Idiot's Guide to Horror

Welcome back to summer camp, creepies! We're continuing our journey with Leigh Janiak's Fear Street Part II: 1978. We talk about the weird topography of Camp Nightwing, discuss our own time at summer camp, and reveal what it would be like if we were to die together. Connect the hand with the body and the ears with the podcast!

Ugh as if, Creepies! Join us on a trip back to the 90s as we talk about Fear Street Part One: 1994! This week we talk about the 90's teenage urge to hang out at the mall, we ask the hard questions like why don't watermelons have bones, and what if Mary Berry was the masked killer? Stop what you're doing and listen now!

I wonder who the real cannibals are, creepies? We ponder this and other existential questions while we finally dine on the depraved cult classic, Cannibal Holocaust (1980)! How does it compare to Eli Roth's later homage? How many non-horror recommendations can we fit into a single episode? Is the professor from this movie kinda…hot? All these questions and more answered in just under an hour!

Nostrovia, creepies! We're back from our hiatus to discuss our (one and only) Pride month movie, Hostel: Part II! We talk a lot about Heather Matarazzo, CGI nipples, and plot points that go nowhere but at the end of the day, it's all about people getting their dicks ripped off, right? It's good to be back!

*barf noises*, creepies! This week, we're finally slicing up the details on Eli Roth's Hostel (2005), aka the grandaddy of the torture porn genre! We also wish we were European enough to call the club a "disco," discuss the major details of international train travel, and gag over the bloodshed. Pack your backpacks and let's get to traveling! 

Grab your pickaxes and carabiners, creepies, and come spelunking with us into the depths of The Descent (2005)! This week, we're skeptical about the movie's take on anatomy, we revisit the hairstyles of the early 00s, and we talk about how we'd never invite anyone we care about spelunking. Oh, wait...we did that at the beginning of this description, didn't we? But just as a metaphor, we promise!

Ch ch ch ch ah ah ah ah, creepies! To celebrate the Friday the 13th that just passed, we're discussing the slasher classic....Friday the 13th! We also delve a little bit into the legality of hitchhiking and ultimately end up ranking the Tarantino films in order of how much we liked them! Don't miss out!

Batter up, creepies! Happy Mother's Day! This week, to celebrate all the moms, we're covering low-key anthem to single moms, Child's Play! We discuss the origins of Chucky, what makes a slasher a slasher, and what it's like to date Chris. 

It's "House of Leaves as f*ck," creepies. We're back and we're covering David Bruckner's 2021 psychological-paranormal horror The Night House. We mostly just have a really bad case of the giggles and introduce you to our new assistant Stacey, as well as discuss the Venga Bus. This movie might have a dumbass ending...we hope to offer closure. 

Chocolate, candy, bread, love and dreams, creepies! We're talking about the highly influential House (1977) and boy, does Chris wish we didn't have to! That makes room for lots of other discussions, like a riveting talk about hose water, Magic Mike 2, Frasier vs. Cheers, and Cara even reveals the identity of a girlfriend that you've never met because she goes to another school. Our names may not be Fantasy or Sweet, but we still want to show you a good time! 

Behind you, creepies! This week, we're going over David Robert Mitchell's 2014 instant classic, It Follows. Cara issues an apology for recommending a certain filmmaker, and Chris tells us what's going to happen when his first child is born. That's not an announcement, but...there is another announcement in this episode! What is it? Well, listen and find out, goofball!

This one night changes everything for us, creepies! In honor of Ti West *finally* releasing a new film, we go over one of his oldest and best, The House of the Devil! Well...kinda. The movie is really easy to talk about, which makes room for lots of other conversations. Have you ever wanted to know how easy it would be to kill Cara? Are you ready to say goodbye to Chris's beloved Oliver Twist character? Put on your headphones and dance around the house to the sweet sounds of our voices.

Mark it up, creepies! This week, Cara n' Chris are singing the praises (eh) of Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008). We also discuss how Rob Zombie could possibly make a movie without "the swears," what could have kept Alexa PenaVega's wig in place, and wonder how the hell Sarah Brightman wound up here. Zydrate comes in a little glass vial (a little glass vial??!??!!), but we come in a little loud podcast.

You should join us, creepies! This week, Chris and Cara are mentally vacationing in Santa Carla with The Lost Boys. We lean in heavily to our favorite undertones of the film. Chris also has a fundamental misunderstanding of a popular meat stick's slogan, and Cara apologizes to fans of Robert Pattinson for years of mistreatment. We still believe!

It's another Nic Cage episode, creepies! This week, Chris n' Cara discuss Panos Cosmatos' psychedelic revenge flick Mandy. Chris furthers his orphan character's origin story, we stump for Willy's Wonderland again, and also remind you that we may look like metalheads but we actually both just really love Paris Hilton. We may not be your God now, but we're pretty goddamn cute.

It's exactly what you think it is, creepies! For our one year anniversary, Cara enthusiastically picked the iconic cult classic Pieces and Chris tolerated it. In what we immediately regarded as one of our most fun episodes, we teach you how to dance like it's the 80s, discuss Pittsburgh toilets, and try to decide which undesirable movie we would watch under threat of death. Thanks for a great first year! 

We have such sights to show you, creepies! This week, we're talking about Clive Barker's Hellraiser (1987). We also discuss mattresses, mullets, and create a business called MouthMatch. We won't tear your soul apart but we're hoping to take you to a new realm of horror knowledge.

BEEEEEEP, creepies! Get it? The opening line is censored for being too funny because we're covering Prano Bailey-Bond's incredible debut, Censor (2021)! We also talk about Euphoria, revisit our argument about the ending of The Thing, and Chris is sad that he was unable to clock a wig for the first time. What we're doing helps people, okay? 

Hungry, creepies? This week, Cara n' Chris are feasting on Julia Ducournau's  Raw (2016).  We also discuss the Beckham family genetics, Chris's imaginary relationship with one of the characters, and wonder if veterinarian school is really this wild. Steel your tummies and take a bite!

What an excellent day for a podcast, creepies! This week, Cara n' Chris are covering one of the most iconic horror movies of all time, The Exorcist (1973)! Well...kind of. We also have a pretty big case of the silly-willies, briefly turn into a true crime podcast, and talk about emo A LOT. The power of Chris & Cara compels you...to check it out!

Grab your compasses creepies, we're headed into the woods for a double feature! This week, Cara n' Chris are covering both OG found footage baddie The Blair Witch Project (1999) and it's sweet little brother Blair Witch (2016). Plus, we defend a misunderstood franchise with all of our hearts and try to figure out the geography of Maryland. This is as close as we'll ever get to camping, so come along with us!

Who are you wearing, creepies?! For the last episode of season 1, Chris and Cara are going full tangent for an awards show based around our own podcast. Join us while we navigate through our biggest accomplishments and our biggest follies. We revisit our best rants, add some new ones for next year, and talk about horror movies a little bit. Happy New Year creepies!

Meeerrrrry Christmas, creepies! For our first Christmas together, we idiots took on the original Black Christmas (1974). We talk about the movie a little bit but go on lots of tangents about Margot Kidder, try to determine which is the best Scorcese movie, and discuss some of our most accomplished pranks. The call is coming from inside the house...and it's us, saying that we love you! Pick up!

Get ready to get assimilated, creepies! This week, Cara n' Chris are navigating the icy plains of John Carpenter's The Thing (1982). We also throw down about ambiguous endings, make a plea with Hollywood for more practical effects, joke about Justin Bieber, and wonder what kind of freakin' person would have ever hated this movie. So tell us, are you...assimilated? Or have you ever been assimilated? Well, we have!

Welcome to our world, creepies! This week, Chris n' Cara are joined by friend of the pod Tim Costa to discuss the most historic election of our lifetime: Freddy vs. Jason (2003)! We dive deep into the movie and stay somewhat on topic but...c'mon, there are tangents. There are always tangents. Much like Will and Lori, what we have is special, so pick a side and come on in!

People get cut sometimes, creepies! Because we love you so much, Cara n' Chris are covering I Know Who Killed Me (2007) to celebrate the oncoming Lohanaissance! Cara's upset about a tattoo and Chris reveals the rules for smoking indoors. She may know who killed her, but we're ready to kill you...with education and laughter.

Don't drink the wine, creepies! Chris n' Cara are covering the ultimate ode to social anxiety, The Invitation! They're also covering just about everything else; for the holidays, we added some extra tangents for you! We invite you to a dinner party...and you don't even have to leave your house. Come on in!

Don't get out of our house, creepies! This week Chris n' Cara are covering Mother! (2017), Darren Aronofsky's biblical allegory with a horror lean. We're also talking about Taylor Swift, Hairspray, and how scary it is to learn that you can crack a rib hyperventilating. We hope you like feminist rants, 'cause that's kind of our thing. 

It's your biiiiiiiirthday, creepies! This week, Cara n' Chris are kicking the mood up a notch with Willy's Wonderland! Cara can't shut up about Nicolas Cage, Chris is talking about the effects in The Thing again, and we discuss how Burger King ruined our night. Also, we add in a review from a 6-year-old fan and we gossip about the Creek...Dawson's, that is. Grab a can of PUNCH cola, fire up the pinball machine, and let's take on these animatronics!

We're making a whole podcast and no one is going to eat any but you, creepies! This week, Cara n' Chris are getting dark and dismal with Yorgos Lanthimos's The Killing of a Sacred Deer. Other discussions include penis doubles, Alicia Silverstone's parenting, and the best methods for finding naked photos of Colin Farrell on the internet. This movie is heavy, but it doesn't stop us from being idiots!

Happy Halloween, creepies! This week, Chris n' Cara are serving up a big ol' Halloween special by finally covering that movie we've talked about constantly without ever covering: Ari Aster's brilliant feature debut, Hereditary! We also discuss fish sex, name everyone Peter, and shower Toni Collette in stolen band aids and gauze. Don't you ever talk to us that way! We are your mother!

Don't fall asleep, creepies! This week, Cara n' Chris record in the same room again and wear their knife gloves to talk about THEE classic, A Nightmare on Elm Street! This week we are truly unhinged, rambling about Quentin Tarantino, proper jail attire, and crop tops. Definitely a nightmare dressed like a daydream, just like Taylor said. 1, 2, we made this podcast for you, 3, 4, we're gonna make more...

Always check your candy, creepies! This week, Chris n' Cara attempt their first live stream to discuss Halloween anthology classic Trick 'r Treat (2007). There's animals! We give a popular band a new bargain basement discount name! We discuss the difference between toddlers and tweens! Sam lovers only. 

We're going to get you, creepies! This week, Cara n' Chris dive into one of our all-time favorites, The Evil Dead, for the film's 40th anniversary!  You also get a bonus education on the history of Cannibal Holocaust and the differences from its bastard child, Cannibal Ferox. All this and more! For God's sake, what happened to our podcast?!

Seven daaaays, creepies! This week, Chris n' Cara fall down the well with The Ring (2002)! They also discuss just about every other American remake of Japanese horror, Chris gives a voice to the horses, and Cara is nonplussed. Before you die you may see the ring, so while you're alive, why not hear the jokes?

Heeeere's Johnny, creepies! This week, Chris n' Cara explore the hallowed halls of the Overlook Hotel when we talk about The Shining (1980)! In this house, we stan Shelley Duvall (despite the indoor smoking and questionable fashion), cover other languages, and talk about being where the murders are. We're not gonna hurt ya! We're just gonna bash your ears in with our jokes, that's all!

These days you've gotta have a sequel, creepies! Continuing in our Back to School series, Chris n' Cara pick up some pencils and head to Windsor College for Scream 2 (1996)! We get reaaaaally in-depth in our analysis and spare no detail, including Gale Weathers's glorious hair. We also graze through a little Degrassi talk, and discuss how appropriate it is to "Top Gun" your paramour. We may think we love you guys, but we won't make a public spectacle of it...y'know, unless you want us to.

Do you know anything about...witches, creepies? Continuing on our Back to School series, Cara n' Chris are covering Dario Argento's masterpiece, Suspiria! Hey, ballet academies are schools, okay? We also cover reality television, Chris performs some of his greatest hits, and we even introduce a new segment! You're about to meet a podcast...the living podcast!! (Sorry...)

We are the weirdos, creepies! This week, Chris n' Cara are kicking off our Back to School series with everyone's favorite t'witches in The Craft (1996)! We also cover important topics such as old cell phone models and Tila Tequila.  We also start a new segment where we provide a gossip blind item straight from the source. We bind thee, listeners, from doing harm!

Last breath of summer, creepies! To close out our summer series, Cara n' Chris are covering cult favorite horror comedy The Cabin in the Woods (2011). Smile for the one, two, or three-way mirror and smoke your untainted flowers, then cozy up as Chris regales you with tales of vacation horror and Cara manifests spooky season. David Spade may be a werewolf scholar, but we're pretty damn knowledgeable, too!

Get in the van, creepies! Continuing on our summer series, Chris n' Cara are cutting up The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1973). We cover the movie's extremely concise plot and pepper in some talk about Ryan Murphy, all while dodging power outages from a storm raging in the background. We also discuss the titles that should have been. Don't pick up any hitchhikers or eat any gas station barbecue! Let's go!

PANCAKES, creepies! To continue the summer series, Cara n' Chris are deconstructing Cabin Fever (2002)! Chris admits one of his celebrity (?) crushes, Cara admits that she once liked nü metal, and then they talk about pop music before diving into this pandemic-tinted bloodbath. The hot takes are scorching today! Have yourself a 40. Just party.

Strengthen your morals, creepies! By popular demand, Chris n' Cara are covering Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988) and boy, oh boy...are they ever unhappy campers! This chaotic episode features two people running fevers who love you enough to still put on a show. Lots of tangents: the Olympics, other podcasts, and how gross we feel...and a little bit of the movie. Be a happy camper! 

We've always dreamed of listeners just like you, creepies! This week in the summer series, join Cara & Chris for a trip to Sleepaway Camp (1983), the classic and controversial slasher. Come to the social and chat with us about the implications of the film's infamous plot twist, but not before we cover the awful fashion and the world's most impractical cookware. If Angela were any quieter she'd be dead, but we certainly don't shut the hell up! 

Come back home, creepies! For the next episode in our summer series, we couldn't leave ya hanging! Chris n' Cara are covering It Chapter Two (2019) and man, do we ever have some feelings about it. Surprisingly, we mostly stay on topic. But we also talk about the Conjuring Cinematic Universe, and we actually sign off the podcast this time! Home at last!

Beep beep, creepies! Continuing on our summer series, Cara n' Chris are crawling into the sewers and digging up commentary on It (2017)! Cara is terrified of clowns and barely makes it through! Learn what Olympic sport caused Chris to break his elbow! A fight between a cat and a dog! It's all here, so grab your gazebo pills and your red balloons and let's have a horrifying summer! (TW: This episode contains descriptions of [fictional] sexual assault, mental abuse, and hate crimes.)

It's a (not so) cruel summer, creepies! Cara n' Chris are kicking off their summer series with a pretty obvious choice: I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). Are you ready to hop in a time machine and travel back to the late 90s? Are you ready to hear one of us geek out about a teen melodrama? Are you ready to hear the other one thirst after Ryan Phillippe? Do you know what we did last summer? Who cares, now we're making a podcast! Throw on your fishing boots and let's go sailing!

One, two, a very special episode is coming for you, creepies! To wrap up Pride Month, Chris n' Cara break down TWO movies for you: the spectacularly homoerotic A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, and the documentary about its star Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street. Join us as we talk about subtext and breathe fire on David Chaskin (and Jamie Spears for good measure). In this house, we protect Mark Patton at all costs!

Lose yourself in dance, creepies! This week, Chris n' Cara are flapping & yapping about Darren Aronofsky's [predictably depressing] psychological horror film,  Black Swan (2010). To alleviate the tension, they also dive into the proper ways to address a sequel, home security, and even let their pets weigh in. Point your toes and let's go!

Death has come to your little town, creepies! This week, Cara n' Chris are joined by their buddy Tim Costa and they're talking about John Carpenter's Halloween! Yes, it's June, but they know that you're all ready for October. They go over Dr. Loomis's bedside manner, Laurie's beige fetish...and then we go on a bunch of hilarious tangents. You're gonna want to hear this. 

Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot, creepies? This week, Chris n' Cara are raving about Jennifer's Body (2009). These two are diving deep into Jennifer Check's ancient art of boy-eating! Of course, they couldn't just leave it there, so they also discuss high school libraries, celebrity gossip, and the dress from Pretty in Pink. How could we ever be insecure if you make us your Snowflake Queens? Let's go!