CineJoust

*Spoilers* Woah Baby! Can we see your papers please, you shouldn't be out here, kid. IT'S THE QUARANTINE SPECIAL, DARLIN'! Wrap up the elderly and clean under your flaps. You all literally have nothing better to do for the next few weeks, so give us a listen. We tackle the big virus issue, various shit films that are actually good and share our tried and tested tips and tricks of surviving mass infection (see title). Combined, our girth is approx 5 inches in circumference. It really is enough to please if you just humour us and pretend. If I had a guinea pig, I'd eat it. Sending love and clean thoughts at this trying time.  Onomatopoeia. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers baby* So much on the plate here - I hope you had a light lunch, pretty lady! We take on every relevant thing in the film world over the past few weeks with true vigor. This episode is dedicated to Brad's Dad - Wherever he may be. Come round my house and tell me folk tales in the style of Brahms and I'll feed you chocolate gum drops. Remember, don't let your kids microwave your shed keys - it never ends well. Email me your favourite incarnation of Pope and why he was the best molester. cinejoustpod@gmail.com Succulence. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers, but not all of them, darlin'* Howdy, Pardner. Where'd ya leave your steed, youngin? We tackle some musings on life and what may be when we snuff it. Lets remember the childhood joy of playing the Xylophone and that wooden ridged block. Did you piss in the sand box? I  know Brad did. Put us on whilst you go in the shower, see if that does anything for ya. Sending Love and Sunny Delight. Hugs and kisses from Freda and the family xoxoxoxo. Intro music suppleid by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* Back once again with the ill behavior - we're taking on the big world issues today - favourite toasties and why. We talk about strange celebrity interactions and get all lubed up to get into some slippery discussion on the dark knight himself. sit back and relax and count the amount of times Brad says 'oh nelly'. Email us illegal streams to boxing matches: cinejoustpod@gmail.com LEVITY. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* - not the sort on the back of your alcoholic uncle's bike. Prepare your ears for a deep dive into the surreal. We're scranning, talking and violating Bradley. Expect Madeleine McCann - Auteur Filmmaker, Brad Aaron Hedley - Honorary Pensioner and Big Ronnie - Murderer? If you like hypothetical discussions about taking on a Mail-Order Bride at a ripe old age with three children left from your widowed marriage who are active detractors of the set-up and how this impacts your then-life, then this is the episode you've been waiting for. LETS GET GREASY. WE LOVES YA. FOR £1 BRAD WILL READ YOU A WORK OF FICTION UNTIL YOU FALL ASLEEP. Sacajawea.  Intro music supplied by the beautiful SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*spoilers to a degree* We cover the aforementioned, birds of prey, parasite and pour a barrage of shit onto Baz Luhrmann and his horrible choices. Teachers being used as toilets, Spielberg making complete toilet and all of us really needing the toilet. If you want to buy us an Easter present, were all LARGE in boxer-briefs. x Enjoy this, it hits the spot, but we would say that. Epilogue. Intro music supplied by the beautiful SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*ONE SPOILER AS MILD AS A CHILD'S KORMA* Hello, I hope this message finds you well. I have been trapped in a recording studio watching Judy Finnegan Present National Television Awards For The Past 22 Years. We talk about religion, Uncles and boobies. Listen closely and you'll hear Keith Chegwin moaning the theme tune to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!! tALK TO YOU L8R BAB XOXO Espionage. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*brief 1917 spoiler that arguably effects the film the most* The Battle of the two reviews for you. Three episodes, one week, three gentlemen, two sopping ear holes to receive it in. LUCKY. DUCKS. A quick rundown of 1917, with an impromptu dabble in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. We tell Roger Deaky off for being a naughty cinematographer and bask in the glory of Mr. Tarantino's luscious foots. This is nice and friendly. we aren't scared. Are You? Blancmange. Intro music by SniffItBigTime: https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4

*SPOILERS? NAH-AH. NOT IN THIS PARISH, DARLIN'* Hello. are you lonely? we are. collectively. three big lads taking on four little women. GADZOOKS! We're rough, raw (don't shoot in that format) and ready. Expect some musings on our friendly cinema meerkat pals and their desires and our anger at a distinct lack of small sized women in the picture. Love ya like Casper loved his goal post. MUCKY MUCKY DIRTY STUFF. Intro music by SniffItBigTime: https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4

NO SPOILERS IN THIS HOUSE, BABY! We're back, erect and ready to go! lots to dissect in the first of a three part special on Oscar season. expect songs about muck in your private parts and musings on Hitler. Corned Beef Hash. Intro music by SniffItBigTime: https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4

Guess what?!?! We,for some reason, see ourselves qualified enough to tell you what’s good and what’s dog dirt. This is The Jousties. This marathon episode sees us debate pretty much everything that’s went down in the past 12 episodes, but not in the ‘best bits’ recap way most tv/audio shows do. This is all original and new baby! Some new impressions, an original song about trains and a booze infused recording makes for a barracks hour and a half. We’ll see you in a few weeks. We need a break and we haven’t washed our lower back in months. I fuc*ing love cheese by the way. HAPPY NEW YEAR. WE LOVES YA. Music supplied by the absolute legend that is SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

So here we are, our very own Christmas special, and what’s more Christmassy then La La Land? So many things but that’s besides the point. After an entire season of us hinting at it in nearly every episode we finally cover Callum’s favourite movie of all time in this extra long episode cause pretty much the entire first half an hour is spent talking about Keanu Reeves of all people. Anyway seasons greetings and all that. MacClunky. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

Glad Tidings on this, the festive season (we hope). This week we TACKLE Die Hard, Sam's favourite film of allllll time. a lovely edition to see you over Christmas and warm the COCKLES of your heart. Expect stories about dictators' wives' buying sandwich fillings, The worlds only Paul Blart: Mall Cop Appreciation Society and a discussion on favourite Christmas characters, which may or may not lead to some truly horrific impressions. We're in the future for this episode. we don't know what it holds, all we hope is it holds us, and indeed all of you, very tightly. Hope you get 15 packs of dishcloths for Christmas xx Seasons Greetings from your friends at CineJoust. Follow us everywhere @CineJoust | Email me pictures of your big toe with tinsel on it: cinejoustpod@gmail.com. Boiled Muck. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* if that even matters. A conspiracy special of sorts, getting in deep to our favourite things that maybe didn’t happen including Elvis as an extra in Home Alone and Stanley Kubrick directing the actual moon landing. I can’t even remember half of it truthfully - I know there’s some talk of DIY circumcisions. Follow us everywhere @CineJoust | tickle my taint at CineJoustpod@gmail.com. Corned beef sandals. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* It’s the first of our Christmas Specials and Callum even spent all of 2 whole minutes making a modified logo AND jingle for the occasion. We feel both of the changes reflect who we are as people. We tackle a fair few things in this one, including how crap this film is, coupled with the correct pronunciation of ‘film’ that has plagued Callum all his life. We talk Motorola’s, yoghurt adverts and the fact there is no discernible difference between Colin Firth and Hugh Grant. Hope your Christmas shopping is coming along well. Get us everywhere @CineJoust | Email us recipes for cheese flavoured hot chocolates cinejoustpod@gmail.com. Bourbons. Intro music done by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*SPOILERS* A little treat for all you ragtime gals and fun-time guys. Martin Scorsese's latest is quite the divisive one (and ridiculously long). We sit through it so you don't have to.  Expect existential crises and a big turd laid out 'pon Netflix. Hope your advent calendars aren't that cheap tat. God Bless. The Jousterz x. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* It’s a Crazy, Stupid Podcast. It feels much longer than 8 weeks let me tell you. This episode tackles first crushes as wee nippers, screwdrivers where they shouldn’t be and a nice festive song to finish you all off. We’ve got some big things coming over the course of the rest of the year. Get us everywhere @CineJoust. Send us videos of how long you can scream: CineJoustpod@gmail.com. Cheers babes. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

Here we go week 7! Brad's creativity, or lack thereof, results in us reviewing a film that's 27 years old this week. For the first time we incorporate a section on our favourite headlines of the week. the film itself gets spoken about for around 5 minutes. Expect impressions of Mickey, Donald, Goofy and Caitlyn y mucho more. It's a fudging weird one this week, just a barrage of nonsense. hope you enjoy and remember to water those plants! Find us everywhere @CineJoust | Email us Fireman Sam fan fiction: cinejoustpod@gmail.com God Bless This Mess. Terrence. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* Once again the crass, well educated and sometimes intoxicated film students are back with another romp discussing Yorgos Lanthamos’ first English speaking film The Lobster, which may be in contention for the jousters favourite movie as a group that we’ve covered so far, as always expect the typical intellectual conversation wrapped in our particular brand of foolishness, give us a listen for Elvis, miners, chameleons and singalongs. Also, definitely check out the movie. Get us everywhere @cinejoust EMAIL US NAUGHTY THINGS: cinejoustpod@gmail.com GOD BLESS. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*spoilers* Well then here we are, episode #5, Kingsman. This is quite an eclectic one, touching on many things, only few of them film related, from deep fakes, Chris Eubank, Shrek 2 and non-adhesive glue. Brad desperately fights his side, whilst we desperately try to rain on his parade. Sam’s dressed as a farmer and Callum compared faces to disfigured fruit. We enjoyed this one, hope you enjoy this one Follow us everywhere @CineJoust Email us some smut: CineJoustPod@gmail.com Cheers. Enjoy. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* Halloween Special! We urge you to see this one first, as there’s so much going on and we absolutely love this film. So we recorded this one once already but the audio was horrific. This is take two, recorded after a wild night on the tiles, still very much drunk and feeling the effects. This is the most ridiculous and fun episode we’ve done so far. Nothing is taken too seriously, we just hope it makes you laugh as much as it does for us! Join us as we sober up over the course of this bumper hour and ten edition. Covered today is of course this great movie, tractors, Frankenstein, allegories, ASMR and the slow descent into madness of all three of us repeating ourselves from the lost episode. Some controversial opinions as always and a much more easy going listen than usual, which is saying something. The first ridiculous two minutes set the tone so enjoy that. We even forgot to do intros, oh well. This is our favourite episode. Maybe we’ll do more heavily intoxicated. Who knows, eh? Get at us on Twitter and all it’s mates: @CineJoust Email us I dare ya: Cinejoustpod@gmail.com Enjoy this. We love you. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

What a ride this episode is! If you don’t think you’ll enjoy fruit pastels being used as a source of pleasure for Hollywood’s own Zac Efron, it’s best to skip the first 6 minutes. This episode is the most eclectic to date. There’s Baywatch, The Marvel controversy, fan fiction, celebrity crushes, dictators and the most ruthless rating we will probably ever give to any film. Of course it’s in the Sh*t bin, but in the words of limbo: “How low can you go?” Listen in to find out. We also support female leading roles this episode, explaining why we don’t need a Jane Bond, but instead need more original characters and ideas from Hollywood in this modern era. Some quite serious topics touched on, but even more absolutely absurd points covered. On behalf of all of us, especially Callum for conjuring up the Zac Efron Fan Fiction, we’re so very sorry. Follow us everywhere @CineJoust! Subject your ears to this mess of an episode. Enjoy. If you can. Love u. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* CineJoust 2: Electric Boogaloo! Here we are once again delivering the madness to your lugs. This week we tackle the wild ride that was Ad Astra. Find out a dark secret about our very own Brad and I don't just mean that he's from Alnwick, hear about 20-year-old Callum’s 25-year long career before the podcast started, as well as his strange relationship with his year 11 science teacher and his unfiltered hatred for one Zac Efron and we'll see if Sam manages to get through this episode without getting derailed with conversations about seafood *Spoiler Alert* he doesn't. We aren’t called ‘The film podcast not entirely about films’ for nothing! In this episode we slice and dice Ad Astra, getting deep into its orifices. Quite a lot to say on this one, its been getting quite a few comparisons to 2001: a space odyssey but does it deserve it? it’s a crazy ride filled with the typical shenanigans to be expected from us. So buckle up as we take you to Neptune, or at the very least hang about and we’ll tell you what Ad Astra means, knowledge is power and all that. Sh*t Bin or Not Sh*t Bin? Listen to find out.  Don’t forget to follow the fuck out of our socials. Find us everywhere @cinejoust. Intro music supplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

*Spoilers* Our very first episode! This one seems to be a bit more serious and intellectual (by our standards, so not really) than what will be following for our future episodes, but this is just a really heavy film with a lot to unpack. This is Brad’s pick, being the superhero lover amongst us, and creates much debate. Of course we interject this review, as we always will, with complete and utter nonsense and derailments. Callum will of course be taking the conversation down routes you would never imagine, Episode Title case in point. Will Joker end up in The Sh*t Bin or The Good Bin? There’s only one way you can every truly know. (Listen to the podcast) (Please). Intro music suplied by SniffItBigTime (https://youtu.be/qaaspWTc0n4)

Three lads, one film a week, very different opinions, this is CineJoust. Expect brutally honest opinions, rants, arguments and tangents. With Brad championing Blockbusters, Callum a self-proclaimed indie fiend, bringing the low budget and avant-garde, with Sam sitting pretty as devils advocate in the middle (usually). There will be conflict, there will be anecdotes, there will be meaningless conversation and there will be blood! This is the film podcast not entirely about films. Dive in!