Join us for fun and substantive discussions on how to make human relationships awesome in the 21st century. Now with 30% more wisecracks and tangents! If you've got a brain AND a heart, you're going to like this.
The final episode on John Gottman's research on marriage and divorce, where we continue our discussion on conflict within close relationships. We talk about the inevitability as well as potential value of conflict, the art of the soft startup when broaching difficult topics, the peril of the fight-or-flight response when things get heated (and the virtue of taking a break), Gordon B. Hinckley's favorite hymn, and so much more!
A continuation of our discussion of John Gottman's research on marriage and divorce. We discuss what conflict looks like in marriage and other relationships, how healthy friendship can make conflict a lot less disastrous, and what can be done to approach conflict constructively. In the process, Viviana makes a nice analogy about cooking brownies and having all the ingredients for a good relationship, Bryce makes a few allusions to murder as a deal-breaker, and Paul reveals lessons learned from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
We continue our discussion on John Gottman's video on predictors of success and failure in marriage (and other relationships). This time, we focus more on the role of communication and making and responding to each other's bids. Bryce makes a terrible pun about yoga. Viviana relates slot machines to human communication. Paul invokes calculus to describe the pain inflicted by leading someone on versus directly rejecting them. We discuss when ghosting is ok, and when it's an utterly jerk move, the role of family upbringing and agency, and lots of other juicy stuff!
A continuation of our discussion of John Gottman's research on success in marriage, this time focused on his scientific findings on how friendship operates in close relationships. We start by reviewing the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, throwing in some Nacho Libre and Adventure Time references for good measure. Then we delve into the 3 aspects of friendship: building love maps (something men - and sometimes women - fail to do on dates!), expressing fondness and admiration, and responding to each others' bids for connection.
A continuation of our discussion on John Gottman's research on the clear predictors of divorce (or other relationship failures), and what we can do to prevent it, and enjoy happy, sustainable relationships instead. We go into more detail on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Defensiveness, Disrespect and Contempt, and Stonewalling.
We have a lively discussion on John Gottman's findings from his famous "Love Labs", as presented in this excellent video. Frankly one of the most relationally-relevant discussions we've had yet (whatever one's marital status - these same dynamics exist in all types of relationships), we discuss Gottman's findings on positivity vs. negativity in a relationship, 3 of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse which strongly predict divorce, and how Masters and Disasters navigate them more and less constructively. (apologies for occasional audio issues)
Probably the best episode we've recorded in 2020! We have a robust and lively discussion about M. Gawain Wells' article "Breaking Up Without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn't End in Marriage", which, despite being a bit of an old article, nevertheless contains a lot of key insights into the common red flags found in relationships, issues to be aware of, and ideas for moving on in a healthy way. We also discuss rejections, as well as the ways in which dating has changed since the time of the article's writing (apps, front-loaded "pre-dating", more complicated lives and expectations). Viviana joins us again to share many great insights, Bryce subconsciously smacks his lips loudly when figuring out what to say next, and Paul admits he didn't read the article but read many other relevant articles.
After so many setbacks - our own personal ones, as well as the world's - we're back, and with a new guest, Viviana, and a new perspective to include. Join us as we come out of the closet...as Latter-day Saints! This time, we discuss the rise of the "identity marriage", the decline of marriage rates, the state of single Latter-day Saints, false cultural beliefs, the importance of both agency and accountability. As a bonus, we get on a tangent about bankruptcy :-D
We've been away for a while, but there is more coming down the pipeline, so hang in there everybody, and stay safe!
Rising from the ashes, Paul and Bryce are back! We talk briefly about Bryce's forearms, then delve into a lively discussion about Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life, particularly his first chapter on lobsters, success/defeat, serotonin, depression, and what we can do to stand up straight and confidently face and improve our circumstances.
Special guest Shayla joins us again to discuss how our own crap gets in the way of loving and being loved, and what we can do about it (emphasis on the do!). First, we again imagine what it's like to have the burden of being highly attractive people (and why their dating app profiles are so boring), Shayla confirms that women do, in fact, care a lot about men's physical attractiveness (but it carries relatively less weight overall than it does for men), and Bryce takes responsibility for his past poor dress and grooming (sorry, ladies! I look much better now :-D ) After that, we dive into the topic of how our internal obstacles, wounds, and general shortcomings play a significant role in our ability, or inability, to love others and be loved by them. We emphasize how real progress cannot be achieved without first taking responsibility for our entire role (the good as well as the bad) in our relationships and circumstances, and then honestly evaluating and doing something disciplined and productive to improve. We discuss how even people without severely traumatic experiences nevertheless have psychic wounds and emotional clutter which hinder our relationships (but can be healed and de-cluttered). Paul expresses the importance of being kinder to ourselves. We also draw from the insights of Katherine Woodward Thomas in her book, Calling in the One, who describes the "solid sense of self" that prepares us to have healthy relationships, and our capacity (and responsibility) to craft and adjust our own mental constructs about our identities. Additionally, we discuss the practical advice offered in Jordan Peterson's video, Fix Yourself, related to having an honest dialogue with ourselves about our role - and positive potential! - in our circumstances.
Special guests Amber and Jessica join us for a jolly conversation about initiating in friendship and in dating. We learn a little bit about the Kardashian family, Jessica's favorite color (leopard print), the fundamentals of being engaging and inviting with pre-friends, the tragedy of mutual interest without initiative, and cultural norms about initiation (the US is more gender-egalitarian about initiation). We discuss research findings on the types of methods of initiation: not surprisingly, direct initiation is most effective, while waiting passively is least effective; men and women can be equally successful at initiating, but men generally prefer direct methods, while women generally favor indirect methods; teasing and joking tend to only lead to short-term flings; having resources comes across as attractive, while flaunting them can be a turn-off; being passive mostly only works for those who are "extremely attractive" (a trait that comes with big advantages AND big disadvantages). That and so much more!
We discuss a critical topic in human relationships: the two fundamental languages of logic and emotion, and how to speak the correct language at the right time. This time, we draw from Stephen Covey's excellent The Spiritual Roots of Human Relations as we delve into the intricacies of effective and ineffective human communication, how not to escalate conflicts with our communication, and especially how to recognize and empathize with the current emotional (or non-emotional) state of others.
We get fired up as we cover a lot of ground regarding the role of risk, regret, and reward in personal growth and especially our relationships. But first, Bryce talks about women at the gym, Paul talks about law firm mascots, and we both talk about our friend whose mistake of going to law school was the most freeing bad decision of his life. We talk about humankind's high sensitivity to loss (more sensitive than to gains, even), and bias towards risk aversion, as well as the critical importance of taking informed, courageous Risks to pursue greater Rewards and avoid Regrets.
This time, we take a break from talking about the Other Cold War to explore the influence of siblings - for good or for ill - on us as children and even as adults. Paul and Bryce discuss an argument they had prior to recording, and how, according to research, their sibling-filled upbringings may have helped them manage the conflict effectively. We talk about family micro-cultures, how younger siblings will model their behaviors on older siblings (for better or for worse), how having older siblings can grant certain relational advantages, and the lasting effects of family dynamics on each of us far into adulthood. If you grew up with siblings, you probably got a lot of practice managing (or, so often, failing to manage) conflict; if you had no siblings, you probably got more opportunity to develop your language and current events abilities.
We continue our episode on the role of attraction in the dating world with fellow podcasters Steph and Tracy. Paul tells us about the time he was floored by friendliness in college. Steph tells us about her very specific tastes (men who wear hats and do accounting), Tracy discusses her more broad tastes (men with emotional intelligence and growth mindsets). Bryce makes the point that being appealing to others (within healthy bounds) is actually an important aspect of empathy. We discuss the role of humor in attractiveness, and how men are more likely to try to be funny (with mixed results!). Also, we delve into one of women's deep, dark secrets about attraction - that it's important to them more than they want to admit - and discuss scientific findings on how attraction is a necessary, but not a sufficient, condition for a successful romantic relationship (and beyond a certain threshold, attractiveness has diminishing returns :-O ). Check out Steph's podcasts: http://www.notablepeeps.com/ http://www.utahfanclub.org/ Check out Tracy's podcast: https://thyneighborpodcast.podbean.com/
Returning guest Steph and new first-time guest Tracy join us for a continuation of our series on The Other Cold War, our metaphor for how single people fail to engage with each other, and we begin an engaging conversation on the topic of attractiveness in the single's world. We discuss "chemistry", physical and non-physical types of attraction, choice in our attraction, gender differences in attraction (such as how physical attraction, in practice, is as important to women as it is to men, but women don't like to admit it), and all sorts of other juicy topics. Check out Steph's podcasts: http://www.notablepeeps.com/ http://www.utahfanclub.org/ Check out Tracy's podcast, too! https://thyneighborpodcast.podbean.com/
The thrilling conclusion of our episode on gender differences, with special guest Shayla. Brace yourself for laughs and fascinating insights!
After several weeks away, we're back with our most power-packed episode yet! Returning - and newly engaged! - special guest Shayla joins us as we introduce a new metaphor for the modern landscape of disengagement in human relationships - The Other Cold War - and then discuss what modern science and technology have revealed about gender differences rooted in physiology, and how those differences affect our relationships. Prepare to have your thoughts provoked!
I can confidently say this is one of our best episodes yet! We explore various topics related to that most precious of psychological resources, confidence! We cover a lot of ground: cultural cues of friendliness, positive reinforcement, internal and external obstacles to confidence, depression and anxiety, how confidence is like a muscle, the Cognitive Triangle, self-image and Psycho-cybernetics, affirmations and self-talk, qualities of those most successful in escaping singleness (hint: physical attractiveness isn't the most important), and how cologne subconsciously improves men's confidence.
We discuss recent findings on the importance of fathers, with special guest Paul's nephew Dallin! We get about 50% more personal than usual this time around, too.
Episode 14! We welcome back the Nickersons who help us discuss the finer details of "Judging" vs. "Perceiving" and how that can affect relationships for good and ill. Cloud the dog obediently listens in silence with nary a comment. Enjoy!
More about Myers Briggs - this time we delve into Thinking vs. Feeling with guest hosts the Nickersons (and dog Cloud)!
We continue our discussion of Myers-Briggs, going over the first of the main cognitive functions - obtaining information - which Myers-Briggs breaks down into intuiting vs. sensing. Guest host Shayla joins us again, enjoy!
We continue our discussion of Myers-Briggs, going over extraversion and introversion. Guest host Shayla joins us again, enjoy!
We give an intro to Myers Briggs typology, tell a few stories, and crack a few jokes. Paul tries to wax philosophical on God's personality type, but Bryce puts the kibosh on that! All around, a great episode!
The dramatic conclusion to our discussion on fear, where we further explore the role of fear in relationships. Lots of personal stories, and other juicy content! We consider how some concerns may actually be less about the emotion of fear than about rational risk management. Steph recounts her stint as a successful matchmaker, and how it helped her overcome some of her own dating fears. She introduces us to some important classifications of single people: beautiful people, interesting ducks, and dirty pervs. Bryce laments men's general tendency towards creepiness (sometimes his own!). Paul shares a deep story from his personal dating history, as well as a Cold War analogy for why men and women don't put themselves out there more. Bryce shares his own story of facing his fears, especially in dating, and Steph admits she sometimes subconsciously sabotages her own dating efforts (don't we all). Paul shares his skepticism about Marianne Williamson's famous quote ("Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.") and Steph defends its validity. All of that, and much more! Our special guest Steph Shoell can also be heard on her excellent podcasts: http://www.notablepeeps.com/ and http://www.utahfanclub.org/
"Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us? How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships? It's funny isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear?" - Robert California from "The Office" This time, we are joined by special guest Steph Shoell, creator of the excellent Notable Peeps and Utah Fan Club podcasts! See: http://www.notablepeeps.com/ and http://www.utahfanclub.org/ We recap the previous episode about technology and relationships, then Bryce shares the latest and most thrilling news from his life: his boring drive to Oregon, his nephews' love of Minecraft, and his dislodged molar crown. Paul admits he doesn't like scary movies, Steph recalls a brilliantly creepy prank her sister played on her, and then we dive into the role of fear in our lives: how it can protect us from the perceived threat of harm and disappointment, and how it can hold us back from bigger successes and happier lives. Paul relates how his friends give him bad information about his height, Steph points out how fears in dating can become self-fulfilling, and Paul and Bryce have an awkward moment about their secret real-life ages. Stay tuned for Part 2 next time!
This time we had a special guest: our good and awesome friend Shayla! We take some time to recap loneliness and to consider the sobering new findings on suicide in the US, then discuss theater and whether there is a gender difference in its appreciation (the linked article indicates that there is). Then we discuss the downsides and upsides of technology and the virtual world in regards to human relationships. Lots of talk about Facebook, text messaging, platitudes, platypi, Paul's love of octopuses, how video games enhance Bryce's bortherly bonding, and lots of profound Shayla-thoughts. Women attend theater more than men: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-gunderson/theatres-audiences-are-ma_b_1388150.html
This time we had a special guest: our good and awesome friend Shayla! We take some time to recap loneliness and to consider the sobering new findings on suicide in the US, then discuss theater and whether there is a gender difference in its appreciation (the linked article indicates that there is). Then we discuss the downsides and upsides of technology and the virtual world in regards to human relationships. Lots of talk about Facebook, text messaging, platitudes, platypi, Paul's love of octopuses, how video games enhance Bryce's bortherly bonding, and lots of profound Shayla-thoughts. Women attend theater more than men: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-gunderson/theatres-audiences-are-ma_b_1388150.html
Probably our soberest, least funny episode yet! Paul and Bryce do a late-night recording (consequently, Bryce is more tired and less boisterous than usual), Bryce wonders why women like theater more than men, and we speak favorably of dancing's ability to bring women and men together in culturally acceptable ways. Then we discuss the increasing atomization of American society and the loneliness epidemic, interspersed with Paul's and Bryce's Oregon Trail recollections, and parrot stories from Paul. Link to the story on NPR: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/05/01/606588504/americans-are-a-lonely-lot-and-young-people-bear-the-heaviest-burden
We discuss the most important math equation for creating great relationships, something all relationship-minded single people MUST seriously consider (and if they don't, they forfeit their right to complain ;-D ). But before then, we get an update on trends in arranged marriages, Paul reveals the "best" Supreme Court Justice, and Ben Franklin speaks from the grave about the downside of relational choice. We consider the male thrill of the hunt as apex predators, and whether there is a female analogue (apex nurturers?). We also discuss Carol Dweck's growth mindset concept in the context of single people.
Paul waxes eloquent on Puritan courtship, and Bryce stumbles out of his shawarma coma to talk about cultural factors behind US singleness. We consider the upsides of arranged marriages, discuss the implications of a record-low US fertility rate, and talk about wayyy more Fiddler on the Roof than listeners expect from a podcast.
After an incredible new intro theme song, we recap the previous episode, Tony Robbins makes a return appearance, and Bryce talks about delicious food. Bryce and Paul have a dramatic reconciliation following a "tense" conflict, and we discuss more about expectations, and long-term vs. short-term considerations in dating relationships (SPOILER: both time frames are important!).
We recap the previous episode, then talk about expectations, Tony Robbins, and how both "good" and "bad" upbringings alike can mess with our relationships. Also, we learn a thing or two about rhesus monkeys. An interesting article we referenece in this episode is found here: https://stanmed.stanford.edu/2017spring/how-mens-and-womens-brains-are-different.html
Welcome to the first episode! We talk about space exploration, how men and women differ in their relational needs, and - for no particular reason - landmines.
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