The Non-Believer Bible Club

Solomon is King of Israel and life is good, but he can't continue his reign until he fulfills his Dad's promise to build the Lord a sick new crib... (1 KGS 5:1 - 8:66)

Bow your hoar head, King David is dead. In his place, David's son Solomon begins his rule by wisely killing or exiling every shit-kicker in his Dad's cabinet that caused him trouble. After a personal meeting with God, will Solomon's Wisdom be enough to keep Israel from disaster? Bet a baby's life on it. (1 KGS 1:1 - 4:34)

In our last reading of 2 Samuel, King David deals with another rebellion, a few ghosts from the past, and smiting from his own heart. From the palace door to the threshing floor, David's conscience may be able to save Israel, even if he only realizes it 9 months and 20 days later... (2 SAM 20:1 - 24:25)

In this hefty episode, David has to confront some rising trouble within the family. Nothing serious, just incest, murder, conspiracy and civil war between his alternatively rapey and insubordinate sons Amnon and Absalom. But hey, there's also some craaazy names, like Ahiphotel! Achithophel... Aphiphotel? (2 SAM 13:1 - 19:43)

Now that he has successfully taken control over all of the land of Israel, David decides it's time to piss off God. All it takes is a single look, before the King of Israel and Judah is cooking up a half-baked conspiracy to get some guy to have sex with his wife so nobody knows that David had sex with her maybe against her will, and when THAT doesn't work because this dude is actually a really good guy... the sin really gets started. (2 SAM 7:1 - 12:31)

David is crowned King, Uzzah gets handsy (with dire consequences), and in the midst of battles, grudges, and marital strife, David realizes the time has finally come... to dance! (2 SAM 1:1 - 6:23)

After abandoning his fool's Crusade against David, Saul discovers that not even consorting with the Force Ghost of Samuel at Endor can save him from the sword... his own! Also there's a ban against wizards. 1 SAM (26:1 - 31:13)

Hunted by King Saul and his goons, David must turn to Saul's son Jonathan. They may be friends, but after a secret meeting in a field and another secret meeting in the forest, they're one kissing sesh away from becoming something even more... bros. 1 SAM (20:1 - 25:44)

Today's episode is all about one man whose playing with his hand relieves the stress of the King, and gains the favor of the King's son so much, that he strips off all his clothes to give to that man to wear. In return, he collects 200 foreskins to give to his dad. But it's not gay. 1 SAM (16:1 - 19:24)

How does God reject thee? Let Saul show you the ways. Israel's first king does a great job of not doing what God wants, not doing what might tick off the people, and not leading the people, until Samuel has to tell him what we're all thinking... (1 SAM 11:1 - 15:35)

The Ark has been stolen by those fkn' Philistines, but their victory will be short-lived; God's bringing the hemorrhoids. Meanwhile, Samuel lets God choose the choicest choice, Saul, to be King over Israel. But Samuel doesn't even want a king. And God doesn't even want a king. And where IS Saul? Better check behind the stuff. (1 SAM 5:1 - 10:27)

The First Book of Samuel introduces us to a cavalcade of corrupt characters: two priests who eat the chicken skin off the KFC, and their impotent father, the High Priest. Among these miscreants, the child Samuel is born, but before things get better, they get much, much worse... (1 SAM 1:1 - 4:22)

After a lengthy analysis of the Book of Judges, the Nonbeliever begins the not-so-lengthy Book of Ruth. (RTH 1:1 - 4:22)

As the Book of Judges comes to a close, the dynamics of power and agency come to the fore. With no one to Judge, Israel has to truly discover how to deal with inner conflict. Also, there's a lotta rape. (JDG 19:1 - 21:25)

A good Judge is hard to find in this episode, as Samson and a bunch of other fuckups have to deal with near-constant backstabbing, conspiracy, and conceit. Jesus wept, Tommy Wiseau wailed, and Thomas Aquinas pops up too. (JDG 13:1 - 18:31)

Israel has sinned again, AGAIN (again)! After years of dealing with that dick, Abimelech, their next Judge, Jephthah, may prove that Israel has a future as a nation, and that they are their own worst enemy… (JDG 9:1 - 12:15)

The next judge, Gideon, is the kind of guy that needs to be 100% sure before he does anything... so God is going to make his victory so unlikely it could only be divine providence. Enter... the dop-lappers. (JDG 6:1 - 8:35)

The Israelites hop on the seesaw of sin: failing and repenting, as God punishes them with Canaanite oppressors and liberates them with Israelite "Judges". Secret assassinations, bodily dismemberment and a musical number set the stage for Israel's retribution... and eventual damnation. (JDG 1:1 - 5:31)

After a lot of hard work killing everything that exists in the Holy Land, the people put up a rock named Ed and almost kill each other over it. It's a great start for Israel, as Joshua and Eleazar prepare to meet God in person… (JOS 20:1 - 24:33)

The Non-Believer shares his Top 3 Favorite extra-biblical Moses conspiracy theories, because things are about to get REALLY F******G BORING. With the Holy Land more or less won, Joshua and Co. set about the mind-numbing task of splitting up the land... with exact, repetitive geographical instructions... (JOS 12:1 - 19:51)

Joshua's campaign in the Holy Land hits a snag... nothing some stoning and burning won't fix! At the end of the road, will they raise a kingdom or keep making the same mistakes? (JOS 7:1 - 11:23)

Two spies jump out a prostitute's window, scale the Walls of Jericho, and hide for three days just to get Joshua and his armies a single message: IT'S TIME TO WALK IN CIRCLES. (JOS 1:1 - 6:27)

Moses gives his people blessings, curses, and writes one last song... before finally... being told how his people will fail AGAIN. DEU (28:1 - 34:12)

Moses' exhaustive repetition of the Laws hits under the belt, in an episode that covers the History of Crossdressing, charity for strangers, orphans, and widows, and a very important rule about your stones... (DEU - 23:1 - 27:26)

In this episode it's not about what you should do, it's about what you should NOT do. Just ask the Hittites... and the Perizzites and the Girgashites and the Jebusites... AND the Canaanites and the Amorites... (DEU 18:1 - 22:30)

If the Israelites are going to make it in the Promised Land, there are a few rules that Moses is going to make sure they have memorized by repeating them over and over and ok yeah… it's one of those episodes. (DEU 12:1 - 17:20)

Reader beware, you're in for a scare! As Moses continues his epic recap, he gives the Israelites a lesson in love, service, and fear… (DEU 5:1 - 11:32)

Tall people, a planet of Nazis, and the paradox of war are just some of the things that come up in today's episode, as the Israelites prepare to leave Moses behind. But first, Moses has a few words… (DEU 1:1 - 4:49)

Death continues for the enemies of Israel and God dispenses some ground rules for living in the Holy Land, in this, the driest and final (?!) Non-Believer reading from the Book of Numbers. (NUM 31:1 - 36:13)

Personal politics and more counting aren't boring enough to stop one guy from stabbing a couple to death! Meanwhile, the Non-Believer reflects on Kabbalah and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon… (NUM 25:1 - 30:16)

Israel finally learns to be humble, and follow that up by going Beast in the Middle East. Balak won't listen to Balaam about what this means for them, but God settles it by putting His Word in the Mouth of an Ass! It's the Bible yo! (NUM 21:1 - 24:25)

On today's episode, the Non-Believer dips into Jewish Mysticism, the Israelites rebel again (again), and Moses and Aaron learn the true price of losing your faith. All it takes is a little tappy, a tap-tap-taperoo, to seal their fate forever... (NUM 16:1 - 20:29)

Finally, Moses has led the Israelites to the outskirts of the Holy Land and sent Caleb and Joshua on a spy mission to gather intel. What they discover will shake the congregation to its core, piss off God, and make the Israelites' journey a LOT longer. (NUM 12:1 - 15:41)

As the Israelites finally begin to move, impatience, hunger, and whining almost drive Moses to the brink. Now, God must deal with the people Him/Her/It/Wha?-self... (NUM 9:1 - 11:35)

Desert hermits, a potion that can sense adultery, a spoon with incense! This episode has it all, and you too will have... a migraine, as the children of Israel almost, almost begin to start to get ready... to start the journey to the Promised Land. (NUM 5:1 - 8:26)

The Book of Numbers begins with... numbers! As the Levites fulfill their role, the Israelites near their goal, but will they fall into a hole?? (NUM 1:1 - 4:49)

The Non-Believer finally finishes the book of Leviticus, way easy no problem. But what to make of all these laws? How successful were they then, and what do they mean for us now? And what do? And what? And? (LEV 25:1 - 27:34)

The Angel Azazel, a whore, and the blaspheming son of an Israelite-ish woman walk into a bar... (LEV 19:1 - 24:23)

Blood laws and sex laws are par for the course, but when The Non-Believer hits LEV 18:22, we see a familiar theme: how one translation can affect generations to come. (LEV 17:1 - 18:30)

The Non-Believer considers the deaths of Nadab and Abihu, and gets so deep into Leviticus, the rituals start to make SENSE. (LEV 14:1 - 16:34)

The Israelites are finally cleansed enough to meet God! But, will they stay that way? Not unless they follow some very very very specific laws... (LEV 8:1 - 13:59)

New book, same boring laws... and yet there may also be important lessons about love, Batman, and Puerto Rican food. LEV (1:1 - 7:38)

In the final episode covering the Book of Exodus, an unthinkable plot twist forces the horrible truth to finally dawn on the Non-Believer... it's time to read about tabernacle construction... AGAIN. (EXO 35:1 - 40:38)

After two weeks of research, the Non-Believer is back with an unnecessarily well-researched deep dive into the world of Renaissance art, Anti-Semitism, and whoa whoa whoa, why are there horns on Moses' head?? (EXO 34:29-30)

Moses talks God down from unleashing another flood, but what he has in store for the Israelites will test their minds, bodies, and spirits. (EXO 32:1 - 34:35)

In the biggest Bible episode yet, God continues to fill Moses' brain with a bunch of stuff he wants the Children of Israel to do to worship him… but all the Non-Believer can think about is food. (EXO 27:1 - 31:18)

After a successful night over at God's place, Moses begins his 40-day stay, not knowing that God wants to talk painstakingly… about tabernacle construction. (EXO 23:1 - 26:37)

Before the cool shit starts, God has a lot of laws to share with Moses. (EXO 21:1 - 23:33)

As the Israelites keep whining, Moses becomes the caught between them and God, but an old friend may suggest the key to his sanity... Middle Management. God writes on stone later too. (EXO 17:1 - 20:26)

Moses can free the slaves, he can part the Red Sea, he can even make food out of literally nothing, but can he siiiiiing?? (EXO 14:1 - 16:36)

Moses and Aaron are ready to lead God's Chosen People out of Egypt, but Pharaoh, that dumbass, will need to be taught one more lesson. (EXO 10:1 - 13:22)