Instead Of

Well, folks, it’s been a long week, but the count is finally in: Instead Of, the podcast, is 176 episodes long. That’s right! Your three favorite hosts are hangin’ it up, hangin’ it down, and hangin’ it on a towel rack, respectively. We’re not kidding: this one, right here, is the very last one. Join us, each and every one of you Dear Listeners, as we bid you farewell the only way we know how: graphic descriptions of Neopets having sex. In this, the final one, we explode a roving invisible volcano, Mike and Josh finally consummate their long-simmering romance, and we leave you with a classic final twist: Tapan has a job. May the world remember us by the trail of saliva-drenched microphones we left behind.Pairings: bitter regret; innocence, lost; cautious optimism

Hey, uh, "boo," and stuff. It's the last week in Spooktaboobular October, but if you're anything like your three favorite podcast hosts, you're feeling definitively anti-spooky this year. Instead, this week Josh plays pinball with human lives, Tapan installs dunk horns on his many basketball hoops, and Mike nurtures his burgeoning nudism.Pairings: low expectations; wing buckets; hog fodder

In the strictly non-sexual holodeck here at Instead Of HQ, almost anything goes. The number two thing we use it for is fashion shows. Look! Here comes Josh down the runway with a sultry strut, sporting his signature crotch-top bodyromper in a very jazzy print. And there's Tapan, hand on his hip, beret on his head, John Silver cigarette dangling from his lips. Mike? We sort of... lost him to the holodeck. He's been living in there for months, downing hole-ales at the fantasy pub and rearranging knick-knacks at his new place in Falkreath.Pairings: cool proximity; full Bacchus; a ProMax pocket protector

As the old saying goes, the road to Bob Dole's grave is paved with gingersnaps. This week on Instead Of, we learn that Bob Dole is alive, though our cherished 'snaps have crumbled for a grater cause. By the Untethered Horse, we solemnly swear that in this one, Josh adds bitters to his cheesecake, Mike becomes Fully Integrated with The Customer Service Matrix, and Tapan shows his son how it's (un)done.Pairings: legit_gasp.mp3; dubious claims about your Mayan heritage; catstronauts

Dear Apple Podcasts, Boy did this week's Instead Of suck! The hosts—a fish hatcher, a sexy Tesla intern, and an autocratic iconoclast—do everything from slander the sex moves of the great and powerful Elon Musk to plot the defenestration of Mickey Mouse himself. This podcast must be stopped. No more pee trauma. No more mustache play. Enough is enough. 0 stars!Pairings: a massive Sunday load; warm, wet water; a free rag

Look, everybody makes mistakes. Some of us get fired for performance reasons eighteen months ago and justifiably hide it from our friends and family, while others do unspeakably monstrous things like play anthology TV series out of order. We're here to tell you: it's okay. First of all, there's probably a great Fargo recap vid. And second, you need to cut yourself some slack. Paste yourself some forgiveness. Now get back in that hallway, slam a Natural Light, and gaffe away, kid!Pairings: T-Rexas Toast; Water Drowns Water; girth glottals

Pairings: apt segues; the sum of human wisdom; bravo cane!

This week, it's movie night! First up in our triple feature is the latest MJH/Dave Chappelle vehicle, and let's just say: Executive Producer Josh Harrison is a dirty, no-good liar. Next up, Mike Bogart stars as Krunklestiltskin in the movie it took a cult to make: Cats II. Grounding out the night, it's the Ultimate Director's Cut of the 2004 cult classic Mr. 3000, where they digitally insert flashlights in everybody's hands in every scene.Pairings: tongue crunches; afterparty pregnancy; one libation, extra filth

Any wedding attendee will tell you that the best part of attending a wedding is making small talk with your fellow wedding attendees. Much like a grandparent using Zoom for the third time, in this one we struggle to comprehend virtual wedding etiquette, resulting in: an icebreaker about the random, unfeeling nature of the universe; a marriage between two hard places; and a bright future for the nom de fair.Pairings: dribbling taste; juggling scarves; a flirting trophy

Good evening, and welcome to the Instead Of NewsHour. Our top story tonight: Disturbing found footage of a turkey trot in Boston is raising new questions in the mysterious disappearance of local turkey Josh Harrison. In sports, superstar devoicalist Tapan Jani puts his unbeaten record on the line in the Devoice Challenge. And on the lighter side, renowned eccentric Mike Bogart will offer a reading from his new poem, "Where Do All the Turtles Go?"Pairings: a tasty Sorrento platter; defunct YouTube channels; 14:42 in Hell

Shakespeare once said, "That which we call a grape by any other name would taste as sweet." Much like that quotation, Shakespeare was way off. This week on Instead Of, we eat your organs during the ultimate single-mouth battle to the death: It's cherries vs. grapes. Mike vs. his fedora. Josh vs. gravity. Tapan vs. late-stage capitalism. Fasten your seatbelts, folks. We... don't remember how to drive.Pairings: finger divots; cat options; odds-defying vigilance

Here at ZipVan Winkle’s, we take all the waking stress out of moving. You know how, when you’re awake, moving sucks? That’s where we come in. ZipVan Winkle’s is built on the timeless idea that when you’re asleep, you don’t know what’s going on. With our patented Right Angle-Identifying technology, you can rest assured that we’ll never cut corners. And as experienced storm chasers, we’ll never conduct your move during a tornado (though our patent-pending hairpills mean you’ll never know the difference!). Move with ZipVan Winkle’s, and you’ll wake up in a brand new world™. Also in this one, Josh rends a fence limb-from-limb, Mike stipulates the hair you ate, and Tapan processes the full range of human experience.Pairings: ground-to-air troops; gawking dawdlers; a shallow gene pool

When it comes right down to it, folks, the thing about this week's episode is that it's hard to explain, right? It's even hard for us, and we've been studying it for years! But if you can give us a little of your time and attention for the next 45 minutes or so, you just might learn something new. So let's get started! Did you know that Josh wears the pants of his long-dead ancestors? As we like to say, more like "haute mature!" Now, if you can believe it, Tapan was one of the very first folks to ever spell a number. Amazing! We like to call him a true "pi-oneer." And finally we come to Mike, who's over here hard at work cultivating his cadence to captivate future Bogies.Pairings: a boring boorish boar burglar; boolean operators; 13 potato cubes or less

There's no other way to say it: This week, your hosts shed all pretense and artifice, calmly throttling the life out of our cooler, younger selves as we make a dispassionate defense of the categorical imperative to maximize one's cribbage score against one's girlfriend. Seven years post-Gangnam Style, we here at Instead Of are of an age where being on a CSI show seems cool, and we're thriving. Tapan knows all the best pills to take, Mike's working on his dead will, and Josh plays every game like it might be his last, nice and friendly-like.Pairings: a next-rainbow-up mentality; clarity, finally; a pit rake PR machine

If you're anything like us, and you've recently been on a drug-fueled stream-of-consciousness off-roadtrip with your best buds, you'll understand exactly what we mean when we say that Josh's body is not only a waterpark but also all seven layers of Hell. This week, we get our feet dirty (while they're not nailed down) and really connect with the Earth and all its luscious grasses. Along the way, we learn some important lessons: Jesus knew what he was talking about when it came to ROI on billboards; sometimes you need to wet your own carpet; and toasters are, amazingly, vertical ovens.Pairings: surprise piledrivers; curl accentuater; a cobbler fetish

Hey, guys! Welcome to Instead Of! This week's BDSM ASMR video is sponsored by ropes. We here at Instead Of are definitely not materials science... scientists, we're just globetrotting YouTubers. But let us be the first to tell you: these rope things are great. Next time you're tying a baker's dozen (or more!) mattresses to your truck, try a rope.  Anyway, in this one we ride 'til we die, deal 'til we heal, and dole out some much-deserved carpital punishment.Pairings: gross tortilla misuse; 22YUPNEW5's hilarious new catchphrase; a massage so deep you feel it through your screen

A lot of people will tell you that deodorizing your elbowpits is stupid, but we here at Instead Of are a tufty bunch. When we're not rattailing it at IOHQ, we're hightailing it to such places as Lansing, Michigan, the least expected state capital on the map. Yea, verily, in this one we spend ten good minutes of your time naming a fair chunk of the 50 states and various cities within them. In conclusion, as @REIGaming once twote, the real world is open as hell.Pairings: Juneau, by boat; Montpelier, by air; your shitty face and body

Much like America at-large, your faithful hosts are having a weird one this week, and we must therefore beg for your forgiveness on a number of counts, chief among which is Josh's subpoen-able Pee Movie. Lo, the teen knew not what he would commit to video literally forever, and yet, like us all once we really get going, he could not stop. Later on, Mike takes a touery of a brewery, we become a real podcast, and Tapan is metaphysically undone by hot sauce.Pairings: a stupid idiot Tamagotchi; pen and pad; a tomtom for your TomTom

Soup be damned! We're going nuts-deep this Fourth of July, which means a whole lot of misinterpreted idioms for us and five pairs of wax lips a year for every American. Instead of fireworks, we're celebrating our independence by downing a couple lava shots, putting on some highly flammable facewear, and heading to the biggest movie of the summer: nothing.Pairings: your emergency King of Queens DVDs; a bitchin' 'stache; a Mark Rothko joint

INT. “WIN IT ALL WITH MIKE BOGART” SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHTJOSH kneels, head in hands, on a stage strewn with bloody gray feathers. A falcon, perched on a sawhorse, preens itself to stage left. Shocked murmurs echo from the TV audience.JOSHNot my cygnets! How could you, Falcor!?TAPAN enters the stage, followed by MIKE.  JOSH reaches for the saw at his feet, but MIKE’S foot lands on it before he can pick it up.MIKEI’ve got good news for you, Josh! ...You’re moving on to the next round!JOSHOh... no. No, God, please...This week, we play Win It All with Mike Bogart! Step right up for the chance to win tax-liable prizes including: a beautiful set of brand new baby swans, a luxurious secondhand cat, and this delicious snail over here.Pairings: mental fortitude; lax kidnapping laws; a car to catch birds with

This week, your hosts are all househens and clamhands as we celebrate the nation's numerous and individual small businesses, each of which is unique in its similarity. Among the multitude of self-same businesses large and small, we identify definite outliers: Blacktop Mike's Listening Room, Tapan & Andy's Auto Body, and Succulent Josh's Murder-for-Hire.Pairings: A spiritual hole in your heart, $5 a month, and a Patreon login; enough dogs; Circles: Cones from Above

From spider web hammocks to dark tan cookware, here in Episode 155 we cover everything you need to make your home Instead Of chic. First: appliances. If it's not a Whirlpool, get rid of it. Second: spider crafts. This one is pretty self-evident. Third: a car wash for humans. We can't believe you don't already have this. And finally: pots and pantillism. You'll never make spaghetti again!Pairings: good lip hair; cold drinks; Eisprime on Twitch and YouTube

When it comes to insightful on-the-spot introspection, we're probably not the first show you think of, and that makes a lot of sense. This week, we give it our best shot anyway. We also workshop inspirational whale slogans, denigrate corporate COVID-jingles, and bring a Horse to a Tag fight.Pairings: aclu.org; eji.org; naacpldf.org

When it comes to mail fraud, this podcast has a firm position: Yes. Here at Instead Of HQ, we open other peoples' mail all the time, and you know what? It's even more thrilling than it sounds. We found all kinds of stuff in there this week, including: Josh's fervent teenage social-ishm, Mike Bogart and the Reluctant Witches, and the bad 49% of Tapan's body, but mostly it's ads for pizza cutters.Pairings: Center Stage 2: Ballerina 2 Ballerina; Calphalon-esque brand recognition; the cutting-edge science behind Bagel Bites

Breathe deep, Dear Listener! That sweet scent is the fecund seed of spring (or, as we here at Instead Of HQ like to call it, humping season). Yes, your hosts have had sex before, so we recognize all the trademark signs of the season: The birds are humping, the trees are humping, and the sex dolls are washing up on the world’s shores. So plug up your nose, pop in those earbuds, and listen as: Tapan pulls off a Parker-esque double crossover, Mike avails himself of a virgin Arnie, and Officer Jeff Swears he doesn’t know anything about the animal blood.Pairings: A cop sandwich; Pepsi Min; sex

From new customs to new costumes, we're all adopting novel habits and hairstyles here in quarantine—especially Josh. This week, your resident hairline hardliner has his Travis Bickle Britney moment, while also-host Mike allays all his anxieties among avian-adjacent allies in alleys, and equal-host Tapan tries triumphantly to stamp a talkative teen tiger's ticket to the Ivy League. Pull up a stool, pour yourself a delicious chicken parm smoothie, and say hey to our moms for us, would you?Pairings: crust aroma; renewable China; LaxPact.com: "Legal; advice?"

Here at Instead Of HQ, we’ve been venturing out of our communal bunker one host at a time, and Oh! the things we’ve seen. Pointillism parks, boastful Ohioans, beavers... the list ends there. There’s really not much going on. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a funky party in celebration of Episode 150! Come, join us in our anti-viral communal bunker as we discuss: How many dogs Josh has killed, how many dogs it takes to eat Mike’s chronic inflammation, and how many dog attacks one financial institution can withstand. Hmm? Who’s that weird guy in the corner? That’s just Norton. Don't you worry about Norton.Pairings: straight A's; digital papers; musicsmithing lessons

Here we are, the 15th most popular podcast in the Top 14, teetering on the precipice of 150 episodes, and what do we have to show for it? Bill Macy might recognize us in a GameWorks, sure, but who cares? Listen, it's high time we reinvent ourselves. It's time we dry off our feet, fold up our lips, and get serious. We're coming at you this week with several new endeavors, including: an undeniably funky jam sesh, Instead Of Live: Bad Host Edition, and a first date lip game smackdown.Pairings: scat; Jessica Alba's potential attention; a pear-shaped German ballbreaker

Deep within the furthest recesses of space, quasi-transmogrified by multivalent shards of fractional time, this week's episode is brought to you in quantum simulcast from both inside and outside the neediest, most approval-seeking wormhole in the universe, which is paradoxically contained within each and every cell that makes up your very brain. Much like the... noise particles? that are even now beating relentlessly against your ear drums, so too do we, in this one, beat relentlessly upon the laws of physics in pursuit of the best idea we've ever had: full-size remote control rocket car soccer. Also, Josh rues the ambience of an Epcot: Norway gone by, Tapan weaponizes Schrödinger's Stone, and we get to the bottom of a bon vivant chat's nonchalance.Pairings: password sharing; some hot ganj; an operational segue

In nomine Ovum, et Hominem, et Lepus sancti... We gather here today to celebrate the life and death of a very special egg some of us like to call Humpty, and the sacrifice He made to vanquish that nasty Eggman way back when. Now, children, we have a special Tuesday School tradition in store for you. Mhm, pick up your eggs. Form a line against the wall, that's it. Yes, keep your eyes closed—it's time for The Egging. Also in this one: a face-watering Banksy/Fieri collab, internet data packet transfer protocols (or whatever), and a fire sale on Mark Cuban's attention.Pairings: a holiday that's *not* ultimately about sex; Fudd vibes; white sailors

Do you know how many astronauts are in space right now? When's the last time an astronaut told you a funny joke? When's the last time an astronaut changed your tire? When's the last time an astronaut made an impact on your life in any way? Look, folks, let's face it: Astronauts have been freeloading here on Earth for years now. This week, we're not bitter about failing to get accepted into the space program, and: Josh bombs at a stinky stand-up wing joint, Tapan walks right into a punny Memento sequel, and Mike woos the spiritual successor to The Doobie Brothers to life.Pairings: a 75-pound studio blanket; a convincing tarp; Kleenex origami

If there's one thing your hosts are certified experts in, it's plowing, sowing, cultivating a field to maturity and then harvesting the fruits of our labor (in this case the fruit is wheat). That's right, it's a classic farm-to-table tale in which Mike goes from owning a whole farm to owning one table at the hands of the treacherous Jig Oinkle and the miserly Matt Damis and the man behind the man behind the man behind the tractor, Tapan. Also in this one: several great reasons to skip middle school, several great ways to cheat at poker, and several great ways to milk a pig.Pairings: anti-sad with your counter-students; Quickbooks; an integrity blanket

If you're taking the sudden return of Blackbeard's ghost as seriously as we are, by now, all your bathtubs are full of chili. Here at Instead Of HQ, that goddamn disgusting bathtub chili is starting to look as good as a golden shower from a bullet train honey cannon. You see, your hosts have been working up an appetite. We know what's coming. We've seen the signs. Every hundred years, they say: A great flood. Last time it was molasses. This time... only that bastard Blackbeard can say for certain. But there's one thing we know: We'll be chili steppin' 'til the bears come home. In Dr. Colleen Cassidy St. Clair we trust.Pairings: socioeconomic distancing; parking lot game; milkgator

Soooo things have moved quickly since our last episode... including Josh! He's bouncing back to an empty apartment in Boston next week, and as his business partners and fractional-brothers, Mike and Tapan are here to help him generate entertaining analog content with a no-masturbation-allowed brainstorming session. Ideas include: losing his sanity in the midst of writing and rehearsing a one-act play to perform for himself... and himself; bunnies, in shadow; and growing a forehead poof.Pairings: a karma daddy; sensitive ears; the trifles of the bourgeoisie

Just in time for the global pandemic, we here at Instead Of HQ are bringing you the exclusive, 100% true tips and tricks you need to crush your self-quarantine, including: how and why to hamster your home, exactly where to slather the peanut butter, and how to make the hottest new fashion accessory of the (flu) season. Later on, we celebrate Tapan's legendary impressionism, Mike relives his salad days growing salad, and Josh harnesses the remarkable healing fluids of flaccid aloe.Pairings: Pso-Bye-Assist!™; building consensus; the good eighth

Hey everybody, Josh went to Costa Rica and had a great time and now he's back, so guess what we're gonna talk about? Join us this week for a grueling slideshow of the 1,100 pictures Josh took in Costa Rica, followed by a retrospective on the tour guides Josh met and befriended in Costa Rica, concluding with Josh's field guide to tipping etiquette in Costa Rica. Just kidding; you won't begrudge Josh one second of pure vida airtime because he actually talks about dope shit like resplendent quetzals and flaming bananas. You're gonna love it. Later on, we stumble into topics such as: the many hair loss benefits of wearing a swim cap at all times, the relative merits of Dragonball Z boulder baseball, and Atlantis II vis a vis Cairo II, of all places.Pairings: a solid listener:friend ratio; the original banana miser; Yamcha’s approval

Some of us here at Instead Of HQ have a thing for chairs. Everybody's got a thing, right? Some folks just happen to have a thing for chairs, and that's fine. That is, until an innocent fascination with chairs becomes a lifestyle. An obsession. An Adiron-diction. Join Tapan this week as he ventures into the home of a chair-based criminal mastermind. Join Mike as he forays into the family of a very responsible driver. Join Josh as he greases a sloth jockey at a very corrupt zoo. Three stories. Two hosts. One clairvoyant lion.Pairings: Anti-American sentiments; terminal kindness; zoora vida

If you’ve ever planned a party, you know that without thoughtfully executed ice breakers, your guests are entirely on their own to form their factions and, through diplomatic channels, strike that perfect party balance between anarchy and fascism. Lucky for everyone at your next get together, Two Pants Tapan, Mirrored Mike, and Jumpsuit Josh are back with an all-new Certified Rager Total Party Solution™. This time we’re offering an exclusive one-week only Ice Breakers Crash Course, in which you’ll learn the party boys’ tips and tricks to freeze awkward encounters in their tracks, including: what to look for in electing your faction’s Super Delegate, the ins and outs of ice picking, and how cold it has to be to keep from melting. In other news, Josh handles the nuts (and bolts), Tapan hoes down at Kid Rock’s Drunk Pit, and Mike makes friends in some very woah places.Pairings: Bass Nectar Fishing Lures; totally ethical glue; tears for cheers

When it comes to limits, Tapan and Bradley Cooper agree that the fewer, the sexier. Take it from them: the less inhibited your brain is by the artificial constructs that've been holding you back all this time, the more free you'll be to finally tattoo the really big muscles you've always wanted straight on to your whole body. In this one, your hosts consider real hypotheticals for once, resulting in: Josh negging both of his favorite cookies in one episode, Tapan putting an elephant in the room, and Mike Görping his way to spotless personal crannies.Pairings: a sentient dirt vibrator; a hot stache; vacuum/basketball brand synergy

Hitting theaters this fall, from Instead Of Studios, it's THREE HUSBANDS, ONE WIFE! What happens when three recently widowed brother husbands hit the Vegas strip to wager the last will and testament of Princess Diana on a Pringles eating competition? Why, just a rip-roaring romp through the wild and wacky world of basic probability is all! You'll watch Josh as he doubles down on cream. You'll see Mike eat vitamins with his butt (for potency). You'll gasp in awe as Tapan conducts marriage counseling... from inside the marriage. Also there's a skateboarding dog!Pairings: a patient bookie; Poochie vibes; 30 minutes or more

When two highly-trained, ruthless Greek warriors come to blows in the heat of battle, each single-minded in his purpose, muscles rippling beneath their sun-kissed, sweat-drenched skin—that's the kind of human perfection you just have to paint. When Mike strips his singlet off and flails around on top of Josh like a desperate fish gasping for water—that's the kind of human perfection you'd... rather listen to. In this one, we hold the world's most naked high school wrestling meet, Josh throws shade at a tint grifter, Tapan can't enjoy kids anymore, and Mike has a real hard time not poisoning dogs.Pairings: a vet on standby; wrestling earmuffs; Epcot Shmepcot

Hiding in the nooks and crannies of this episode, should you possess the insight to perceive them, are a curious collection of clues that will lead you inexorably down a path which you do not want to follow, but which you, nevertheless, cannot, despite your better judgment, resist. Naptown. Fargo. Spokane. Raw melons. Cosmic crisp. Blood in the ice cream. The single dead bee. How does it all connect? Who knows; in the rest of the episode, Mike and Tapan put their melons together to learn about melon sex, Josh has suspiciously strong opinions about apples, and it all comes together in Teutopolis.Pairings: the Cutermelon™; devilishly clear skin; colony collapse

You know how when you’re in a relationship, you let minor aggravations pile up and pile up and you don’t say anything and you try not to think about it and you keep watching, silent, as that pile grows and grows until, one day, the weight of all those old, unspoken resentments is just too much and you try to use your words, you really try, but when you go looking you can’t seem to find them and before you know it you’re dropping mound after mound of self-righteous turd under your life partner’s couch? Doesn’t that feel so good? This week, Tapan channels Esther Purr-el to solve Mike’s soiling issues, Josh is the Danny Ocean of Marcona almonds, and we scoop Goop to go wick to wick with Gwyneth.Pairings: Girl, Interrupted; a penis melting fetish; MC DKG

Lots of podcasts out there talk a big game about loving their listeners, but how many of them are in love with their listeners? Here at Instead Of, we love you deeply, which is why all 250 of you should consider this your formal invitation. To what, you ask? Why, have you ever wanted to hit another person with no consequences? Have you ever wanted to soar, bird-like, through the rafters of a high school gym? Have you ever heard late 2000s dubstep? Experience these three entertainment options, along with two other options, at the first annual Tapan and Mike’s January 10th Rockin’ Eve, where you get cash and we don’t have lawyers. Also in this one, Tapan‘s birthday celebrations swell to a newly legal high, while Mike and Josh’s birthdays plummet, at terminal velocity, into the gutter.Pairings: smell-O-vision; a rebound Frosty; human hair, for accuracy

Hey friend, you look tired. Take this pamphlet and come on down to Tapan’s Sleep Farm, where everything’s 100% above board. You know that big old abandoned warehouse down by the highway? Now it’s Tapan’s Sleep Farm, a totally normal warehouse full of beds where there’s never been a mass suicide. Here at Tapan’s Sleep Farm, our chloroform is medical grade and all our clients rave about how normal our business is. Tapan’s Sleep Farm: Like Tea, but for Sleep. Later on, Josh platformsplains Crash Bandicoot, Tapan sucks the soul out of the sink, and the boys relive their halcyon days in a Seattle we thought we knew.Pairings: some fizzy gunk to sit in; the embrace of a single pinky; a persistent Q

Chanel. Dior. Versace. Harrison. Coming this fall from the legendary house that brought you that moon boot trend like 20 years ago, a sexy new line of charcoal chinos so forbidden you'll have to finish yourself off in the corner of the dressing room... and you haven't even tried them on yet. Harrison Chinos: Be Bad, Too™. Anyway, in this one your hosts take you on a tour of the world’s shared culinary heritage at our new themed restaurant (start salivating, Ricky Ricardo fans!), Mike commits tiny genocide with a big new weapon, and Tapan, the largest boy we know, finally gets his Oz on.Pairings: benevolent narcissism; disposable children; $300 and the open road

Have you ever woken up from a nap with lasagna on your shirt and when you look out the window you see a bunch of chill-looking attractive people across the street hanging out and having a great time? With Tapan, Mike, and Josh's Certified Rager Total Party Solution™, you don't *need* to be invited. As cool guys ourselves, we combined all the sickest elements of the dopest ragers we've ever been to in our proprietary CRPTS Party Matrix™—from multicolored waves of pulsing light to free mushrooms. The result is a perfect party, every time. With Certified Rager™, don't watch your next party... *be* your next party. Other stuff covered in this one: Josh's impudent imprudence draws the ire of a prudent merchant, Mike sweats wrong, Tapan Kazoogles in the key of flavor, and we all ride off into the Atacama sunset, never to return.Pairings: a ripe, juicy new passport; boogers, as ever; the latest noise from DJ Also There

We'll be Frank: Like our TV forefathers of old, this week we find ourselves performing several feats of mid-December strength. But far be it from us to impose our godless Festivusian ideals on your non-specific holiday cheer; we're just here to save folks from car fires we started and dunk on conventional unicycles. Later on, Josh puts the AY! AY! in YEA/NAY, Tapan makes an innovative-ass business plan, and Mike introduces our most attractive new character in years.Pairings: cool cops who smoke; a panic lever; balsa vibes

Well, folks, it might finally be time to pack the ol' podcast in. Call 'er quits. Drop the bologna curtain, as they say. Now, before you start seeing red, hear us out—we pull quite a Fonzie this week, and not in the cute-older-Henry-Winkler-renaissance-we're-all-enjoying sense. We jump over so many god damn sharks in this one, you won't believe your perfect robotic eyes. Later on, Tapan's the hippest hemp-cat this side of the street, Josh throws it back to the Matthau era, and Mike pilots his metacopter to new heights.Pairings: pencil thin eyebrows; porous borders; hands for hands

Everybody knows how into wedding planning we are on this show. We talk about it *all the time*. If you, Dear Listener, have the great fortune of being invited to one of our many future weddings, you already know that you're in for some very small bears and some very large monkeys. But what happens next? After our dream weddings, what will we possibly have to look forward to? Well, folks, this week our biggest day is finally here. Our families dressed up, all our friends flew in special, and everyone's gathered here today to remember the lives we mostly spent on autopilot, not really thinking about anything. That's right—this week on Instead Of, we die. Sadly, Tapam, Mike, and Josh have gone to the great water polo court in the sky. But, listen, if everyone could just save the crying for the Vat of Tears on your way out, we'd like to spend most of the episode on: Josh making "friends" on "Discord," Mike getting all Sully with his commute, and Tapan establishing a totally chill MO.Pairings: Glombar Harrison, MD; eternal recurrence; that new Target in Ballard