Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Last week, I talked about the first two of the four essentials for mastering boundaries: “Who's Got the Power?” and “Stinkin' Thinkin'.” (If these don't sound familiar, I recommend going back to listen to Episode 142.) This week, I'll cover the third and fourth essentials: “Live and Let Live,” and “Change (So That I Can Feel Better).” But before we begin, I want to share a big announcement: this will be the final episode of the Beyond Bitchy podcast. This has been a productive and fulfilling season of my life, but it's time to bring it to a close and let the next season begin. If you want to keep up with what I'm doing next, please visit and subscribe to my Radiant Threefold Path Blog or follow me on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube. Thank you for being part of this podcast journey!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #143: Others have a right to live the way they want, just as you have a right to live your life in the way you want. If you don't like someone else's choices, your power is in how you choose to respond.  The fourth essential probably addresses most of the problems you have with boundaries. If you want someone to change to make you feel better, you're in one of the biggest pitfalls of creating effective boundaries. When you find yourself wanting someone to change, go back to essential #1: “Who's Got the Power?” In short, you can take action around protecting yourself, or make a request of the other person. The biggest challenge you will probably face is the practice of returning to you, staying with your reality, and knowing what you want.   Highlights from Episode #143: Welcome to episode #143! Vicki quickly recaps the first two essentials for mastering boundaries, which she discussed in detail in the previous episode. [00:39] The third of Vicki's four essentials is “Live and Let Live.” She talks about this in more depth, explaining what is (and isn't) under your control. [04:56] Vicki shares an example of “Live and Let Live.” [08:17] How somebody dresses is another example of the third essential point. [11:27] The fourth essential encompasses most problems you likely have with boundaries. [12:50] Vicki digs into what the problem is with believing that someone should change to make you feel better. [15:40] What should you do when you find yourself wanting someone to change? Vicki answers, then recaps the four essentials that she has covered. [17:58] Vicki gives an example to illustrate the difference between what you could record and what you made up. [20:14]  Vicki makes a big announcement about the podcast: this will be the final episode. [24:24] Are you wondering what to do about your future boundaries challenges? Vicki promises that the answer is somewhere in the previous episodes of the podcast. She then invites you to sit down with a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, do the quiet inner work to discover your reality, your vision, where your power lies, and what action to take. [29:11]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Beyond Bitchy on Spotify The Radiant Threefold Path The Radiant Threefold Path Blog Vicki Tidwell Palmer on YouTube Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 142: 4 Essentials for Mastering Boundaries (Part I) Carolyn Myss

I'm lucky enough to have been able to give myself the gift of a 27-day sabbatical, which gave me so much clarity into both my personal and professional life. And now that I'm back, I'm inspired to offer some insight about the four common challenges I see across all sorts of boundary questions in various situations. I'll cover the first two challenges today, and the third and fourth next week.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #142: Even if it's only a few minutes a day, please carve out a few minutes a day for yourself. It's important to give yourself the gift of time even if your life is incredibly full and busy. Most questions about boundaries, regardless of the specific details, center around four specific challenges:  Who's Got the Power? Stinkin' Thinkin' Live and Let Live Change, So That I Can Feel Better There are essentially two kinds of power: “Power Over” and “Authentic Personal Power.” The first type is based in control and fear; we all need to strive for the second type. Stinkin' Thinkin' is thinking that's distorted. You may think that how someone treats you determines how you treat them, or that you need to be on the same page and think the same way as other people.   Highlights from Episode #142: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and talks about the value of carving out some time for yourself. [00:39] The next Boundaries Clarifier Workshop will take place on July 27, 2021. [04:10] After receiving hundreds of questions, Vicki has noticed that the majority center around four specific challenges. She will cover the first two today. [05:26] Vicki talks about the first of the four challenges: Who's Got the Power? [10:58] We hear a list of qualities that describe acting from a place of authentic personal power. She also talks about the difference between personal power and ultimatums. [15:25] What does it look like when you think you don't have power? [20:43] Vicki moves on to talking about the second challenge: Stinkin' Thinkin'. [26:12] Being unconscious of what's going on with us is another kind of distorted thinking. Vicki shares an example from her own life. [31:53] Vicki explains why Stinkin' Thinkin' is such a problem. [36:48]   Links and Resources: Vicki's monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Pia Mellody

People have a lot of misconceptions about boundaries. You may hear people say that boundaries are harsh, rigid, a punishment, or even selfish. Some people even believe that sharing boundaries is a way to control others or tell them what to do. Recently, I've heard another misconception: setting a boundary with someone is a sign that you disapprove of them. Tune in to learn why this isn't the case, and how your boundaries are all about you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #141: Whether you disapprove of someone isn't the focus or the issue when you set a boundary. To focus on approval or disapproval is a deflection away from your limits. If someone's first reaction to your choice to set a boundary is to accuse you of disapproving of them, they are simply expressing their opinion, and the may be acting without accountability. Your limits are about you and you alone. Boundaries are a form of self-care. They're about taking care of yourself, not disapproving of someone else.   Highlights from Episode #141: Welcome to the episode! Vicki chats about the reasons she started this podcast. [00:39] We hear about some common misconceptions about boundaries. [02:15] Vicki adds a new misconception to the list: if you set a boundary with another person, it means that you don't approve of them. [05:57] Does setting a boundary mean that you disapprove of someone or their behavior? [09:40] Vicki talks about boundaries as a form of self-care, and explains with an example. [11:35] If you set a limit and someone calls you rigid, harsh, or disapproving, they're changing the subject from you to them. [14:52] Remember that your boundaries are about you and your self-care! [17:06]   Links and Resources: Vicki's monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there's not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what's the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #113: At this time, it's normal to feel exhausted or depleted. When you feel like quitting something that has brought you joy or will bring you joy in the future, take the time to find ways to rest rather than quit. Quitting may look like anything from not putting up a tree or holiday decorations this year, dropping out of school, or leaving a relationship.  What's causing you to want to quit? That may be the thing that you need to take a rest from. This may be watching the news—or even spending too much time thinking about things that put you in a state of fear. It can be valuable to let yourself consider quitting, or envision what quitting would look like, because this may help point you to how you can rest instead of quit.   Highlights from Episode #113: Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and introduces today's topic, which was inspired by a workshop she attended last week. She then offers some valuable advice about Zoom meetings. [00:39] We hear about Vicki's sense of witnessing collective exhaustion and impatience, and how that relates to this episode. [05:45] Vicki offers some examples of what it looks like to rest rather than quit, ranging from quitting school to leaving a relationship. [10:55] We often keep relationships going in our minds even after they're over. Vicki gives a recommendation about getting in alignment with what you truly want. [19:12] The most tragic example of choosing quitting over resting is the decision to take one's own life. If you're feeling this way, please find someone to talk to right now. At a minimum, figure out how to take a rest to see if there's another option for you. [22:49] Vicki shares some final words of advice on why it's so important to find ways to rest. [27:40]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Byron Katie's The Work

At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I've been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I'm so glad to be back! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #50: At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU. If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to. Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren't that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence. When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world. Highlights from Episode #50: Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39] Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51] Let's talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54] Why should we embrace the fact that it's okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23] Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37] We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01] Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20] We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09] Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information

Today's episode is all about rest, rejuvenation, and boundaries, which absolutely relate to one another! I'll explain why rest is so important and why it's so difficult to unplug in our uber-connected, device saturated world. I'll also give you some tips on how to truly rest and enter into states of being rather than doing, and why rest is crucial for health, creativity, and even productivity. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #31: To create spaces of time off—whether for a few hours or a few weeks—you must to create limits on multiple levels. We all need sleep, time away from work, and time away from devices and media. However, the mind feeds on being perpetually occupied and fixating on problems., Technology, social media, and devices make it difficult to exercise the discipline to unplug and rest. Rest, in all of its forms, is an important part of self-care. It's also important for our creativity, and productivity, as well as connection with others and intimacy. When you decide to unplug and rest, ideally you should define how long you're going to rest and be mindful of technology that keeps you distracted or tempts you away from rest and rejuvenation. Highlights from Episode #31: Vicki explains why there wasn't a new episode last week, talks about what she's doing in California, and explains what this episode is all about. [01:31] What do unplugging and rest have to do with boundaries? [03:03] We learn what Vicki means by “rest,” and learn a nature metaphor for resting. [05:26] Vicki shares more dangers of not getting enough rest in our hyper-connected world. [11:02] We hear some ways to unplug, truly rest, and enter into being rather than doing. [13:14] Vicki invites listeners to think about at least one area where they can create more space for rest. [18:46]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 16: You, Technology & Boundaries

Are you ready to trade your triangles for straight lines? Don't worry, you're not back in geometry class; this is actually related to the talking boundary. Triangulation is something that we do all the time, but we should all work toward straightening out those lines and practicing direct communication whenever possible. (There are a few notable exceptions, which I'll also address in this episode.)   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #137: Triangulation describes a common but harmful form of communication. To understand it, think of a triangle pointing upward. Person A is at the point on top. Person B and Person C are at the other two points of the triangle. Triangulation happens when Person A goes to Person B to talk about (or try to get information to or from) Person C. The problem with triangulation is that it's an indirect, ineffective, and often manipulative form of communication.  The solution is to avoid triangulation. You can do this by removing your side of the triangle, creating a straight line directly between the two people who want to communicate.   Highlights from Episode #137: Vicki welcomes listeners, and shares what she'll be talking about today. [00:39] What is triangulation? Vicki offers an explanation to clarify the possibly unfamiliar term. [01:56] We hear some examples of how triangulation commonly happens. [06:51] The problem with triangulation is that it's indirect and ineffective, Vicki explains. It's also often manipulative. [11:22] What's the solution for this communication triangulation? [12:40] Vicki shares some examples of how you can avoid triangulation, even if it's something you've participated in previously. [14:55] Practicing the tools that Vicki has recommended helps to keep communication clean and direct. [19:03] Vicki recaps what she has talked about in today's episode. [22:33] Links and Resources: Vicki's monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

People in your life may be facing a variety of dangers, from mental health issues or suicidal urges to addiction or unsafe behavior. But today, I’ll focus on a specific type of danger: physically or sexually abusive relationships. It’s painful to know (or suspect) that a loved one is in a relationship like this, but it’s also tough to know what to do. I’ll give you some specific advice on how to proceed—and what to avoid doing.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #136: Here are some things to do when your loved one is in an abusive relationship: Express concern and your willingness to help. Give them a way to alert you that you need to call the police or help them get out of the situation. Call the police if you know or have very good reason to believe that your loved one is in danger. Don’t hesitate; just do it! Send your loved one healing energy, thoughts, and/or prayers. Ask yourself whether what you’re planning to do might put this person in danger. There are also some things you should avoid doing in these circumstances: Don’t communicate in writing about their relationship or safety issues (unless it’s a time-sensitive emergency). Don’t suggest that the person in an abusive relationship should go to couple’s therapy. Don’t confront or agitate the abuser. Don’t judge your loved one who is being abused. Be aware that the most dangerous time for an abused person is right after they leave their abuser. The abused person should go to a domestic violence shelter (rather than a loved one’s house) when they leave, because the shelter will have resources to help.   Highlights from Episode #136: Welcome to episode 136! Let’s talk about what to do in terms of your boundaries when someone you love is in a specific kind of danger. [00:39] Vicki starts things off by sharing some statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. [04:47] What are some things you should not do when you’re dealing with someone facing domestic violence? [07:20] Vicki talks about the most dangerous time for someone leaving an abusive relationship. [12:42] We learn some things that you can or should do in this type of situation. [15:24] Vicki shares a resource: the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call or text them at (800) 799-7233. [21:35] What if someone you love doesn’t want to talk about it? [22:35]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify National Coalition Against Domestic Violence The National Domestic Violence Hotline - or call or text them at (800) 799-7233

Before we start, I’d like to offer you a quick apology! You may not have been able to find the earliest episodes of the show because of a mistake in the podcast settings on the back end. That’s fixed now, and you should be able to access all of the episodes again. And now, onto today’s subject! If you have an ex, especially if you’re co-parenting with them, I’m guessing you’ve had a problem with your ex misbehaving. So what do you do? Tune in to find out!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #135: Co-parenting children with an ex is always a challenge, but it’s harder when your ex has issues or misbehaves. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot that we can do about other people’s behavior. If your ex is doing unsafe things with your children (such as abuse or drunk driving), you will need to intervene in some way. These issues of safety are in a separate category from other misbehavior from your ex. Some things I recommend against doing include:  Bad-mouthing your ex to your children Trying to control anything about your ex that’s outside of your control Telling yourself that your children can’t see what you see about your ex Putting your children in the middle   Highlights from Episode #135: Vicki welcomes listeners back to the podcast, and makes a quick announcement. She then uses the inconvenience in question as a teaching moment. [00:39] We move to today’s topic: exes who don’t behave. Vicki offers some examples of ways that an ex can be distressing as a co-parent. [05:09] Sometimes an ex might subject children to unsafe things, such as physical or sexual abuse or drunk driving. [10:53] Vicki shares some things that she recommends that you not do. [13:07] Don’t assume that your children don’t see what you see about your ex-spouse, or put them in the middle. [17:16] Are there different boundaries rules with your ex than with other people in your life? [22:08] For everything outside of safety issues, you have no control over how your ex parents. Vicki offers some tips on how you can feel better about this situation. [26:48] Things you can do in this situation include sending healing and positive wishes to your children—and even your ex, if you can without forcing it. [31:17]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

Are you ready for the third part of my series on the talking boundary? This one is all about a specific process from the work of Pia Mellody: the Talking Format. This strategy is a roadmap around how to share information with another person, and is ideal for challenging conversations. If you’ve ever found yourself struggling with how to express yourself effectively in a difficult interpersonal situation, don’t miss this episode!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #134: The Talking Format consists of three parts: Tell the other person about the data you observed to give a concrete example of the issue you’re raising. Explain what you thought, perceived, or made up based on the data. Share the emotions that you feel around the situation. When you’re using the Talking Format, make sure you have enough physical space to say what you want to say. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. The purpose of sharing is to be known and foster intimacy, not to blame, shame, control, criticize, or manipulate. If you become aware that your intention is to control or manipulate, you’re not yet ready to have the conversation.   Highlights from Episode #134: Welcome to the third and final part of Vicki’s series on the talking boundary! Check out the last two episodes if you haven’t yet heard part one one and part two of the series. [00:39] What is the Talking Format? Vicki shares the three basic steps. [03:45] Vicki offers an example to help illustrate how to use the technique she’s sharing today. [08:34] We learn more about how to use the Talking Format as part of the talking boundary. [12:22] When you’re sharing, remind yourself that you’re not blaming the other person. [15:39] You can approach a solution by expressing how you would prefer things to be. Vicki talks about how this might work in her example. [20:57] Vicki shares one last point about the Talking Format: it’s an actionable way to use the first step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [26:46]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops The Talking Format (handout referenced in this episode) Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #132 – She Said What?! Part I of A Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #133 – Speaking to Be Heard (Part 2 of a Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Pia Mellody  

If you haven’t heard last week’s episode yet, I recommend listening to that one too if you’re interested in this exploration of the talking boundary. In that episode, I covered what the talking boundary is, and what talking boundary violations look like. This time, I’ll move into what it looks like when you have a healthy, effective talking boundary. I’ll also share some questions to ask yourself to help ensure your talking boundary is in great shape.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #133: The first way to use a healthy talking boundary is to say what you would like or what you want, instead of saying what the other person did that you didn’t like. Another important way to use your talking boundary in a healthy way is to lead with agreement. Mastering your listening boundary will also help you develop a strong, healthy talking boundary. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you’re using the talking boundary:  Is the other person in a position to really hear me and take in what I’m saying? What response do I expect to get from this person? Do I need to speak my truth regardless of the response? Can I express what I want to say in a way that’s completely about me? Would it be better if I waited for 24 hours to say what I want to say?   Highlights from Episode #133: Did you catch last week’s episode? This one continues the exploration of the talking boundary that Vicki started then. [00:39] Vicki shares some thoughts on the question behind the question, “Are talking boundary violations verbal abuse?” [04:09] We learn the first way to use a healthy talking boundary, with Vicki offering an example from her own life. [07:27] Vicki offers some general questions to ask yourself before you speak. [13:07] It’s important to think of what your intention is before you express yourself, Vicki points out. [23:47] Leading with agreement is the second way to use a healthy talking boundary. [26:36] We learn about how one-word responses (or even silence) can work. [29:24] Vicki explains that mastering the listening boundary is the best way to strengthen your talking boundary. [32:15]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part I  Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39 – The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40 – The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses  Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #132 – She Said What?! Part I of A Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary

By special request, I’m doing a deeper dive into the talking boundary. I’ve mentioned this boundary in 25 episodes, but I’ve never gone into the level of depth that it deserves. When your talking boundary is functioning well, you express yourself in a healthy, relational way while sharing your authentic reality. You may be surprised by some examples of what talking boundary violations look like, so tune in to learn all about this important topic!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #132: The talking boundary is the mindful, healthy filter between your thoughts and your words. At the extremes, a person has no filter and they say whatever comes to mind—or they don’t share anything. We’re aiming for somewhere in the middle. “Unbridled self-expression,” as Terry Real calls it, is not an example of a functional talking boundary. Neither is erring on the side of being only nice or pleasant with your words, regardless of your true feelings. When we get activated or triggered, we can lose the filter between our thoughts and words, and start reacting instead of responding.   Highlights from Episode #132: Vicki explains the inspiration for this episode, and reveals that she’ll start by talking about the violations that fall under the talking boundary. [00:39] What is the talking boundary? [03:55] We learn about the healthy middle for the talking boundary. [07:17] Vicki digs into what the talking boundary is not, including why the idea that “if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all” can be problematic. [11:27] If someone doesn’t receive your words the way you intended, sometimes an outside opinion can be helpful. [16:10] Why is the talking boundary so challenging and complex? [18:03] Vicki shares many examples of talking boundary violations, including teasing another person and the silent treatment, among others. [20:44] Did this episode resonate with you, or remind you of yourself (or someone else)? If so, keep in mind that this is a challenging boundary. [34:27]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly boundaries clarifier workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #2 – What Good Boundaries Can Do For You + The 5 Types and 2 Functions of Boundaries Terry Real  

Right now, in the United States, trauma is speaking. Prejudice and racism wounds, and are potentially traumatizing to anyone who experiences them. But listening to another person’s trauma is a challenging thing to do, especially if we perceive that we may have played a part in their experience — even when remaining silent or looking away. Let’s talk about how to listen when trauma speaks. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #93: The listening boundary is the most challenging boundary for most of us. When we feel at fault or like we’re being blamed for trauma, it takes the listening boundary to a whole new level.  Prejudice and racism are spread very much like the coronavirus; people who appear not to be infected can infect quite a few people, and the results can be deadly. What has happened since Mr. Floyd’s death is the result of centuries of oppression, discrimination, and systemic, institutionalized racism. Notice any urges you have to defend, explain, or make the other person feel better. This is usually a sign that you’ve strayed into defensiveness.   Highlights from Episode #93: Vicki makes a clarification, then introduces today’s episode on how to listen when trauma speaks. [00:39] We hear Vicki’s thoughts on the use of the words “white” and “Black” to describe people. She then shares some of her own journey. [04:19] Despite having intentionally and actively worked against it, Vicki still counts herself as a product of the racial conditioning that she received as a child. [11:17] Vicki shares a jaw-dropping story about unaware racism. [18:03] Discomfort can make it difficult to listen when trauma speaks. [22:36] What’s the solution? How do we listen to another person’s trauma? Vicki offers some tips and advice, and emphasizes the importance of listening. [30:01] Vicki offers some observations about the way that white people try to make things better, but end up making them worse. [34:43] White people will never know what it feels like to be a person of color. Vicki invites white listeners to have curiosity, embrace humility, and to try to stay open to the reality that others may have very different life circumstances and experiences. [39:12]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Kenneth and Mamie Clark's Doll Experiments  Jane Elliott (Blue Eyes & Brown Eyes Exercise)  Toni Morrison Maya Angelou J. California Cooper Angela Davis Alice Walker Zora Neale Hurston Leon Waters Center for the Healing of Racism

We’ve all been there: you say “yes” to a request or accept an invitation, then realize that it just doesn’t work for you. But are you allowed to change your mind even if you’ve already said yes? As counterintuitive as it might feel, the short answer is that you always have the right to change your mind. And if you think your situation is an exception to that rule, then this episode is for you!    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #130: You always have a right to change your mind, no matter what. This may not always be easy to do, but you have a right to do so every single time. If you’ve agreed to a request and now regret your answer and want to change it, you’re free to say something like, “I need to let you know that the agreement that I made with you no longer works for me.” When you’re renegotiating an agreement or changing a “yes” to a “no,” avoid accusations, judgments, or language like “that’s ridiculous.” This isn’t helpful and won’t bring you more connection.   Highlights from Episode #130: Welcome to the show! Vicki shares a big milestone for the podcast, and talks about the next Boundaries Clarifier Workshop, which is coming up on April 27th. [00:39] We hear about the topic of today’s episode, which was inspired by a listener’s question. [02:23] Do you have the right to change your mind if you’ve already said yes to something? [07:23] Vicki reviews what it means to make a request, and relates this to the listener’s question. [09:31] We learn why “I felt like I had no choice” is technically an inaccurate statement, and why that’s so important. [13:19] What do you do when you’ve agreed to do something and regret your choice? [16:06] After you say that you can no longer do what you agreed to, stop talking. [20:28] Vicki discusses what to do if the person you’re talking to tries to change the subject when you tell them that you’ve changed your mind. [23:59]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #24 – The Politician (No, Not That One)

If you’ve ever encountered someone whose sexual energy seems like it’s just spilling out all around them, you already have an idea of what “leaky sexual energy” is. While it can be hard to pinpoint or define (and isn’t based simply on what clothes someone is wearing), you’ll generally be able to sense it when someone has leaky sexual energy. Tune in to learn more!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #129: Boundaries have two functions: protecting yourself (and/or other people), and defining yourself physically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally. In other words, the way a person presents themselves physically is an example of their boundaries. If a person has leaky sexual energy, they aren’t managing or "containing" their sexual energy in a healthy way. Keep in mind that your perception of someone else’s sexual energy is exactly that: your perception. As with any other thought or perception, I invite you to be curious about it.   Highlights from Episode #129: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, in which she’ll talk about leaky sexual energy. To start off, she defines the two functions of boundaries. [00:39] We learn what Vicki means when she says that the way someone presents themselves is an example of their boundaries. [04:18] “Leaky sexual energy” means that someone’s sexual energy is spilling out or radiating from them in a very overt way. [05:38] If someone wears a certain type of clothing, does this necessarily mean that they have leaky sexual energy? [08:48] Vicki talks about perceptions of sexual energy, then gives an example of people seeing sexual energy where it wasn’t intended. [11:16] We hear another example, this time about Vicki herself. [14:58] Vicki points out that we don’t get to just easily put the label of “leaky sexual energy” on someone based on the clothing they’re wearing. [17:19]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #51 – Intuitives, Empaths & The Personal Energy Boundary

Did you know that tuning into your body is a brilliant source of information about you and your emotions? It can even help you learn about the boundaries you may want to set. The first step is to notice when you feel emotions in your body, and then start identifying which physical sensations track to which emotions for you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #128: Once you’ve noticed the signals from your body, you get to interpret them. You can download this emotions chart based on Pia Mellody’s work for some guidance. Anger, fear, emotional pain, love, and shame are some of the most common emotions, and they’re a great place to start as you’re figuring out how you physically feel emotions. If you feel anger or fear, you may need to set a boundary or express a limit. Pay attention to what your body is telling you, and ask yourself whether a boundary would fit the situation. Next time you have a noticeable physical reaction to an experience, take a moment to identify your sensations. From there, assess what emotions are connected to those sensations.   Highlights from Episode #128: Welcome to today’s episode! We learn about today’s topic, which has to do with bodies and boundaries (but maybe not in the way you expect). [00:39] What does it mean to tune into your body as a source of information? [03:04] Vicki offers some examples of what different emotions might feel like in your body. [06:56] We hear about some potential sensations for emotional pain, love, and shame. [09:32] Anger and fear often come up in situations where we need to set a boundary or limit, Vicki explains. [12:21] What does it mean if you feel a visceral aversion to someone or something? [15:29] Vicki recommends what to do next time you have a physical sensation in response to an interaction or experience. [18:44]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Pia Mellody Emotions chart based on Pia Mellody’s work Silvan Tomkins

From time to time, everyone struggles with biting the bait. And usually the people we feel most baited by are the people we care about the most. But there’s really no benefit to biting the bait, especially if we want to stay connected. Today, I’ll dig into what exactly bait is, and share 11 ways to avoid biting it. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #95: The dictionary definition of bait causes us to focus on the wrong thing in interpersonal reactions: the other person’s intent. Instead, think of bait as your internal experience to what another person says or does (or doesn’t say or do). The eight phrases that I shared in my episode on how to keep the peace during the holidays all work when you’re feeling baited. A fantastic all-purpose response is to simply say, “I hear you.”  A helpful response when you’re feeling baited is to repeat the other person’s statement or question. Another option is to amplify what the other person said if it was negative. Finally, humor can be one of the most effective strategies for dealing with bait.   Highlights from Episode #95: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is all about how not to bite the bait. [00:39] We hear about Vicki’s upcoming special live event for podcast listeners. There, she’ll answer previous questions from listeners. [03:24] What is bait? Vicki explains why the dictionary definition is problematic in this context. [04:45] Vicki digs into the benefits of focusing on being baited as your own experience instead of someone else’s intention. [10:32] We hear about the first few of 11 potential responses to use when you feel baited. [13:47] Vicki shares the rest of the potential responses, including a standalone “ouch.” [18:47] Vicki adds three more tools, specifically for when you’re feeling baited. [23:51] We hear a quick recap of the 11 ways that you can respond when you’re feeling baited. [32:39]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Clarity Circle  Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #74: 8 Phrases to Help You Keep the Peace During the Holidays Laura Doyle

The next monthly boundaries clarifier workshop is coming up next Tuesday, March 23, 2021! Bring an issue or boundary, and we’ll all work on it together by using the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. But let’s get onto today’s topic: your responses to boundary issues and why self-care can be a far better choice than consequences. In fact, whenever you experience a boundary violation, I’d like to invite you to start by thinking about self-care. How can you get your needs met while taking care of yourself and your feelings?   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #126: It’s common to think about “consequences” (or even punishment) for broken agreements or boundary violations. But it can be more effective to think of your response to a broken agreement in terms of self-care instead. Imagine yourself in a scenario in which someone has violated an agreement or boundary. (My example is someone forgetting about shared plans, but you can use a different scenario if you prefer.) What would self-care look like in this scenario? What would “consequences” look like? How do those options feel different as you sit with them? When we want to be respectful and relational with another adult, there’s no place for punishments—even for broken agreements. If you try, you may even find yourself with an emotional hangover!   Highlights from Episode #126: Vicki welcomes listeners to episode 126, which is all about your consequences! Are they punishment or self-care? [00:39] We learn about the three most common ways to think about responding to boundary violations: consequences, punishment, or self-care. [03:15] Vicki offers a specific example to demonstrate what she means about responding with self-care. [05:25] In a scenario like Vicki has described, you might feel angry or hurt. She then talks about what self-care might look like in this case. [09:26] In that same scenario, thinking about consequences feels different. [12:46] Vicki talks about another example, this time demonstrating how consequences may not be helpful. [14:52] We learn about outright punishments, which have no place [16:37] When you’re thinking about how to respond to a boundary problem or violation, start with self-care. [18:17] Remember to come to the next boundaries clarifier workshop next Tuesday, March 23! [19:36]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

In case you haven’t already heard, I’m holding monthly boundaries clarifier workshops. At these events, we walk through the first four steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Today’s episode was inspired by something that came up in the very first of these workshops: Step 3 (Identifying Your Power Center) is challenging for a lot of people. That’s why today’s episode is all about this step of the process, and how to decide between your four options. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #125: Identifying your power center is incredibly important. Getting it wrong can lead you to think that you don’t have the power to create your desired outcome, or you might believe that you have more power than you actually do. Even when you don’t have the power to create the outcome that you want, this doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. But keep in mind that “I want you to change” isn’t an option for an outcome. You have four options to decide between in terms of your ability to create the outcome you want: 1. I have the power, 2. I need to ask for help, 3. I need to make a request, or 4. I am powerless.  Making a request is often not the best option. If you’re an enthusiastic request-maker, ask yourself whether there’s another way to get your needs met before making a request. (If you tend not to ever make requests or as, this advice isn’t for you!)   Highlights from Episode #125: Welcome to the episode! We hear that today’s episode involves a deep dive into Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [00:39] Vicki reviews the first two steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. [06:21] We hear the four options for your answers to Step 3, and Vicki shares an example to clarify how these options work. [09:28] The first option is “I have the power to create the outcome I want.” Vicki explores this one in more depth. [11:34] Vicki invites listeners to think of situations where you’ve been recurrently irritated by someone else’s behavior, and points out the problem with prioritizing others’ negative thinking. [20:49] We hear an example from Vicki’s life about how asking someone to change didn’t work, and learn what she does instead. [25:05] We learn about the second option: “I need to ask for help.” [26:50] Vicki talks about the third option: needing to make a request. She explains why it’s potentially problematic and might not be the best way to get the outcome you want. [29:01] There are definitely times when you need to make a request. We hear a few examples. [37:26] The fourth and final option is to acknowledge that you can’t create the outcome that you want: I am powerless. [41:31] Vicki explores an important caveat about choosing the fourth option. [46:23]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #12 – Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #124 – Repeat After Me: I Am Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings!

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. This may feel hard to believe if you tend to immediately feel responsible and guilty when someone is upset with you (as many of us do!). Tune in to learn how to navigate situations where someone else is blaming you for their reaction or feelings, and why it’s so dangerous to believe that we are responsible.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #124: When you find yourself starting to take on the blame for someone being upset with you, start by asking yourself, “is it true that whenever someone is upset with me, I did something wrong?” Can you think of even one exception? Here’s a script you can use if you know that you tend to take on the blame when someone is upset with you: “Thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I need to take a couple hours (or minutes, or days) to think about what you shared, and then I’ll get back to you.” During the time you’re taking to think over the topic, assess whether you’re responsible for their feelings. Did you violate their boundaries in any way? Were you rude? Did you curse or call them names? Did you act in an offensive way? Is there another possible response that they might have had? Asking these questions will help you get clarity on whether you believe you’re responsible.   Highlights from Episode #124: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, which is all about emphasizing that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. [00:39] We hear why Vicki is focusing on this topic today. [03:10] There are consequences and distorted beliefs that arise from thinking we’re responsible, Vicki explains. [08:14] Vicki shares a question to ask yourself when you’re in this situation, and shares an example from her own life. [10:46] We hear more advice on how to manage someone trying to hand you the blame for their feelings. [16:10] Doing the kind of inner exploration that Vicki has described will help you learn to be more objective in emotional situations. [21:50] Vicki offers examples of how your thoughts can lead to various responses to the same situation. [24:23]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part 1 Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39 – The Listening Boundary Part 2 Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40 – The Listening Boundary Part 3

At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #123: At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU. If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to. Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence. When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world. Highlights from Episode #123: Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39] Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51] Let’s talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54] Why should we embrace the fact that it’s okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23] Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37] We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01] Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20] We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09] Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information

Lately, I’ve been focusing on the theme of “return to you.” And getting caught up in the belief that what other people do is about you can get in the way of returning to, or knowing, yourself. So I’d like to dedicate this episode to exploring the fact that what other people do is in fact about them, not you. If that idea sounds counterintuitive or hard to believe, I hope this episode will help explain why I believe so strongly that it’s true. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #122: While the title is just about what other people do, this also applies to what other people think, say, or feel. All of this is completely about them. Most of us struggle with understanding that it’s not about us—especially if the other person claims that it is. If you get this wrong and think that these things are about you, you’ll probably try to change. But this doesn’t work, no matter how much you try to twist or morph yourself into somebody else.   Highlights from Episode #122: Welcome to today’s episode, which is all about the fact that what other people do is all about them. [00:39] Vicki talks about the struggle of believing that it’s about us, not the other person. She then shares examples to explain how this relates to boundaries. [02:41] We hear about a presentation that Vicki gave, and why she doesn’t believe in rejection. [06:22] Why is all of this so important? [09:26] Another danger of believing that it is about you is that you’re saying that you’re essentially a god or goddess, Vicki points out. [12:12] Vicki explains that this concept is at the root of a lot of challenges and misunderstandings about boundaries. [15:03] In case you missed the previous announcements, Vicki has brand new monthly boundaries clarifier workshops! [17:25]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly boundaries clarifier workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

Sooner or later, every single one of us will feel manipulated by someone. That’s why this episode is for you, even if you don’t specifically have a grandmother who’s pushing your limits. Today I’ll cover some strategies to help you find solutions in these situations. One point that I can’t emphasize enough is how important it is to focus on what you want, instead of what you don’t like. Tune in to learn more, so you’ll be prepared next time you’re feeling manipulated.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #121: When you’re focusing on something you don’t want, it’s vital to know what you do want instead. Many of us struggle with developing this skill, but it’s definitely worth practicing. Just thinking about the solution can actually help you feel better! It’s helpful to start by viewing what you’re thinking (or making up) as a possibility, rather than the absolute Truth.  No one has the power to make you do anything. You are in control of what you do, say, and think. When you approach interactions with this knowledge and a plan for how to respond, you’ll be better prepared in any situation.   Highlights from Episode #121: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, and mentions her upcoming live monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops starting Tuesday, February 23, 2021. [00:39] We hear the listener question that inspired this episode. [03:32] Does Vicki think that the listener is being controlling? [04:50] Vicki digs further into the scenario around the question that inspired today’s episode, which relates to the listening boundary. [08:23] Vicki shares a specific example of how her advice can apply in this situation. She also points out the difference between a statement and an invitation. [11:40] We learn about one of the potential solutions to this situation, and why it can be a trap. [14:39] Why not just make a request that the grandmother to go through the listener to spend time with her daughter? Vicki explains why this may not be the best option. [18:21]   Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

In case you missed it last time, I have an exciting announcement! Next month (February 2021), I’ll be starting a brand new event: a monthly live, interactive boundary clarifier workshop. Sign up here to be the first to get updates! If someone is doing something that you don’t like in any of your relationships, this episode is for you. You may remember Episode 71, when I talked about the man cave. In response to that episode, I got a fascinating listener question, and that’s what I’ll be addressing today. And while your situation may not be exactly the same as the listener’s, I think you’ll find something to relate to in her question and my answer.    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #120: Even during the pandemic, today’s topic is still relevant. You can miss someone and feel lonely even when you’re together—for example, if your partner is glued to their phone all the time. When we’re experiencing something unpleasant with another person, we tend to focus on the unpleasant experience or the other person’s behavior. But the only place to start is to return to yourself instead of focusing on the other person. With an outside-in focus, you’re focused on your partner, someone else, or something happening to you. Problematically, this means the only solution is to get the other person to change. On the other hand, an inside-out focus starts with you. You must start building the capacity to see when you’re getting what you want. This isn’t as simple as it sounds! Today’s listener question is a perfect example of this.   Highlights from Episode #120: Welcome to the show! Vicki takes a moment to chat about her upcoming monthly boundary workshops. [00:39] Do you remember Episode 71, when Vicki talked about the man cave? Today’s episode responds to a listener’s question about that episode. [01:42] We hear the listener question that inspired this episode, which involves the “man cave” being in the bar rather than the house. [04:56] Vicki explains the first thing that pops out to her in this question: it involves a lot of the listener’s partner, and not much about the listener herself. [08:35] Questions about the other person are distractions from the most important questions, which are about you. [12:07] What do you do when you just don’t like how someone is showing up (or not)? [16:11] Vicki offers her advice for anyone who wants something more from a partner or spouse. [20:18] We learn about one of the dangers of wanting to become happier in a relationship. [25:34] To get more of what you want, notice and appreciate it when you get it—and ignore the things you don’t want more of. [29:28] Vicki answers the listener’s question about whether she should stay in her own lane and find her own activities. [33:48] We hear a quick recap of the takeaways from today’s episode. [38:22]   Links and Resources: Sign up for updates about Vicki’s monthly boundary workshops beginning February 2021 Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #71 – Men, Requests, & The Man Cave Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #102 – Should I Make a Request or Express a Desire? (For Women) Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray Laura Doyle

There's been a lot of talk recently about free speech—specifically, news stories about a somewhat infamous media figure who was banned from several major social media sites. It got me to thinking about the limits of free speech, which is all about boundaries. In this episode I'll talk about why boundaries have a lot to do with free speech, as well as how freedom of speech operates in both physical and virtual space. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #28: Although each of us is free to say or do whatever we want, freedom to do what we want also comes with certain consequences—positive, neutral, or negative. Boundaries create limits, but they also create space. The amount of space a boundary creates has a lot to do with the limit that is created. For example, if you put a fence around your property, you’re creating a clear limit, but you’re also creating more private space that can only be accessed by you. Free speech is determined by who controls the space where speech occurs. Whoever owns or controls a space gets to decide what the limits are. This is true whether it’s a physical space (such as your house or a business’ office) or a virtual space (such as a social media site, website, or blog). It’s not anyone's responsibility to provide a platform or vehicle for another person to get information they want. For example, if you're following someone on Twitter and they get banned because of Twitter's boundaries, Twitter is not responsible for providing you a platform to connect with the person they banned. Today, just about anyone with a small amount of resources and money can create their own virtual space, which makes giving and getting information freely far more accessible than at any other time in human history.   Highlights from Episode #28: We hear about the topic of today’s episode, as well as the inspiration for it. [00:48] Vicki reads the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution for listeners who may need a refresher. She then digs into the topic of consequences. [03:11] Boundaries not only create limits; they also create space. Vicki explores this concept, then links it to the concept of free speech. [07:32] Vicki gives examples of what it means for people who own a particular physical or virtual space to make decisions about who and how others are permitted to express themselves in those spaces. [12:04] We learn how the concepts Vicki has been exploring relate to virtual space. [16:51] Vicki points out that just about anyone with some resources can create their own virtual space to say whatever they want to say. [22:03] There are some environments that are truly oppressive in terms of what they allow people to say or express, and when you encounter one of those, it's probably best to find another community or environment that allow you greater freedom of expression. [24:40]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier US Bill of Rights

Before we get into the main part of this episode, I have a big announcement! Starting in February, I’ll be offering monthly workshops to support you as you work your way through the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. Sign up for workshop updates and more details using this link! The idea of calibration is a hugely important one when you’re doing boundary work. This scale for what is standard or normal affects so many parts of our lives, from our initial reactions to people all the way to who we choose to date or to partner with. But just because you’re calibrated in a certain way regarding boundaries, it doesn’t mean you’re fated to stay there forever. You can change your calibration in a positive way, and this episode will help you get started.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #118: The calibration we receive as children has many consequences over our lives. We are calibrated by our family around our own boundaries. For example, if we grow up in a boundary-less family, that will feel like "the norm" or standard to us. The way in which we are calibrated largely determines the people who we are attracted to, as well as the people who we feel repelled by. This explains why people often partner with people who are similar to their parents. Calibration isn’t static, and it can change. If you grew up in a family on the boundary-less end of the continuum and struggle to set boundaries with people, you can actively start to work on your boundaries. Calibration can change in the other direction too, with us becoming desensitized over time.   Highlights from Episode #118: Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and wishes everyone a happy New Year! She then shares the exciting announcement that she hinted at in the last episode of 2020. [00:39] Today’s episode is about calibration, Vicki explains, and chats about what that means. [03:32] We learn that there are three reasons why we’re generally most impressionable (in terms of calibration) when we’re children. [07:38] Vicki gives an overview of how calibration relates to boundaries in terms of standards. [10:01] How you’re calibrated can affect how you react to people, Vicki explains. [14:49] We hear some good news and some bad news about calibration. [20:46] How do you change your calibration in a positive way once you become aware of it? [24:55] Vicki talks about some simple ways for how to shift from being boundary-less to the healthy middle. [29:08]   Links and Resources: Sign up for updates about Vicki’s monthly boundary workshops beginning February 2021 Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

Happy holidays! This is the final episode for this year, but I’ll have some exciting news exclusively for listeners next year, and I’m looking forward to sharing that with you. For now, let’s talk about the connecting power of boundaries—because they do actually create connection, despite their bad reputation! I’d also like to invite you to reflect on the ways that you want to be more in alignment with yourself, which is one of the best ways to create more connection with others.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #117: There’s a misconception that boundaries are harsh or rigid, or that they create disconnection. This bad rap usually comes from the people who are on the receiving end! Boundaries can actually lead to connection, sometimes in surprising ways. Setting boundaries with ourselves in terms of how we respond is one of the ways that boundaries can help us connect. When you create a limit with another person and they honor your boundary, that actually creates connection. This can happen in a parent/adult child relationship or even with your significant other. Even saying “no” to a request can be a connecting experience, as long as that is your authentic response.   Highlights from Episode #117: Welcome to the show! Vicki wishes listeners happy holidays, and explains that she’ll be taking some time off for self-care. [00:39] You have a right to create whatever boundary you need to create, Vicki points out. [03:27] Vicki shares a few of the ways that boundaries can create connection. [06:21] If you’re struggling to wrap your head around how honoring a boundary creates connection, think back to a time when someone tried to push the limit or ignored your boundary. [10:58] We learn about how making or receiving a request can be a connecting experience. [13:06] Vicki shares one last example of how limits can help us create connection. [15:22] We hear a recap of the four examples that Vicki has shared today. [18:41]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #6 – What to Expect When You Set Boundaries (+Non-Negotiable Boundaries)

People tend to see their situations as special or unique, when in reality, that’s not the case most of the time. But we often get tripped up around exceptionalism when it comes to our boundaries. There are two common “unique snowflake” traps that we all fall into, and I’ll dig into both of them today. Remember that even though your situation may feel exceptional, the principles of the boundary work involved are the same.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #116: The “unique snowflake trap” is the belief that there’s something unique about your situation that makes your boundary challenge or question unique or different from the standard principles. A common example of this is believing that boundaries are different with different people. In fact, boundaries with family members work exactly the same way as they do with other people. You still get to decide how you want to respond. Another common example sounds something like, “You just don’t understand. This person is different.” While this may feel true, the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier still works for this situation.   Highlights from Episode #116: Vicki welcomes listeners to Episode 116, which will be about snowflakes and boundaries. We start off by learning about the history of the term “snowflake.” [00:39] We hear about the “unique snowflake trap,” which is one of the common things that trips people up around creating boundaries. [03:43] Vicki discusses whether boundaries are different depending on the role that different people have in your life. [05:02] You can decide that it’s okay with you if someone has a right to your body, but no one else gets to decide that for you. This illustrates Vicki’s point around family boundaries. [08:32] The second “unique snowflake” dynamic that Vicki talks about is some variation on “you just don’t understand; this person is different/an exception.” [09:49] Vicki digs into how the “unique snowflake” trap relates to the belief that getting someone else to change is the way to be happier or get our needs met. [13:56]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Sorry Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club Did Not Invent the Alt-Right's Favorite Insult, Matt Miller, January 30, 2017 Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

When you get triggered, is the person who you got triggered by responsible? And what does this have to do with boundaries? Today’s episode will dig into these important questions. If you’re a long-time listener, you may have guessed that triggers are related to the listening boundary, which is the most difficult of the four primary boundaries. Tune in to learn about triggers, boundaries, and how to respond when you feel triggered. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #78: Triggers are individual and unique to each person, and the possible ways to be triggered are almost endless. Thoughts create emotions, but emotions can also create thoughts. Each of us has emotions just underneath the surface waiting for something in the external world that will activate or stimulate them. You have a right to your opinion, to express yourself, and to ask someone to do something differently if you’re triggered. However, the other person isn’t responsible for your trigger, and they aren’t obligated to change so you won’t be triggered. When you get triggered and want to critique the other person, ask yourself what is your intention. Often, it’s to be right, to shame the other person, and/or to prove them uninformed or ignorant. Highlights from Episode #78: Welcome to Episode 78, where we’ll cover the question of whether someone else is responsible if you get triggered. Vicki takes a moment to clarify what she means by “triggers.” [00:39] Vicki addresses how triggers are related to boundaries, specifically the listening boundary. She then explains why she has been reluctant to talk about this question of triggers, and why she’s covering it now. [07:39] We hear about a conversation that Vicki had with her publisher related to using the word “bitchy,” and a seemingly hypocritical decision that could have been a trigger, but wasn't. [10:29] When we get triggered (like by one of the words Vicki has been talking about), who is responsible? Vicki then talks about the idea in that currently in the US there is a lot of external pressure to hold certain attitudes or to be educated in specific ways in order to be accepted or considered "woke." [19:06] You have a right to your opinion and to ask people to do things differently. [22:40] Triggers aren’t universal; they’re unique to each person and even situation. Vicki offers examples to clarify. [24:09] Vicki offers specific advice for what to do when you feel triggered and want to critique the other person. [28:36] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Clarity Circle Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins M.D. Ph.D Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 32: Boundaries Quick Tips #1: So, You’re Offended? Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 19: When They Go Low… We Go Lower

Happy Thanksgiving! This episode is coming out just in time to help you navigate the complexities of holidays in the time of COVID-19 (although the points about safety are always relevant). As we explore this new complex landscape, let's take some time to talk about boundaries, agreements, and the freedom to choose.    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #114: When you hear words like “let” or “made” (in the sense of “making” someone do something), they often indicate that the person using them doesn’t fully understand how boundaries work. If you make a request and someone else freely agrees, no one is being “made” to do anything. And the act of making a request isn’t controlling, because it recognizes the freedom that the other person has to make their own decisions. During the pandemic, we’re faced with many dilemmas as we navigate what to do based on what the people around us are doing (or not doing).  Remember that you get to decide what’s best for you, and for the people in your care. Other people also get to decide what’s best for them, including requiring that you get tested before you come to their house.   Highlights from Episode #114: Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode was inspired by a listener’s question about how to  apply boundaries around different perceptions of safety regarding COVID-19. [00:39] Vicki responds to the listener, complimenting her boundary work and pointing out that parents are responsible for their children’s safety. [04:25] We hear about where the listener’s question becomes a little bit confusing—and why her opportunity to negotiate boundaries will go on for years or decades. [13:18] Vicki explores one of the most challenging parts of boundaries during COVID-19, and returns to addressing questions of freedom and control. [17:03] You are the decider for what is best for you and the people in your care. [22:38]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there’s not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what’s the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #113: At this time, it’s normal to feel exhausted or depleted. When you feel like quitting something that has brought you joy or will bring you joy in the future, take the time to find ways to rest rather than quit. Quitting may look like anything from not putting up a tree or holiday decorations this year, dropping out of school, or leaving a relationship.  What’s causing you to want to quit? That may be the thing that you need to take a rest from. This may be watching the news—or even spending too much time thinking about things that put you in a state of fear. It can be valuable to let yourself consider quitting, or envision what quitting would look like, because this may help point you to how you can rest instead of quit.   Highlights from Episode #113: Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and introduces today’s topic, which was inspired by a workshop she attended last week. She then offers some valuable advice about Zoom meetings. [00:39] We hear about Vicki’s sense of witnessing collective exhaustion and impatience, and how that relates to this episode. [05:45] Vicki offers some examples of what it looks like to rest rather than quit, ranging from quitting school to leaving a relationship. [10:55] We often keep relationships going in our minds even after they’re over. Vicki gives a recommendation about getting in alignment with what you truly want. [19:12] The most tragic example of choosing quitting over resting is the decision to take one’s own life. If you’re feeling this way, please find someone to talk to right now. At a minimum, figure out how to take a rest to see if there’s another option for you. [22:49] Vicki shares some final words of advice on why it’s so important to find ways to rest. [27:40]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Byron Katie’s The Work

Have you ever disliked the spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, or date of someone you’re close to? Or wondered what your friend or relative sees in that person? Most of us have been there, struggling to understand how someone we care about can fall for (or even seem bewitched by) someone who we find deeply off-putting. Tune in to learn some important questions to ask yourself when you’re in this situation.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #112: It’s not uncommon to hear someone say that another person's partner (often a man’s wife or girlfriend) “made him” or “wouldn’t let him” do something. This is a distortion, and disempowering to the person you’re talking about. Almost always, they’re freely choosing to do whatever they're doing. If you think someone is being uncharacteristically submissive in a relationship, ask yourself whose business that is. Some people don’t mind—or even really like—to be submissive in a relationship. When your friend or loved one is involved with someone truly dangerous or toxic, it’s appropriate to express your concern and support. You can try this script: “I love you, I’m really concerned about you, I want the best for you, and I want to maintain a connection with you. Is there anything I can do to support you?”   Highlights from Episode #112: Welcome back to the show! Vicki shares the listener question that inspired this episode. [00:39] Vicki talks more about the implications of being “submissive,” and some questions to ask yourself if you see someone as being submissive in a relationship. [07:00] Are you being respectful of someone you care about if you’re not respectful of their choices? And how will that help you maintain connection? [11:04] Vicki shares one last question on this topic: “Is the way that I’m showing up in this situation truly loving?” [13:53] We hear about the exception, when someone is truly toxic. [16:36] Vicki offers listeners a script to use or adapt if someone you care about is involved with someone toxic or dangerous. [21:31] Vicki recaps the points that she’s covered today, including [24:30]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Domestic Violence Hotline - or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

If you’ve ever gotten into an argument with someone else about the reality of a certain situation, or what “really happened,” this episode is for you. The fact is that your reality is what is true for you in the moment, and someone else having a different reality doesn’t mean that yours, or theirs, is either “correct” or “wrong.” Tune in to learn why it’s okay to disagree about reality, and why (as Terry Real says) there is no place for objective reality in relationships.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #111: It’s very common for two people to experience the same situation or event very differently, and come away with different thoughts, emotions, or experiences. In the end, your reality is the only reality that you truly need—and it’s the only one you can have. This doesn’t mean that another person’s reality doesn’t matter, but you don’t need to come to an agreement about which one is “true” or “correct.” In a relationship, two people can share their realities with each other, and may or may not come to an understanding. But it’s not always necessary (or possible) to agree on what reality is. If you have a high need to agree about what happened, invite yourself to explore what comes up for you when you and your spouse see things in a fundamentally different way.   Highlights from Episode #111: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which was inspired by several questions from a listener about coming to an understanding about reality.  [00:39] We hear the highlights and relevant questions that inspired this episode, which came in response to Vicki’s story from Episode #18 of the podcast. [04:09] Two people can have very different experiences of the same event, Vicki points out. [08:04] What exactly is reality? Vicki digs into the topic, and explores why reality is so subjective. [12:41] Vicki shares an example to explain her point about different realities. [16:20] There’s only one reality for you in any given moment: your reality. [20:29]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #18 – The Knife & The Spatula: Knowing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love by Terry Real

I’ve definitely felt left out, forgotten, or excluded… and I’m guessing you have, too. This episode, which was inspired by a listener’s question, is about what to do when you feel that way. I’ll do things a little differently this time! Using the question as a foundation, I’ll walk you through the 5-Step Boundary Solution Process. (Follow along with the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier.)   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #110: Trying to figure out the “why” of someone who makes you feel left out is generally a distraction and a waste of time. You can only get the answer by asking them, and they may or may not tell the truth. There are two options for how to stop the sort of situation that the listener has described: try to get the other person to change, or make your own changes. People don’t “make” us feel left out (or anything else). Instead, it’s our own thoughts about the data that make us feel a certain way. In this situation of feeling left out, you have two options for taking action: limit or stop contact with the person/people involved, or make a specific request of them.   Highlights from Episode #110: Welcome to Episode #110! Vicki talks about the feeling of being left out, which is something we all go through. [00:39] We hear the listener’s question that inspired this episode, as well as a quick recap of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. [03:30] Vicki talks about how the first step of the process applies to this situation. [07:50] We hear how the second step works in Vicki’s example of feeling left out. [14:33] The third step is to identify your power center. Vicki explains which of the four options fit. [17:27] Vicki points out that the listener who asked today’s question has the power to make this situation stop. [26:40] The fourth step is to take action based on what we’ve discovered. Vicki goes into depth about how this could work in this situation. [28:39] Vicki chats about the fifth step, which is evaluating your results. [35:43] We hear a quick recap of the points that Vicki has covered in today’s episode. [38:24]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook 7 Invitations | Introduction to The Radiant Threefold Path Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Byron Katie’s The Work Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

The reality is that we violate other people’s boundaries all the time, and tell ourselves that we have a right to do it. But is that true? Is it ever okay to violate someone else’s boundaries? You may already know the answer as soon as you hear the question, but there are a lot of nuances to this complex topic, so we’ll take a deep dive into it.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #109: If you have an agreement with another person about something that’s usually a boundary, such as an open phone policy between partners, it’s not a boundary violation. Each of us has a right to our bodies and our physical belongings (such as our phones, computers, or journals). We cannot control other people. If you try to control another person, you damage connection and intimacy. If you’re tempted to violate someone’s boundaries, be honest with yourself about what you’re really concerned about. Remember that other people are free to make their own choices—even if they are poor, unhealthy, or self-destructive choices. How will your intrusion into their circle of control be helpful to your relationship with them? When you have the power to protect yourself, do it! But if something you need or want relies on another person changing their behavior, you don’t have control over that.   Highlights from Episode #109: Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and shares the question at the heart of today’s episode: is it ever okay to violate another person’s boundaries? [00:39] We get a refresher on what boundary violations and ruptures are, with a few examples. [05:55] The listener question that inspired this episode relates to the physical boundary, Vicki explains. She then shares examples of times when we might be tempted to violate boundaries. [11:26] What do you do if you’re tempted to violate another person’s boundaries? [15:50] We often focus on trying to get more information, instead of what we can do to protect ourselves, Vicki explains. She then shares another consideration to take into account when you’re tempted to violate a boundary. [20:12] Vicki suggests a few questions to ask yourself when tempted to violate a boundary. [23:13] We all end up violating another person’s boundaries from time to time. However, there’s a cost to intimacy when we do that. [27:27]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #3 – Boundaries in Balance (and at the Extremes) + Boundary Ruptures and Boundary Violations Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #19 – When They Go Low… We Go Lower Pia Mellody

We’ve all been there: you’ve said “yes” to something, and then later changed your mind or realized that it’s not a fit for you. So what do you do? Are you obligated to follow through with your initial answer, or are you allowed to change your mind? (If you’ve read the title of the episode, you already know the answer!) Let’s talk about how to handle this situation, and how to navigate it gracefully. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #108: While this episode was inspired by a question about wedding invitations, the answer applies to all sorts of topics. You might experience this desire to shift from a “yes” to a “no” after saying you would help someone with something, or go to dinner, an event, or someone’s house, for example. You always get to change your mind. However, there may be consequences. People will have their feelings about your choice to change your mind or not follow through. Would you rather feel briefly uncomfortable by changing your “yes” to a “no,” or would you rather spend time following through with something that you don't want to do and then feel resentful? Often, a huge amount of relief follows changing your answer to “no.”   Highlights from Episode #108: Welcome to the show! Today’s episode will be all about what to do when you’ve changed your mind. [00:39] Vicki shares a story that’s particularly relevant to the question that inspired this episode. [03:04] We hear a suggestion for what the listener could say in her situation. [04:31] If you’re thinking Vicki’s advice on changing your mind doesn’t apply to your situation, she clarifies how it does apply and might play out. [08:16] You could offer an alternative, Vicki points out. [10:33] Vicki recommends going back to Episode 1 and starting from there if you’re new to the podcast and want to learn more about creating healthy, effective boundaries. [11:01]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy Podcast on Spotify

So many people struggle to speak up or make a request to get their needs or wants met, so I tell you all the time that you can ask anyone for anything. But just as you have the freedom to ask, the other person has the freedom to say “no” if they so choose. (They can also say “yes” or negotiate a different agreement with you.) An email I received recently is a perfect example of both this freedom to ask, and the freedom to decline. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #107: It’s better to ask and get a “no” than to just not ask. Often, people will even be happy or excited to be able to do something for you. When you ask someone for something, the other person is completely free to say either “yes” or “no”—or to negotiate another agreement. A recent email inspired this episode, and gives me the opportunity to demonstrate how to receive a request and how to say “no” if the request doesn't work for you. Highlights from Episode #107: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and explains the inspiration for today’s topic. [00:39] We hear about the three possible answers that someone can give when you make a request. [02:41] Vicki reads the email that she received recently that inspired this episode. [04:10] We hear a quick aside from Vicki to clarify that she absolutely wants women to respect and honor themselves before she continues to read the email. [09:13] Vicki completely agrees about the negativity of certain demeaning words, she explains. However, the name of the podcast is not at all the equivalent of calling women the B-word. [10:13] The name of the podcast was inspired by a quote that Vicki saw in 2015. [11:31] Vicki reiterates that you can ask for anything. In the case of the email request she received, the answer is “thank you for your feedback, and no. I wish you all the best.” [13:43]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Blush

Have you ever felt disrespected by what someone chose to wear (or not wear) around you, your romantic partner, or other loved ones? And what should you do when someone else’s attire makes you feel uncomfortable? The sometimes-difficult truth is that you don’t control what other people wear, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any options. Tune in to learn about your choices in this situation, and what’s within your circle of control.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #106: We have complete power over the limits that we are able to create for ourselves. For example, if you decide that you want to live separately from another person, the only way to guarantee that will happen is for you to move somewhere else. If something requires the participation of another person, it’s not generally within your circle of control. The only power that you have to change another person’s behavior or get them to do something is to make a request. That other person then needs to agree to your request. As hard as it can be to accept, the way someone else dresses is completely up to that person. If you’re uncomfortable with how someone else is dressed, there are two basic things you can do. You can change what you do with regard to this person, or you can make a request.   Highlights from Episode #106: Welcome to this episode! Vicki introduces what today’s topic will be, and invites listeners to join her free live virtual event. [00:39] We hear the email that Vicki received that inspired the topic of this episode. [01:50] Vicki reviews some of the basics of how boundaries work. [05:43]  The listener who asked the question that inspired today’s episode may feel a little fearful or threatened, Vicki points out. [08:34] What would Vicki do if she were in this situation? She answers, then talks about how you might approach making a request in this example. [10:47] Vicki explains that in this situation, it comes down to “live and let live” while doing what you need to do to feel comfortable. [16:35] Vicki talks about being very honest with yourself and questioning whether your own thoughts are true. [18:22]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Return + Reclaim + Receive (Vicki’s upcoming live event) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) The Work by Byron Katie

Almost all of us are struggling with the new landscape of our jobs right now. And in this sudden reality of working from home, it can be a challenge to set healthy work boundaries. Without the separation between home and office, you might be finding yourself working longer hours or feeling like you’re constantly on call. Tune in to learn how to establish healthy work boundaries and avoid letting “quarantine work creep” take over your life. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #105: Get started in managing quarantine work creep by figuring your employer’s expectations of you in terms of availability, communication, and job description. If you’re not sure or anything is unclear, ask! We train other people how to treat us. If your behavior is at odds with what you say about your availability, you’re demonstrating that you are available even during times you said you weren't. If you’re working on something and really want to finish it, there are some specific steps you can take to make sure your extra work isn’t taken for granted. But don’t expect to get paid extra for your own choice to work more if that isn’t part of your work agreement.   Highlights from Episode #105: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, and talks about her upcoming free live virtual event for women. She then begins exploring today’s topic: quarantine work creep. [00:39] You can set boundaries at work even if you’ve been at your job for a while and didn’t start off perfectly, Vicki explains. She then talks about where to start. [06:29] Vicki points out that for everything that isn’t explicitly stated to you as an expectation, you have a lot of freedom. [14:35] If you’re working remotely, Vicki highly recommends that you have a separate business phone number and business address. [19:50] Vicki invites listeners to ask themselves a hard question: “What was it that I wanted in that situation?”  [25:51] What if you’re working on something and are really excited to finish it? [27:53] Vicki talks about the best ways to have difficult conversations, and explores the reason why a lot of us have Zoom fatigue. [32:51] Do you have tips or suggestions around managing quarantine work creep? If so, head to the Beyond Bitchy website and share your ideas as comments on this episode. [35:15]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer September 2020 LIVE Gathering for Women (click link to sign up) Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path

If you’ve started using boundaries to try to control other people, congratulations! Your boundary skills are likely improving, and you have some knowledge of boundaries. That’s the good news. Now, the bad news: using boundaries to control isn’t a relational strategy, and leads to a loss of intimacy and connection. Plus, when we use boundaries to control, we miss a great learning opportunity to figure out what’s inside (and what’s outside) of our own circle of control. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #104: For most people, the idea of boundaries as controlling doesn’t come as a surprise. There are absolutely times and ways that boundaries can be used as control.  If you’re not being honest with yourself, it’s easy to say that you’re setting boundaries for your own protection when you’re actually using them to control. Making a request can be a subtle way to get another person to act differently around something that is not vital to the health or safety of the relationship, or a way to tell another person what to do. When you’re wondering whether you’re using boundaries to control, ask yourself whether you want to change is in your circle of control, or the other person’s circle of control. Next, ask yourself whether this is really a matter of safety. Highlights from Episode #104: Welcome to the episode! Vicki starts off with quick announcements about next week’s episode and an upcoming event. [00:39] Vicki digs into the topic of boundaries and control, and explains the three functions of boundaries. [03:42] What does it look like when boundaries are used to control? [08:47] Vicki shares an example of something she has done in the past around her husband’s driving, including how she used a request to control. [13:31] We hear another example of using boundaries for control. [18:38] Have you seen yourself anywhere in this land of using boundaries to control? Vicki offers some advice on what to do when you’re about to use a boundary to try to control. [23:49] Vicki provides more examples, and talks about how you can protect yourself instead of trying to control. [30:01] Vicki recaps the good news and the bad news about using boundaries to control. [32:35]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #101 - What to Do When Loved Ones Don’t Wear a Face Mask (Pandemic Episodes)

One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they’re harsh, rigid, or mean, and that they damage intimacy. In fact, boundaries can absolutely be expressed in a gentle way. And that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about in detail today! I’ll share six easy and specific ways that you can express a limit gently. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #103: Sometimes we go from one extreme to another, going from struggling to say “no” to saying “no” frequently or in a way that’s difficult for other people to hear. Here are six ways you can express a limit gently: “Thanks, but I can’t.” (Then stop talking!) “That is so kind of you! But I can’t accept/do that today.” “I understand. I’m not able to do that.” Or, “I understand, but I can’t.” (Use this when you’re getting pushback or feeling baited.) “I hear you” or “I hear that.” (Use this when you’ve previously said “no” to the same request.) “Thanks for the opportunity. I’m not available, but I hope your event is fabulous!” “That’s a generous offer, but I’m not able to accept it. I’ll pass, but thank you so much.” Even though these responses are gentle, the recipient may still tell you that you’re being harsh. Your gentleness doesn’t guarantee a certain response.   Highlights from Episode #103: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and introduces its topic: whether boundaries can be gentle. She also shares a story from Sheri Winston, who was previously on the podcast. [00:39] It’s common to go from one extreme to the other, Vicki explains. [03:52] We hear what it sounds like when we haven’t found ways to express boundaries gently. [08:11] Vicki shares the first four of her strategies for expressing boundaries in a gentle way. [10:44] The recipient of these responses may still say you’re being harsh, Vicki points out, then shares the remaining strategies. [15:11] Each of Vicki’s strategies begins with an acknowledgment, and most have appreciation. [18:56] Vicki points out that you have no control over how the listener responds. [20:26]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Clarity Circle Sheri Winston Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #17 - Yes, No & Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #86 - 5 Ways to Have Fun with Boundaries

Women, do you fully understand the difference between making a request and expressing a desire? The concept of expressing a desire as an alternative to making a request is a relatively new one for me, and I want to explore it with you in depth today. I’ll give you some guidelines and suggestions that will help you understand both and learn to use whichever works best for your situation. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #102: Requests are always questions, and there are three possible responses: yes, no, or a negotiated alternative. It will serve you to train your ear to hear whether someone is actually making a request, which requires a question. Laura Doyle introduced me to the concept of “expressing desires in a way that inspires.” When expressing a desire, it needs to be a pure desire — about what you want, and does not include a "you" or "we," either directly or indirectly. Expressing a desire must also include detaching from the outcome. You may or may not receive the desire you expressed.  If an issue ranks at or above a 7/10 in terms of importance or is about your safety, a request is a better fit than expressing a desire. Highlights from Episode #102: Welcome to this episode! Vicki talks about what she’ll cover, and reminds listeners to visit her ongoing 30-day Facebook Live series. She also mentions her team at Pro Podcast Solutions, and announces that Beyond Bitchy is now available on Spotify!  [00:39] Vicki talks about the concept for today’s episode, where it came from, and how it relates to gender roles and potentially same-sex relationships. [03:29] Making a request is part of Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Vicki digs into this in more depth, and talks about how requests function. [06:04] In order to be really successful with making requests, you need to have some credit in your relationship “bank account.” [13:54] Vicki shifts into talking about expressing desires, a concept she got from Laura Doyle. [15:44] What are the rules and guidelines for expressing desires in a way that inspires? [20:42] Vicki shares a personal story as an example of expressing a desire not having a specific outcome. [25:34] We learn how to tell when to make a request instead of expressing a desire. [29:07]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Clarity Circle Laura Doyle Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #41 - Boundaries Quick Tips #3 | Demands & Requests: What’s the Difference? Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #42 - When Your Request Is Ignored Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #59 - When You Get Stuck on Making a Request

Has someone close to you made the decision not to wear a face mask? I experienced this recently, and  I know that many of you have faced this issue as well. Today’s episode is dedicated to the topic. To help you understand how you can respond to this situation, I’ll walk you through exactly what I did and said, how it turned out, and the choices you can make when you find yourself in a similar position. And a quick announcement: I’ll be holding another amazing live video call — Clarity Circle — on Friday, August 14th. Learn more sign up at this link! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #101: Should we wear a face mask even though they aren’t 100% effective? The fact is that 100% is not a metric we expect when dealing with situations affecting our safety. We make choices all the time around things that aren’t 100% effective, such as locking our doors at night, wearing seatbelts, and even using contraceptives. You can use the 5-Step Boundary Solution process to help you navigate situations in which someone close to you doesn’t wear a face mask. As you apply your new skills in situations like this, part of your work is to stay on your side of the street and maintain a respectful, warm connection with the other person. If you’re very triggered, it may help to express that you’re feeling that way and that you’d like to have some time and talk about it later. In the end, you get to be the decider and figure out what works for you and how to move forward.   Highlights from Episode #101: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and introduces its topic. She also reminds listeners about her 30-day Facebook Live event. [00:39] We hear about a recent experience that Vicki had involving face masks, as well as the recent hype in the news about face masks. [02:21] If masks aren’t 100% effective, does that mean we should just skip wearing them? [07:54] Vicki talks about what to do when a loved one doesn’t or won’t wear a mask, and shares more about her recent experience. [10:30] Vicki walks listeners through what she ended up doing in her encounter with someone close to her not wearing a mask. [18:47] We hear about how Vicki focused on knowing who this person is at heart, and some examples of her friend's self-described “paranoia.” [26:10] Vicki confesses another part of her response, which she isn’t as proud of. We also learn how the woman in question eventually responded. [30:08] The strength of Vicki’s strategy is that she left the “problem” to the other woman; she didn’t make a request or create a power struggle. [34:55] Have you ever picked up a new set of skills and then started using them to control, manipulate, or dominate? [43:47] Vicki points out that you ultimately get to be the decider to figure out how to move forward, and talks about a key factor that hangs people up around seeing their options. [46:26]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Laura Doyle Pia Mellody Clarity Circle Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

I’m so grateful, amazed, and happy to be here releasing episode #100 of the podcast! And I’m truly humbled by some of the responses I’ve received, and the impact this podcast has had on listeners. Let’s celebrate by looking back on how all this came to be, and exploring some powerful concepts around quality over quantity and creating transformation one choice at a time. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #100: This podcast came from a quick decision, and was launched within a couple months. Since then, it’s been downloaded in over 90 countries and has almost 600,000 unique downloads. One action, word, choice, or thought can have immense power, while a thousand other actions or choices can be essentially meaningless. It’s all about quality over quantity. It’s important to deliberately choose what we engage in. Simple choices followed by minute-by-minute choices and actions can be incredibly powerful. I’d like to invite you to find something in yourself that wants to be spoken, expressed, or acted upon, and take the next baby step toward fulfilling it. Highlights from Episode #100: Welcome to Episode #100 of the Beyond Bitchy podcast! Vicki chats briefly about her 30-day Facebook Live event before explaining what she’ll talk about in today’s episode. [00:39] Vicki talks about how the podcast came to be. [03:24] This episode was partially inspired by one of her favorite chapters of The Dhammapada, Vicki explains, and reads a few short verses. [08:27] Vicki ties the concept of quality over quantity together with the theme of boundaries. [12:43] We hear about a post that Vicki recently saw on Instagram, and how she decided to join the conversation. [14:40] Vicki also loves the verses she shared because they hint at the hope of redemption and transformation. [18:07]  This podcast was a simple choice, then a series of choices and actions. Vicki invites listeners to  take the next baby step. [21:46] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path The Dhammapada

Can you believe that next week will already be Episode #100? Wow! Stay tuned for something special. But for now, let’s talk about a topic inspired by the listener questions archive. Even if you love to get up close and personal with others, there has probably been a time when you wanted someone to just back off and give you space. And yes, this even applies during the pandemic! Tune in to learn how to navigate this situation and create the space you need.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #99: Both during this pandemic and after it, we’ll encounter people who don’t give us as much space as we would like. Many of us tend not to take or ask for more space because we don’t want to be rude or hurt someone’s feelings. This is a self-defeating mindset, because you’re prioritizing what you think someone else’s feelings may be over your own needs. You can use non-verbal methods to create space, like putting your shopping cart behind you in line, or sticking your purse, elbow, or foot out to expand your space. Another option is to be more animated, making larger movements with your arms or body. If you want to say something, try “excuse me, I need a little bit more room, could you move over/back up a little bit?” Make sure you don’t place the blame by saying “you’re too close” or “you’re crowding me”; make it all about yourself and your needs, then make your request.   Highlights from Episode #99: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and mentions her 30-day Facebook Live event. [00:39] We hear the listener question that inspired today’s episode. [04:10] Vicki digs into the poignant aspect of the question in light of the current situation with the pandemic. [09:48] What do you do when you’re the person on the receiving end of just a bit too much closeness from another person? [14:55] Vicki talks about several options for what you can do when you notice you need more physical space. [17:19] We learn about an option that involves just letting someone else go ahead of you. [21:37] One of the best-kept secrets about boundaries is that they’re about getting space. [24:54]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

It’s important to speak your authentic truth, but that doesn’t mean you should do so blindly or recklessly. Today, I want to share seven questions to ask yourself before sharing your authentic truth with someone else to get clarity and ensure that you’re doing it in a relational way.    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #98: It isn’t always easy to share our authentic truth. We may not even know what it is, or we may be unwilling to admit to ourselves what it is. Or we may mistake a knee jerk reaction for our authentic truth, or feel unworthy or like it’s not important. Not sharing your authentic truth in a relational way with another person might mean you miss the opportunity to experience more intimacy with them. But we don’t need to express every belief or opinion we have. There are seven questions you can ask yourself to get clarity about speaking your truth to other people in a relational way. #1: Do I want to be heard? #2: Can this person hear me? #3: What response do I expect to hear? #4: Am I wanting to poke the bear? #5: Do I need to express myself, regardless of the response that I get? #6. Can I express what I want to say in such a way that it’s completely about me, rather than the other person? #7. Would it be possible for me to wait for 24 hours before expressing this emotion or thought?   Highlights from Episode #98: Welcome to Episode 98 of the podcast. Vicki starts off by discussing The Radiant Threefold Path, speaking your authentic truth, and her 30-day Facebook Live event. [00:39] Today’s episode is all about your authentic truth, Vicki explains, and lists some reasons why it may be difficult to share yours. [06:10] Vicki explores her phrasing “share your authentic truth in a relational way.” [10:59] We hear about The Four Agreements and their relevance to what Vicki is sharing today. [13:28] Vicki begins sharing the seven questions that you can ask yourself to get clarity about sharing your authentic truth. [19:30] We learn the fourth through sixth of Vicki’s questions to ask yourself. [24:56] Vicki’s last question involves waiting for 24 hours before sharing your authentic truth. She explains how this tool can help. [32:24] Vicki quickly recaps the seven questions that she has covered in today’s episode. [36:29]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram The Radiant Threefold Path The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39 – The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40 – The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Atomic Habits by James Clear

Last week’s episode was a marathon, so I'm going to balance it out this week with a quick tips episode. This one was inspired by a listener’s question that came from a miscommunication around something I said about children having the right to choose their friends. The miscommunication brings up a broader point about checking things out, which I want to explore as a relational tool.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #97: Young children do not get to decide who their friends are. When I said in a prior episode that children decide who their friends are, I was referring to children as they get into their teen years, as well adult children. As parents, it’s our responsibility to protect and hold boundaries for our young children. When we hear someone say something, or even hear secondhand about something someone said, we often believe that is what they actually said, when often that is not the case.  When you hear something that causes a large internal negative reaction, check it out with the other person. This means saying, “This is what I heard you say. Did I hear you right? Did you really mean it that way?” This method of checking out what someone said is also another option for how to respond to bait.   Highlights from Episode #97: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, and shares the question from a listener that inspired it. [00:39] Young children don’t get to decide who their friends are, Vicki clarifies. [02:51] We hear about the bigger issue of checking things out. [06:46] Vicki shares a recent personal example of a case where she had the opportunity to check out something she was told. [09:29] Checking out something that you’ve heard is a quick relational tool and can be a helpful response when you’re feeling baited. [11:53]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #95 – Don’t Bite the Bait! How to Respond When You’re Feeling Baited

This special episode is a little different than usual! Last week, I did a live call to answer the massive backlog of listener questions from the podcast, and this episode is a recording of that call. If you’ve ever submitted a question, tune in since I might have answered yours directly. And if you haven’t, I’m going over such a broad range of questions that you’ll still find something relevant to you. So settle in with a cup of tea, and enjoy! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #96: There are themes in the boundary-related questions that I’ve gotten over the years. One example is that somebody in your life is doing (or not doing) something that really bothers you, or that you’re doing something that really bothers another person and you’re struggling to accept their reaction. Another theme that comes up is what to do if someone you know has a specific condition or diagnosis. During this episode (and beyond!), listen for what you can relate to, and how my answer can apply to your unique situation. If someone isn’t making a request directly, it’s not really a request. “You should take the garbage out” is an opinion, not a request. It’s a boundary violation to insist on having your way with another person’s body. This applies to sexual relationships with your partner. Maybe less obviously, it also applies to interactions with children, who should have the right to refuse an unwanted hug or touch.   Highlights from Episode #96: Welcome to this episode, which will be a little different! [00:39] Vicki lists some ways you can get your question answered in the future. She then talks about the themes she gets in questions about boundaries. [04:25] We hear some quick tips on how to handle the common themes that Vicki has just discussed, starting with what to do when someone is doing something that bothers you. [11:49] Vicki moves onto the second category: something you’re doing (or not) that bothers someone else. She then talks about the third theme: dealing with conditions or diagnoses. [16:20] Vicki lists the specific categories of topics that she’ll talk about today. [19:40] Today’s first question is about a social invitation during the pandemic. [20:39] Vicki points out that every person who owns or controls a space has a right to decide how someone shows up in that space. [27:49] We move onto dealing with questions around long-term relationships and marriage. The first question comes from someone with a sensitive spouse who makes many requests. [30:35] The next question about long-term relationships involves narcissistic partners. [39:48] Vicki shares the next question, which comes from a highly accomplished listener who wants advice on having a business with a romantic partner. [42:55] We hear a question about physical and sexual boundaries. [47:34] Vicki goes over a few questions with very quick answers. The first comes from a listener who has strong negative reactions to requests from strangers. [53:49] The next quick-answer question involves a partner who has broken boundaries in the past. [57:43] Vicki tackles a controversial topic: boundaries related to race and culture. [62:05] We hear a question from another culture about men being held responsible for how their wives look or dress. [68:33] What do you do when somebody is upset with you? Today’s question on this theme involves a disagreement between friends. [72:00] Vicki moves onto discussing a question about teaching boundaries to children. [76:00] The next question is about adult children setting boundaries with parents. [81:59] Vicki wraps things up by taking a moment to thank listeners. [87:34] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Clarity Circle Replay Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #87 – How COVID-19 is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries (Part 2) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #81 – Diagnostic Distractions: When Someone You Love is NPD, MEM, ADHD, Bi-Polar, etc. Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #64 – Boundaries Quick Tips #9: Is Sex a “Need” Your Partner Must Fulfill for You? Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #95 – Don’t Bite the Bait! How to Respond When You’re Feeling Baited

From time to time, everyone struggles with biting the bait. And usually the people we feel most baited by are the people we care about the most. But there’s really no benefit to biting the bait, especially if we want to stay connected. Today, I’ll dig into what exactly bait is, and share 11 ways to avoid biting it. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #95: The dictionary definition of bait causes us to focus on the wrong thing in interpersonal reactions: the other person’s intent. Instead, think of bait as your internal experience to what another person says or does (or doesn’t say or do). The eight phrases that I shared in my episode on how to keep the peace during the holidays all work when you’re feeling baited. A fantastic all-purpose response is to simply say, “I hear you.”  A helpful response when you’re feeling baited is to repeat the other person’s statement or question. Another option is to amplify what the other person said if it was negative. Finally, humor can be one of the most effective strategies for dealing with bait.   Highlights from Episode #95: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is all about how not to bite the bait. [00:39] We hear about Vicki’s upcoming special live event for podcast listeners. There, she’ll answer previous questions from listeners. [03:24] What is bait? Vicki explains why the dictionary definition is problematic in this context. [04:45] Vicki digs into the benefits of focusing on being baited as your own experience instead of someone else’s intention. [10:32] We hear about the first few of 11 potential responses to use when you feel baited. [13:47] Vicki shares the rest of the potential responses, including a standalone “ouch.” [18:47] Vicki adds three more tools, specifically for when you’re feeling baited. [23:51] We hear a quick recap of the 11 ways that you can respond when you’re feeling baited. [32:39]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Clarity Circle  Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #74: 8 Phrases to Help You Keep the Peace During the Holidays Laura Doyle

This is a scary time. So many of us are dealing with fear about what’s happening and what may happen, as well as not knowing what’s going to happen or what the future will look like. So let’s talk about something uplifting, forward-thinking, and expansive, that will stretch us beyond our limited mindset, beliefs, or fears. How far can you go? Biggest Takeaways From Episode #94: The future has always been uncertain, but this year has brought that perspective to the front and center. Even though healthy and effective personal and relationship boundaries are vital, sometimes, boundaries are just . . . unnecessary. One example is when we want more of some positive, healthy things that enhance our lives. Stretching outside of our comfort zone requires courage, and stretching feels uncomfortable. Instead of identifying a destination or a goal, ask yourself how far you can go. Where in your life do you want to ask yourself how far you can go? Try to drop down from your thinking mind into your body and see what it feels like to ask yourself this question.   Highlights from Episode #94: Welcome to Episode 94! Vicki explains what today’s episode will be about. [00:39] Vicki has a special live event coming up for podcast listeners! Tune into her next Clarity Circle (Wednesday, June 24th, at 2 PM US Central time) to hear answers to questions from podcast listeners. [01:52] We hear the question from a listener that helped inspire this episode. [04:03] Vicki responds to the listener question she has just read, and recaps the results the listener has achieved. [07:35] Boundary work absolutely does get better and easier, Vicki reassures the listener who has asked the question. She then talks about the value of asking how far you can go. [10:14] Vicki invites listeners to ask themselves a specific question. [13:30] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Clarity Circle  Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram John Maxwell   

Right now, in the United States, trauma is speaking. Prejudice and racism wounds, and are potentially traumatizing to anyone who experiences them. But listening to another person’s trauma is a challenging thing to do, especially if we perceive that we may have played a part in their experience — even when remaining silent or looking away. Let’s talk about how to listen when trauma speaks.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #93: The listening boundary is the most challenging boundary for most of us. When we feel at fault or like we’re being blamed for trauma, it takes the listening boundary to a whole new level.  Prejudice and racism are spread very much like the coronavirus; people who appear not to be infected can infect quite a few people, and the results can be deadly. What has happened since Mr. Floyd’s death is the result of centuries of oppression, discrimination, and systemic, institutionalized racism. Notice any urges you have to defend, explain, or make the other person feel better. This is usually a sign that you’ve strayed into defensiveness.   Highlights from Episode #93: Vicki makes a clarification, then introduces today’s episode on how to listen when trauma speaks. [00:39] We hear Vicki’s thoughts on the use of the words “white” and “Black” to describe people. She then shares some of her own journey. [04:19] Despite having intentionally and actively worked against it, Vicki still counts herself as a product of the racial conditioning that she received as a child. [11:17] Vicki shares a jaw-dropping story about unaware racism. [18:03] Discomfort can make it difficult to listen when trauma speaks. [22:36] What’s the solution? How do we listen to another person’s trauma? Vicki offers some tips and advice, and emphasizes the importance of listening. [30:01] Vicki offers some observations about the way that white people try to make things better, but end up making them worse. [34:43] White people will never know what it feels like to be a person of color. Vicki invites white listeners to have curiosity, embrace humility, and to try to stay open to the reality that others may have very different life circumstances and experiences. [39:12]   Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Kenneth and Mamie Clark's Doll Experiments  Jane Elliott (Blue Eyes & Brown Eyes Exercise)  Toni Morrison Maya Angelou J. California Cooper Angela Davis Alice Walker Zora Neale Hurston Leon Waters Center for the Healing of Racism