Close Talkers

Derek and Katy recount stories of their eighth grade school trips because anything is more interesting than this Seinfeld episode about glasses.

Here's to feeling good all the time. Katy tries out her Mandarin and then promptly loses her voice. Derek tells an incredible bar story.

We cut so much of this episode out, you might say it was bris'd.

We're not playing egg badminton here, we're discussing party etiquette. George eats a sundae.

This time Katy's mic is off, but we still nail it. Derek mentions an outtake and never delivers, and claims he can eat a whole onion, fast.

We discover the true origin of the Super Mario Brothers, and get a robot to rank Seinfeld, while Jerry tries to cheat on his barber.

Jerry is a terrible person, Elaine loves OJ and we're still chatting about chatbots.

We talk speech recognition again, reminisce about giving away furniture, and like the George storyline of this iffy episode.

It is a hard G or a soft G? Are those the ones that go around mutilating squirrels? Do you peek in the cabinet? Derek will if it's obvious, Katy will if you're weird.

There's more than one exploding whale video you need to see, we debunk the climbing accident and discuss the tortilla continuum.

Katy wants to know why she wasn't invited to the wine enemas, Derek tells everyone in Cuba he loves them, and the gang doesn't go to a dinner party.

George is a yellow, and not a marine biologist. Katy trusts Derek, and his impressions are spot on.

Poppy is sloppy, it's Elaine's butt in the window, George's suit swooshes and we love gravy.

Where is Shelley? We discuss the superhunks (again),public transit and why you would ever take it out.

We talk cleaners with offensive statues, cleaners with crumbling architecture, olives, and peeing in the shower (it's fine).

Stand up is bread. In this double episode where a lot happens and everyone shows up, we spend (y)our time talking about keys.

Derek lectures us on theism, but concludes by suggesting we read "Nietzche's book over there" for the complete story. George runs from a fire and Katy misunderstands an accident.

There was shrinkage. You gotta see the baby. Breathtaking. One of the best episodes of all time and we talk about Idiocracy and the Full Monty.

Katy's a deli meats gal, because a lot of sins could be hidden in tuna. Derek believes the opposite of eating a tuna sandwich is throwing up a tuna sandwich.

Rhode Island are never contenders. We appreciate a classic Miss America performance.

Katy and Derek do a deep dive on pens and pencils. We learn about Katy's childhood cereal habit.

Jerry's cheque-cashing sends his Nana into the mean streets for the first time in 20 years and there are three other storylines to boot.

We alienate our American listeners, Donna Chang leads everyone on, and Derek doesn't even think Larry David deserves mention.

Poppie micturates on Jerry's couch. Tipping culture is fraught, and in the end we didn't tip the guys because they didn't come back the next day. Also it's an abortion episode.

Derek says the words "better than naked is hoiking?" in this episode, in which we also say the word sex a lot. We talk more about the shirt off than the garbage eclair.

If you order it, it's a meal. Derek doesn't know who he's making fun of anymore, and we rate the Irish superhunks.

We take a break, we have a KitKat, and some other tasty and not so tasty treats in this summer bonus episode. Lots of chewing and eating noises, beware.

It's a summer clip show!

Mr. Pitt gets to briefly live his dream, George drives Mr. Voight's car, Jerry doesn't want to be a cowboy and Elaine's next stop is Pottersville.

We could go the tomato route, but instead we crowd into the changeroom at Barney's.

Katy's not a communist but she looks best in drab green. Derek's not a communist but he wrote for the Daily Worker. George goes to Cuba.

Pickleball culture is out of control. Jerry fails successfully at the switch. Katy tries to guess where the name is real or not. TW: Eating disorders are mentioned in this episode.

Tim Whatley regifts a label maker, the second most wonderful office equipment. George eats a dark pickle. We fix Canadian football. Ukraine is not weak.

A toupee, a lie, a pair of glasses, and a scofflaw in that order. New York is real and it's full of diapers and delivery boxes.

We go live for our 100th episode and Seinfeld's 100th episode clip show! We struggle with audio, we talk over the episode, we have a nice fun time.

Elaine tries to recruit to her team. Jerry watches Melrose. We debate pointy heads.

Elaine's friend leaves her three blocks from home with all her ski gear. George yells at a delicate genius. We are still talking about pointy heads.

Frank has a lot going on on the top floor. George doesn't want kasha in bed. Derek refuses to believe Canada Post is responsible for postal codes.

Derek and Katy do not like this episode. Derek and Katy talk about killer tomatoes instead. Derek and Katy sing a song from Drag Race.

Sucking on pits and nuts, this episode is not really about a doodle. At the end we take a hard turn into energy politics!

Warning: This episode is about ass. We say it a lot. Fusili, blepharoplasty, vanity and hilarity ensue.

Repeat after me: you can't have sex in the lobby of a hotel. And what does it mean if you say you have a pen in your ear? George is a terrible person.

You gotta support the team. This devolves into a hockey gossip podcast with a sidebar into butt wiping.

Oh no! My frankfurter! My frankfurter oh no. The incomparable divine Miss M finds herself Gilooly'd, and princess wants a manicure. None of this make sense, and we gab about hockey goss.

Is nog short for "not egg" in this case? We drink on air for your holiday enjoyment. Warning: Lots of lippy smacky noises.

She scooped the niblets. Katy identifies with Elaine as a pyjama-clad, neighbour-yeller. Derek appreciates knowing where you are and what you're doing. We discuss Mad About You.

All we want are doors to the floor. George wants to postpone to the first day of Spring. Kramer spills a latte.

Derek thinks Katy uses too many mugs. Katy is pro-canning. Larry David's worst story idea sees George providing a chair.

Too much happens in the span of two days. George winks constantly. We agree head-to-toe doesn't make sense.

Elaine tries to write catalogue copy and defends her alarm clock and microwave skills. Katy asks Derek to banter.

We get censored this episode, and it's not for saying Soup Nazi too much. George is disgusted with Jerry. Kramer is roughed up by toughs.

Take Part in the fun! Elaine is obsessed with a man who doesn't remember her, and George reveals his secret to Jacopo's mama.

Hello and welcome to this episode. Why don't you just tell me what you thought of it? We discuss driving positions, buffers and ballzookas.

Derek believes a sponge will always get used. Katy had to do a hard target search for eye wipes. Kramer's walk is not worth talking about.

Where's Susan? George is worrying an old friend with his behaviour, and everyone else is worried about Lloyd Braun. Elaine's shirt could be wetter.

We're in a Taylor Ham scenario. Katy maintains overhand would get the rye up to the third floor. Derek tries not bring up butt chugging but it happens anyway. We all blame Rusty.

This can only mean one thing - George is dead. Elaine's prank backfires and we describe how to steal a Ford Ranger.

Elaine covets a bike, George claims a name, Kramer asked for Dijon and Jerry can't solve a mystery. That happens!

Marisa Tomei loves short, stocky, funny bald men. Elaine loses her mind. Jerry is a very good boy. Derek thinks he is not related to his cousins.

Katy wants a steady flow, medium pressure. Derek doesn't know what the other side of cabbage is. And can your pee tell you about your bones?

This episode goes off the rails and never comes back. Nothing we say can be used against us in a court of law.

The Friars Club serves turd burger. Derek has strong feelings about conductors again. Katy's mic was off and no one noticed.

Thick does not mean chunk. We keep it short and silly for this terrible episode.

Warning: This episode is pretty gassy. Jerry Seinfeld thinks toxic masculinity is knowing how to order a drink. Derek doesn't believe blond hair and brown eyes is a thing.

Katy's mic malfunctions and we hardly miss her. Derek reminds us of his deranged past as a bottle depositor.

It's better than Ghandi. Somehow we get into conservative mouthpieces and "reversaries". Susan chooses the chicken.

Susan expires. George rejoices. Jerry dates himself. Kramer says hello. Elaine is also there.

Derek and Katy square off in the battle of the century to find out...whose cereal choices are better. DM us your vote for Katy's or Derek's lists @closetalkerspodcast on Instagram!

We perform a table read of the abandoned Seinfeld episode "The Gun/The Bet", written by Larry Charles and deemed not funny enough and too dark to continue production. How many items can we make our child fetch so she's won't hear us say "sex"?

We try to remember how to podcast and more importantly, whether Katy has seen any of the Star Trek movies (she hasn't).

There was a low rumble, a metallic squink, and a baffling galonk. Katy reconsiders the Bic Round Stic. Derek's nails don't grow like everyone else's.

Derek's biggest fear is accidentally ordering lobster at a restaurant. Katy wants to know the distance in time. Elaine isn't in the mirror world.

We're a napkin-positive household. George is bad and Katy likes it.

The gang's all here, doing things and going places. We talk about mukbangs.

Frank sent 16 of his own men to the latrines that night. Katy and Derek debate how many pots one needs. You never need to see the vomit.

Laughs do not equal a good episode. Our song might not be what you'd expect.

Rat hat. How many Rs in Strawberry? Kramer disgusts us all, including himself.

Derek says don't eat snow, eat people. Katy thinks cooking makes it less bad. It's an A+ George episode but we barely talk about it.

Does surviving a shipwreck give you perks for life? Does taking dog medicine make you a dog? Is Elaine still dumb?

This used to be a Seinfeld podcast. We discuss incels, optical illusions and Instagram.

Tuna and tomato on a cinnamon raisin bagel with a chocolate raspberry coffee, please! The Cadillac changes hands and we stare at a map.

A pretty good episode about shrimp and comas. We release on Fridays now.

Shallow Hal, Envy, Del Taco and also a good Jerry episode. The Van Buren Boys never hassle their own kind.

You either are a Kathy or you're not. Kathy and Cameron discuss names, trunks, daylight savings and a backless tuxedo.

Katy feels like she's being hustled at the dentist. Derek doesn't want to disappoint tooth mommy. Jerry's girlfriend does the perfect revenge.

You can't have sex in a bucket. Katy wants bro instagram chefs to pour sauce on themselves. Derek's English Patient is the Sixth Sense.

We pitch ergonomic furniture store names. Katy likes a Kramer joke and Derek doesn't like his swimming style. George is a cozy boy.

We talk about this great episode, argue about land lines, yada yada yada, that's what she said.

The World Series trophy is trash. Calendars are made up, we say celebrate things whenever you want.

The worst episode of Seinfeld ever, or pretty good? Is it chest hair or pubes? What do you do with the stumps?

Maybe they are salamis up there. Maybe what this woman needs is brother husbands. Katy is not going to wear a "Team Pubes" shirt.

Damn you Seinfeld, you useless pustule. Katy wants Puddy to tell her to go to hell.

Katy asks the tough questions: what about the unibrow? Derek says no to everything. La la la.

Derek doesn't care about the glass vase with sticks. What's wrong with Jerry's leg?

Once around the block, three times a week, and I eat a plum every morning. We hate this episode.

Don't even bother watching this Seinfeld episode, we cover the few good parts and talk about Certs.

What is Popeyes favourite food? Did the cat open the door? Is this one of the top Seinfeld episodes?

Katy likes a solid pop. Derek wants a slicer setting between 0 and 1. Elaine could have gotten out in several ways.

We really like this backwards episode. Is it the good Crash or the bad Crash? Derek goes blue talking about the Sixth Sense.

Derek can't fathom a shower without washing his hair. Katy darn near pukes from tub soup. George doesn't get an apology.