Unclassical

We'rrreeeeee back! Guys, we're buzzing to get back to recording us cackling for you to hear in your ears! As you know, it's been nuts, so what better way to start a new chapter (hehe - pun!) than diving into an Orwellian nightmare - but don't tell Katy! She's still hoping for a wholesome cottagecore tale... let's see how long that lasts!

:( it's our last episode with little Sarah! Will Sarah remain a servant at Miss Minchin's school forever? Will Ramdas carry on staring through her window? Will Becky finally be recognised as a vulnerable child? And most importantly, is Sarah's attic on the left or right? We'll be having a short break while we work on the next season, but also we have a new project up our sleeves... more on that soon!

This week - how about we set fire to it all? Set fire to your enemies houses? Set fire to the schools? Burn the lot! (Can you tell Marsha is a little antsy this week?) And! We cool with grown men sneaking into little girl's rooms? Why does Santa get a free pass? No. Doesn't sit well with us at ALL! But most importantly, the fact we must put ahead of everything else -Sarah, was hungry.

Sorry it's late - but here it is! Part 3 of A Little Princess! Find out how servant life is treating Sarah, why are we all Oliver Twist? And does the new revelation about Sarah's dad really bum you out? TW: Turns out Becky and Lottie are hella racist, I wouldn't have predicted it from those characters, but there you are.

So if you didn't complete last week's homework of watching the 1995 film version of A Little Princess - what are you doing here? Shoo, shoo! Go watch it! We're back with Sarah and her whimsical fancies and it's party time! Sarah is turning 11 years old (does that mean she hasn't seen her dad for 4 years? Savage), all the girls are excited for what is going to be the birthday party of the century, but some news awaits Sarah that she hasn't bargained for...

We'rrrrrreeeeee back!! And what a book to kick off 2023 with! Get ready from some 18th century 90s vibes - you read that right! We're reading A Little Princess! We're hoping you've seen the 1995 film (if not, go do your assigned homework of watching that now) and come along on this enchanting (sometimes disturbing) adventure. Meet Sarah, dear Papa and the Minchin sisters as Sarah starts at her new school in London after leaving her beloved home in India because... well there isn't really a reason, just coz!

Here it is! The final part of Nutcracker is here just in time for Christmas, so cosy up by the fireside, dim those Christmas lights and listen to the tale of a grown nutcracker grooming a child by showing her a lot of sweeties. Nutcracker? More like cradle snatcher. Cradle Snatcher Nutcracker.

Want to hear more inappropriate rhymes? Well you came to the right place! Why does everyone speak in rhyme? Also, you can find out why you should never ask an Astronomer for directions. Why do old books have so much beef about green eyes? And how many breaks is too many breaks in a bedtime story? Further, there is an important message in here about catching up with family (they might have something you need) but not if they're toxic and bad for your mental health, take care of yourselves out there and don't spread yourselves too thinly just because it's Christmas. xx

I'm not even going to address the title of this episode, you'll just have to listen and be horrified like we were. I will ask though, if anyone else's mums cut corners off tables? Just us? Probably just us. And also, MERRY CHRISTMAS! Come join us for some fantastic festive vibes, and very lax safeguarding of minors!

The final part of Dracula is here! Will the boys get their act together and forget about bloody breakfast, or will Dracula out wit them yet again? What will become of dear Mina? And we meet the new characters of Bowie and Kukri, what mischief will befall them?

Lots of fun this week, who wants to hear more about Cladinbac? Dracula's Scottish cousin, and who would like to invest in The Boys - The Board-game, and oh yeah, Mina doesn't look great and Dracula gets real cranky!

What a roller-coaster! We pick up where we left of, looking at the general audacity of men, but things are kicking off in the asylum, and maybe there's more to this bro eating flies. That is straight up grim though, don't eat flies, of course people will judge you if you eat flies, come on man...

TW! Massive trigger warning for suicide this week. If you're struggling, please reach out, and if you do listen to this episode but want to skip the suicide chat, I say skip 10 seconds, make it two minutes to be on the safe side.

This is what happens when you eat copious amounts of macaroni cheese, followed by lots of Halloween chocolate, no regrets though. Find out what a round wheat is - courtesy of Papa Bevan, get the latest hot tips on how to keep draughts and Vampires out, and learn some skills in tenderness and tact from Van Helsing as he guides Arthur through his bereavement after losing his darling fiance Lucy... but how dead is she really?

Professor Van Helsing is trying his best to make sure Lucy doesn't succumb to Dracula's dark desires, but will he succeed or is Dracula just too dastardly for this fast travelling Dutch (or German?) man?

It's part 2 of Dracula! And what a ride! Time to hear from someone else's perspective, perhaps a woman, oh wait, it's a woman written by a man, that could only be a good idea right? Get cosy and settle in to see what befalls poor Jonathan after he decides he must escape from Dracula's lair, and perhaps things at home aren't going so well either...

We are back!!!! And what a way to kick off Spooky Season! This book is fucking tense! And who would have thought it would be so easily linkable to Friends!

Join us for a very early morning edition of Unclassical and The Doctor Squee Show! This was at this years Squeefest which is always so much fun, tune in to hear us natter on about some mythical sea creatures and some complications around the myths...

Final part of Emma! And I think I hear wedding bells! Lovely vague wedding bells, and if you can bear someone's difficult moods, and general mistreatment, maybe one day, you could get married too

We had lots of fun recording this one! Scottish angst, and everyone being sassy bitches, and who knew strawberry picking could be so eventful? And please! Has anyone kicked someone in the shins? Asking for a friend...

We are back!! Thank you so much for being patient, you guys are the best! So Emma is continuing flitting between groups, but there's a lot being unsaid and who the fuck gifts a piano forte???

I feel there are a lot of introductions in this episode, but here are the main takeaways, never leave your mates alone to travel with strange men, keep an eye on Jane (seems like a wrongun) and fetch Mr Woodhouse a cozy cup of tea!

Maybe Emma isn't as good at matchmaking as she thought! But at least her dad is a hedgehog, and it's no time to be grumpy - there's a Christmas party to get to! We are aware of the irony of a Christmas theme, but Katy is fucking obsessed, take it up with her and her cottagecore pursuits.

We're back! And what a book to kick off with! The queen of gossip and manipulation is here to cause a ruckus - Emma is in the building! We're loving the gentle cottage core vibe of a quintessential Jane Austen book, and of course the sassy drama. So kick back, relax and see if you can recognise our random niche reference at the end!

Double length episode to wrap up this twisty turny murder mystery! Are you from Kent? Hope you enjoyed this season! We've loved the different characters (especially Caroline, what a fucking vibe)! Did you guess who it was? And are you ready for our next season? We'll be reading Emma! Get your matching mini skirt suits ready! It's time to pay homage to the Queen of Gossip!

Right, I mean I know we know men can be condescending arseholes, but why do they have to be so brazen about it?! Jesuis! Get your hot choc and get ready for people to talk entirely through their inflated egos, plus there seems to be something up with one of those parlourhousemaids...

Finally we got Poirot back in the story!! And it's time to do some damn detecting! But are Poirot's detective skills strange or just shit? Again, sorry for the wind noises, last time we record in a storm!

I fear Roger may not be long for this world, but the plot doth thicken! Not all is as it appears in the Ackroyd household, who might have a motive for wanting Roger out of the way? And lol, are we nuts or are 'Mitchell Butlers' the best idea ever?? And is our family trauma spin-off podcast too niche for even us? :')

We are back! And we are delving into our first Agatha Christie! Are we meant to find Poirot so adorable? Is it just us? Do you have any theories of whodunnit? No spoilers! Katy genuinely doesn't know!

The final part of Turn of the Screw! And what a turn indeed! Join us and spot all the cock metaphors you can, maybe it could be a drinking game! And who else wants to be Miles for Halloween?! Plus who knew hats were such good paranormal indicators? It's all in this week's episode! We'll be taking a two week break to prep for our next season where we'll be reading... drum roll... Agatha Christie's The Murder of Roger Ackroyd - with the infamous Hercule Poirot! Moustaches and dodgy french accents at the ready!

Just wow, the safe guarding! Serious TW for child abu$e and why is Miles suddenly becoming the voice of reason??

So. Massive trigger warning for child abu$e and s£xual abu$e. All the adults in this are scum. Henry James. Just wow. Get ready for major victim blaming. And just, well, it does indeed worse. Enjoy what you can, and scream in horror at the rest with us.

Part 2 of this convoluted and mysterious tale, and we're sorry because this is one long tangent with a creepy ending! Hats at the ready, there's serious lack of gentlemen to be found, here, in the place, the podcast, a setting, here, there, everywhere.

Wow, Henry James can meander a sentence hey? One of those situations where the show is better than the book? At least we have owls on dicks, scant toes and flaming dicks flying around space to keep us entertained!

What a journey! I feel we've traumatised Katy with this one. Sorry it's a long one but what an end to the story! What did you guys make of this one? We're gonna take a two week break while Katy preps our next ready and it's a spooOOoooky one!! Take care! And we'll be back soon!

I don't even know how to describe this episode, I feel if you don't know the story I want to leave it all as a surprise, a horrid, traumatising surprise. So enjoy!

Ok, things are unraveling on the island, the group is breaking up and Simon is just being weird. What do you think the "one syllable word" is? And have they finally found the beast? Comedy Literature Lord of the Flies William Golding Feminism Books

Oh my god, the sh1t be hitting the proverbial fan! And the sass of these kids is too much! We are loving this book, watch out for beasties and get ready to hate on Jack! Piggy for leader! Lord of Flies Comedy Literature Feminism

Welcome back! We are well and ready to traumatise our dear listeners with this harrowing tale of survival and human (hmmm, male) nature! Please be warned there's lots of fatphobia in this book and lots of kids having a terrible time, but also some "whizzo" times too, so swings and roundabouts!

Thank you for bearing with and a very belated - Happy New Year! Marsha is on the mend and we can finally find out what followed Pemberley's dramatic Christmas Day! And how this book (rather abruptly) ends! Thank you so much for all your support this year and we'll be back in a couple of weeks with our new read! xx

Happy Christmas everyone! It's Christmas time at Pemberley, we have ice skating, we have feuds and... well some snogging I think, oh my god, it's Christmas Day and I don't think anyone banged?! They're all too busy going to church! ...well, that's disappointing... sorry about that, we'll make up for it by revealing a new phrase we want to print on merch, it's a cracker (hehehehe!) Have an awesome Christmas and we'll be back on New Year's Eve!

Part 2! It's a Christmas miracle - Lizzie and Darcy at the lodge are having a wild old time! Mary and Joseph's baby is on the way, will Lizzie be able to help?! And there's romance brewing in their absence at Pemberely! These really are precendented times, no, unprecedented times, unpresidented?

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening, in the lane, Darcy's fisting! Let's get ready to welcome in the festive season with some good old Georgian smut! Expect tightening groins, problematic power dynamics and some lovely Christmas imagery! Back to Pemberley we go guys!

The second part of Franz Kafka's 'Metamorphosis', wow, a mental breakdown, a public appeal and sickening apples, the concluding part of Metamorphosis has all the emotions! We really enjoyed this surreal short story, perfect pit stop before we start getting festive! Hope you enjoy it too! Female comedians take a new look at classical literature.

This is disgusting guys. Like, so grim. There's a gross giant bug, the capitalist arseholes are out to get us and Marsha keeps farting!!! Kinda loving revisiting Kafka, the surrealism is just *chef's kiss*!

To be fair!!! I did not see this coming!! Am I slow or is Daphne one hell of a sneaky author?!?! No spoilers here! But what a story - and of course lots of problematic misogyny is in there too! We will be taking a short break before coming back with our new season, but will let you know release dates soon! Have a spooOOOooooky halloween!

Jesus, we need to get Mary out of Jamaica Inn, she's in danger and she's getting more attracted to Joss/Jem by the minute! And she just needs to get out! But at least she gets to see some lovely water colours, and what a cliffhanger for our penultimate episode!

It's Christmas Day and shit is going down! Jos, stop fucking killing people??!?!! Guys, this a rollercoaster! so much drama! Strap in, and then, please tell us, in your opinion, what is the function of a lighthouse?

Part 4 and it's time to get in the Christmas spirit early! Will it be cozy or will everything be terrible? Terrible, come on, we know, it's going to be terrible isn't it? Plus - let's give it our 5lutty tw*ts across the land some love! 5lutty Tw*ts 4 lyf!

That Joss Merlyn is not a nice man! This week we meet a new mysterious character, I wonder if he will be of help to Mary Ellen Yellen, and we find out a bit more about the dodgy dealings going on at Jamaica Inn, dun dunn dunnnnn!

Part 2 and it's getting sinister! Jos is not a good man! Who knew... and we meet some new characters! Hold tight (hehe) as this creepy and violent tail unfurls. And, what do horses drink?!