.R. Walker. A hunky jock named Brent falls head over heels for the slightly-too-effeminate-for-the-author Logan, an accountant with a thing for Dr. Who. A big thing. No, that’s not a euphemism, Dr. Who is the central theme of the book. And a man getting his taxes done is the framing device. While it’s not confirmed, N.R. Walker may have been going for the world record in “Who gives a shit”.

Join Mary and Jayme as they hit the court with “Royal Player” by Katie McCoy. A sultry American girl with BIG TITS gets a job working at Wimbledon where she meets an impossibly handsome tennis player who is enamored by her BIG TITS and they fall in love and he grabs her BIG TITS and licks her BIG TITS and can’t stop thinking about her BIG TITS and- Where was I again?

Join Mary, Jeremy and Jayme this week as they “read” “The Hitman’s Angel” by Jessa Kane. It’s another truly repugnant one as what would have been a steamy novella about a sexy Russian Hitman is ruined by an absolutely disgusting amount of “Daddy” role play! This is one of them there “Serious Warnings”. This one’s a little foul.

This week, join Mary, Jayme and Jeremy as they take a slice out of “Wedding Cake Crasher” by Alexa Riley. Sugar is a curvaceous babe who sneaks into weddings specifically to steal her favorite thing: cake! Luckily for her, this most recent wedding is being attended by Hank, a good looking engineer who is secretly A VIOLENT NEANDERTHAL WHO CAN SHATTER DOORS WITH HIS BARE FISTS AND CHOKESLAMS A MAN THROUGH A TABLE. Also, a man’s dick piercing get’s caught on a woman's IUD.

Join Mary, Jeremy and Kate as they tap in to “Charming: A Cinderella Billionaire Story” by Sophie Brooks. A bad boy billionaire named Ford (or rather F.O.R.D.) decides to woo a sultry phone sex operator the only way he knows how: By secretly tracking down all of her personal information and concocting a convoluted plan to deceive her into loving him.

Join Mary, Scott and Andrew ass they hit the ice with “In Skates Trouble” by Kate Meader. A Plus Size, Bubble Butt-ed(Is that an adjective?) Instagram model falls head over heels with an impossibly sexy Hockey star after she catches him masturbating while eavesdropping on her from a hotel balcony. Wait….

Join Mary, Erik and Jeremy as they wolf down “One Girl Five Hungry Beasts” by Hollie Hutchins.  What happens when a small town, dirt farming medieval girl is whisked away to a futuristic werewolf city to be bred with 5 hunky man-dogs? Rather than screaming in terror and immediately having a full blown-existential crisis, she actually kinda fits right in. Then all 5 wolves kinda fit in her. Sorry.

We did it folks, Episode 25! To celebrate this momentous occasion, Mary and Jeremy crack open “Sacred Places: An Immortal Highlander Novella” by Mandy M. Roth. There’s immortal druids, dream rape and the a the first appearance of a prostate massage. If that doesn’t sound exciting, you’re well adjusted!

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Join Mary and Jeremy this week as the grind through “Wedded to the Highlanders” by Katie Douglas. In a frankly adorable book, a wee Scottish Lass find love and adventure in the hills of the old country. She also gets threatened to be molested for a year by a water god, gets anally penetrated with a root vegetable and has a bake sale!

This week, join Mary, Dylan and Erik as they discuss “Bound to Submit” Laura Kaye. A Marine loses her arm to an IED and struggles to regain a sense of normalcy as she returns to her life at home. This is a trashy romance novel however, so that “normalcy” includes bondage, hardcore BDSM and an inverted “69”.

Join Mary and Jeremy this week as they read "The Spirit Path: The Spirit Path Book 1" by Tammy Tate. A woman who is very vocally in the the mid-1990s falls off her horse and travels back in time to meet her Native American soul mate you , and, as you can probably guess, this book treats Native American culture with nothing but class.

Join Mary and Jayme this week as they read "Save the Date" by Annabeth Albert & Wendy Qualis. In a book that is simultaneously adorable and disgusting, a nerdy virgin and a buff "Sgt. Sexy" find themselves in a series of wacky wedding party hi-jinx. It's the best romantic comedy never written, only with WAY more rough anal sex.

This is it folks! It’s the worst book (so far)! This week, Mary, Jeremy and Dan fight through “Releasing Rage (Cyborg Sizzle Book 1)” by Cynthia Sax. A future Cyborg Engineer is paired with an ultra-ripped Cyborg killing machine for some fun sexy adventures. Sounds cool, right? Well this particular fun sexy romp is filled with REALISTIC, GROTESQUE DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE. That’s a real warning folks.

Join Mary, Dan and Scott as they skid through “Tornado: A Paranormal Romance” by Jasmine Wylder. In a story that isn’t any at all related to another particular romance novel at all, the Wolf-shifter leader of the Savage Brotherhood Motorcycle Club has to defend his new panther shifter mate from the clutches of vampires. Vampires who spew poison.

Join Mary, Jayme and Dan this week as they plow through “CADE: New Orleans Billionaire Wolf Shifters” by V.A. Dold. Werewolves (Sorry, “Wolf Shifters”), kidnapping and indecipherable Cajun accents combine into furry romance caper that is neither action packed or sexy, but does have a “ghost handjob”. Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Jayme this week as they explore “Kadin” by Mel Teshco. A Paranormal Detective with the very convenient ability to sense paranormal beings meets her match (GET IT?) in the form of a shape shifting ALIEN-DRAGON-MAN. Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Jeremy as they cringe through “The Vampire's Warlock Omega” by Coyote Starr and Summer Chase. This is the kind of “book” that makes us ask: “Who is this for?” One part fantasy novel, one part body horror and an all together horrifying “male pregnancy” novel that manages to spit in the face of science and the LGBTQ community in one shot! Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Jayme as they get revved up over “Stone Cold” by Olivia Rigal. If you thought a violent, abusive and murderous gang of bikers couldn’t get any sexier, wait until you add some incest! Wait… Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary, Scott and Jeremy as they plow through “His Dark Desire” by Lila Moore. The worst Doctor in the history of time helps a suspected serial killer clear his name by having some VERY gross sex. This is a rough one, and that’s just a warning about the syntax errors. Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary, Scott and Jayme as they hit the ice with “Long Hard Puck” by Adele Hart. What happens when an Olympic Figure Skater crosses paths with the NHL’s top hockey Bad Boy? If you guessed that everyone would practice diligently and focus on the games and there wasn’t any weird pseudo-sexual assault you’d be dead wrong. Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary, Jayme and Jeremy as they tackle not one, no two, but THREE Madison Faye novels at once! Each host was tasked with reading “Beasting Beauty”, “Sharing Beauty” and “Stealing Beauty”, three absolutely filthy princess novels that take place simultaneously and try to piece the insanity together. Will they make it through with their sanity intact? Is this end of Red Penning Romance? Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Jeremy as they discuss “The BBW and the Beast” by Sylvia Frost. What happens when a legally blind, vaguely obese, “were” - beast novelists confronts a hulked out, wolf “shifter” with neon eyes? They…setup Wi-Fi (and have some weird sex). Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Jeremy as they dissect “The Navy Seal’s Email Order Bride” by Cora Seton. A true American hero must save his ancestral ranch by finding a wife and starting a family in a year! It’s a thrilling adventure filled with wacky internet hi-jinx, massive breaches of personal privacy and….Skype? Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Scott as they tackle “Vampires Don’t Give Hickeys” by Holly Ryan. A snarky female vampire hunter (who totally isn’t anything at all like ANOTHER snarky female vampire hunter) winds up in the lair of three vampire hunks on her mission to defeat a local demon. Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Jayme as they discuss “Cain: An MMA Fighter Romance” by Lane Hart. A bare-knuckle, potty-mouth, MMA cage-fighter meets the only enemy he hasn’t defeated: The Friend Zone.

Join Mary and Jeremy as they discuss “No Ordinary Billionaire” by J.S. Scott. A secret billionaire detective falls in love with “genius-doctor-concert pianist-mensa member-prodigy” and saves her from sudden doom. Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Scott as they discuss “Snow Daze” by Katie Mettner. An Engineer-doctor in a wheelchair falls in love instantly with cartoon character hero teacher and then nothing happens. Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!

Join Mary and Jeremy as they discuss Reaping Angels by Laura Thalassa. A really hot cartoon superheroine heals a cliché supervillain through the power of love (sex).

Join Mary and Jeremy as they discuss “Prison Planet Barbarian” by Ruby Dixon. Scared, small human captive is “fake-assaulted” repeatedly in a cell full of super-bad aliens by her blue alien soulmate.

Join Mary and Scott as they read and discuss "Royally Pucked" by Pippa Grant. An NHL-playing prince gets a baker - who makes genital cookies - pregnant, and they go on a craaaaazy adventure.

Join Mary and Jeremy as they read and discuss "Sweet as Sin" by J.T. Geissinger. Synopsis: A very hot makeup artist gets trapped in an abusive relationship by an angry ken doll with too much money. Visit us on: Facebook Instagram Twitter redpenningromance.com Like and Subscribe - you know the deal!