Free Legal Advice

In today's episode, we take one of our classic ideas from the primordial days of the podcast and bring it up to date all the way to the 1990s. And for some reason, when our task was to update an 80s cartoon for the 90s, we decided the best way to do that is to make it like a generic sitcom. I don't understand it either, but we're the experts, so you may not complain.

I'm sure you're all sick of everyone talking about time travel. I mean, it's so hot right now. But unlike everyone else, in this episode we're going to be traveling back in time with a singular purpose in mind. I won't give it away, though. Instead, I'll let you guess WHICH infant German leader we'll be assassinating. I'll give you one hint: It's not Helmut Kohl.

Babies are strange, fleshy animals that women excrete every month at the full moon. We know this, and yet most of us know very little about them. Are they friend or foe? Do their mournful cries awaken ancient spirits from beyond the stars, or are they simply a form of ritual intimidation? What of poop? Well, my friends, the answers to these, and many more questions, cannot be found in this episode, because that would just be silly.

GOOD NEWS! Whatever your job is, we're about to improve it. Unless you're a coal miner or factory worker, in which case you will notice no improvements at all. Which would be surprising, honestly. How hard would it be to improve? I mean, there's kind of nowhere to go but up, right?

In this week's episode, we play a rousing game of Produce, Marry, Kill. Attentive listeners will note that this is actually the THIRD time we've created a game like this (either intentionally or accidentally). The first two were Fart, Butt, Poop and Holmes, Nemo, Khan. Yes, those are both real. You can check out episodes 38 and 76 if you don't believe me.

If you believe in yourself, you can do anything. This is an idea taught to all children at a young age, and also the dictionary definition of hubris. What does that say about us? I don't know about you, but I know exactly what it says because I am not ignorant of anything. Also, I lied, I DO know about you, and, spoiler alert, it's not great.

This is like Behind the Music, but it's called Tales from the Tour Bus. Behind this particular music, much drug-doing happened. Well, I guess that's true of all music. Behind all of it, much drug-doing happened.

It's time once again to debate the sports topics of the day. Matt doesn't seem to like doing this kind of thing multiple times, since we generally stick to one episode per topic, but what he doesn't realize is that they have to do whatever I want when it's my turn to pick one. So there.

Sorry for the French (and fake French) in the title, but this week's episode is about cinema. Not just a movie, not even just a film, but cinema. The only language fancy enough to handle this is French, so you're just going to have to deal with it. The cinema we're dissecting this time is called, simply, Rad. My review: "It is."

No, Ben, I didn't name it something like "Five Easy Steps to Fix Your Hovercraft", or "Uh-Oh, It's Time for Blood Sacrifice!". I gave it a perfectly apt title, AS I ALWAYS DO. You can tell what this episode's about just by reading it, right? I can, so I assume everyone can. I'm not even going to describe it in this space AS I USUALLY DO, because the title is so clear and helpful that to do so would be a waste of time. Another victory for Grant.

The Japanese like things to be small and efficient. So why on earth do they love giant robots so much? I can't think of a less efficient method of transportation or defense, in terms of materials, fuel, engineering, manpower, etc. I suppose it IS the most efficient method of delivering drool-inducing coolness, though. That's probably how they look at it.

We talk all things baseball in this episode, including how many peach baskets are used, where the peach baskets go on the diamond, and whether it's legal to chew a peach basket and spit it at your opponent when he's not looking.

Pseudoscience is just like science, but way more fun and without all the rules and stuff. It turns out that those rules have been preventing us from curing cancer and fucking up clouds.

There are 35 chambers at Shaolin Temple. This is a well-established fact. So what could the 36th chamber be? What a mystery! Well, if you watch the movie, it's really not a mystery, or even about that chamber, or any of the chambers, or any of the events of the plot. It's really about watching dubbed-over kung fu men doing bizarre kung fu stuff until the movie stops. Let's see Citizen Kane do that!

Do you believe that movies about the old west are all true? Well, if you're a kid reading dime-store novels back in the period where dime stores existed, then yes. Yes, you do. If you're anyone else at all, probably not. But regardless, we're here to dispense the REAL truth, anyway. That's right: We occasionally dispense ideas other than legal advice. It's rare, but it happens.

Six years ago, we looked at a sampling of the startups that were at the Y-Combinator event, which is, for those of you who aren't douchebag tech-bros, some big event where rich idiots dump their money into a bunch of startups that will likely fail. We made fun of each and every one of these ideas, while knowing nothing about them. Today, we're checking in to see how these companies are doing. Our assumption is that they're all thriving businesses that are a boon to their respective communities. Give it a listen and see how right we are.

This week we talk about a relatively forgotten silent film star. In the history of podcasts, right now we're in the "talkie" era. Podcasts are nothing but talking. Once someone invents the "lookie" podcast, we'll be put right out of business.

In this episode, we create a movie that's a parody of the Fast & Furious franchise. None of us know anything at all about this franchise. Now, you might be wondering: How can you successfully parody something if you don't know anything about it? Yeah, so anyway, in this episode, we create a movie that's a parody of the Fast & Furious franchise.

Right at the start of this episode, Ben tries to bully me into giving away its secrets in the title. He wants me to tell you what it's about! The nerve of that guy. Well, I've showed him: I've obfuscated the real answer within a Kids in the Hall reference! Oh wait, he knows Kids in the Hall references... ah, what the hell, the episode is about rich people owning hermits. There you go. Hermitage. Happy?

André Giant, André THE Giant, A. the G., Godlike Fartmachine, whatever you know him as, he's a legend, and today we learn all the pertinent and IMpertinent facts about this enormous Frenchman.

The year: 1905. "Annus mirabilis", the "miracle year". Albert Einstein arrives at the Prussian Academy of Sciences, where the most iconoclastic and forward-thinking minds the world had ever seen have gathered to hear discussed ideas that would change the world to a greater extent than even they could possibly imagine. A hush falls over the crowd as he takes his short, hunched, slightly off-balance strides across the stage, belying his unshakable confidence. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you 'Special Relativity'", he says, as he sets up his tri-fold display board.

Foosball was just a trick pulled on us by its inventor. It's actually an anagram for "ONLY FOOLS DO BATTLE". It was staring us in the face this whole time, but we were too blind to see it. To know what exactly this trick was all about, listen to today's episode.

The late 19th and early 20th centuries were a time when college football worked very differently. A time when the teams might not even be lining up to play a game of football, as it turns out. It might be a different sport entirely. It was a time when football might not have been football.

The Cannonball Run is not just a movie. Well, I guess maybe you didn't even know that it was a movie. So FYI, The Cannonball Run is a movie. Okay, now, The Cannonball Run is not just a movie. It was an actual thing that actual people actually did, complete with actual crimes. Also, people can now drive as fast as they want. QED.

This episode presupposes the existence of a universe in which a student, somewhere, may not have read a book in its entirety before handing in a report on it. I know that's impossible and just plain silly, but just try to suspend your disbelief, if only for today.

Whom among us could say they've never thought that some little rat kid was excruciatingly annoying? Well, the people who manufactured toys decades ago not only seemed to feel that way about every single kid alive, but they actively took matters into their own hands. They say it's good to be proactive, right?

This week, we're finally going to address the elephant in the room: Anime. Specifically, the classic 90s series titled, "Help! My Room Became an Elephant and Now Must Do Battle!!!!" I know it doesn't sound like it, but it's mostly about the elephant's wildly disproportional breasts.

Good news and bad news: The good news is that we have discovered all the secret techniques that the saboteurs are using to grind our operations to a halt. The bad news is that it's everything your boss does, every single day, and there's no possible way to stop them. This information actually seems useless to you, now that I think about it. Well, forget I said anything.

If you're reading this, you fucked up. No reasonable series of life choices could have possibly led you to listen to this podcast, let alone to be reading one of the episode descriptions. Lucky for you, though, this episode offers you a second chance at life. With the power of hindsight, you'll be able to get in on the ground floor of that pyramid scheme. Your only problem was that you didn't buy in early enough, right?

Chronovoyaging, also known in some circles as "time travel" is not all it's cracked up to be. It's mostly because of the smell. There are other reasons, but honestly, the smell is enough.

With the Nazis occupying your hometown, you probably feel powerless in the face of their brutal repression. However, you might be surprised to learn just how much can be accomplished with what you have lying around the house. Seriously, you're going to be extremely surprised.

We're doing something brand new this week: One by one, we're going to go through all of the biggest sports topics of the day, and we're going to argue about them. This is a completely unprecedented format, so it will not in any way resemble anything you've ever seen before. It doesn't seem like a very good idea, though, so I doubt it'll catch on elsewhere.

I say let 'em. They've broken enough bones and sustained enough concussions to have more life experience than the rest of us put together. Who better to write a movie than stuntmen? And as long as they're writing it, they might as well direct it. It's basically just yelling "Action!" into a megaphone, right? How hard could it be?

We've done lots of episodes where, either directly or indirectly, we make fun of stupid corporate bullshit. Never before, however, have we focused on what is probably the worst thing that corporate bullshit creates: Stupid, insufferable names for things. Well, we're testing the limits of the word "insufferable" this week, because this episode is all about those kinds of names. Plug your ears if you know what's good for you.

I wanted to call this episode "Climbing the Mortal Kombat Ladder of Grandmas", but even I thought that was too obscure for an episode title. ME. The guy who brought you such episode titles as "It's All in the Hat", "There's No Saws Like Chainsaws", and "It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's The Prime Minister of Italy!" I have no idea what any of those episodes are about. But this was too much even for me, folks. Anyway, this episode is about home remedies.

Sure, titles are great. We all love titles, no one's arguing that point. But as wonderful as they obviously all are, I think it's pretty clear that subtitles are actually where it's at. Now, before you have me pulled apart by wild horses, let me explain myself. Titles give you the big picture, but SUBtitles cut right to the fucking bone. "The Fast and the Furious" lets you know about the speed and anger of the characters, yes, but if your brain and/or balls didn't light up when they saw the words "Tokyo Drift", then you need to go to one of those brain/ball doctors posthaste. Post. Haste.

It's time once again for the greatest FLAPers and aspiring FLAPees to gather at their yearly... gathering, The FLAPfest Tech and Burrito Summit. This isn't your father's convention, no sir. This convention, unlike all others, features INNOVATION. That's right, the business trump card itself. As long as we are innovating no one can touch us, which means they can't legally throw us out of this cemetery.

This week we explain Reddit. It mostly involves porn and scams. But, to be fair, that's pretty much the entire internet, anyway.

Most late night talk shows have a new episode every single day. We've gone in a different direction. But we've got a great show for you tonight, folks! That's all that really matters.

Little Captain Travis, I've got some advice for you: Inject it into your veins. Inject what, you ask? Anything. Literally, anything, no matter what. Even if you don't know the possible side-effects. Even if you DO know the possible side effects. Just do it, because there's at least a tiny chance that if you do, you'll get fucking jacked.

Today on the Free Legal Advice Podcast, we're taking a trip through the wonderful world of grammar! We'll be diagramming sentences, discussing proper usage, and taking a look at some HILARIOUS grammar fails! Actually, we'll be doing none of that. Instead, it's Drillbit Liberty IS: The Adjective Noun Verb-er! Only in theaters. And also this podcast feed.

It's summer time, and you know what that means: An examination of Summer Stuff from the FLAP Boys! Well, actually it's only ever meant that once, and it's right now. We did do an episode about summer during the winter once, but that, too, was a one-time occurrence. You can always count on the FLAP Boys to not be predictable.

Riding a bike is not impressive. Anyone can do it. Oh, but you rode it faster than anyone else? Who cares? Children ride bikes every single day and no one gives them awards, and most of them do it without blood doping. These Tour de France losers are a bunch of wimps, and they dedicated their entire lives to something dumb. Anyway, we spend the entire episode talking about that dumb thing this week.

IMPORTANT NOTE: We do make one prediction that seems a little, let's say, "out of sync" with the actual march of current events. This episode was recorded on July 20th, so something may have happened since then that might make something we mention sound weird. Anyway, we predict the shit out of things in this week's thrilling episode!

*movie trailer voiceover narration* In a noun, where men not only verb, they verb with adjective, nouns are un-verb-able. Only one noun can verb them back to their adjective noun, prepositional phrase. That noun IS: The Noun Verb-er. INTERJECTION! Only in theaters.

This week we examine the utility of all those old sayings that old people were always saying. They were always saying those sayings, but in this episode we're saying some new sayings, and we think people should start saying those sayings that we were saying, instead of the other sayings.

They can't all be winners, Little Captain Travis. At least, not with my level of talent. But either way, this week we break from our standard weekly offering of pointless silliness to deliver you nearly 40 minutes of even MORE pointless silliness. We've ratcheted up the pointlessness! If this isn't your cup of tea, though, never fear: Next week we'll be back to our usual level of pointless silliness.

Sometimes the episode titles write themselves, folks. In this episode, Matt will attempt to do for the Tour de France what I did for the Olympics. Which one of us did it better? Vote now! I don't have a link, or anything. Just go somewhere and vote on it somehow.

Through means which will be described herein, we have acquired the rights to several sizzling slabs of intellectual property. See just what we do with such slabs by listening to this 'sode! Is "'sode" a thing? Is that an acceptable abbreviation for "episode"? I feel like it shouldn't be.

We have successfully crammed the entirety of human history down into one single podcast episode. It wasn't that hard, actually. It turns out not much has really ever happened. However, should Matt do another one of these episodes, whatever we cover in that episode will be newly uncovered secrets of history. So (possibly) look forward to those secrets being uncovered at some point in the future!

We're coming up on a year's worth of episodes, if they came out daily, which they don't, so this sentence is completely pointless, actually. But regardless, after a year's worth of things, most organizations give out awards to themselves, so we figured now is as good of a time as any for us to follow suit. Welcome to the whatever-number-Cory-said-in-the-episode-th annual Flappy Awards!