According to Royalty

Recorded: Saturday October 24, 2009Description:The Podcast makes its triumphant comeback as Storchy goes home to Chitown to shot gun beers and frat it as he records his buddies as they shoot ducks and lay tracks.

Recorded: Monday May 18, 2009Description:In their epic recordbreaking return to podcast respectability, Storch and Snake are joined by Clive Driscoll to shoot the shit. Storch talks about passing out in Baby's Crib, then the fam discusses Jon Sterling's Yankees, White NBA Playoff Performers, Kobe Doin' Work On My Balls, and LePaulBunyan James.- According To Royalty

Recorded: Thursday May 14, 2009Description: The Podcast returns as Jon Storch is joined by a mascara wearing Bobby Light via two coffee cans and a piece of string. They discuss Hollywood Dean, The Phantom Wipe, eHarmony, SmellyPoon, & Redheads in Asian Cliques in the most emo way imaginable.- According To Royalty

SNAKE AND STORCH WERE IN ATTENDANCE FOR THE 2009 NCAA TOURNAMENT SWEET 16 GAME BETWEEN DUKE AND VILLANOVA. FOLLOWING THE GRATIFYING DUKE LOSS, SNAKE SLITHERED UNDER THE DOOR AND HID IN THE DUKE LOCKER ROOM. STORCH SIMPLY WALKED IN DRESSED IN HIS NORMAL CHIMNEY SWEEPER ATTIRE AND WAS NOT QUESTIONED FOR A CREDENTIAL. THEY WERE ABLE TO WATCH THE TEAM AS THEY LEFT THE COURT AND RECORD THEIR CONVERSATIONS FOR POSTERITY:The players are walking toward the locker room. Greg Paulus starts clapping, “Guys bring it in. Let’s go.” Everyone is confused.Henderson, “What. The. Fuck. Are you talking about? The season is over. Your career is ov—.”Paulus interupts, “What about the NB—”Before he can finish, Henderson slaps him in the mouth and puts his finger in his face, “No.” Henderson takes out his cell phone and hits speed dial #5. The phone rings. “Bill Duffy, please….. Bill, it’s Gerald…. Yeah tough loss, but at least I showcased what I can do… Of course I’m going to declare. You think I want to stay another season with this team full of crying faggots?” Jon Scheyer is walking beside him weeping. He hears this and bawls even harder.Gerald looks at Jon, “Pussy ass white faggot.… Yeah, Bill, I want you to be my agent…. Press conference tomorrow sounds good.” He hangs up. He starts jumping around and sees Elliot Williams. “Yo, Big L, I’m lottery bound, bebe!”Elliot: “Good shit, son. Yo I’m out, too. Goin’ home. Memphis, son.”G: “Oh shit you transferring?”Big L: “Can’t take these white pussies. Or that homo, Lance ‘Bass’ Thomas.”G: “That’s exactly what I said. And true about Lance. He’s softer than Charmin ass paper.” G&L do a Manny/Big Papi handshake and head back into the locker room.Coach K calls the team in, “Alright, guys gather up.” The players stop their moping and gather around Coach, with the exception of Brian Zoubek. Big Zoubs is at the doorway banging his head into the doorframe. “Woj, what on God’s green earth is Zoubek doing?”Woj walks over to Zoubek to help him into the room. Right before he gets there Lance Thomas, who was not yet in the locker room because he was too busy crushing the dreams of his entire extended family, ducks around Zoubek strongly elbowing him in the gut causing him to keel over and finally get his head in. The referees’ locker room is across the hall. After calling the offensive elbow to the gut foul on Thomas throughout the entire game, all of the refs instinctually blow their whistles and in unison yell, “Flagrant!”Big L leans over to Gerald, “He’s fucking flagrant alright.”Coach K: “Woj, help Zoubek sit down…. Alright fellas, you guys had a great season. We reached our level of mediocrity as usual beating Maryland, Virginia Tech, and Florida State. We lost both times to Carolina but that’s okay. They are dark- I mean deeper than us. They were just black- I mean better this year. To be honest I didn’t even think we would get a 2 seed. I guess my gold medal pedigree really helped with that one, HAH! Anyway, forget about the NCAA tournament though. From the start of the season we had one goal, which was to win the ACC tournament. So good job there, everyone. We did it.” The coaching staff and Greg Paulus start clapping it up. “Now I have to go meet our recruits at the Yacht Club for the wine and cheese soiree. Take care, we’ll see some of you next season. By the way, let’s thank Paulus for his dedication to Duke University for the last four years. A truly forgetta—I mean, great career. I don’t know what we would have done without your 4.9 points per game this year. You are a unique player. And by unique I mean, you were the first player I’ve ever seen to get progressively worse from season to season. Ok, guys.” He taps the table. “See you soon.” As Coach K is leaving he walks by Paulus and exhaled loud enough for everyone to hear, “should have played football hah-hah.” He turns back to the room, “Oh yea and Zoubek, you’re off the team....horrible.”As Coach K leaves, Paulus starts crying. Singler consoles him, “Greg, maybe you can pull a Drew Henson.”Gerald contributes, “Yeah, Greg, you can add NFL failure to your list of accomplishments. Oh yeah, and I’m declaring.”Big L packs up his stuff and follows, “I’m sure I’ll see you guys next year when I’m at Memphis as a 1 seed and you are a 1 seed but in the NIT.”Nolan Smith stands up, “Damn, so now I’m the only black guy?”“My brother, your name is Nolan. You are whiter than the snow in my country or that in the country of Brhyzinski Zoubek,” Martynas Pocius blurts out. Gerald and Big L crack up. This is especially embarrassing for Nolan because Martynas is from Lithuania.Gerald says, “Oh shit, Big L. You hear Space-Jam-Shawn-Bradley’s real name is Brhyzinski??!”Zoubek hears his name and lifts his head up. He couldn’t be more confused. He looks around, can’t figure it out, and looks back down at his size 19 clown shoes.“I’m afraid of black guys,” Jon Scheyer admits aloud but to himself.Singler stands up. Everyone else is for the most part is still in uniform, but somehow Kyle is already fully dressed in khakis and a blazer, “Hey guys, are we almost done? I’d really like to get to my piano recital.”Scheyer immediately snaps out of his pussyfit, “Oouu!! Can I come??! I want to get a cappuccino first. Or something.”Paulus also snaps out of it, “I’m coming too!!”Singler and Scheyer giggle. Singler says, “Hee hee, oh silly, you just said ‘come.’” They all laugh.The three of them skip into each other’s arms and make a circle ringing around a rosey.Lance sees this and loses it. He storms to his locker and starts rummaging through his gym bag.Gerald says, “What the fuck are you homos doing here?”Lance finds what he’s looking for. It’s the dildo from Se7en.IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT SNAKE AND STORCH KNEW THE DIRECTION THIS WAS HEADED. THE ATR FAMILY LEFT AND WENT TO THE MOVIES TO SEE ‘I LOVE YOU, MAN’ TO LAUGH AND FORGET ABOUT THE TRAGEDY THAT WAS ALMOST WITNESSED.-According To Royalty

Recorded: Monday, March 2, 2009Description:Jon Storch and Snake Jacobs sit down for their inaugural podcast and discuss the first day of their recent trip to LA.-According To Royalty

Recorded: Wednesday, March 4, 2009.Description:In this podcast, Snake Jacobs forgot to hit record as The Royalty was joined by Clive Driscoll, but makes up for it by sprinkling his sarcasticface comments.-According To Royalty

Recorded: Sunday, March 8, 2009, 4:17amDescription:After Joakim Phoenix's birthday open bar, Tom Vito joins Snake and Storch to discuss his felonies, his basketball skills, his dicksize vs. Storch's, and his love for Kelly Clarkson. -According To Royalty

Recorded: Wednesday, March 4, 2009Description:Clive Driscoll returns to join Storch and Snake on the podcast along with ZMills and his PKills as they discuss Parking Lot Brains, RetardBall, and The Risk of Penile Cancer among Chimney Sweepers.-According To Royalty

Recorded: Monday, March 9, 2009Description:Storch and Snake sit down to discuss how the Cellphone from Hook guided them like the Magic Flute around Hollywood & Hermosa Bay causing them to run into NBC's Ed, ABC's Jimmy Kilme, ER's Geolge Crooney, and Vitamins ABC&Zinc.-According To Royalty

Have you seen that new above the influence commercial? "What has weed done for you?" There are a bunch of kids and cheesy music. One of the girls says, "I got straight Ds." It's actually pretty funny. I thought it was clever the first time I saw it. If you don't know what I'm talking about here's the link: What Has Weed Done To You? Above The Influence After seeing the commercial a few times I started to think of the opposite side. They very creatively showed the negative sides to smoking, but what positive things have come from weed? I think it's only fair for people to see the pros and cons before people decide whether they want to smoke or not. Now thanks to Uncle Luke and his creative genius, that thought has become reality. He submitted this little diddy earlier today. Here is "What Has Weed Done To You? Under the Influence." Enjoy!Ponder this thought: What has weed done for you?-Snake Jacobs

SNAKE writes... AFTER BITING REAL WORLD BROOKLYN, I WAITED FOR THE VENOM TO SPREAD THROUGH THE CAST. WHILE I STARED AND TAUNTED MY PREY I SAW THAT PEOPLE WERE WATCHING THIS ATTACK. CLIVE DRISCOLL WAS ESPECIALLY ENTHUSED. IN FACT HE BEGAN CLUBBING THE WEAKENED VICTIM WITH HIS FAKE ARM...CLIVE writes...First of all, I just want to say that it is about time someone came out and bashed this season’s Real World. Well done, Snake. Another successful bite. Having said that, this season should not just be snake bit but castrated (wait, Katelyn already was).Being selected to be on the Real World is like getting the Golden Ticket of reality t.v. The producers, Bunim and Murray, one of whom is dead, so let me change that to Bunim or Murray, the one producer that is alive, is your Willy Wonka. Every year thousands upon thousands of fame-seeking nutcases send in their audition tapes, or to keep the analogy going, buy bars of chocolate. The tapes then get filtered down by the casting directors (who should be fired for this season a la Donald Trump to Andrew Dice Clay) who can alter any normal person’s life into a life of Gauntlet/Duel appearances, bar tours, and constant mockery on E!'s The Soup.As Snake mentioned, these fucking moron casting directors selected not one but two people from Salt Lake City, Utah. As far as I know there are two things good about Salt Lake City, Utah, one is Karl "The Mailman" Malone,() and.... nothing else. Also, correct me if I am wrong, doesn't the Real World consist of 7 cast members. 21 seasons of 7 cast members and this group of shmohawks (courtesy of Larry David) decide to cast 8. The final decision in putting the worst cast together in RW history must have been so hard that they decided they had to include the transgender AND the boring guy with great abs. Yet, here we are today, approaching the final episode of the worst season ever, or as I call it, my own personal glass elevator that will set me free of this nonsense world.I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET, I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE:Picture each cast member’s initial reaction to getting the call (finding their ticket) to be chosen for the Real World…Chet: So excited that he almost touched a boobie for the first time. Instead he wrapped his purple scarf around his neck and started masturbating furiously to pre-taped episodes of Carson Daily hosting TRL.Ryan: Tried to return the engagement ring he bought his girlfriend, but found out it was non-refundable. Afterwards, he googled Pranks and started shining his shoes.Carl: (Wait, who is Carl? Carl is Katelynn’s birth name.) Carl found out and wanted to really flip the script on the nation. Carl booked a plane to Thailand, bought a pair of booty shorts and went to a back-alley abortion clinic and said, "Make this work."Scott: After finding out, Scott not pleased enough with his abs, spent 248 hours in the gym working out. Only stopping to check himself out in the mirror and to spot his workout buddy who happens to be into guys.Sarah: Bitches and complains she got chosen because that is all she knows how to do. Feeling her sleeve of tattoos was not enough to make her stand out, she decides that back when she was 10 she shouldn’t have shared a sleeping bag with her father. He is now an estranged sexual molester and she the whiny-cunt of a victim.Devyn: Wipes the cum of three casting directors off her face. She is so thrilled that she is chosen, she offers them the opportunity to tittyfuck her as well. Disgusted by her nipple-to-boobie ratio, they decline and ask her to leave.J.D.: Has no family and no friends, he has no boyfriend because he is not gay, he is fucking faggot. JD celebrated by fucking the blowhole of his favorite dolphin, Fudgie. Not satisfied by Fudgie, JD then paid a homeless man 20 bucks to provide that particular golden twinkle in his eye.Baya: Is so excited she has bee chosen and given a chance to escape her hometown of Salt Lake City. That night celebrating with her hippie parents she goes into a dance frenzy, falls and fucks up her two front teeth, leaving her with a noticeable gap. (I would still fuck her btw, she is hot.)The Cast:They arrive at the factory and the camera starts rolling. The nation finds out this year has a twist: 8 cast members. 4 guys and 4 girls? Or is it 5 guys and 3 girls? Or is it 2 guys and 6 girls?What happened to the good old Real World Casting Stereotypes? The gay guy, the bumpkin, the bitch, the hot girl, the black guy, the weird guy, and the x-factor. Over the first 20 years, these tried-and-true stereotypes have provided us with great characters like the Miz, that Oakland Raiders cheerleader, Choral, multiple overly gay men, Tyree "you stabbed my father,” etc. This year we have no black guy. (To hold shit down.)Instead we have Scott or Wonka's Mike Teavee. Teavee was, as his last name implied, a television fanatic, seldom away from his television set. Instead of TV, Scott is seldom away from the gym. The fucking moron has the opportunity to get any girl he wants on any night of the week and opts to play pool, check emails, workout, and build a love/hate relationship with a transgender. Remember the episode where, Katelynn has no money (because she spent god knows how much to clip her penis and turn it into a walking black hole looking to suck in anything within range) and Scott comes in and, despite their constant arguing, provides her with some money. I remember screaming out, “fuck” really loud. Typical douche. Scott deserves the same fate as Teavee, to be shrunk. Scott should stripped of all his steriods and given the same procedure as Katelynn since his nuts have already shrunk from the lack of pussy during this season. Fuck you, Scott, you fucking ungrateful piece of shit.Speaking of Katelynn, the similarities between her and Arthur Slugworth are remarkable. They are both ugly as sin and evil. Slugworth is looking for the formula for the "everlasting gobstopper" and Katelynn is looking for the formula for the "everlasting nightmare." SHE HAS FOUND IT. Watching her flock around the house in booty shorts, make out with guys and girls, pole dance, and even just speak words has kept me up many a night, crying and asking why. Why hasn't Murray or Bunim said, "This is too much... We like nudity, it gets us ratings but this is just fucking wrong." She could wear the crown for ‘Someone-Who-Grosses-Me-The-Fuck-Out-On-Sight.’ Of course, in the movie it turns out that Slugworth is really Mr. Wilkerson, just like Katelynn pretending to something she is clearly not, a woman. Fuck you, you fucking disgusting piece of shit.Speaking of pieces of shit, JD will take that crown. This midget dolphin trainer, like all gay men, thinks he is better than everyone else. I hate his posture, I hate the way he talks and looks. He can only be likened to the Oompa Loompas. First, he would fit in as an Oompa Loompa for his height. Second, he would fit in because he likes banging guys. I am sorry to drop the bomb, but hundreds of little orange men working in a chocolate factory with no women in sight? Excuse the obvious pun, but there is definitely some fudge packing. JD had the moment this season where he broke a glass table. I don't remember why and I don't care. Oh now I do, he is a drama queen who instead of singing catchy tunes that teach lessons, he sucks pole. Fuck you, you fucking cock-sucking piece of shit.You can't say “cock-sucking” and not think of Chet. If he is straight and has never had a cock in or around his mouth, than I will jump out the window of my apartment. Chet is Augustus Gloop, the gluttonous overeater. Chet is not overeating, though, he is being overviewed. Every episode Chet dominates with his ambiguous behavior. Am I the only one who thinks he is on Ryan's balls a bit too much? He got his bowtie in a frenzy that one episode where Ryan didn't come home on time. We have to watch week after week as Chet hosts this show, or applies for his MTV job, or almost comes out, or pretends to like Scott’s friend to mask his cock loving. Additionally, he has worn the same outfits the whole season. You unoriginal fuck. You need to finally fall into that chocolate river and come out of the closet. I am sorry, mormon or not, if you are 21 years or older and have not touched a boob, you are gay. If you are not gay, you should think about becoming gay. Fuck you, you fucking virgin piece of shit.One person who is clearly not a virgin is Devyn. As Beyonce says, “A Diva is the female version of a Hustler.” And as I say, “An annoying slutty cunt is the my version of a Diva.” If I hear Devyn liken herself to a Diva one more time, I am going to cut the fake titty out of her and suffocate her with it. Devyn, like Wonka's Veruca Salt, regularly exerts petulant behavior in order to get what she desires. Devyn spends her time on the phone talking to the 6-8 guys she teases in order to get what she wants, money. When I look at Devyn, I can't help but think she takes monster dumps. I hate how she wears that sleep mask also (just a sidenote). Devyn deserves the same fate as Veruca, whose endgame comes in Wonka's Nut Sorting Room. No explanation needed. Fuck you, you fucking Diva-wanna-be piece of shit.Baya, oh Baya. Do people in Salt Lake City not fuck? She is really hot, she moves well, she has a bit of a gapper but that just gives u a target, like trying to score a goal. Baya is Violet Beauregarde, a tomboy who exhibits a more competitive spirit than the four other ticket winners. Baya does herself no justice by dressing in sweatpants and hoodies every episode. Show some skin, you should be pole dancing, not that mutant. Just as Violet chews her gum constantly, Baya constantly is not speaking as if she is chewing so much gum she can't speak. There are some episodes where I didn’t even see her once. Damn shame because I actually like her. She will suffer the same fate as Violet and turn into a giant blueberry. Baya will keep putting of her dancing dreams and after realizing that she missed the opportunity of a lifetime and took a back seat this season will comfort herself with food. After gaining 70 pounds, her DJ'ing dreams will end, and back to Salt Lake City. Fuck you, you fucking hot piece of shit.Someone else on this season, I remotely like is Ryan or in Wonka's case, Charlie. Ryan is likable and good hearted like Charlie. But for fucks’ sake man, you are on the Real World. Have you not watched in the past? Guys like you are cleaning up on a nightly basis. By episode 4 you are supposed to break up with the home girlfriend and bang the hot room mate, Baya. It is a science. Did the PTSD take away your libido? Like Charlie, Ryan would rather hang out with his family than go out there and bang some hot ass. Charlie could have walked down the street with that golden ticket and banged some serious whores or in his case got jerked off (he was 11ish). Ryan could have banged Baya if he wanted to, and then moved onto the millions of NYC girls who would suck a dick for ten minutes of fame on MTV. But no, this fuck had to do the right thing like Charlie. Where did that get you though? Back in Iraq, with no pussy, you fucked up. Fuck you, you fucking honest piece of shit.Last but not least, Sarah, the tattooed bitch who, as Snake pointed out, looks like the dude from Blink 182. I never thought she was remotely good looking but has she gained 20-30 pounds since the show started? What is with this season and choosing people with some serious issues? Transgender, JD's abusive father, Sarah's sexually abusive father, Ryan's army experience, Baya's SLC background, Chet's lackof pussy, Scott's steroid issue, Devyn's porn past. Sarah is Wonka's...actually fuck that, Sarah just sucks. Nothing good about her at all. What did the casting directors see in her? "Oh, she has a sleeve of tattoos, she is edgy." Yeah doing finger paintings with 5 year olds is real edgy. Sarah is the kind of girl who has a FUPA and hides it well and has a pussy that smells worse than curry mixed with an overweight kids sweat after a rigorous game of dodgeball. Fuck you, you fucking worst casted Real World member piece of shit.YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY, SIR!!!In summary, Bunim or Murray (the living one), should fire every casting director involved with this season’s meltdown. I blame myself for tuning in week after week hoping for Ryan to bang a chick, or Baya to show some skin, or Chet to cum instantly after touching his first vagina, or Devyn to not be on the phone, or Katelynn to get drunk reach inside herself and pull out Carl's penis, or Scott to jam that pool stick up his ass so far it comes out of his nose, or JD to go down on his roomates while they are asleep, or Sarah to not piss me off. Fuck this season, fuck Bunim or Murray, whichever one is alive. You all lose, you all wasted the golden ticket. There is no glass elevator for any of you, just a swift kick in the nuts, vag, or vagnuts from me if I ever see any of you walking the streets of NYC.Congratulations, Real World. You've just been Driscolled.-Clyde

What is it to be a G? To be a Gangster? Is it to roll a dirty blunt? Is it to sprinkle snow on the peaks? Is it to stay up all weekend having conversations about Polluters of Africa with a complete stranger? Is it to chase a rat around your living room with a hammer and make holes in the floor until you bash its head in? Is it to play pool until the 8ball cracks in half because you secretly hope it is a mini-pinata filled with nose candy? Is it to use a 5'5'' Mexican to wedge the bathroom door shut while you blow lines? What's G? Do you really want to know?All of the above. Do coke. Coke adds life. -J.Storchavells