Unapologetic Parenting

When we deal with high-conflict and disordered coparents, it is vitally important to document certain things and collect data.  In this episode, I discuss the importance of tracking data to establish patterns for the purpose of not only clarifying those patterns, but to be able to use those patterns as permission to forgive yourself and believe in your own sanity.

We do not teach out kids about narcissism, borderline, and other disorders because of their other parent.  We teach them about high-conflict individuals and about the importance of standards and boundaries because those lessons are crucial to a good life.  Whether the other parent is high-conflict or narcissistic or not, it is important to teach our kids about how to handle themselves in a real world that is populated by significant numbers of problematic people.

We begin with the principle (the fact) that the narcissist's words and actions are caused by their disorder...not by you.  Their words and actions are disordered, not personal.From there, we focus our attention on the things we love and the things we are creating.  We avoid mantras and affirmations that refer back to the narcissist because such affirmation work to produce more of the same. Instead, we direct ourselves to the things we love about ourselves, our kids, our home, our lives, and the things we are excited about creating.

Child exchanges can be uncomfortable and tense...been there! This episode discusses several potential remedies and rules of thumb for conducting child exchanges with a high-conflict or disordered coparent.

Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple.  They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions.  The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes.When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in your life.  The narcissist seeks to divert your attention away from you own life so they can have your attention for themselves.  Don't give it to them. 

Narcissistic coparents, as well as Borderlines and other similarly disordered individuals, have a nasty habit of making up lies, fictitious events, and false allegations. Those of us who have dealt with such people know that there is no end to what they will cook up and pretend to be real.This episode focuses in on getting very clear on the facts, clear on your own character, and discusses the importance of being impeccable with your word.  Once those spaces have been managed, anything that they narcissist can throw at you has been tended by your self-awareness and character. 

Can we get the court to see the Narcissistic coparent for who they truly are? Most likely not, especially since the Family Court System is 1) not equipped to handle mental health matters 2) is predominantly trauma-uninformed and 3) financially incentivized to not see such things clearly.That said, there are still powerful strategies for protecting yourself if you end up back in the court system.

ou are not defined by your divorce experience. Your value as a parent is not determined by a custody schedule. What your ex says and does is not a reflection of your worth.Shared custody does not make you a part time parent or less of a parent. Having a high-conflict ex does not indicate any lack of worth in yourself. Their behaviors often reflect their disorders and not anything personal about you.Your divorce story is not the narrative of your life. At most, it is a few scenes in a chapter and nothing more.These people and situations do not define who you are. You do.

We are generally well aware of what overt narcissists look like, but narcissism can manifest in different ways, including the covert or vulnerable narcissist.  This episode touches on the traits of the covert narcissist, and then discusses what to do when it becomes clear that you are dealing with this type of narcissistic person.

When The Kids Are Failing School At The Other HouseOften times when we step in to bail the other parent out, we are enabling them to continue failing as parents. We think we are helping the kids, and perhaps they do benefit in the short-run in some way, but in the big picture we are usually playing into codependency dynamics.This is a game that currently gets played out with the kids' schooling, especially when they are learning remotely. One household lets them fail and the other gets pulled in to bail them out. The home that lets them fail offloads all accountability onto the kids and onto you to rescue. When dealing with a narcissistic ex, they create a situation where you seem to have to choose between engaging the narcissist and letting the kids fail. It is one of the classic games they play.We know that bailing the other parent out is part of the narcissistic game that keeps us feeding attention to the other parent. They fail and struggle to draw us in and to offload responsibility onto us. We rescue and compensate for their lack of engagement with the kids and get baited into needless contact with them.But we're not doing anyone any favors. Yes, of course we always have a responsibility to make sure the kids do well academically. Academic success is a core responsibility we always carry as parents. The way we can help our kids in this seemingly no-win situation is to introduce logical consequences when they don't show up for themselves to take initiative in their own education. In other words, we have to train them in the skill of showing up for themselves and performing self-sufficiently, which may require us to be the disciplinarian.We take on this role because we do not want the kids to develop the habit of hiding behind the narcissistic parent's neglect that enables the kids to be lazy and undeveloped...#coparenting #coparentingdoneright #codependentnomore #coparentingwithanarcissist #coparentingwithatoxicex #blendedfamily #blendedfamilyproblems #divorcedmom #divorceddad #divorcedparents #divorcedmoms #parallelparenting #unapologeticparenting #narcissisticmother #narcissisticfather #toxicrelationships #toxicfamily #stepparenting

If you haven't discovered it already, many people seem to have a near limitless capacity to make stuff up and lie, especially in the divorce and coparenting context.  This episode digs into these behavioral patterns and discusses strategies to protect yourself for the crazy when it comes.  And it will come.We should never under-estimate an ex's capacity to completely fabricate conversations and events, especially when any Cluster B personality disorder traits are involved.  Don't be caught off guard.  So many times clients have thought their exes would never do such things, and then they find themselves defending against false accusations, forged documents, and spending tens of thousands of dollars to fend off craziness.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend parents who literally do not show up for their kids...especially when that absentee or negligent parent is the other parent of your own child.Many times the child neglect is part of an attention seeking game played out by a narcissistic parent.  The game is designed to keep you enmeshed in contact and enabling.This episode discusses those situations where the other parent sucks at being a parent, what often lurks behind such behaviors, and what we can do for ourselves and our children when this occurs. 

For those of us who have gone through the divorce process, we often figure out fairly quickly that there are more adversaries than just the ex.  We are up against the ex as well as their divorce lawyer, who has a vested interest in stirring up as much conflict as possible.  We often have our own divorce lawyer who is aligned with us on one hand but against us on another.  Many people end up misused, exploited, and dropped by their own lawyers.Then add to the mix the court system itself, possibly biased judges, therapists, ad litem attorneys, and you quickly find yourself fighting battles on multiple fronts.

In this episode I tell my story of how I messed up on my own rules and ended up assaulted, which resulted in me having a permanent neck injury.  When it is time to move out...get out, stay out, stay safe.  If you must go back to the house for any reason, do so in a way that provides for accountability and protection. 

Narcissistic parents often work to create situations where you are forced to choose between two unsavory choices. They don't want you to have you time. They don't want you to have a good time. So they create situations that feed them attention while simulteneously diminishing your experience with the kids.And when you choose to take the higher path that actually serves the kids...they use that against you, too...#coparenting #coparentingdoneright #coparentingwithanarcissist #coparentingwithatoxicex #parallelparenting #narcissist #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticmother #narcissisticfather #toxicfamily #toxicrelationships #toxicpeople #divorcedmom #divorceddad #divorcerecovery #stepparents #healthyboundaries #blendedfamily #narcissisticabusesurvivor #divorcecoach #unapologeticparenting

It is okay to teach your kids that they can keep or drop any family traits and practices that they want. There are family habits and values that lead to great life, and there are family habits and traits that may lead the kids away from the type of life they want to create.We try to have frequent conversations with the kids about the types of life experiences they want to have both now and in the future and then have them check in with which traits, behaviors, and values lead them closer to those experiences and which lead them away.We couple this with a message that anything and everything they see in the adults and parents around them is it open to critical thought. Not everything we do as parents will serve them as they move into adulthood. Not all of our examples will be good for them.Ultimately, they are free to decide what they want to keep and what they want to add to. They are always free to decide what they want to drop and what they want to replace with practices of their own.There are no sacred cows. There are no ways of being that they must keep simply because they saw it in a family member. Everything is open to scrutiny. When we give kids the tools and options to weigh the ways they want to be in life and the freedom to choose or reject any parental traits, they are strengthened in becoming their own unique people.

When we apply Murphy's Law to a narcissistic ex, we find that anything they can possibly jack with they will jack with. If there is a situation that they can make more difficult in order to gain attention, then they will. If there is an obvious decision that they can draw out and complicate, then they will to get their fix.We see this constantly. One time the narcissistic ex wants one thing when it is clearly inconvenient and impossible and then when the same thing is offered to them at a workable time, they don't want it anymore. If there is an obvious decision that would benefit the kids, the narcissist ex finds some way to turn it into a circus with them in the center.The narcissist's game is to make everyone wait on them. Everyone has to wait for them to reach their big decision and announce it to the world. They need to make sure everyone is watching. No one else can plan anything until the narcissist is ready, and then if they have a chance to reverse course and screw it all up, they will!If there is a sensible way to do things and a drama-producing way to do things, the narcissist will pick the path of greatest drama. If there's a way to create delay and confusion, then that's what the narcissist will unfailingly do.Of course, the flipside is when the narcissist makes unreasonable and inconvenient demands, then they want an answer immediately. They will throw a fit if they don't get a clear answer right now and they will set ultimatums to harass and keep the attention on themselves. They will set deadlines and threaten litigation if you do not provide an immediate response to their nonsense. Typically, when you do provide a response, they will find a way to cause problems with that as well.If there is something a narcissist can get attention from, they will get attention from doing it. And if they can get attention from doing the opposite, they will get attention from that, too. If doing the sensible thing does not give them attention, they will avoid it like the plague.

We all make mistakes, and we all occasionally make mistakes that hurt other people. When we own those mistakes and offer genuine apologies, we can work to soothe hurt feelings, heal relationships, and rebuild trust.Narcissists rarely, if ever, offer authentic apologies. Building trust and respecting others' feelings does not matter to a narcissist, even with their own kids. Narcissists are focused on preserving their own image, avoiding accountability, and avoiding discomfort, even when they cause pain to others.Typically, if a narcissist offers a form of apology, it is generally phrased in a way to mislead, confuse, defer blame, invalidate, and minimize. Narcissistic apologies are not genuine and often leave the recipient feeling even worse.My daughter and I recently had a great conversation about real and fake apologies. Apologies that begin with “I'm sorry if” and “I'm sorry but” are usually inauthentic. She added that “I'm sorry that you” apologies were also probably fake because they were more like blaming.Other narcissist favorites are “I'm sorry that I may have done” and “I'm sorry for whatever you think.” They also tend to use statements like “I probably shouldn't have” and “maybe I should have.” Narcissists will turn apologies into deals with “I'll apologize if you...” and then all you get is a fake apology.Narcissistic parents will talk to their kids like “You seem very upset. I'm sorry that you feel hurt”...which are fake apologies and are part of a narcissist's getting off on the pain they caused. With kids, narcissists get to cause the hurt, pretend to support the hurt, and then defer blame to the kid for feeling hurt, and never apologize. Classic narcissist parenting.We can help our kids deal with a narcissistic parent by teaching them to clearly see the differences between real and fake apologies. It's a good lesson for everyone to learn, regardless, but teaching our kids to be aware of real and fake apologies helps them increase their critical awareness and helps them see the games. If they can see the games, they can then learn to disengage and depersonalize, which increases their chances of healthy freedom from the narcissist.

Extreme accusations that come in the absence of authentic evidence are often self-accusatory projections. For example, when an ex makes accusations of “abuse” in the absence of actual evidence of abuse, then the accusation often indicates that the accuser is “splitting.” The accuser has split the other person into all-bad and is viewing his or her behavior through that distorted lens.Or for another example, if the ex accuses you of being a narcissist without any real evidence to support the extreme label, then that too often indicates splitting and is often a self-accusation.Narcissistic exes are very fond of accusing others of the very things they are culpable of. Narcissistic exes often accuse the other parent of alienation when they themselves are engaged in alienation attempts. They fabricate evidence and mistreat the children to cause estrangement to support their accusations of alienation.When the accusations come, step back and assess. Does the ex accuse others of being narcissists (i.e. their dad is a narc, your new spouse's dad is a narc, you are a narc, and several other of their family members are narcs)? To them, are narcs hiding behind every tree? Are they obsessed with trendy-trendy narcissist advice as part of their quest for “proof” that you are a narc? Do they tell others in the family and community that you are a narc and then make up stories about you?If your ex seems to be splitting and lying when accusing you, and especially if there is a larger pattern of them doing similar things to others in their lives, then they are most likely projecting their own narcissistic traits onto you. Projection is one of the main mental defenses narcissists use to reject their own feelings of self-inadequacy.When you see this splitting and projection game in action, it should be a clear sign to disengage. For the purposes of setting boundaries, that should be all the reason and evidence you need. Chances are, you already know that the ex is in capable of taking accountability for their actions or genuinely apologizing to those they have wronged. If you do not already have firm boundaries in place to limit communication with the ex, it is time.

When we tell our kids that a divorce is occurring, they do not need to know the adult details behind the decision. When parents overshare details in the name of “truth” and “vulnerability,” they are often speaking from spite and trying to create a loyalty bind (the feeling that the child is not allowed to love both parents).I discuss these ideas in the video about talking to your kids about divorce.Even after the dust has settled and the divorce is final, the kids don't need to know the details that drove the decisions. We should give them solid reasons to explain why the divorce happened...but we should do so in terms of the larger values that drove the choice...such as “we want different things in life and this choice allows us to pursue those things” or “sometimes marriages don't work out for many reasons, and that's okay.” It is okay to say “we're not happy together and this choice allows things to be better.” Speak to the larger values, not the details.Any message should be about reassuring the kids that the divorce decision was not their fault and should reinforce to them that they are supported and secure. Speaking reassurance and support to the kids is far more important than a parent speaking his or her “truth” to them.

It is good for kids to be able to express their emotions...and most kids seem to have no difficulty doing so at all. The difficulty is usually training kids to be centered and rational.What we see in popular media and trendy-trendy parenting advice is an over emphasis on emotional expression with almost nothing to balance it in terms of manners, boundaries, self-discipline, and rationality.Kids do not need to have unchecked emotional expression in order to be healthy. They do not need to have standardless fits in order to be well-adjusted.A lot of trendy-trendy advice seems to verge on emotional obsession. Parents are essentially encouraged to be emotional helicopters. Corners of the home are dedicated to feelings posters and stacks of comfort materials. Education, critical thinking skills and manners go to the wayside. Encouraging self-control is apparently taboo. The irony is that most trendy-trendy advice ends up creating little emotional monsters.Kids can learn from early on to view and control their emotions in much healthier ways. Children are resilient and often far more self-aware and capable than we give them credit for.Example is key. From the beginning, we can model solid emotional life for them. We can show them that emotions can be experienced while not consuming us. We can show them that we always possess control over our behavior and that we can be respectful no matter what we feel. We can show them how to be rational and centered through anything. From there, we can set rules and standards for their conduct that line up with our example.When our children get older, we can expose them to a wide variety of literature and experiences to give substance and context to their emotional lives.Again, it is good to encourage emotional expression, but we should not be obsessed with it. We should also make sure kids are taught rationality, boundaries, critical thinking, and expose them to a wide variety of education and experience.

We have an option to see divorce as a tragedy or an opportunity. We can choose to view the divorce process as a chance for growth and development or as a set-back from which we will not recover for a long time, if ever.When child-custody is set and part of our reality moving forward, we have the choice to view the time we have available to us as an opportunity to grow in as many ways as possible or not. Media representations and social narratives tell us that divorce has to be a time of suffering and prolonged grief. Granted, there are often very difficult and challenging parts of most divorce processes involving child custody issues, but we still have a choice about how we view the entire process and what comes after.  The fact is, we grieve anything as long as we believe we should. At some level, we decide how long we need to grieve any loss, and when we reach that time, we move on.  With divorce, we can decide to view the path ahead as opportunity and set a cutoff for grief.  We can choose to grow, develop ourselves, hone our skills, advance our careers, get clear on our vision, travel, and heal.

I firmly believe that there is no reason for a stepmom and a biomom to be having direct conflict with one another. I also am of the opinion that in most cases direct communication between a biomom and stepmom is completely unnecessary.Maybe I am biased in my view, but to me the root issue behind direct stepmom and biomom conflict is a man (biodad) who is not fulfilling his role in the situation.Here's what I mean—dad is ultimately responsible for the kids. The one who is ultimately accountable for what happens to and with and for the kids at dad's home is dad.His kids are his responsibility. Stepmom is dad's first priority. When there is direct conflict between a stepmom and a biomom, it is typically because biodad is improperly delegating (or avoiding) his responsibility and not prioritizing his wife and their relationship.Dad is responsible for his kids. It is his role and responsibility to care for them as their primary caretaker in his home and to do the work necessary to parent them. Period. When there is direct conflict between the biomom and stepmom, it is often because dad is avoiding his responsibilities to communicate and coordinate matters for the kids.His wife and their relationship is his first priority...not second or less to the kids. First priority. Period. When biodad allows mistreatment and harassment to occur toward his wife, he is not prioritizing who and what matters. His role is to set boundaries with his own ex and to deescalate matters for his wife. If his ex is causing his wife problems, then it is his job to put an end to it.If he is allowing his wife to torment his ex, then he and his wife are probably bonding over his ex in a dysfunctional way (making her the object of their connection)...which prioritizes his ex in the relationship. Worse still is a man who allows the conflict because he enjoys women fighting over him.Any way you look at it, when direct stepmom vs biomom conflict exists, there is a man not doing his job. There is absolutely no need for such conflict. If dad is accountable for his responsibilities and prioritizing his wife, then harassment and conflict and argumentation should not occur.

There is usually no need or good reason to talk to your ex during and after the divorce process. A good rule is to cut out phone and in-person conversations completely.Verbal conversations with exes typically devolve into verbal abuse. Verbal conversations also expose us to manipulation and having false claims brought against us.  Exes will deny the awful things they say and claim that we said things we never said. The best way to avoid these problems is to not have verbal conversations in the first place.Shutting down verbal communication is often a major step toward moving on and healing after a divorce.  When we continue talking to a problematic ex, we often continue playing out the negative patterns that brought about the divorce in the first place.A good solution is to require all communications to be in writing, especially through email or the use of a coparenting app. Text messages can and should be avoided because there is no reason for an ex's toxic notes to be appearing in your text messages where you are also communicated with other family members, friends, support networks, and new relations. 

Double binds are the classic punished if you do and punished if you don't situations. If you respond to your ex's nonsense, then you are compromising yourself and exposing yourself to further mistreatment.  If you do not respond, then there is the threat that they will use you unresponsiveness as evidence that you are a bad parent. If you call out the game, then you are labeled as high conflict. Almost every way you looks at it, it seems like you will be punished.This episode discusses the Double Bind situation as a hallmark behavior of abusers...one they use to gain power and control and to wear the victim down into a state of submission or helplessness. This episode then moves into strategies to get out of the Double Bind, starting with the observation that if you are going to be punished no matter what you do, you might as well clearly define what you truly want and move toward that.

Don't argue with someone who has decided that they are never wrong and you are never right.When exes disagree with us, it is often part of the power that existed during the marriage, through the divorce, and into the present. They are set on winning by always being right and making us always wrong. They refuse to concede.Constant disagreement is also a way to bait us into giving them attention. They then use that attention to further provoke and disrupt us.They use disagreement to make sure we're thinking about them, thinking about how to respond to them, how to beat them, constantly.Exes with narcissistic traits often disagree for the sake of disagreeing...to provoke, to punish, to get attention, to work to wear us down.The best remedy is to choose to disengage. Choose to stop arguing. Unless the issue involves something major like a surgery for the child or other matter that requires mutual consent, there is no point to discussing or arguing over any disagreement.Let them do their thing and leave it at that. Let them be wrong. Let them believe you are wrong and let them feel right...alone.Our peace of mind is far more important than trying to prove a point to someone who is committed to never agreeing. They may not even be mentally capable of seeing outside of themselves. Arguing with such people accomplished nothing except harming ourselves.

Parallel parenting is a plan with clear rules and clear boundaries. To parallel parent is to stay out of your ex's house (literally and figuratively) and vice versa. Parallel parenting is based on personal accountability and acknowledges the reality of conflict and divorce.Trendy coparenting is a philosophy of “shoulds.” Coparents should have free and open and friendly communication. Everyone should get along. Coparenting should work if you love your kids enough and focus on the kids enough. Coparenting is how parents should act regardless of all other factors beside the kids. The list goes on.Choosing parallel parenting is the decision to stop “shoulding” on ourselves. It is the choice to let go of the idealistic, happy-happy shoulds and focus on reality and autonomy.Choosing to parallel parent is not a sign of failure. It is not a sign of giving up or opting to be a lesser parent. Parallel parenting is an actual plan with boundaries and rules. Choosing parallel parenting is to recognize that trendy coparenting is an unworkable and undesirable philosophy for most...and it is the decision to clearly define and enforce personal rules and boundaries and to allow each parent the freedom to live their own life.

When we see our exex' negative traits showing up in the kids, it is a call for us to step up and model the behaviors we want the kids to embody.This is also true when we see our own past or present undesirable traits taking root in the kids. Or when we see negative traits that remind us of our parents or grandparents.The best way to influence kids' behavior is through consistent modeling of the desired behavior. Shaming them that they are like so-and-so and cracking down on the behavior is unlikely to work well if there is no modeling of the better behaviors.It's always worth repeating...kids learn from our example far more than from our words. The traits we model for them influence the traits that take root in them.When the kids have negative behavior examples in their lives, it is vital for us as parents to embody the far better ways of being. If we want them to develop better traits, we need to consistently show up as examples of those better traits.When we see the ex's negative ways taking hold, we are called to live the example of what better things we want to see in the kids. There is again no need to shame the kids for being influenced. Instead, we choose to show them a consistent and impeccable example and let the influence do its work.

Nothing empowers us more against gaslighting and manipulation than a firm grasp of the facts. If we want to become highly resistant or impervious to gaslighting and other high-conflict games, we need to be dedicated to facts, evidence, and rational thinking.Lots of online advice encourages you to keep “feelings journals” and to tell yourself affirmations about “knowing your truth.” Far better is keeping an accurate and consistent fact journal and letting the data affirm your knowledge of the truth.Write down quick summaries of key things that are said each day. Write down bullet points of events and behaviors. Keep the entries strictly factual and brief. To go up against gaslighting and manipulation you need to approach it like a scientist... facts, facts, facts.The ONLY way to successfully see the gaslight games is to diligently track data and to stick to only the facts. I also found recording very helpful...to counteract the self-doubt of accuracy between when something was said and when it was written down. The solution is to quietly drop a small recorder in your pocket and flip it on at data collecting times. Then listen to it later and write down exactly what was said on key points and nothing more.Once you see the patterns and distortions it will feel like stepping out of a cave into the sun. Truth sets free...not the woo-woo trendy self affirmed “my truth”...but actual facts that can be set next to distortions and tracked over time.When you see a pervasive pattern of distortions, you can start to distance yourself and start working to get away from the situation. You can also start healing yourself through seeing that you are not losing your mind.

There is a lot of misinformation out there on the topic of parental alienation...not only concerning what it is but also what to do if you think legitimate alienation is in play. Many of the online definitions are incorrect and confuse alienation with estrangement. Many describe normal child-preference behaviors and incorrectly label them alienation.Alienation is not the same thing as estrangement. Alienation is not simply when a child likes one parent less than the other. Being behind in the "popularity contest" does not mean the other parent is an alienator. A child acting more like one parent than the other is not a sign of alienation. The list of wrong advice circulating the interwebs goes on and on.A lot of the trendy advice on how to deal with alienation often makes the situation worse. The trendy sources 1) paint an unrealistic and overbroad horror-story picture of alienation to draw people in and then 2) propose clingy and frantic behaviors for the "target" parent that can actually lead to estrangement. The more people do the clingy and frantic behaviors and drive the kids away, the more they believe alienation is really taking place, and the situation spirals.In almost every legitimate parental alienation case, the alienating parent has a Cluster B personality disorder...yet this dynamic is rarely addressed and treated. This video focuses in on the Cluster B issue as the foundation of legitimate alienation cases.