Podcasts about we do saying yes

Building a strong and secure connection within a romantic relationship is a goal shared by many. We strive for harmony, understanding, and a deep bond that withstands the test of time. But with human nature being what it is - aggressive, warlike, moody, and easily influenced - it can be a challenging task. So, how do we achieve this level of connection? Is it about finding the perfect partner or following a set of rules? In this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin and Dr. Jessica Higgins embark on an enlightening exploration of human behavior within relationships shedding light on key elements that foster a strong and secure connection. Join us as we delve into the strategies and insights that can help you and your partner work together to create a solid foundation of love, trust, and mutual support. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other's Care. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:01 In Each Other's Care: Practical Guidance on Applying the Principles of Secure Functioning 10:56 Normalizing stressful situations and creating purpose-centered relationships. 15:36 Preserving relationships through proactive engagement. 26:05 Creating purposeful relationships: moving beyond psycho-biology to action. 30:37 Embracing a collaborative stance: Exploring partner's needs and approaching conversations with mutual interest. Mentioned Type Of Relationship Support (survey) In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Learn How to Interact When Conflicts Arise (excerpt) We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Relationship Rx (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) ERP 291: How “Love Is Not Enough” – An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Websites: thepactinstitute.com Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin Twitter: twitter.com/DrStanTatkin LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/stan-tatkin Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.      

“The art of loving is hard to learn… and even harder to master.”— Dr. Elliot MalametWhen you are part of a religious community, the acts of loving and being loved can be surprisingly complex, requiring a delicate balancing act between personal freedom and external expectations, and between sexual pleasure and religious duty.  Singlehood is seen in the community as a problem to be solved — particularly for Jewish women.   From accessing the ritual of the mikvah to negotiating healthy sexuality to coping with the pain of breaking up, single Jewish women regularly navigate complicated terrain, and often without rules or rituals that are compatible with dating in modernity.  This episode is an instalment of Across the Sea, a podcast about mental health and Judaism. In this episode, Dr. Elliot Malamet invites guests Rabbi Rachel Rosenbluth and Micki Lavin-Pell to discuss dating and building healthy relationships while Jewish.  “Singleness is definitely supposed to be a temporary stage — as temporary as possible.”— Bluth  This‌ ‌episode discusses:‌ ‌✔  The possibility of “holy intimacy,” a sacred sexuality that may be experienced before marriage✔  The lessons that we can learn from break-ups & how to benefit from them going forward✔  Whether we need to develop a new Jewish sexual ethos — and what it may include   ‌Highlights:‌ ‌ 00:50  Introduction01:51  Rabbi Bluth, stereotypes & expectations04:50  Jewish law out of step with modern dating?07:52  New Jewish sexual ethos09:50  The mikvah & singlehood12:11  Intimate couples & purity laws15:36  Lessons gained from break-ups19:55  Healthy v. unhealthy relationships22:25  Is it harder to get & stay married now?25:42  Micki Lavin-Pell & internal barriers28:34  Singlehood & cultural messaging30:23  Single male stereotypes32:06  Singlehood & fear34:32  Gender discrepancies 36:19  Too fast v. too slow37:50  Healthy sexuality40:00  Setting boundaries43:05  Damaging beliefs & best advice  Links:‌ ‌The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm  https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/the-art-of-loving/9780061129735-item.html   We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection and Enduring Love by Stan Tatkin  https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/we-do-saying-yes-to/9781622038930-item.html   To get in contact or learn more about Living Jewishly:  Visit‌ ‌our ‌website: https://livingjewishly.org  Follow us on Instagram: @living.jewishly  Watch us on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO2YEegjapKpQeXG6zh6tzw  or send us an email at hello@livingjewishly.org.    Shalom!

“The art of loving is hard to learn… and even harder to master.”— Dr. Elliot MalametWhen you are part of a religious community, the acts of loving and being loved can be surprisingly complex, requiring a delicate balancing act between personal freedom and external expectations, and between sexual pleasure and religious duty.  Singlehood is seen in the community as a problem to be solved — particularly for Jewish women.   From accessing the ritual of the mikvah to negotiating healthy sexuality to coping with the pain of breaking up, single Jewish women regularly navigate complicated terrain, and often without rules or rituals that are compatible with dating in modernity.  This episode is an instalment of Across the Sea, a podcast about mental health and Judaism. In this episode, Dr. Elliot Malamet invites guests Rabbi Rachel Rosenbluth and Micki Lavin-Pell to discuss dating and building healthy relationships while Jewish.  “Singleness is definitely supposed to be a temporary stage — as temporary as possible.”— Bluth  This‌ ‌episode discusses:‌ ‌✔  The possibility of “holy intimacy,” a sacred sexuality that may be experienced before marriage✔  The lessons that we can learn from break-ups & how to benefit from them going forward✔  Whether we need to develop a new Jewish sexual ethos — and what it may include   ‌Highlights:‌ ‌ 00:50  Introduction01:51  Rabbi Bluth, stereotypes & expectations04:50  Jewish law out of step with modern dating?07:52  New Jewish sexual ethos09:50  The mikvah & singlehood12:11  Intimate couples & purity laws15:36  Lessons gained from break-ups19:55  Healthy v. unhealthy relationships22:25  Is it harder to get & stay married now?25:42  Micki Lavin-Pell & internal barriers28:34  Singlehood & cultural messaging30:23  Single male stereotypes32:06  Singlehood & fear34:32  Gender discrepancies 36:19  Too fast v. too slow37:50  Healthy sexuality40:00  Setting boundaries43:05  Damaging beliefs & best advice  Links:‌ ‌The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm  https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/the-art-of-loving/9780061129735-item.html   We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection and Enduring Love by Stan Tatkin  https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/we-do-saying-yes-to/9781622038930-item.html   To get in contact or learn more about Living Jewishly:  Visit‌ ‌our ‌website: https://livingjewishly.org  Follow us on Instagram: @living.jewishly  Watch us on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO2YEegjapKpQeXG6zh6tzw  or send us an email at hello@livingjewishly.org.    Shalom!

Marriage vows are being tested worldwide as we are in the midst of a global pandemic that has forced billions of people to stay home. In addition, in the US, we are at 30 million people, unemployed and millions of children trying to school from home by parents emotionally unequipped to take on a burden while they themselves are trying to make sense of their own worlds, fears and concerns. Right now – many people are seeing perhaps where their greatest strengths are in their partners as well as their weaknesses. People are probably questioning their choices and wondering what to do next once the world re-opens. The traditional marriage vows we are all familiar with date back to the Book of Common Prayer, originally printed in 1549 which say "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us depart." But how would we know if this person your are dating or married to is really the one, for example, you can be locked up in a house with for two to three months during a pandemic? That’s why Ameé has back on today Dr. Stan Tatkin – couples expert and author of many books including Wired For Love and Wired for Dating to talk about his book We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. In this episode, you will hear: How our unseen fears may be impacting our relationshipHow attachment affects our style of relating to one anotherHow to “Sherlock” any potential candidatesWhy a “mission statement” is important for a couple or a person Resources:Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a SecureWired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal MateWe Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love Dr. Stan Tatkin’s Website

On this week’s episode, Ameé talks with renowned couples expert and author, Dr. Stan Tatkin. Stan Tatkin, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 20 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. And he is the author of many books on the topic of relationships including Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, published by New Harbinger. In this episode, you will hear:Why is a romantic partner even necessary? What are the benefits of being tethered to another person? What is Attachment Theory and how does our attachment style affect us as adults? What is attraction and why do we go for certain types of people, even if they are “wrong” for us?How do you become an expert in your partner? Ultimately, how do we know this other person is worth the effort? What are our cues? Books by Dr. Tatkin include:We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love, published by Sounds TrueRelationship Rx: Insights and Practices to Overcome Chronic Fighting and Return to Love, published by Sounds TrueWired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, published by New Harbinger.Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, published by New Harbinger.Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, published by Sounds True.Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy, with coauthor Marion Solomon, available through W. W. Norton’s Interpersonal Neurobiology Series. Website: https://thepactinstitute.com/Facebook the PACT Institute: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstituteFacebook for Dr. Stan Tatkin: https://www.facebook.com/drstantatkin/

If you've ever wondered "why are relationships difficult?" you'll want to catch this episode with Dr. Stan Tatkin. We start with an exploration of how our species’ survival relies on an inborn negativity bias and how this same mechanism makes relationships difficult and more challenging to sustain under stress. Everyone’s experienced some form of relational loss and developmental trauma. And so, with this in mind, we’re also discussing how early development shapes each of us and our ability to self-regulate and foster safe, secure, adult romantic relationships. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy. He is also the author of several books on aspects of love and relationships, with his most recent one being We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. Through his clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, workshops, couples’ retreats, and the PACT Institute, Stan and his wife, Tracey, train psychotherapists to use the PACT method in their clinical practices.   In this episode, Stan and I discuss: What the Psychobiological Approach is. The inability of people to act and react quickly and properly before they launch into a “fight or flight” response---or a collapse For the purpose of helping us understand, Dr. Tatkin simplifies how our neurobiology works down to the two areas of the brain: the ambassadors and the primitives For optimum arousal, we need all systems online at the same time, which takes alertness and relaxation Why we aren’t all set up for adult love relationships How we learn to self-regulate to prepare for adult relationships Why so many people don’t know how to get to a safe, secure place Stan’s “foxhole” illustration: are couples at war with each other in the foxhole or protecting one another How a dangerous environment makes people put aside their differences and work together How people manage relationships by learning to work together How a couple has to live by agreements that are good for both, like, “We protect each other in public and private” How memory perception and communication can get us into trouble The difference between co-dependency and interdependency How our trauma approach can lead to PTSD----and hugs, massage, and acupuncture can help much more than talking How people can ease into eye contact with each other The importance of play, which comes from feeling safe and secure Why people might have trouble with play “The window of tolerance” and what it means for couples Things that can compromise and narrow the window of tolerance How we miss much of the language used when we communicate in ways that don’t include eye contact, like phone calls, texting, and email Why experiencing trauma in life means a lot of re-regulating will need to take place Why most everything we suffer from is interpersonal Resources: www.thepactinstitute.com  Find out more about Stan’s practice, resources, books, retreats, and workshops We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love   Thank you to our sponsor, TherapyNotes. Get two free months of TherapyNotes and a free data import after signing up for a free trial by going to www.therapynotes.com and using promo code: connectfulness   Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat experiences in NY at connectfulness.com Join our Connectfulness® Community connectfulness.com/community Follow us @connectfulness on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Root in with Rebecca’s Connectfulness® Collective for therapists in private practice at: connectfulness.com/collective

Stan Tatkin is the founder of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®(PACT). He has worked with couples for more than fifteen years in his clinical practice. He teaches, he counsels, he writes, he does it all!Stan has authored a few very important books throughout his career, some of them including: Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Wired for Dating, and his latest and the driving point behind this interview, We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. All in all, I am delighted to have Stan on the show. You are really going to get a lot out of this talk!The Difficulties of Cultivating a Cooperative and Collaborative RelationshipStan lays the groundwork for a secure-functioning relationship between couples. He says both participants in the relationship share power and mutually govern over each other to balance out the dynamic. Because we are perfectly imperfect as human beings, the dynamic is often skewed to one side. Collaboration is hard and positivity is just as difficult to maintain.To you who listen along, Stan will also take you down a fascinating neurological path when he explains our survival mechanisms and how the brain takes shortcuts. These facets of our development make it very hard to maintain secure relationships. Our states of mind, the many different perceptions we experience--of which Stan likens to a funhouse mirror--and our imperfect memories, are of many hurdles to overcome. For much more on this uphill climb, tune in.Threats and Shared GovernanceStan reminds us that the small ‘threats’, the eyerolls, the tone laced with animosity, the cold shoulder, passive aggression, all of it, can compound and show up in a very real biological sense. After time, you will view your spouse as a predator. Not in any malicious sense, but because of self-protective tendencies we have learned over our development, our perceptions can certainly be skewed unknowingly.Our capacity or tendency to be threatened in ingrained within us naturally. It can also be a result of upbringing as well. Some of it is triggered merely by standing eye-to-eye with one another; In addition, the principle of ‘shared governance’ can cause threats. Stan describes shared governance as shared principles that both parties believe in that will protect one from each other. He also tells us that this is how society works: we share a similar mythology, an analogous narrative is followed that reflects shared sentiments of governance.Really check out this episode to hear Stan explain it in much more detail.Putting the Relationship First?Stan stands by this practice. He says a lot of breakdown in relationships hinges on differences in focus. If both of you agree to put the kids first over the relationship, Stan believes everyone suffers. He doesn’t condone neglecting the child, but just like well-worn maxim of taking care of yourself before others, so too everyone benefits if there's a strong foundation to work with.The Couple BubbleThis interesting concept is described as two people protecting their relationship ‘ecosystem’. This system is built on accountability, that is, the push-and-pull of a symbiotic partnership where one action affects the other tangibly.Stan tells you to think of it this way: the couple bubble can either guarantee mutually assured destruction or mutually assured survival! Keeping the bubble in focus is extremely important.Much more is said. Do yourself a favor and listen along!What About Mutually Exclusive Needs?During the episode, the very crucial question of differing needs arise. What if there are instances, major or minor, where accommodating each other is very difficult. A job interview that necessitates a move, or simply a softball game that cuts into bowling night. Whatever the event, Stan stresses the need for win-win situations to be created. This compromise works well to keep couples engaged and actively working for each other.When asked if anyone can learn these skills of creating win-wins and of being attuned to the needs of the delicate relationship ecosystem, Stan says it’s not a matter of capacity but of will.If you are chained to someone, you will work together to move successfully. If you are stranded on an island, you will work with your partner to survive. If you are locked in a room with the only stipulation being that you need to come to an agreement, you will think of something. It is will and not capacity.Stan’s Take on SexTo keep this brief, being transparent, communicating, cutting back on self-serving sexual practices, understanding the reasons for performance anxiety, and quickly addressing disagreements before your negative biases compound the problem are all aspects that are discussed in this episode. Check it out!We Versus MeStan closes out the episode by accentuating the importance of focusing on ‘we-ism’ over ‘me-ism’. If you can be mindful of instances in your life where self-serving behavior is harming the overall ‘we’ dynamic of the relationship, then shifting your priorities is essential.For much more on these powerful concepts, tune into this episode. Very impressive stuff.Key Links for Stan TatkinFor Training and Therapy: The PACT Institute - https://thepactinstitute.com/Stan’s Personal Website: https://stantatkin.com/Affiliate links for Stan’s books (meaning I earn a small commission on your purchase):We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love: https://amzn.to/2EcDOhNWired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship https://amzn.to/2QL669ZWired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate: https://amzn.to/2EdHsbuRelationship Rx: https://amzn.to/2SGQH83Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships: https://amzn.to/2Epptj8More info:Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/

Stan Tatkin is the founder of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®(PACT). He has worked with couples for more than fifteen years in his clinical practice. He teaches, he counsels, he writes, he does it all!Stan has authored a few very important books throughout his career, some of them including: Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Wired for Dating, and his latest and the driving point behind this interview, We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. All in all, I am delighted to have Stan on the show. You are really going to get a lot out of this talk!The Difficulties of Cultivating a Cooperative and Collaborative RelationshipStan lays the groundwork for a secure-functioning relationship between couples. He says both participants in the relationship share power and mutually govern over each other to balance out the dynamic. Because we are perfectly imperfect as human beings, the dynamic is often skewed to one side. Collaboration is hard and positivity is just as difficult to maintain.To you who listen along, Stan will also take you down a fascinating neurological path when he explains our survival mechanisms and how the brain takes shortcuts. These facets of our development make it very hard to maintain secure relationships. Our states of mind, the many different perceptions we experience--of which Stan likens to a funhouse mirror--and our imperfect memories, are of many hurdles to overcome. For much more on this uphill climb, tune in.Threats and Shared GovernanceStan reminds us that the small ‘threats’, the eyerolls, the tone laced with animosity, the cold shoulder, passive aggression, all of it, can compound and show up in a very real biological sense. After time, you will view your spouse as a predator. Not in any malicious sense, but because of self-protective tendencies we have learned over our development, our perceptions can certainly be skewed unknowingly.Our capacity or tendency to be threatened in ingrained within us naturally. It can also be a result of upbringing as well. Some of it is triggered merely by standing eye-to-eye with one another; In addition, the principle of ‘shared governance’ can cause threats. Stan describes shared governance as shared principles that both parties believe in that will protect one from each other. He also tells us that this is how society works: we share a similar mythology, an analogous narrative is followed that reflects shared sentiments of governance.Really check out this episode to hear Stan explain it in much more detail.Putting the Relationship First?Stan stands by this practice. He says a lot of breakdown in relationships hinges on differences in focus. If both of you agree to put the kids first over the relationship, Stan believes everyone suffers. He doesn’t condone neglecting the child, but just like well-worn maxim of taking care of yourself before others, so too everyone benefits if there's a strong foundation to work with.The Couple BubbleThis interesting concept is described as two people protecting their relationship ‘ecosystem’. This system is built on accountability, that is, the push-and-pull of a symbiotic partnership where one action affects the other tangibly.Stan tells you to think of it this way: the couple bubble can either guarantee mutually assured destruction or mutually assured survival! Keeping the bubble in focus is extremely important.Much more is said. Do yourself a favor and listen along!What About Mutually Exclusive Needs?During the episode, the very crucial question of differing needs arise. What if there are instances, major or minor, where accommodating each other is very difficult. A job interview that necessitates a move, or simply a softball game that cuts into bowling night. Whatever the event, Stan stresses the need for win-win situations to be created. This compromise works well to keep couples engaged and actively working for each other.When asked if anyone can learn these skills of creating win-wins and of being attuned to the needs of the delicate relationship ecosystem, Stan says it’s not a matter of capacity but of will.If you are chained to someone, you will work together to move successfully. If you are stranded on an island, you will work with your partner to survive. If you are locked in a room with the only stipulation being that you need to come to an agreement, you will think of something. It is will and not capacity.Stan’s Take on SexTo keep this brief, being transparent, communicating, cutting back on self-serving sexual practices, understanding the reasons for performance anxiety, and quickly addressing disagreements before your negative biases compound the problem are all aspects that are discussed in this episode. Check it out!We Versus MeStan closes out the episode by accentuating the importance of focusing on ‘we-ism’ over ‘me-ism’. If you can be mindful of instances in your life where self-serving behavior is harming the overall ‘we’ dynamic of the relationship, then shifting your priorities is essential.For much more on these powerful concepts, tune into this episode. Very impressive stuff.Key Links for Stan TatkinFor Training and Therapy: The PACT Institute - https://thepactinstitute.com/Stan’s Personal Website: https://stantatkin.com/Affiliate links for Stan’s books (meaning I earn a small commission on your purchase):We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love: https://amzn.to/2EcDOhNWired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship https://amzn.to/2QL669ZWired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate: https://amzn.to/2EdHsbuRelationship Rx: https://amzn.to/2SGQH83Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships: https://amzn.to/2Epptj8More info:Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/

Stan Tatkin is the founder of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®(PACT). He has worked with couples for more than fifteen years in his clinical practice. He teaches, he counsels, he writes, he does it all! Stan has authored a few very important books throughout his career, some of them including: Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Wired for Dating, and his latest and the driving point behind this interview, We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. All in all, I am delighted to have Stan on the show. You are really going to get a lot out of this talk! The Difficulties of Cultivating a Cooperative and Collaborative Relationship Stan lays the groundwork for a secure-functioning relationship between couples. He says both participants in the relationship share power and mutually govern over each other to balance out the dynamic. Because we are perfectly imperfect as human beings, the dynamic is often skewed to one side. Collaboration is hard and positivity is just as difficult to maintain. To you who listen along, Stan will also take you down a fascinating neurological path when he explains our survival mechanisms and how the brain takes shortcuts. These facets of our development make it very hard to maintain secure relationships. Our states of mind, the many different perceptions we experience--of which Stan likens to a funhouse mirror--and our imperfect memories, are of many hurdles to overcome. For much more on this uphill climb, tune in. Threats and Shared Governance Stan reminds us that the small ‘threats', the eyerolls, the tone laced with animosity, the cold shoulder, passive aggression, all of it, can compound and show up in a very real biological sense. After time, you will view your spouse as a predator. Not in any malicious sense, but because of self-protective tendencies we have learned over our development, our perceptions can certainly be skewed unknowingly. Our capacity or tendency to be threatened in ingrained within us naturally. It can also be a result of upbringing as well. Some of it is triggered merely by standing eye-to-eye with one another; In addition, the principle of ‘shared governance' can cause threats. Stan describes shared governance as shared principles that both parties believe in that will protect one from each other. He also tells us that this is how society works: we share a similar mythology, an analogous narrative is followed that reflects shared sentiments of governance. Really check out this episode to hear Stan explain it in much more detail. Putting the Relationship First? Stan stands by this practice. He says a lot of breakdown in relationships hinges on differences in focus. If both of you agree to put the kids first over the relationship, Stan believes everyone suffers. He doesn't condone neglecting the child, but just like well-worn maxim of taking care of yourself before others, so too everyone benefits if there's a strong foundation to work with. The Couple Bubble This interesting concept is described as two people protecting their relationship ‘ecosystem'. This system is built on accountability, that is, the push-and-pull of a symbiotic partnership where one action affects the other tangibly. Stan tells you to think of it this way: the couple bubble can either guarantee mutually assured destruction or mutually assured survival! Keeping the bubble in focus is extremely important. Much more is said. Do yourself a favor and listen along! What About Mutually Exclusive Needs? During the episode, the very crucial question of differing needs arise. What if there are instances, major or minor, where accommodating each other is very difficult. A job interview that necessitates a move, or simply a softball game that cuts into bowling night. Whatever the event, Stan stresses the need for win-win situations to be created. This compromise works well to keep couples engaged and actively working for each other. When asked if anyone can learn these skills of creating win-wins and of being attuned to the needs of the delicate relationship ecosystem, Stan says it's not a matter of capacity but of will. If you are chained to someone, you will work together to move successfully. If you are stranded on an island, you will work with your partner to survive. If you are locked in a room with the only stipulation being that you need to come to an agreement, you will think of something. It is will and not capacity. Stan's Take on Sex To keep this brief, being transparent, communicating, cutting back on self-serving sexual practices, understanding the reasons for performance anxiety, and quickly addressing disagreements before your negative biases compound the problem are all aspects that are discussed in this episode. Check it out! We Versus Me Stan closes out the episode by accentuating the importance of focusing on ‘we-ism' over ‘me-ism'. If you can be mindful of instances in your life where self-serving behavior is harming the overall ‘we' dynamic of the relationship, then shifting your priorities is essential. For much more on these powerful concepts, tune into this episode. Very impressive stuff. Key Links for Stan Tatkin For Training and Therapy: The PACT Institute - https://thepactinstitute.com/ Stan's Personal Website: https://stantatkin.com/ Affiliate links for Stan's books (meaning I earn a small commission on your purchase): We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love: https://amzn.to/2EcDOhN Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship https://amzn.to/2QL669Z Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate: https://amzn.to/2EdHsbu Relationship Rx: https://amzn.to/2SGQH83 Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships: https://amzn.to/2Epptj8 More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you're enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/More info and resources: How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring LoveStan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and author who integrates neuroscience, attachment theory, and current therapies. He is the developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT), and he and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, created the PACT Institute to train other psychotherapists in this methodology. Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente in Woodland Hills, CA, is assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, and directs training programs throughout North America and globally. He is the author of Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, and Your Brain on Love: TheNeurobiology of Healthy Relationships.

Stan Tatkin is a clinical psychologist, couples and family therapist, and the author of Wired for Love. With Sounds True, he has published a new book titled We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Stan about his unique methodology, the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT). Stan explains his definition of a couple as a "biological survival unit" and some of the common occurrences that threaten the long-term cohesion of that unit. Tami and Stan discuss the ways attachment styles affect our ability to be in relationship and how we have to accept partners along with their burdens. Finally, Stan details what it means to have "secure functioning" in a relationship and the key lessons for creating a healthy, loving long-term partnership. (69 minutes) Tami's Takeaway: "Everyone is a pain in the ass," teaches Stan, "and so are you." Listening to Stan, I developed an even deeper appreciation of my beloved wife of 17 years, how she puts up with me . . . and how I put up with her. It also illuminated how the combination can lead to what Stan calls "a secure functioning relationship" where we see each other realistically, not idealistically, and are committed to collaborating as a successful "survival unit" consisting of two perfectly imperfect human beings.