Podcasts about tatkin

In this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love, unpacks the role of flirting in relationships. Is it harmless or harmful? He explores its impact on attraction, trust, and boundaries, offering practical advice for rebuilding security and handling breaches. Whether you're strengthening your bond or navigating trust issues, Dr. Tatkin shares valuable insights for lasting connection. Kari, Brooke, David, Kaime and Elora host Fresh Living on KUTV, which airs on CBS Channel 2 every weekday at 1 pm in Utah. You can follow Fresh Living on all social media platforms @kutvfreshliving and watch our show on YouTube

Does your couple relationship have a shared sense of purpose and vision? Hunter talks with Dr. Stan Tatkin about the importance of creating agreements within the relationship to avoid conflict and make things fair. They also explore the different attachment styles and how they can impact relationships. Tatkin provides practical exercises, such as the welcome home ritual, to help couples co-regulate and strengthen their bond. ABOUT HUNTER CLARKE-FIELDS: Hunter Clarke-Fields is the host Mindful Parenting Podcast (Top 0.5% podcast ), global speaker, number 1 bestselling author of “Raising Good Humans” and “Raising Good Humans Every Day,” Mindfulness Meditation teacher and creator of the Mindful Parenting Course and Teacher Training. Find more podcasts, Hunter's books, blog posts, free resources, and more at MindfulMamaMentor.com. Discover your Unique-To-You Podcast Playlist at mindfulmamamentor.com/quiz/ We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: /mindfulmamamentor.com/mindful-mama-podcast-sponsors/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Could your relationship benefit from a deeper connection? Join us for a conversation with Dr. Stan Tatkin, co-founder of the PACT Institute and renowned for his psychobiological approach to couple therapy. We explore his inclusive approach to modern relationship structures. Dr. Tatkin reveals his secrets for maintaining excitement in long-term relationships and offers advice on living authentically, fostering self-love, and operating from your adult mindset. Ever wondered why you're attracted to certain people? Dr. Tatkin explains the fascinating neurobiological roots behind our unconscious attraction to partners who mirror our emotional upbringing. We discuss the crucial role of presence, attention, and curiosity in sustaining intimacy beyond the initial spark. Discover how shared purpose and mutual protection are the cornerstones of a thriving partnership. Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the "couple bubble" concept, where mutual support and unwavering commitment are paramount. We explore the importance of aligning values, setting mutual goals, and maintaining a cooperative dynamic to ensure a fulfilling and sustainable relationship. In this episode, you will hear: Deep dive into Dr. Tatkin's updated book, "Wired for Love" The role of presence, attention, and curiosity in sustaining relationships Exploring 'pillow talk' for deeper emotional bonds Understanding unconscious partner attraction and its neurobiological roots The significance of mutual goals, shared visions, and the "couple bubble" Practical advice for building resilient and fulfilling long-term partnerships Resources from this Episode   https://courses.theadultchair.com/the-academy-of-awakening  https://www.thepactinstitute.com MORE ADULT CHAIR   The Adult Chair® Website https://theadultchair.com       Membership: The Academy of Awakening theacademyofawakening.com   Instagram  https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant    Facebook https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/    The Adult Chair® Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/    YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant    

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that felt like a constant battle, where every disagreement escalated into a full-blown war? Or perhaps you've experienced the opposite, a partnership so secure and harmonious that it seemed to defy the odds? What if the key to creating a lasting, fulfilling relationship lies in this podcast?In this episode, Dr Scott is joined by Dr. Stan Tatkin, a pioneer in the field of couples therapy and the developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). With a deep understanding of attachment theory, neuroscience, and interpersonal neurobiology, Dr. Tatkin has dedicated his career to helping couples build secure, resilient relationships that withstand the test of time.Together, they delve into the intricate dance between our brains and our bonds, exploring how our early experiences shape our attachment styles and how those styles manifest in our adult relationships. They will uncover the neuroscientific underpinnings of secure functioning, discussing the importance of honesty, fairness, and mutual support in creating a strong partnership.But it's not just about theory; Dr. Tatkin will share practical strategies for finding an ideal partner, navigating differences, and tolerating the inevitable pain and discomfort that come with any long-term commitment. They will discuss the role of transparency, setting up guardrails, and creating a shared vision for the future – all essential elements in building a relationship that not only survives but thrives.Whether you're in a committed partnership, navigating the dating world, or simply seeking to understand the complexities of human connection, this episode promises to be a transformative exploration of the neuroscience behind secure relationships. Topics We Break Down: How couples are the only democratic union to come together without a shared vision.Why it's vital to build relationships on the same foundation, and how to go about it.Helpful tips for setting up guardrails in relationships. How to identify your ideal partner. The impermanence of attraction, and the difference between love and compatibility.Dissecting the roles of society and basic human nature in problematic relationships.How it's always possible to work through deficits and gain new relationship skills.

Dr. Stan Tatkin, co-founder of the PACT Institute, discusses the importance of secure functioning in relationships and the principles of mutual care and the couple bubble. He emphasizes the need for couples to create a shared vision and set of social contracts to protect and support each other. Dr. Tatkin also highlights the challenges of modern dating and the importance of building secure functioning relationships from the start. He concludes by discussing the ongoing research being conducted by the PACT Institute to provide evidence-based support for their approach. Bio: Dr. Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, created the PACT Institute in 2010 to train mental health professionals to successfully integrate a psychobiological approach in their clinical practices. They appreciate his depth of understanding – of both the scientific research and the human condition – and how he integrates that wisdom to form the foundation of the comprehensive principles and methodologies he teaches. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists CA honored Stan with the Educator of the Year award in 2014.    Dr. Tatkin helps couples create healthy attachments and secure-functioning relationships based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. In addition to his robust clinical practice in Calabasas, California, Dr. Tatkin and Tracey lead couples through Wired For Love Couple Retreats -- both online and in person across the United States and Europe.     Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a founding member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Chapters: 00:00 Introduction to Dr. Stan Tatkin and the PACT Institute 02:00 Understanding PACT and its Polytheoretical Approach 04:54 The Motivation Behind Creating a New Perspective in Couples Therapy 08:44 The Impact of John Gottman and Sue Johnson on Couples Therapy 09:42 The Role of Brain Science and Psychobiology in Couples Therapy 11:32 Applying Brain Science and Psychobiology to Communication and Conflict Resolution 13:25 The Importance of Knowledge and Psychoeducation in Couples Therapy 15:22 The Interplay Between the Brain and Couples Therapy 20:16 Revising 'Wired for Love' and the Changing Landscape of Relationships 23:14 Common Relationship Pitfalls and Mistakes to Avoid 27:38 Creating a Shared Vision and Accommodating Differences in Relationships 35:16 The Importance of Mutual Care and the Couple Bubble 44:51 Applying PACT Principles to Modern Dating and Relationships 50:14 Building Secure Functioning Relationships from the Start 52:36 Key Relationship Advice from Dr. Stan Tatkin 55:03 Ongoing Research by the PACT Institute --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/thedudetherapist/support

Purchase Relationship Renovation at Home Online Course.How can sharing embarrassing childhood stories enhance intimacy in relationships?What is the difference between jealousy and envy in romantic relationships?How can couples protect their relationship from disruptive external influences?Join hosts EJ and Tarah on "Relationship Renovation" as they welcome the esteemed Dr. Stan Tatkin to discuss the vital elements of building and maintaining intimacy in relationships. In this illuminating episode, Dr. Tatkin, renowned for his expertise in neuroscience and attachment theory, delves into the power of sharing personal stories to foster deeper connections. He unpacks the significance of bonding hormones and why being present truly matters. Through playful and heartfelt interactions, the conversation navigates the responsibilities partners have towards each other's well-being and the essence of the "you and I against the world" mentality.Listeners will gain practical insights into managing jealousy and protecting their relationship from disruptive 'thirds' like alcohol or other relationships. Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the importance of governance and shared vision within a partnership, outlining tools for couples to create a supportive and interdependent two-person system. Whether you're looking to enhance your current relationship or are curious about how to navigate potential conflicts, this episode of "Relationship Renovation" offers valuable guidance and inspiration. Tune in to discover how intimacy and trust can be rebuilt and strengthened, even amidst life's challenges.Wired for Love by Dr. Stan TatkinRelationship Renovation YoutubeContact UsSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

“Our anger is “I'm angry because something happened that I feel was unjust or unfair” And if it continues, then I want my justice and you know, our injustices from childhood turn out to be society's burdens because I want payback here, even though you had nothing to do with it. So, hate and love go together because they're both strongly bonding connection, right? But really bond us in order to hate you, I've got to feel a lot about you, right? You did something to betray me, to violate me, to say, no, I can't do this, whatever it is. And so both are really strongly bonded, you know, just like anger is bonding. When we're angry with each other, it's a way to stay bonded and connected, even though it's unpleasant.” So says Stan Tatkin, an author, therapist, and researcher who guides couples toward more durable relationships. He developed the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), a non-linear approach that explores attachment theory to help couples adopt secure-functioning principles: In short, Stan and his wife, Tracey, train therapists to work through a psychobiological lens. Often, our brains get away from us when we're in conflict in our relationships—we lose ourselves to our instincts. He has trained thousands of therapists to integrate PACT into their clinical practice, offers intensive counseling sessions, and co-leads couples retreats with his wife. Tatkin is also an assistant clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA.  Stan wrote Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship more than a decade ago and it became an instant classic. It was due for a refresh to encompass the wider range of relationships we're now experiencing and it's just been re-issued, better than ever. In today's conversation we talk about the table stakes of a good relationship: Nobody cares about your survival more than your partner, something we easily forget. As it were, we get into a fascinating sidebar on Pre-Nuptial Agreements, which in Stan's estimation cause many relationships to founder. I'll let him tell you why. MORE FROM STAN TATKIN: Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them We Do Wired for Dating Stan Tatkin's Website Follow Stan on Instagram To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

If you've been ghosted in a long-term relationship or want to learn more about ghosting and dating, this episode is for you. Gretta is joined by Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a clinician, researcher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). Dr. Tatkin speaks and teaches worldwide on how to understand, create, and sustain secure-functioning relationships. He's authored six bestselling books and has trained thousands of therapists.In this show, Dr. Tatkin shares his views on:-  What to do if you've been ghosted in a long-term relationship- Attachment and distancing behaviors - How to communicate with children who've been impacted by the sudden disappearance of an adult in their life- How to build healthy new romantic connectionsAnd so much more! This show's a must for anyone who's been ghosted in love or is looking for a new romance.Connect with Dr. Tatkin:The PACT InstituteNew! Wired For Love: Fully Revised and Updated Second EditionInstagramConnect With Gretta:Free Guide: What to Say To Your GhostCoaching With GrettaTake Your Power Back WorkshopFree and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.comBetterHelp:Go to https://betterhelp.com/copingwithghosting for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help #sponsoredMusic: "Ghosted" by Gustavo ZaiahDisclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. Are you ready to move forward after being ghosted? Are you tired of worrying, stressing, and struggling to find answers? If you want to regain control of your thoughts and feel more at peace, there's a solution for you. For less than the cost of one coaching session, you can download the new Take Your Power Back Workshop. In it, Gretta and Coach Estee K. will help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it's a win-win! Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, author of Wired for Love, joins us to talk about the neuroscience of love. Stan is a clinician, teacher, researcher, and developer of the psychobiological approach to couples therapy (PACT). He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, cofounded the PACT Institute to train other mental health professionals worldwide to use this method in their clinical work. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. He maintains a private practice in Southern California, and directs PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is author of In Each Other's Care and six other books.  Visit our website at www.newharbinger.com and use coupon code 'Podcast25' to receive 25% off your entire order.  Buy the Book:  New Harbinger - https://bit.ly/3U4BO0n  Amazon - https://a.co/d/fJCvaBr  Barnes & Noble - https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/1128699983  Bookshop.org - https://bit.ly/3U9J8I2  If you have ideas for future episodes, thoughts, or questions, we'd love to hear from you! Send us an email at podcast@newharbinger.com 

 Dr. Stan Tatkin, is a PsyD, MFT, clinician, researcher, developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT), and best-selling author of the relationship must have book, Wired for Love (second edition out June 2024), which is the complete “insider's guide” to understanding your partner's brain, sparking lasting connection, and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust—now with more than 170,000 copies sold. His work has been endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow, Alanis Morrisette, Mark Groves, Scott Steindorff, among others.    He speaks and teaches around the world on how to understand, create and sustain secure-functioning relationships and more than 1.7 million people have tuned in to Dr. Tatkin's TEDx talk. He's authored six bestselling books, and trained thousands of therapists around the world.    Dr. Tatkin has been featured in hundreds of media outlets including TIME, Mindbodygreen, KATU, PIX11, The Knot, and more.   Dr. Tatkin is available to discuss a diverse range of topics such as:  How to keep your relationship full of love, intimacy and spice - for new relationships and those married forever!  Creating Your Couple Bubble: Ways to create a strong foundation for this ecosystem for partners.   Learning to Fight Better: How to fight while remaining on the same team and keeping things fair, just, and collaborative.   How to Achieve and Maintain Relationship Equanimity: Would you fall on the sword for your relationship?   Creating Joyful Rituals: How rituals can empower a relationship.   Brain Hacks for Better Relationships: How well do you know your partner's brain?   Marriage Training vs Marriage Therapy: How to set up your marriage for success and develop resilient relationships.    More on Dr. Tatkin   Dr. Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, created the PACT Institute in 2010 to train mental health professionals to successfully integrate a psychobiological approach in their clinical practices. They appreciate his depth of understanding – of both the scientific research and the human condition – and how he integrates that wisdom to form the foundation of the comprehensive principles and methodologies he teaches. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists CA honored Stan with the Educator of the Year award in 2014.    Dr. Tatkin helps couples create healthy attachments and secure-functioning relationships based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. In addition to his robust clinical practice in Calabasas, California, Dr. Tatkin and Tracey lead couples through Wired For Love Couple Retreats -- both online and in person across the United States and Europe.     Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a founding member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.     Any feedback or questions hit us up; Jamie@360yourself.co.uk community@360yourself.co.uk

Navigating through the complexities of human relationships can be challenging, but understanding the fundamentals of attachment and human behavior can make a world of difference. On the latest episode of Get Yourself Optimized, I had an enlightening conversation with Dr. Stan Tatkin, a pioneer in attachment theory and the neurobiology of love.

Some podcast apps may not display links from our show notes (see below) properly, so we have included a list of links at the end of this description. * At the heart of every healthy, fulfilling relationship lies the unshakable knowledge that we can trust another person with the care of our whole well-being. Yet most of us arrive at our relationships with triggers, traumas, and old patterning that can make this kind of intimacy challenging. * Renowned psychotherapist and couples therapy expert Stan Tatkin explores all the common complaints and conflicts we encounter in our relationships and provides key insights on how to navigate even the most contentious topics with understanding and respect in his latest book, In Each Other's Care. * In this episode, Dr. Tatkin is joined by licensed psychologist and CIIS Associate Professor of Community Mental Health Elizabeth Markle for a conversation offering insights for therapists and couples alike about repairing relationships and reigniting love. * This episode was recorded during a live online event on June 1st, 2023. You can also watch it on the CIIS Public Programs YouTube channel. A transcript is available at ciispod.com. To find out more about CIIS and public programs like this one, visit our website ciis.edu and connect with us on social media @ciispubprograms. * We hope that each episode of our podcast provides opportunities for growth, and that our listeners will use them as a starting point for further introspection. Many of the topics discussed on our podcast have the potential to bring up feelings and emotional responses. If you or someone you know is in need of mental health care and support, here are some resources to find immediate help and future healing: * -Visit 988lifeline.org or text, call, or chat with The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by dialing 988 from anywhere in the U.S. to be connected immediately with a trained counselor. Please note that 988 staff are required to take all action necessary to secure the safety of a caller and initiate emergency response with or without the caller's consent if they are unwilling or unable to take action on their own behalf. * -Visit thrivelifeline.org or text “THRIVE” to begin a conversation with a THRIVE Lifeline crisis responder 24/7/365, from anywhere: +1.313.662.8209. This confidential text line is available for individuals 18+ and is staffed by people in STEMM with marginalized identities. * -Visit translifeline.org or call (877) 565-8860 in the U.S. or (877) 330-6366 in Canada to learn more and contact Trans Lifeline, who provides trans peer support divested from police. * -Visit ciis.edu/ciis-in-the-world/counseling-clinics to learn more and schedule counseling sessions at one of our centers. * -Find information about additional global helplines at befrienders.org. * LINKS * Podcast Transcripts: https://www.ciispod.com/ * California Institute of Integral Studies (CIIS) Website: https://www.ciis.edu/ * CIIS Public Programs YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/ciispublicprograms * CIIS Public Programs Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ciispubprograms/ * Mental Health Care and Support Resources: https://988lifeline.org/ https://thrivelifeline.org/ https://translifeline.org/ https://www.ciis.edu/ciis-in-the-world/counseling-clinics https://befrienders.org/

This new episode of Unlock Your Potential features Dr. Stan Tatkin, therapist, researcher, best-selling author and developer of the PACT Institute.   At the beginning of the episode, we delve into the psychology of relationships. Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the importance of a shared purpose for a stronger relationship.   Midway through, we explore how relationships influence every aspect of our lives. Dr. Tatkin sheds light on why prioritizing the couple system is crucial for your life's success. Towards the end, we unveil the secrets for a secure functioning relationship. Discover the three key insights Dr. Tatkin shares to nurture a robust connection. I hope you enjoy this episode and gain valuable insights for cultivating a stronger relationship with your partner. Check Out More of Dr. Tatkin's Content Here

Welcome back to "Normalize the Conversation." Today we're diving deep into the world of relationships, love, and secure functioning. How can we create a partnership that is built on teamwork, fairness, and kindness? Joining us is a true expert in the field, the best-selling author of six books and the mastermind behind the Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Dr. Stan Tatkin. Dr. Stan Tatkin is a renowned figure in the realm of relationships and couples therapy. His groundbreaking work has transformed countless relationships, offering a path to a more secure and fulfilling connection with your partner. In this enlightening episode, Dr. Tatkin takes us on a journey to understand, create, and sustain secure-functioning relationships. He shares key insights and practical advice, shedding light on the path to lasting love and connection: - Dr. Tatkin explains the science behind love and attachment, providing a foundation for understanding how we relate to one another. Learn how our brains are wired for connection and how we can use this knowledge to enhance our relationships. - Effective communication is at the core of secure functioning. Discover valuable techniques and strategies for improving the way you and your partner communicate, ensuring that both of your voices are heard and understood. - Shifting from "I" to "We": Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the importance of teamwork in a secure-functioning relationship. Find out how to transition from an individual mindset to a collaborative one, where both partners prioritize the well-being of the relationship. - The 10 Relationship Commandments: Delve into the ten essential principles that can guide you on the path to a secure-functioning relationship. These commandments provide a roadmap for building a partnership that is rooted in fairness, kindness, and mutual support. Join us as we explore the fascinating world of secure-functioning relationships with Dr. Stan Tatkin. Whether you're in a long-term partnership or seeking to enhance your future connections, the insights and wisdom shared in this episode will empower you to cultivate love and understanding in your relationships. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/normalizetheconversation/message Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/normalizetheconversation/support

Things are lively in the studio today with a show that is packed to the brim with guests! In the first hour, SKOR North's Judd Zulgad talks about Kevin O'Connell's decision to name Josh Dobbs as their starting QB for Sunday's game against the Raiders, KSTP's Chris Egert talks about how Old Country Buffets went out of business, and informs about a apartment complex that was on fire this morning in Minneapolis. Hour #2 has Dr. Stan Tatkin join the show with advice on relationships, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. You can check out Dr. Tatkin's advice in his books "In Each Other's Care" and "Wired for Love" or in his TEDx talk! Plus boxer and musical artist Sona Akale joins on to talk about his upcoming match against Trey Martin on December 9th at Elemental Boxing in St. Paul! In hour #3 we're joined by Amy Seeman promoting 12 Moms of Christmas, which gifts vehicles and other supplies to single low-income mothers who have no means of transportation. If you're interested in donating or learning more about 12 Moms of Christmas you can email Amy at mamaseeman@gmail.com. Kristyn Burtt aspires to make Tevin's list of Squid Game shoutouts. On the Family, we finally put the whole "talking over one another" debate to rest. Just kidding, it'll remain unsettled forever. Just like how unsettled we are when we look up pro athlete salaries. They may be a short trip to a host of medical issues, but when you have 50 million dollars, you can just buy a new ACL. Probably. I'm sure they sell those somewhere. Stream the show LIVE on the Tom Barnard Show app M-F from 8-12PM or get the show on-demand on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Things are lively in the studio today with a show that is packed to the brim with guests! In the first hour, SKOR North's Judd Zulgad talks about Kevin O'Connell's decision to name Josh Dobbs as their starting QB for Sunday's game against the Raiders, KSTP's Chris Egert talks about how Old Country Buffets went out of business, and informs about a apartment complex that was on fire this morning in Minneapolis. Hour #2 has Dr. Stan Tatkin join the show with advice on relationships, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. You can check out Dr. Tatkin's advice in his books "In Each Other's Care" and "Wired for Love" or in his TEDx talk! Plus boxer and musical artist Sona Akale joins on to talk about his upcoming match against Trey Martin on December 9th at Elemental Boxing in St. Paul! In hour #3 we're joined by Amy Seeman promoting 12 Moms of Christmas, which gifts vehicles and other supplies to single low-income mothers who have no means of transportation. If you're interested in donating or learning more about 12 Moms of Christmas you can email Amy at mamaseeman@gmail.com. Kristyn Burtt aspires to make Tevin's list of Squid Game shoutouts. On the Family, we finally put the whole "talking over one another" debate to rest. Just kidding, it'll remain unsettled forever. Just like how unsettled we are when we look up pro athlete salaries. They may be a short trip to a host of medical issues, but when you have 50 million dollars, you can just buy a new ACL. Probably. I'm sure they sell those somewhere. Stream the show LIVE on the Tom Barnard Show app M-F from 8-12PM or get the show on-demand on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Things are lively in the studio today with a show that is packed to the brim with guests! In the first hour, SKOR North's Judd Zulgad talks about Kevin O'Connell's decision to name Josh Dobbs as their starting QB for Sunday's game against the Raiders, KSTP's Chris Egert talks about how Old Country Buffets went out of business, and informs about a apartment complex that was on fire this morning in Minneapolis. Hour #2 has Dr. Stan Tatkin join the show with advice on relationships, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. You can check out Dr. Tatkin's advice in his books "In Each Other's Care" and "Wired for Love" or in his TEDx talk! Plus boxer and musical artist Sona Akale joins on to talk about his upcoming match against Trey Martin on December 9th at Elemental Boxing in St. Paul! In hour #3 we're joined by Amy Seeman promoting 12 Moms of Christmas, which gifts vehicles and other supplies to single low-income mothers who have no means of transportation. If you're interested in donating or learning more about 12 Moms of Christmas you can email Amy at mamaseeman@gmail.com. Kristyn Burtt aspires to make Tevin's list of Squid Game shoutouts. On the Family, we finally put the whole "talking over one another" debate to rest. Just kidding, it'll remain unsettled forever. Just like how unsettled we are when we look up pro athlete salaries. They may be a short trip to a host of medical issues, but when you have 50 million dollars, you can just buy a new ACL. Probably. I'm sure they sell those somewhere. Stream the show LIVE on the Tom Barnard Show app M-F from 8-12PM or get the show on-demand on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Things are lively in the studio today with a show that is packed to the brim with guests!In the first hour, SKOR North's Judd Zulgad talks about Kevin O'Connell's decision to name Josh Dobbs as their starting QB for Sunday's game against the Raiders, KSTP's Chris Egert talks about how Old Country Buffets went out of business, and informs about a apartment complex that was on fire this morning in Minneapolis.Hour #2 has Dr. Stan Tatkin join the show with advice on relationships, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. You can check out Dr. Tatkin's advice in his books "In Each Other's Care" and "Wired for Love" or in his TEDx talk! Plus boxer and musical artist Sona Akale joins on to talk about his upcoming match against Trey Martin on December 9th at Elemental Boxing in St. Paul!In hour #3 we're joined by Amy Seeman promoting 12 Moms of Christmas, which gifts vehicles and other supplies to single low-income mothers who have no means of transportation. If you're interested in donating or learning more about 12 Moms of Christmas you can email Amy at mamaseeman@gmail.com. Kristyn Burtt aspires to make Tevin's list of Squid Game shoutouts.On the Family, we finally put the whole "talking over one another" debate to rest. Just kidding, it'll remain unsettled forever. Just like how unsettled we are when we look up pro athlete salaries. They may be a short trip to a host of medical issues, but when you have 50 million dollars, you can just buy a new ACL. Probably. I'm sure they sell those somewhere.Stream the show LIVE on the Tom Barnard Show app M-F from 8-12PM or get the show on-demand on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Things are lively in the studio today with a show that is packed to the brim with guests! In the first hour, SKOR North's Judd Zulgad talks about Kevin O'Connell's decision to name Josh Dobbs as their starting QB for Sunday's game against the Raiders, KSTP's Chris Egert talks about how Old Country Buffets went out of business, and informs about a apartment complex that was on fire this morning in Minneapolis. Hour #2 has Dr. Stan Tatkin join the show with advice on relationships, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. You can check out Dr. Tatkin's advice in his books "In Each Other's Care" and "Wired for Love" or in his TEDx talk! Plus boxer and musical artist Sona Akale joins on to talk about his upcoming match against Trey Martin on December 9th at Elemental Boxing in St. Paul! In hour #3 we're joined by Amy Seeman promoting 12 Moms of Christmas, which gifts vehicles and other supplies to single low-income mothers who have no means of transportation. If you're interested in donating or learning more about 12 Moms of Christmas you can email Amy at mamaseeman@gmail.com. Kristyn Burtt aspires to make Tevin's list of Squid Game shoutouts. On the Family, we finally put the whole "talking over one another" debate to rest. Just kidding, it'll remain unsettled forever. Just like how unsettled we are when we look up pro athlete salaries. They may be a short trip to a host of medical issues, but when you have 50 million dollars, you can just buy a new ACL. Probably. I'm sure they sell those somewhere. Stream the show LIVE on the Tom Barnard Show app M-F from 8-12PM or get the show on-demand on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Things are lively in the studio today with a show that is packed to the brim with guests!In the first hour, SKOR North's Judd Zulgad talks about Kevin O'Connell's decision to name Josh Dobbs as their starting QB for Sunday's game against the Raiders, KSTP's Chris Egert talks about how Old Country Buffets went out of business, and informs about a apartment complex that was on fire this morning in Minneapolis.Hour #2 has Dr. Stan Tatkin join the show with advice on relationships, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. You can check out Dr. Tatkin's advice in his books "In Each Other's Care" and "Wired for Love" or in his TEDx talk! Plus boxer and musical artist Sona Akale joins on to talk about his upcoming match against Trey Martin on December 9th at Elemental Boxing in St. Paul!In hour #3 we're joined by Amy Seeman promoting 12 Moms of Christmas, which gifts vehicles and other supplies to single low-income mothers who have no means of transportation. If you're interested in donating or learning more about 12 Moms of Christmas you can email Amy at mamaseeman@gmail.com. Kristyn Burtt aspires to make Tevin's list of Squid Game shoutouts.On the Family, we finally put the whole "talking over one another" debate to rest. Just kidding, it'll remain unsettled forever. Just like how unsettled we are when we look up pro athlete salaries. They may be a short trip to a host of medical issues, but when you have 50 million dollars, you can just buy a new ACL. Probably. I'm sure they sell those somewhere.Stream the show LIVE on the Tom Barnard Show app M-F from 8-12PM or get the show on-demand on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Things are lively in the studio today with a show that is packed to the brim with guests!In the first hour, SKOR North's Judd Zulgad talks about Kevin O'Connell's decision to name Josh Dobbs as their starting QB for Sunday's game against the Raiders, KSTP's Chris Egert talks about how Old Country Buffets went out of business, and informs about a apartment complex that was on fire this morning in Minneapolis.Hour #2 has Dr. Stan Tatkin join the show with advice on relationships, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. You can check out Dr. Tatkin's advice in his books "In Each Other's Care" and "Wired for Love" or in his TEDx talk! Plus boxer and musical artist Sona Akale joins on to talk about his upcoming match against Trey Martin on December 9th at Elemental Boxing in St. Paul!In hour #3 we're joined by Amy Seeman promoting 12 Moms of Christmas, which gifts vehicles and other supplies to single low-income mothers who have no means of transportation. If you're interested in donating or learning more about 12 Moms of Christmas you can email Amy at mamaseeman@gmail.com. Kristyn Burtt aspires to make Tevin's list of Squid Game shoutouts.On the Family, we finally put the whole "talking over one another" debate to rest. Just kidding, it'll remain unsettled forever. Just like how unsettled we are when we look up pro athlete salaries. They may be a short trip to a host of medical issues, but when you have 50 million dollars, you can just buy a new ACL. Probably. I'm sure they sell those somewhere.Stream the show LIVE on the Tom Barnard Show app M-F from 8-12PM or get the show on-demand on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Things are lively in the studio today with a show that is packed to the brim with guests!In the first hour, SKOR North's Judd Zulgad talks about Kevin O'Connell's decision to name Josh Dobbs as their starting QB for Sunday's game against the Raiders, KSTP's Chris Egert talks about how Old Country Buffets went out of business, and informs about a apartment complex that was on fire this morning in Minneapolis.Hour #2 has Dr. Stan Tatkin join the show with advice on relationships, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. You can check out Dr. Tatkin's advice in his books "In Each Other's Care" and "Wired for Love" or in his TEDx talk! Plus boxer and musical artist Sona Akale joins on to talk about his upcoming match against Trey Martin on December 9th at Elemental Boxing in St. Paul!In hour #3 we're joined by Amy Seeman promoting 12 Moms of Christmas, which gifts vehicles and other supplies to single low-income mothers who have no means of transportation. If you're interested in donating or learning more about 12 Moms of Christmas you can email Amy at mamaseeman@gmail.com. Kristyn Burtt aspires to make Tevin's list of Squid Game shoutouts.On the Family, we finally put the whole "talking over one another" debate to rest. Just kidding, it'll remain unsettled forever. Just like how unsettled we are when we look up pro athlete salaries. They may be a short trip to a host of medical issues, but when you have 50 million dollars, you can just buy a new ACL. Probably. I'm sure they sell those somewhere.Stream the show LIVE on the Tom Barnard Show app M-F from 8-12PM or get the show on-demand on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Dr. Stanley Tatkin is a renowned expert in the fields of psychology and relationship therapy. Dr. Tatkin brings a wealth of knowledge about the dynamics of healthy relationships and the importance of mutual understanding and support. In this conversation, Dr. Tatkin delves into the concept that there's no such thing as a universally 'healthy' relationship; rather, it's about what works for the individuals involved. He emphasizes the importance of purpose and principle in relationships, going beyond mere feelings to establish a solid foundation for partnership. Dr. Tatkin and I explore the idea of focusing on the relationship you want, rather than just the person. He shares valuable insights on creating a list of attributes and values you seek in a relationship and the importance of aligning with a partner who shares your morals and ethics. This approach, he suggests, is more effective than simply seeking an idealized partner. Discover more about Dr. Stanley Tatkin's approach to building and maintaining strong, purposeful relationships: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/therapy-with-stan In this episode, you will learn: - Dr. Tatkin's insights on what constitutes a healthy relationship. - The importance of establishing a relationship based on shared purpose and principles. - Strategies for identifying and aligning with a partner who shares your values. - Tips for self-reflection and growth in preparation for future relationships. - How to effectively manage and understand triggers from past relationships.

Get ready for a transformative journey into the world of relationships with Dr. Stan Tatkin, a renowned expert in human behavior and relationships. In our discussion, we explore the critical role of attachment styles and their significant influence on relationships. We delve into the challenges commonly faced in relationships, focusing on how stress-induced reactions, rather than the issues themselves, escalate conflicts.Our conversation with Dr. Tatkin also covers the complex dynamics of differing relationship structures, examining the principles of honesty and mutual agreement essential for relationship success. We discuss the biological aspects of attachment and how they can be misconstrued as love, as well as the impact of children on a relationship.Further, Dr. Tatkin sheds light on the "fish bowl effect" and its effect on relationships, revealing how our childhood experiences shape our attachment styles and influence our behavior as adults. We critically analyze the behaviors of people who tend to either cling or distance themselves in relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and resilience in developing secure, healthy relationships.In a vital part of our discussion, Dr. Tatkin introduces the concept of secure functioning in relationships. This involves establishing social contracts and agreements to reduce stress and foster harmony and safety between spouses. We delve into the significance of shared principles, mutual respect, joint decision-making, and embracing each other's differences. This enlightening conversation offers valuable insights and practical advice for anyone seeking to understand their attachment style and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Join us for these invaluable insights from Dr. Tatkin, and don't miss the chance to enhance your understanding and connection in your relationship. Let's dive in!Today's Guest: Dr. Stan TatkinDr. Tatkin is an expert on human behavior and relationships and can speak on all topics related to relationships, dating, marriage, love, intimacy, and mental well-being. He speaks and teaches around the world on how to understand, create, and support secure-functioning relationships, along with authoring six bestselling books, and training thousands of therapists around the world.Dr. Tatkin's TEDx TalkGet Dr. Tatkin's book!The PACT InstituteYour Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and RelationshipsKimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 200,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.Website: www.kimberlybeamholmes.comThanks for listening!Connect on Instagram: @kimberlybeamholmesBe sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and leave a review!

In this episode, I welcome back the brilliant Dr. Stan Tatkin to the show. This time, we're talking about parenting, especially from the lens of being new parents. Dr. Tatkin co-authored the book Baby Bomb, which dives deep into the nuances of new parenting and the effects it has on the couple's relationship dynamic. Couples are often unprepared for the challenges of parenthood and lack a solid foundation in their relationship. Dr. Tatkin covers topics like disagreements in parenting style, embracing the change in sexual dynamics, and how to master communication and connection. Whether you've got a babe on the way, are a new parent, or are interested in learning how to parent better - this episode is a MUST listen! Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is a clinician, researcher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He is the best-selling author of In Each Other's Care (4/25), along with the relationship must-have book, Wired for Love. Dr. Tatkin speaks and teaches around the world on how to understand, create and sustain secure-functioning relationships. He helps couples create healthy attachments and secure-functioning relationships based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. In addition to his robust clinical practice in Calabasas, California, Dr. Tatkin and Tracey lead couples through Wired For Love Couple Retreats -- both online and in person across the United States and Europe.    —Dr. Tatkin's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/ —The PACT Institute Website: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ Themes: Authenticity, Belonging, Parenting, New Parents, Relationships, Boundaries, Attachment Theory, Transformation, Conflict, Mental Health, Psychology 0:00:00 Intro 0:10:57 Co-regulating Practices for Improved Communication and Connection 0:14:16 Challenges in Modern Times: Distractions, Isolation, and Lack of Support 0:16:41 Fighting for Two Winners: The Concept of Win-Win in Relationships 0:19:07 Navigating Disagreements in Parenting Styles 0:21:12 Parenting: Collaborative and ever-evolving 0:23:11 Taking charge of parenting, creating something entirely different 0:27:00 Understanding intimacy and embracing change in sexual dynamics 0:29:02 Growing up, accepting losses, and deepening intimacy in relationships 0:30:57 Embracing the opportunity to become a better couple through parenting 0:33:25 Profound Insights on Communication Struggles and Self-awareness 0:35:23 The Humaneness of Communication: An Opportunity for Growth This episode is sponsored by: —BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/GROVES —SafeSleeve: Use code GROVES10 for 10% off sitewide at safesleevecases.com Drop us a note at podcast@markgroves.com for sponsor product support, questions, comments, guest suggestions, or just to say hello! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this episode of The Real Undressed, relationship expert Dr. Stan Tatkin delves into the importance of connection and interdependence in relationships. Through his insightful conversation with host Deborah Kagan, Dr. Tatkin explores the challenges of intimacy and sex, the impact of attachment styles, and the role of spirituality in creating secure attachments. He also addresses the topic of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, emphasizing the significance of open communication and shared principles. Additionally, Dr. Tatkin offers valuable insights on navigating the challenges presented by the COVID-19 pandemic, highlighting the importance of self-regulation and seeking support. Tune in to discover the keys to creating a secure and fulfilling relationship, as well as practical strategies for maintaining intimacy and connection.   In this episode you'll get to:   ~ understand the significance of secure functioning relationships where partners have shared priorities and work collaboratively. ~ learn about the impact of attachment styles on relationships and the importance of understanding and addressing them. ~ discover how spirituality can contribute to creating secure attachments and fostering connection in relationships. ~ have deeper insight into the challenges of intimacy and sex, and the need for effective communication and curiosity. ~ explore the topic of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, emphasizing open communication and shared principles. ~ learn about the role of self-regulation and seeking support in navigating the challenges caused by the COVID-19 pandemic. ~ understand the importance of exposing children to various things, including music, before the age of five to develop lasting appreciation. ~ see how gratitude can help in dealing with negative thinking and cultivating a more positive mindset. ~ and much more!     Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Website |     https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ Facebook |    https://www.facebook.com/drstantatkin/ Instagram |    https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/ LinkedIn |    https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-tatkin/ Twitter |    https://twitter.com/DrStanTatkin     *****     FREE GUIDED BREATH TECHNIQUE   Turn your fear into Faith. Your Stress into Serenity. Your Anxiety into Assurance. Your Misfortune into Mojo.   www.therealundressed.com/breathe     *****   Connect with Deborah Website | http://therealundressed.com/ Instagram | https://www.instagram.com/therealundressed/   https://www.instagram.com/deborahkagan/ Facebook | https://www.facebook.com/mojorecoveryspecialist/     Subscribe to The Real Undressed Podcast iTunes | https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-real-undressed-with-deborah-kagan/id1494643770 Spotify | https://open.spotify.com/show/1eOQaw6kryBsXo7Jb6qEnv   Please remember to: è Subscribe è Rate è Review the podcast. I read every single one and your feedback is valuable.    

Dr. Stan Tatkin is a clinician, teacher and author who has integrated neuroscience, attachment therapy and current therapies and is a developer, along with his wife, of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT) which is taught through their institute to train other psychotherapists in this methodology. Matthew Brickman speaks to Dr. Tatkin about his new book and his unique approach to couple's therapy as it pertains to conflict resolution.If you have a matter, disagreement, or dispute you need professional help with then visit iMediate.com - Email mbrickman@ichatmediation or Call (877) 822-1479Matthew Brickman is a Florida Supreme Court certified family and appellate mediator who has worked in the 15th and 19th Judicial Circuit Courts since 2009 and 2006 respectively. But what makes him qualified to speak on the subject of conflict resolution is his own personal experience with divorce.Download Matthew's book on iTunes for FREE:You're Not the Only One - The Agony of Divorce: The Joy of Peaceful ResolutionMatthew Brickman President iMediate Inc. Mediator 20836CFAiMediateInc.comSCHEDULE YOUR MEDIATION: https://ichatmediation.com/calendar/OFFICIAL BLOG: https://ichatmediation.com/podcastOFFICIAL YOUTUBE: http://www.youtube.com/ichatmediationOFFICIAL LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/company/ichat-mediation/ABOUT MATTHEW BRICKMAN:Matthew Brickman is a Supreme Court of Florida certified county civil family mediator who has worked in the 15th and 19th Judicial Circuit Courts since 2009 and 2006 respectively. He is also an appellate certified mediator who mediates a variety of small claims, civil, and family cases. Mr. Brickman recently graduated both the Harvard Business School Negotiation Mastery Program and the Negotiation Master Class at Harvard Law School.

We got the pleasure to interview Rikki's favorite author and relationship expert Dr. Stan Tatkin. We loved talking with him about how to function as a team and why it's so important to have a unified mindset if we ultimately want a safe secure partnership with someone. If you would like to connect with Dr. Tatkin or buy his new book this is the website! https://www.thepactinstitute.com/books

On this episode of Relationship Renovation, we delve into the importance of knowing your partner in order to have a successful relationship. Our guest speaker, Dr. Stan Tatkin, emphasizes the crucial role of childhood attachment experiences in adult pair bonding. Not knowing your partner's triggers can cause reactions that remind one of unresolved childhood issues, leading to feelings of frustration and blame. The responsibility lies with each partner to understand and manage their own reactions and be knowledgeable about their partner to work collaboratively and maintain a strong relationship. Tune in to this episode for an insightful conversation on cultivating a deep understanding of your partner.In the realm of psychology, few individuals have made a profound impact on the field of couples therapy like Dr. Stan Tatkin. Renowned for his exceptional expertise and groundbreaking insights, Dr. Tatkin has emerged as a true pioneer in the realm of relationship science. With his compassionate approach, innovative theories, and practical tools, he has transformed countless lives, guiding couples toward flourishing partnerships.The PACT InstituteRelationship Renovation DiscordTo learn more about our online program that helps couples improve their relationship and embark on a journey of self-discovery and intimacy building, click this link ------------> Purchase Relationship Renovation at Home Online Course.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

This week on The mother daze we have a special guest; Marriage and Family Therapist, Doctor of Psychology, bestselling author and Teresa and Mark's couples “tune-up” therapist Dr Stan Takin. Revered globally for his expertise in attachment strategy Dr Tatkin talks to us about his unique approach to working with couples, whether it's helping them to lovingly uncouple or to find a way back to each other again. From postpartum relationship disconnection to having each others “user manuals”, he offers up some game changing insights in to how to keep our romantic relationships feeling nurtured. So grab your partnership toolbox kits Daisies, you're about to add some new and potent supplies! Resource Links: Book's mentioned: Wired for Love Baby Bomb In Each Other's Care Your Brain on Love Follow Dr Stan Atkin on IG: @drstantatkin The PACT Institute Follo​w Sarah Wright Olsen: IG: @swrightolsen Follow Teresa Palmer: IG: @teresapalmer  FB: https://www.facebook.com/teresamarypalmer/ DISCOUNT CODES: • Go to www.baeo.com and get 20% when using the code MOTHERDAZE20 • Go to www.lovewell.earth and get 20% when using the code MOTHERDAZE20 More about the show! • Watch this episode on YouTube here • Co-founders of @yourzenmama yourzenmama.com • Read and buy our book! "The Zen Mama Guide To Finding Your Rhythm In Pregnancy, Birth, and Beyond" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Zach and Laura sit down with Stan Tatkin to discuss his work with couples and his new book In Each Other's Care. Dr. Tatkin shares some constructive frameworks for how to think about your relationship.  Sponsor: Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use code MTR for 35% off site wide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The most effective way to make it easier to get the love that you want and give your partner the love that they need is to understand each other's attachment style. Stan Tatkin has a helpful framework for recognizing when childhood imprinting comes up, and in this episode, we're unpacking the layers of what he calls the “Island” attachment style, otherwise known as avoidant insecure attachment. The defense strategies we use as adults are often the result of the experiences we had with our caretakers as infants. How we regulate the nervous system in the face of perceived challenges directly links back to how we were soothed (or not) during the formative years of our lives. But, that's not to say there's no hope for breaking patterns of attachment. In fact, consciously working with these patterns inside relationships creates great opportunities for transformation. The first step is to become conscious of this mechanism, so you're already on the right path. We take a look at different statements and scenarios that an Island type of person might relate to. We also work through why it's important to shift into a more secure, or in Tatkin's language, “Anchor,” style. Plus, we use ourselves as examples and discuss what parts of the Island attachment style we relate to.Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Why it's helpful to have a greater understanding of attachment stylesThe four different attachment categories that apply to most peopleHow misinterpreting attachment styles can lead to relational ruptures The major blind spots of Island-dominant people Reflecting on where your defense strategy is running your life Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterWired for Love by Stan Tatkin Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you're at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

We want to hear from YOU! Take our survey.Conflicts are inevitable in long-term relationships. But often we argue in ways that push our partners away instead of resolving issues.Dr. Stan Tatkin, a marriage and family therapist who has spent decades working with couples and training practitioners to improve communication in relationships believes there is a better way for partners to weather conflicts and emerge closer. His new book, In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them offers strategies grounded in neurobiology and years of clinical experience.When disagreements arise, primal instincts trigger 'fight or flight', making us defend ourselves instead of understanding each other. But with awareness and new strategies, partners can shift this dynamic. As Stan says, we can learn to "work problems, not each other", regulate emotions, consider interests equally, and prioritize the relationship.We'll discuss Dr. Tatkin's approach for navigating conflicts productively. His insights may save your next argument and reveal how you can grow closer through challenges together.You can find Stan at: Website | InstagramIf you LOVED this episode you'll also love the conversations we had with Julie and John Gottman about deepening long-term relationships.Check out our offerings & partners: My New Book SparkedMy New Podcast SPARKED. To submit your “moment & question” for consideration to be on the show go to sparketype.com/submit. Visit Our Sponsor Page For Great Resources & Discount Codes Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rafael Cortina and his fellow Podcaster, Dr. Jim Bramson, discuss their unique approach to couples therapy. Rafael and Jim utilize an eclectic therapeutic approach that pulls from the following: Gestalt therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS) Work, Imago Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Terrance Real, and the PACT model (Tatkin's work), to name but a few. In this episode, Rafael and Jim talk about what has worked well with couples, what has, and why. It is their aim at all times to build genuine rapport with their clients, creating an emotionally safe environment with an emphasis on honesty, curiosity, respect, heart-centered awareness, mutuality, and transparency. Jim discusses the importance of differentiation versus convergence, while Rafael considers the binary described as abandonment versus engulfment. They both agree that laughter is the ultimate elixir. Humor is important for couples work as it breaks down tension, can be a sign of self-acceptance, self-reflection, egolessness, and meta cognition.Cross cultural difference with couples, language barriers, and other barriers to entry are discussed. There is an emphasis on how to be fluent in the unique dialogue the couple shares. Rafael and Jim hope that practitioners listening to this Podcast may learn a thing or two of import that informs their work. Additionally, this episode covers topics relevant to individuals seeking couples therapy. Rafael and Jim want prospective clients to be better consumers of couples therapy and to know what to look for and what to expect. WCMI networking group A networking group for mindfulness-focused clinicians dedicated to learning together & collaborating for more information click here

Welcome to "Shit Talking Shrinks" - where two licensed therapists who have invested way too much money in degrees, certifications, and trainings share their love for their profession and sprinkle humor along the way!Dive into the captivating world of attachment styles in this must-watch episode featuring renowned therapist, author, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Dr. Stan Tatkin! Uncover the importance of understanding attachment styles in relationships and how they impact our sense of safety and security.Discover the origins of attachment styles and how they're shaped by our upbringing, along with the reassurance that they can change over time with the right support. Learn how to analyze your own and your partner's attachment style, and enhance communication to work together towards a more secure attachment.Tune in to learn how to breakdown and understand your own and your partner's attachment style, so you can better communicate and work together towards building a more secure attachment. With Dr. Tatkin's valuable insights, you'll learn how to navigate the complexities of attachment styles and build happier and healthier relationships.To learn more about Dr. Stan Tatkin's work, visit https://www.thepactinstitute.com/Connect with Dr. Tatkin on social media via @drstantatkin#AttachmentStyles #MentalHealth #RelationshipGoals #StanTatkin #PACTInstitute #WiredForLove #SecureAttachment #FamilyCulture #SelfAwareness #healthyrelationshipsIf you want to work with me therapeutically and live in CO or ILhttps://www.courageouspathscounseling.comNeed quality therapy ASAP?! Receive 10% off your first month by clicking this link

Building a strong and secure connection within a romantic relationship is a goal shared by many. We strive for harmony, understanding, and a deep bond that withstands the test of time. But with human nature being what it is - aggressive, warlike, moody, and easily influenced - it can be a challenging task. So, how do we achieve this level of connection? Is it about finding the perfect partner or following a set of rules? In this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin and Dr. Jessica Higgins embark on an enlightening exploration of human behavior within relationships shedding light on key elements that foster a strong and secure connection. Join us as we delve into the strategies and insights that can help you and your partner work together to create a solid foundation of love, trust, and mutual support. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other's Care. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:01 In Each Other's Care: Practical Guidance on Applying the Principles of Secure Functioning 10:56 Normalizing stressful situations and creating purpose-centered relationships. 15:36 Preserving relationships through proactive engagement. 26:05 Creating purposeful relationships: moving beyond psycho-biology to action. 30:37 Embracing a collaborative stance: Exploring partner's needs and approaching conversations with mutual interest. Mentioned Type Of Relationship Support (survey) In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Learn How to Interact When Conflicts Arise (excerpt) We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Relationship Rx (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) ERP 291: How “Love Is Not Enough” – An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Websites: thepactinstitute.com Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin Twitter: twitter.com/DrStanTatkin LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/stan-tatkin Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.      

In this episode Carolyn Sharp and I talk about marriage. The ups and downs and the work that is required to maintain the bond. Relationships are hard because humans are difficult so matching with others is difficult but we can either take the energy to prevent an issue or fix conflicts after. Carolyn is the Relationship Resuscitator Clini-Coach® and a working married mom who knows exactly what it takes to keep a relationship thriving long after the “I dos.” She helps couples fire UP their relationship back to the place of passion and connection that was once known. Finding the funny in serious situations at work and at home is second nature to Carolyn Sharp, and it is one of the things her clients find most refreshing. But behind this levity is a woman who cares very deeply about people and is passionate about using her creativity to help her clients build stronger and more vibrant relationships. She knows that she doesn't have all the answers and is on a path of continuous learning to be a better therapist. Carolyn's fierce commitment to social justice has not left since her career beginnings and she works to create a more fair, equitable and humane community in both work and personal relationships. Personally, she knows the pain of a failed marriage and like her mentor, Dr. Tatkin, Carolyn uses this experience in helping couples succeed. Today she and her husband of 5 years (this is a second marriage for both) live in a blended household of teenage hormones thanks to 4 kids ranging from 14 to 20 plus a menagerie of dogs, cats, skis, bikes, lacrosse sticks, musical instruments, swim gear and oars. During the brief times when the children are with their other parents, Carolyn savors the joys of a temporarily empty house in alone time with her husband. When she has the time, she enjoys cooking, running, gardening, reading, hiking, skiing and spending time with friends. Carolyn can be reached a: www.secureconnectionsretreats.com. Your host Lilly Jeanette offers her coaching services for families as well. For more info, you can reach her at https://www.empoweredmajestyteam.com/services Thank you for your listenership. Send your listener letters to truelessonspodcast@gmail.com! Best part of the letters is that they are anonymous! Want to know more about your host? Visit- https://linktr.ee/lillyjeanette Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/truelessons/support Love this podcast? Share! Rate & Review. Help others discover this show.

Hey, what's up everybody it's your host Josh Trent. I'm here to answer ALL your questions about anything ⬟ mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial wellness. Today we'll explore relationship attachment styles and all of my answers are based on the wellness and the wisdom I have cultivated since I started my spiritual awakening, well really, my path of awareness in 2003... 20+ years ago when I quit my job as an auto technician and sold everything I owned to move to Hawaii and find myself, fitness, wellness, spirituality and essentially find God. Get Higher Naturally! Save 15% on HigherDOSE 's #1 Selling Sauna Blanket, Infrared PEMF Mat, and Red Light Face Mask ONLY at joshtrent.com/higherdose with code "JOSH15" (link + code must be used together for discount) Are You Stressed Out Lately? Take a deep breath with the M21™ wellness guide: a simple yet powerful 21 minute morning system that melts stress and gives you more energy through 6 science-backed practices and breathwork. Click HERE to download for free. Is Your Energy Low? Looking for a cleaner brain fuel? Just one daily serving of Ketone-IQ™️ will help you feel sharper, more focused, and ready to take on the day. Click HERE to try HVMN's Ketone-IQ™ + Save 20% with the code "JOSH" *Review The WF Podcast & WIN $150 in wellness prizes! *Join The Facebook Group Ok, I digress... listen to some other podcasts to hear my own personal story, but when it comes to your personal story right here right now... here's the truth: you and I are loved, we are supported, and we are on the right path. So if you are looking for a longer form guest interview, click on any of our Tuesday shows and check out our shows on Thursday as well where I take one concept that might be complicated and I break it down simplistically with actionable steps you can take in your life. Make sure that you are following me at @joshtrentofficial on Instagram so you get notified when a Q+A is coming up so you can post your questions. This Q+A is really special because someone asked a question that is going to take 10 minutes of strong wisdom and experience to explain so today we are going deep into this question from audience member "PressentMV" who asks:   "I'm healing my childhood trauma... I already feel like I've healed so much until I get into a relationship and I'm back at the beginning. Why are romantic relationships so triggering?"   Romantic relationships can be both fulfilling and challenging. While they can bring us joy, love, and companionship, they can also trigger deep emotional wounds and insecurities. So why are romantic relationships so triggering? Let's explore some of the reasons. Firstly, romantic relationships always involve vulnerability. We open ourselves up to another person, share our deepest fears and desires, and allow them to see us in a way that we may not show others. This vulnerability can be scary because it means that we are risking rejection or judgment. When our partner responds in a negative way or doesn't reciprocate our feelings, it can trigger feelings of shame, worthlessness, and fear. Secondly, romantic relationships often involve attachment styles that stem from childhood experiences. Our early life experiences with caregivers shape how we view ourselves and the world around us. If we had secure attachments with caregivers who were responsive to our needs as children, we are more likely to develop healthy attachment styles in adulthood. However, if we experienced neglect or abuse as children, we may develop insecure attachment styles that lead us to have difficulties trusting others or forming close relationships. A great example of this, and a big guest on an upcoming podcast is Dr. Stan Tatkin, the author of "Wired For Love." So make sure you subscribe at JoshTrent.com/Podcast on your favorite player or the player you were listening to right now!   4 Attachment Styles In Relationships Dr. Stan Tatkin is a clinical psychologist and author who has developed the theory of attachment styles in adults. His work focuses on how our early experiences with caregivers shape our adult relationships. There are four attachment styles that Dr. Tatkin identifies: secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. Each style is characterized by different patterns of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in relationships: Secure attachment is characterized by a positive view of self and others, trust, and the ability to be emotionally intimate. Anxious-ambivalent attachment is characterized by insecurity, clinginess, and anxiety about abandonment. Avoidant attachment is characterized by a negative view of self and others, distrust, and the inability to be emotionally intimate. Disorganized attachment is characterized by an incoherent or contradictory view of self and others, fearfulness, and chaotic or unpredictable behavior in relationships. (OCD)   Tatkin's work has shown that our attachment style can have a profound impact on the quality of our adult relationships. His theory can help us to understand why we behave the way we do in our relationships and how we can change our patterns to create healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.   Island Attachment Style Individuals with an island attachment style typically prefer solitude and independence. They may have difficulty trusting others or forming close relationships because they fear being hurt or abandoned. Islands often value self-sufficiency and may withdraw emotionally when they feel vulnerable.   Wave Attachment Style Those with a wave attachment style tend to be emotionally volatile and crave intimacy in their relationships. They may experience intense highs and lows in their emotions, seeking closeness one moment and pushing their partner away the next. Waves often struggle with feelings of insecurity and may need frequent reassurance from their partners.   Anchor Attachment Style The anchor attachment style is characterized by stability, security, and trustworthiness. Anchors are reliable partners who value commitment and loyalty in their relationships. They have a positive view of themselves and others, which allows them to form healthy attachments without fear or anxiety. Tatkin's expanded attachment styles theory acknowledges that individuals can exhibit different attachment styles depending on the situation or relationship they are in. For example, someone who is typically an anchor may become a wave when they feel threatened or insecure in a particular relationship.   Why You Need To Understand Your Partner's Attachment Style Understanding your own attachment style can help you navigate your relationships more effectively. It can also help you recognize patterns of behavior that may be holding you back from forming deeper connections with others. By identifying your own needs and communicating them clearly to your partner, you can build stronger, healthier bonds that last a lifetime. Thirdly, romantic relationships can trigger past traumas or unresolved issues. We may have experienced painful breakups or betrayals in past relationships that still impact us today. We may also have unresolved issues from childhood that resurface when triggered by certain behaviors or situations in a current relationship. Lastly, romantic relationships often involve expectations and unmet needs. We may have certain expectations about what a relationship should look like or how our partner should behave. When these expectations are not met, it can cause frustration and disappointment. Additionally, if our basic needs for love, validation, or affection are not being met in the relationship, it can trigger feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. So what can we do about these triggers in romantic relationships? BREATHE. Use the code "PODCAST33" for 33% off. It's important to recognize our own patterns of behavior and communication styles that may be contributing to the triggers. It's also important to communicate openly with our partners about our needs and expectations so that they are aware of them. Additionally, seeking therapy can provide a safe space to explore past traumas and attachment issues that may be impacting current relationships. Therapy can help individuals develop healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with triggers as well as provide tools for better communication and conflict resolution. In conclusion, while romantic relationships can bring great joy into our lives they also have the potential to trigger deep emotional wounds and insecurities within us. By recognizing these triggers and seeking support when needed through therapy or other resources such as self-help books on healthy boundaries one can learn how to navigate these challenges effectively leading towards happier healthier connections overall. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your successes along the way - healing takes time, but it is possible. So, where will you start? Watch these Wellness + Wisdom podcasts with Josh Trent, about attachment, styles, conscious relating, and how to create the best intimacy possible by doing the deepest work on yourself.   BREATHE: Breath & Wellness Program Get 33% off of the BREATHE: Breath & Wellness Program with the code PODCAST33 Boost your immunity and calm your mind with freedom from chronic stress in the modern world. A 21 day guided breath and wellness program using ancient wisdom to boost your immunity, calm your mind, and give you freedom from chronic stress in the modern world. Combining special breathwork infused with safe vape cannabidiol, BREATHE gives you everything you need to let go of old weight, de-stress, and build immunity so you can live your best life. In this special (limited time) offer, you will receive: - Lifetime access to BREATHE - Free upgrades to all future training modules - Free additional training modules - Special VIP coupons for safe vape, essential oils, CBD, nootropics and more - Private WF group access   Links From Today's Show  Shop the Wellness Force Media Store breathwork.io COZY EARTH - Save 40% with the code "JOSH" HIGHER DOSE INFRARED MAT, RED LIGHT FACE MASK, SAUNA BLANKET - Get 15% off with the code “JOSH15“ Cured Nutrition CBD - Save 20% with the CODE "WELLNESSFORCE" PLUNGE – Save $150 with the code “WELLNESSFORCE" LiftMode - Save 10% with the code "JOSH10" Organifi – Special 20% off to our listeners with the code ‘WELLNESSFORCE' HVMN - Get 20% off your Ketone IQ order with the code "JOSH" MitoZen – Save 10% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” Paleovalley – Save 15% on your ACV Complex with the code ‘JOSH' NOOTOPIA - Save 10% with the code "JOSH10" ActivationProducts – Save 20% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” NEUVANA - Save 15% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” SENSATE - Save $25 on your order with the code "JOSH25" DRY FARM WINES - Get an extra bottle of Pure Natural Wine with your order for just 1¢ CHILISLEEP - Save 25% on Josh's favorite ChiliSleep products with the code "JOSH" ION - Save 15% off sitewide with the code ‘JOSH1KS' TOUPS - Save 15% with the code "JOSH" Feel Free from Botanic Tonics – Save $40 when you use the code ‘WELLNESS40′ Drink LMNT – Zero Sugar Hydration: Get your free LMNT Sample Pack, with any purchase BREATHE - Save 20% by using the code “PODCAST20” Essential Oil Wizardry: Save 10% with the code ‘WELLNESSFORCE' MY GREEN MATTRESS - Save up to $125 on your order with the code "JOSH" NEUROHACKER - Save 15% with the code "WELLNESSFORCE" ALIVE WATER - Save 33% on your first order with the code "JOSH33" M21 Wellness Guide Wellness + Wisdom Community Leave Wellness + Wisdom a review on Apple Podcasts

Themes: Relationships, Attachment Theory, Conflict, Interdependency Summary:  Today I'm honoured to be joined by Stan Tatkin: PsyD, MFT, clinician, author, researcher, co-founder of the PACT Institute and all-around relational ninja. Stan's ability to help couples navigate the often tricky waters of relationships is truly unparalleled, and in this episode, you'll understand why. Join us as we discuss attachment theory, the leading causes of breakups and, ultimately, how to co-create a thriving, lasting relationship.  Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other's Care. Discover: Why we choose the partners we do, and why we default to certain behaviors while in a relationship Two main reasons relationships don't last The non-negotiable habits of couples in strong, healthy relationships The mindset shift couples need to make for their relationship to survive and thrive 00:00 Intro 01:10 Stan's background 02:57 Why we choose who we choose 10:30 Two main reasons relationships don't last 18:02 Attachment theory & why we stay 23:24 Interdependency 26:29 Purpose-centered love 34:42 Creating a relationship that survives and thrives 41:32 Relationships are a team sport 48:16 Prioritizing repair 54:10 Avoid working on each other; only the problem Links: Website | thepactinstitute.com Instagram | @drstantatkin Sponsors: Cozy Earth | Use code GROVES for 40% off sitewide at cozyearth.com Create the Love Cards | Use code CTLCARDS15 for 15% off at createthelove.com/cards See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We've all heard that relationships are hard work…but why are they so hard? And what does healthy hard work look like versus putting up with behavior we shouldn't?   Dr. Stan Tatkin has a unique approach to answering these questions by looking at relationships through the lens of psychobiology. This means understanding how our brain, our body, our nervous system and our survival instincts can contribute to and work against healthy relationships. Yes, it's as fascinating as it sounds!   In this episode, we talk about how our self-preservation instincts can keep us from experiencing deep relationships and sabotage our happiness, how attachment and projection work, why we pick partners that feel familiar to us and how we can work against the brain's tendency to “get used to” our partners and keep the spark alive!   Listen to discover:  How our survival brains sometimes work against us in relationships Why we pick the partners we do Why relationships change after marriage What projection is and how it works The power of a purpose-centered relationship Practical habits for getting out of self-preservation mode and working towards the good of your relationship How to handle conflict in a relationship The biological reason relationships lose their spark and why curiosity is a game changer   Dr. Tatkin talks about how great partnerships are built not just on love and emotions but shared values, principles and goals. When the partnership develops its own identity and vision, it helps us look beyond ourselves and seek the good of the whole instead of just the good of ourselves.   This way of thinking and the habits that go along with it create powerful loyalty, intimacy and love that grows with time. This episode will help you work with your human nature to build stronger, more mutually fulfilling relationships with your love…and who doesn't want that?!   "[Secure functioning relationships] are built on full equality, parity, fairness, justice, sensitivity, collaboration and cooperation. That's a very simple idea that's hard to do." - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "When we are threatened or under-resourced, under stress, we are more likely to act and react automatically."  - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "We have brains that are always aware of what's missing...what we don't have."  - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "We are picking partners that look familiar, feel familiar in some way." - Michelle Chalfant   "It makes sense that we would pick somebody that's familiar enough to get close to but stranger enough to be interested in."  - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "We are in projection all the time." - Michelle Chalfant   "We've never lived outside our heads, and we never will. It's all perception." - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "When being in a relationship, one has to surrender that their perception is correct, that their reality is correct, in favor of the relationship." - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "We're inter-dependent, which means we have the same things to lose and the same things to gain."  - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "[Our partner is] a stranger that we're always trying to get to know." - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "Humans have a hard time with ownership and apologizing." - Michelle Chalfant   "A purpose-based relationship is a commitment to do the right thing when it's the hardest thing to do."  - Dr. Stan Tatkin   "When you become ordinary is when I look for the unique and novel in you. That's my job." - Dr. Stan Tatkin     LINKS & RESOURCES Dr. Stan Tatkin Website https://www.thepactinstitute.com/   Dr. Stan Tatkin Retreats for Couples https://www.thepactinstitute.com/retreats   Adult Chair® Coaches https://theadultchair.com/coaches/   The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification https://theadultchair.com/certification     MORE ADULT CHAIR The Adult Chair® Website https://theadultchair.com    The Adult Chair® Membership https://theadultchair.com/membership/   The Adult Chair® Events https://theadultchair.com/events/   The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification https://theadultchair.com/certification     STAY CONNECTED  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/   The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/   YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

Do you and your parenting partner struggle post-kids?  In this episode I talk to Kara Hoppe, MFT and Stan Tatkin, PsyD about what happens to couples after having children. We discuss the idea of secure functioning and how important it is for partners to make their relationship a priority. We touch on the importance of listening open-heartedly to each other, even when you don't hold the same views and encourage you to get curious about where your partner is coming from. *New!* Watch video clips from this episode on the Mindful Mama Youtube channel! If you enjoyed this episode, and it inspired you in some way, I'd love to hear about it and know your biggest takeaway. Take a screenshot of you listening on your device, post it to your Instagram stories, and tag me @mindfulmamamentor. Have you left a review yet? All you have to do is go to  Apple Podcasts or  Stitcher (or wherever you listen), and thanks for your support of the show! Takeaways: The couple needs to come first Your relationship is more important than being right Relationships are systems that require partners to move in coordination toward a shared vision Kara Hoppe, MA, MFT, is a psychotherapist, teacher, feminist, and mother. She has spent more than a decade working with individuals and couples toward healing, growing, and becoming grounded. Stan Tatkin is a clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Get Hunter's book, Raising Good Humans now! Click here to order and get book bonuses! ABOUT HUNTER CLARKE-FIELDS: Hunter Clarke-Fields is a mindful mama mentor. She coaches smart, thoughtful parents on how to create calm and cooperation in their daily lives. Hunter has over 20 years of experience in mindfulness practices. She has taught thousands worldwide. Be a part of the tribe—we're over 25 thousand strong! Join the Mindful Parenting membership. Take your learning further! Get my Top 2 Best Tools to Stop Yelling AND the Mindful Parenting Roadmap for FREE at: mindfulmamamentor.com/stopyelling/ Find more podcasts, blog posts, free resources, and how to work with Hunter at MindfulMamaMentor.com.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). He is the author and co-author of numerous best-selling books exploring individual and relationship wellness. Tatkin's work, based on a social-emotional capacity model, focuses on what partners can and cannot do to mitigate threat reactions during stressful interactive sequences. Tatkin is known for integrating various theories and models to form the foundation of the comprehensive principles and methodologies he teaches. As a result, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, California, honored Tatkin with the Educator of the Year award in 2014.Tarah and E.J. interview Dr. Stan Tatkin and explore his vast knowledge of the obstacles and pathways to a happy and healthy relationship. Dr. Tatkin shares insights and tools which help couples understand their struggles and create strategies to foster deep, loving and intimate connections. Full Episode TranscriptThe PACT InstituteRelationship Renovation at Home Online CourseSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donations

Relationship Stress Quiz - https://www.judycounselor.com   Complimentary Clarity Call - https://JudyKHerman.as.me/Complimenta...   Linked In - https://www.linkedin.com/in/judykherman/   Stan Tatkin, pt. 2 Better Relationships, Better Life with Judy Herman Episode 009: Simple Ideas That Will Save Your Marriage: Part 2, It Still Takes Two Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.   Listen to part two of this interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin on Better Relationships, Better Life, packed with simple ideas that will inspire you co-create a secure relationship. Nature, culture and history throughout time gives evidence of the necessity of equal partnership for survival and growth. It's not easy and it still takes two.   Here is what to expect on this week's show: ●    Our instinctual inclination towards teamwork can save relationships, and turn enemies into friends ●    How to honor both spouses in the partnership as “equal power and equal authority.” Otherwise it's not sustainable. ●    The necessity of your unique relationship set of ethics that both spouses agree to that's not to be reckoned with. ●    Why a relationship is less of a skill set and more of a practice   Connect with Stan: WEBSITE: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstitute TWITTER: https://twitter.com/DrStanTatkin INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/ YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/user/stanleytat LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/stan-tatkin/11/233/281   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Relationship Stress Quiz - https://www.judycounselor.com Complimentary Clarity Call - https://JudyKHerman.as.me/Complimenta... Linked In - https://www.linkedin.com/in/judykherman/ Stan Tatkin, pt. 1 Better Relationships, Better Life with Judy Herman Episode 008: Simple Ideas That Will Save Your Marriage and Your Life: Part 1 Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.   Listen to part one of this insightful interview with Stan Tatkin on Better Relationships, Better Life, full of the influences that helped shape the PACT institute, and some of the wisdom that Stan and his team can share:   Here is what to expect on this week's show: ●    How Stan utilizes his research in psychobiology as a foundation for his work with the PACT institute and in relationship therapy ●    How Stan went from drumming protégé to working with couples ●    The evolutionary and historical reasons why people long to be in paired relationships ●    Ways of thinking about relationships so that one member is not at risk of being eclipsed or absorbed by the other, where both partners can keep their individual identities while also supporting one another ●    The many different spiritual and philosophical traditions that influence Stan's work and the PACT foundation ●    Habits and rituals that you can form with your partner that will remind them of your mutual support, even if the two of you go to bed upset with one another   Connect with Stan: WEBSITE: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstitute TWITTER: https://twitter.com/DrStanTatkin INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/ YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/user/stanleytat LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/stan-tatkin/11/233/281   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Take the LQ test: https://dralkapatel.com/lq-test/ My guest on this week's episode of The Lifestyle First Podcast is John Howard- author of More than Words – the science of deepening love and connection in any relationship. In this episode we: · Discuss the secret of connection in order to communicate effectively · Explore the need for connection to enable safe and secure communication · Highlight how 80% of communication is non-verbal and 90% of information we gather is subconscious for survival and safety purposes · Discuss the impact of incongruity between verbal and non-verbal communication · Explore how to deepen yourself through relationships by imporving relationships · Highlight the importance of focusing on creating security before conveying ideas and concepts · Discuss the use of touch and proximity to create safety · Highlight how the quality of your relationships is a determinant of your longevity and health and wellness · Explore using acting techniques to change tonality and expression · Explore practising what good conversations might sound like to create templates in your memory · Explore use of the word we and inviting others into a growth process rather than a defence process -x- 1. The one question we discuss is, “what's the link between connection and communication?” 2. The two references we look at are (i) Howard. J. Get More Than Words. 2022. S&S Simon Element https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Words-Connection-Relationship/dp/1982182326 (ii) Tatkin. S. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Spark Intimacy. 2012.NewHarbinger https://smile.amazon.co.uk/Wired-Love-Understanding-Partners-Conflicts/dp/1608820580/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3SJBD6UUQ4SJK&keywords=wired+for+love&qid=1644673144&sprefix=wired+for+love%2Caps%2C58&sr=8-1 3. The three actions to take are: · Use touch and proximity in interactions · Practice good connection instead of just talking about issues · Remove distractions when communicating Which of these 3 actionable tips will you implement? Leave your comments below. -x- DISCLAIMER: This content does not constitute or substitute personal one-to-one professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or health care professional with questions about your health. -x- Find Out More/Contact/Follow: Guest: Website https://readysetlove.com/- to practice relationship skills and security https://getmorethanwords.com/- to get the book and additional bonuses Socials https://www.facebook.com/johnhowardatx/ https://www.instagram.com/johnhoward_atx/ https://twitter.com/johnhowardatx https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4dxbujJe8yj2mAXpP8tbSw Host Newsletter: https://dralkapatel.com/mailinglist --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/dr-alka-patel/message

This interview is packed with amazing insights on how to have an extraordinary, secure-functioning relationship. One of my favorite interviews to date. There's so much to learn in this episode that's all about relationships. If the quality of your life is based on the quality of your relationships, then listening to this episode with Stan is an absolute must! Grateful to have him on the show. Please enjoy :) Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFTClinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Information about Stan's work is available at www.thepactinstitute.comWebsite: www.thepactinstitute.comInstagram: @drstantatkinFacebook: PactTrainingInstituteTwitter: DrStanTatkinYoutube: StanleytatLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-tatkin/New Book: BabybombMore Links to books, retreats and free guide on 7 Ways to Fight BetterJackie Senatore's Website: clearforcoaches.comJackieSenatore Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jackiesenatore/

In this episode my dear mentor Stan Tatkin shares his current understanding regarding what it takes for long term relationship to endure and thrive over time. He also describes the psychological impacts of betrayal on the "discovery partner" and the "secret keeping" partner. We share are thoughts on the role of shame in the betrayal healing process as well. Enjoy! Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is a Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.

Understanding why love is not enough in an empowered relationship can be a challenge. So in this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin helps us recognize some of the most common biological and human factors that take us off track when creating intentionality in a relationship. Having a scientific framework that allows us to understand why we need more than love helps us create a shared vision for our relationships. By unpacking common causes of relationship challenges, we can learn how to commit fully to a loving partnership and ensure it remains a beautiful and fulfilling experience.  Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode: 09:35 Why the basic human being is not built for long term relationships 12:25 Going passively into a relationship assuming that love is the key to success is not the best approach to take 14:05 The inner development that we have to commit to can sometimes be challenging 19:03 Stan shares his practical tips on how to create a shared purpose and vision as a couple 33:29 The importance of being cognizant of that we continue to evolve as individuals while developing our purpose, vision, governance, and ethics as a couple 33:48 Why we should intentionally create form-fitting principles to ground our relationship 40:32 How PACT can help couples improve their relationships Mentioned We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Relationship Rx, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Relationship Road Map Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Website: thepactinstitute.com  Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin/ Twitter: @DrStanTatkin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

Karen notches her landmark 200th episode by welcoming returning guest Dr. Stan Tatkin back to the show for an extended conversation about his new book Baby Bomb. Parts 1 & 2 are with Tatkin, parts 3 & 4 will be with his co-author Kara Hoppe.

In this episode, Kimberly and Stan discuss attachment theory, styles of learned attachment, and ways to maintain healthy relationships. They discuss attachment theory regarding parent-child relationships as well as romantic partners, differences between codependence and interdependent relationships, and how to work towards mutually beneficial relationships even during conflict. Tatkin believes that with proper understanding and/or coaching, all humans can sustain loving and beneficial relationships despite conflict.   Bio Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®. Tatkin has written many books based on his attachment and relationship work such as Wired for Love and most recently Baby Bomb. Tatkin created the PACT Institute in 2010 with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, to train mental health professionals to think and work through a psychobiological lens in their clinical practice.   What He Shares:  --Definition of Attachment theory --Attachment styles (Islands, Waves, and Anchors) --Co-Dependence vs. Interdependence --Single and step parenting --Handling conflict   What You'll Hear: --Attachment theory is felt sense of safety and security of infant and primary caregiver --Secure and insecure reactions of infant, child, adult --Island, Wave, and Anchors as learned attachment behaviors --Island preoccupied with independence and autonomy --Wave encouraged to stay dependent --Co-dependence as one-way street --Interdependence as two autonomous beings in agreement of stakeholders in relationship --Healthy relationships always being two-person system, not individual  --Couples as co-architects creating culture around them --Thinking big picture in a relationship --Importance of vetting before a relationship --Focus on perfect relationship: safety & security, love & affection, admiration & growth --Relationship/children hierarchy --Single parents moving to relationships --Evolution of pair-bonding in herds --Interrupting stress patterns during conflict to remember benefits of other person --Put something in place to remind each other to keep from harming each other --Humans wired for threat, have to work through emphasizing love and benefits for individuals involved Resources website www.thepactinstitute.com IG: @drstantatkin

Today on Dear Sex Podcast, renowned relationship therapist Stan Tatkin joins Wendy as they deep dive into romantic attachments and how our primal needs drive them as part of our human condition. Tatkin is the founder of the PACT Training Institute and the developer of PACT—A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy. Author of numerous books on dating and love, Tatkin understands relationships in many ways others don't.

In this episode we delve into the underlying PACT element of neuroscience in interviews with Lou Cozolino and Stan Tatkin.  Dr. Cozolino is a professor at Pepperdine University and the author of numerous books and articles about the overlap of developmental neuroscience and psychotherapy.  Dr. Tatkin is the founder of the PACT Institute and has written extensively about the overlap of developmental neuroscience and couple therapy.  They both had formative experiences at the Bradshaw Center and in Alan Schore's study groups in developmental affective neuroscience, both maintain private practices and both live in Southern California.  They also share in the ability to translate neuroscience in a way that makes sense to the psychotherapist. All of this overlap provides a solid foundation to build a better of understanding of neuroscience, it is also interesting to listen for the ways their paths diverge and how their work with different patient populations impacts  their perspective on psychobiology.  As usual, Stan generously leads us off and helps to get us situated in how the interview with Lou can be understood from the perspective of couples and secure functioning.Time-----00:00:00 - 00:03:10 -Jason Introduction00:02:00-00:41:25 - Jason and Stan Tatkin00:41:25-01:27:44 - Jason and Lou CozolinoResources-----Lou Cozolino’s books on Amazon:https://www.amazon.com/Louis-J.-Cozolino/e/B001H6IW0G%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share Short video of Lou on Inspire Ideas:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYokFn1nw4QInformation about Allan Schore:http://www.allanschore.com/  

How do you keep love alive? It’s not what you think! This week, we’re diving deep into love, romance, danger, conflict, fact, fantasy and truth with Dr. Stan Tatkin, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). Tatkin’s practice is based in Calabasas, California, where for the last 20 years he has specialized in working with couples, and also individuals who want to be in a relationship. Tatkin is the author of numerous books, including Wired for LOVE: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.

Karen Buckwalter concludes her conversation with Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, about examining couples and romantic relationships through the lens of attachment theory. Tatkin is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. Dr. Tatkin also teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental self and object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was a primary inpatient group therapist at the John Bradshaw Center, where among other things, he taught mindfulness to patients and staff. He was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin was clinical director of Charter Hospital’s intensive outpatient drug and alcohol program, and is a former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter. He is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore’s study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse’s program out of UC Berkeley.

Karen Buckwalter welcomes Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, for part one of their conversation about examining couples and romantic relationships through the lens of attachment theory. Tatkin is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. Dr. Tatkin also teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental self and object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was a primary inpatient group therapist at the John Bradshaw Center, where among other things, he taught mindfulness to patients and staff. He was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin was clinical director of Charter Hospital’s intensive outpatient drug and alcohol program, and is a former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter. He is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore’s study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse’s program out of UC Berkeley.

On this week’s episode, Ameé talks with renowned couples expert and author, Dr. Stan Tatkin. Stan Tatkin, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 20 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. And he is the author of many books on the topic of relationships including Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, published by New Harbinger. In this episode, you will hear:Why is a romantic partner even necessary? What are the benefits of being tethered to another person? What is Attachment Theory and how does our attachment style affect us as adults? What is attraction and why do we go for certain types of people, even if they are “wrong” for us?How do you become an expert in your partner? Ultimately, how do we know this other person is worth the effort? What are our cues? Books by Dr. Tatkin include:We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love, published by Sounds TrueRelationship Rx: Insights and Practices to Overcome Chronic Fighting and Return to Love, published by Sounds TrueWired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, published by New Harbinger.Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, published by New Harbinger.Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, published by Sounds True.Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy, with coauthor Marion Solomon, available through W. W. Norton’s Interpersonal Neurobiology Series. Website: https://thepactinstitute.com/Facebook the PACT Institute: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstituteFacebook for Dr. Stan Tatkin: https://www.facebook.com/drstantatkin/

With so many different potential approaches to helping your relationship, how do you choose the one that’s right for you? And how do you make sense of them all together? John and Julie Gottman, Sue Johnson, Esther Perel, David Schnarch, Stan Tatkin, Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, Terry Real - they’re all describing different ways of getting the same thing - a loving, thriving, passionate relationship. Today we’re going to tackle how it all fits together, so you’re better prepared to steer your own relation-ship. To help us integrate in a way that makes it practical and clear, we’ve invited Dr. Keith Witt back to the show. Keith Witt is an integral psychologist, which gives him a unique perspective in making sense of all these roads that lead to Rome. His most recent book, Loving Completely, details his approach to bringing all of the essential parts of you to your relationship. Along with having written 7 other books, Keith has conducted more than 55,000 therapy sessions with his clients! If you’ve been wondering how to make sense of it all, this episode is for you! Also, please check out our first three episodes with Keith Witt - Episode 158: Loving Completely,  Episode 80: Bring Your Shadow into the Light and Episode 13: Resolve Conflict and Create Intimacy through Attunement. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are - thank you!), this week's episode has two great sponsors, each with a special offer for you. For a unique gift to discover meaningful stories from the life of someone important to you, visit Storyworth.com/ALIVE for $20 off a subscription. Share the memories with your family, and preserve them in a beautiful hardbound book. It’s a perfect Mother’s Day gift! Want to experience a Luxury Suite or VIP Box at an amazing concert or sporting event? Check out Suitehop.com/DATENIGHT to score sweet deals on a special night for you and your partner. Resources: Check out Keith Witt’s website Read Keith Witt’s new book: Loving Completely: A Five Star Practice for Creating Great Relationships Check out Keith Witt’s other books as well! FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict… Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) www.neilsattin.com/integrate Visit to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Keith Witt. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. And if you can hear it in my voice, I'm particularly excited for today's conversation. Of course, we've had so many different viewpoints represented here on Relationship Alive because there are so many roads that lead to Rome, the Rome of romance and romantic partnership, and how we sustain loving, thriving, monogamous relationships, and it's not always that one road works for any one person. And this has come up several times in the show, this question of, well, “so and so says their way is the way and they sound so convincing when you're talking to them, Neil, so what do I do when it doesn't work?" And this happens sometimes. Neil Sattin: So, if you've tuned in for a while then you know that the reason that I have all these different voices on the show is because I really believe strongly that it's whatever works that's important. And I suppose for myself I might put some boundaries around that; what I'd be comfortable with or where I'd feel a little edgy or stretching, but for the most part, I think that it's up to you to really get informed about what's possible and then make choices that really align with you or maybe stretch you in a direction that feels like a light way to be stretched. At the same time, they all form part of this big puzzle that makes sense. And so, I wanted to have a conversation today about how we integrate as much as possible the way that we think about all of these different methodologies so you can see how they all fit together, they don't exclude each other, for the most part. They actually all find a place in the big picture of how we make relationships, what we want them to be. And as much as some of the people on my show might want you to think otherwise, this is my personal belief. Neil Sattin: And so to have this conversation, I've invited one of my favorite guests to have here on the show who also happens to be someone who's very good at integrating all these different approaches. His name is Keith Witt. He has been here before to talk about his books, "Loving Completely", "Shadow Light", "The Attuned Family"; and he is an integral psychologist among other things. And so the integral perspective, I think will help us understand how all of these different pieces fit together in a way that actually does make a coherent whole, it makes sense. So, Keith, thank you so much for joining us today on Relationship Alive. Keith Witt: I am always happy to be on your show and it's one of the pleasures of my life, our conversations. [laughter] Neil Sattin: Awesome, well, the feeling is mutual. I do want to say before we dive in deep that we'll have a transcript of this episode. If you're interested in downloading it, you may want to read it a few times, you can visit neilsattin.com/integrate 'cause we're going to be integrating everything today. Or, as always, you can text the word "PASSION" to the number 33444, follow the instructions and you'll be able to download the transcript to today's episode. So, Keith, let's start with maybe where you orient in terms of this conversation. And before we got started, you were talking about this sense of, as we talk about all these different schools of thought, we're really talking about the founders of modern relationship theory. So, where do you put yourself and how do you make sense of where you are in this conversation about how we're tying all of these things together? Keith Witt: Well, first of all, being a founder is a peculiar thing. I've developed various systems, all of them interrelated generally, under the integral umbrella. And integral has worked for me greatly. [chuckle] The reason why integral has worked for me greatly is the integral is a meta theory, not a theory. And so, I had actually generated systems and written some books about systems before I encountered integral. But then the integral, looking at the world through the objective and the subjective, the individual and the collective; looking at the world through types of people, states of consciousness, through people being at different developmental levels, including therapists, I realized that when you put any system into that, including the systems I developed, it expanded. And it made me just fascinated with the commonalities that affective systems, particularly of relationships and of love because I think everything's relationships is. Keith Witt: And so, one of the things that's different for me and other founders is that, even though I've... If you look at my eight books, there's essentially seven different systems interrelated of doing psychotherapy and of doing couples work. I'm not particularly invested in any of them. Those systems are useful, they're coherent, they have a lot of technical and theoretical interconnections with everybody else and with the research. But I agree with exactly what you said. Ultimately, when a couple or an individual wants to love better, they come in, it's the goodness of fit with the therapist and it's how effectively they move forward, and there's an alchemical experience that happens with that, that can only be described in the intersubjectivity of the session. And meta research on psychotherapy has shown this again and again, and one of my favorite meta-analyses, which they took lots of studies and put them together, they found out a couple of very fascinating things. One, therapy helps people, okay? That's good news for everybody. Neil Sattin: Good to know. Keith Witt: The second thing that the variance of change was explained by 40% in this meta-analysis, 40% of the variance of change was client variables; how resilient they were, what kind of social networks they had, what kind of resources they had; 30% of the variance of positive change was the relationship, what was the solidity of the intersubjectivity of the alliance between the clients and the therapist; 15% was placebo effect. If you go to somebody, give them a bunch of money and they expect to change, you're going to change. [chuckle] Keith Witt: In fact, that's something that has completely confused the field when it comes to the whole psychotropic thing. Probably 30% or 40% of the effect of most antidepressants is placebo effect, 8%-12% is probably the drug. Okay, so 15% placebo effect, 15% method of treatment. Okay, well, method of treatment 15% is significant. In poker, 7% is skill and the good poker player always wins but that 15% isn't as big as the client variables and it isn't as big as that 30% of the alliance. And so, I'm aware of that and so I hold my systems lightly, even though I love them. And so, I look at the other systems and I look at my relationships with the other systems, and I get a lot out of all of them. But also, I noticed that as we moved through the fields, our own little blind spots tend to affect how we absorb systems, how we enact systems, and how we integrate them. And I find that interesting because every time I find a blind spot, that's an opportunity to wake up. And this is where our conversation went when we were talking about this. So, how do they fit together? Well, as it turns out, even though they look very different from the outside, most of them fit together quite well in terms of the constructs that the various therapists bring to bear with couples and individuals for that matter and what they have to do in a session to help people move forward. Keith Witt: So, that's pretty much it. My Loving Completely approach is approach that I love a lot, and you can check it out in my book, "Loving Completely". And my book, "Waking Up" that was the first book that I wrote after I had my integral awakening, is one of the first texts on integrally-informed psychotherapy, and it has sections in it around integrally informed sex therapy and marriage counselling. And I'm quite proud of that, and I think that works a lot, but are those more effective than Gottman's approach. Schnarch's approach, or Perel's approach, or Tatkin's approach? I don't think so. I think pretty much you have a good therapist, who's enacting their system and is attuned to their clients, they're going to do pretty well. And this goes for me, all the way back to my doctoral research. I was always interested in this, and so my doctoral research was I took three different kinds of systems and researched them in terms of how much they enhanced the health of clients. Talking plus touching, talking without touching, and touching without talking. And I found that the people got better equally, which led me to conclude that in psychotherapy, people have a natural healing style. Keith Witt: And what you want to do is you want to identify it and enhance it and let it and help it grow as you grow throughout a lifetime. And I think that's probably the best way to go, as a psychotherapist and as a marriage counselor, and certainly when I train people and supervise people, that's my perspective. What's your natural healing style? How can we help you expand that and grow within that natural healing style? And that natural healing style has to involve, not just your style expanding, but you expanding. If we don't grow as individuals, we're limited as clinicians. Neil Sattin: Yeah, that's... I really appreciate your saying that and it's making me think about that problem of when someone comes to me and says, "I tried. I found an EFT therapist and that didn't work, or I found a Gottman therapist and that didn't work." I wonder sometimes if that might be, because the particular therapist isn't necessarily 100% aligned in terms of their healing style, which you just mentioned, with the system that they've learned. It may be that they believe 150% in the effectiveness of that system, but if it doesn't tap into their own natural alignment and integrity and how they create resonance with their clients, then I could see it falling flat at times. Keith Witt: Oh yeah. Before, let me see, probably 2000, I've been doing this since I first started studying therapy in 1965. I mean, I've been studying bazillion systems. And so for me, until I was around 50, every time they discovered a new system, I go, "Oh, damn." Because I knew that I was going to get disintegrated. I was going to learn this system and it was going to disrupt my understanding of the psychotherapeutic universe. I would have to climb into this system and enact it until I could actually enact the system naturally, I could answer questions from the system. And I knew that it would re-organize my understanding of the universe, and it was a lot of work. So, every time I found a good system, I go, "Oh Jesus, not another one." And then I would study it and I would... Sometimes for years, and it was always difficult in the beginning because it would destabilize, and that's very much how development goes on any developmental line. You expand into the current world view, and something comes and causes that world view to not quite be enough, and so the old one disintegrates and you go through that period of disintegration before you re-integrate into a more complex system. And I kept hoping that it would be the end of it. I'd finally get a system that was so great that I wouldn't have to have go through that experience. Keith Witt: And then after I was 50 and studied integral and wrote about integral, I realized that I was enjoying the process now, that when someone came up with a new idea, like EMDR that it actually was... EMDR is wonderful in certain situations dealing with trauma. And so that was great when as soon as I identified it as a great system, I saw a research that persuaded me, I dived in and I had a lot of fun learning and acting EMDR until I could bring it into my repertoire of theoretical and practical understanding. Now, what did that reflect? That reflected my consciousness changing. Keith Witt: I shifted from being more egocentric in my understanding to being more open, so my unconscious was actually aware. Keith, there will be great systems that will happen and when they arrive, they'll help you grow and be a better therapist, they're wonderful. And so, my subjective reaction to them shifted from, "Oh, no," to "Oh, boy." And this is how you notice that you grow. You don't notice that you grow particularly because you have a new idea, you notice that you grow because you have a different natural reaction to something that you had a different reaction to before. And it's very difficult to notice a shift of world views from the inside. It's easier for other people to give you feedback about it until you get to a certain level of development in the integral, we call that the "second tier" and then it's just easier to see that kind of stuff. And so that's been my experience with this over the decades. That's my current experience with it. Neil Sattin: Great, yeah. And just to give you listening, a full sense of what I'm bringing to this conversation, I mentioned in the introduction that a lot of this is about you finding tools that work for you. I also have another bias that comes from my position of being able to talk to so many of the founders of relationship theories, which is... And it comes from my upbringing I think, which is this kind of like, "can't we all just get along" mentality. In an ideal world I'd be having this conversation, Keith, you would probably still be there and we would have everyone on a stage as a panel, but the express purpose of that conversation would be like, "Let's figure out how we can all work together." And my understanding is that, that's been challenging in the field to bring everyone together like that, but that's another thing that... My own agenda that I bring to this conversation is, I want everyone to get along and to commit to the overall betterment of how effective we can be in our lives or as therapists or coaches, or people who help others. It's really important to me. Keith Witt: Well, Amen. [laughter] Neil Sattin: And some other things that you were mentioning made me think immediately of John Gottman. And I can't remember if he mentioned this actually in our first interview, if it was part of what I recorded or if it was just part of my conversation with him. But he talks about how important it is for him to know when he's wrong. He keeps a very detailed record of all the ideas that he's ever had and I think he might have said that he's wrong more than half the time. Keith Witt: Yes, he says that. More than half of his hypothesis have been proved false. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Right, right. And so for him, this is one of the things that he stakes his claim around is that, he's distilled a body of work that statistically has been shown to work more than 50% of the time I think, in fact it's like 86 or something percent of the time. And that being said, he's also... What I love about that statement is one, his embrace of the willingness to be wrong, which is so important at any level of relationship, relationship to an idea, relationship to your spouse, so I really appreciate that. And also it seems to be his major critique of people who would use other systems that maybe haven't been empirically proven to be effective because what if you put it under a scientific scrutiny and found that it only worked 10% of the time, like your best placebo on its, without; or sorry, your best drug without the placebo effect. So, that's where it gets confusing for people I think, because they're like, "Well, if my local shaman hasn't undergone scientific study, what do I do with the fact that it's actually been really helpful for me? Versus going to my Gottman-certified therapist? Keith Witt: John Gottman is the only founder that I know of whose psychotherapeutic approach and theoretical approach literally arose out of his research. That's not true for any of the rest of us. Everybody else was doing stuff that worked really well for them in certain situations and they saw how things fit together, and then they fitted it together with other stuff that they found out and created a structure. That's not a bad thing. That's how theories historically have arisen, in my opinion, except for say, physics. And John Gottman started out as a mathematician. Keith Witt: I went to a three-day workshop with him and Julie, and at the very end, I went up to him, I said, "You know, John, I've done a lot of this stuff, okay? And your system has the most amount of good stuff and the least amount of bullshit than any other system that I've seen." And he laughed because he got it. Another thing that endeared me to him, and I gotta say I am biased towards John Gottman, I love that guy, I think he and Julie are great. Keith Witt: In a conference where everybody's talking about how their system is the best, he went up on stage and says, "You know, I think about my treatment's failures." And I thought, "God, John, thank you." I think about my treatment failures too, what the fuck. What can I do different. What's the new stuff? He is a researcher. Now, I use a lot of his research to validate my approach, I've changed things that I've done in response to some of his research. I've changed some of my understandings in response to some of his research. Why? He's just the best and most comprehensive couples researcher around. In terms of my approach, almost every psychotherapist and all couples counselors to a certain extent through psychoeducation, you're basically teaching people about themselves and about how relationships work. Keith Witt: The nice thing about Gottman's approach is that he didn't really, in most of his work, he didn't really have confirmation bias. Confirmation bias is what most founders bring to their research, if they do research. Okay, well, if you're doing research to show that your system is great, that's confirmation bias. Now, human beings, when they develop, when they develop from fundamentalist, which is I'm going to enact the EFT system or the crucible system exactly how it's supposed to be, and I'm not going to really think about whether it's working or not, that's a fundamentalist system. I'm going with the structure, but because it's the structure. Keith Witt: When you go to a more rational system, a rational system is, "Well, I want to cross-validate things and see how they work, and if they work better, I'll shift into a new system." In between that conformist and that rational system, there's an in-between stage. Susanne Cook-Greuter and Beena Sharma who studied developmental stages, they call it the 3-4 stage 'cause 3 is conformist and 4 is rational; they called it the 3-4 stage. In that stage, people experience themselves as open to input, but actually they have confirmation bias, they're looking for data that support their preconceived notions and they very much resist change. Keith Witt: You know, back in the '90s, I went to a David Schnarch workshop. And so, David Schnarch was all about differentiation, a concept he obviously lifted from Murray Bowen and never gives him any credit for, which pissed off Dan Siegel enough in the conference so Dan Siegel called him out on it. It was one of those little conference snafus that happen, it fascinated everybody. So I went up to Schnarch, I said, "You know, I think there is a more fundamental construct than differentiation." He said, "What?" I said, "I think it's health." He said, "That's too broad." Now, maybe he's right. Maybe my orientation towards what's healthy and not healthy is a too broad concept. But his immediate reaction was dismissal. He didn't want to consider that there might be a more fundamental organizing principle than his, okay? There was confirmation bias. Now, he's a good counterpoint, to me, to John Gottman. John Gottman doesn't like people making assertions without doing research, but I don't care, I still love John Gottman. Keith Witt: David Schnarch spent minutes on stage during that workshop warning people to not use his stuff 'cause it's all trademarked and I found him arrogant and narcissistic, and to this day, irritating. Now, what is that? Both of them have their own critiques. Why do I find myself really liking John Gottman and irritated with Schnarch? Even more importantly, whenever you get irritated with someone, there's a tendency to dismiss what's great about their system. And this is what is beautiful about integral, integral says, "Everybody gets to be right, nobody gets to be right all the time." And Schnarch's concept of differentiation and holding on to yourself and the whole crucible approach to couples is a really good approach. Okay, that is very effective, particularly with some couples where they keep trying to move out of the container and you keep them in the container until something pops, and out of that pop come something new. And sometimes that newness is a new discovery of love for each other. Now, Esther Perel does a similar thing, but she's more of a practical romantic. I see Schnarch and Susan Johnson as more practical moralistic, in that they seem to literally have moral disgust for other people who disagree with them. [chuckle] Keith Witt: I go, "Okay." [chuckle] Maybe that's what irritates me about them. Like Susan Johnson says, "If you do your work, you have to be slow and soft." Okay, well, that works for her with couples. But you know, as people might have noticed so far in our conversation, I'm not a particularly slow and soft guy, okay? So, my natural healing style, sure, I can get really gentle with people, and I actually was critiqued by Gestalt therapists in the '70s by being too nice to my clients. "You're too nice to your clients, Keith." "Oh, I'm sorry. Just because Fritz [Perls] is an asshole doesn't mean I have to be an asshole when I do therapy." [chuckle] Keith Witt: And so, sorry, Susan, slow and soft is not my natural style, okay? It's alright. Now, does that make me less effective than her with a couple? Probably with some couples, I don't know. Neil Sattin: Right, and it would probably make you less effective if you were implementing her system. Keith Witt: Yes, that's exactly right. And when you learn a system, it's good to implement it. Now, even though I love John and Julie, John and Julie, when they talk about implementing their systems, they use a lot of their research tools. They give people like questionnaires, they give them cards and stuff, and they have their structured things that they recommend people doing. I'm sorry, I don't like doing that stuff. [chuckle] Keith Witt: My clients don't like doing stuff like that, but even if my clients liked it, I don't like doing it. If you go to a risk management workshop, they give you a five-page thing your clients are supposed to sign about all the horrible things that they can report you for and that the therapy does and doesn't do. I'm sorry, I don't do a five-page thing. We all have our different styles. Now, that being said, I just love that guy, love him, and every time he gets a new thing out... I studied his last book from the beginning to end several times, and except for the math, just found it utterly fascinating. And I see him as a practical scientific guy. He is a true scientist. John Gottman will change an opinion on a dime if you give him persuasive data. And that's just not true for many people. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so, since you've brought up David Schnarch, and unfortunately, he hasn't been on my show yet, so we haven't had the benefit of being able to hear from him directly. I still... I reach out to him every so often and I'm hoping that one of these days he will. That being said, it's funny. I have my own bias when someone doesn't want to be on my show. [chuckle] I'm like, "Well, what's your problem?" What you just mentioned about your experience with him, that seems in some respects, to make sense given that he's staked his claim on differentiation, that that's where he's coming from, differentiation being that sense of holding on to you and your sense of who you are no matter what someone else is throwing at you. And so in preparation for this conversation, I really dove into his passionate marriage work, which is sort of the lay person's approach to crucible therapy, which is what he calls his work in the therapeutic realm. And I found myself really appreciating it, in fact, and it got me irritated because even... I was listening to this one recording of him and he said something that was dismissive of attachment theory and... Keith Witt: Yes. Neil Sattin: And I love what attachment theory brings to the conversation about relationships, both how you come to understand your own dysfunction in a relationship or how you come to understand the function of the dyad, what that does for you. And concepts of safety and how that enables you to differentiate. I love that, and it kind of bridges into Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson's developmental model too, which we can talk about in a little bit. But that all being said, when I heard him talking about the importance of knowing who you are, and at the same time being able to remove your distortions of who you are. And he talks about part of crucible being that your partner being there, that's a great way for you to learn where you actually aren't who you think you are, just as one example. Or you get to, through self-reflection, see some of the dysfunction in who you are, and actually work towards growth and improvement. But when he talks about differentiation, he talks about some things that I think are key. You talk about, not only holding on to who you are, but also your ability to self-soothe, so to take responsibility for yourself when you're triggered. How many times have we talked about that on the show? He talks about getting over your reactivity, so taking responsibility for not freaking out at your partner when they trigger you. Neil Sattin: Again, so important, and fits right in. And then, he talks about, and I love this concept, the idea... And this is a place where I feel like he's kind of unique, and you can correct me if I'm wrong here, Keith, 'cause you have a broader perspective, perhaps, than I do. But he talks about... He names his approach as a non-pathological approach. In other words, if things are going wrong, then nothing is wrong. It's like, that's what you would come to expect. And that part of what he holds as an ideal in a relationship is the ability to hold onto yourself, to self-soothe, to not get reactive with your partner, and to hold the container of a relationship when things get uncomfortable. And that does seem so important, being able to grow with your partner. If you're so focused on fixing things and one of you capitulating to the other, it's not that there's never a place for compromise, but it's like, I think, and so many couples rush to that, they overlook the actual growth potential that happens in truly experiencing themselves as separate individuals with different ideas about how to live and how to be in the world, or how to be with each other. Keith Witt: It's a wonderful approach. It's a wonderful understanding. I like it. And I use those concepts and those understandings, and have, ever since I learned the system. That the system has great efficacy, practically speaking. Now, that being said... So let's just expand. Okay, so it's great to say it's a non-pathological system. Okay, fine. And basically, effective therapists operate from that perspective. Here's two people, they want to change, they want to grow. That power of a human consciousness wanting to change and wanting to grow is so robust that there's a lot of details of self-regulation and moderation and holding on to yourself and understanding. But there's that basic core of power, of human consciousness wanting to grow. That's true, and psychopathology has existence. If somebody has a personality disorder, there's no couples approach that is going... In my experience, maybe I'm wrong, because I've been doing my own work. My lab is my practice. I've done 65,000 therapy sessions. And so, I take stuff into my lab, so to speak. So psychopathology has existence. Sometimes you need to go into that to help people grow. You have tell somebody, like, "You have a distorted view of the world," and need to have some individual work to deal with that, or, "You are so overwhelmed by your trauma history that you have to go resolve that trauma before you can experience sexuality and intimacy with your partner comfortably." Keith Witt: That needs to be normalized and there's a subtle bias. In integral, we would call that a pluralistic bias or a green bias, to treat everybody like they're the same. This is what causes David Deida to dismiss psychotherapy in general. Now, that's an interesting thing. I'm a psychotherapist, I teach psychotherapy, I write about psychotherapy, I've generated systems, I'm a founder of systems, I go to David Deida workshops. He generally puts down psychotherapy as being kind of a pluralistic, limp-wristed, egalitarian, second stage, you know, wimps, so to speak. And I still love the guy, okay? [chuckle] Keith Witt: Okay, so why is that? Probably part of it is because I see him as a kindred spirit, as a fellow warrior. But when you and I were talking about this earlier, but part of it is I probably have more projections with people like David Schnarch or Susan Johnson, like that moralistic... Maybe there's a part of me that has moral disgust that I don't like and I project onto them. I do that a little with Dan Siegel. I love Dan Siegel's work, I've studied his books, I've listened to his lectures endlessly, I've enjoyed his lectures. And every once in a while though on stage, he starts complaining about how somebody treated him badly or how somebody doesn't understand him or he had to push back, and I just find that icky. I go, "Dan, don't say stuff like that. That makes the rest of the cool stuff that you talk about. You know, you're a brilliant man, and you've changed everybody. Your book, The Developing Mind, was my foundation of neurobiology, interpersonal neurobiology." Keith Witt: Alan Schwartz is similar. He says everybody bow to evidence-based treatment. He's irritated with this American Psychological Association privileging the research of, particularly, cognitive behavioral therapy, I suspect because cognitive behavioral therapists and the labs around the country get a lot of money and other people don't. So there's a lot of personality that comes through and yet all these systems have wonderful things about them. So, Schnarch is more practical moralistic in that sense. Esther Perel is more practical romantic, she's practical. All the good therapists are practical. You're with a couple, we're going to help 'em move forward and understand them individually and as a couple, and we have a vision of good relating that's for effective therapists is similar. But she has basically a romantic approach. You have your own way of understanding yourself, and of love, and I support that as a therapist. And you have your understanding of what you want with this relationship and I support what you want. And your partner is similarly. And we deal with that and from an accepting standpoint and a practical standpoint, how can we move forward? Keith Witt: You feel enlivened by your secret affair that devastated your partner, I understand how you feel enlivened by that. I understand the draw of that. I understand your resentment at your partner for not being more cooperative and creating better love, the partner is outraged that you did this. Well, I understand your outrage. I understand your desire to love better. It's a very romantic approach, but it fits very well with all the scientific approaches, the moralistic approaches, with even David Deida's mythological approach. David Deida is basically a practical mythological approach. He draws from the wisdom, traditions of masculine and feminine. He used to teach the Shiva and Shakti scale, just brought it out of the Eastern traditions. And yeah, it's practical. This is how we can help you understand yourself, understand your partner, and understand how you enhance the polarity to have the intimacy and safety and love and the passion that you want. And if you get down to it in the psychotherapy session, if you watch any of us doing a session with people, you'd see very similar constructs that we're applying and you'd see very similar interventions. Neil Sattin: Yeah, it's so funny I was listening to the first season of Esther Perel's podcast that she put out with Audible. I think it's called Where Do We Begin? Or something like that. And one of the sessions I was like, this might as well be Harville Hendrix that I'm listening to, just in terms of how she was showing up for that couple and talking about safety and the way they were constructing their communication and it was like right out of his getting the love you want workshop practically. So that was fascinating for me and I think worth noting because if you're just a bystander and you're like, say, listening to the Relationship Alive podcast, you can be so persuaded by one person's viewpoint or the other. And in fact, I find myself, like you were mentioning earlier, Keith, persuaded over and over and over again. Keith Witt: Yes. Neil Sattin: Because everyone's system has so much merit to it, that you might lose sight of where they both offer you something important. Sue Johnson and David Schnarch, it's interesting that you've paired them together because, obviously, they're in some ways they would see themselves as being in opposition to each other. Keith Witt: Yes. Neil Sattin: And yet, how many times have I seen with clients how important creating safety is to them, taking a stand for who they are? And vice versa, if they're all about the safety and they never take a risk by being who they are, I've seen that be problematic too. So, it's like everyone is reacting to the... What's the word? The distorted, the extended version, like if you go way too far into differentiation, that's not going to be a relationship. If you go way too far into creating safety or your couple bubble, like Stan calls it, Stan Tatkin, then you might lose the edge or the eroticism, which is what Esther would hone in on. You've lost your sense of the other person as other, you're too safe. Neil Sattin: So, it's so interesting because even in just this past three sentences or so, you've heard me jump from one to the other to the other trying to show you, like, "Yeah, they all actually feed into each other." If you're really, really stuck, like a lot of people are, I think that's why Esther's TED Talk took off because so many people are stuck. I think she writes in "The State of Affairs" that sexless marriage is one of the top Google searches or something like that. Keith Witt: Yes. Neil Sattin: So, if you're in a sexless marriage, then when someone starts talking about how you feel too safe and you've come to not think of your partner as someone else. And so here are some ways to get you back to a more erotic, playful space with your partner, then you're going to listen and that's going to make sense to you. But it wouldn't make sense to you if you had no safety in your container and your partner was constantly texting other people and flirting with the waiters and waitresses at the restaurants, and if you were in a totally unsafe world, then that's not going to be a place where Esther's work might, or at least what you might initially think she's getting at. But again, this is just her TED Talk, you hear her in a session and she's talking about creating safety within a couple. Keith Witt: Exactly. That practically speaking, everybody comes from constructs that involve relational patterns, a developmental orientation, that people are influenced by unconscious influences and trauma programming. Everybody has a vision of happy relating for every couple they work with. No effective couples counselor doesn't do that. We all, if we have a couple, we immediately start having a vision of how they could be getting along better with each other. And all couples counselors are informed by the psychological and psychotherapeutic traditions, therapeutic relationship attunement, and that kind of stuff. Keith Witt: Now, when you look at it, for me, the breakdown between Schnarch dissing attachment theory and Susan Johnson saying, "I have the only couples therapy. We never had a theory before me." Okay? Well, look, if you say to a bunch of founders who have their own theories, "You never had a good theory of couples until me," everybody's going to get pissed off. So, Susan Johnson says that, I go, "Susan, you've got a good system, you got a good theory. You don't have to piss us all off by saying that. You can say, 'I got a couples thing that I prefer to yours.'" And so, John Gottman will go up in a workshop and say, "Well, we have our theory." You know he's speaking directly to that. Keith Witt: Now, that being said, Esther Perel and Schnarch make a point that a lot of other couples people miss, they go, "Look, sexuality is a big deal and it's been neglected by the field," and they're right about that. That was true. In the '70s, therapists wouldn't even ask their couples about sex, it just drove me crazy. I did a lot of sex therapy training in the '70s because I realized that to be effective with couples, I need to be really good at helping them have better sex, and integrated that into my work and have ever since. And David Deida's stuff has been priceless around that stuff. Keith Witt: And so, the field has grown to that. And to their credit, once again, John Gottman and Julie, they have their system of expanding the conversation about sexuality and the behaviors about sexuality because they've demonstrated from their research that it's not enough to just down-regulate conflict with a couple, you have to up-regulate good times. And as I make... The point that I make in my Loving Completely approach, a marriage is a friendship, a love affair and a capacity to heal injuries and ruptures. That love affair is a big deal. That first star, this erotic polarity between me and my partner, gets more space in my book than any of the other stars. Why? If that love affair isn't happening then there's a lot of problems that arise out of that, and that's that sexless marriage statistics that Esther mentions in her book. I wrote a book called "A Hundred Reasons to Not Have a Secret Affair", I couldn't find a publisher for it. And I read "State of Affairs" and I said, "Well, I like this a lot better than my book." [laughter] Keith Witt: And really I think that's a really good book about affairs and you can just feel that practical romantic orientation on her part. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and when you say romantic, let's just... Can you get more clear on what that means, just so we get you there? Keith Witt: Esther has... Now, this is just my reading of her, okay? And I've never talked to her. I hope I do some day. There's this sense for her about love. There's a mystery, a cross-cultural mystery about love, that there's love is, I want to be loved, I want to love and I want to do it in a way that works for me. And if it's not happening, I'm suffering and I want to make it happen. And if it's not happening and I'm suffering, I need to take that suffering into the world and into my own development, into my relationship and make love happen. And there's a certain mysterious quality about it. And yes, there's things that interfere with it like lies and abuse and all that other stuff. And to a certain extent, because she works an awful lot with infidelity and that kind of stuff, you can see our practices shape our theoretical understanding. There's that sense of, if we open that up, then love will happen. Now hopefully, it happens with us as a couple, but if it doesn't, okay. It didn't happen. Love, the relationship just because it ends wasn't unsuccessful, we lose each other, we move on and we find love some place else. Keith Witt: Okay, to me, this is very romantic. This is a subjective love-based, romance-based orientation towards eroticism and sexuality. And it's very effective because that's how in terms of the neurobiology of bonding, yes, we go from our various arousal systems, into attraction, into distracting attraction, into romantic infatuation, into intimate bonding, into life stages. Now, what I think Esther misses, because she doesn't seem to be as interested in the science, is that it's an apples and oranges comparison that early attraction, distracting attraction, romantic infatuation, sexual drives, with the sexual drives that exist in intimate bonding, okay. Keith Witt: In intimate bonding, I have discovered or it's been my experience, to go into those romantic infatuation circuits, it's very, very intricate and detailed and it's not nearly as easy as finding a new person that you don't know. And so you can't compare, "Well, it's very hard to develop romance and passion with my husband, but really easy with my lover." Well, of course it is. We're wired to have that be the case. That's not the point. The point is that... And now we're getting into an integral understanding of evolution of consciousness. As we expand our consciousness, as we get more world-centric and more compassionate and less bullshit, our relationships are more demanding. And so it's very, very difficult. I haven't found relationships where people have the depth of connection that they want, knowing each other and accepting each other and loving each other deeply, that they have that and that that container, which is powerful but fragile, can tolerate one of them going out and falling in love with another person. And also, that container suffers if they don't do what they need to do to take care of their love affair. They have a love affair that they believe in that they're sustaining with each other. Keith Witt: So, why is that fragile? Well, because it requires an awful lot of attention and knowledge and understanding and self-regulation. Why is it great? Because there's deeper intimacy available in that container than in previous containers over the last 10,000 years and it's more demanding. If you have a very, very primitive... Say you have a relationship that's pure conformist. We're getting married, we're going to have kids, we're going to do what the Bible says or the Koran says. In those cultures, women stop having sex with their partner when they stop being of childbirth age, in general. Fascinating study. They just go at that point, they go, "Well, I'm not going to do it anymore." A lot, not always, but a fair amount. Why is that? Because there isn't a developmental layer of intimacy that they and their husband are working for, because they're in a system where he's in charge. She has to do what he says. I say "yes" to sex, until I can't have kids anymore and then I can say "no" if I want. Keith Witt: And if we don't have a certain level of intimacy and a commitment to depth, why would we be interested? He would be going after youth and beauty and maybe I'll have an affair or maybe I won't. It just depends. If you're going in, but if you both have the sense of equal depth, if you both are post formal operational, if you both want to sustain your friendship and your love affair and expand it and expand each other, well, then that requires a different kind of inner subjectivity. So these are very complicated forces that are operating on all of us. Now, they're explicit in integral psychotherapy because we always look at lines and levels, and probably, you're going to tell me about Ellyn Bader, probably in their developmental model, because developmental models notice that people's worldviews change, and that relationships, demands of relationship, change as we go into different developmental levels. Keith Witt: The other ones, the effective ones, unconsciously adjust for different people's worldviews, but sometimes don't consciously do it, because it's not visible to them, consciously, but unconsciously, in the session, they get a feel for it and they attune to it. Just like if you're an effective therapist... Stan Tatkin has practically nothing about sexuality in his system, but I'll bet if people come in to his system suffering from not being sexual, he climbs in, understands their experience from the inside, finds out where they're turning each other and on and off, and helps them find the kind of safety that they need to move into eroticism. Keith Witt: And eroticism's very central, because it's like the canary in the coal mine. Everything else has to be going pretty well for you to be good lovers with your partner. It's very rare, as a couples counselor, for people to come in saying, "Yeah, we're both fulfilled, sexually. We enjoy sex, we have sex regularly, and we want a divorce." That actually happens once in a great while, but that's like one in 100. Usually, when people come in and say, "Sex is great," there's a solidity to their relationship, and they're coming in to talk about other kinds of issues; money issues, sometimes... Often child issues and parental issues, sometimes physical issues, that kind of stuff. Neil Sattin: Okay, so... Yeah, there are several different directions that I feel myself being pulled, and... Keith Witt: Great. Neil Sattin: I think where I'm going to go right now is on this practical level, because I want this to all be practical, and we're talking about all these systems as practical systems. I think I heard Schnarch say that... And I don't think this is an actual statistic, I think he was just making a point, which was, in a good relationship, sex makes up about 10% of what you think about and care about, but if the sex is bad... No, if the sex is good, then it's about 10% what you think about and care about. If the sex is bad, it's 90%, or non-existent. And so, I'm thinking about that in light of what you just said and wondering, okay, for people listening who are in this place where they're like, "Okay, well, I'm not connecting with my partner erotically. Should I be going to a sex therapist? Should I be going to an EFT therapist to work on my safety? Should I be... " I could feel... I can feel confusion there, around, what do you do, practically? 'Cause so many people might see like, "Oh, you're not having sex? Well, then, let's talk about sex." Others might say, "You're not having sex? Well, that's a symptom of so many other things going on in your relationship, so let's talk about the other things, and we'll talk about sex later." Keith Witt: Well, first of all, go to a good couples therapist who understands eroticism. It doesn't matter what system they're operating in, if they're a good therapist, a good couples therapist, experienced and know how to attune, and have the things that I mentioned, those qualities, and understand eroticism. One of the reasons that Schnarch says that is that, in general, human consciousness goes where the pain is. We have a half-dozen sex drives, we don't just have one, we have lots of them. And so, if one of those sex drives is activated in a negative way, say jealousy, that's a lot of pain. Say frustration... Frustrated... This happens a lot with guys after the first baby is born. A baby is born. Okay, their wife kinda gets over the birth, and he finds her utterly adorable and desirable. Yeah, this is adorable and she's in love with his kid, she's full of love, "We're sharing this thing," and he wants to have sex. She's in love with the kid, she's got follicle-stimulating hormone up the wazoo, her desire is down, biochemically. If she doesn't have a commitment to re-establishing their love affair, then he's in pain. Keith Witt: And so, what does he do? He makes jokes about it, and there's all these bazillion jokes about men wanting more sex, mothers with small children, and guys... Women don't want to have sex. And these are hostile jokes and these separate people. And, in general, three years after the birth of the first baby, according to the Gottmans' research, 70% of couples are doing worse. But what if you teach them about affection and eroticism and sensuality and say, "You need to sustain this after the birth of the first child. You need to both be onboard with it." Well, if you teach them that, then three years later, 70% of them are saying, "Yeah, we're actually better as lovers." Now, you need... In my experience, that's useful information for me to have, as a couples therapist. Keith Witt: And it's useful for me to know the parameters of that. Just like it's useful for me to know about psychopathology. You know, if somebody has some kind of trauma thing or a personality disorder or some kind of debilitating or God knows, you know, bipolar. That kind of stuff. That has to be addressed. That really has existence. You go to a therapist that has a general understanding, and is good with sexuality in general. I don't know if I'd want to go to any couples therapist who didn't understand the principles of sexuality, and the sex drives, and the stages of sexual bonding, whether I was working on sex or not. It's such a central part of the life stages of a relationship, you know. You don't just have one marriage, you have many marriages. And there's different demands at each developmental level of marriage. And you want to be true to those demands and help each other with them, and good couples therapists all do that. Whether they do it consciously or unconsciously doesn't really matter, you know. They do it. Because, they're inside the universe of these couples helping them grow. And they discover these blocks, and they have their own orientation to help people through them, and help people into deep inter-subjective, into love with each other. Keith Witt: And so, that's... All good couples therapists can attune. They all interrupt people all the time. 'Cause you gotta interrupt toxic patterns, and they all have some sense of what a positive pattern is. You know, all couples therapists suspend their ego in service of their clients. If you have too much ego in the session, you lose your capacity to help people. All good couples therapists are willing to share their clients' pain. All good couples therapists tell vivid enough stories, have vivid enough metaphors that they register, they land with people. They're bringing their best selves into the work, so that's... If you took anybody from any system and saw them work, and they were effective, you'd see that in my opinion and so, that's their natural healing style. And, you know, you keep expanding that and after a while... And what breaks my heart about this is since people resist change, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of natural healing styles in existence being embodied by great practitioners, that we'll never find out about. Because, you know, there's a resistance in the field to new systems. And these people don't have as much... I don't advocate much for any of my systems. Keith Witt: As a founder, I haven't like pushed to make one of my systems famous. Okay, well, that means a lot of people haven't encountered a bunch of my systems. Okay. Well, that's kind of a weakness in my approach as the founder, really. Because if I want to make an impact, I should go out and beat drums about my systems and I don't. I go, "Well, yeah, I like my systems but the other ones are great too. Use the one that... Study the ones that turn you on. Turn that and have that enhanced and expand your natural healing style." What lights me up is people doing that. And if they want to use my system, if they like it, of course, I get a little ego rush from that, sure. That's great. [chuckle] Everybody likes to be told they're great, you know. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: You're great, Keith. [laughter] Keith Witt: Yeah, there you go. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and... Keith Witt: Well, I'm actually a little embarrassed, but you know, I often do if my clients compliment me extravagantly, I'll get embarrassed. Partly because of the transference stuff, you know. Okay, so people go through stages, and partly because, I'm uncomfortable with my ego. I don't want it to show up in my session. Anyway. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah. And I'm thinking of something you said earlier about systems that maybe do or don't actually handle mental health all that well. That there's, you know, a lot of these systems work well in the context of someone isn't suffering with major depression, or borderline personality disorder and that made me think of certain modalities that are helpful with that. Like in particular, what came to mind was Internal Family Systems, Dick Schwartz's system, and... Keith Witt: I love that. Neil Sattin: And there's been an evolution of that intimacy from the inside out which is basically applying Internal Family Systems to couples therapy. Keith Witt: Yes. Neil Sattin: And that Toni Herbine-Blank, she's been here on the show to talk about that. This is something that I feel particularly connected to, is this question of how we, in a relationship, actually show up for each other to help heal. 'Cause I don't think that there are many people in our world that have escaped some form of trauma or another. I think we all have like places where we're wounded or where we don't want to go. We're talking about all of these systems in many ways from the perspective of going and seeking help, which I definitely encourage you to do. It's a good idea to go and, as Keith was talking about a little while ago, to have that outside perspective until you're really good at getting outside perspective on your own. Neil Sattin: But that being said, I like those modalities because the more conscious I think you get of how you heal from trauma, so I'm thinking of, yes, Internal Family Systems, somatic experiencing, the things that really enable you to identify what's happening within you, both your body awareness and how you attune to your body, but also what Dick talks about in Internal Family Systems, literally identifying the different personalities in you who are competing and at war, he calls them parts. Keith Witt: Yes. Neil Sattin: And then you can bring those dialogues into your conversations with your partner. Then I think there is a lot of potential through that, through co-regulation to actually heal with each other. But I don't know about any studies that show that that's going to be curative if your partner has depression, for instance, but I do have a pretty strong belief that that's going to help you show up in that relationship in a way where you're still feeling connected and you're in integrity. Keith Witt: There are studies that show that it is curative to expand into your intimate relationship, your family relationships, and your social relationships to be curative with depression, just like there are many studies, overwhelmingly, that show that exercise is a better anti-depressant than any drug. So, that's all true. And your central point, I think, is huge, and that central point is when a couple has mobilized to, one, have compassionate self-observation of both their healthy and unhealthy sides. In my Shadow Light book, I talk about growing your shadow, and that our unconsciousness is constantly giving us constructive and destructive messages, and that we have resistances, defenses against being aware of them, and to the extent that we do that, we have problems with ourselves and in relationships with other people. Because, let's face it, the more intimate you are with yourself, which is having compassionate awareness and acceptance of yourself and self-regulation, the more able you are to be intimate with other people. So, that's just how it works, ask any therapist, any couples therapist. Keith Witt: And Dick Schwartz's approach is wonderful in that, one, he develops... You'll notice there's always a compassionate witness observing these inner parts, okay? Just like meditation increases the capacity of the compassionate self-observation, the witness, as we say in the wisdom traditions, so do these systems that look at these inner parts. Because if I'm looking at inner parts, who's looking? The compassionate witness is looking, and awareness regulates. So, as I'm looking at these parts and I'm identifying the constructive and destructive ones, already I am unconsciously up-regulating the constructive ones, down-regulating the destructive ones. Okay, that's a great language, and it's nonjudgmental, but it's very, very powerful. Now, say you do that with your partner. Instead of taking offense when your partner says something nasty, you go, "Wow, that was that nasty sub-personality." And you go, "Whoa, that was kind of nasty." And they go, "Ooh, that was my nasty self, I'm sorry." Now, at that point, the nasty self isn't in charge. The compassionate witness is in charge regulating the nasty self and now bonding with that partner, and they are collaborating to help shape each other to be their best selves. Keith Witt: When you get to that point with a couple that are doing that with their friendship, their love affair, and their capacity to repair injuries, that's a self-sustaining system that creates the great relationships. And you see the great relationships, you see that, it's called the Michelangelo Effect, it's been studied, and people, they end up talking more like each other, and looking more like each other. But even more, they get up... Long-term couples will tend to get happier with each other because they're receiving influence to be better. And it takes a lot of courage and a lot of openness to receive influence, and a lot of self-regulatory capacity, and that always runs from some kind of compassionate witness, and all the systems encourage that. They all have their different names for it, but if you don't have that, then you're kind of left with raw behaviorism. And if you do have that, which most of us do, or formal operational or post-formal operational. Keith Witt: Having that compassionate witness be more robust gives us more options, response flexibility and interpersonal neurobiology, they would say. And response flexibility isn't random. I want to choose the healthy responses, which support love and support health and I want to say no to the unhealthy ones. But I have to be aware of them, I have to be able to regulate them. That's where Allan Schore comes with regulation theory, that's where Harville Hendrix. His systems basically force people to self-regulate because they can't go into their fight patterns 'cause he's given them different patterns to do. Keith Witt: And so, probably the power of this system is as much by not allowing people to do their hostile patterns as it is giving them new patterns, and I think that's true for Dick Schwartz too in Internal Family Systems, and it's especially useful in trauma because we get overwhelmed with trauma. So, anything that causes us to observe trauma without being overwhelmed, whether it's somatic re-experiencing, EMDR, Internal Family Systems, all those things are drawing from the same well in terms of helping us be aware and regulate and then attach and then connect, love other people and be loved by other people. These are the things that the affective systems have in common. Like, practical mythological, somebody might do better if they see themselves at a particular stage of the Hero's Journey. Great, I love the Hero's Journey, I'm all over that, I've been studying it all my life and practising it. Keith Witt: Somebody might do great in seeing, "Well, I have this destructive... An Internal Family Systems thing. One of my firemen is just driving me crazy by giving me all these impulses to regulate myself in unhealthy ways." You go, "Oh, yeah." But he wants that fireman and he wants to feel better and what's a healthy way to feel better? Oh, now, I'm going to these other selves. Okay, these deeper ones. Oh, and here's this injured self that just really never felt good and still doesn't. Oh, well, we need to love that self until it begins to feel like a legitimate person who's in pain. When that begins to happen, say a childhood injury, most people hate that little kid who was abused, if you had early abuse. Once you start loving that kid who was abused, feeling the pain but loving him, saying, "Hey, look, it wasn't your fault they molested you or beat you up," things change, there's more freedom of motion and you can love better. Neil Sattin: Right. And this goes straight to the strengths of a system like EFT, and that's based around attachment and why it's so important to recognize the bonding, the safety, the ways that you are trying to regulate your safety in relationship. And if you're not conscious of that, how the ways you do it are probably going to be jeopardizing, ultimately, the safety of your relationship, even though, ironically, you're trying to keep yourself safe in those moments. Keith Witt: Yes, and now here's the paradox of the whole attachment stuff. The attachment theory just kind of blew the lid off of the developmental orientation. People have been resisting psychoanalytics... The cognitive behaviorists, the cognitive therapists have been resisting for decades the psychoanalysts' assertion that infancy and early childhood really matter. Well, attachment theory showed that it really does, that we do get set up for secure and insecure attachment, and that there's elements of that that go all the way to the adult attachment industry that the researchers in Berkeley, I forget their name... Mary Main came up with. Yes. Keith Witt: Now, there's a little switch here because that attachment has to do with mother/infant attachment. Okay, now, we go on to couples and then we gotta add that sexual component. Adding that sexual component to secure attachment is tricky. I really don't want to be having to be secure with my wife exactly the way I was secure with my mom. I want to have elements of that, but there's not a lot of eroticism there, or hopefully there isn't, and if there is, there's more problems, that would be more complicated. And so now we have to add that erotic component. Now that erotic component has a lot of other elements in it. It has adventure, it has transgression, it has change, it has whoever we discovered we are from a gender standpoint or whoever we discover we are in terms of our own kinks, whatever our culture told us about our sexuality, whether it's good or it's bad. Keith Witt: People discover their sexuality, and if they're lucky, the culture says, "Oh, that's fine sexuality." Say you discover you're a heterosexual g

If you've ever wondered "why are relationships difficult?" you'll want to catch this episode with Dr. Stan Tatkin. We start with an exploration of how our species’ survival relies on an inborn negativity bias and how this same mechanism makes relationships difficult and more challenging to sustain under stress. Everyone’s experienced some form of relational loss and developmental trauma. And so, with this in mind, we’re also discussing how early development shapes each of us and our ability to self-regulate and foster safe, secure, adult romantic relationships. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy. He is also the author of several books on aspects of love and relationships, with his most recent one being We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. Through his clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, workshops, couples’ retreats, and the PACT Institute, Stan and his wife, Tracey, train psychotherapists to use the PACT method in their clinical practices.   In this episode, Stan and I discuss: What the Psychobiological Approach is. The inability of people to act and react quickly and properly before they launch into a “fight or flight” response---or a collapse For the purpose of helping us understand, Dr. Tatkin simplifies how our neurobiology works down to the two areas of the brain: the ambassadors and the primitives For optimum arousal, we need all systems online at the same time, which takes alertness and relaxation Why we aren’t all set up for adult love relationships How we learn to self-regulate to prepare for adult relationships Why so many people don’t know how to get to a safe, secure place Stan’s “foxhole” illustration: are couples at war with each other in the foxhole or protecting one another How a dangerous environment makes people put aside their differences and work together How people manage relationships by learning to work together How a couple has to live by agreements that are good for both, like, “We protect each other in public and private” How memory perception and communication can get us into trouble The difference between co-dependency and interdependency How our trauma approach can lead to PTSD----and hugs, massage, and acupuncture can help much more than talking How people can ease into eye contact with each other The importance of play, which comes from feeling safe and secure Why people might have trouble with play “The window of tolerance” and what it means for couples Things that can compromise and narrow the window of tolerance How we miss much of the language used when we communicate in ways that don’t include eye contact, like phone calls, texting, and email Why experiencing trauma in life means a lot of re-regulating will need to take place Why most everything we suffer from is interpersonal Resources: www.thepactinstitute.com  Find out more about Stan’s practice, resources, books, retreats, and workshops We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love   Thank you to our sponsor, TherapyNotes. Get two free months of TherapyNotes and a free data import after signing up for a free trial by going to www.therapynotes.com and using promo code: connectfulness   Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat experiences in NY at connectfulness.com Join our Connectfulness® Community connectfulness.com/community Follow us @connectfulness on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Root in with Rebecca’s Connectfulness® Collective for therapists in private practice at: connectfulness.com/collective

We’re all talking about attachment style now, and how it relates to the way that we show up in relationship. It can be enlightening to learn about your attachment style, and to see how it plays out in your relationship. And...to see your partner’s attachment style - it can explain A LOT about how the two of you interact. But how do you avoid being victimized by your attachment style? Is there a way to get beyond the unhealthy ways that we related to each other and break the cycle? And, if you’re a securely attached person, how do you avoid being pulled into the potential challenges when your partner has an insecure attachment style? Of course you could write a book about this issue, but we’re going to cover some of the finer points on today’s episode. Also, announcing that tickets are on sale for Relationship Alive...LIVE! featuring Terry Real. We'll have a musical guest (Katie Matzell trio), and you'll also have the chance to ask YOUR questions. The show will be on June 6, 2019 at One Longfellow Square in Portland, Maine. Limited seats available. Click here to buy your tickets now! As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Want to experience a Luxury Suite or VIP Box at an amazing concert or sporting event? Check out Suitehop.com/DATENIGHT to score sweet deals on a special night for you and your partner. Resources: Click here to get tickets to Relationship Alive...LIVE on June 6, 2019 featuring Terry Real and musical guest Katie Matzell I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text “SUPPORT” to 33444) Amazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters

This month we’re exploring romances beyond the heteronormative and we’re applying Stan Tatkin’s "Wired for Dating" to their relationship woes. We’re kicking it off with Ari and Hector from the new graphic novel from First Second Books, "Bloom" by Kevin Panetta and Savanna Ganucheau.  Brad & Lisa look into the budding romance of Ari & Hector and ask the big questions, "Do relationships require hard work?" "Do we have to love ourselves before someone can love us?" "Is being happy enough of a 5-year plan?" With the help of Dr. Tatkin, we observe Ari stumble his way into a "secure-and-functioning" relationship. As always, don't forget to follow the podcast on Instagram and Twitter @CBCCPodcast. If you're feeling a little extra stalker-y track down the whereabouts of our hosts @MouthDork and @sidewalksiren.

Dr. Stan Tatkin is author of the new book We Do, he returns to talk with Jonathan about relationships, couples therapy, what goes into forming a functional relationship, the physical effects of a bad relationship, determining happiness, stress, and more. Find Dr. Tatkin’s work at https://stantatkin.com. He’s on Twitter https://twitter.com/DrStanTatkin and Instagram https://www.instagram.com/stantatkin. Find Dr. Stan Tatkin on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drstantatkin For more music from Quiñ head to TheQuinCat.com. Jonathan is on Instagram @JVN. Also Twitter and Facebook. Catch Jonathan on Queer Eye streaming now on Netflix. This episode is sponsored by ADT (www.adt.com/podcast), Casper Mattresses (www.casper.com/CURIOUS code: CURIOUS), Grove Collaborative (www.grove.co/JVN), and thredUP (www.thredup.com/JVN).

We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring LoveStan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and author who integrates neuroscience, attachment theory, and current therapies. He is the developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT), and he and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, created the PACT Institute to train other psychotherapists in this methodology. Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente in Woodland Hills, CA, is assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, and directs training programs throughout North America and globally. He is the author of Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, and Your Brain on Love: TheNeurobiology of Healthy Relationships.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, joins the show today to talk about creating a long-lasting and secure relationship. He discusses his latest book, We Do, his work at the PACT Institute, and how we can encourage people to take time to have the important discussions before jumping in headfirst to a commitment or marriage. He also discusses the smart way to vet out a potential relationship, monogamy as a choice, the Commandments of a secure functioning relationship and advice for couples dealing with betrayal.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:10] Stan Tatkin’s book, We Do is a pre-commitment manual, meant to help people understand the nuts and bolts about intimacy, agreements, and having a purpose and vision for being together. [5:10] Monogamy is a choice, not something provided by nature. While it is nature’s plan to mix up the gene pool about every 4 years, honest and true intimacy is something very possible with the right tools. [6:04] Love that stems from secure functioning is interdependent on the parties surviving and thriving together. It is a mutual agreement to protect each other, agree on being in it together, and a commitment to practice radical loyalty. [8:07] In the early stages of a relationship we may get hooked in by love or even lust, but an attitude and spirit of collaboration and cooperation keeps us together. [10:17] While most premarital counseling focuses on our goals surrounding finance and children, Dr. Tatkin feels it should be more about vision and expectations, to find out if we are really on the same page. [12:19] Yes, it matters if your friends like your significant others. We can use our social networks to vet out our potential partners, and see how well we fit in the community together. When red flags are popping up from our family and friends on our partner, that is something to be taken seriously. [14:48] Women also bond and release oxytocin in not just sex, but eye contact and kissing. [15:48] Dr. Tatkin is interested in keeping partners together because our primary attachment bond has the ability to be the lighting rod to give hope and influence others in society. [17:48] Although the human relationship is complex, we need it to survive. As primates, we are driven by attachment, community, interaction and relationships. Humans need each other to amplify our emotional states. [23:09] Dr. Tatkin shares some of his Commandments for Enduring and Connected Love: We consult with each other first, and are aware that we are the rulers of our ecosystem. Our relationship comes first. We tell each other everything. We take threats off the table. We have each other’s backs, and know exactly how to protect each other’s vulnerabilities. [28:08] Secure functioning doesn’t necessarily mean monogamy, it just means we agree and are up front about the big ticket items. [30:24] Being able to depend on and trust our partners is the most important factor of long lasting and secure functioning relationships. [32:29] Couples dealing with betrayal almost always need a mediator to help. It is never acceptable for someone that has betrayed you to rush your healing, or blame you for any part of their behavior. [35:26] By nature humans are self serving, but when we seek to help not only ourselves but our partner, we can begin long lasting love. [37:02] To stay healthy and happy we must have at least one secure functioning relationship.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Stan Tatkin We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love The Pact Institute Harvard Study   QUOTES: “People can save themselves a lot of pain if they just learn the nuts and bolts of being in an intimate relationship.” “People tend to think this is about me, or about you, but this really is about the human condition.” “More people are invested in finding the right person, than looking at the right relationship.” “There’s nothing harder than another person. But we need them.” “It’s about trust and reliability.”

Clinician and teacher, Stan Tatkin, explains what scientific research is telling us about pair bonding, adult attachment, and how to avoid triggering unwanted reactions.   SHOWNOTES:   Who Is Stan Tatkin? [1:00] Info On Stan’s New Book ‘We Do’ [4:00] Going From Me To We Is Not About Codependency [6:00] What is PACT & Psychobiology? [10:00] Questions You Need To Ask Yourself If You Had a “Great” Childhood [19:00] Allostatic Load And The Intersection Between Health and Security [24:00] How To Start Hard A Conversation [34:00] A Psychobiological Look At Emotions & Hormones [41:00] Listener Question: How Responsible Are We For Our Partner’s Feelings? [49:00] Listener Question: How Does Stan Address Sexual Desire Discrepancies? [55:00]   To RSVP for the free lunchtime webinar with Stan Tatkin and Jayson Gaddis visit https://relationshipschool.net/wedo/   Check out the webpage for this Smart Couple Podcast episode with Stan Tatkin at https://relationshipschool.net/podcast220  

What’s the best way to overcome conflict in your relationship? How does it change based on your attachment style? And can you use what we know about our biology, and our memory, to keep a relationship from getting past the point of no return? In today’s episode, we’re blessed with a return visit from Stan Tatkin. Along with training couples therapists and conducting workshops for couples all over the world, Stan is the author of Wired for Love, Wired for Dating, and the recent audio program from SoundsTrue - RelationshipRx: Insights and Practices to Overcome Chronic Fighting and Return to Love. Stan’s work blends Attachment Theory with Interpersonal Neurobiology, helping couples leverage science to succeed in long term relationships. It’s always a treat to have him here on the show, and our conversation today will give you fresh insights into how to fight, how to repair, and how to transform conflict into something that helps you and your partner grow closer together. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Also, see below for links to our other episodes with Stan Tatkin. Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are - thank you!), this week's episode has two amazing sponsors. Each has put together a special offer for you as a Relationship Alive listener. Please visit them to take advantage of their offer and show appreciation for their support of the Relationship Alive podcast! First are the folks at TakeCareOf.com. Through a unique online quiz, they help you figure out exactly what vitamins and herbal supplements you need to achieve your optimal health. They use high-quality ingredients, and can save you as much as 20% over comparable store-bought brands. On top of all that, they are offering you 25% OFF your first month if you visit takecareof.com and use the coupon code “ALIVE” at checkout. This week is also being sponsored by Hungryroot.com. Hungryroot.com is a service that sends healthy, delicious, plant-based and gluten-free foods to you, each week. They're easy to prepare (either ready-to-eat or ready in less than 10 MINUTES). And - special shoutout to their cookie dough - which you can eat raw (or bake for a healthy dessert). This is by far the best prepared food delivery service that we've experienced. And you can get $25 off your first TWO orders if you use the coupon code "ALIVE" at checkout - at Hungryroot.com. Resources: Check out Stan Tatkin's website Listen to Stan Tatkin’s new release, RelationshipRx, offered through SoundsTrue. Read Stan Tatkin’s books FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict... Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) www.neilsattin.com/wired3 Visit to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Stan Tatkin. Here are links to our other episodes with Stan Tatkin (prior to this one): Episode 19: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship Episode 50: Wired for Dating and Love - Psychobiology Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin, and we are coming to you in full Technicolor today, which is a first for Relationship Alive, not a first for our illustrious and lovely guest, Stan Tatkin, who's back on the show. He was here in episode 19 way back when we started, talking about a recipe for a secure and healthy relationship. He was also here talking about his book Wired For Dating and Love and talking about psychobiology, which we'll address a little bit in today's episode, back in episode 50. And you can listen to either of those episodes by visiting neilsattin.com/wired or neilsattin.com/wired2. We'll make this one neilsattin.com/wired3, so you can download. We'll have a transcript for this episode and any related links that we talk about over the course of our conversation. Neil Sattin: So we're here to talk about a couple of things like when we dive in to the work as a couple and that work involves how you maintain your connection, how you maintain your safety, while at the same time keeping things exciting, but not too exciting because you're collapsing into fights and distress. It's a balancing act and it requires a level of skill that we are just now really coming to grips with, like what skills are required when it comes to relational excellence in long term relationships. And Stan is one of today's leading experts in how to navigate that well. And one thing that I loved, Stan, in listening to your recent recording that you did for Sounds True called Relationship Rx, which is all about overcoming chronic fights in a relationship, I love that you were right upfront by saying, "Hey, if you're in a real relationship, you're gonna be dealing with this. I deal with this." I deal with this with my wife, with my children. And so there's not this halo that somehow because we're relationship experts that we're not affected by things like getting triggered and getting knocked off balance and having to come back and repair. I'm excited to have you here to get real about this art of how we stay safe and secure and there are also a few specific questions that I have for you along the way that have come in from listeners to the Relationship Alive podcast. Stan Tatkin: Sure. Neil Sattin: It's a pleasure to have you back, so thanks for joining me today. Stan Tatkin: Thank you, Neil. It's good to be back. Neil Sattin: Awesome. Awesome. I would like to just... Let's just have a nutshell summary of psychobiology. What do you mean by that since your approach is a psychobiological approach to couple's therapy, which is the PACT that we see behind you here for those of you who are watching. Stan Tatkin: Well, think of it as study of the brain and the body. We could say it's psycho-neurobiology or neurobiology, but psychobiology is basically taking a developmental approach to the human primate lifespan and in particular pair bonding with and between humans. This is basically a capacity model, meaning we're looking at social-emotional development from even in utero. But postnatally, we're looking at the networking of these structures and the function of these structures that allow us to be effective human beings with each other, particularly when it comes to attraction and when it comes to distress. Those are the two areas that encompasses the burden placed on people who are and are not socially-emotionally intelligent. Neil Sattin: Right, so this question of how we as organisms, like what generates attraction in us on a physiological level as well as a psychological level and then also how do we manage the problem states that come up. Stan Tatkin: Yes. Neil Sattin: On a physiological and psychological level. Stan Tatkin: Yes. And a lot of what we see between human beings is psychological to be sure, but not in the traditional sense. A lot of what happens between people is involving automatic systems that are recognition based and not thought based. They're recognition based because we're fundamentally memory. That's how we operate. Everything we do is based on memory. There is, on balance, very little that we do that requires the kind of cognition, predicting, rotating objects in three dimensions in our head, planning. All of these things contingent kinds of processing. We don't do that at any given time during the day, very much compared to how much we are automated and how much we are using these very lightning-fast recognition systems. And so we're talking here about the human condition, not about individuals, per se. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I loved in Relationship Rx where you talked about how when we first meet someone, we experience them, it's this amazing novel, new thing, a new person in our lives. But that very quickly, you use the phrase, "we automate them", we push them back into the rote memory that allows us to just function automatically with that person. Stan Tatkin: Yes, nature has built in energy conserving functions in our brain and in our body. If we didn't have these, we wouldn't survive, we wouldn't be here. So we can only perceive so much, hear so much, feel, taste, smell so much. We only have so many neurons for those things. And because there's so much sensory motor information that we have to process at every moment, the brain has to gate or limit that information. And especially limit the amount of information that floats up to consciousness or awareness. So most of the time we are doing things on a level where we're not being told, we don't get permission or give permission to some of the things that we do by these primitive areas that are recognition memory based that allow us to go through the day and do the many, many things that we do and still conserve energy. So, this is not a bug, it's a feature. But in relationships it can also be a bug. Neil Sattin: Yeah, right, exactly. Because then you could be stuck in painful memories of what's happened either in your relationship or the things that happened long ago that your relationship evokes, right? Stan Tatkin: Well, yes. In the love relationship in particular, a relationship I think of as the hardest one on the planet. The reason it's so difficult is that it is a dependency relationship that replicates the earliest ones we had before the age of 12. And it has a very long memory. Whereas at work, with friends, it's there but it's not animated in the same way as it is when we start to depend on somebody and they become permanent in our head, or at least we think they are. And that's when we start to remember what it's like to depend on somebody. The good things and the not so good things. So, this again, is how we roll. This is the nature of the beast, which is us. And it's normal. But the more history that's there that makes us anxious and fearful of what will happen, the more our behavior is altered in a way that causes relationship troubles. Neil Sattin: So, what you mean is the more history you have the more pain you've experienced. Stan Tatkin: The more history that's not resolved or corrected by other intimate relationships. So, we're hurt by people, we're healed by people. The kinds of things that we remember in relationship has to do with interaction. It has do with memory of how we felt and our perception at the time. Not to mention our ability to think at the time, developmentally. We're not... For instance, there's a misnomer that we marry our mothers or our fathers. That's not true. We marry those people who we recognize as familiar, both in ourselves and in the people that we've been around. But what triggers us is the experience of being on the other end of those interactions. So, I feel as I did when I was with my father and he yelled at me. I feel as I did when I was with my mother and she was late to pick me up at school, again and again. Stan Tatkin: So, these injuries are what we anticipate the next time we depend on somebody. This is simply a memory issue. It can go away, also, but that's another discussion. It goes away in the relationship through reparative actions. Both partners have to really understand this. Again, nature doesn't build this into our DNA as something we are aware of and we do well because nature does not have a plan for long term relationships. Nature has a plan for mixing up the gene pool. That's it. The rest of it is on our shoulders. So, we have to now understand how the brain works, how the human being works, what not just causes problems in love relationships, but many of those problems are gonna be with all relationships if we don't really understand what we're dealing with. Neil Sattin: Let's tackle that for a moment. And I don't want this to take over our entire conversation as it easily could. But, here we are in modern culture. There's a vibrant dialogue happening about whether or not we are designed to be monogamous. And we had Helen Fisher on the show talking about how in a lot of societies...In a lot of societies that more like serial monogamy is kind of built into the structure of their societies and that, in a way, that's more natural. And yet here we are talking about successful long-term relationships and acknowledging that in some respects, we're battling nature, we're battling biology in order to do that. And of course, doing that, when I think about clients I've worked with, and I'm sure you have this all the time, that there's this element of, "Well, why not? Okay, you're having a really hard time, go your separate ways, find new people, do it all over again. Why not do that?" So where do you come down, 'cause I think you, like I do, do come down on the side of, "No, there's a lot to be gained in figuring this out and supporting each other as you grow and blossom in your life and doing that with one long-term partner." And I'm curious to know, do you believe that? Or is it in flux for you? Or what are your thoughts around that? Stan Tatkin: Well, there are very... Very few animals on the planet are actually monogamous. The ones that are is what we study like the prairie vole. Prairie voles. The dik-dik. The smallest antelopes in Africa. One dies, the other dies. They work together. They are devoted to each other because their lives depend on it. And there are certain voles, by the way, that are absolutely not monogamous, and a lot of it has to do with the brain structure and a lot of it has to do with neurochemicals and so on. There are some humans that are more monogamous than others. You spoke with Helen. Helen believes that there are some babies that are born into an environment where there's a lot of testosterone, and those babies grow up into adults who have great sex lives, very, very long sex lives, but they also stray from their partners. They also have anger management issues. They also have other issues. So we have to have another reason, if we're going to be monogamous, to be monogamous, and that is entirely a top-down process. Top-down meaning it's one like we would do with moral reasoning. Why should we not kill? There's moral reasoning around that. Why should we be monogamous? Well, you don't have to be. If you say that you are polyamorous, that's fine, but why are you polyamorous? Stan Tatkin: So here, now, we're talking about the human capacity to override urges, impulses, mood, personality, all sorts of things, in order to get along. Here we're talking about social contract theory. How do societies, people get along? How do civilizations get along? Well, if you let people do what they do, they don't get along. They kill each other. They rob each other. They pillage. They do all sorts of things. History has proven that to us. So how do people then get along? Well, religion was one way, get people to fear a god and that God is watching you all the time, that will keep you in line. We come up with tablets from on high, the Ten Commandments, thou shalt not kill. That doesn't mean thou shalt not kill if I'm in the mood. Even a two-year... Or three-year-old knows what it means. You don't do it, right? So these are ideas that form societies, form civilizations so that people can get along together. That is not because they are the same people. They are different people with different backgrounds and different wants and needs, different brains. Stan Tatkin: Now, when we talk about a couple, we're talking about the smallest unit of a society. That's a two person system, and it operates by rules of social justice as well, unless there are no principles, in which case it's the wild west. So why are you gonna be monogamous? That's the important thing. Why is it a good idea for you? And why is it a good idea for your partner? And if you can't sell the idea to your partner, it's not gonna work. Stan Tatkin: If you can't say with complexity why it serves a personal good and a mutual good, you won't do it. So here we're talking about the human capacity to override what would be our more primitive natures, because human beings are fundamentally selfish, impulsive, moody, changeable, we're moving through time also. There are all these factors that can really get in the way of a long-term relationship. So there has to be some unifying ideas that pull people together, that both people are on-board with, otherwise they won't do it. So that's what I think. But we're talking about two people having a vision on the big ticket items agreeing on where they're going and that they agree on certain principles that ensure that they're protected from each other and everyone else, like does the relationship come first, above all things. It doesn't have to, but if one person says yes and the other person says, no, there will be trouble. Stan Tatkin: So that's how I'm thinking, not so much whether people are monogamous or should be monogamous, or they should be serial monogamists or whatever they do. Usually I don't see people that are unhappy, so they're doing all this stuff and they're fine. But when they're not fine, they come in to see me and you, right? Neil Sattin: Right, exactly. And I wanna dive into that 'cause I think it would be really helpful to talk about how to fight well, and I know that's the bulk of your Relationship Rx program that came out with Sounds True. And I also hear in what you're talking about, 'cause you have a new book coming out as well, right? We Do. Stan Tatkin: We Do, which is a pre-commitment, a pre marital book. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so it must be tackling some of these questions about, why are we even doing this to begin with? Stan Tatkin: Why are we even doing this? What's the point? Why do we get paid the big bucks? What do we serve? Who do we serve? What's the point of this whole thing? And it's remarkable how many people cannot answer that question. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Chloe and I are actually doing a series on the podcast for our wedding vows where we're doing one vow at a time and just talking about why they were important for us and what the principles were and the values underlying the various vows that we made to each other. Stan Tatkin: Right. And it becomes sort of your ethical and moral compass, which then when you have children, that is something that they see not hear about. If you wanna see how to fight, kids, watch Mom and I. We fight, we say things, we apologize, we come back together again, watch what we do. How many couples can say that. And so that's wonderful that you're doing that. Are you gonna make them plaque worthy? Do you have a plaque? Neil Sattin: [chuckle] I think posters are coming out for sure. They're definitely Instagram worthy anyway. [chuckle] And at the same time, it's great I think, because it's a dynamic thing. So even though we made vows and those in some ways are static, 'cause those are the promises we made to each other. But even in just sitting down to talk about each one, they become a living thing. I feel like I'm talking about the Constitution being a living document. But it's kind of along those lines where by being in conversation about our agreements, it gives us the opportunity to live into them more and to decide like, "Wait a minute. Is that what I really meant?" Or, "Is that what you really meant?" And yeah, it creates conversation. Stan Tatkin: The purpose of that, what you're talking about, is to make life easier, is to make the relationship easy because the world is not, life is not, but the relationship should be. Resource should not be resource expending to a degree where you're tied up with each other. So the whole idea of having these agreements, these principles that you believe in, whether you're together or you're not together, whether one person does it or not. This is what you stand for. The reason to do that is it makes everything easier. And when one of you falls off the wagon in some way, the other person just invokes, "Remember, this is what we do." And if you are true to your word, the answer should be, "You're right. I'm so sorry." That makes life easier. Stan Tatkin: When you both are on the same page with big items, that reins in both of your behavior. It's so funny, I just saw a couple this morning like this. They never talk about this stuff. They don't have any big ideas that bring them in or inform what they're going to do, if then. And so they just basically do what they want, which is what most people do, and then they wonder why they end up with a more threatening experience in the relationship and accrue all this unfairness and injustice. So these are very important things to have the big ideas that we can cling to, that we can see, that override these day to day shifts and changes in us. Otherwise, we're not safe. And so that's why the rigor of not just coming up with these principles, but also defending them when challenged by somebody. Can you say to somebody in a complex way why you've decided to be monogamous, why you decided to tell each other everything and be fully transparent. 'Cause if you can't then what's to hold you in when you don't feel like doing these things? So they're really important. Neil Sattin: Yeah. And that reminds me of something else you were talking about in Relationship RX that made an impression on me, which is the importance of creating safety in relationship not just to avoid creating problems and not just to foster positive energy in your relationship, but because when you are safe it actually allows you to live a more complex life. And I'm not talking about complex like, "I'm overwhelmed because my life is so complicated." I'm talking about the kind of complexity that helps you feel like you're alive and thriving and not just doing the same thing over again. You're not in a procedural, rote life. You're actually engaged and curious, but that safety is really required for you to engage in life that way. Stan Tatkin: This is something that people don't understand until they break the relationship, usually by some act of betrayal. Is that the safety and security system is really all the couple has. It is the foundation, it's the ground they stand on. And if either partner messes with that, it is like being... It's like having an earthquake or a volcanic eruption. It takes a long time to recover from that. And unfortunately, people will learn this by making that mistake. But that is really the foundation of these inter-dependent relationships, where lives depend on fealty and radical loyalty because that's not how the world operates. And so the couple is agreeing to do something that nobody else will do because people are basically a burden. They're doing things for each other as full burdens that nobody wants to do unless they get paid a lot of money. And that's what makes them special. But they have to both see that this is mutually assured survival and thriving, and also mutually assured destruction. That's the power they have over each other. And adult couples who are wisened to this, get it. And they know that there are lines they do not cross, and they do not mess with the safety or the security system of the relationship. Neil Sattin: And that brings us into the conversation about attachment and attachment styles and how that impacts safety. And we spoke about this the other times that you were on the show. So I don't wanna spend too much time there. But one thing that has been interesting since you've been on the show is that a lot of people come to the dialogue by saying, "Oh, I'm a wave and my partner is an island", or "I'm an island, and my partner is a wave". And I guess for the most part, it's the waves who are coming. The islands don't tend to come to the conversation, so at least in my experience, the waves are like, "What the fuck do I do with my island partner? How do I bring them to the table?" And this makes me think of two things. One is some reassurance from you about... Well, one like how to not bludgeon your partner with the labeling and how confining that can be. Stan Tatkin: Right. Neil Sattin: And then the second part is also... Actually there are three parts. [chuckle] So one is how to not bludgeon. The second is recognizing that there's some malleability in who we are. And I recognize that there have been times in my life where I've been totally secure. I've been that anchor that you talk about. And then even like Chloe and I were talking about this just before you and I started talking. Like at the beginning of our relationship, I was more of a wave and she was more of an island. And somewhere along the way, we actually switched sides and I became more island-ish and she became more wave-ish. And in truth, we end up more and more anchored with each other, which is, I think where you wanna be. So there's not bludgeoning, there's malleability and what's behind that. And then the last piece is, how do... This is for you waves out there and maybe for you islands too who are listening. It's how do you bring a partner to the table? Especially a partner who seems shut down. If you're a wave in those circumstances, you might be thinking, "Oh, I either have to learn to live with this, or I have to ditch this relationship because this person is not willing to show up with me. It's too threatening for them." That's a lot. Stan Tatkin: Okay. I've got it. Let me take them in turn. Neil Sattin: Alright. Stan Tatkin: One of the things that I was horrified when I wrote the second book with islands, anchors, and waves, was people starting to read it coming in and self identifying, and I thought, "Oh boy, here we go". And here's the problem with it. One, the human mind needs above all to feel, or to be organized, to be able to take experience and to be able to organize it. And one of the ways it organizes is by categorizing and comparing and contrasting, that's part of the human mind. And so as much as we don't like categories, we always seek them anyway. The problem with it is that the categories organize some kind of experience in order to understand something, but it also can be used improperly. Just like religious texts can be used improperly. Everything could be used improperly, the DSM IV, or V rather can be used improperly. So it's not going away. We will always categorize, but problem also, about misusing this need of ours is also not going away. So here's the skinny on it. These are not personalities. These have to do with adaptations to environment. Stan Tatkin: When we talk about someone who's anxious-avoidant, or anxious-ambivalent, or I call that group sometimes angry-resistant because of studying babies, how they look. We're talking about a reaction to a system or a relationship, the most probably important relationship, the primary one where there's uncertainty, anxiety in the interactions, right? The baby... The child learns to adapt to the needs and the behaviors and the expectations as perceived by the caregivers, right? And then makes the adaptations. Stan Tatkin: However, the problem is, is that these adaptations are born out of feeling afraid or anxious. "If I do this, this will happen. If I don't do this, this will happen." And so, as John Bowlby found, that insecurely attached babies, children, adults carry a bigger burden through life because their dependency relationships carry with it a memory of what could or will happen actually, that changes their behavior that actually, as I said before, will cause problems in the relationship. So I'm afraid of being used. I'm afraid of being interfered with, having my independence taken from me, having my stuff taken from me, being co-opted, used as a doll or as a performer. Dance for grandma, all of that. Gee, that was really nice, but also nobody saw me. Nobody really explained things to me. I didn't get that kind of interaction. This family was all about performance and all about appearances, and that is a burden. And I'm angry because I resent that. Or if I'm in a family where I had to take care of one of my parents and emotionally regulate them, I was discouraged from growing up, separating, individuating, and I was rewarded for being little dependent. I'm angry about that because I can never grab what I want. I have to wait for it to come to me and then I will be rejected and punished. How do I know this? I remember it. Stan Tatkin: So, we're talking about fear. When we talk about attachment, we're only talking about fear of what I know has happened and I anticipate it happening again. That's all it is. It's around safety and security. These descriptions are not real people. There is no theory that actually defines a real person. It defines aggregates of people. A general idea that might be useful for a physician or a clinician to be able to reconstruct, based on very little knowledge, what this person's trajectory might be, what they're likely to do in the near future. That is useful for helping people. But unfortunately, it's used to bang each other over the head and to wrongly self identify because of this condition that is part of the human bug of trying to label thyself, and it's false. So we have to understand that these are ideas. They're not people. Real people are more complex. Secondly, to your second point, this is... Attachment was studied with babies and adult attachment came later, it's still in its formative years. And it is, again, based on aggregates of people, not individuals, per se. And it doesn't take into account a two person system, which is ultimately much more complex, unpredictable, and phenomenological. So now you have two people interacting at lightning speeds, becoming a system where you cannot tell who's leading or following. Stan Tatkin: And is that an island or a wave? I don't know. This person is acting more distancing that causes the other person to cling more. More often than not, people who pair bond are more alike than they're not. More alike. They just look like a duck, but they're a dog. And we can test this out in clinic by shoving them together, especially the person who says, "Oh, I want so much more. I want to be loved. I wanna be held. I wanna be kissed. I want more sex and everything". And then you move toward them really quickly and you go, "Would you like somebody who'd cling to you?" And they go, "No, no, no, no." Okay. So, this is an illusion that's created by the homeostatic process of a two-person system, like a Mickey Mouse balloon. You squeeze one ear and the other one gets bigger. You squeeze the other ear and the other one gets bigger. That's couples. Where there's one, there's the other. I guess, all of this to say that it doesn't matter, because two people, no matter where they're coming from, can get along as long as they have a unifying idea of why they're together and why they're interdependent. That overrides everything. Stan Tatkin: And what you're describing about getting somebody to come to the table, whether it's an island, or a wave, or a jackal, it really has to do with survival. Is it in your best interest to be difficult and to cause your partner pain, which is gonna come right back at you, that's self-harming. Is it in your best interest to avoid conflict when that actually creates conflict, do it and have a good time. When you are in a couple, it is a three-legged race. One of you goes down, the other goes down. The two of you are affecting each other immediately. There's nothing I can do to you Neil that you won't do right back. And this is [chuckle] the clown show, sometimes. That is us. We don't realize this because we've been acculturated to this idea that we're autonomous, we should be autonomous, independent individuals, but we are not. That's partly true. We are dependent creatures. We are herd animals that pair bond in herds, and there's no getting away from that. So, that's the big picture answer. Stan Tatkin: As for the island, islands have to understand that conflict avoidance is by itself threatening. There's no way you can be conflict avoidant and not threaten your partner, it's not possible. So, that has to be looked at. And the other partner, the wave, who's constantly bullying and battering and pursuing and can't let go, that's not gonna work either. So, both of them have to reel themselves in, in order to create a secure functioning relationship that protects them both from each other. That's how it's, ultimately it's gonna work, there is no other way. I hope that answers all three. Neil Sattin: Yeah that was great actually. And it makes me wonder... Okay, let's bridge in to the conversation of... Let's just say, "Okay, this isn't quite working. And I wanna weigh whether I'm an island or a wave, to bring that up that creates safety and brings both of us to the table." So how would you approach that in coaching a couple through that kind of dialogue? Stan Tatkin: Also consider this, if the two of you, any two of you were on an island together alone, you'd either kill each other or you'd find a way to get along and work collaboratively and cooperatively. Collaboratively and cooperatively, that's the key. We have mutual interests, you and I. And sometimes people have to get beaten over the head until they figure it out. If you had two kids and they're not getting along, put them in a room, you don't get out until you guys agree on something that's good for both of you, they'll do it. And a lot of this has to do with expectation. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: I'm glad we're not veering into parenting strategies or... [laughter] Stan Tatkin: Not yet. I'm not gonna talk about... Just leave a little bowl of water for them. But I say this because there are places and conditions in the world where people get this naturally because they don't have time for this. They're dodging bullets, they're dealing with real world dangers, they have to work together. And again, the environment enforces this, but to get two people to do this really requires them to work together as a team to see that they depend on each other for anything that's gonna be good, and they have to work together or it will not work in any part of the universe. That's just not how it's gonna work. Unfortunately, we bring to the table our childhood experiences and what we saw with our parents, and many of us, maybe most of us did not see that. And so we only do know what we know, and what we know is what we experienced, and that's it. I experienced that there's too much unfairness in my family, too much injustice, too much insensitivity, so now I behave that way, and I accuse you of being that way. I know when you're doing it, I don't know or care when I'm doing it. So there has to be a "come to Jesus here" of reckoning of how are we going to do this, you and I. So we work together, given our differences, meaning that at the bottom of this we accept each other as is, and we go from there. And sometimes you work with what is not working. Stan Tatkin: How do we put that into a principle that both of us can buy into, that will reign us in, that will solve that problem, not by being different but by doing business different together. And again, that has to do with a certain level of maturity of understanding this is a two person psychological system, not a one person psychological system. And most people out there operating as a one person system, which will never work because it's too unfair, it's too insensitive. And so, people will eventually complain. So the answer to that is, what do we stand for? Why are we doing this? What's the point of this? What we're gonna do for each other we couldn't pay someone to do? Beyond attraction, beyond interest, beyond being in love, what's the point of us? And looking down the road in the long run, not just today or tomorrow. And it has to be cooperative and collaborative, otherwise it cannot work. That's what I'm heavy on with couples in my office, and when I see them not getting that, I'm very strong about this, I expect them to do this. There is no other way for them to get through therapy with me except if they do this, otherwise they'll fire me. But again, expectation is the big thing. Neil Sattin: And maybe what I'm also hearing there...Is the importance of both people realizing it's not that I have to not be me, it's almost like just a little bit less of me, a little bit, but less of me in the dysfunctional way. Like, if we're willing to both look at a situation and say, "You know what? When I just... " Rather than, let's just say like for me when I'm feeling more islandy, it's because I haven't trusted that my partner could really hear what I had to say. And it would be... Or that I could deliver in a way that wasn't gonna blow up into something crazy. So for me, it's easier to just go and be in my own world or deal with it on my own, than it would be to lean into the relationship and vice versa. When I've been more of a wave, I can recall times where I've been more like, "Oh, if I'm not willing... If I let this go, then it's never gonna get resolved. It's up to me to pull my partner into this conversation, into this dialog no matter what". And of course, in the process driving them crazy. So I'm talking about one person being able to have a little bit more space, but in the context of recognizing, if all I do is take my space, then the things that actually matter to me may never actually get resolved. Neil Sattin: And my partner may never actually get to know me because they just know the still waters part of me, but they don't get the run deep part of me. Or on the other side, my partner may never really know me because I've turned the volume up so loud on who I am that their system is just blocking them from me as much as possible. But in that context, both people can come to the table and be honored in who they are. Stan Tatkin: Right. This is a very good point. No, people have to be who they are. You don't do these relationships to be a different person, you do these relationships to be... To relax and to be exactly who you are. But having said that, you're in a two person system, therefore, when dealing with you, I have to take care of you and me at the same time. I can't just take care of me. If I want to get anywhere or get anything or to be heard, then I have to keep you in mind every moment, watch you, watch your face, you are my audience. If I blow you out of the water, game over for me. If I'm insensitive and I don't notice I just stepped on your toes or hurt you and I don't stop the presses and go, " I'm sorry, are you okay, did I do that thing again?" If I don't do that, I lose. And so this is this way. It's not this way, this way, and you're in each other's care. Therefore it's not just about you, it's about you paying attention to the other person, your audience. How do they hear things, how do they see things? I know you knew, I know what makes you tick. I know what scares you. I know what uplifts you. I know what I do that makes you crazy. And if I don't acknowledge that or take care of you at the same moment, I lose you as an audience and now we're going to be at war. Stan Tatkin: So people should be who they are. But they have to remember that what they do, what they say, how they sound has an impact on this other person who has their own prism that they're looking through, and that prism is changing constantly according to their state of mind. This is where the consideration and the realization that I'm talking to a different animal, the animal that is you, I have to be a Neil whisperer, or I get nothing. You have to be a Stan whisperer or you get nothing. And so many of us talk and act as if we're the only ones here. And it doesn't bother me if you did that, I don't know why you're upset. It's all about me. And I don't realize if with this animal, that's Neil. If I approach on the left, I get bit, I keep approaching on the left 'cause I'm angry, I should be able to approach on the left. I'll get bit every time. That's stupid. It really is about not being a different person, but about fucking getting it in your head that you are with someone who's different and you have to know that at all times or you suffer the consequences. Full stop. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah. Stan Tatkin: And when we lose, we lose. We learn, we dust ourselves off. Oops! Sorry. And then we get another chance 'cause the universe keeps pitching us. There's always a chance to get it right and to work it out. But the key is also coming back to the table and fixing it. Always, because of the memory problem. If we don't fix things quickly it goes into long term memory, and now we've got a whole bunch of backwash that we have to litigate. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Wow! There's a lot right there in that last bit to unpack. So there's the question of, if we don't repair quickly, then we're creating more challenges for ourself in terms of how we recover as a whole, as a couple. Stan Tatkin: Yes and that's the Biology part of it. Memory becomes Biology, it becomes in our body, and it becomes part of that fast recognition system. So that as soon as you begin to tilt your head a certain way, your voice starts a certain way. "I know what you're gonna do. I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions later because I've been down this road." Neil Sattin: Right. And then there's the other piece which is so important, and it's come up over and over again on the show, which is that you're doing two simultaneous things. You're probably doing more than two, but let's just say you're doing two simultaneous things when you're in conversation or let's say an argument with your partner, which is, there's the content of what you're trying to resolve, but then there's also managing awareness of, "Oh, I'm triggered. Oh, my partner's triggered." And once that's happening, all bets are off and we have to come back to being in, you call them the ambassador part of the brain, but being in the fore brain so that we can actually be social and creative with each other. Let's talk a little bit more about like, "Alright, we've got some challenging shit that we gotta deal with as a couple." How do we do that in a way that honors an awareness that probably what's gonna happen is one or the other of us is gonna get hijacked, and how do we... How do we do it responsibly without avoiding it? Because we're worried that if that happens one too many times, we've just blasted ourselves in our long-term memory. Stan Tatkin: The rule of thumb is avoid nothing but keep it short. We're entering into an area of importance, where there's stress, where there's distress, where there's memory, where there's proceed with caution. Therefore it's incumbent for us to remain orderly. By "orderly", we stick to one topic and one topic only. There's no two people that can handle two or more topics when they're under stress, it will never happen. If we wanna get anything out of this effort, if we wanna get something done we have to be disciplined, orderly, and stick to one thing. That's on both people to do, stay on task. The first person who brings up an issue wins or at least goes first. And my job, if you have a grudge or something that you're upset about, my first thing I do if I want to get anything from this is I have to lead with relief. I have to do something that disarms you, let you know I'm a friendly, otherwise I lose you as an audience member, and now we're going down that road. "You're right. I know I do that. I know I have a... " And I don't say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry you thought of it that way. I know I do that and I'm sorry I did it. I honestly... It doesn't matter whether I meant to do it or not, but I'm sorry that I did that. Here's though my gripe in return." Stan Tatkin: But we're regulating each other because if at any time, because we have this negativity bias and our brains are built more for war than love, at any time, we can set a fire that's going to encompass or just kill both of us. A lot of this is being skillful, both people putting fires out quickly so we can proceed. If you don't feel that I can fix, repair, make right, make amends, admit a wrong, then you are going to increase your blood pressure, your heart rate, you're getting closer to what we call a hypothalamic system, which basically means fight, flight or freeze. And now we're going to start to go to war. Good times, right? So remaining orderly, sticking to one topic, first things first, one at a time, and keeping it short. People don't understand that when we're under stress our ability to take in words or to formulate words and thought becomes impaired the more our blood pressure increases. This is simply again, has to do with readying ourselves for what feels like we have to take action on. We have to watch that with each other, otherwise, we blow each other out of the water. Stan Tatkin: I'm gonna keep it short. I'm gonna say, "It really bugged me, what you did. It really hurt my feelings when you did that in front of everybody." Full stop. The more I talk, the more I'm holding you in a position where it's not neutral. You're going to increase in your arousal and I'm gonna pay for that. Also, the more I talk, the more likely I will throw in a dangerous word or phrase. And now, that's all we'll be talking about, is that piece that you're brain is sweeping for that says, "Okay, I thought you were pulling out a gun. I'm doing that now." Fast, short, friendly. Both people are agreeing that they're trying to get into mutual relief as quickly as possible. How quickly can we take this off the table and then have lunch? And people don't often know how to do this, they don't know how it works. We don't really resolve too much, but we relieve each other so we can push the ball forward. And now, I'm okay for now until the next time. "I'm sorry, I hurt you." "You do that all the time." "I know. I know, I'm sorry I did that. I was really nervous and that's why I did it. I wasn't thinking of you. That's not cool. You know what would help me, is the next time I do that, 'cause I know I'll do it again, is just when you start seeing me do that, just cue me, or just before we walk in the room, remind me." Stan Tatkin: Now, this is smart because we're creatures of automation and reflex. If I tell you, "Neil, don't do that again." You will do it again. Because like I said, we don't think we just act and react reflexively. So chances I'm gonna do that thing again is 100%. If you remind me just before, predict me, I won't do it. If you let me know right away and then I can fix it. And then I start to remember not to do it. People again, have to understand how memory works. But people let things slide, they wait until two weeks later, it's like being angry with your dog for peeing this morning. Dog is upset, but doesn't know what you're talking about. We're that way as human beings, we're not that smart. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: I'm curious too. There is one thing that jumped out at me as part of your conversation about resolving fights, and I love this emphasis on, Keep it simple and short, and come back, come back to each other. You also talked about the way that we sometimes start up a conversation that it creates more harm than good versus being willing to just kinda lay it on the table right upfront as opposed to the, "There's something that's been bothering me for a while and I really wanna talk." just blah, saying it. So what's behind that? Stan Tatkin: That is anxiety, and it's also a particular style of way of processing information whereby people many times think out loud. And thinking out loud is fine but you have to understand that as you're thinking out loud, you're boring your partner, or you're making them wonder what the punchline is. And so because we have this negativity bias, in the absence of knowing something, we're going to fill it in with something not so good. As I'm leading up to this and I'm telling you, "Neil, I don't wanna say this because it's gonna hurt your feelings. Your blood pressure is going up, your heart rate is going up. And don't get mad, please. Last time you got really mad at me, and then I had to go to my mother's for the rest of the weekend. Blood pressure going up there, and... And I'll try not to hurt you." By this time, the next thing that's gonna happen after I stop is you're gonna punch me because I alerted you to something and you're physiologically doing what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to prepare for the tiger who's gonna eat you. Stan Tatkin: That's not good. Where as we wanna lead with relief and go. The first thing is, you're right or I'm sorry I did that. Or can you explain what it is 'cause I don't even know what I did, but something that relieves that person quickly. Also, you wanna hit it and then repair, then take it down. "So you know what? I'm not going tonight and now you're upset with me. Let me explain why." Okay. So the reason for this is all physiological. I hit it when you have the most head room, because with news, anything, there's a spike and then I soothe it, then I fill in. But if I fill in before, that's called burying the lede, I'm taking too long to get to my point and arousing you unnecessarily. And so it's the other way around. All of this is based on, again, biology, physiology. It's not personal, it's just how we are. So you hit it and then you explain and soften from there, but you also relieve somebody immediately when they're upset with you. Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Yeah, and I can see the value in that. Yeah, for sure. Because of that very reason that whether it's your own anxiety, I don't want to deal with this problem or the way that you're stirring up the other person's anxiety. At that point, you're in this reciprocal anxiety circuit. Your mirror neurons are probably going crazy. Stan Tatkin: Imagine you're a child and you're getting a shot. And the doctor says, "Okay, sweetheart I'm gonna stick this big fucking needle into your little tiny arm. And it's gonna hurt like crazy for a second. And are you up for that? I'm gonna give you a lollipop, so maybe you can choke on it." Right? No it's like, "Oh, look over there boom, done. [laughter] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sweetie for hurting you. But it's all over now." Okay. So maybe people will get it with that image. Neil Sattin: Right. Right, I swear there's a viral video somewhere of that happening, and then the little kid, "Boom!" right in the nose. [laughter] I know I've seen that. Stan Tatkin: It's unwise. Neil Sattin: Right. Well, but overall, the message is intact, which is, if you're always setting the stage that you are there with your partner, you're not out to get your partner, and even when you have bad news to deliver, "I'm not going tonight and I'm still here with you. I wanna work through this. No one... We both don't get out of this unless we're both succeeding here." So if you can hold your own... Your partner's disappointment while you're holding your truth around why you can't go, just using that example, then you're gonna avoid getting punched on the nose by offering the bad news because you're there in a context of mutual support. Stan Tatkin: Right. The... Neil Sattin: Yeah, it's like, "How do we always preserve that context?" Stan Tatkin: The reason for these errors... 'Cause they are errors. The reason for these errors is, the reason I am doing that with you, is because I'm thinking of me. I'm not thinking of you. I'll say I'm thinking of you, but I'm not. I'm thinking of me. I'm afraid of how you'll react. I'm afraid of the consequences of my sins. And that signals something to you quite different. You don't know that. All you know is what I'm serving you with. And this is where people are misunderstanding each other all the time. I think I'm communicating this, but I'm not. That's because I'm thinking only of me, I'm not thinking of my person. So, again, we're back to this idea of a two person system, of taking care of myself and the other person at the same time. And this is the selfishness or the self-centeredness of insecurely attached people, is that they consider themselves first, and even they're sparing... Their partner is also saving themselves. And it's not really considerate. It's not really sensitive. A lot of this gets taken care of once we get the idea. I have to consider you, not consider the consequences for me. And if we're doing that for each other, we're serving each other, and that's how we remain respectful and safe. Neil Sattin: Yeah, great. It's such an important skill because disagreements will occur in relationship. They need to. They need to because you're two different people so... And that makes me think about one other thing, but do we have time for one more question? It's actually... Stan Tatkin: Sure. Neil Sattin: We're at quarter past the hour. What often comes up in this conversation toward the end, we established, "Okay, we wanna create safety for each other. We wanna... And I get it. Even when we're fighting, we're gonna focus on the safety." But then there's the flip side, which is, "Wait a minute. If we're feeling so safe and cozy with each other, where's that hot... Where's that passion? Where's the sex? Where's the excitement that comes from the tension of... " I don't know. That hasn't been my experience in relationship, but it's a question that comes up, which is like, "Wait a minute. Isn't the safety gonna kill something? Are we gonna be too safe in our relationship?" I'd love to hear a quick answer on that. Yeah. Stan Tatkin: Well, a lot of people keep the thrill alive by scaring each other and that's not good either. That'll kill you soon. Being safe with each other is not about eroticism. Being safe with each other is knowing that you can depend on each other with your life. But if you're always wondering whether the relationship will exist tomorrow or whether your partner's gonna betray you, that may make you feel more excited about your partner, but that sucks. There are other ways to be excited about your partner [chuckle] without scaring the shit out of each other. Neil Sattin: Yeah. [chuckle] Stan Tatkin: And that has to do with knowing how to co-create exciting love, which is the dopaminergic addictive love that Helen also talks about, Helen Fisher. But it's well-known, and that is through direct eye contact, it's through shared novelty attending to a third thing that's completely new, doing things together that neither of you have ever done, levels the playing field, but also quiet love, which is basically shutting up and just relaxing together without doing anything. So there's all sorts of ways to co-generate these states, but people have to understand that it's done that way. And it will never ever, ever be the way it was when you first met because it's impossible. You know too much about each other, that doesn't mean you know everything about each other, and it doesn't mean that you really know each other as well as you think because of that memory problem, that automation issue. Stan Tatkin: When we automate each other, we only think we know each other. And that's where we're all making all these errors. When I look into your eyes and we stay there in a gaze you suddenly become a stranger enough to me to where you are different and I can't predict you in this moment. That's exciting. And if I'm not looking at you, you're the same as I always thought in my head, I don't see anything different 'cause I'm not looking. So the antidote to automation, the only antidote other than senility is presence and attention. That's it, [chuckle] presence and attention. There could be a time when we become senile and we go, "Oh God, you look like a pretty young woman. Who are you?" [chuckle] Then it's all new and fresh again, but I don't think you wanna wait for that to happen. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I think that's also why it's so important to foster the skill of being curious, because as much as you wake up your curiosity, then you're probably pulling people out of that automatic place into a place of like, "Wait a minute. I actually don't really know you. And what can I discover about you?" Stan Tatkin: Automation is a trance. It helps us get through life and do things that we ordinarily couldn't do. We wouldn't get out of a corner of a room if we didn't have that feature. But it also makes us bored. It also makes us think that we know what we know. And by the way, people wonder why time flies faster as we get older. That's because we've automated more things and we're not exposed enough to new things. We don't throw ourselves into novelty anymore and so why wouldn't time fly by? Everything's automatic. So this is another reason to do this now with your child, with your partner, with your parents while they're alive. Is to be present, pay attention, look. Look at every detail of the face, of the eyes. People are interesting. They're not interesting in our own heads, just not. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so true. I love that. Well, Stan it's always great to have you on the show. You have such deep wisdom to offer and I'm glad to... Like now we've got the trifecta. Not that... I mean I hope to have you on again of course, but this is a perfect next dose in the series of Stan Tatkin on Relationship Alive. Your work is obviously having a huge impact on our culture. I know because people are talking about it all the time and I love your Relationship Rx recording that just came out, it's eight hours long. So there's a lot to offer a couple that's learning how to handle problematic situations with more ease, more resilience. Looking forward to your We Do book coming out. And as I mentioned at the beginning of our conversation, if you wanna download a transcript, you can visit neilsattin.com/wired3, wired referring to Stan's earlier books "Wired for Love" and "Wired for Dating", or you can always text the word passion to the number 33444, follow the instructions and you can download the transcript that way. Stan, if people want to find out more about your work, what's the best place for them to visit? Now I know you're training therapists, as well as working with lay people. Stan Tatkin: Right, so if you want to attend any of our couples retreats, which we do all over the world, and there are several coming up now in East Coast and West Coast, go to thepactinstitute.com; our schedules are up for this year and also if you are a therapist and you want to be trained in this, that's how this started, was teaching therapists, and if you're interested it's really a fun approach. Same place, go there and our schedule is up there for the entire year inside United States and outside. Neil Sattin: Great, great, and I've heard from at least one person in your trainings how amazing they are and how much they're getting about how to work with couples. Hopefully you train people how to tell it like it is. [chuckle] You either come out alive or you die together, you gotta figure... [chuckle] So hopefully they get that from you as well. Stan Tatkin: Thank you Neil, and congratulations for your upcoming book. Neil Sattin: Yeah, thanks so much.  

In this segment of the Inner Voice - a Heartfelt chat with Dr. Foojan, Dr. Foojan Zeine interviews with Dr. Stan Tatkin, Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, Dr. Tatkin teaches at UCLA, maintains a private practice in Southern California, and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of several books including the popular Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships and most recently Relationship RX: Insights and Practices to Overcome Chronic Fighting and Return to Love - an Audio CD  www.stantatkin.com  www.thepactinstitute.com. Tune in Mondays 3 PM PST and call in to the show. www.foojan.com - www.kmet1490am.com

How do you keep love alive? It's not what you think!This week, we're diving deep into love, romance, danger, conflict, fact, fantasy and truth with Dr. Stan Tatkin, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). Tatkin's practice is based in Calabasas, California, where for the last 20 years he has specialized in working with couples, and also individuals who want to be in a relationship.Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, Ph.D., founded the PACT Institute where they train psychotherapists to use the PACT method in their clinical practice. They lead couple workshops and train therapists all over the world.Tatkin is also the author of numerous books, including Wired for LOVE: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.+---------------------+We're grateful for the kind support of: ShipStation: Manage and ship your orders. FREE for 30 days, plus a bonus. Visit ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in GOODLIFE.ZipRecruiter: Post jobs for FREE, go to ZipRecruiter.com/good.Cultivating Place: Thoughtful conversations with both world class and everyday ordinary gardeners, growers, naturalists, scientists, artists and thinkers.To take a listen, go to cultivatingplace.com, subscribe to the podcast, and sign up for the monthly newsletter.Tula: Try TULA probiotic skincare today! Go to Tula.com/goodlife to get 20% off and free shipping on your order with the promo code at the top of the screen.

Welcome to episode seventeen of the Honest Mamas Podcast. Today, our guest is Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, who is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises first- through third-year family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a core member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. What you’ll hear in this episode   How Stan became an expert working with couples The three attachment styles in the PACT approach—the wave, anchor and island The way in which these attachment styles show up Working with our partners to crate safe and secure attachments How to deal with these issues as children come into the relationship Practical tips on how to manage conflict within a relationship Why you shouldn’t stay in an unhappy relationship just for the kids Resources https://stantatkin.com http://thepackardinstitute.com Ted Talk - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xKXLPuju8U

A conversation with Stan Tatkin, founder of the PACT Institute, about a neuroscience-informed approach to working with couples.  Dr. Tatkin discusses both theoretical foundations of his approach, as well as practical strategies for applying the model with couples.   For more on Stan, links from the conversation, and the APA citation for this episode visit http://wp.me/p7R6fn-e9  

GUEST STAN TATKIN: Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method—called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®)—draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.” Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING published by New Harbinger. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) STAN TATKIN TALKED ABOUT: “Secure Functioning” is being in a relationship that is fully collaborative, fully mutual, and based on justice, fairness, and sensitivity. How a couple protects each other and how they handle stress together. Environmental threats may bring stress to the individuals and the couple, and helping couples regulate the stress through connection and relationship. Family culture – is relationship a priority? If relationship is not important and prioritized, than children often develop some level of insecure attachment. Cultural messages can be misleading and confusing (i.e. “Love yourself before you can love another.”) Couples often lack purpose in their union…why they are together? What is their partnership all about? What are their shared values, agreements, and principles that keep them committed? People with insecure attachment styles tend to behave in ways that are good for the self, but are not good for the relationship. How our neurobiology impacts our perception and memory, which in turn impacts the way we perceive and experience our partners in relationship. Naturally, we tend to have a negativity bias. Prioritizing emotional attunement in relationship. The importance of having loyalty to the couple system that provides a foundation of security, safety, and sustenance for the couple to thrive. ***UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS*** I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!! MENTIONED: Stan Tatkin (website) PACT Institute (website) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate Relationships Are Hard, But Why? Stan Tatkin (Ted Talk) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 107: How To Prioritize Relationship With Stan Tatkin [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Have you ever pulled away from your partner out of fear they might leave you? Or maybe what you really fear is your partner getting too close. Both of these situations arise from insecurity, which can seriously wreak havoc on your relationship. If you’re going through something like this right now, never fear! Stan Tatkin has a lot of powerful insights to share on how to foster a sense of security and safety with your partner. After all, we often forget that the word “partner” implies that the other person is on your side. For more, visit: bethrogerson.com

Why are relationships so hard? If you're anything like I am you've spent immeasurable time and effort clawing away at romantic relationships that just never seem to work out. For me personally, it's been by far the biggest supplier of grist for the mill. When the offer came across my desk to have Stan on the podcast I immediately jumped on it because I not only wanted to bring his wisdom to you but I also wanted to get into the deep end of my own issues. I got so much out of this one. We talked about the patterns within relationships, our nervous systems, gender roles and history, neurobiology and why that plays a role and techniques for dealing with conflict. Stan is smart, wise, very well educated and compassionate. Check out his site, books and this podcast! Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises first- through third-year family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a core member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. www.stantatkin.com

Aired Thursday, 12 January 2017, 2:00 PM ETIn the age of online dating, finding a real connection can seem more daunting than ever. But, what if there is a way to stack the odds of finding the right person for you in your favor? Everyone wants to find love, but few really understand how and why people become attracted to one another; how to move toward or away from commitment; and the important role the brain and nervous system play in the creation of love and romance. Join Sylvia and Dr. Stan Tatkin as they discuss practical tips that you can use to prepare yourself for dating and love so that you’ll be ready to meet your ideal partner and know how to make a meaningful connection. About the Guest Dr. Stan Tatkin Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is the author of Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, and Love and War in Intimate Relationships. He has a clinical practice in Southern California, teaches at Kaiser Permanente, and is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA. Tatkin developed the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®) and together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, founded the PACT Institute. For more information about Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, visit: www.StanTatkin.com

Dr. Stan Tatkin is a psychotherapist who works with couples. He and his wife founded the PACT Institute (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) which treats couples and trains other therapists in their active, psychobiological approach to conflict resolution. Dr. Tatkin also leads couples’ retreats, teaches at a CA state university, writes books, and speaks at conferences. In this episode of Businesses in Bloom, Stan explains how he came to be fascinated by couples therapy, and how he’s built a successful career around it. To get the show notes for this episode, you can go to http://www.julietaustin.com/bb56

Jonathan sits down with therapist and author Stan Tatkin to talk about how we can create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with other human beings. Plus, they discuss dating as a numbers game, the idea of soulmates, and Jonathan asks for love advice on behalf of his friends.  Find Dr. Tatkin's work at https://stantatkin.com. He's on Twitter and Facebook @DrStanTatkin and Instagram @StanTatkin.  Find out what today's guest and former guests are up to by following us on Instagram and Twitter @CuriousWithJVN. Transcripts for each episode are available at JonathanVanNess.com. Check out Getting Curious merch at PodSwag.com. Listen to more music from Quiñ by heading over to TheQuinCat.com. Jonathan is on Instagram and Twitter @JVN and @Jonathan.Vanness on Facebook.

Sister Jenna welcomes Dr. Stan Tatkin to the America Meditating Radio Show. Dr. Tatkin, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method - called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) - draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.” Dr. Tatkin co-founded the PACT Institute which trains psychotherapists and other professionals from all over the world in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at UCLA's Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING. Visit http://stantatkin.com. Get the Off the Grid Into the Heart CD by Sister Jenna.  Like America Meditating & follow us on Twitter.  Visit us at www.meditationmuseum.org.  Download our free Pause for Peace App for Apple or Android.

Dr. Stan Tatkin, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method - called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) - draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.” Together with his wife, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute which trains psychotherapists and other professionals from all over the world in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at UCLA's Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING. Visit http://stantatkin.com. Get the Off the Grid Into the Heart CD by Sister Jenna.  Like America Meditating on FB & follow us on Twitter.  Visit our website at www.meditationmuseum.org.  Download our free Pause for Peace App for Apple or Android.

Everybody wants someone to love and spend time with. Searching for your ideal partner is a natural and healthy humantendency. So why do so few people actually know what they're doing? Enter this week's guest—Dr. Stan Tatkin, psychologist, relationship expert and author of Wired For Dating. In this episode we'll give you tips to help you find a compatible mate and go on to create a fabulous relationship. Got a question for Robert or Dr. Tatkin? Call in to the show at (347)-945-5834. Join Robert Manni, author of The Guys' Guy's Guide To Love as we discuss life, love and the pursuit of happiness. Subscribe to Guy's Guy Radio on iTunes! Buy The Guys' Guy's Guide to Love now!

Title: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship: Stan Tatkin If you’ve listened to some of the other episodes then by now you’ve heard how so much of what happens to us as kids can affect how we are, in relationship, as adults. You can get into the specifics if you want - and there are times when I think that’s a good idea - but you can also look at the big picture of whether or not you had a secure attachment with your parents (and now are able to have a healthy, secure style in your adult relationships). Or you might find that you developed what’s known as an insecure attachment style with your parents, and now THAT is affecting how you connect with  (or withdraw from) the people you love as an adult. Do you sometimes feel an overarching need for space and find yourself always feeling like your partner wants too much from you? Do you start to feel anxious when you’re alone, like your partner isn’t there for you enough. Well, guess what - this all relates to your attachment style. The great thing about it is: there’s something you can do. On today’s show our guest is Stan Tatkin, Doctor of Psychology, one of the world’s experts on attachment theory, and the author of “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship”. On this show we’re going to get to know the ins and outs of how we attach to others - and give you some successful strategies for knowing and understanding yourself, and your partner, and finding healthy ways to support each other in relationship. If you’re single, we’re also going to talk about the implications of attachment style on dating - and Stan’s new book “Wired for Dating” is coming out this month - January of 2016. In this conversation, Stan Tatkin and I cover the following topics: Wired for Love is a manual for how to feel safe in relationship. When we don’t feel safe and secure in our relationship it can create a lot of stress, problems with thinking and focus, creativity, patience, etc. And the long-term effects of stress can contribute to all kinds of illness and dis-ease. So there are very practical reasons for understanding clearly how to feel safe in relationship (both what will increase your feelings of safety in relationship as well as how to help your partner feel safe). What is at the root of your attachment style? Your attachment style is created by the primary relationship that you have as a child, generally with your mother. As an infant we learn very quickly whether or not our parent (or primary caregiver) is there for us unconditionally. If so, we learn to trust those on whom we come to depend in our primary relationship. If not, we develop an insecure attachment style as a response to the uncertainty that our needs will be met in our primary relationship. Insecure attachment styles: Islands -  People who are more “islands” in their attachment style (the ones who need extra space) typically had to perform or be a certain way in order to experience love in their primary relationship. They tend to distance themselves in relationship as they are afraid of losing themselves within the relationship, or being co-opted. Insecure attachment styes: - Waves - People who are “waves” tend to be more needy and afraid of abandonment in relationship. Typically they were responsible for the emotional well-being of at least one of their parents, and so they were rewarded for being dependent. Both insecure attachment styles can be distancing: Both waves and islands can also distance themselves ultimately within a relationship, waves because they are afraid of being abandoned, and islands because they are afraid of being consumed. At the root of both avenues: fear. And both islands and waves WANT relatedness - it’s just the kinds of fears that relatedness creates that lead to wave-like or island-like behavior. Are you an island or a wave? How about your partner? We all have elements of secure attachment, and the different insecure attachment styles, but under duress you will probably veer more towards one than the other. And the way you go can change depending on the relationship that you’re in. Are you more of a “go it alone” kind of person, with the feeling that no one can do something better than you? This way of being is supported quite a bit in western culture, and can lead to being an island. Are you more chatty, interested in other people and relationship, very related to others, very affected by separations and reunions? Odds are that you’re more of a wave. No judgment! It’s important to know that neither of these is good or bad, they just “are” and affected by your experience. With an understanding of where you are, and an understanding of your partner (or potential partners), you can come away with a map of how to build safety in your relationship - a secure container from which everything else grows and prospers. These patterns of behavior only come up in relationship. So - don’t be surprised when it emerges after the courtship/honeymoon phase of a relationship. This is just “what we do” when we begin to see a relationship with another person as “permanent”. What is the difference between securely attached, or creating safety, and co-dependency in a relationship? If you’re codependent, then you are overly concerned with the other person and not concerned with yourself at all. You are sacrificing yourself for the sake of the relationship. However, in a secure relationship, or a relationship where islands and waves come together in order to create a safe, thriving environment for each other, both people serve the THIRD entity, the relationship, as they see it as a path for both of them to grow/expand even more than they could if they were on their own. It’s not important to worry about moving from an insecure attachment style to a secure attachment style. It’s more important for you and your partner to understand how each other operate and to create agreements that support you and your safe container. By virtue of doing so, you will naturally move towards a more secure attachment style. Either way, though, those agreements will ensure that you are working collaboratively, without judgment of each other - instead appreciating how each other is in the world, and knowing better than anyone else in the world how to provide an environment that feels safe and secure to each other. Be a detective to learn what works and what doesn’t work with your partner. Taking this approach helps engage your curiosity, and helps you tune in to how what you do actually is affecting the other person. The “I’m just going to take care of me and you just take care of you” approach may sound good on paper, but it’s usually experienced as a threat to the relationship. Excessive self-reliance can actually become an exit strategy in a relationship. These mechanisms are ruled by the primitive part of your brain. And, in general, if the primal part of your brain is triggered then that part of your brain is going to call the shots - the higher-functioning part of your brain can’t even do it’s job when the primitive part of your brain hijacks it or diverts resources away from it. The importance of agreements: Do you have agreements with your partner that allow you to repair as soon as either of you gets triggered? These kinds of agreements allow you to come back into balance and connection with each other - and then address the specifics of what came up afterwards. If your partner is in distress then it becomes a priority for you to help them recover first - and then figure out strategies for working through whatever caused the distress. Establishing the “Couple Bubble” - All of these strategies are about improving the container of your relationship, or what Stan Tatkin calls the “couple bubble”. Create rituals to reinforce your togetherness. Bedtime rituals, rituals upon waking - or I also share in the podcast a ritual for reminding each other of togetherness before walking into situations that could be triggering. It’s not healthy to avoid conflict. However, you can learn to “fight smart”. For one thing, are you always looking for ways to resolve conflict that are true win/win options? Only when your interests are aligned with your partner, and nobody loses, can you get out of being triggered in anger and arrive at conclusions that foster greater love and connection - even when you are in a disagreement. When dealing with an island… it can be helpful to offer quick doses of love without holding on for too lengthy a period of time. Islands can be more left-brain dominant (verbal, logical) - so it can be helpful to express your love in left-brain sorts of ways. When dealing with a wave… offer reassurance that you love them, touch, etc. Waves tend to be more right-brainy, so offering touch, emotion, movement - those are all strategies that can build safety and connection for a wave. Your relationship is an ecosystem. And once you create a secure, safe ecosystem where you are safe being you and sharing everything with your partner, you are now have energy and resources free to be able to thrive even more in your life than you could in an insecure environment, or independent of relationship. That kind of security that only partnership can offer actually allows you to be more fully “you” in the world than you could have before. Are you still auditioning? We act differently when we’re not all in in terms of commitment. One to two years is a reasonable amount of time to know if you really want to be with someone. After that, it’s time to decide if you’re really in it or not - so that you can experience what it’s like to be in relationship with this person when both of you are fully invested. And then you’ll get MORE information that will help you decide if it really is what you want for the LONG long term. Eye contact and close physical proximity! Both are important strategies for fostering the biology that leads to feeling safe, secure, and happy in your relationship. Another reason oxytocin/vasopressin is important: These neuropeptides allow you to experience stillness without fear. So important for fostering intimacy, particularly when intimacy can stimulate fear - either through being a survivor of trauma, or through simply being a wave or an island. What about polyamory? At the core of polyamory is generally the “primary” pair. Who would you turn to first when you’re in distress, or to celebrate something amazing? That being said, the main thing is that all of your relationships should keep you feeling safe and secure, and when a relationship violates that, it’s going to be problematic, whether it’s your primary relationship or secondary, tertiary, etc. How does this apply when you’re single? Bear in mind that the cascade of neurochemicals that you’re experiencing when you’re dating will keep you from really knowing what’s going on with the other person. One important tool for you is to leverage the power of your community - family, friends, etc. - to help you decide whether or not someone is actually good for you. Not that you should invalidate your own opinion and feelings, of course - but you can count on others who are not love-drunk to help you get clarity on the situation. There’s more information in Stan Tatkin’s new book “Wired for Dating” as well. Resources: Stan Tatkin's website - www.stantatkin.com Stan Tatkin on Facebook Stan Tatkin on Twitter Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin on Amazon Wired for Dating by Stan Tatkin on Amazon www.neilsattin.com/wired is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a free copy of “Wired for Love”! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Author of Wired for Love Dr. Tatkin discusses the importance of couples being in a “couple bubble”. How do you put your relationship first when you are sitting in the proverbial foxhole? Learn how to use morning and evening rituals and other easy to implement techniques that will help you feel connected and make your life as a caregiver for … Read more about this episode...

Join us as we’ll discuss:Your lover’s - and your own - attachment style.What the ‘couple bubble’ is and how it saves relationships.How we can rewire our brains for better relationships. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental object relations, Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private clinical practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders, but more recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Stan Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute to train clinicians in A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®). A fusion of attachment theory, developmental neuroscience, and arousal regulation, PACT is quickly gaining a reputation for effectively treating couples formerly thought of as untreatable. The PACT Institute hosts trainings in seven US cities as well as in Australia, Canada, Spain, and Turkey. To learn more about Dr. Tatkin go to http://stantatkin.com.

Purchase Stan's Books and CDs Wednesday, Jan 1, 6pm EST: Mitchell's guest tonight is Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA. Dr. Tatkin has developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin  is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore's study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse's program out of UC Berkeley. You can Listen on-line at www.abetterworld.tv  

Purchase Stan's Books and CDs Wednesday, Jan 1, 6pm EST: Mitchell's guest tonight is Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA. Dr. Tatkin has developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin  is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore's study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse's program out of UC Berkeley. You can Listen on-line at www.abetterworld.tv --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/abwmitchellrabin/support

Purchase Stan's Books and CDs Wednesday, Jan 1, 6pm EST: Mitchell's guest tonight is Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA. Dr. Tatkin has developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin  is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore's study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse's program out of UC Berkeley. You can Listen on-line at www.abetterworld.tv  

Is it possible to maintain or re-ignite an exciting sexual relationship with your long-term partner? My guest this week is Stan Tatkin. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach To Couples Therapy® (PACT) which integrates neuroscience, infant attachment, arousal regulation, and therapeutic enactment applied to adult primary attachment relationships. He maintains a practice in Calabasas, California, and runs a bi-weekly clinical study group for medical and mental health professionals and training programs in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boulder, Seattle, Austin, and New Jersey.

I’m excited to announce that Dr. Stan Tatkin will be joining me to discuss his book Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Spark Intimacy.

In this episode, I welcome back the brilliant Dr. Stan Tatkin to the show. This time, we're talking about parenting, especially from the lens of being new parents. Dr. Tatkin co-authored the book Baby Bomb, which dives deep into the nuances of new parenting and the effects it has on the couple's relationship dynamic. Couples are often unprepared for the challenges of parenthood and lack a solid foundation in their relationship. Dr. Tatkin covers topics like disagreements in parenting style, embracing the change in sexual dynamics, and how to master communication and connection. Whether you've got a babe on the way, are a new parent, or are interested in learning how to parent better - this episode is a MUST listen! Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is a clinician, researcher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He is the best-selling author of In Each Other's Care (4/25), along with the relationship must-have book, Wired for Love. Dr. Tatkin speaks and teaches around the world on how to understand, create and sustain secure-functioning relationships. He helps couples create healthy attachments and secure-functioning relationships based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. In addition to his robust clinical practice in Calabasas, California, Dr. Tatkin and Tracey lead couples through Wired For Love Couple Retreats -- both online and in person across the United States and Europe.    —Dr. Tatkin's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/ —The PACT Institute Website: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ Themes: Authenticity, Belonging, Parenting, New Parents, Relationships, Boundaries, Attachment Theory, Transformation, Conflict, Mental Health, Psychology 0:00:00 Intro 0:10:57 Co-regulating Practices for Improved Communication and Connection 0:14:16 Challenges in Modern Times: Distractions, Isolation, and Lack of Support 0:16:41 Fighting for Two Winners: The Concept of Win-Win in Relationships 0:19:07 Navigating Disagreements in Parenting Styles 0:21:12 Parenting: Collaborative and ever-evolving 0:23:11 Taking charge of parenting, creating something entirely different 0:27:00 Understanding intimacy and embracing change in sexual dynamics 0:29:02 Growing up, accepting losses, and deepening intimacy in relationships 0:30:57 Embracing the opportunity to become a better couple through parenting 0:33:25 Profound Insights on Communication Struggles and Self-awareness 0:35:23 The Humaneness of Communication: An Opportunity for Growth This episode is sponsored by: —BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/GROVES —SafeSleeve: Use code GROVES10 for 10% off sitewide at safesleevecases.com Drop us a note at podcast@markgroves.com for sponsor product support, questions, comments, guest suggestions, or just to say hello!

*Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD* Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin has served as the director of various philanthropic family foundations over three decades. In addition to her leadership roles, she has been involved at the ground level of humanitarian efforts worldwide. Tracey is co-founder of the PACT Institute. *Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT* Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, Dr. Tatkin teaches at UCLA, maintains a private practice in Southern California, and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. In this episode of Mother the Mother: * The benefits of youth volunteerism * Ways to be of service with your family * The decline in our society’s sense of community * Attachment theory & how the PACT Institute came to be * Creating agreements in your relationship * Reducing overwhelm & decision-fatigue through movement This show is supported by : * BLUblox | Head over to blublox.com/MTM ( https://www.blublox.com/MTM ) for 15% off your pair of BLUblox glasses. * ClearStem | Visit clearstemskincare.com/ ( https://clearstemskincare.com/ ) and enter code MTM at checkout for $10 off of product orders. For 15% off of their Ditch Your Acne course, visit clearstem-skincare.mykajabi.com/custom-homepage ( https://clearstem-skincare.mykajabi.com/custom-homepage ) and use code MTM  Resources: * Learn more: thepactinstitute.com ( https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ ) Robert Putnam – Bowling Alone and other civic engagement information: * Robertdputnam.com ( http://robertdputnam.com/ ) Where children can donate gently used stuffed animals and books and toys: * nationalcasagal.org ( https://nationalcasagal.org/ ) Following are organizations families can donate to projects: * grameenamerica.org ( https://www.grameenamerica.org/ ) * kiva.org ( https://www.kiva.org/ ) * habitat.org ( https://www.habitat.org/ ) * heifer.org ( https://www.heifer.org/ ) * tenthousandvillages.com ( https://www.tenthousandvillages.com/ ) Family volunteer opportunities: * about.usps.com/holidaynews/operation-santa.htm ( https://about.usps.com/holidaynews/operation-santa.htm ) * thepeopleconcern.org/volunteer.php ( https://www.thepeopleconcern.org/volunteer.php ) * healthebay.org ( https://healthebay.org/ ) This show is produced by Soulfire Productions ( http://soulfireproductionsco.com/ )