Judy Bartkowiak - Family Therapist/Author and Trainer

Illustration Gus Scott The GuardianThanks for reading Understanding children and teens by Judy Bartkowiak! This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Sharing my writing journey and decisions about publishing. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

No-one wins every game, every match, every point. Failure is part of the process of winning. It's an important part because we learn from it. We learn what to do better next time. We learn about choosing other options, being flexible in our thinking, trying another approach. It makes us work harder, strive more.Through failing and working through it, we get stronger, more resilient, but it isn't easy, especially when you're young.Many young athletes want to make their parents proud, impress their coach and have their teammates cheer for them and celebrate their triumphs. But doing well to get the approval of others isn't something we can control. It's fragile and it can make us vulnerable when that is our aim.Winning isn't in our control because it depends on others performing less well on the day than you.It can depend on the standard of the competition, the state of the environment – weather, ground, crowd, so many factors beyond our control.Have you heard of the Feedback sandwich?Overall, what went well?What could I have done more of?What could I have done less of?Overall, what was the positive feedback for me?Let's apply this to your last sports event.This is a bit more like a feedback bap isn't it?!What went well?What could I have done more and what could I have done less ofOverall, what is the positive feedback for meLet's learn something about feedback.Who has an ‘inner critic' who says things like this.“Why do you always do that?”“Why do I never score”“Why is everyone better than me”“No-one passes to me”These are Generalisations and they are never true.The interesting thing about generalisations is actually the exceptions.So write down a generalisation using: always/never, everyone/no-one that you say to yourself.I always …………………………………………….I never………………………………………………Everyone …………………………………………..No-one…………………………………………………..Now change these toSometimes I…………………………………………….Some people……………………………………………Think about those times when that thing did not happen and there you have your ‘model of excellence'.What was ‘the difference that made the difference' on that occasion? Do this more often!Let's look at another way we give ourselves feedback. Coaches, teachers, listen up because perhaps you could change the way you give feedback.Deletions are when we delete the detail or the context so for example“That was better”“You didn't play well today”“That was mean”Ask, how, in what way to get the detail that you can learn from.In order to learn from that feedback we need to know what we did that made the difference so we can do it again.Let me tell you something you may not know. You may sometimes talk about your ‘anxiety' or ‘anger issue'. These are deletions too. Why? Because they don't really tell you anything do they? What is missing? The context. You're not anxious all the time or angry all the time. If this may apply to you, have a go at some of these ways to reframe these deletions to include the context and get more mindset control for your sport.I feel anxious when ………………………………..What worries me is if……………………………………………………………….... makes me anxiousI'm worried about……………………………………I feel angry when………….………………………..…………………………………...makes me angryIf …………………………….……I get really angryNow let's link these so you can see the connection.I feel angry when……………………………………..and I'm worried that………………………………….So next time you feel angry about something, ask yourself what you were worried about. Then give it a score of 0-10 as to how likely that thing is to happen. If more than 5 do something about it and if less than 5, take some deep breaths and choose to calm down. Control your controllables!Another form of deletion is saying‘I can't'Again we have deleted the context.When can't you?Who says?'What if you could?When can you?What ‘can't' you do?I can't…………………………………………………….Now answer those questions above.When can't you?......................................................Who says this?.........................................................What if you could?...................................................When can you?.........................................................In NLP terms, it is called a modal operator of possibility in that it makes what is possible, impossible in that moment. It is a blocker.What can't you do in your sport?I can't…………………………………………………Let me tell you a story.I was training two students at my house a few years ago and we were talking about ‘beliefs of excellence'.I asked N what she'd like to be able to do. She wanted to do a Yoga headstand. “I can do that, said J” and proceeded to show her. N had a go but said “It's no good, I can't do it.”She watched again and tried again but still insisted that she couldn't do it. Each time she just did a little bunny hop and didn't manage to get her bottom far enough over her head to be able to raise her legs up the wall.We went through the structure with J. What did she do first, then next and so on but N still couldn't do it.This brings me to the NLP Modelling process whereby you copy someone who can do the thing you want to do OR importantly focus on the time YOU can do that thing, and identify the successful belief. Think about what you were thinking just before you do the thing and it works brilliantly.J said: “Just before I do a Yoga headstand I think ‘this will be fun'”N laughed and said “I'm thinking, ‘I can't do this'”Of course, we can clearly see that if you think you can't do something then you won't be able to do it. We're literally telling ourselves that we can't do it and because the mind and body are connected, we won't be able to do it.N said she could not imagine doing the yoga headstand as ‘fun' so I asked her to imagine something that she thought was fun, before she attempted the headstand. She did that and she achieved an absolutely perfect yoga headstand straight away.The learning here is that ‘If you always do what you've always done (note the generalisation) you'll always get what you've always got.'. Your old way of thinking did not work.Instead, take a different way of thinking that is successful for someone else or for that time when you have successfully done that thing.When you find yourself using a generalisation in your thinking, ask yourself:“Really? Is that really always true. When was it not true? What happened then? What was my thinking? What was my belief about doing that thing?” Now transfer that more effective or resourceful belief to where you need it now.Then lastly we have Distortions. These are mindreads. We are making an assumption about the intentions of another player, team-mate, the coach or teacher or your parent.You cannot read people's minds. Think about it.He deliberately……………………………………..She made me feel…………………………………They don't like me………………………………….Give yourself and others feedback that you and they can learn from.This is my latest book. You can buy it for Kindle as an EBook or a paperback where your sporty teen can ‘engage' with it, underline bits, highlight, make notes and so on. Thanks for reading Understanding children and teens by Judy Bartkowiak! This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

I'm reading the Introduction where I ask you to ‘Control your controllables' because it can be stressful for young athletes to feel responsible for winning when there are so many things you can't control. I'm also asking you to think about all the benefits you get from your sport - confidence, resilience and managing feedback and emotions. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is how I explain to children how their mind works! I explain that something happens, which we call the activating event. We then send this through all our neuro - our mind thinks about when this last happened, what they believe about this thing and then what it means for them, their internal representation. Then this is expressed through words and body language - linguistic and this results in a behaviour which is the programme. If we want a different outcome we need to change the processing in our mind. We can control this. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

I've been using creative approaches to understand children and teens and help them express how they feel for many many years. In this podcast I tell you how this started and how it has developed, what it is and what it isn't. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Probably the most useful lesson from my NLP training as a mum - how to better manage my teen's angry outbursts! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is the introduction to NLP for Sport, the 10th book in the Engaging NLP series of workbooks. This book focuses on the sports' mindset and is for children and teens and also for adults. I hope you'll find it helpful for any sport and also for fitness and gym work. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

How can NLP help us as parents, what are the concepts from Gestalt, TA, CBT and Jung? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

An exercise to guide you through journaling on aspects of your own childhood experiences to better understand how that has affected you as a parent. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

null This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Leo has just joined Dreamland International. He’s angry and feels alone because his family have moved and he has left all his friends. Zafar has been asked to be his buddy and help Leo settle in but he soon gives up because Leo is so angry. He asks his sister Azeezah and her friends Wuraola and Nneka to help. They remember the anchoring technique from a school visit by Judy Bartkowiak(!) (read about it in Queens of Africa Learn Confidence) and teach it to Leo. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Continuing the Logical Levels of Change and how to work with your child to consider making changes in order to fully align themselves to whatever goal they have in mind. Do the exercise on perhaps a minor goal first so they get the idea and then apply it to one that might be more important. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Becoming a parent is a huge change in identity just as children experience changes in their identity as they move through the school years, noticing how their skills develop, how their values become more established and how they become their own person. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Does your child or teen struggle with change? Do you wonder why one of your children can cope with change and another can’t?Would you like to know some good things to say in these circumstances? This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

What is low self-esteem, how do we know when we have it and how can we use simple morning affirmations to start our day in a positive mindset, then track and monitor changes through the day by recognising when we catastrophise, generalise or distort what happens. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Modelling in NLP is the process by which we can acquire new skills either by observing how someone else does them with excellence or how we do it, maybe in another area of our life. It is based on the premise that we already have the skills we need and this is fundamental to how we coach. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Applying NLP to parenting, why learning some NLP tools and techniques can enhance your existing parenting skills. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Children find it difficult to explain how they feel yet we want to help them. Learn how to use their imagination and creativity to describe how they feel so you can better help them. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Your thoughts are not facts yet we react to them as if they are. What if, you took control of them, rather than them taking control of you? This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This extract is taken from ‘Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents’. You can get your signed copy from the bookshop on my website or from your own bookshop, Amazon or The Book Depository. Look out for the next part which is about the NLP Metaprogrammes which adds a further level of complexity which will be really helpful. Bookshop This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

As women, we find it hard to say ‘no’, don’t we? We want to be helpful, oblige others, be friendly and likeable. We genuinely want to say ‘yes’ but we can end up saying yes yes yes yes until we get overtired, ill, have headaches and maybe end up having to say ‘no’ from a place of weakness simply because we really can’t do whatever it is. What if we developed our ‘inner knowing’ such that we could check in with ourselves and ask the question, “is this something I want to do?”, “is this something I need to do”, “is this the right thing to do?”.What if we practise saying ‘no’ and meaning it?How will our children learn to say ‘no’ when they may be subject to pressure from their peers to do things you’d rather they didn’t do, things they don’t want to do? I’ve heard from mums who tell me that their boss expects them to answer emails immediately because after all, they’re working at home, but they’re emailing in the evening when they’re putting children to bed. I hear from mums who don’t feel they can go for a run in the middle of the day in case they miss a call from work. We all do too much. We love too much. We care too much. We treat others far better than we treat ourselves. Say ‘yes’ to that bubble bath, that run, that reading time, that lunch with a friend, whatever makes you feel you’re special, say ‘yes’ to that and learn to say ‘no’ to those who are not valuing you and your time. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

This is me talking about how to use clean language and why we need to add this tool to our parenting bag of tricks. It comes to an abrupt end as I was on my ‘writing hour’ at the time! I’m not clever enough to do any editing or add to it and in any case I’d really made my main points. One of the things I feel about what I do is to be authentic so here it is warts and all! This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe

Another of the NLP metaprogrammes is ‘towards and away from thinking’. When we focus on what we want to happen, what we want more of, how we want to be, this is ‘towards’. If we focus on what we don’t want, what we want less of and how we don’t want to be, this is called ‘away from’. Our mind wants to know what we want and finds it hard when we tell it “I don’t want to be worrying about what other people say”, “I don’t want to feel left out and anxious”. The words it hears there are ‘worrying about what other people say’ and ‘left out and anxious’.If you’d like to know more about the metaprogrammes and about VAK which I mention in the podcast, you might want to buy my book ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’. You can buy it on Amazon or from my website. I’ll be making podcasts on all of them If you’re a coach or therapist or perhaps a teacher you may like to subscribe to my substream as I shall be posting a quiz there so a child can work out whether they are ‘towards’ or ‘away from’. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit judybart.substack.com/subscribe