Single In Christ

So, I went from having two dates per week to having only two dates this year. Why the sudden change? I had a “boo-thang” and wanted to be in a real relationship. He tried to keep it as is. So, I decided to pursue what I wanted. Deciding to leave hurt me, and I didn't realize how much. So, I tried to date, but I wasn't up to it. I gave dating a little break. Now I feel fully ready to jump back into the dating pool but with some changes. I'm going outside!

Overall, dating has been fun and exciting. I have met some great guys and some dusty crusties. But recently, I fell into a dusty man trap. I usually don't dwell too much on unpleasant experiences, but sometimes it's necessary. Here's how I fell into a dusty-man trap. I always protect the innocent, so I'll call this guy Gary. Sorry to anyone named Gary. It's not personal. I have five things a guy must meet before I decide to go on a date with him.  ChristianHave a jobHave a carHave his own place to stayNo more than 1 child, but preferably none How it Started I mentioned those criteria because I went out on two dates with a guy who didn't meet any of them unbeknownst to me. He was a dusty man. Let's start at the beginning. I met Gary back in the early part of the year. We messaged and talked for a few weeks, but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. I don't remember why we stopped; I remember that we did.  Then summer hits, and I get a text from an unknown number. I respond out of curiosity. It's Gary! We chat for a while and decide to go out. I asked why we initially stopped talking during this chatting, and he changed the subject. Looking back, that should have been my first red flag. We had trouble finding the time to go out because I'm a busy woman. I don't cancel the plans I already made for a date. So we talked for about two weeks before we met up. During this time, I asked all the questions to make sure he met my first date criteria. He lied, but I had no way of knowing at the time. The Meetup A couple of days before we are supposed to go out, he calls and says he has to see me. I said we're supposed to go out soon, can't you wait? He said no, he had to see me right away. This is Sunday morning, and I'm getting ready for church. I didn't have time for a meet and greet. He kept calling and texting until I finally agreed to meet him. This should have been my second red flag. I get ready fast and meet him at an agreed-upon location near my church. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to invite him to the church I'm always talking about. It's late June or early July, but it's super hot either way. The air in my car isn't working that well, so I'm sitting there sweating. Here comes Gary rolling up. He hops out of the vehicle in the most unflattering outfit I've ever seen. He had on a shirt with holes, basketball shorts, socks that didn't entirely cover his ashy feet, and slides. Disappointment At this point, I'm thinking to myself, you just had to see me, and this is how you look? I'm super annoyed. He gets out of the car and saunters over like he is God's gift to women. I purse my lips in preparation for nonsense to come out of his mouth. And it did. He starts talking about how he couldn't wait until our date to see me. He's licking his crusty lips every five seconds. I was so distracted by his appearance I don't remember what he said except that it could have waited until our date. I don't say anything because I'm hot and annoyed. Plus, he looked dusty. I let him talk for about 5 minutes, then said I needed to leave. At this point, I'm devising a plan in my head on how to let him down quickly. But it didn't go exactly as planned.  Falling Into the Trap The next day I called him. We're keeping it light at first, talking about everything and nothing. Then I hit him with I the I'm not romantically interested, and I think we should be friends. He says cool, but he would still like to hang out. I have no idea why, but I agree. This is how I fell into the dusty-man trap. As the week progresses, he calls me and says his car is in the shop and he lost his debit card. It sounds suspicious, but I say okay, do you want to hang out another time? He says no, he wants to see me again. We go out, and he meets me at the location. I have no idea how he got there. We have an okay time. He pays for the date with a wad of cash. At this point, I'm determined to break things off.

Let's talk about being strong. Life can be overwhelming at times. There is so much to do and so little time in which to do it. The standard advice is to push through, hang in there, be strong, or you've got this. This advice is well-intentioned. There is nothing wrong with any of these statements. Yet, how does this help the person who is tired of hanging on? What advice does one give to the strong woman who is tired of being strong? Stop the Platitudes Hang in there is easy to say. It's been so overused that it isn't thoughtful. The advice means well, but what is the person supposed to hang onto? For how long? Why must one continue to be strong or push through? Instead of taking the easy way out, genuinely ask how to help? What service can you offer to lighten the other person's load? Is the other person even asking for help or just venting? Yes, it may take a little longer and require more conversation but stop saying a common phrase that seems helpful and offer some benefit or valuable advice.  Pray Strong Woman Take the overwhelming thoughts and feelings to Yahweh in prayer. If you can't pray because life is just too much, ask Yahweh for help. God knows what you need, and He will provide it. Find a scripture that relates to what you're going through or how you want to overcome it and say it aloud. Praying scripture can be beneficial because you don't have to come up with the words when your heart is heavy. Reading the scripture to yourself also allows your mind to stop thinking about everything. It forces you to focus on something else. Ask someone you trust to pray for you. This way, you are getting the feelings out and not going through a hard time alone. Let's bear the burdens of one another. Reach out to that prayer warrior and have them reach to Yahweh on your behalf. Then allow them to continue checking on you and praying for you and even with you. Prayer with others will foster a great relationship and shows how God always provides in our time of need. Do One Thing No rule says you have to do all of the things all of the time. Can you delegate some tasks to someone? Can you cut the list down to what is only necessary? If none of that is possible, do one thing. Do not worry about the list, and do one thing that will ease your mind. Is it wiping the counters but not sweeping the floor? Do that one thing. Life is messy, and we are all overwhelmed. You don't have to do it all by tomorrow. Do the one thing that will help you get the peace you deserve. Rest Strong Woman What if you're too tired or stressed even to do that one thing? Well, take this opportunity and rest. Try not to worry about what's next or look at the big picture. Try to watch a movie or eat a delicious meal. If possible, leave the stressful environment for a few hours to do something that sparks joy. You can also take a nap and sleep the worries away. The point is to rest and do something that is not overwhelming. Rest can make all the difference. Even Yahweh took a day to relax, and He never sleeps nor slumbers. 

So we all know the story about the prodigal son. The scripture where the son demands his inheritance and goes off and squanders it then returns home. The moral of the story is that no matter how far you wander away from home, God will always be there to welcome you back with open arms. Usually, when you hear that parable, it focuses on the prodigal son. Other times the focus is the elder son who stayed. His reaction of anger and resentment is treated as a precautionary tale of what not to do. I don't often hear the perspective that while the elder son was resentful and angry, the father still offered him grace and comfort. The father tells the elder child, "...Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours." That's the power within. Blessings The loyal, faithful, and obedient son always had access to the inheritance. Even while rejoicing over the prodigal son's return, the father ran out to comfort and advised the elder son. The elder son had proximity, access, and his father's ear. How often do we focus on someone else's blessing when we had access to our Father the entire time? The loyal and obedient children are always in the presence of the Father. Why should those so near to God take it for granted by looking at another's blessing? Full Access God has placed within us a power that we have access to all of the time. While comforting the elder son, the father says, "all that is mine is yours." How often do we take our unlimited access to God and His kingdom for granted? All that is His is Ours. Lately, I've been feeling like the eldest child. I'm watching everybody else get to celebrate and bask in their blessings. While I don't begrudge anyone their just deserts, I feel a little left out.  Which is what I imagine the elder son felt as well. Here I am in the field, working and being obedient. I watch from afar as others get celebrated and blessed, wondering when it will be my turn—forgetting that my Father is right there. I can go and talk to Him at any point in time.  The Power Within All I had to do was ask, and it would be given to me because He is close to me. As a matter of fact, even when I was disobedient and willfully rebellious, He still celebrated me and called me back to Him.  And I still had access to His entire kingdom to His full divinity when I returned. It seems a bit silly now. I have God, the Creator, near me, willing to comfort me, and I'm too concerned about when my blessing will come. He is always with me, including his peace, power, and might.  Rejoice God's power resides within me through his Holy Spirit. What shall I fear? Of whom do I have to be afraid? He is near; He inclines His ear to me. He is concerned about me. And it is through that invested power within; He can do exceedingly abundantly above anything I can ask or think. It's all because of the power within. So, we have God and His power near and in us with any obstacle, challenge, or situation we face. Remember, no matter where we are, we have full access once we come to Him. We are His, and He is ours. Let's use that power within to edify, support, and love. Our time is coming, and it'll be sooner than we think.

This year I learned more than ever that my words matter. I may have lost some things due to my inability to express what I wanted or felt. Though I may not lose those things forever, I vow never to repeat the same mistake. I have to be honest, transparent, and open. Words matter, and I will use them to speak life. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death. Revelations 12:11

Are you that relative that always has something to say to the single relative? Are you single and tired of those relatives that always ask you awkward questions about your love life? Here are some things to stop saying and responses to those crazy statements.

Forgiveness in Greek means sending away, letting go, giving up debt, not condemning, or keeping no longer. Forgiveness is the hard work of Christianity. As believers, we must forgive those who harmed us. It seems like a simple request. Your sins were wiped away when you were forgiven, so give others the same forgiveness. Yet, the actual act of forgiving someone is hard. This begs the question, why is it so hard?

What goals have you accomplished this year? 2022 is almost upon us, it's time to set new goals and re-evaluate the old ones. Here are some of the goals I did and didn't achieve.

I know the pain of a broken heart: the despair, the brokenness, and feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I've cried those same tears. I've felt there was no one to turn to, no one who could understand what I felt. Yet, there is hope! You will heal from a broken heart. Broken Heart Healing from a broken heart requires you first to process the pain. Processing the pain looks different for everyone. Some people cry others shout, and some go to therapy. In my case, it was all three combined. Whatever you do, please don't hold it in. Someone or something broke your heart, and it hurts. Don't suffer in silence. Don't allow your feelings to control you. Let the pain out. Psalm 34:17 says, "The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles." The Lord hears you when you cry out, so cry out. No one can listen to what you keep hidden inside. Once you cry out to Him, he will hear you and rescue you from your troubles. Let It Go Once you've processed the pain and cried out, stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop thinking about all the ways you could have avoided it or things you should have done. It won't ease the hurt. It only makes things worse because you keep reliving the pain. I know it's going to be hard, but try not to think about it. You have to let it go. Let it go by keeping your mind fixed on God. Isaiah 26:3 says, "God will keep you in perfect peace when you fix your thoughts on Him." You can keep your thoughts fixed on Him by thinking about what is true, honorable, right, pure, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). If you find yourself thinking about the hurt, stop and redirect your thoughts to God and more pleasurable things. In time you will find that you are in His perfect peace and on your way to having a healed heart. Forgive In that peaceful place, you'll find it easier to forgive. Why should you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply? Why should you forgive someone who knew you, loved you, and still hurt you? Should you forgive someone who doesn't even deserve forgiveness? It doesn't seem fair. I struggled with this the most. It feels like someone should pay for the pain they inflicted. Someone should hurt, just like you are hurting. The thing is, though, it's never quite satisfying to hurt someone else just because you're hurt. It doesn't erase your pain. You may feel vindicated, but what does that feeling do? It just adds more hurt to the world. Compassion In order to forgive, you have to do so from a place of compassion and mercy. You cannot forgive in your own strength. You have to rely on God to give you the grace to forgive. Why does God continually forgive us when we constantly hurt Him? When we intentionally disobey Him? He forgives us because He is full of grace and mercy and expects us to extend that same grace and mercy to others. Colossians 3:13 says, "make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." We are commanded to forgive as we've been forgiven. To forgive, I had to remember that God forgave me when I didn't deserve it, and He did the same for me. Consider how God has forgiven you. Think about all that you have done and how much mercy God has shown you. Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart so that you can rely on Him for the understanding and compassion needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness will lead to healing. Healing and wholeness are God's desires for you. Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." Broken Heart Healing is a process, and there is no timeframe for it. It may take some people a week and take others years. Although dealing with and healing from pain isn't easy, you will survive. I did, as have so many others. You are still living and breathing and making it through. You may have been knocked down, but it did not destroy you.

Grateful As Thanksgiving rolls around again, we often think about what we are grateful for. The answers are varied, but usually, we hear things like family, friends, and life. While I am definitely thankful for family and friends, I decided to be grateful for what I didn't get this year. Grateful for No Romantic Relationship No, I'm not in a relationship. I still desire to be in one. I'm grateful for the almost-relationships. It feels like I've been dating people non-stop for three years now. Currently, I'm on a break. This break allowed me to realize I'm willing to fall in love. I was not willing to risk heartbreak before. I actually took a chance on love and failed. I failed beautifully, though. So, I'm grateful that I got to chance to learn, love, and laugh. I'm also grateful that I get the chance to do it again; with the right person this time. Grateful for Unanswered Prayers Unanswered prayers seem like a strange thing to be grateful for. Lessons in the art of patience were plentiful this year. Learning to praise Him in the silence is hard. The silence of unanswered prayers is deafening. It makes me focus on the lack instead of the plenty Yahweh has already blessed me with. The unanswered prayers made me look at all that I have. It made me look at the works that Yahweh did through my hands. I realized through the silence that I am a vessel, and there is more work to do. So, I'm grateful for the unanswered prayers because they allowed me to see how much I already have and who I am. Yes, I still want my prayers answered, even if the answer is no. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy and be thankful for everything around me. Grateful for Feeling Stagnant This year, I felt stagnant. I felt like I wasn't moving or going anywhere. It seemed as if I had reached all my potential. I'm thankful that is not the truth. I still have the power, strength, and potential to do great things. Greater is coming for me. It took that feeling of stagnancy to make me realize how much control I have over my life. If I want more and better, then I can work to get it. Nothing is stopping me from achieving my goals and Yahweh's will for my life other than me. So, I'm grateful that I found the will to keep going and push myself. I'm grateful that I can see the future laid out for me, and I'm going to get it. Just watch and see. Gratefulness Being thankful is about showing appreciation for a thing or to someone. The truth is, I have a lot to be grateful for. So many positive lessons have come from what can be perceived as losses. Now, I would prefer to learn those lessons without pain, but it was necessary for me. From now on, I plan to focus on the beautiful life I have right now. Goodness surrounds me, and more is coming. What more could I be grateful for? Thanks for joining me on the journey! Happy Thanksgiving! Love, Kim.

Establishing healthy boundaries is imperative to maintaining mental wellbeing. People need access to us, but how much access should we grant? When is being too available detrimental to our health? How do I set boundaries to protect my peace? How do I make sure I respect the boundaries other people have set? As a believer, how do I help without harming myself? As I continue on my self-discovery and personal growth journey, these questions have come up repeatedly. There have been instances where I needed to establish a boundary and didn't. The opposite is also true. I prayed and asked for wisdom on how to set limits while still exhibiting love. Unhealthy Boundaries At first, any and everyone had access to my whole self. No was not a part of my vocabulary. If someone needed help, I was there. When a friend or even a not-so-close associate called or texted at an inconvenient time, I answered or responded quickly. I held nothing back. I gave all of me and expected nothing in return. In theory, this sounds like a great human being. It sounds like I did more than my share for my fellow man. After all, isn't that what we're supposed to do? Aren't we supposed to serve and do what we can for those in need? In reality, it left me exhausted and a little cold-hearted. I started to dread those calls, and resentment began to form in my heart. My cup was empty, yet I was still pouring from it. I was not taking any time for myself. Saying yes to them meant saying no to me. That way of life was not sustainable. So what did I do? I became rigid and selfish. It was all me all the time until God convicted my heart. That's when I started asking all those questions above. How can I say yes to people and say yes to myself at the same time? His answer was to set healthy boundaries and start using the word no. Healthy Boundaries Healthy boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. therapistaid.com I must bear the burdens of another, but I must also keep a watchful eye on myself so that I won't call it quits as well. Ok, so how do I do that? What rules do I need to set and enforce to serve others and maintain my mental and physical health? The first step was to admit that I was not a superhero. I cannot be all things to all people. Pride caused me always to try and help because I wanted to be the one people called on. It made me feel good. My pride and ego had to go. Though it was a tough pill to swallow, I'm glad that I saw my role in it and had the opportunity to correct it. The next step was only saying yes to those who genuinely asked for help. By doing this, I wasn't out all times of day and night just because someone asked. I started looking for resources outside of myself that could help them. If they chose to avail themselves of those resources great, if not, I questioned if they really needed help or just wanted me to do the work for them. Enforcing Healthy Boundaries Naturally, the next step was saying no. Saying no was hard. I'm a recovering people-pleaser, and I was still dealing with my pride issue. So, saying no took effort, intentionality, and time. Saying no is the way to enforce the boundaries I set. I had to start valuing my own opinion. What I feel and how it impacts me is essential. I gave myself permission to feel and examine whether those emotions were valid. Enforcing my boundaries helped me to do that. Now I can serve in a way that was not available to me before. I can also respect when others say no to me and not take it personally. I went from being too loose with my boundaries to being too rigid, and now I'm somewhere in-between. I'm still learning and growing. There are still times when a yes should have been a no, but thank God for His grace. This life is a journey,

Taking God at His Word https://youtu.be/2ef2_UnZoK0

Here we discuss five aspects of life that make the whole person—faith, fitness, finances, fun, and of course, love. Today I want to discuss being financially whole and what that looks like. Of course, we're going to start with a mini storytime. I started my financial wholeness journey in 2015. I took a Dave Ramsey course called financial peace. The course taught me how to budget and take control of my expenses. During the next four years, I paid off all of my credit cards, paid off my car, and started saving towards a house by moving in with my parents. Now, I understand some of this is a privilege. Not everyone has parents that will allow them to live rent-free while pursuing their financial goals. So, I'm incredibly grateful to my parents for giving me that chance to change my life and the lives of future generations. Debt Freedom In September of 2019, I bought my townhouse and immediately got into more credit card debt. I used most of my money for the house and down payment. No one ever tells you how expensive it is to purchase a house. I was using more gas looking at houses, I had to pay for inspections and all sorts of fees I did not calculate into my budget, but by the grace of God, I was able to purchase my home and furnish it. Then in March of 2020, I lost my job. Yes, at the start of the pandemic and about six months after purchasing a home. Thankfully, I was able to start a career with a higher salary in April. But I was scarred from losing my job and elected to stack my money and take the option to defer my mortgage while the pandemic persisted. After six months of not paying my mortgage, I was able to pay off my credit cards and fund my 6-month emergency fund. Now, was that a wise decision? I think so right now, but those payments moved to the end of my mortgage term so that I may be singing a different tune later. This pandemic and the sudden loss of so many people shifted my goal from financial freedom to financial wholeness. So, what does being financially whole mean? Financially Whole Well, financial freedom is not owing anyone and having complete control of all of my money. However, when I saw all of these people dying without life insurance, losing jobs with no savings, and unable to afford necessities without assistance, I decided to be financially whole. While it includes debt freedom, it also contains savings account for emergencies, life insurance, a will, and health directives, so my relatives know my wishes upon death and retirement investments. All of this is important, especially for single folks. Because we are the only ones who have control over our affairs, we need to have contingencies in place, so should we perish, our families and friends won't be scrambling to put together a Go Fund Me account. I want to take as much stress off of my family as possible. Letting them know what I want ahead of time will help ease the burden. I know this is not people's favorite topic. But if the pandemic hasn't taught us anything else, it's that life is precious and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Young and old are leaving this earth every day, and we need to be prepared. It's time to get our financial houses in order. Uncomfortable Conversations So, I got the term financially whole from Tiffany Aliche, the budgetnista. She explains it very well, so I encourage you to follow her as well. There is no reason why we can't be financially whole. It's an uncomfortable conversation, but how much stress and pain can we save if we have this conversation now? To all my people out there, especially my melanated brothers and sisters, get that will, life insurance, and health care directives now. You can continually update them if you change your mind. Find out how to avoid the probate process. We are a generation of entrepreneurs and wealth generators. We need to plan to pass that to the next generation so they can benefit from it entirely. In future posts,

Here we discuss faith, fitness, finances, fun love today. I want to talk about love, or more explicitly, dating and courting.  So, I had a boyfriend for five years, and after that, I did not date for six years. Then I dated heavily for 2.5 years. It was fun & I was not dating seriously. It taught me a lot about what I wanted & what I did not want. So that brings us to this year. Around March of this year, I hired a dating coach for high-value women of faith. This course lasted 12 weeks, and while the intention was to be found by the love of my life, the result was me falling more in love with God & myself. I found a community of like-minded women who are on the same mission & got the same result. Because my mindset has changed, I know what I want is possible. I also learned how to communicate what I want. I have the vision and can make it plain. Since joining this group for the first time, I have been able to envision myself getting married. Not just the dress or the wedding venue, but I can see myself as a bride and a wife. Before, I could see myself in the beautiful white dress surrounded by friends and family. I could see the gorgeous venue and all of the beautiful flowers and other decorations, but I could not see myself living life as a wife. I know it sounds crazy.  Marriage is something that most Christian women aspire to be, at least the ones I know. We're taught that this is what we should want, a beautiful wedding, beautiful marriage, and beautiful kids. What we weren't taught is how to get that. We're not taught how to envision that life and go after it. So now, I can see my regular, every life as a wife. I can see myself waking up beside my husband and how our lives will look. I can see how we'll parent our children. I can see how we will get through life's trials and tribulations. I can see us celebrating our joy.  That's all due to the mindset shift, instead of focusing on the man and the marriage. I am focusing on myself and making my life as complete as possible. No one wants a person who is just existing. I know I don't. I want someone compatible with me.  Now that I love myself, even more, I'm going to make sure I honor God and my desires in every decision I make, especially the person I choose to marry. Emphasis on choice. I'm willing to wait to get what I want, whoever God has for me. I abandoned the thought that there weren't any good men left. There are plenty of good men who want to be with me. All I have to do is use my God-given discernment to choose the right one for me. I meet good men all the time. If that's not your experience, ask yourself why? I know what I want, and I'm willing to trust God with the next steps.  Bottom line, fall in love with yourself, disabuse yourself of the notion that it's too anything and allow God to work. I promise He will blow your mind. We are attracting and manifesting over here. So keep being free and living in joy! Please don't forget to share, like, and subscribe! See you next time! Love, Kim https://youtu.be/vn6T0vsM1JU

“So I recommend the enjoyment of life, for there is nothing better on earth for a person to do except to eat, drink, and enjoy life. So joy will accompany him in his toil during the days of his life which God gives him on earth.” Ecclesiastes‬ ‭8:15‬ ‭NET‬‬

Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah, his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 1 Samuel 1:19 So, here I am—a 35-year-old single, childless woman. I am not working the job I want and just kind of generally feeling like I'm living below the promises of God. I'm trying to be grateful and see all the beautiful things that I have in my life. I have wonderfully supportive friends and family who genuinely love me. I have a job that provides more than I need, a lovely home, and hobbies that I genuinely enjoy. I'm even dating, which has proved to be an enjoyable and educational experience. Yet, I feel a void when I think about this unexpected reality. I desire marriage, kids, and a family of my own. I'm approaching the get-up and go in peace place like Hannah. I'm no longer in the weeping year after year phase. THat weeping and anguish got old quickly. I also feel like going in peace is a little like letting go. It feels like I'm giving up on a dream. If I surrender and say, God, if you do, I'm good, but God, even if you don't, I'm still good. Sometimes this feels like I'm burying my desires and dreams to accept life as is. The thing is, I know in my mind this isn't true. In my mind, the path forward is God's will, and I'm possibly even delaying His will for me by not fully surrendering. However, it's proven challenging to let go and let God. How do I submit and be OK with whatever the outcome is and still pray for my desires simultaneously? All I know to do is go to God and be honest. I have to tell Him how I feel and then not worry. Remember to look at how much He has already blessed me. Then pray some more until I hear from Him. I genuinely do want to lay this burden down. I do want to get up from prayer and walk in peace. I want to praise God whatever the outcome genuinely. I declare that joy will be my portion, and I'll be thankful in all things. So, it's kind of two-fold; my unexpected reality is that I'm single with no kids, and I'm trying to put that at God's feet. But, it's not as consuming as it used to be. Now, I focus more on what's accurate, sound, trustworthy, and virtuous so that God can keep His promise and guard my heart and mind with peace that surpasses understanding. God is faithful and just to perform His word. Therefore, I'm going to live, rejoice, and be free while having fun in the meantime.

Living noun /ˈliviNG/: the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type.dictionary.com This is my year of intention. I plan to get every promise God has for me. I'm tired of just existing or surviving. It's time to live! No longer will I live below the promises of God. Everything that He promised me would be mine. My life will be a reflection of Him. It's time to come alive and do what God placed in me. Free Free adjective /frē/: not under the control or in the power of another; able to act or be done as one wishes.dictionary.com As defined by the dictionary, freedom leads one to believe that she can do whatever she wants. The freedom I crave is to be unbound, unrestrained, and no longer obligated under the yoke of the law. My freedom is found in Christ alone. He set me free to live an abundant life. I am free indeed and will obtain this freedom in every area of my life. Joyfully Joyfully adverb /ˈjoifəlē/: with great pleasure and happiness.dictionary.com His joy is in me, and it is full. I ask this question to myself every day, "What have I done to spark joy today?" Joy is imperative. It's a reminder that Christ is with me. It helps ease the troubles and woes that being in this world brings. Joy breeds gratitude. I choose joy and to be glad. Living Free Joyfully This is a departure from Single In Christ. While that spirit remains, this blog will now focus on the whole single person and not just how to cope with being single. God has so much more in store. I will be married one day. But in the meantime, I'm still a complete person, and I choose to focus on my entire being and not one aspect of it. So, yes, I will still discuss love and dating. However, I will also discuss faith, finances, fitness (mental and physical), and plain old fun. Let's discover how to obtain freedom and joy in every area! Continue living free joyfully! -Kim Check out the latest podcast episode https://youtu.be/2pT94PVxDKk

Last year my plan was not to be single by Valentine’s Day 2021. Enter a global pandemic, my parents and sister suffering from COVID-19, losing a job, getting another job, weight gain and loss, and just the trial of life in general. With all of that happening, no one would blame me for taking time off from dating. After all, there are so many reasons not to date.   However, I still viewed this as a time to go after what I wanted, although I had to be more creative in doing it. So, here's the big question: did I meet my goal? Goal Met? Not exactly, but I’m close. Allow me to explain. My goal was not to be single. So, yes, I’m single, but I did have Valentine's Day date. See, not exactly the goal, but it's definitely progress! I’m still committed to working out this plan. This plan covers many areas of my life, and while it’s not just relationship-specific, it has allowed me to accomplish goals in my life.   I view it like this; I’m doing my best and allowing God to do the rest. I’m fully aware that there are things outside of my control. There certainly are areas where I can improve. I do not have it all together. But with God’s help and wisdom, I know I will accomplish fantastic things. I know His plan will manifest in the earth. So, no, my timeline didn’t exactly work out, but my goal is still in full effect. New Plan So, what’s my new plan? To continue rotationally dating multiple men and enjoying myself. My goal isn't just marriage now. My goal is also to adopt a new mindset and enjoy the journey instead of anticipating the destination. This time, I'm going to pray and allow God to lead me. While I did pray last year, it was more of an afterthought than allowing His Holy Spirit to lead. My plan now includes being excited about the possibilities and not afraid of the outcome. I'm letting go of the rigidity and timeline of my plan and allow God to intervene as He sees fit. Basically, I'm submitting to His will. I haven't totally abandoned my plan. I adjusted it to be in line with God's will. I highly suggest allowing God to have His way. It will blow your mind every time. So, in all things, be led by the Holy Spirit and enjoy the journey. We are complete humans with so many experiences—no need to wait on the next stage to start enjoying it.  Thanks for joining me on this journey through singleness, Kim https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA0xbezbs4E

Intentional wholeness is my guiding phrase for the year 2021. This phrase means I am seeking restoration, health, wellness, and a sound mind on purpose. Things like restoration do not happen by accident. It takes purposeful, intentional action directed toward a specific goal. This phrase also means that I want my whole life to be full, not just certain parts. So, I’ve decided to focus this year on five specific areas: faith, finances, fitness, fun, love. Faith. Faith is dealing with my relationship with God. I picked the word intentional because our God is intentional. He set the end before the beginning. He has a plan for each of us, a plan to give us hope and not to harm us. So, if I want to be closer to Him, I have to develop a plan. My plan starts with fasting, prayer, and bible study. At the end of the year, I want to say that I heard from God and am on the path He set out for me long ago. I want to filter everything through Him. To ensure that I keep Jesus first and become intentionally whole, I declare over myself every day that I intentionally pursue a closer relationship with God through prayer, fasting, meditation, and bible study. Then I take the first 15 minutes of my day to pray and meditate. Finances. God said that we should owe man nothing but love. Unfortunately, as of right now I owe man some money too. So, part of my intentional wholeness goal is to get my finances in order. I want to be a good steward of what God has blessed me with. To do that I need to get out of debt. Knowing that I owe money to other people is draining. There are things I cannot do because that money is already earmarked for debt repayment. I want to regain financial independence. I also want to invest, save, and make more money. At the end of the year, I want to have a fully-funded emergency fund and be deep into the debt repayment process. To aid me in accomplishing this goal, I declare that I am a good steward of finances that God has blessed me with. I know what to do with money and operate in abundance.  Fitness. This quite frankly, is what I’m dreading most. I know the benefits of health and what fitness brings. I intend to live a long and prosperous life. So, I must get in shape not only for my benefit but for the benefit of any future children, I may have. My legacy depends on my being well. Living out the plans God has for me depends on my health and wellness. This doesn’t mean just physically either. Mental health is important as well. At the end of the year, I want to be quite a few pounds lighter and be able to claim the peace and rest of God every day. My fitness affirmation is my mind and body are getting stronger and healthier every day. Fun. This one is simple. I plan to have more fun in 2021. Being an adult, working, and paying bills isn’t fun. I want to spend more time with friends. I want to dance around my house without care. Plain and simple fun, without worrying about what else I have to do. This may take some time and a mindset shift, but I’m up for the challenge. Love. I’m not just talking about romantic love. If I’m looking at the whole of my life, then love persists in every relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I desire to meet my husband, but I want to be a loving person in general. I want to exude love in every interaction I have with another human being. That has not always been the case. My affirmation is I am loved by Christ. I will exhibit His love today.  What goals and intentions are you setting for 2021? https://youtu.be/vHaOC4MTpuQ Recommended Resources http://singleinchrist/a-plan www.kimmcauley.com

What does taking up space mean? It means being my authentic self unapologetically.

There have been a lot of almosts in my life lately. I was almost in a relationship. I almost had a job I wanted. Unfortunately, almost doesn’t count. Being so close and so far away at the same time is an interesting predicament. I’m tired of almost. It feels like failure. So many failures in such a short period seem unfair. I know what God says about me. He says that I’m more than an overcomer. He says that in Him, I have the victory. His word calls me chosen, loved, victorious, wonderful, and valuable. Scripture His word says that He’ll give me peace that surpasses all understanding, and He’ll be close to me when I’m brokenhearted.  Yet, it’s hard to remember all that when all I can see are the failures of almost successes piling up around me. It’s hard to see the victory in Jesus when what I feel is the pain of another no. I understand that everyone goes through this. I’m supposed to rejoice during trials because it will produce character, patience, faith, and a hope that doesn’t disappoint. So, why do I still feel this way? How do I overcome the disappointment of these scenarios that almost worked out didn’t. Where can I gather my strength and rejoice when I feel so weak again? I still pray and rely on God. My hope comes from Him. Relying on God is much easier to say than to do. Pain has a way of overshadowing everything. Thanks be to God that He always hears. Amid my tear-filled prayers, He always sends an answer. He reminded me to be grateful. Instead of thinking about what didn’t work, I started thinking about what is working. I filled my thoughts with gratitude for all that He has done. For every one thing I perceived to be horrible, I realized there are at least 2-3 things that amazing. Gratitude changed my perspective from almost doesn’t count to better is coming. I encourage you to think about things that are good, praiseworthy, excellent, and holy. Then be grateful for what you have and what is coming. Because in God, there is always better. Those opportunities that God has for me will not pass by me. His promises won’t pass you by either. Take heart, although almost doesn’t count, in God, nothing is in vain. Not even your pain. Thanks for joining me through my journey through singleness,  Kim https://youtu.be/MOq-4eaIVn8

So, you’re single after 30 and still not married. You may be feeling societal or familial pressure at this point. Or you may hear your biological clock ticking louder and louder as the days go by. If you’re like me, you’re probably tired of the ever-ubiquitous questions regarding your dating life.  I know it’s tiring and frustrating. So let me ask you a question. How Are You? How are you doing? It’s okay to admit how you are feeling about being single. Also, take the time to examine why you’re feeling that way. Make sure your feelings are not from any outside pressure. Your feelings should reflect on what you desire. Are you enjoying the single life? The season of singleness is the perfect opportunity to live out what God has called you to do. Now is the time to have fun and become the person you are supposed to be. There is no need to wait for a relationship to begin living. Your life should be full outside of a relationship. If you are unhappy, there is still time to change it.  The journey is just as rewarding as the destination. This is also a time to examine if you want marriage. The truth is, not all of God’s children will get married. It’s also okay to desire marriage. But wallowing in self-pity or replaying past love stories isn’t the way to get there. Begin enjoying your life. What are you waiting for? Past Relationships Do you ever find yourself thinking about past relationships and playing the what-if game? If I had only done this, or if he had done that I would be married by now. That’s a dangerous game to play because unless it was a horrific abuse-filled relationship, we tend to romanticize the past a bit. The past is the past for a reason. Honestly, is there anyone in your past that would have said yes to? If so, why aren’t you all together now? Something happened to cause the relationship to end. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was you. Did either of you have the emotional maturity or communication skills to sustain the relationship until now? There is nothing wrong with looking in the past to get a reference for how far you’ve come or to look at the lessons learned. However, don’t live there. If there isn’t anyone who you would have said yes to, forge ahead. Either way, the best is yet to come.  Continue Working on Yourself By working on yourself I don’t mean strive for perfection. Perfection is not a requirement in this life. It’s also not a requirement for marriage. If it was, no one would be married. Reject the notion of perfection and embrace excellence. Become the best you possible. If that means getting out of debt or living a healthier lifestyle, do it. Operating in a spirit of excellence doesn’t require a partner. You can do it while still single. You’ll be doing this even after marriage so go ahead and get into the practice of examining your mindset and life. Some areas may need work, others may not. Continue to work on your communication skills. Start the business you always wanted. Become proud of who you are and the life you’re living. If you desire marriage, this will only make you more attractive to your potential mate. Who are You Attracting? We all have a type.  A preference for the type of person we want to date and eventually marry. That type isn’t necessarily who we are attracting. I don’t believe you attract who you are. We attract all types of people. It’s up to us to use our God-given discernment and wisdom to determine who to say yes to. The better question is who are you saying yes to? There is no obligation to enter into a relationship with any person that approaches. Test the spirit by the spirit. Only say yes to those people who God says yes to also. In truth, the people we enter into relationship with are a reflection of us. Why would you enter into any type of relationship with a dusty crusty person? Once their character is revealed, say no and move on. Saying yes to a person shows how much or how little you value yourself and your goals.

Ever since the social unrest and racial injustices erupted, I’ve been torn. Where does my allegiance lie? Do I have to choose between my blackness and my God? How can I reconcile being Black and Christian?

There is so much going on in the world right now. This is the time, more than ever, to pray, listen, and obey.

This is my journey to freedom. I had no idea God would take me down this path during my single season, but here I am. I crave freedom, and I know it's there for me. Now I have to walk this journey to obtain the freedom that's rightfully mine. God Can Do It I'm often asked, why I can't just let go? What's stopping me from being free? Honestly, I'm the reason I'm not free. I understand that God has already freed me, but it's hard to accept that freedom in my heart. Let me clarify. It’s not that I don’t believe God can do it, it’s that I don’t think He will do it through me. I know His will shall be accomplished but the fact that He chooses me to accomplish it boggles my mind. How do I accept the freedom He so generously gave me. He’s already set me free. How do I walk in that freedom? How do I just let go and let God? I just don’t know how to accept it. Attempts at Freedom So, I try hard to be the best at everything I do. This way, if I practice and do everything just right, then I won't have to worry about being free. With every attempt, freedom will just come right? So, I try my best to speak as eloquently as possible, to know His word, to pray better because that’s all I know how to do. I’m sure learning His word and praying is good but I still feel like there’s something deeper that I’m missing. There’s this one thing that if I can just grab hold of, all will make sense. Maybe it’s a trick of the enemy. But freedom still seems elusive. My attempts at chasing perfection make me feel even more bound. I know He’s set me free, but how do I receive it? Head Knowledge My head knows what He’s done, but my heart says not for me. And that’s ridiculous. Why not for me? Who am I that He would do it for everyone else and not for me? It’s just not true. So, why do I feel this way? Maybe I don’t know who I am in Christ? What’s my identity in Him? He’s told me so many things about myself. And I believe Him for most of the things He told me. My problem is a lack of faith that He’ll do it through me. Now I’m faced with the task of going deeper in Him to find out who I am. What good is anything else, if I’m not operating as He created me? Freedom The next step is to discover who I am in Him. Yes, I know all the things that apply to all of His children, but who am I uniquely? What talents and gifts did He give specifically to me so His will may be done? This is going to be a journey for sure. I’ll start where I know and go from there. God will reveal each step in time. Knowing that He still loves and calls me by name gives me hope that I will get everything He promised me, just not in the time I expected. I'm okay with that because I finally feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I'm moving toward freedom and it feels good. This post was a little more transparent than most, so thank you for joining me on my journey to freedom through singleness, Kim https://youtu.be/owU4LFxOInA Watch the latest podcast episode here

It’s only been less than 2 years since I’ve committed to seriously dating, so I need to give myself dating grace.

A friend recently asked me what is my goal as a Christian? The first thing that popped into my mind was a right relationship with God. But what does that look like for me? How can I have a relationship with God and not the same old traditional religion I’m used to?

This hasn’t been an easy time for most of us. The media is pushing the narrative that we should be afraid and worried. While there is cause for concern, my attitude at the outbreak of the pandemic was decidedly positive. I was confident that God would see me and everyone connected to me safely through it. Then, I lost my job.  The First Blow That was the first blow. The economy is up and down due to That Rona. Now is no time to be without a job. Thankfully, I saw it coming and was able to obtain another job the following Monday. While the downturn in the economy and the job market has been detrimental to many, God allowed me to keep working. So while it looked down for a little, I still trusted God to see me through and He did exactly that. Then, my parents fell ill. The Second Blow Around the time I started my new job, my parents fell ill with what they thought was the flu. My mom told us not to come over because they were sick. With everything going on with That Rona, my sister and I suggested they go get tested for it just to rule it out. They were adamant that they didn’t have it. Yet, their illnesses worsened. My mom said it felt like the worse flu she’s ever had. My dad wasn’t talking because he was so short of breath. After a couple of days, my mom started getting better, but my dad didn’t. His breathing worsened. Coronavirus One night, my mom noticed that he was too weak and breathing too shallowly. She took him to the ER and he was admitted at once. 12 hours later he was diagnosed with COVID-19.  He was taken to ICU and put on a ventilator because he was too weak to breathe on his own. My mom was diagnosed with COVID-19 the next day. I thank God that they were in the position to go to a doctor and be diagnosed. My mom was told to quarantine herself at home for two weeks since her symptoms didn’t require hospitalization.  Praying Friends The next two weeks were so scary. The details of That Rona are so unknown, even now. There are conflicting reports of what we should do, what we should wear, even what the symptoms are. The only thing I did know is that God would see me through this. However, I didn’t know what to pray. I had no words. I had never felt this way before. This was unchartered territory for me. My heart kept telling me to pray and the only thing I could muster was God, help! So I did the only thing I knew to do, I reached out to people to pray for me. They prayed hard and fervently and carried me and my family to the throne of grace day after day until my father came home well. God is performing miracles during the Coronavirus pandemic. God is Good I’m so grateful that my story ended well, many people don’t have that privilege. I’m well aware of the part that God’s grace and mercy played in the story of my family. Although That Rona is still out there causing devastation and keeping us away from one another, I’ve seen God do so many miraculous things in such a short time. He’s a healer, He’s a promise keeper, He’s a waymaker, and He hears our prayers. The fervent and effectual prayers of the righteous still avail much. God is still performing miracles during the Coronavirus pandemic. Keep praying y’all. If you can’t pray, pray His word and reach out to people to pray for you. Love y’all and stay safe out there! Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness, Kim. Recommended Resources www.singleinchrist.org www.gotquestions.org https://youtu.be/_GtO_aRG-E0

Lately, I've been in a dating slump. I'm tired of the dating process. Each step takes so much energy and time. It's an exhausting thing.

1. I Can Accomplish Anything I passed the bar on the first attempt. Up until that point, it was one of the most challenging things I had done. It was daunting. My entire career hinged on me passing this one test. But I did it. After 3 years of law school and an entire summer spent studying, I passed the bar. That let me know I can do anything. Philippians 4:13 (KJV) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me 2. Not to Lean On My Own Understanding Life doesn’t always go according to the plan I’ve laid out, but God has a better plan. It took me a long time to find a job that I actually wanted to do. I found out very quickly that being an attorney wasn’t it. Honestly, I’m still learning exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, but I know I can’t rely on my own understanding to figure it out. God's wisdom and revelation helped me when I didn't know where to go or what to do. It's always best to lean on Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight 3. I Have Permission to Feel Without Being Led by My Emotions This is something I learned about myself over the years. If something isn’t going my way or I don’t feel like doing it. I quit. I allowed my emotions to rule and lead me. I would quit something in a heartbeat. So, one of the things I want to leave in the last decade is being led by my emotions. It’s ok to feel, but I must remain sober-minded. I have to make decisions based on what God says and not solely on how I feel. 1 Peter 5:8 (ESV) Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 4. I Can Love Jesus and Still Go to Therapy 2012-2016 was wild. So many things happened. I ended a 5-year relationship. I lost my confidence and hope. I became confused, distrusting, distant, thought I was unlovable. It was a dark time. I remember my mind be cloudy and thinking it would always be this way. So, I talked to my pastor at the time and he recommended therapy. It was eye-opening. I always thought therapy was for crazy people. I was resistant at first because I was taught all I needed was prayer and Jesus, but I wasn’t given any practical tools to allow Jesus’ transformative power to really work in my life. Therapy gave me those tools. I still use those tools to this day to help me use God's word to work through life's issues. 2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV) We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God... 5. I’m Loved and God Wants What's Best for Me  I went through a period where I felt so unloved. I felt incapable of giving or receiving love. God showed me in a dream how much He really loved me. I realized at that point that He loved me since the foundations of the earth and nothing will ever separate His love from me. Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 6. Prayer Changes Me The more I pray, the more my heart changes. Where I was once hard, I am now soft. Prayer increases my faith, prepares me for situations, helps me to defeat temptation, and allows me to see God’s power in the life of others. It doesn’t always change the situation, but it certainly changes the way I view a situation.  Philippians 4:6–7 (ESV) do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 7. My Words Have Power This past decade I started speaking affirmations over myself. I would say them silently, out loud,