Coming Up for Air - Families Speak to Families about Addiction

What are the pitfalls of comparing your story and situation to that of others? How do you live in the world where not everyone is experiencing or expecting substance use or mental health issues, where people more readily discuss their Loved Ones' celebrations, accomplishments, and milestones? Our co-hosts talk about their own frustrations with comparing their situations to those of others, and how they've learned to handle it over time. A membership at Allies in Recovery provides: ✔ A structured online platform to learn CRAFT skills step by step  ✔ Support groups and a community that truly understands  ✔ A Q&A blog with expert advice  ✔ And much more!Start today—visit ⁠Allies in Recovery⁠ to begin creating change in your family.

Dads come together for a fascinating chat about the work they're doing around their children's substance use/recovery. What's different about how Moms and Dads approach the work? They suggest that the love felt for their Loved One is equal, but the interactions are quite different. James,a father of four, points out that Dads are often focused on detaching from their young adult sons, in order to let them become more independent—and this can also be exacerbated by the contrast of Moms being more involved. Dads and Moms might have completely different approaches to parenting their addicted adult children, but this is OK. Learning the CRAFT method and the Allies in Recovery toolkit has given parents common language and references that facilitate their own communications and dynamics around their approaches with their Loved Ones. The more we stay curious, interested and non-judgmental, the more power we have to positively impact the situation. These fathers lay it all out for us and help us to better understand their internal journeys.A membership at Allies in Recovery provides: ✔ A structured online platform to learn CRAFT skills step by step ✔ Support groups and a community that truly understands ✔ A Q&A blog with expert advice ✔ And much more!Start today—visit Allies in Recovery to begin creating change in your family.

Responding to a question from an Allies member, our co-hosts tackle a tough situation. Our member fears her adult child will be triggered to drink at their sibling's upcoming wedding. Things could really get out of hand. Mom's trying to anticipate things CRAFTily, but there are many people involved. Worry and high expectations tend to be baked into weddings. Tune in to hear our team brainstorming in real time and listen to the guidance they offer up.At Allies in Recovery, we know that change starts with us. When we learn to self-regulate, it transforms our relationships with our loved ones struggling with addiction.  A family member (whose loved one is currently in recovery for over a year) recently said this about joining Allies: “I would say, just do it! It's like the Bible of Healing Ourselves. It truly has changed the way I look at people, the way I see the world.”  A membership at Allies in Recovery includes: ✔ Step-by-step training in the CRAFT approach ✔ Support groups and a compassionate community ✔ A Q&A blog with personalized guidance ✔ And more! Visit Allies in Recovery to start your new path towards healing addiction in your family.  

How did Casie Fariello and Liz Reitman come to build Other Parents Like Me (OPLM), an impressive network of worldwide support meetings, expert talks and much more? Kayla speaks with Casey and Liz of OPLM, who describe themselves as "two moms determined to make a difference." The organization supports and educates parents with kids going through mental health challenges of all kinds, often including substance use.For more about OPLM, visit oplm.com.At Allies in Recovery, we train, guide, and support families using the CRAFT method—an evidence-based approach that helps families shift the dynamic with a loved one struggling with addiction. Self-care is a cornerstone of this process, but for many, it's something we have to learn from scratch. A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to:  ✔ Step-by-step CRAFT training through our online learning platform  ✔ Support groups and a community that understands what you're going through  ✔ A Q&A blog with expert guidance  ✔ And much more! Visit Allies in Recovery to start your new path towards healing addiction in your family.  

Though it seems intuitive and important to avoid black and white thinking, what do you do instead? There are shades of gray, but our host Elizabeth suggests that a rainbow spectrum is really where complexity can live, a world where color, acceptance, softening, connection, and recognition of micro-successes are the path leading away from the contraction and defensiveness of black and white thinking.Visit Allies in Recovery to start your new path towards healing addiction in your family.  

The team weighs in definitively on the question, Is Everyone Creative? They share with us some key ways to get your creative juices flowing and move past blockages, and point to creative outlets you may not have considered.The Families Speak team is comprised of mothers and fathers on a journey with an addicted loved one. These family members have encountered the same struggles as anyone else with substance use in the family, but the journey they've embarked on is exceptional. They generously share their experience and tools with us, along with their ongoing challenges.One Families Speak family member recently referred to Allies in Recovery as “the Bible of Healing Ourselves.” VisitAllies in Recovery today and see why.⁠Suzanne Jarvie on spotify⁠ Song featured on part 2: "You Shall Not Pass"

Creativity has been a central element of healing for many of our Families Speak cohosts. For some, it arrived like a lifeline when their family was in crisis. For others, creativity remained frustratingly out of reach during the lowest point of crisis. The team dives into the countless ways we can access creative energy, and how it helped them. "Creativity is in everything if you're paying attention," affirms Allies in Recovery parent, Suzanne. (See below to find her music online)The Families Speak team is comprised of mothers and fathers on a journey with an addicted Loved One. These family members have encountered the same struggles as anyone else with substance use in the family, but the journey they've embarked on is exceptional. They generously share their experience and tools with us, along with their ongoing challenges.One Families Speak family member recently referred to Allies in Recovery as “the Bible of Healing Ourselves.” Visit Allies in Recovery today and see why.Suzanne Jarvie on spotify Song featured on part 1: Angel of Light

Kayla and Isabel speak with Mississippi native Jane Clair Tyner, Communications Manager of the dynamic education and advocacy organization, End It For Good. Jane Clair describes the "Thank God moment" she had when she first discovered the CRAFT method, albeit bittersweet: she had already lost her first-born son to drug-related complications. She weighs in on the current challenge faced by Allies in Recovery and so many other organizations who are losing their funding because of the current administration. Find out what Jane Clair Tyner sees as the best possible ways to shine light on the situation and move things forward. A beautiful and inspiring conversation.End It For Good (founded by Christina Dent, who we've interviewed several times) promotes health-based alternatives to drugs, and fights against the criminalization of drug use. Learn more here: www.EndItForGood.comAt Allies in Recovery, we train, guide, and support families using the CRAFT method—an evidence-based approach that helps families shift the dynamic with a loved one struggling with addiction. Self-care is a cornerstone of this process, but for many, it's something we have to learn from scratch. A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to: ✔ Step-by-step CRAFT training through our online learning platform ✔ Support groups and a community that understands what you're going through ✔ A Q&A blog with expert guidance ✔ And much more! Visit Allies in Recovery to start your new path towards healing addiction in your family.  

For these parents, behavior change started when they began coming to terms with not having control over their Loved One. Learn about the stages of behavior change that we all go through, and how to open to the challenge. Delve into this inspiring conversation and consider Kayla's affirmation that: "If I'm part of the problem, it means I'm also part of the solution!"Psychotherapist Kayla Solomon invites members from the support group she facilitates for Allies in Recovery to share their experiences navigating addiction in the family. These parents have faced similar struggles to so many others—but with Allies in Recovery, they've found a new way forward. A membership at Allies in Recovery provides: ✔ A structured online platform to learn CRAFT skills step by step ✔ Support groups and a community that truly understands ✔ A Q&A blog with expert advice ✔ And much more! Start today—visit Allies in Recovery to begin creating change in your family.

It's human to make decisions that we later regret. Especially when addiction is present in our Loved Ones, fear and deep concern can often color our decision-making process. To see more clearly, we can take a step (or two) back and look at the situation through a new lens.I'm used to considering my Loved One's needs first, but where do I fit into the equation? What are my own needs right now and what/where are my boundaries? What can I live with and what can't I? What are my core values and am I respecting them? Can I change my mind if I realize I've made a decision that might be unlivable for me? If you originally told your Loved One they could come home, but now you think that was a mistake and you need to let them know you've changed your mind, consider planning ahead: have a plan for what you'll say, be ready to remove yourself if things get very tense or even dangerous.Module 2 on safety is an essential one to watch. Module 4 on how to talk to your Loved One will also be very helpful here. Module 7 on navigating and regulating difficult emotions, is full of precious guidance.And here is the episode Kenny mentions having listened to multiple times, that you might also appreciate: How Do You Negotiate When Your Loved One is Coming Home? Our Families Speak series features a wonderful team of people navigating life with an addicted loved one. They are all members of Allies in Recovery, an online platform providing training, guidance, support and resources to families ready to shift the dynamic with their loved one struggling with substance use.With grace, compassion, humility and deep generosity, the Families Speak team shares openly with Coming Up for Air listeners. We can thus benefit from their experience, their process, and the work they do with group facilitator and psychotherapist, Kayla Solomon.Visit Allies in Recovery to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more!

There's a science to identifying the ripest moments for talking with your Loved One and knowing how to navigate them. Find out the opening lines that are sure to shut the conversation down before it even starts. Find out how to approach your Loved One in a way that keeps communication lines open. And finally, find out what you should have in your back pocket in case a ripe moment arises.A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to:· Support groups for connection & guidance· Our online learning platform to teach you through the CRAFT skillset step-by-step· A Q&A blog where you can ask questions and receive tailored guidance· And much more!Visit alliesinrecovery.net to explore membership options, read our blog, meet our team, and start your journey today.

When we face uncertainty, especially in relation to a Loved One struggling with substances, we tend to catastrophize, and challenging emotions like fear and helplessness can take over. As one mother puts it, "I jump on the zipline to nowhere." Each of our Families Speak co-hosts brings nuggets of wisdom and hard-earned strategy to this super-relevant conversation.

Children are often present when a parent or other Loved One uses substances problematically. It can be complicated to know how much to say to them about the substance use, and they might not necessarily have the words to talk about it. Kayla and Isabel talk about ways to spare the children as much as possible, and even "use them" as leverage.

Two sisters continue to look at their present-day relationship with a Dad with problematic drinking and mental illness. How have they changed the way they respond now as young adults, when they see him drinking? What observations do they have of CRAFT in action? Kayla weighs in with some inspired guidance for the girls, going forward.The CRAFT method was designed for any family member to use with a Loved One suffering from addiction and/or mental health issues. Allies in Recovery guides you through the steps with videos, exercises, Q & A discussion blogs and live support groups. The toolkit you gain will benefit both you and your Loved One. Learn more here. 

An honest and deeply real account from two sisters. They were pre-teens when their parents split up and they started to see the signs their Dad had a serious drinking problem. Their mom began using CRAFT with him and the girls navigated as best they could. Fast forward 13 years: they're young adults, both living far away. How have they been affected and where are they today?The CRAFT method was designed for any family member to use with a Loved One suffering from addiction and/or mental health issues. Allies in Recovery guides you through the steps with videos, exercises, Q & A discussion blogs and live support groups. The toolkit you gain will benefit both you and your Loved One. Learn more here.

When your Loved One has substance use and/or mental illness, communication can get sticky and prickly pretty quickly. Yet there's no world where we'll never need to have difficult conversations with our family members. CRAFT provides an incredibly effective toolbox for developing more easeful relationships. In this episode, our co-hosts—family members dealing with a Loved One's substance/mental health struggles—share how they've come to approach sensitive topics. The skillset they've learned from Allies in Recovery, and the dedicated way they have practiced using those skills, has helped them to recognize the best times to share a comment, the best tone/mindset to adopt when doing so, and what reasonable expectations are for these exchanges.Every human can benefit from this conversation which is overflowing with wisdom, humility and common sense approaches.Learn more about Allies in Recovery and how we can help you help your Loved One.

What goes around, comes around. Kenny, Bridget, and Elizabeth share some of their all-time favorite Coming Up for Air episodes and explain what was so impactful about them.Our Families Speak cohosts came to Allies in Recovery as family members looking for help with shifting the dynamic with an addicted Loved One. Like you, they discovered the Coming Up for Air podcast and started exploring the rich collection of episodes. These family members have gotten so fluent with the CRAFT method and the Allies site that they are guiding other families toward lasting change and deep relief. Tune in for your weekly dose of wisdom, skills-building and humility with the Fabulous Families Speak team.One Families Speak family member recently referred to Allies in Recovery as “the Bible of Healing Ourselves.” Visit alliesinrecovery.net today and see why.

Kayla checks in with Annie Highwater, a regular contributor to our blog, about ways that CRAFT and Allies in Recovery's member site have changed her as a person.Is your Loved One struggling with addiction? Allies in Recovery's online program can help. You'll learn a powerful, evidence-based approach to improve your wellbeing and that of other family members. Allies in Recovery provides the strategy, words, and actions a family needs to successfully move their Loved One with addiction toward stopping substance misuse/addiction.   Allies in Recovery also teaches families to navigate the world of addiction and recovery, including working towards engaging a Loved One into care and treatment. The program trains families to be effective participants in the journey to wellness for a Loved One with addiction. Let's get you on the road to becoming an ally! Visit alliesinrecovery.netTo learn more about Annie Highwater, you can check her out on FB, listen to her podcast "The Unhooked Podcast", or check out her books, Unhooked and Unbroken.

Money is already such a huge issue for almost everyone, before you even add Substance Use Disorder (SUD) into the mix! Things get exponentially more complex when it's your loved one with addiction issues asking for money. Whether it's "just 20 dollars" or rent for an apartment, families often experience the feeling of being hostage to their fear for their loved one. Giving your loved one money can play into that dynamic. Our hosts share their stance re: money before finding CRAFT, and what changed (for the better!) once they were using the CRAFT toolkit that we teach at Allies in Recovery. A fascinating conversation that brings helpful perspectives for the sticky issue of money.

In part 2 of 2, Isabel, Kayla, and their co-hosts -- family members with direct experience -- discuss their favorite tools and tips they've picked up from working with the CRAFT method through Allies in Recovery.

Isabel, Kayla, and co-hosts with direct experience discuss their favorite tools and tips they've picked up from working with the CRAFT method through Allies in Recovery. Part 1 of 2.

If you have an addicted loved one, chances are you're all too familiar with "hyper-arousal" or "survival mode." As Emily explains with brio, this state is meant to serve us when there's danger, then pass. What does it look like when we're chronically in this mode? Physical and mental/emotional signs are there and can serve as signposts, Emily explains, indicating we're heading down a certain path. Awareness is KEY in being able to begin the process of observing, naming what's happening, then (once the actual crisis has subsided) gathering tools and rehearsing a response for the next time. At AlliesinRecovery.net we train, guide and support families using the CRAFT method. Self-care is a cornerstone, for so many reasons, but many of us need to learn it from scratch. Visit alliesinrecovery.net to learn more about membership. To learn more about Emily Cooney, and her coaching offerings, visit emilycooney.com or @goldfinch_wellness

Sometimes, our loved ones' situations call for incredibly difficult decisions. Co-host Hazel shares a recent high-stakes moment that felt like a necessary betrayal.

When there's substance use disorder and mental health diagnoses, what do you do? Can you use CRAFT? Yes, most of the time you can, unless the mental health issues make you or them unsafe. Co-host Bridget offers a central point: with this difficult combo, think of what is, not "what if."

How do you deal with having hard feelings around your loved one's substance use? Kayla, Carolyn, Bridget, Elizabeth, and Kenny discuss their experiences and feelings of anxiety, frustration, and fear and their tools for handling the situation.

Kayla and Isabel discuss the complications of reward in the context of a partner relationship. How does it affect time with children? How about intimacy?

Kayla and Isabel discuss the challenges of early recovery. What are realistic expectations to have of our loved ones in this period? What can we do as a family member to support them and, importantly, to keep ourselves in check? It's helpful to know what "early recovery" means -- there's a spectrum that goes from complete abstinence to harm reduction (using less). Recovery in the largest sense is engaging in a process to heal.

Our hosts discuss advice and experiences around the holidays, from answering questions about how loved ones are doing to creating new traditions in lieu of old ones. Maintaining connections, but with boundaries and without enmeshment, is an important part of the work. When ties are blurry, it's harmful to your loved one. It can make them feel guilt and shame about what they're doing to you. One of the first aspects of CRAFT work is addressing separation and connection.

It's incredibly hard to have a loved one who's experiencing homelessness. Our hosts—Hazel, Kevin, and Greer—join Kayla Solomon to discuss their experiences with their loved ones and offer hard-won advice. They say it's important to try to create an environment of openness, connection, and availability—up to a point. But it's also important to have boundaries. If you're not giving advice or intervening in ways your loved one is not asking for, they get the life experience of their choices, but they also have loving connections available. When they're ready, you're ready to help them with a list of resources.

If we're doing too much for our loved ones with substance use disorder, we'll never truly know how capable they are. We need to step back to see their capability and witness their choices, realizing that they have their own motivations and values. CRAFT is about creating a strong connection without necessarily doing things for them. This is a process, one which respects the other person. Do the things that feel right, but not if you're stepping over a line. You may try and fail, or need to apologize and take resposibility. You can change your actions, do things and also, importantly, not do things.

Recovery is progress, not perfection, and it doesn't look the same for everyone. It can be easy to impose expectations of your own onto your loved one. But as you ease up on expectation, you're taking the pressure off your loved one, allowing them space to try things and just see how it goes. Sometimes mistakes are learning moments. If we can change our expectation and the perception of what we're seeing, noticing and acknowledging the positive, acknowledging our own feelings, we give them space to grow and we can learn more about what growth looks like from their perspective. Changing yourself makes room for your loved one to change as well.

It's easy to feel like you have to be perfect with CRAFT, perfect with your loved one to be successful. But perfectionism gets in the way of connection. It can blind us, keep us from seeing our loved one fully. Acknowledging things not going the way you wanted, taking responsibility for behavior that doesn't work--that's part of the connection, and the healing part of the process. If your loved one feels connection and love, that's the beginning of treatment.

What you don't do – like get caught up in being a superhero, or telling our loved ones what they “should do” – can help your relationships emerge as partnerships. If we develop good relationships, we have power. If we have the capacity to change, we have power. If we have awareness, we can make choices, and that gives us power, too. If we are what can change, them making changes in ourselves can have a huge impact on those around us.

Self-care is a pillar of CRAFT; helping yourself is essential to helping your loved one. A lot of CRAFT focuses on a parent trying to help an adult child, so how do we shift things in a partner relationship so we're able to play the starring role in our own lives? Is there room to focus on ourselves when our loved one is not showing up in the relationship, family, or household?

When your partner suffers from Substance Use Disorder, what are realistic expectations in your relationship? Are your expectations setting you up for frustration? Which of your needs can you meet for yourself? Kayla Solomon and Isabel Cooney explore the often sticky nature of partnership when SUD is involved.

A listener writes that she wonders about staying with her husband, who struggles with alcohol but hasn't responded to CRAFT thus far. Would leaving him constitute "natural consequences?" Isabel Cooney and Kayla Solomon examine this important question. Kayla, an IMAGO couples therapist, explains the dynamic of pursuer vs. avoider—which are you with your loved one?

The original CRAFT is outcome-driven and behavioral-based, aimed at getting people into treatment. Allies has made it more connection- and relationship-oriented, focused on listening and communication. The same skill set Allies focuses on -- validating, not arguing, not giving advice or challenging someone's reality or perception -- often works with someone dealing with mental health challenges. Creating that space helps that person feel calm and heard.

What happens to the 30 percent who, in the traditional, research-based CRAFT model, don't make it to treatment in 12 weeks? The Allies version -- "applied" CRAFT -- goes beyond the 12-week version and focuses on change, not just going to treatment. By making changes, starting with yourself, you are engaging in the same work as "treatment." CRAFT focuses on stepping back, listening, reframing, and communicating well, all starting points for long-term change.

What do these terms mean? Should we use them? And are they disparaging? "Dry drunk" comes from Alcoholics Anonymous, and refers to someone who's abstinent, but may not obviously be doing more than remaining abstinent. And "manipulation" is often in the eye of the beholder; CRAFT can help take the judgment out of it. The only fact you have is what is internal to you. CRAFT aims to help you get to know your process, and make choices on how you feel, what you need, and the boundaries you can live with.

How do you work with anxiety so it's of service to you? Sometimes, anxiety is information akin to intuition, a sign that maybe you need to set up a boundary. At the same time, the only completely accurate fact in moments of anxiety is that you don't know. Part of the work we need to do is getting comfortable with and coping with not-knowing.

Approach the question of capability with awareness and connection. Look at your own awareness of what they'e capable of or struggling with. You may be doing too much, leaving you unaware of what they can truly do. Do mini-experiments when they want to do things, and collect data. Help them have an opportunity to succeed or fail. Foster connection by not being critical or having huge expectations. Try to help them with their own awareness -- without expecting that they'll do the same, tell them what you're working on, and what you've learned gets in your way.

Our hosts speak with Dr. Julie McCarthy, Associate Psychologist at McLean Hospital and Assistant Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School. She completed her bachelor's degree at Tufts University and clinical psychology doctoral training with a focus on schizophrenia research at the University of Maryland, College Park. She completed her pre-doctoral internship and post-doctoral fellowship in addiction research at McLean Hospital, and she is currently a principal investigator in the Division of Psychotic Disorders. Dr. McCarthy has received funding from the National Institute of Mental Health, National Institute on Drug Abuse, Harvard Medical School, and philanthropic support. Her research aims to identify biopsychosocial treatment targets and develop and evaluate interventions for individuals and families, such as Community Reinforcement and Family Training for Early Psychosis and substance use. She is a CRAFT-certified therapist, supervisor, and trainer. Dr. McCarthy uses a multimodal telehealth approach to better understand and address barriers to care and promote recovery initiatives informed by people with lived experience through community-engaged research.

Celebrate the small victories, so they become bigger. Take yourself out of the story so your loved one can write their own. Trust that they can function on some level. They have the skills they use to navigate the difficult world of substance use, and those skills just need to be translated to a different lifestyle.

Taking a deliberate break to do nothing is about clearing a space, removing internal clutter and distraction. You can often gain new insight and power to make choices in that space. It's about taking care of yourself, replenishing and healing, and coming up with better ideas than your more anxious or panicked self can.

What does it mean to CRAFT? It means slowing things down to look at them in a more complex way, seeing behavior in light of abstinence versus use, using positive reinforcement for positive changes, not focusing on the negative. CRAFT asks you to look at yourself and your reactions, self-talk, and storytelling so that you can step back and make considered choices about how to interact. Bring compassion, not judgment to the situation. What looks like laziness or avoidance may be depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem.

When the stakes are low, CRAFT seems easier to use. What do you do when the stakes are high, when danger feels present? Assessing safety -- yours and theirs -- is first. But CRAFT, even in those moments, can help you communicate more effectively while still holding to the boundaries you need. It's tougher in high-stakes situations, so go easy on yourself. It may not be perfect, but just give it a try, one step at a time.

Our hosts address a post from someone whose boyfriend just went to detox. So how does CRAFT come into play now? The reasons someone drank or used drugs before haven't gone away, and they come bubbling to the surface. CRAFT--and the CRAFT community--help you with the process that's begun with this first step of going to treatment.

People around you may want to be helpful, but not know quite how to truly help. They may offer pat answers or tell you to calm down because things aren't so bad. The temptation is to play the short game, to get caught up in the moment and solve the immediate crisis. Instead, learn how to calm your system CRAFT-style, so that you can process and not be as reactive. Think longer-term -- if you do the CRAFT work over time, join groups, find community, and learn new ways of thinking, it changes the process. Use the Allies in Recovery site to ask questions and connect to others in the community you, as an Allies podcast listener, are part of.

Your situation is uniquely your own. But as with any illness, it's not entirely unique—others are also dealing with the illness. Trying strategies to manage your condition is the same thing as using CRAFT for coping with addiction. An important part of CRAFT is the C, which stands for “community.” Don't be hopeless. Step out and bring the things you're struggling with to the site, possibly to a group. Meet the people dealing with similar issues, and break the isolation to find out what the experts—other families—are doing.

We sometimes hitch our well-being to another person's behavior and emotional state. Strong negative emotions can get in the way of connection. When they happen, notice and respond, but don't derail with the other person. You can see your thoughts as stories -- what story are you telling yourself that produces your emotions? The idea is to turn your attention to yourself and what the emotion is doing to you. Try to slow down so you can be most effective, and work on your own sense of well-being, which will positively affect your loved one. Take time to work on your emotions separately, not dumping them on others. Ask "How do I manage and express this emotion in a productive way?" This is the beginning of stronger connection.

How do you make good decisions when the fear of your loved one's death colors everything? If you're stuck in a bad dynamic, your only option is to do things differently. CRAFT tools can help you change the dynamic over time, and help your loved one stay alive. It involves facing the fear, and implementing CRAFT on your own terms, in your own time.