Podcasts about step boundary solution

In this episode we discuss Discovery Day, one of the most painful days in the life of a wife who discovers her husband has been viewing pornography or is compulsively acting out sexually. The day of discovery is typically called D-Day, because just like the Normandy Beach invasion during WWII, this day is full of death, wounding, and trauma. D-Day is not the end of the story, though! We will leave you with hope. Your hosts are: Pam Blizzard of Recovered Peace Lyschel Burket of Hope Redefined Bonny Burns of Strong Wives We will be discussing: What comes to mind for each of us personally as we think of Discovery Day? What patterns do we see in partners immediately after discovery? What is the best thing a wife can do for herself immediately after discovering her husband's problematic sexual behavior? What hope can we leave our listeners with? Resources: APSATS.org - The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists  Find a specially trained therapist or coach who understands betrayal, trauma and recovery. Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life A Door of Hope A Door of Hope Peer Facilitator Training Community Thank you for sitting in with us today. Our deepest desire is that you will find encouragement, insight, and maybe even a laugh or two in the many episodes to come. We will talk with you again in two weeks. We all offer 1 to 1 coaching, groups, and other resources on our individual websites. Check us out and get to know us better! Transcript Hope for Wives Episode 2

Are you ready for the third part of my series on the talking boundary? This one is all about a specific process from the work of Pia Mellody: the Talking Format. This strategy is a roadmap around how to share information with another person, and is ideal for challenging conversations. If you’ve ever found yourself struggling with how to express yourself effectively in a difficult interpersonal situation, don’t miss this episode!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #134: The Talking Format consists of three parts: Tell the other person about the data you observed to give a concrete example of the issue you’re raising. Explain what you thought, perceived, or made up based on the data. Share the emotions that you feel around the situation. When you’re using the Talking Format, make sure you have enough physical space to say what you want to say. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. The purpose of sharing is to be known and foster intimacy, not to blame, shame, control, criticize, or manipulate. If you become aware that your intention is to control or manipulate, you’re not yet ready to have the conversation.   Highlights from Episode #134: Welcome to the third and final part of Vicki’s series on the talking boundary! Check out the last two episodes if you haven’t yet heard part one one and part two of the series. [00:39] What is the Talking Format? Vicki shares the three basic steps. [03:45] Vicki offers an example to help illustrate how to use the technique she’s sharing today. [08:34] We learn more about how to use the Talking Format as part of the talking boundary. [12:22] When you’re sharing, remind yourself that you’re not blaming the other person. [15:39] You can approach a solution by expressing how you would prefer things to be. Vicki talks about how this might work in her example. [20:57] Vicki shares one last point about the Talking Format: it’s an actionable way to use the first step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [26:46]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops The Talking Format (handout referenced in this episode) Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #132 – She Said What?! Part I of A Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #133 – Speaking to Be Heard (Part 2 of a Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Pia Mellody  

In case you haven’t already heard, I’m holding monthly boundaries clarifier workshops. At these events, we walk through the first four steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Today’s episode was inspired by something that came up in the very first of these workshops: Step 3 (Identifying Your Power Center) is challenging for a lot of people. That’s why today’s episode is all about this step of the process, and how to decide between your four options. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #125: Identifying your power center is incredibly important. Getting it wrong can lead you to think that you don’t have the power to create your desired outcome, or you might believe that you have more power than you actually do. Even when you don’t have the power to create the outcome that you want, this doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. But keep in mind that “I want you to change” isn’t an option for an outcome. You have four options to decide between in terms of your ability to create the outcome you want: 1. I have the power, 2. I need to ask for help, 3. I need to make a request, or 4. I am powerless.  Making a request is often not the best option. If you’re an enthusiastic request-maker, ask yourself whether there’s another way to get your needs met before making a request. (If you tend not to ever make requests or as, this advice isn’t for you!)   Highlights from Episode #125: Welcome to the episode! We hear that today’s episode involves a deep dive into Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [00:39] Vicki reviews the first two steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. [06:21] We hear the four options for your answers to Step 3, and Vicki shares an example to clarify how these options work. [09:28] The first option is “I have the power to create the outcome I want.” Vicki explores this one in more depth. [11:34] Vicki invites listeners to think of situations where you’ve been recurrently irritated by someone else’s behavior, and points out the problem with prioritizing others’ negative thinking. [20:49] We hear an example from Vicki’s life about how asking someone to change didn’t work, and learn what she does instead. [25:05] We learn about the second option: “I need to ask for help.” [26:50] Vicki talks about the third option: needing to make a request. She explains why it’s potentially problematic and might not be the best way to get the outcome you want. [29:01] There are definitely times when you need to make a request. We hear a few examples. [37:26] The fourth and final option is to acknowledge that you can’t create the outcome that you want: I am powerless. [41:31] Vicki explores an important caveat about choosing the fourth option. [46:23]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #12 – Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #124 – Repeat After Me: I Am Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings!

Before we get into the main part of this episode, I have a big announcement! Starting in February, I’ll be offering monthly workshops to support you as you work your way through the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. Sign up for workshop updates and more details using this link! The idea of calibration is a hugely important one when you’re doing boundary work. This scale for what is standard or normal affects so many parts of our lives, from our initial reactions to people all the way to who we choose to date or to partner with. But just because you’re calibrated in a certain way regarding boundaries, it doesn’t mean you’re fated to stay there forever. You can change your calibration in a positive way, and this episode will help you get started.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #118: The calibration we receive as children has many consequences over our lives. We are calibrated by our family around our own boundaries. For example, if we grow up in a boundary-less family, that will feel like "the norm" or standard to us. The way in which we are calibrated largely determines the people who we are attracted to, as well as the people who we feel repelled by. This explains why people often partner with people who are similar to their parents. Calibration isn’t static, and it can change. If you grew up in a family on the boundary-less end of the continuum and struggle to set boundaries with people, you can actively start to work on your boundaries. Calibration can change in the other direction too, with us becoming desensitized over time.   Highlights from Episode #118: Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and wishes everyone a happy New Year! She then shares the exciting announcement that she hinted at in the last episode of 2020. [00:39] Today’s episode is about calibration, Vicki explains, and chats about what that means. [03:32] We learn that there are three reasons why we’re generally most impressionable (in terms of calibration) when we’re children. [07:38] Vicki gives an overview of how calibration relates to boundaries in terms of standards. [10:01] How you’re calibrated can affect how you react to people, Vicki explains. [14:49] We hear some good news and some bad news about calibration. [20:46] How do you change your calibration in a positive way once you become aware of it? [24:55] Vicki talks about some simple ways for how to shift from being boundary-less to the healthy middle. [29:08]   Links and Resources: Sign up for updates about Vicki’s monthly boundary workshops beginning February 2021 Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

Ellie Kempter [The Office, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt] joins Anna from her home in St. Louis to discuss why it's frustrating to be labeled as “quirky”, how Midwestern cynicism is different from New York cynicism, why Skip-It was the best toy ever, what meditation apps are helping with quarantine, why you shouldn’t ask for a cupcake’s ingredients, and more. Then Anna welcomes back Dr. Alex Katehakis to talk with Jennifer.ALLBIRDS With the new Allbirds Tree Dasher, feel confident knowing that you can run hard and tread light on the planet. Find your pair at Allbirds.com today.BABBEL Right now, when you purchase a three month subscription, Babbel will give Unqualified  listeners 3 Additional Months for FREE with Promo Code ANNA Go to Babbel.com, and use promo code ANNA on your three month subscription.Resources for those experiencing betrayal trauma:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic IntelligenceMoving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex AddictsConscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even AfterCenter for Healthy SexPlease subscribe to Anna Faris is Unqualified on Apple Podcasts and follow us on social media:Instagram @UnqualifiedTwitter @UnqualifiedFacebook @Anna Faris is UnqualifiedMusic by: Mondo Cozmo @mondocozmoProducers: Michael Barrett, Rob Holysz, Jeph PorterCo-producer: Michael ShermanProduction Services: Rabbit Grin Productions rabbitgrinproductions.comDistributed by: Simplecast

Has someone close to you made the decision not to wear a face mask? I experienced this recently, and  I know that many of you have faced this issue as well. Today’s episode is dedicated to the topic. To help you understand how you can respond to this situation, I’ll walk you through exactly what I did and said, how it turned out, and the choices you can make when you find yourself in a similar position. And a quick announcement: I’ll be holding another amazing live video call — Clarity Circle — on Friday, August 14th. Learn more sign up at this link! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #101: Should we wear a face mask even though they aren’t 100% effective? The fact is that 100% is not a metric we expect when dealing with situations affecting our safety. We make choices all the time around things that aren’t 100% effective, such as locking our doors at night, wearing seatbelts, and even using contraceptives. You can use the 5-Step Boundary Solution process to help you navigate situations in which someone close to you doesn’t wear a face mask. As you apply your new skills in situations like this, part of your work is to stay on your side of the street and maintain a respectful, warm connection with the other person. If you’re very triggered, it may help to express that you’re feeling that way and that you’d like to have some time and talk about it later. In the end, you get to be the decider and figure out what works for you and how to move forward.   Highlights from Episode #101: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and introduces its topic. She also reminds listeners about her 30-day Facebook Live event. [00:39] We hear about a recent experience that Vicki had involving face masks, as well as the recent hype in the news about face masks. [02:21] If masks aren’t 100% effective, does that mean we should just skip wearing them? [07:54] Vicki talks about what to do when a loved one doesn’t or won’t wear a mask, and shares more about her recent experience. [10:30] Vicki walks listeners through what she ended up doing in her encounter with someone close to her not wearing a mask. [18:47] We hear about how Vicki focused on knowing who this person is at heart, and some examples of her friend's self-described “paranoia.” [26:10] Vicki confesses another part of her response, which she isn’t as proud of. We also learn how the woman in question eventually responded. [30:08] The strength of Vicki’s strategy is that she left the “problem” to the other woman; she didn’t make a request or create a power struggle. [34:55] Have you ever picked up a new set of skills and then started using them to control, manipulate, or dominate? [43:47] Vicki points out that you ultimately get to be the decider to figure out how to move forward, and talks about a key factor that hangs people up around seeing their options. [46:26]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Laura Doyle Pia Mellody Clarity Circle Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

A lot of listener questions I get have embedded expectations in them. And while not all expectations are bad, they can definitely get us into trouble. Valentine’s Day is a great example of this. You may be expecting your partner to give you flowers or show up for you in a certain way, but unless you’ve expressed this to your partner or you're not willing to take action on what you have power over, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and disconnection. Tune in to learn how to manage expectations and avoid feeling let down! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #82: When we’re unhappy with the behavior of another person, it’s often because we have an expectation about what they should (or shouldn’t) be doing. But not all expectations are bad; when they’re used wisely, they can be powerful and positive. There’s an important difference between expectations and contracts or agreements. If you have an agreement or contract with another person, not living up to it is a boundary violation. However, it’s not a boundary violation if someone doesn’t meet an unspoken expectation. When we have unfounded expectations, we’ll often be frustrated or upset when our expectation isn’t met. But if you don’t ask for what you want, you lose your right to complain when you don’t get it. If you believe that another person should give you something that you could give to yourself, but you refuse to do so, you have made getting the other person to do what you want them to do more important than getting what you wanted. Highlights from Episode #82: Welcome to this episode of the Beyond Bitchy podcast, which is here just in time for Valentine’s Day! [00:40] Vicki defines what expectations are, and explains how we can get in trouble with them. [03:45] [07:27] Your word can establish a reasonable expectation that can cause an understandable upset even when you don’t have an agreement with another person. [11:42] What happens when we have unfounded expectations? [14:34] Vicki points out that each of us is the only person responsible for getting our wants or needs met. [18:21] Are all expectations bad? Vicki explains why they’re not, and talks about a useful way to utilize expectations. [22:22] Vicki talks more about Valentine’s Day and expectations, and offers a specific exercise for listeners. [28:29] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Laura Doyle Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

There are basic needs that each of us needs in a relationship such as honesty and trust. For the betrayed, we wonder how we are ever going to get these needs met when we have no control over the behavior of the addict. In this episode, we discuss authentic power and how to take care of ourselves and navigate through this difficult stage of the recovery process. Moving Beyond Betrayal The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

A question I get from time to time that always surprises me: “What do you do when you make a request of another person, and they ignore your request?” Assuming that you know that the other person heard your request, it’s painful to get no response. Today’s episode explores what to do if this happens to you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #42: How you respond when someone ignores your request depends a lot on who you made a request of, the type of request you’ve made, and how important that request is to you. There are different ways that people can ignore requests: pretending they didn’t hear (or read) the request, or tell you they’ll get back to you later and then never follow up. When an important request of an important person is ignored, start with the least pathological explanation. If the person says they’ll get back to you but they don’t, follow up with them and ask for a timeframe. If they responded to your communication but not your request, follow up on the request specifically. If you’ve done all of the above but this person still avoids responding, you have important information about that person. What does it mean for you to know that this person is avoidant? Can you get your want or need met without agreement from this person? Highlights from Episode #42: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which will address the question of what you do when your request is ignored. [00:39] We hear a quick refresher on the difference between zones of privacy and zones of intimacy, and how they’re relevant to today’s question. [03:20] Vicki clarifies the spectrum of attachment styles, and points out that people who ignore requests tend to lean toward the avoidant end of the spectrum. [07:04] There are a couple of ways that people can ignore requests, Vicki explains. [09:36] Vicki offers advice on what to do assuming the request and person are important to you. [12:12] We hear a story of something that happened to Vicki that’s relevant to her points. [14:53] What do you do if you’ve done everything right, but the person still doesn’t respond? [19:50] Vicki shares a question to ask yourself, and advice on how to find the answer. [22:38] If you’re asking someone who’s not very important to you for a very small thing, and you continue to repeat your request, you may have deeper issues around your perception that others are ignoring you are or dismissive. [25:45] Vicki recaps the points that she’s covered today. [27:54] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 10: Knowing and Owning Your Reality (Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 11: Getting Your Needs Met (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 12: Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 15: When Boundaries are Successful . . . or Not (Step 5 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

Thanks to all the listeners for the great feedback and questions you’ve been submitting. This episode is a response to a listener’s question about the difference between demands and requests. Tune in to learn about the difference between the two, and whether it’s possible to create a boundary with another person without making a request. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #41: Almost everyone struggles around knowing the difference between demands and requests. Even if you feel you understand the difference intellectually, it can be easy—and tempting—to use demands rather than requests. A request involves asking politely, respectfully, or formally for something. A demand is a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you. If you confuse creating a boundary with making demands or making a request, you will be in trouble. Creating a boundary with another person requires that you have an agreement with that person. Even if you have very good reasons to be concerned about your spouse, every adult has a right to make the choices they want to make, even when their choices are behaviors that may not be healthy for them. Highlights from Episode #41: Welcome to a quick-tips episode that was inspired by a listener’s question, which Vicki paraphrases. [00:40] Vicki starts her answer to the listener’s question by defining requests and demands, and shares an example of a request that her husband made of her. [04:54] We learn why confusing boundaries and demands is problematic. [07:43] Demands are often made when a person is feeling anxious or very attached to the outcome, Vicki explains. [10:16] Vicki makes a couple of comments about specific aspects of the listener’s question. [12:01] What do you do when your spouse is engaging in unhealthy behaviors like eating too much, eating junk food, or smoking. [14:48] Vicki offers advice for when your spouse thinks they’re a victim when you are not in fact breaking an agreement. [19:25] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution

As the first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. I’m extremely confident, though, that at least a few men will relate to this one! This topic is inspired by a listener’s question on how to get others to respect your boundaries instead of reacting with blame or shame. In this episode, I’ll give you tools and strategies to navigate these types of situations. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #34: When someone tries to send you on a guilt trip, you get to decide whether or not you’re going to go. A strong listening boundary lets you choose whether to accept and believe others’ opinions or hurtful words (possibly about you), rather than automatically accepting them. When it’s not clear how to make a boundary specific and measurable, you can use the data you identified in Step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. From there, you can move into making a request. In situations where the outcome you want is for another person to do something different or to change, your power lies in either making a request of the other person or setting a boundary for yourself. When you make a request, there are three possible responses. The other person can say yes or no, or negotiate an alternative. Most of us—especially women—tend to over-give or sacrifice ourselves, which results in resentment. If you can’t do something without resentment or having an attitude, say “no” rather than doing it! The short-term discomfort of saying no will give you a longer-term gain. Highlights from Episode #34: Today’s episode will focus on a topic related to women and boundaries, specifically the need for choosing self-care over self-sacrifice. [00:48] Vicki takes a moment to say a few words on the listening boundary, which is the most difficult to use. [05:28] We hear more about the second part of the listener’s question, including how to make her boundaries specific and measurable. [07:50] Vicki shares another way to look at Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier: identifying what what needs are not being met and the outcome you want. [12:45] We briefly move into Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process (Identify Your Power Center) before Vicki talks about what moving into Step 4 (Taking Action) might sound like. [13:49] Vicki shares some words of wisdom from Brené Brown. [17:55] We hear some specific steps and strategies for dealing with guilt trips. [21:03] Vicki talks about the problem with being a people-pleaser, and why avoiding people pleasing is good for everyone. [26:03] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Brené Brown Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 24: The Politician (No, Not That One)

Today’s episode was inspired by a listener’s great question. She was completing a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, and while working through Step 1 (Knowing Your Reality), she realized she only had a hunch, rather than any hard data. She wanted to know if intuition, or a gut feeling, is enough to go on when you want to set a boundary. In general, the answer is “yes,” but you need to know some specifics before proceeding. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #27: Intuition is "the ability to understand something immediately without the need for conscious reasoning, or a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning." You may think that you don’t have data to back up an intuition, but often in hindsight you may realize there was specific evidence that lead to your gut feeling. It is possible to substitute an intuitive hunch or a gut feeling for data in Step 1 when you’re working through a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, and then proceed from there with the boundary you want to create. When you’re creating a boundary based on intuition or a gut feeling, the intuition or hunch is the data in Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Your thoughts  or perceptions about the data and the data itself are usually synonymous. The only difference between how you would typically complete a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier and completing one based on a hunch or intuition, is that in Step 1, the hunch is the data and the thought. Highlights from Episode #27: Vicki explains the inspiration for today’s episode, then digs into what intuition is and explores different ways of orienting to and taking in data. [00:54] We learn about why intuition and different ways of orienting to the world are important when it comes to boundaries. [07:42] Vicki talks about some situations where you want to set a boundary and you don’t have any data, but need to proceed from your intuition instead. [09:08] Vicki offers a hypothetical situation to use as an example of creating boundaries based on intuition. [13:16] We hear how to finish the steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution in this example. [17:34] Vicki shares more information on using intuition to create a boundary. [24:14] Most people tend to default to not paying attention to their intuition, Vicki points out. [30:02] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 10 (Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

Today’s title may sound cryptic and odd, but by the time you’ve listened to this episode, I promise you will totally get it! I'll cover what is called the "internal boundary" using a recent event from my own life that will help clarify exactly what the internal boundary is and how it works. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #18: The internal boundary is the boundary that all of us have—or should have. When you experience an event or situation, you filter that experience through your perception and judgments. You then decide what you think and how you feel, and decide want to do about what you’ve experienced—if anything. This is how the internal boundary works. When your internal boundary is solid, you respond rather than react. When you’re trying to decide what to do about an issue, take a moment to think about how important it is to you. Rate it on a scale of 1-10, and use that to help you decide. If you rate something as a 7 or higher, you probably need to respond in some way, rather than letting it go. Highlights from Episode #18: Vicki introduces the topic (and the title) of today’s episode. [00:48] To illuminate the internal boundary and how it works, Vicki offers a simple example of what happened to her—internally—when she made the mundane realization that the spatula she wanted to use was in the dishwasher. [04:54] Vicki discusses Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, then returns to talking about the spatula incident. [13:28] When you experience something that you don't like (especially when it has to do with another person), most of us have a default toward either talking to the other person about it or letting it go. Take a moment and ask yourself what your default is. [17:34] Vicki talks about the expression, “would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” [20:01] Vicki discussed the three options of what to do shen something another person does doesn’t work for you. [24:24] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov

This is the fifth of a five-part series taking a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you haven’t heard the episodes covering the first four steps, go back to Episode #10 and start there so that you can get a firm foundation for all five steps. Today, you’ll learn how to evaluate the results of your boundary work, and what to do if the boundary you attempted to set wasn't as successful as you had hoped. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #15: If the boundary you created as a result of working Steps 1-4 has been successful—even if it wasn’t 100% perfect—it's time to celebrate! If the boundary didn't turn out as you planned, or the person you established a boundary with broke an agreement, there are almost always more steps you can take. If your boundary didn’t work, ask yourself three questions: Did you follow through on what you committed to in Step 4? If you made a request of another person, was the agreement clear? Was the agreement broken, or was there a boundary violation? Your response to a broken agreement should be in proportion to the importance of the issue to you. In other words, you wouldn't immediately file for divorce if your spouse forgot to take the trash out one week. It’s important to understand the difference between punishment, consequences, and self-care, and to not allow someone else to cause you to believe that you are "punishing" them with your boundaries, when in fact the boundary was a natural consequence, an act of self-care, or both.  Highlights from Episode #15: Vicki offers a quick overview of the four steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [01:34] Step 5 is about evaluating the results of your boundary work, and making course corrections if needed. [06:42] If a boundary didn’t work, start by asking yourself three specific questions. [10:06] We hear about some potential mistakes that one can make during this step. [14:38] There are several options in cases of broken agreements or boundary violations. [16:45] Vicki makes a distinction between three concepts: self-care, consequences, and punishment. [23:04] One option when you’re working through Step 5 is that you need to return to Step 1 to work the 5-SBS around the new issue or problem. [27:46] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks, PhD

After last week’s episode on the topic of women and boundaries, we’re returning to our deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. This episode will focus on Step 4: Taking Action. If you haven’t already heard the first three steps of the 5-SBS, go back and listen to Episodes #10-12. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14: When you're planning what action to take, you need to know whether you have a contract (agreement) with another person, or whether it’s just an expectation. Mistaking expectations for agreements can lead to disappointment, frustration, or worse. Demands and requests are on a continuum. On one end, we get our needs met in a very passive way. At the other extreme we make demands. There’s a fine—but important—difference between a non-negotiable boundary, which expresses what you are going to do, and an ultimatum, which is a demand. When you want to make a request, there are best practices. First, choose a time when both of you are relatively calm and undistracted, and notice the state of your own nervous system. Ask the other person if they’re available to talk about something important, and be willing to take “no” for an answer. Highlights from Episode #14: Vicki introduces Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process: Taking Action. [03:57] There’s an important difference between contracts and expectations, as well as between demands and requests. [06:39] Vicki explores the differences between non-negotiable boundaries and ultimatums. [11:50] Making a request is often the most challenging option of the 4 possibilities in Step 4. Vicki discusses best practices for making requests. [16:42] When you want to make a request, avoid these particular things. [21:56] “If you can’t accept another person’s no, then their yes doesn’t mean a whole lot,” Vicki explains. [24:59] Vicki offers a refresher on what the four options are in terms of taking action. [26:57] Vicki presents the idea of keeping an agreement journey, as well as why an agreement journal can be helpful. [30:42] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Sheri Winston Intimate Arts Center Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston Byron Katie

Today you’ll learn about the third step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, Identifying Your Power Center. (If you haven’t already heard the previous two episodes, I recommend listening to them first.) Most of us have a conflicted, or even negative, relationship with power. Step 3 is all about identifying your power center. Tune in to learn all about power: what it is, its negative and positive aspects, and how to use it as you are developing better personal and relationship boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #12: Power can be defined as the ability to do something or act in a particular way, or the capacity to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events. Power appears in three general ways along a continuum. On one extreme is power-over. On the other extreme is powerlessness. In the healthy middle is authentic personal power. Most of us default toward one end of this continuum. People who use power-over strategies often make demands or tell others what to do. People closer to the powerless end tend not to use the power that they have. Generally speaking, men tend to default toward the power-over side of the continuum, and women toward the powerless end. A person who acts from a place of authentic personal power realizes that the only person she has power over is herself. She’s in touch with her needs and wants, and she’s aware of (and accountable for) the impact of her behavior on other people. Highlights from Episode #12: Today, Vicki will cover step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution: Identifying Your Power Center. [02:04] We learn about the definitions of power. [03:53] For most of us, power shows up in three general ways that lie along a continuum. [05:25] Cesar Millan had an episode in his television show, Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan, featuring a powerful CEO who was, on the one hand, very powerful in the workplace, yet powerless around his own dogs' behaviors. This simple example illustrates how we can exercise power differently in different situations. [08:00] Vicki takes a moment to talk about power and gender. [10:34] At best, power-over is controlling—at worst, it’s abusive. [14:18] Vicki shares some of the ways you can tell whether you’re operating through authentic personal power. [15:48] In this step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, you’ll identify one of four options. [20:29] There are dangers that come with not owning the power you have, or when you attempt to have power in situations where you don’t. [29:29] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Cesar Millan Dear Madam President: An Open Letter to the Women Who Will Run the World by Jennifer Palmieri  

This episode covers Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you’re tuning in for the first time, I recommend going back to last week’s episode to work through Step 1 before you dive into this show! Step 2 is all about identifying your needs and creating a vision for the outcome you want, so that you can get your needs met. It’s important to remember that the outcome you envision needs to be specific, measurable, and clear. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11: If you aren’t aware of what your needs are, or you're unclear on what outcome you want, it will be very difficult to get where you want to go, and you won’t be able to create a solution or boundary that meet your needs. A need is a quality or condition that is necessary or required. A common need in a relationship, for example, is honesty. If you feel discomfort, negative feelings, or pain, it could be a sign that you have a need that isn’t being met. The needs continuum runs from someone being anti-dependent, or needless and wantless on one extreme, to being too needy or too dependent on the other extreme. Healthy interdependence involves being open to asking for help when you need it, willing to give help when it’s asked for, and aware of what your own responsibilities are. Highlights from Episode #11: Today’s episode will cover identifying your needs and getting them met. [01:26] Vicki takes a moment to define what needs are. [03:14] Neglect in childhood can cause problems for people in adulthood knowing their needs and getting them met.  An example of parents being neglectful in meeting a child’s needs is not taking their child to the doctor or the dentist. [06:22] Ideally, in close interpersonal relationships, both people are interdependent rather than being on either end of the needs continuum. [10:25] Vicki explores the needs continuum in more depth, explaining what the extreme on either end looks like. [13:23] We learn more about what interdependence in healthy, functional relationships looks like. - [18:57] The first part of Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution is to identify the unmet needs that you have with regard to the situation. Once you identify your needs, you can create a clear, specific, and measurable vision of an outcome. [24:00] Vicki gives an example of a vague outcome that isn’t specific and measurable. [27:24] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal  by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Abraham Maslow Maslow’s hierarchy of needs Needs Inventory from The Center for Nonviolent Communication

Today and for the next four episodes, I’m going to take a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. The first step, which is what I’ll be covering in this episode, is knowing and owning your reality. When you're working on any issue, you've got to start with knowing exactly what your reality is—what is true for you—and Step 1 will help you do just that. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10: There are three parts to knowing your reality: identifying the data (or what happened), identifying what you think about the data, and identifying the emotions have as a result of what happened. When you own your reality, you fully face it, and you don't try to change or deny it. You may be challenged around knowing and owning your reality because you grew up in a family where there was deception or secrets. Or you may have been told  that you didn't really think or feel something that you in fact did, or your were excessively criticized about your choices or preferences. Many of us have the habit of experiencing something, making up a story about what happened, and then proceeding and acting on what we believe to be the Truth, with a capital "T". Most of us make up stories about what other people do or say that reflect more about our own thoughts and emotions than the person involved. The skill of "least pathological explanation" is helpful to know. Highlights from Episode #10: The step we’re going to cover today is knowing and owning your reality. [01:28] You might think that you already know your reality; however, most people struggle with at least one part of the process of identifying their own reality. [05:10] Vicki explains why most of us don’t know how to identify our reality, and what can happen when you believe your perceptions, or what you "make up." [10:38] Using a concrete example of a friend being half an hour late for dinner, Vicki walks listeners through this first step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [13:09] Our thoughts, or what we make up about events are typically more about us than the other person. [17:35] The third part of Step 1 is identifying your emotions, which is almost always related to your thoughts. [20:58] Vicki invites listeners to take a few moments throughout the day to practice identifying and owning their reality. [23:20] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Pia Mellody

In this episode, you’ll learn the basics of a boundary-setting process I created called the 5-Step Boundary Solution. The 5-Step Boundary Solution (5-SBS) is a step-by-step formula that walks you through the process of identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy and effective boundaries. Although the 5-SBS process can be useful for boundaries of all kinds, it was created and is intended for use in adult-adult relationships. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9: The five steps of the 5-SBS are: Knowing and Owning Your Reality Identifying Your Needs & Creating Your vision Identifying your Power Center Creating and Implementing Your Action Plan Evaluating Your Results To know and own your reality, you need to identify three key things: the data (what you could record with a video camera), what you perceive or think about the data, and your emotions. There are four options in identifying your power center. First, you have the power to change the situation. Second, you can ask for help. Third, you can make a request of another person. Finally, you may be powerless. If you reach step five and find that the process hasn’t worked because the person broke the agreement or didn’t follow through, you have a new situation and can begin again at step one and work through the process again. Get a fillable PDF download of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier to walk you through the 5-SBS process here. Highlights from Episode #9: Vicki offers some background on how and why she created the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. [01:26] Concrete example to help clarify the upcoming steps. [06:29] The first step of the 5-SBS is Knowing and Owning Your Reality. Vicki digs into this topic using the example she outlined earlier. [08:08] The second step of the 5-SBS is about getting your needs met and creating a vision for what the outcome you want. In Vicki’s example, these needs might be a sense of safety, comfort, or even connection. [18:15] The third (and particularly important) step is Identifying Your Power Center. [24:25] The fourth step is Creating and Implementing Your Action Plan. Vicki outlines how this might work in the example she has been using throughout the episode. [27:08] The fifth and final step is Evaluating Your Results, or what happened as a result of what you did. [31:57] Vicki reads a passage from her book, Moving Beyond Betrayal, to elaborate on the fifth step of the 5-SBS. [37:10] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Pia Mellody List of needs from The Center for Nonviolent Communication Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall Rosenberg

Jackie and Jon welcome Vicki Tidwell Palmer, author of Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts.  Vicki, Jon and Jackie explore the nature and role of boundaries in recovery and Vicki offers some refreshing and useful perspectives on the experience and needs of betrayed partners.   Be sure to check out Vicki's website and blog for more on this conversation www.vickitidwellpalmer.com and www.vickitidwellpalmer.com/blog/ You can find her book on Amazon.com https://www.amazon.com/Moving-Beyond-Betrayal-Boundary-Solution/dp/1942094140/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510594898&sr=8-1&keywords=moving+beyond+betrayal

Jackie and Jon welcome Vicki Tidwell Palmer, author of Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts.  Vicki, Jon and Jackie explore the nature and role of boundaries in recovery and Vicki offers some refreshing and useful perspectives on the experience and needs of betrayed partners.   Be sure to check out Vicki's website and blog for more on this conversation www.vickitidwellpalmer.com and www.vickitidwellpalmer.com/blog/ You can find her book on Amazon.com https://www.amazon.com/Moving-Beyond-Betrayal-Boundary-Solution/dp/1942094140/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510594898&sr=8-1&keywords=moving+beyond+betrayal

In the first half hour, Patricia interviews Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist who has been treating clients for more than 35 years. He is also the author of The Stress Solution, a book about the epidemic of stress and how it hurts so many of us in so many ways. He will discuss how his book provides simple, realistic, powerful techniques for using empathy and cognitive behavioral therapy to perceive situations accurately, correct distorted thinking, and trigger our own neurochemistry to produce calm, focused energy. In the second half hour, Patricia interviews Vicki Tidwell Palmer, author of Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts, blogger, workshop presenter, and psychotherapist in private practice. She will discuss the 5-step Boundary Solution that she provides in order to help partners affected by addictive behavior that addresses, in detail, how to identify, create, and maintain healthy boundaries.

In the first half hour, Patricia interviews Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist who has been treating clients for more than 35 years. He is also the author of The Stress Solution, a book about the epidemic of stress and how it hurts so many of us in so many ways. He will discuss how his book provides simple, realistic, powerful techniques for using empathy and cognitive behavioral therapy to perceive situations accurately, correct distorted thinking, and trigger our own neurochemistry to produce calm, focused energy. In the second half hour, Patricia interviews Vicki Tidwell Palmer, author of Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts, blogger, workshop presenter, and psychotherapist in private practice. She will discuss the 5-step Boundary Solution that she provides in order to help partners affected by addictive behavior that addresses, in detail, how to identify, create, and maintain healthy boundaries.

In the first half hour, Patricia interviews Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist who has been treating clients for more than 35 years. He is also the author of The Stress Solution, a book about the epidemic of stress and how it hurts so many of us in so many ways. He will discuss how his book provides simple, realistic, powerful techniques for using empathy and cognitive behavioral therapy to perceive situations accurately, correct distorted thinking, and trigger our own neurochemistry to produce calm, focused energy. In the second half hour, Patricia interviews Vicki Tidwell Palmer, author of Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts, blogger, workshop presenter, and psychotherapist in private practice. She will discuss the 5-step Boundary Solution that she provides in order to help partners affected by addictive behavior that addresses, in detail, how to identify, create, and maintain healthy boundaries.

In the first half hour, Patricia interviews Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist who has been treating clients for more than 35 years. He is also the author of The Stress Solution, a book about the epidemic of stress and how it hurts so many of us in so many ways. He will discuss how his book provides simple, realistic, powerful techniques for using empathy and cognitive behavioral therapy to perceive situations accurately, correct distorted thinking, and trigger our own neurochemistry to produce calm, focused energy. In the second half hour, Patricia interviews Vicki Tidwell Palmer, author of Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts, blogger, workshop presenter, and psychotherapist in private practice. She will discuss the 5-step Boundary Solution that she provides in order to help partners affected by addictive behavior that addresses, in detail, how to identify, create, and maintain healthy boundaries.

Carol the Coach will be interviewing Vicki Tidwell Palmer who recently released Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5 Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts. She is going to be talking about how partners can keep themselves safe and  work towards the restoration and rehabilitation  of the relationship when Sex Addiction has occured. This will be a fascinating show about empowerment!