The Pilot's Wife - Long Term Relationship Tips With Amy McLaren

With much awaited anticipation, Amy today welcomes her husband Josh as a special guest on the Pilot's Wife show, for the 50th episode. Hear his perspective on the three things he notices most in couples and their relationships. Amy and Josh also talk about the one thing they would say (if they could only say one thing) to encourage couples around the world. And there are some analogies from within the cockpit that can be applied to romantic relationships - if you want to hear a little about how pilots talk while up front...

Have you ever wondered how you (or someone you know) ended up with a lazy / bossy / controlling etc partner? Here's one way it could have happened - but if this is the way it happened, the good news is, it's reversible. Find out how in this latest episode.

Has anyone ever told you you're too assertive, or not assertive enough? There's a certain connotation from the word that makes it a dirty word in romantic relationships. Amy shares the true definition of assertiveness to remove all doubt and explains how to set the scene to exercise some level of assertiveness, so as not to suffer consequences later on.

Take a chill break from whatever you are doing, and have a listen to this chilled "free time" chat from Amy McLaren on a couple of relationship musings. Amy takes a social psychology phenomenon to do with crowds, and wonders if the same thing doesn't happen even when there's just two, not even a crowd. She also chews the fat about contingency planning, given what Josh has been working through at his job this past week. (Backing track is "I Got This" from Fesliyan Studios)

Sometimes, we don't give each other enough credit. This episode is about correcting that. Hear a little bit about Josh & Amy's biggest conflict area in their marriage and how it has been working out during this time, when this area of their marriage has been under the most intense pressure in all their 18 years of being together. https://myweddingmag.co.nz

Has anyone ever asked you the rhetorical question: "What did you expect?" with the meaning that you shouldn't have expected anything other than what you got? In this episode Amy invites couples to actually seek the answer next time someone asks them that. And she invites the male listeners to go against a social norm (in the privacy of their own home of course). Plus, find out how many millions make a billion (oh, you already know? Amy had to look it up - must be all that lack of sleep!) in this refreshing episode of The Pilot's WIfe.

A whole lot of our communication is non-verbal. When we are having a heated discussion, the non-verbal stuff actually blocks the real message getting through. This is often why the argument goes around in circles without getting resolved: because the real message isn't getting through. Amy gives a hack for either type of non-verbal communication style - both body language, and tone, which can be applied in any relationship to trump the non-verbal stuff and allow the real message to get through.

In this episode Amy has been digging around, and found some research from a few years back about an unconventional method for preventing divorce.   http://www.rochester.edu/news/divorce-rate-cut-in-half-for-couples-who-discussed-relationship-movies/movie-list.html

In this special episode, you will get probably the one and only opportunity for you to be a fly on the wall within one of Amy's private couples counselling sessions. Amy goes through some of the values exercise material in a different way to usual, and explains a key concept in maintaining a successful and satisfying relationship that has not been covered before.

There are obvious benefits to working on our relationship skills, primarily being happier and enjoying our life much more when our marriage is doing well. There are also some hidden benefits to becoming relationship ninjas too. Amy highlights one benefit that contributes to a lasting legacy we can build, simply by having a good relationship with our spouse.

Happy New Year! If you're anything like Amy, you've experienced a number of relationships around you, maybe including yours, suffering from some kind of argument or tension over Christmas. It brings about the topic of when relationships feel like they are going in a downwards spiral, how to recognise if this is the pattern or if it's just a temporary, seasonal phenomenon, why it's happening and what to do about it. Be encouraged by the normality of relationship grumpiness and that there is something you can do about it and here is an answer for you.

Amy and Josh don't argue too often, but every couple has their hiccups. Amy has decided to have a break from arguing at all over Christmas - and has come up with a strategy she is going to try out. She invites you to partner with her in trying this method and explains how it would work. This is the final episode for 2020, episodes will re-ignite in early January 2021.

This 100% foolproof, totally successful technique will get you results and a resolution from anything that your partner does that annoys you. Try it for yourself!  In Amy's humourous run-through of the techniques, complete with examples, you'll learn everything you need to know to stop that annoying thing from happening again.

How do you avoid that heavy feeling after a yucky argument with your spouse? How do you move past it and get on with living together? Amy was making some observations of her 5 and 3 year old girls recently. What she discovered was a lesson we can all learn from as adults, and they seem to do it pretty easily. Why do we find it more difficult as adults? Amy gives her best answer, and issues a challenge to try something new in the week that follows.

It's time for... How well do you know your spouse? Tonight Amy has a little quiz for you. But just to be fair, she answers them at the same time she puts them out there... with no prior preparation for the answers! Next week, Amy will report back on her results, after Josh has had a listen and tells her how many facts about him she got wrong.

Yes the marriage rate is declining, and there are those who have put the question: at the current rate of decline, will marriage become a thing of the past entirely? With a lesson from a Russian tradition, Amy discusses the possible reasons behind why less people are getting married and explains why they've got the wrong end of the stick before they even try it.

One of the more common marriage struggles is about intimacy. Instead of laying on you ten or twenty things to try, Amy gives you just two strategies. Understanding and applying these two things will make the biggest difference not only to your intimacy now, but also will help you over and over in future when intimacy hiccups arise again.

When couples seek counselling for help with their communication, they often think they aren't communicating effectively. Amy proposes they are communicating fine, it's just that they each don't like the message their partner is sending. Listen to this episode for tips on communicating at a different level than the default, all inspired by the help Amy and Josh sought and received when struggling with the parenting of one of their daughters.

A storm occurred in Amy and Josh's marriage last week and Amy comes clean about what happened, and how she dealt with it, without being a doormat!   Amy bares her emotions and shares honestly about her raw reaction to a misunderstanding, and learns a big lesson at the end.

A tough topic, but listen to this episode for some tips you won't hear much anywhere else. :)

What does the true meaning of marriage have to do with sitting in a dark carpark at the beach while Josh feeds and bathes the kids and puts them to bed? Listen to this episode to hear Amy's cheeky explanation of her sneaky solo-outing, and how she uses it to illustrate a core truth about marriage relationships.

Things have been hectic in Amy's world, especially with school holidays happening and Josh having completed a week's work in his new Construction Project Manager role. The home responsibilities have ramped up. And there are ongoing sagas with the magazine website not working again and no one being able to fix it so far... So Amy just wanted to chill for this podcast episode. She cues up some chill beats and just chats about a few things she's been thinking about, relationships-wise. Enjoy this well-appreciated break from her usual break-neck talking speed, and a few laughs too.  

Amy takes a swallow of her own medicine and listens to her own advice in the latest episode of The Pilot's Wife. She goes deeper into a concept mentioned in the previous episode (#27) about assessing the risk in any given decision to decide whether to take the risk or not. This method is super simple and exceptionally effective for making good decisions you will not regret.

Especially in the current environment, there are many things that seem to be outside of our control to do with challenges, change and routines. What % of each of these things do you see in your lives? Because if we are unhappy with the proportion of certain things in our lives, we get stressed. And that doesn't usually bode well for the people closest to us. In this episode Amy takes a look at the %'s in her own life, and talks through some examples of ways she is trying to take back some semblance of control in the areas where she isn't happy with the percentages. https://myweddingmag.co.nz

In the final part of a two-part series on Problem Solving, Amy gets into the nitty gritty. This is all about the things to say, how to say them, and what to look for to find the answers you both haven't been able to get so far. If you want to be a boss when it comes to resolving conflict and solving relationship issues, this episode is a must to listen to! www.nomythmarriages.com/married

If you've been listening for a while, you would have noticed Amy talks about problem solving in marriage A LOT. In this episode, the first of a 2-part series, Amy gives you the strategies and tactics for preparing to sit down and solve a problem with your spouse. If you want to have a successful session of problem solving, where the problem actually gets resolved, there is a little bit of prep you need to understand first to get the results you both want. Get a pen and paper, take notes, and if you do this right, you WILL get a win-win solution in your marriage. www.nomythmarriages.com/resources

If you were having trouble in your relationship, would your family tell you to work it through with your partner? Chances are in the NZ culture, they would probably tell you something like "you shouldn't have to put up with that!". There are two problems with this: 1. They are biased  2. They are usually not qualified to advise you on how to resolve your relationship issue Amy uses a slightly sneaky tactic to illustrate her point, and hopes she won't get into too much trouble with Josh when he finds out!

When we face great pressures, the most common reaction is to get angry. How are we supposed to deal with anger from the person we love, when anger is such an unloveable thing to have to respond to? What if it is getting out of hand, and we're getting tired of the anger spewing out too often? Don't worry! Here are some concrete strategies for responding that Amy and Josh have been practising for the past 4-5 years. They've experienced an ongoing set of stressful situations during and after a problematic house build, with two young children, and have practised these strategies over and over - and they work.

In this episode Amy describes detail never before shared about their struggles to have children, and the choice to move ahead with their second-top goal of building a house. After which they finally became pregnant. She tells of problems with their house build, and the crazy times of having no other choice but to live in the house they were building, while it was unfinished (no plumbing) with an unsettled baby, a two year old, and builders with nail guns working around them. Plus, Josh was spending every waking moment he was not away flying planes, helping to complete the build. Amy and Josh have known acute stresses on their relationship, and here's how they made it through without divorcing. www.nomythmarriages.com/married

After filming their online course, in this episode Amy goes back to one of the topics covered in the course - money. She adds more detail about the quote from Tim Ferris, author of The 4-Hour Work Week: "In part, it's laziness. “If only I had more money” is the easiest way to postpone the intense self-examination and decision- making necessary to create a life of enjoyment – now and not later..." Amy talks about the resources needed for our hobbies: money, and time, and poses a challenge for working out exactly how much we need to achieve satisfaction in life.

Did you know that the average married couple spends about 20 minutes PER WEEK talking? But conversations with each other build closeness, which is what provides the most enriching relationship possible. Discover the REAL TRUTH behind three popular myths that we think block us from have regular, rewarding conversations with our spouse.

If we get stuck in a funk in our relationships, what are some things we can do to get ourselves out of it? That is, things that we have control over? For some of us, that might be to try and find something funny to laugh about, since laughing is a fantastic medicine. Amy goes on a journey of discovery to find some really good marriage and relationships jokes, and along the way discusses some really bad ones with a funny disguise.    Only listen to this episode if you want a good laugh!

Has your spouse ever kept doing something that annoys you, even though they know it annoys you? To the point where you're so over it, you wonder if they're the right person for you after all? In this episode Amy takes tips from an Iceberg to describe what might really be going on, and provides some tips to save you on both energy and bad feelings!

If you're almost 14 years' married with two kids does that make you an old married couple? Amy's husband Josh would say "Affirm" (pilot speak) but essentially, yes she thinks that qualifies them for the role of dating guide for other "old married couples". This episode contains some background context including sibling fights, spa pools, and changing peoples' jobs on them, before Amy comes to the point she is trying to make, which is "Never Take Love for Granted". Followed by a bunch of the best date ideas Amy has selected both from prior experience and as a result of some research she has been doing to plan for their 14th anniversary coming up soon. On a shoestring budget of course, reflecting the income prospects of a covid-ousted pilot and small-business starter-upper.

If you've ever watched a boy play something where they win, or achieve the outcome they intended, you'll notice their response almost sounds like bragging... Husbands are naturally good at confidence, and it serves a few important purposes. Wives who are aware of this and want the outcomes it can produce, might want to make sure to encourage their husbands in every opportunity to do something they are good at. And agree with them when they say "Yes! I'm the man!"

When it comes to making a relationship harmonious without being a doormat, wives are by nature, very good at this. However if females get stuck in 'doing' mode, we don't have time to get into 'being' mode, being GOOD at relationships, which is where we are at our best, and where we are the experts as opposed to the males in the house. When relationships are faltering in the household, we as females are the experts in figuring it out. By nature, we are good at forming close bonds and connections. This episode will hopefully encourage the women listeners to rediscover this natural talent underneath all the chores and responsibilities. It will also hopefully help the males to help their females rediscover this, as it will benefit everyone in the house. Listen on for a happy life with a happy wife!

There was once this evil king... with an even more evil mother... and there was a sister who had a good husband, who made a big plan. Have you ever been part of a big plan and been so invigorated, so excited, and felt so in tune with everyone else who was in on the big plan? Amy tells a story or two in this episode to illustrate how making a big plan with your spouse can bring back your mojo, and how the agreement that results brings unity. And really, how your agreement makes you super powerful together!

Have you ever done something really stupid, that you know is bad, to do with your relationship? Maybe you've said some really nasty things because you were stressed, or ignored them when they needed you, or even worse? In this episode Amy describes some awful behaviour she was guilty of and how she figured out a fast comeback, involving something as easy as - turning back around!

If you've never done a personality test before, or it's been a long time since, this episode is for you. Not only is there value in knowing what type of personality you tend towards, it's also very helpful to understand your partner's type as well. The two reasons are 1. understanding goes a long way and 2. once you know what you are dealing with, you can hack each personality type. Amy goes into the detail on how to hack each of the four types outlined in this episode.

If you knew someone was doing something terrible with someone else's spouse, would you tell? What if someone told you they thought a married person was acting inappropriately around you - would you dismiss it? Join Amy in her half-serious, half hilarious exploration of these questions after experiencing both of these stories recently.

When we find ourselves reacting to life's challenges in unsavoury ways that we're not proud of, one way of looking at it is that there's another personality trying to come out and take over. We can name and describe this personality, then compartmentalise the reaction in order to manage it better. Put it in a box, put a label on it and defeat it because you have a box around it! Or that's the logic, thinks Amy, as she gives it a go herself, with humourous results.

In this episode, hear Amy's take on the role of the brain in the development of a decision to be unfaithful. Understand why the total cleverness of the brain can get us into trouble sometimes, learn how it creates solutions for us, and get some advice on how to combat its shortcuts to protect your relationship. Warning: this revelation of how the brain can contribute to bad decisions could change the way you think about villains forever!

Hear why Amy was extremely nervous to record this episode about affairs, how they happen, and how to keep them from happening in your relationship. Get examples of what not to do, as well as strategies for highly reducing the chances of unfaithfulness affecting you and your spouse.

The second part of two episodes about how to get your partner to change their ways. This one is all about problem solving. We go through the techniques for solving relationship problems from start to finish. Don't miss this episode! Find the Problem Solving Diagram on the Resources page at www.nomythmarriages.com.

Have you ever heard the well-worn relationship advice that you can't make your partner change, the only person you can change is yourself? This episode, whilst slightly tongue-in-cheek, will knock your socks off with a strategy that could actually be used to get your partner to make a change in their behaviour.

In this very special episode I describe a day in the life of a pilot's wife, one that actually involved going on a trip where Josh flew the plane. It makes me so happy just remembering this overnight trip. I share about Memory Surfing, a technique we use to 1. raise the mood by reliving good memories to kind of "escape" the present not-so-cool reality and 2. learn and retain lessons from our memories, definitely from the good ones but even the bad ones, if we're feeling up to it.

Maybe one reason why we've never looked into that opportunity we dreamed of is because our life was good. This episode tries to take stock of the present corona virus disaster and the pressures it is placing on households all over the world with an opportunity lens. Here are some of the challenging things happening in our household and some things I'm trying which might help others too.

We don't want to feel like a doormat, so we sometimes might avoid saying sorry in case the other person doesn't respond well. Here's a podcast that will show you how to say sorry to your husband or wife in a way that 1: increases the chances they will offer forgiveness and 2: stops you from feeling like a doormat.

While we're all stuck at home in self isolation, let's be real about why tensions come up, and about our expectations. I offer four tips to help keep your relationship healthy during these stressful times and encourage you to remember why you got married in the first place.

Why this podcast can be good for your relationship, and how to get to your perfect relationship.