Podcast appearances and mentions of linda ranson jacobs

Linda Ranson Jacobs, who specializes in ministry to single parent families, offers encouragement, hope, and practical guidance to single moms and dads so that they and their children can thrive. Get Linda’s book “The Single Parent” for your donation of any amount: https://donate.focusonthefamily.com/don-daily-broadcast-product-2021-03-30 Get more episode resources: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/broadcast/finding-hope-and-joy-while-single-parenting/#featured-resource-cta If you’ve listened to any of our...

On this episode we talk with Robert Lloyd, the Director of Singles Ministry at Olive, and a very special guest, Linda Ranson Jacobs. Linda is a speaker and an author and she joins us to talk about her newest book, The Single Parent: Confident and Successful.---Linda will be joining us at the Single Parent Conference, right here at Olive on April 3-4. Registration for that event opens up on March 1st at olivebaptist.org/events.--- Conversations at OliveWeb: olivebaptist.orgFacebook: facebook.com/olivebaptistchurchInstagram: instagram.com/olivebaptistTwitter: twitter.com/olivebaptistYouTube: youtube.com/olivebaptistchurch---Conversations at Olive is created and produced by Olive Baptist Church in Pensacola, FL

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat Guest:                         Ron Deal                               From the series:       Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat  Bob: In a single parent family, it's not uncommon for a child to sit in the passenger seat while mom or dad are driving. When mom or dad get remarried, and now there's someone new in the family, that child may not like the idea that their seat in the car has been taken over. Ron Deal says we need to be aware of that and help those kids adjust to the new normal. Ron: Why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What's going on for a kid? Well, sometimes they just want to ride in the front and they want what they want, but also there is: “I've been through some really rough stuff. I've lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,”—a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce—“I don't want to go through another one of those things.”  They are hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they've seen it happen already in their home. 1:00 Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, August 27th. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We're going to talk today about strategies to help step-parents help their children adjust to the new normal of a stepfamily. Stay with us. And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. One of the key principles that we try to drive home in FamilyLife's Art of Parenting™ video series, and something that you and Barbara wrote about in your book, The Art of Parenting, is that, in a family, the marriage relationship has got to be the priority relationship. For the sake of the kids—  Dennis: Right. Bob: —it's got to be the priority relationship. That's true in an intact family. That has some unique challenges that come along with it if you're dealing with a blended family. Dennis: Yes. One of the biggest arguments we used to have with our kids, on our way to school, was who sat in the front seat—[Laughter]— 2:00 —who got the front seat with daddy. You know, when mom is in the car with me— Ron: Is there any debate at that point? Dennis: —there is—there was never a debate; because they knew that next to daddy's heart was mama. [Laughter] Bob: And by the way, that is our friend, Ron Deal, who joins us today on FamilyLife Today. Ron gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended® and appears here, from time to time, when we're talking about blended family relationships. Glad to have you here. Ron: Thank you. Dennis: And it's different in blended families. Bob: Yes. Ron: Think about your scenario—when mom gets in the car, there's no question—mom's in the front seat; everybody knows it. Now, one of your kids may go, “Ah, it's my turn; but okay, I kind of understand mom rightly belongs in the front seat.” Dennis: There is no discussion! Ron: There's no discussion; there's no debate.  But what if the storyline had been—they take their turns riding in the front seat, and there is no mother in the picture; you're a single dad. The kids ride in the front; everybody has their turn—they belong there.  3:00 Then you go and marry somebody, and now it's her that rides in the front seat. How do your kids react to that? Bob: What had been their territory/their spot—they've just been displaced. We may think, “Well, that's not a big deal”; but that represents something. I mean, we're using it as a big deal about where mom sits in the car. This represents something about the order of the family that can be very threatening to stepkids. Ron: I have to say—one of our most popular articles on FamilyLife.com, in the blended family section, is an article that is exactly about riding in the front seat. In fact, it's called “Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat.” I write about this, at length, in two of my books: The Smart Stepfamily and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage. Why?—because we have learned this is such a critical dynamic to get right for your blended family to do well. Bob: Ron, I was just recently at a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway, talking to a couple in crisis. They weren't sure they could make their marriage work—blended situation.  4:00 She brought kids into the marriage; he didn't have any kids from any previous relationships. We were having this conversation. I said to her: “I understand that you feel guilt and shame. You feel responsible for the loss you're kids have experienced. You want to do anything you can to try to make sure you're making up for what you brought into your children's lives. So, at times, you prioritize them ahead of your husband just because, emotionally, you're thinking, ‘I've put them through so much. I've got to sacrifice him for their sake.'”  That's the impulse a parent feels. Explain why that's a wrong impulse—not a wrong impulse—but why giving into it is a wrong response. Ron: That's a very well-worded question, and it's important to the answer. The impulse is understandable.  5:00 Of course, you're concerned about your children—as I would say to this woman: “Your mom heart is very deeply concerned about their well-being. They have been through a lot. You do see the pain in their eyes from the past. You don't want to see more pain in the present, so you want to take care of them and diminish that; so that means putting them in the front seat and asking your husband to ride in the back seat, in which he feels, in that moment, like he's in the trunk.” That is a marital issue, immediately, for the new spouse. That's why you can't put him in the back seat, because you are risking the stability of your marriage. Even though your marriage followed the children, you still have to have it in the front seat, so to speak, in order for your relationship to lead the home.  If you're going to lead from a position of unity, this is both a parenting issue and a marriage issue all at the same moment. If you're going to position the new stepdad, in this case, beside you so that you can lead together, then you have to put him in the front seat.  6:00 You have to say to your children: “I'm' sorry. You're going to have to go to the back.” You're going to have to, then, deal with their being upset and them feeling like, “Oh, you mean you love him more than us?” You're going to have to deal with that hard moment. And by the way, how do you deal with that?—a lot of love, some big hugs, a little TLC: “Now, get in the back.” It's a combination of “I get it. This is hard for you, but he's my husband. Now, he's going to ride in the front. I'm thinking about letting him drive, but one thing at a time.” [Laughter] Dennis: I want to ask, at this point, if you treat this like Barbara and I did—which was, instead of going through the battle, at the moment, of who sits in the front seat, you have a family time—you just say: “Hey, you know what? This is a point of constant strife in our family, so here's how it's going to work.” Ron: Yes; you can anticipate this in a blended family and go: “You know what? We've picked up on this—there's some weeping and gnashing of teeth every time we have a front-seat moment in our home.”    7:00 What does that look like? “I consult my husband about parenting. I didn't ever have to ask anyone else before. I was a single mom; I could do whatever I wanted. Now, I stop for a minute and I ask him.” The kids notice; and they go, “Wait a minute why are you asking him?” Well, this is a front-seat moment: “Well, I'm asking him, because he's my husband; and I know things have changed.” Dennis: And you want your kids to understand the loyalties are to the other parent. The marriage has to be a priority and that they need to feel secure in that commitment that you're not going to run the show by yourself— Ron: Yes; absolutely. Dennis: —or let the kids hijack the car. Ron: So you do some proactive: “Hey, we're going to have a family meeting. Just want you guys to know that some things are going to change around here and this is why.”  Let's just pause a second and talk about language, because I learned a hard lesson. When I wrote the first edition of The Smart Stepfamily—it came out in 2002—and in that edition, I talked very directly about this matter.  8:00 But I made a mistake in how I worded a few things. I used language that implied that, somehow, there was more love for the spouse than for the kids. I don't even remember exactly how I said it, but that's what a few people would walk away from. I'd get letters, and I'd get questions at conference events that I do around the country, even now.  I learned: “Wow! I have to change that, because…”—for example, we say: “It is God first, then your spouse, and then your kids”; right? What are we saying with that?  We're saying, “We prioritize those relationships.” Why do we prioritize marriage? Scripture talks about leaving father and mother; cleaving to your spouse—that is the start of a new home—it's the marriage relationship that lays the foundation.  But sometimes, when you say that to somebody who has children from a previous relationship, what they hear is: “Abandon your children, reject them, leave them in isolation and spend all of your time and energy with your new spouse,”—that is not what we are saying.  9:00 When I wrote the revised, expanded edition of The Smart Stepfamily—that came out in 2014—I changed that wording. I was very careful, because I knew what people had heard. That's not what we're saying.  What we're saying is that there is one single important relationship in your home that will eventually bring stability to your home. But, now, notice—in the beginning of a blended family, putting your spouse in the front seat actually creates a little instability in your home. Now, that's backwards; that's not something that is typical—that's not true of biological families—but it is true of stepfamilies. It's another adjustment for kids; but eventually, it does bring stability to your home because you, as a couple, are leading from a position of unity, and togetherness, and oneness. The children see that and honor that.  Dennis: Ron, we've been talking about calling a family meeting and getting the stepchildren and the bio-children together and addressing them as one group.  10:00 It might be wise for the bio-parent of the children to address the issue separately from the stepchildren, so that it's not an “us” versus “them”: “Here's how we need to absorb this, as a little miniature family, as a part of the bigger family.” Ron: Yes; yes. That‘s wise. The message of that biological parent can be to their kids: “Look, you're the greatest kids in the world, and no other children in the universe are more important to me than you guys. Oh, by the way, there's no other adult more important to me than my new spouse. Now, I realize that that means, for you, that you don't get as much time with me; and every once in a while I talk to him”—or—“her about decisions. We're a team. You may not always like that.” Dennis: And “As the best kids in the universe, I want you to rally around this person I love!” Ron: Yes; invite them to that.  Bob: This is not just a stepfamily issue. Ron: Right. Bob: I mean, in intact families, kids try to divide mom and dad.  Ron: Yes. 11:00 Bob: They try to compete; and in intact families, new mamas often give their heart, time, and attention to their kids—and daddy is now on the sidelines—because mom's got this new love in her life. So this child-centered versus marriage-centered issue happens in both intact families and in blended families.  I remember, again, in the Art of Parenting video series—Bryan Loritts tells the story about getting invited to do ministry in Dubai—they said: “We'd like to invite you, and we'll send you two plane tickets.” He said, “Okay; Korie and I—my wife and I are going to go to Dubai.” He said: “One of my kids said: ‘Why are you taking Mom? Why does she get to go to Dubai with you?” He said, “Well, because I kind of love her more than I love you.” [Laughter] And you think, “You don't want to say that to your kid.” No; it helped his child to hear—and he went on to say: “And you know what? Someday, you're going to leave; and mom and I are going to be together long after you're gone. This is what's important.”  12:00 Ron: This is a really good point, and I want us to unpack what you just said; because there is a difference in saying that in a biological family than in a stepfamily. Here's the difference. When you say that, tongue in cheek, to a child—“…because I love her more than I love you,”—something inside of that kid kind of laughs along with it, because they know that your love for them is unmistakable; it's good and right that you love mom. In a blended family, that is unclear. Bob: Right. Ron: Sometimes children say, “It's good and right that you love your new wife, my stepmother”; but sometimes they're like: “Now, wait a minute. I'm your flesh and blood. How can you say that?” So what has a positive impact in a biologic home can have a negative in a stepfamily home. Bob: And the stepkids have likely been through some kind of loss. Ron: They have! Bob: So when you say, “I love her more than I love you,” they're hearing, “…loss magnified.” Ron: “Oh, no! Here we go again.” “Wait a minute! You said that you loved dad; and then you divorced.  13:00 “So now you're saying that you love this person more than you love me. Does that mean you're getting rid of me?” It does have very different implications, given the narrative of the family's journey, which is why this is important.  By the way, what we're doing right now, guys, is so helpful—this is what I call “going around the Horn”—we're going around the family; and we're jumping into the shoes of the child and saying: “Why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What's going on for a kid?” Well, yes, sometimes kids just want to ride in the front and they want what they want. But also there is: “I've been through some pretty rough stuff. I've lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,”—a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce—“I don't want to go through another one of those things.” They're hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they've seen it happen already in their home.  Of course, they're not going to welcome this new person riding in the front seat of the family car. 14:00 What you have to do, as a parent, is understand that but not be paralyzed by that. That is the big mistake that biological parents make—they see the pain in their child's eyes, and they go easy. All of a sudden, they're putting their kid in the front seat and their spouse in the back seat. That's the wrong move; because over time—you may have prevented a little bit of pain in your child's heart in the moment, but you've created a bigger pain, on behalf of your family, in the long run. Dennis: Are there some ways that you've seen blended families put their spouse in the back seat without them understanding it? I mean, what are the issues that typically show up in a blended family, where the spouse ends up in the back seat or—maybe, as you mentioned earlier—the trunk? Ron: We had a woman write in on Facebook®—follows us on FamilyLife Blended Facebook: “I don't get any time alone with my husband when his children are here. For weeks, it feels like we're strangers.”  15:00 Their scenario is—you know, his kids are at their biological mom's house most of the time. When they come to this house, then dad throws himself, 100 percent, into his kids.  Now, I want to balance this; because, on the one hand, I think that's important—he's dad, and they don't get much of him. He needs to throw himself into his children; and yet, he needs to spend time with his wife, in their presence, so that they see that this relationship/this marriage is really a big deal to dad. It's a delicate balance, but he's the one that has to keep that balance. If he gives 100 percent to his kids and 0 time to his wife while they're there, the message is: “She's in the back seat,”—that's a mistake. Bob: Let me just offer, I think, what can be a helpful word picture here. When your kids show up—and they're now entering into your family / into your marriage—they're going to be with you for the weekend, or they're going to be with you for the next two weeks, or for a month in the summer / whatever it is—you can look at it like: “The kids are here.  16:00 “Our life stops; and now, this new chapter—where the kids are in the middle of it / where they‘re at the center of it—that begins.”  Instead of thinking of it that way, I think blended families need to think: “When the kids show up, they step into our journey. They become welcome passengers in a journey that is ongoing. We're glad to have them here, but they're coming into something that doesn't stop but something that is ongoing—a relationship that is continuing. Life doesn't shelf out of one gear into another, but they hop in and we keep moving forward.” Ron: That's leadership—you are saying: “This is our family. Come join us; we want you to be a part of this.”  Now, again, I have to acknowledge that that's harder than it sounds. There are some situations where it's difficult. For some children, they have felt slighted—because of how things happened or how they got shifted around between homes—so this feels like another “I'm just getting pushed to the side” sort of moment. 17:00 I'm a firm believer that biological parents have to move toward their children with intentionality, so they can move toward their spouse with intentionality—it is both/and. Really, this is where we come back to that language thing. Yes; it is God first, and your spouse second, and your kids third; but that doesn't mean you ignore your kids. And yes; your spouse is your priority relationship, but that doesn't mean you don't love your kids. It's not either your spouse or your kids—it's both/and—of course, it is both/and. But we recognize that there is a need for intentionality to position the marriage to lead the home. If you don't do that—particularly, the biological parent hast to be the one to make this happen.  If they're unwilling—let me share a quick story with you to make a point. I was talking with a guy, one time, about his life—I said,” Tell me about your childhood, growing up.” He said: “Man, I grew up in a blended family. My mom and dad divorced when I was very, very young.  18:00 “Probably around age five or six my mom remarried. I had a stepdad.” Listen to his words—he said: “I love this guy. I called him, “Daddy,” almost from Day 1. He was important to me/valuable to me. He's still my dad—far more my dad in my life than my biological dad has ever been.”  Then these words came out of his mouth: “But I didn't respect him. Early on, my mom said to my stepdad, in front of us kids, ‘Hey, listen, if anything every goes wrong around here, I'm taking the kids and I'm leaving.'” See, that was a huge back-seat moment. She said to her husband, “I love my kids more than you, and I will choose them over you any day; so you better watch your step.” What this young man picked up, at the age of five or six, is that: “I don't have to respect him. Mom didn't respect him. He's not in the front seat; I am.”  Listen to how powerful that backseat moment was in undercutting the stepdad's role in the home. You don't ever want to say that to your spouse in front of the kids.  19:00 Rather, the message needs to be: “No, honey; you're in the front seat,” and “You and me—we're going to lead these kids from this moment forward.”  Dennis: And I would say: “Don't ever say the word, ‘divorce' or say ‘leave.' ‘We may have conflict, but we're going to stick it out for a lifetime.'”  Bob: Maybe a time out, but that's okay—it's different than leaving. Dennis: Exactly. I'll never forget flying on a lengthy flight, one time, with a young lady seated next to me. I struck up a conversation with her—she was on her way to her father's house—she said:” I have two homes. I spend one week in one place; one week in the other place,”—joint custody. I'm playing out this whole scenario of front seat/back seat. I mean, we just have to stop and say: “If divorce is about to cause your intact to be split up, we're talking about complexity here that kids should not have to deal with.  20:00 “They should not have to try to figure out who's in the front seat: ‘Where do I fit with mom?—with dad?—with her new spouse?—his new spouse?'”—etc. My heart went out to that young lady, thinking: “What must she think? What must be going on there? How could she be sorting through all the emotions that she was feeling?—the fear: wondering who she was / whose home did she belong to?” Ron: If there's any way to save a first marriage, do it! If there's any way to do that, seek reconciliation. Strive to make that relationship work, because you and your children are going to be walking out a tremendous amount of complexity and ambiguity if it ends in divorce. Dennis: I'd encourage our listeners to go to FamilyLife Today.com and check out the blended family section that's there. Read some articles, listen to other broadcasts, and also come and join us at a Weekend to Remember and get some training to head this stuff off at the pass.  21:00 You don't want to have to go through this. This is not the way marriage and family were designed, by God, to function.  Bob: You mention that you've written on this subject of putting your spouse in the front seat. We have a link on our website, at FamilyLife Today.com, to the articles that you've written; and we've got links to the books you've written. Again, there's information available, online, at FamilyLife Today.com. You and your team are working now on an event that's going to take place October 24th and 25th. This is our sixth annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. It's going to be happening in Little Rock. In addition to you speaking at the event, Linda Ranson Jacobs, who heads up Divorce Care for Kids, is going to be here; Dave and Meg Robbins will be speaking; Lamar and Ronnie Tyler; and others.  The focus this year is on parenting in complex families.  23:00 This is an event for pastors, church leaders, laymen and women—anybody who has a heart for step and blended families and wants to help those families thrive in local churches. They should plan to be in Little Rock October 24th and 25th for the 2018 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. There's information available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you have any questions. Again, the website—FamilyLife Today.com—sign up for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry happening in October. I know this is a busy time of year for a lot of families, with people already back in school or heading back to school. Summer is winding [down]—school supplies/new clothes—I mean, all kinds of things that just crowd this part of the summer. I want to ask you, in the middle of the busyness, to do something. Here, at FamilyLife®, in the month of August, we've had friends of the ministry who have come along and offered to match every donation we receive this month—  24:00 —on a dollar-for-dollar basis—up to a total of $500,000. This is the last week of the month. If we're going to take full advantage of this matching-gift opportunity, we need to hear from as many FamilyLife Today listeners as possible this week. So in the midst of everything else that is going on, can I ask you to go online and make a donation to help support the ongoing work of this ministry?—or call if that's easier: 1-800-FL-TODAY—you can make a donation over the phone. When you give to FamilyLife, your money helps us take this message—this practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families—take it to more people more regularly. That's where the money goes. Again, your donation will be doubled if we can hear from this week; so go to FamilyLife Today.com to donate, or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY.  When you do, we're going to say, “Thank you,” by sending a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey's new book, The Art of Parenting.  24:00 It's our thank-you gift for your support of this ministry. Especially this week, we want to say, “Thank you for getting in touch with us.” We hope you can join us back tomorrow. We're going to talk about how we can have conversations in this culture about Christian beliefs and Christian values without those conversations going south. Dr. Tim Muehlhoff from Biola University will be here to talk with us about that. I hope you can be here as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.  FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru® Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.  We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?   Copyright © FamilyLife. All rights reserved. www.FamilyLife.com  

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. Step-Grandparenting Guest:                         Ron Deal                   From the series:       Step-Grandparenting  Bob: When two families merge—when they blend—and now there are stepchildren and stepsiblings—one of the forgotten parts of this equation often, is the new step-grandparents. Here is Ron Deal.  Ron: Sometimes, when somebody else made a choice—and all of the sudden, you've got not just one, but maybe you've got five step-grandchildren—what if you had a bunch—what if you already thrown yourself relationship with your biological grandchildren, now you've got five more? It's like—“How do I fit all of this in? How do we do the finances?” I'm just saying—I've seen and been involved in situations where the step-grandparents just aren't terribly excited about this. That can be a disappointment to their adult child.  Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, July 30th. Our host is Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. Step-grandparenting can be tricky. We have some thoughts today from Ron Deal— 1:00 —on how to make it work more effectively. Stay with us.  And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. There was a conference back last fall for grandparents. We had some friends who put this together. We helped promote this event—a national conference of grandparenting.  Dennis: The Legacy Conference.  Bob: That's right. One of the speakers at the conference was Ron Deal who joins us in studio today and is the leader of FamilyLife Blended®. Ron, welcome back to FamilyLife Today.  Ron: Thank you.  Bob: You got invited to come and speak at this conference about step-grandparenting which, Dennis, I don't know if I ever even stopped to think about that subject—but that's an issue that a lot of families that all of the sudden find themselves in with very little preparation and very little coaching.  2:00 Dennis: I would say most grandparents feel overlooked when it comes to blending a family together; and I can't imagine what it would be like—to feel like—in some regards, you may be an outsider— Ron: Yes.  Dennis: —to get back in with grandkids that—at one point—you were their heros. You're hearing a lot about this subject as you speak around the country.  Ron: I am, Dennis. Bob, in preparation for that Legacy Conference, I did some homework. I do this every single day, but I was a little shocked to discover that 40-percent of families in the U.S. have a step-grandparent—40-percent! By the way, that's stat is 20 years old—it's old.  Dennis: So, it's likely higher.  Ron: It's likely much higher. The other thing that I found was that the prediction that demographers have is that by year 2030 in the U.S.—there will be one step-grandchild for every 1.7 biological grandchildren—less than 2 to 1 ratio. It is a very common experience. It's going to continue to be— 3:00 —a common experience—and of course, it touches all three of the generations.  Bob: Not just all three generations, but I'm thinking about all of the different permutations of what makes a stepfamily—and then how that expands to the grandparenting. So, if our son and daughter-in-law get a divorce, and now she is the custodial parent, where do we fit into that; right?  Ron: Exactly.  Bob: If there's an estrangement between our son and this daughter-in-law, we may be cut out of the picture— Ron: Right.  Bob: —with our grandkids.  Ron: What that means is that, at Christmastime, when you want time with your grandkids, there's probably four or five or six other sets of grandparents who, also want time with the grandkids. So, all of the sudden, life just got really complicated fast.  Bob: Then, I'm thinking about the other situation which is where our son or our daughter marries somebody who has been previously married and brings grandkids in, and we didn't just become new in-laws—we became new step-grandparents—and it happened in an instant.  4:00 So, instead of watching these kids be born, we're now step-grandparents to a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old that we haven't ever known before.  Ron: What if you have some real mixed feelings about that new relationship? By the way, this is one of the things we are hearing from people: “Hey, I have step-grandchildren. By the way, I also have some biological grandchildren. I've known them their whole lives, and they've known us—we have traditions and time together and all sorts of things. Now, I'm trying to figure out: “What do I do, and how do I find time for the step-grandchildren? But that relationship came about because my child”—let's say—"made some really poor decisions; and we have mixed feelings about those decisions.”  “Now, those decisions have resulted in them getting married and having stepchildren—that gives us step-grandchildren—we never really wanted this. It kind of feels like if we jump in as step-grandparents and throw ourselves into those relationships, that somehow, we're saying what my son or daughter did is okay.”  5:00 “We don't feel like it's okay. We're kind of stuck between, not wanting to give approval—but at the same time—the grandchildren shouldn't be the ones that suffer.”  That's the kind of difficulties that grandparents are finding themselves in—trying to wade through these waters and figure out what to do.  Dennis: You outline three different kinds of step-grandparents. There are step-grandparents who step into the life of a child and actually, are in a long-term relationship helping to raise that child to maturity.  Ron: Right. They've been in a long-term—we call them long-term step-grandparents, meaning maybe, they were a stepparent at a younger age; and they raised a stepchild, and that stepchild is now an adult, now married, now has children of their own. Technically, those are step-grandchildren to the grandparent; right? But you've been in their life since day-one.  6:00 That long-term step-grandparent, probably, has more of a relationship with their step-grandchildren like a biological grandparent would have with their biological grandchildren. It just feels more natural and more connected because of the length of the relationship.  Bob: Of course, all of this depends on the kind of relationship that the stepchild has with the stepparent because that's step-grandparenting is all incumbent on—“Are we still friends”— Ron: That's right.  Bob: —“with this child that we helped raise?”  Ron: Let's just kind of walk through the possibilities. On the one hand, let's say you have a great relationship with your stepchild who, now, becomes a parent. You have step-grandchildren. Odds are you're Grandma—end of story. That's going to be a wonderful, easy ride.  Maybe you have—on the other end of the continuum—a really awkward, difficult relationship with your stepchild who, now, has children. It can go one of two ways. What I see a lot is that all of the sudden, the step-grandchildren create an opportunity for connection.  7:00 They don't know you as anything different—they feel like you're Grandma to them or Grandpa to them. All of the sudden, it helps your relationship with your adult stepchild. They watch you be grandmother to their kids.  Dennis: By the way, if you want to win a parent's heart— Ron: There you go.  Bob: Yes. Dennis: —bless their child.  Ron: That's it.  Dennis: I mean find ways to build into their lives. I'm not talking about spoiling them with gifts. I'm talking about finding a way to encourage them, build them up, speak truth into their lives, and be an asset to them.  Ron: I hear from a lot of long-term step-grandparents who say, “You know what? My salvation with my stepchild was the grandkids. That was the backdoor that improved my relationship with them.” I say, “Amen! Hallelujah! Whatever it takes.” Pour into that grandchild, and all of the sudden, their parent is more appreciative of you than they've been before.  Dennis: What would you say to the person who is listening to our broadcast right now that would go—“That's me. I'm in that situation.” How can they take advantage of it?  8:00 Ron: You know it's the heart attitude of inclusion—and connectedness is always a good, positive thing. I mean, extending yourself in love generally works on your behalf—wouldn't we assume that as believers; right?  Dennis: Right.  Ron: Love conquers a lot of things. Now sometimes, you are not given permission to love. One of the barriers here for step-grandparents is that middle generation. Let's say you have a son or daughter or stepson—stepdaughter who blocks your ability to be a grandparent. Well, they can. They can just say, “No, the kids are not available”; “No, we're not going to come over and spend time on Sunday afternoon and have lunch. No—” They can do that, and that's really unfortunate—it's a heartbreak when that happens.  What I would say to that step-grandparent is “Okay, you have limited opportunity. Make the most of what you have and don't give up.”  Bob: I'd just throw in here— 9:00 —it can be our attitude: “I'm entitled to a relationship with my grandchild.” I think we've got to die to that entitlement at some point and go—“I can woo that. I can try to earn that. I can pray for that—but I'm going to have to let go of that sense of entitlement.”  Dennis: If you try to cash that chip in, you can alienate even further.  Ron: Yes. Yes, you certainly don't want to do that because then that just almost invites somebody to say, “Oh no you don't deserve”; right? Then, you've got them digging in their heels.  Bob: So, you've got long-term grandparenting. What's a second kind of grandparenting?  Ron: The second one we call inherited step-grandparents. Here is what's happened probably in your life. You've had a son or a daughter who made a choice to marry somebody who has kids. So, your son—let's just say that—your son has become a stepdad. Well, you just inherited step-grandchildren.  Now notice, this was not your choice. You're just cruising along in life. Your son made a choice to marry somebody with kids. 10:00 You didn't make that choice. You may be in favor of it. You may be happy about it—but at the same time, you didn't ask for grandkids—you didn't ask for this to be brought into your life.  I mean most grandparents are excited when they become grandparents. It's a little weird sometimes, to hear people say the very first-time, but—“Yes, I'm getting used to the idea.” Then they throw themselves into. Sometimes, when somebody else made a choice—and all of the sudden you've got not just one, but maybe you've got five step-grandchildren—what if you already had a bunch? What if you already had—you've already thrown yourself into relationships with your biological grandchildren—and now, you've got five more? It's like—“How do I fit all of this in? How do we do the finances?”  I'm just saying—I've seen and been involved in situations where the step-grandparents just aren't terribly excited about this. That can be a disappointment to their adult child.  Bob: We've got to keep in mind—you don't have an extended relationship with this new 11-year-old step-grandchild.  11:00 You don't know anything about what they like. You don't know anything about their history, for the most part. You are meeting them for the first-time at 11. They are not sure what to think about you.  Ron: —And you feel a little divided. You've got three other biological grandchildren. You do know what they like. You do have a relationship with them. Now, I'm supposed to take time away from them to invest time with this 11-year-old that I don't know?  Bob: —who is not sure he wants a relationship with you. The easiest thing to do for a step-grandparent in that situation is go—“Let's just back off and go where we're wanted” —but I hear you saying, “That may be the easiest thing to do, but that may not be the healthiest thing to do.”  Ron: I think we should always—I mean the life and times of Jesus Christ is a guy who walked around turning outsiders into insiders. Is that not the heart of the Gospel? People who were far from God, and He brings them near to God. He extends the hand of friendship, if you will. He extends love and grace to people who don't even know that they need it or want it.  12:00 That's the heart of our Savior.  I think anytime we do that in any situation—let's just paint a scenario like we were talking about before—let's say your son or daughter made a choice. It's a choice you didn't agree with. There are negative repercussions. You're not feeling great about it, but—bam!—you've got an 11-year-old step-granddaughter. I think you swallow hard, and you go—“Lord, help me be an influence in this 11-year-old's life—help us find ways of connecting—we've got to figure this out.” We don't just pull back and go—“Well, this shouldn't be, so I'm out of here.”  Dennis: I like where you are going with that, Ron, because I was just sitting back and thinking, “Most grandparents—when they are finally declared grandparents—are kind of wondering, ‘What's my assignment here?'” It's not necessarily cut and dried with every one of your adult children how they want you to be the grandparent in that situation. Then, you extrapolate the step-grandparenting assignment which that's a new category for a lot of people. 13:00 They don't even know—well, it's back to being dizzy again. Ron: Yes.  Dennis: “How do I relate to this person that's not biologically connected to me?”  Ron: You know here's a principle that I think would apply with both biological grandparenting as well as step-grandparenting: Define the relationship—we're going to have to have some conversations.  So, you go to your son or daughter; and you say, “Look, what role would you like for me to play? Here's what I would love to do. Here's where I'm interested. Here's my heart—my passion. How does that fit with you? Your schedule? Your needs? You have a wife or a husband to consider and their parents. Bring us in and give us some guidance so that we can come together and define what our role as grandparents look like.”  There is one other category, and it's what we call the later-life step-grandparent. This occurs when someone later in life marries somebody who is a grandparent. So, let's just paint a scenario.  14:00 You maybe, had a 30-year marriage, and your spouse dies. A few years go by, you're in your mid-60's—early 70's—and you fall in love again. You marry somebody who is a grandparent. You instantly have adult step-children and step-grandchildren.  Notice, you're the one who is motivated. You're the one who made the choice to marry this person. Typically, that step-grandparent is highly motivated to get to know all the generations—both the adult stepchildren as well the step-grandchildren—but the adult step-children and the step-grandchildren may not have any need for you whatsoever in their lives.  What we often find in this scenario is it's the adult children—now adult stepchildren—who go—“You know what? You're Dad's wife. You're not my mom, and you're not the grandmother to my kids. It's fine if you show up at Christmas, and we sure want you to cook the turkey at Thanksgiving— 15:00 —but don't step into that grandmother role. My mom was grandma—end of story. That adult child has a lot to say about whether or not that step-grandparent can play any role at all in the life of the family.  Bob: I just add to that—and we've talked about this before—patience—patience is a key virtue in all of this—and then grace. Keep in mind that your kids—your step-kids, their kids—everybody in this scenario has a context for what they are feeling. Loss has been a part of most of these people's experience—and when loss is a factor—that can pop up in some relationally challenging ways; right?  This is just where we have to be the people who say, “You know what? I'm going to give a ton of grace. When you start acting out of your loss and start getting angry”— 16:00 —“or frustrated or isolating yourself, I'm just going to go—‘Okay, there is a context for this, and I'm going to give a lot of grace here.'”  Ron: This later-life step-grandparent dynamic essentially creates what we call adult step-families. The person who gets caught in the middle of the bunch is the biological parent. Let's—back to our scenario—this man has married a woman later in his life—in their early 70's—and his children—they loved Mom. She was a wonderful woman in their life—and she will always be Mom—and to the grandchildren—she will always be Grandmother.  Dad can—he's got to be careful because if he's in a position of demanding that his kids welcome her as they would a mother—I just find that that backfires. He's got to be patient, too. Now, I also want the new step-grandmother in that scenario to not become so possessive. I've seen some situations where they look to their husband and say, “Look, if they don't invite me, then you can't go be with your kids either—and your grandkids.” 17:00 Oh! Wow! Dennis: Yes.  Ron: That will divide really, really fast. All that does is sabotage yourself in the family. You have to make some sacrifices. Keep the connections alive so that eventually they see you as an asset—somebody new to get to know and hopefully, they do extend themselves and invite you in.  Dennis: Parents in any family are gatekeepers— Ron: That's right.  Dennis: —to give grandparents access to their grandkids.  Bob: You've just started exploring this subject. I mean we've just touched the tip of the iceberg in talking about it today. Have you written much on this? Can you point us to where we can get additional help?  Ron: Yes, actually, a number of my resources do talk about adult stepfamilies and the step-grandparent dynamic. The most recent is Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily, which is a one-year devotional for blended families that talks about a variety of subjects as you walk through the year.  18:00 The Smart Stepfamily book and our DVD series that churches can use also will talk about some of these things. Then the books, The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad, each have chapters on these subjects.  Bob: Of course, we've got these resources available in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center, and listeners can go online and look for the right starting place—where would you say? The Smart Stepfamily?  Ron: The Smart Stepfamily would be a good start.  Bob: Yes.  Dennis: I'd encourage people to look at the book of James. James, Chapter 1, verses 2 through 8 would be a great passage of Scripture for any step-family. Let me just read it carefully: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness and let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  19:00 Let me just say here—in all this conversation of feeling dizzy—I think this next command here in Scripture is really timely: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him, but let him ask in faith with no doubting. For the one who doubts is like the wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”  If you are in a step-family situation—whether you are a step-parent, a step-grandparent, a bio-parent—and you need wisdom, call on God. Ask Him to give you wisdom: “How do we handle this, Lord? This is so complex. We can't begin to sort through all the pieces of the puzzle here” —but God meets us at that point.  20:00 Bob: Yes. One of the things, Ron, that you have said is that you've got help on this subject. Folks can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. You've written books and articles—and again, there is information online at FamilyLifeToday.com.  You and your team are working—now—on an event that's going to take place October 24th and 25th. This is our 6th Annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. It's going to be happening in Little Rock. In addition to you speaking at the event, Linda Ranson Jacobs—who heads up divorce-care for kids is going to be here. Dave and Meg Robbins will be speaking—Lamar and Ronnie Tyler and others. The focus this year is on parenting in complex families.  As often as not, when you're talking about blended families, the issues that people are asking you about are parenting issues. That's what the focus will be. Now, this is an event for pastors, church leaders, laymen and women— 21:00 —anybody who has a heart for step and blended families and wants to help those families thrive in local churches—they should plan to be in Little Rock on October 24th and 25th for the 2018 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.  There is information available online at FamilyLifeToday.com—or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you have any questions. There is early-bird pricing available now—so get in touch with us quickly to take advantage of that. Again, the website, FamilyLifeToday.com—sign up for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry happening in October.  I know for some of our listeners, school has only been out for about five or six weeks now. For others of our listeners in other parts of the country, school is starting back up next week. Can you believe it? There are some folks headed back to elementary and junior high and high school as early as next week in some parts of the country.  22:00 That's why we're encouraging moms and dads now, to sign up for a 30-Day Prayer Challenge encouraging you to be praying for your children every day for the next 30 days as they head back to school—whether they are in kindergarten or whether they are in graduate school. We will send you a daily prayer-prompt via email. It'll give you Scripture and specific ideas on things to be praying for, for your children.  You can sign up for the 30-Day Prayer Challenge right now at FamilyLifeToday.com, and we'll get you started immediately with your daily prayer prompts. Here at FamilyLife we are all about trying to effectively develop godly marriages and families—and praying for our kids is one of the ways that that happens.  We're excited because there are a number of churches around the country who have already contacted us, and they are launching Art of Parenting™ groups this fall. In fact, some of them are kicking off the launch by showing the movie that we've put together called Like Arrows as a special church event.  23:00 If you'd like information about FamilyLife's Art of Parenting video series—or the movie, Like Arrows, again, go to our website—FamilyLifeToday.com. Maybe, talk to your church leadership about whether this is something you want to do in your local church—and then get in touch with us. You can call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.  Let me just say a word of thanks to those of you who partner with us so that all that we're doing here at FamilyLife can actually happen. Those of you who are regular, monthly Legacy Partners and those of you who will from time to time help support the ministry with a donation—we are so grateful for your partnership.  In fact, we'd like to express our gratitude today—if you're able to help with a donation—by sending you a copy of the book that Dennis Rainey wrote recently called Choosing a Life That Matters. It's our gift to you when you go online to donate at FamilyLifeToday.com—or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation. You can also mail your donation, along with your request for the book. Write to FamilyLife Today at Box 7111,— 24:00 —Little Rock, Arkansas; our zip code is 72223.  Tomorrow, we want to introduce you to a father who has a rather unusual family—a large family. His name is Pastor Gennadiy—and you'll meet him tomorrow and hear about his 35 children. That comes up tomorrow. Hope you can be with us for that.  I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.  FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. A Cru® Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.  We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?   Copyright © FamilyLife. All rights reserved. www.FamilyLife.com  

In this episode, Linda Ranson Jacobs shares her experience with serving and ministering to single parents and families of divorce. After experiencing divorce and life as a single parent, Linda has gained both personal and ministerial insight into how the local church can partner with more families. Linda Ranson Jacobs Connect with Linda on Facebook […] The post Episode 167: Divorce and Single Parents with Linda Ranson Jacobs appeared first on nickblevins.com.

Pam Kanaly sits down with Linda Ranson Jacobs, author of The Single Parent Confident and Successful, to discuss common concerns faced by many single parents. Their conversation will encourage you in your journey of motherhood.

Pam Kanaly sits down with Linda Ranson Jacobs, author of The Single Parent Confident and Successful, to discuss common concerns faced by many single parents. Their conversation will encourage you in your journey of motherhood.

According to a recent Barna Research study, more than 50 percent of Christian marriages ends in divorce. With single parenting becoming more common than ever, the church has not always served single parents nor their families well.  Linda Ranson Jacobs, one of the foremost leaders in single-parent ministry joins Dr. Carol to discuss the challenges of divorce and how to overcome them. Having been both divorced and widowed, Linda knows firsthand the needs of single-parent families and provides key insight in this powerful episode. Resources Mentioned: Get Linda Jacobs' book The Single Parent: Confident and Successful  Find out more about DivorceCare, and connect on Facebook  Find out more about DivorceCare for Kids, and connect on Facebook

All parenting is difficult, but when you add in divorce, the challenge multiplies. Staying connected is harder than ever, and fragile and shifting co-parenting structures and relationships put pressure on everyone. Navigating even the most routine parental responsibilities can become difficult. This episode brings help and hope to those parents who may be struggling. Show Notes and Resources Are children you know angry, hurt, and confused about their parent's separation or divorce? Check out Divorce Care 4 Kids and how they can help. https://www.dc4k.org/ To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit: https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Linda Ranson Jacobs new book The Single Parent. https://www.christianbook.com/the-single-parent-confident-and-successful/linda-jacobs/9780764232848/pd/232848 Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, resources, for blended families. https://www.FamilyLife.com/blended

Linda Ranson Jacobs speaks on how to get to the heart of and minister best to the disruptive child in your ministry. Natasha Crain talks about apologetics for kids and how to simplify those hard conversations. 

Linda Ranson Jacobs coaches ministers on how to understand single parents better in order to minister to them more effectively. Steve and Katie Greenwood give insight into the architecture and creativity behind Elements Kids Worship curriculum. 

Co-parenting can be tough for all parties involved, but it doesn't have to be permanently destructive for the children. Single-parent expert Linda Ranson Jacobs shares ways to parent with success even though both parents live separately.

Co-parenting can be tough for all parties involved, but it doesn’t have to be permanently destructive for the children. Single-parent expert Linda Ranson Jacobs shares ways to parent with success even though both parents live separately.

Sometimes children of single parents cannot verbalize what they need. Learn from single-parent expert Linda Ranson Jacobs five things that children most desire.

Sometimes children of single parents cannot verbalize what they need. Learn from single-parent expert Linda Ranson Jacobs five things that children most desire.

Listen to single-parent expert Linda Ranson Jacobs share why it is important for the church to embrace families with one parent in the household. You'll discover what both the parent and the child need from a church experience.

Listen to single-parent expert Linda Ranson Jacobs share why it is important for the church to embrace families with one parent in the household. You’ll discover what both the parent and the child need from a church experience.

Episode #42 - PARENTING: Divorce Care For Kids. Creator and Developer of DivorceCare For Kids, Linda Ranson Jacobs is one of the forefront leaders in the areas of children and divorce and single-parent family needs. She joins us today to talk about common issues in parenting during and after a divorce. For more details on Linda and DC4K, visit: https://blog.dc4k.org

Linda Ranson Jacobs is here to give us practical advice on how to minister to divorcing families so that they stay connected to the body of Christ. Scott Kedersha sits down with us to discuss premarital ministry and helping couples have a "good offense" to prevent divorce.

Linda Ranson Jacobs, of DC4K joins us again on the LifeWay Kids Podcast to discuss how to reach kids outside the walls of your church. This more than likely will […]

This week’s episode of the LifeWay Kids Podcast features Linda Ranson Jacobs, of DC4K, to discuss how we can better minister to children of divorce in our churches. Why is ministering to […]

"The vast majority of American churches do not have a place that a single mom can say, 'I feel good, I feel safe, I feel wanted' in this particular ministry." K-LOVE's Susan Miller talks with Single and Parenting founder Linda Ranson Jacobs and family exp

"The vast majority of American churches do not have a place that a single mom can say, 'I feel good, I feel safe, I feel wanted' in this particular ministry." K-LOVE's Susan Miller talks with Single and Parenting founder Linda Ranson Jacobs and family exp