Podcasts about gottman

This week, Traci welcomes Kelly McGinnis, certified Gottman educator, emotion coach, and CEO of Incredible Family—an organization committed to unleashing potential in working parents through developing strengths.With over 20 years of experience educating and empowering families, Kelly shares her own journey through the abrupt transition to motherhood with three daughters and how it ignited her passion for helping working parents thrive without choosing between career and family.Spoiler alert: The odds are stacked against working parents—but there's a science-backed way to flip the script.Kelly reveals why our brains are hardwired for negativity, the shocking happiness curve research that shows when life satisfaction hits rock bottom, and the one simple strategy organizations can implement that creates ripple effects across engagement, productivity, and retention.Plus, she shares a powerful story about how unlocking one mom's hidden strength not only kept a valuable employee from leaving but sparked an entirely new mentorship program.What We Cover:The "motherhood penalty" and why becoming a parent happens at the worst possible career momentWhy happiness levels plummet when we become working parents (and what causes that dip)How to break the negativity cycle by shifting to a strengths-based philosophyThe dual reality principle: Why two contradictory things can be true at onceWhy working parents make exceptional leaders (hint: parenting and leadership run parallel)The research-backed reason community is the #1 way to support working parentsHow to navigate the return-to-work transition and view parenthood as a series of transitionsThe "pebble in the pond" impact: How small shifts create massive organizational changeKey Quote: "Culture will emerge 'by design or default,' and organizations end up paying the price either way. You can invest intentionally upfront or deal with costly damage control later." – Kelly McGinnisFREE GIFT: Email Kelly at kelly@incrediblefamily.com and mention this podcast to receive a free code for the parent strengths assessment!Connect with Kelly:Email: kelly@incrediblefamily.com LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/kelly-mcginnis-ifi Website: incrediblefamily.com  Connect with Traci here: https://linktr.ee/HRTraci Disclaimer: Thoughts, opinions, and statements made on this podcast are not a reflection of the thoughts, opinions, and statements of the Company by whom Traci Chernoff is actively employed.Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products or services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

In Part 3 of our Four Horsemen series, we dive into contempt, the most dangerous predictor of relationship breakdown. Kat breaks down what contempt sounds like, why it’s referred to as “relational poison,” and how it impacts both emotional and even physical health. Most importantly, we go over the antidote from Dr. Gottman: building a culture of admiration and respect. Plus, Amy’s Feeling of the Day is sad, but it’s giving her some helpful information about herself and her relationship. Sign up for the Feeling Things newsletter HERE! Watch us on Youtube HERE! Call and leave a voicemail: 877-207-2077 Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com HOSTS: Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy Kat Van Buren // threecordstherapy.com // @KatVanburenSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This episode originally aired on May 3, 2021 (Episode 244), and I'm bringing it back because so many of you told me how much it resonated. If you've ever struggled with a partner who shuts down or found yourself withdrawing, this one's worth revisiting. Whether you're navigating it now, reflecting on the past, or supporting someone you love, I hope it brings clarity and hope. Few things hurt more than reaching for your partner and being met with silence. In this episode, I'm unpacking why people shut down, how it damages connection, and what you can do to change the pattern. We'll look at the pursue-withdraw cycle, Gottman's “Four Horsemen,” and why emotional safety is the key to breaking through. You'll learn how to soften your approach, communicate vulnerably, and rebuild trust - while also considering when it's time to stop chasing and start filling your own cup.  As you listen, think about how you usually respond when your partner withdraws and what effect that has. Consider what might change if you focused more on creating safety than on pushing for answers. And ask yourself where you could begin creating fulfillment in your own life, instead of waiting for your partner to engage. Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Introduction & Why Partners Shut Down 06:00 The Pursue-Withdraw Cycle in Relationships 11:04 The Impact of Withdrawal and Avoidance 13:01 Gottman's Four Horsemen & The Cost of Stonewalling 15:12 Why Withdrawal Happens & When It's About More Than You 20:40 Creating Emotional Safety and Communicating Vulnerably 28:04 Positive Reinforcement, Diplomacy & Patience 36:10 Filling Your Own Cup & Breaking the Chase Cycle If you'd like more support as you work on these skills, check out my Communication That Connects Free Training. It's designed to help you move out of conflict loops and into conversations that bring you closer, and it comes with a workbook to guide you through the process. You can also take my How Healthy Is Your Relationship? Quiz for quick insight into what's working well and where you might want to focus your growth. Let's stay connected beyond the podcast. I share more tools and encouragement every week on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. And I'd love to hear from you if this episode sparked a question, gave you an idea for a future topic, or made you think about your relationship in a new way - let's talk! And a special thank you to the sponsor of today's episode: Headway. I love reading and learning, but I don't always have time to sit down with a book. The Headway app makes it easy to keep growing with bite-sized summaries of the best titles out there, and I use it almost every day. If you'd like to try it, you can save 25% at makeheadway.com/lhs with the promo code LHS. Let's keep learning and growing together.

Today, Dan & Stephanie try to cover a difficult topic using stories that can happen with neurodiverse couples and weaving in the story of Elizabeth Holmes/ Theranos after seeing the documentary on HBO Max about remembering differently, different priorities, and lying to oneself. Often, the couple remembers something differently (more often than not) and gets stuck in the weeds on whether a fact is true or not true instead of solving the actual problem or coming up with a future solution from hindsight learning. Many of our couples get stuck in what is sin, what is a lie, when is this a character flaw or issue? Stephanie began the discussion by setting up some Gottman research that states 69% of couples' issues are perpetual and unsolvable, so what do you do?In neurodiverse couples, you can guarantee that you will remember situations and events differently.You can count on the two of you to have different perspectives and priorities- what do you do?Looking at the definition of a lie:General Definition:A lie is generally defined as a false statement made with the intent to deceive someone.It involves making a statement that the speaker knows to be untrue, to cause the listener to believe it is true.Lies involve the intention to deceive or omit something so as not to have a penalty or consequence.What to do? After listening to the documentary The Inventor: Out for Blood in Silicon Valley, Dan and Stephanie arrive at different places where they believe Elizabeth Holmes (no relation) is lying with intent. Is she lying to herself? Stuck in dreams or expectations that will never be? Lying to others? What do you think?What do you do when you remember differently and need to solve a problem, or you have differences and wants and needs and priorities?Dan and Stephanie also talk about the perspective gap and learning from it, and how to stay relational when you disagree.An older podcast called Stuck in the Weeds is mentioned- you can find that here:https://www.spreaker.com/episode/stuck-in-the-weeds-communication-collaboration-misfires--64597917 Find the entire catalog here:https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/neurodiverse-christian-couples--4992356or from our home pagewww.christianneurodiversemarriage.com Find out what courses are available at www.holmesasr.com

Humillar “para que aprenda” no solo hiere: empobrece decisiones, resultados y cultura. Hablamos de cómo el maltrato se contagia en las reuniones, por qué el ostracismo (ignorar) duele como dolor físico y qué hacer para crear seguridad psicológica y conversaciones valientes. También abrimos un espacio de Comunicación No Violenta y automaltrato: ese jefe interior que nos habla con desprecio.Te llevas:Evidencia clave (Porath & Erez; Porath & Pearson; Riskin et al.; Edmondson; Gottman; Engert; Harold & Sellers).5 reglas para reuniones sin humillación: disentir sin ridiculizar, turnos, para & repara, preguntas genuinas y contraste de supuestos/objeciones con datos, y revisión final.Guiones prácticos de CNV para parar el maltrato sin incendiar.Herramientas para desactivar el autolátigo y aumentar la calma.Si este episodio te sirvió, compártelo con tu equipo.Si quieres saber más de Ángel López puedes ver su Instagram @vivirconangel y su web www.vivirconangel.com y apuntarte a su newsletter donde manda información actualizada y muchas reflexiones para entender que “la vida es otra cosa”.

Send us a textAre you and your spouse more “roommates” than romantic partners? You're not alone, cultural shifts and daily life pressures are making emotional distance a real threat to modern marriages. In Episode 102 Matthew & Monica Powers unpack why couples drift apart, what the research actually says about connection (and divorce), and, most importantly, practical, faith-friendly steps to rebuild an unstoppable “we.”You'll hear:Why missing the small moments (Gottman's “bids for connection”) predicts relationship outcomes and how small turns-toward beat grand gestures. How shifting from “soulmate” expectations to a growth mindset helps you grow together instead of apart.Concrete, everyday exercises to find each other again: state-of-the-union meetings, intentional micro-moments, value alignment, and a better definition of self-care.Real couple stories from our lives (and the podcast mic) that make the tough work feel doable — not doom-and-gloom.Plus: we break down what major research says about marriage trends and why this moment matters for couples today. If this episode lands for you, comment, DM us, or share — tell us one small thing you'll do this week to “turn toward” your partner. Want a resource list or worksheet for your State-of-the-Union meeting? Hit reply and we'll send it.The Dom Sub Living BDSM and Kink PodcastCurious about Dominance & submission? Real stories, real fun, really kinky.Listen on: Apple Podcasts Spotify

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2738: Heather Gray highlights how honoring a partner's needs strengthens intimacy and builds emotional security. By choosing acceptance over resistance, couples foster respect, reduce power struggles, and create lasting connection. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-you-need-to-accept-your-partners-needs/ Quotes to ponder: "Accepting your partner's needs is a way of showing respect for them and the relationship." "When both partners are willing to accept influence, they are more likely to find win-win solutions." "Rejecting influence is essentially rejecting your partner." Episode references: Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love: https://www.amazon.com/Eight-Dates-Essential-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/1523504463 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is the start of a 4 part series of Amy and Kat unpacking Dr. John Gottman’s famous ‘Four Horsemen of the apocalypse’ for relationships which has helped him be able to predict the failure or success of a relationship with a 90% accuracy rate. Part 1 is Criticism, the one that often shows up first and sets the tone for conflict. Amy has her own issues with getting defensive and even gets her boyfriend on the phone to confirm. Kat explains why criticism is different from a simple complaint, how it sneaks in through exaggeration, “should” statements, jokes, and tone, and why it can actually be a clumsy bid for connection. You’ll learn Gottman’s antidote, the Gentle Start-Up, with clear “I feel / I need” examples to help you express concerns without blame. Whether you’re married, dating, or navigating family and friendships, this episode will help you spot criticism early and swap it for communication that keeps relationships strong. Feeling of the Day: Angry (and Kat has every right to be!) Listen next week for: Defensiveness (Part 2 of How Relationships Begin to End: The Four Horseman) Watch us on Youtube HERE! Call and leave a voicemail: 877-207-2077 Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com HOSTS: Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy Kat Van Buren // threecordstherapy.com // @KatVanburenSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Two of the leading voices in relationship wisdom are John and Julie Gottman. They are the founders of the Gottman institute and the subsequent Love Lab. While their research focuses mainly on romantic relationships, I believe their wisdom applies to any relationship. This week, I teach you 3 simple ways to strengthen any relationship--learned from the Gottman's book, "The Love Prescription." Buy your copy of It Just Takes One on Amazon here. Write a review here. Sign up for weekly inspiration here. 

In this episode, we explore the quiet but corrosive role that negativity plays in relationships — not just through conflict, but in the subtle daily ruptures that erode trust, intimacy, and emotional safety over time. Drawing from Gottman's research, IMAGO relationship theory, and nervous system science, we unpack how negativity can show up emotionally, cognitively, physiologically, relationally, existentially, spiritually, and systemically. We challenge the idea that discomfort is always harmful, clarify the difference between harmful negativity and constructive truth-telling, and offer clear practices for eliminating negative patterns without falling into toxic positivity. This is about creating a sacred, secure space between you and your partner. A space where where truth can be spoken, pain can be repaired, and connection can grow.All of my links are here.

Ever feel like your arguments could use a referee? *Pre-negotiated timeouts have entered the chat.* The girls chat the relationship hack backed by psychology (and yes, Gottman's legendary Love Lab) that helps couples cool off without checking out.In this episode of Get Psyched, we explore how a simple “time out” can actually make your love life stronger:

In this week's episode of The Workplace Podcast, William Corless sits down with Dr. Karen Bridbord — licensed psychologist, Gottman-certified couples therapist, and author of The Relationship-Driven Leader. Karen blends cutting-edge psychology with organisational behaviour to show how leaders can strengthen workplace relationships for better productivity, resilience, and wellbeing. From navigating conflict to building trust, Karen offers powerful tools every leader can use to transform team dynamics.

In this episode of the Music and Therapy podcast Keana explains how repair attempts are small but powerful gestures that help de-escalate tension and reconnect emotionally. She shares:

Episode 370 reviews Dr. John Medina's insights from Brain Rules and explores how neuroscience and social-emotional learning combine to improve teaching, learning, and well-being. Key takeaways: teachers need basic neuroscience to support learning; the emotional stability of the home strongly shapes a child's resilience and confidence; and children build resilience when adults co-regulate and model healthy emotion management during high-emotion moments. This short review highlights practical steps for educators, parents, and leaders to apply brain-based strategies and SEL to boost student outcomes and lifelong skills. EP 370 covers a review of Dr. John Medina's Brain Rules, from EP 42 (February 2020)  We learned: ✔ If education is about the brain, then teachers need to understand how the brain learns best. ✔ A child's resilience and confidence are deeply tied to the emotional climate of the home. ✔  Children build resilience not in calm moments, but in how parents (or caregivers) respond when emotions run high. Welcome back to SEASON 14 of The Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning Podcast, where we connect the science-based evidence behind social and emotional learning and emotional intelligence training for improved well-being, achievement, productivity and results—using what I saw as the missing link (since we weren't taught this when we were growing up in school), the application of practical neuroscience. I'm Andrea Samadi, and seven years ago, launched this podcast with a question I had never truly asked myself before: (and that is) If productivity and results matter to us—and they do now more than ever—how exactly are we using our brain to make them happen? Most of us were never taught how to apply neuroscience to improve productivity, results, or well-being. About a decade ago, I became fascinated by the mind-brain-results connection—and how science can be applied to our everyday lives. That's why I've made it my mission to bring you the world's top experts—so together, we can explore the intersection of science and social-emotional learning. We'll break down complex ideas and turn them into practical strategies we can use every day for predictable, science-backed results. Episode 370: Brain Rules and the Future of Learning For today's Episode 370[i], we continue our journey into the mind with our next interview review—Dr. John Medina, author of the well-known book Brain Rules. We first featured Dr. Medina in EP 42, when we explored “Implementing Brain Rules in Schools and Workplaces of the Future.” To remind you where we began with our interview review series: We opened with EP 366[ii], diving into speaker Bob Proctor's timeless principles. Bob was the very first person—over 25 years ago—who challenged me with the question, “What do you really want to do with your life?” At the time, I didn't have a clear answer. It's taken well over 25 years now for this clarity to evolve. Eventually, I realized what mattered most to me: and that was bringing social and emotional learning (SEL) skills into schools. I had already seen how these skills—once called “soft skills”—transformed the lives of 12 teenagers I worked with in the motivational speaking industry in the late 1990s. Later, I watched as SEL spread into schools across states and countries, until the research became undeniable. A 2011 meta-analysis of 213 studies confirmed what I had seen firsthand a decade before this study was released: students who participated in SEL programs showed an 11-percentile-point increase in academic performance[iii] compared to control groups. That's a significant improvement, demonstrating just how powerful SEL can be. Long before this research, I simply knew these skills could shape the future of the next generation. This podcast itself was built around the six core SEL competencies—each explored in its own dedicated episode that you can find in our resource section in the show notes. Then came the next step: adding the lens of neuroscience. I realized that everything we were studying in SEL connected back to how the brain works. My deep dive into what I called “Neuroscience 101” began when an educator handed me a stack of books that opened my eyes to the importance of brain science in education. From those early hand-drawn sketches grew the framework that still guides this podcast today—bridging SEL and neuroscience to make learning both practical and powerful.   Which brings us to today's review: Episode 370, where we revisit Dr. John Medina. At the heart of this conversation is the very question that launched my journey years ago: What happens when we connect social and emotional learning with neuroscience? How can understanding the brain not only improve results and productivity, but also better equip our next generation of students in the classroom? It was John Medina's Brain Rules that first landed on my bookshelf back in 2009. And to be honest—it just sat there for a while. I wasn't ready yet. As Dr. Medina himself has said, this kind of learning can't be forced. You need a strong why to really dive into the mind–brain connection. For me, that why came later, when I realized how deeply understanding the brain could impact learning, teaching, and even life itself. If you're following along with this podcast, I imagine you've had a similar moment—when the connection between the brain and practical neuroscience suddenly made sense and became something worth pursuing. I'm always curious about what that moment looks like for others—what it is that makes this topic click. For me, it became clear during my very first presentation on this subject in November 2017, at a conference for the York Region School District in Toronto. The topic I was in charge of presenting was Stress, Learning, and the Brain, and the room was so full it was standing room only. This was after just three years of studying the topic myself, and when I first opened up David Souza's How the Brain Learns Series, I honestly thought this topic was over my head, and too difficult for me to understand, let alone having me teach it to others. But once there is a strong why, the way will be shown. And that day, when I saw how many people showed up to learn the topic, I knew this was the field I wanted to dedicate the rest of my life to—continuing to learn, and helping others understand and apply to their lives. VIDEO 1 Click Here to Watch Now that you know where this mind-brain connection began for me, I hope you can gain clarity with why it's so important to you. Important enough that you are tuning into this podcast to learn more. Wouldn't you know it—understanding this WHY with the brain-mind connection to thrive at home, work and school and with sport is exactly what Dr. John Medina said to me during our interview back in February 2020. If you click the link in the show notes, you can watch VIDEO 1, where he explains: “I believe that the cognitive neurosciences should be at the table of education training. Before you get a Bachelor Degree in Education, you have to have a fair degree of neuroscience. And it's a very specific slice—it's the kind of neuroscience that says: this is what we know about how the brain learns. Because teachers are in charge of that. It blows me away sometimes—I look at the Colleges of Education: if you're in the Geology Department, you study rocks. If you go to Medical School, you study humans. You could argue that the world of education is all about studying the brain. Where are the courses that say—‘This is how memory works. This is how we get someone to pay attention. This is what visual processing looks like.'” Dr. Medina is 100% right. When I went through teacher training at The University of Toronto, courses like this weren't offered. Fast forward to today, and my daily work now focuses on supporting educators with the Science of Reading—a body of research that, much like SEL, took decades to gain traction but is finally reshaping classrooms and teacher training, impacting how we teach our next generation of students to read. Of course, this knowledge can't just be forced on us. It's not easy material—it requires effort to learn. But if you're listening to this podcast each week, it's because you're curious. You're willing to dig into concepts that, until recently, were reserved for medical students. That's how Dr. Douglas Fisher gained his insights into how the brain learns best. As he told me in EP 161[iv], How Learning Works: Translating the Science of Learning into Strategies for Maximum Learning in Your Classroom, he actually sat in classes with medical students to develop a deeper understanding of brain-based learning—knowledge we were never given in traditional teacher training. Key Point from Video Clip 1 from John Medina

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2715: Kyle Benson highlights three subtle yet destructive betrayals, emotional cheating, conditional love, and emotional withdrawal, that often go unrecognized in committed relationships. By exploring how everyday disloyalties erode trust and intimacy, he offers couples practical steps to rebuild connection and commitment before deeper damage takes hold. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-betrayals-ruin-relationships-arent-infidelity/ Quotes to ponder: "Anything that violates a committed relationship's contract of mutual trust, respect, and protection can be disastrous." "Couples that unconditionally love each other live by the motto, 'baby, when you hurt, the world stops and I listen.'" "Emotional withdrawal sets in when bids are ignored." Episode references: What Makes Love Last?: https://www.amazon.com/What-Makes-Love-Last-Betrayal/dp/1451608489 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today on One Life Radio, Dr. DeWone Bennett joins Bernadette to talk about "Things I'm Seeing In My Practice" - ‘Work Anxiety!' and how it affects us in different stages of life. Dr. Bennett gives some great advice on how to navigate and things to be aware of; like AI and how it could have an effect on your job or your career choice.Dr. Bennett has over ten years of extensive training and experience working with children, adolescents, and adults.  He holds two master's degrees and a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology.  Dr. DeWone is a Licensed Professional Counselor and counseling supervisor. Dr. Bennett has a diverse range of training and certifications as a Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (TF-CBT) EMDR and Gottman method as a couple's therapist. As well as a National Certified Counselor and Counseling Supervisor and a corporate EAP counselor and trainer.  Over the past 15 years he has focused his interest in personal development, on those struggling with emotional trauma, relationship issues, resiliency, and work-life balance.    As the owner of a group private practice in the North Dallas area, DeWone continues to provide life-altering behavioral health services and consultations. You can find and learn more about Dr. DeWone Bennett on dbennettcounseling.com.

Did you know that how you handle conflict is one of the biggest predictors of divorce? It's true. Dr. Gottman found multiple behaviors couples have in conflict that predict divorce. In this episode I discuss what those are and the top 4 conflict resolution mistakes to avoid.

Dating requires intention and skill, whether you're looking for fun or seeking a lifelong partnership. Marriage and family therapist Stacey Hubbard joins us to share her Gottman-based approach for singles navigating the relationship landscape.• Building friendship first is crucial when dating - take things slowly and watch for signs of trustworthiness• The honeymoon phase typically lasts 6-18 months with feel-good chemicals making us more trusting• Understanding the three phases of relationships: limerence (honeymoon), trust-building, and commitment• Many couples skip from honeymoon phase to commitment without properly building trust• Trust indicators include honesty, transparency, proof of alliance, ethical actions, and accountability• Develop a "positive habit of mind" by scanning for what's good rather than focusing on flaws• Successful couples dedicate at least six hours a week to their relationship• Focus on "unique value" (personality, values, interests) rather than just "mate value" (physical attraction)Check out the Lessons in Love for Singles workshop at gottman.com under the singles dropdown, or visit staceyhubbard.com for more resources.Fit, Healthy & Happy Podcast Welcome to the Fit, Healthy and Happy Podcast hosted by Josh and Kyle from Colossus...Listen on: Apple Podcasts SpotifyVisit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: Strongermarriage.org Podcast.stongermarriage.org YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@StrongerMarriageLife TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@strongermarriagelife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongermarriagelife/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage/ Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579 Dr. Dave Schramm: http://drdaveschramm.com http://drdavespeaks.com Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2694: The Gottman Editorial Team breaks down the four parenting styles based on emotional responsiveness, showing how each approach influences a child's emotional growth. Discover why emotion coaching stands apart and how tuning into your child's feelings can build stronger bonds, healthier communication, and lifelong emotional resilience. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-parenting-styles/ Quotes to ponder: "Emotion coaching parents value negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy." "Laissez-faire parents accept all emotions but fail to guide or set limits on behavior." "Disapproving parents are critical of their children's emotional expressions and may punish them for emotional displays." Episode references: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parents/dp/0684838656 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

**Special note to our listeners** Love the show? Help us keep the conversation going! Become a paid subscriber through our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Substack. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Your contributions help us continue to make content on issues related to the Asian-American, immigrant, modern parent experience.THANK YOU to our super awesome listeners who have already signed up!------------------------------------------------Now that we've all officially turned 40, we're wrapping up this series by reflecting on the lessons we've learned. Here's the TLDR of Part 1 (but of course, you'll have to listen to get the juicy bits :p ).Relationships (romantic relationships and friendships): - If someone doesn't treat you well in a relationship, the cause is roughly as likely to be their own baggage as it is yours.- Sometimes you're attracted to someone for the wrong reasons (you're projecting your issues on them, you want to "save" them)- Working on yourself and pursuing the things you want and love are probably the best path to finding a good partner.- At some point in a romantic relationship, you might want to get the Eight Dates book by Gottman and have those critical conversations before investing further.- It's ok if not everyone likes you. You can (and probably should) consider their perspectives but you don't have to be a slave to them.- Boundaries can be a form of care for yourself and others in that they keep relationships sustainable. They acknowledge that everyone has limits.- Sometimes, when you see people struggling, they may not want or need a "fix" at that time. They may need someone to just be with them, listen to them or give them space.Career and work outside of family:- Try to get more clarity early on in your real interests, goals and motivations.- A sizeable chunk of career decisions and issues (risk taking, financial considerations, building relationships with peers and senior people) may be traced back to your personal issues.

In this deep dive conversation I sit down with Dr. Eva Brown to discuss many shadow aspects that arise in her work with married couples. Eva breaks down her structured therapy system that takes couples on a journey through the roots of their personal and generational trauma in order to heal relationtional dynamics that show up in marriage.  We cover everything from childhood trauma, to addiction, to infidelity, to narcassism, to abusive patterns and how to break free from these challenges in relationship. You'll walk away with a much deeper understanding of why these patterns unfold and what you can do to fix them. .... Dr. Eva has been teaching, guiding, and mentoring individuals, couples, and families in private practice for over a decade (30,000+ hours of 1 on 1 coaching). She offers much more than the basic relationship tweak, intimacy hack or communication tip, although “all of that” is part of her work, too. Her work carries extraordinary depth so the people most attracted to her work want the whole Sha-Bang! Her magic is making all things “healthy relating” simple, easy, and tangible to contemplate and integrate overtime.  She is known for her signature methodology “Conscious Relationship Mapping™” which is woven throughout all of her offerings, including the Sacred Partners Membership. Her traditional training was completed at Nova Southeastern University where she received her master's & Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is Gottman 1 & 2 certified, and her work is both trauma and research informed.  Her mission is to help couples create a “Love Legacy” that stands the test of time, is deeply fulfilling and devoted to love. Take the 3 Types of Couples Dynamics Quiz: https://sacredlifepartners.com/couple-quiz/ Website: https://sacredlifepartners.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sacredpartners/?hl=en

Hey friends - today we're diving into something that might rattle you a little: Dr. John Gottman's research shows that 69% of the issues in a marriage are never fully resolved. Ever. So what do you do when the same fights keep showing up on repeat? Is it normal? Is it toxic? Is it you? In this podcast mini, I'm breaking down what the 69% actually means, how to spot the difference between annoying quirks and soul-crushing patterns, and what to do when your partner says they'll change… but never does. You'll walk away with gut-check questions, clarity, and maybe a permission slip or two. It's real. It's deep. And it's time to talk to my younger self.   Connect with me, I'd love any suggestions for future episodes. Email: listenupyoungerself@gmail.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/heather.solomon.14 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heatherslmn/

The real-life signs it’s time for a relationship reset plus expert advice on how to bring the spark back. In this episode, we’re diving into the subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues that it might be time to bring fresh energy back into your relationship. I’m sharing the real-life signs listeners have told me signalled they needed a reset; from quiet disconnection, to small habits that slowly chip away at closeness, along with research-backed insights and practical tips from leading relationship experts, including the Gottman's and psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams. Whether you’ve been together a few years or a few decades, this episode is a compassionate, no-judgement space to reflect, reconnect, and explore what’s possible when you decide your relationship deserves a refresh. Access EXCLUSIVE & AD FREE EPISODES here: apple.co/iam Be part of the inner circle on Sunroom @kylielately Follow me on IG @kylielately & TikTok @kylielatelySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2674: David and Constantino Khalaf explore how healthy dependence, rather than complete self-reliance, can foster deeper intimacy and emotional connection in relationships. By shifting from “I'll do it myself” to “How can we do this together?”, couples can strengthen their bonds through vulnerability, mutual influence, and intentional acts of connection. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/healthy-dependence-healthy-relationships/ Quotes to ponder: "Depending on others is part of our genetic makeup, our emotional dependence on loved ones remains strong." "Being depended on helps Constantino feel that he is appreciated and useful in our marriage rather than feeling left out or neglected." "Even if David can assert his independence, it doesn't always mean he should." Episode references: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to our REWOUND RE-RELEASE Bonus Series. These are our TOP episodes ever, so we're bringing them back as bonus video episodes. Does your partner shut down during conflict? Do conversations feel like hitting a brick wall, no matter how hard you try? You're not alone — and it's not hopeless.In this powerful re-release of one of our most-shared episodes, we explore what's really going on when one partner stonewalls, shuts down, or avoids hard conversations. We break down the psychology behind it, how to know if it's actually stonewalling (spoiler: it's not always what you think), and what to do when the person you love just… won't talk.You'll hear:An honest audio submission from a listener wrestling with this dynamic after 13 years of marriageReal Reddit stories unpacking both sides of the silencePersonal stories from our own relationship (including a toilet disaster

Affairs grab our attention. Whether it's someone in the news or a friend of a friend, we tune in, pass judgement, or quietly reflect on our own relationships. But what is it that makes cheating stories so captivating?In this episode, I talk about why we care so much about other people's affairs. I explore how unmet needs, identity, and longing can show up in relationships. I unpack what betrayal can do to a person's sense of self, why fantasy can feel easier than reality, and why some couples do try to rebuild after infidelity.This is not about sensationalism or blame. It's a real conversation about what I see in the therapy room and what can help people make sense of something painful and complicated.What I cover in this episodeWhy cheating stories hook us, even when they're not oursHow social referencing plays into our opinions on infidelityWhat betrayal can do to trust, identity, and mental healthThe messiness of defining cheating in relationshipsHow unmet needs and longing can fuel emotional or physical affairsWhat it can look like to recover as an individualWhat's involved in repairing a relationship after an affairWhy not all couples stay togetherWhat happens when a relationship starts as an affairThe impact of perpetual problems in relationships (Gottman research: 69 percent of issues are ongoing)Why switching partners doesn't always solve core differencesWhat couples need to rebuild trust and connectionReferenced in this episode

In this episode, certified marriage coach, Kameran Alareqi breaks down the real reasons why you're not being heard in your relationship. Whether you're the partner who feels misunderstood or the one accused of "never listening," this episode is packed with research-based insights and practical tools that will help you finally get on the same page.We'll explore how attachment styles, trauma, and nervous system regulation play a huge role in communication breakdown, how emotional pain actually mimics physical pain in the brain, and what's really happening when conversations turn into conflict—or worse, silence.

Renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman share valuable and actionable insights on building stronger emotional connections and enhancing intimacy. With decades of research in the field of relationships, the Gottmans explain how to foster trust, improve communication, and deepen your bond with your partner. Listen to the full episode here - Spotify: https://g2ul0.app.link/rbGkCfGhTUb Apple: https://g2ul0.app.link/K40py7KhTUb⁠ Watch the Episodes On YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/%20TheDiaryOfACEO/videos The Gottmans: https://www.gottman.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this episode, we delve into the universal challenges of parenting conflicts, exploring how core values and meta-emotion mismatches can escalate disagreements. We discuss research findings from Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Nancy Eisenberg, offering insights into managing these conflicts and aligning parenting styles for the well-being of children.Key Points:Top three conflicts among couples with young children: chores, money, and parenting. The Impact of Divorce on Parenting Disagreements and Ongoing Conflicts. Understanding meta-emotion mismatches and their role in predicting divorce. Dr. Eisenberg's research on emotional socialization and parenting styles. The importance of aligning parenting styles to foster emotional intelligence in children.Join us next week for part two, where we'll dive into practical solutions using Gottman's Dreams Within Conflict method to align your parenting approach. Connect with UsEmail: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.Feedback Corner: Thought of a topic we haven't covered? Hit reply—your ideas shape future shows.

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2650: Understanding jealousy through April Eldemire's insights helps transform it from a destructive force into a path for deeper connection. By identifying personal vulnerabilities, communicating openly, and setting healthy boundaries, partners can build greater trust and intimacy. Listening offers valuable guidance on turning difficult emotions into opportunities for growth and resilience in relationships. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-do-we-get-jealous-in-relationships/ Quotes to ponder: "I believe that every person has areas of enduring vulnerability. For a marriage to succeed, these vulnerabilities need to be understood and honored." "Feelings aren't facts. Are you imagining things that aren't really there?" "Show one another how much you value each other by putting your relationship before your work, your coworkers, and your friends." Episode references: The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran (for the “spaces in your togetherness” quote): https://www.amazon.com/Prophet-Kahlil-Gibran/dp/0394404289 Daring Greatly: https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Fr Alex Goussetis speaks with Dr Sofie Azmy regarding John Gottman's well-known metaphor describing four communication styles that often predict difficulties in a marriage relationship - and how to change course toward a healthier bond.

In this episode of Asking For A Friend with TalkDoc, co-hosts Dr. Pamela Kreiser, Meredith Edwards Nagel, and Teighlor Polendo explore the art of giving feedback. Reflecting on the discomfort of receiving harsh feedback, they present two effective strategies for providing constructive criticism without triggering defensive reactions— the Positive Feedback Sandwich and the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) technique. Alongside discussing research insights from Gottman and the Harvard Business Review, the hosts offer practical examples and scenarios to illustrate these strategies in action, aiming to improve communication and relationships.  Music by epidemic sound. SHOW NOTES: Experts :  Dr. John Gottman Resources : Harvard Business Review Tools :  Positive Feedback Sandwich (Mary Kay Ash) 3-part formula: Positive comment Constructive feedback Positive/supportive closing SBI Tool - Situation, Behavior, Impact (Center for Creative Leadership) Situation – When/where the behavior happened. Behavior – What the person did (specific & observable). Impact – How it affected you or others.

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2633: Kyle Benson unpacks how shifting from criticism to expressing vulnerable wishes can dramatically improve conflict resolution in relationships. By identifying the underlying needs beneath frustration, couples foster deeper emotional connection and transform arguments into moments of intimacy and understanding. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/transforming-criticism-into-wishes-a-recipe-for-successful-conflict/ Quotes to ponder: "You are such a baby. You interrupt me and then walk out of the room, which makes me feel like the bad guy. No wonder I don't want to have a baby!" "I want to be able to speak with you about how I feel about having a baby right now without you leaving the room or getting upset with me before I'm done talking." "I want us to discuss issues calmly without either of us raising our voices. That's what I need to stay in the room and truly listen to you." Episode references: Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) by Stan Tatkin: https://thepactinstitute.com/what-is-pact/ Daring Greatly by Brené Brown: https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transform Your Relationship at Our July 2025 Retreat! Blake and I are hosting an intimate couples retreat in Oakbrook, Illinois (July 25–27, 2025), where we'll share the exact tools that saved our marriage! Nestled at a serene golf resort, this weekend includes: Practical Workshops: Master the FANO Method, Gottman's anti-criticism tools, and ADHD-friendly communication. Soulful Exercises: Guided meditations to deepen your emotional and spiritual connection. Personal Coaching: Direct support from us to address your unique struggles. Limited to 5 more couples!

It can be so easy to neglect the relationships we most value because we have this ideas that they will always be there. And then, because of the neglect, they are no longer there. We may still be married, but we are distant and disconnected, and it can seem daunting to find our way back to connection. But it is possible to change the trajectory of our disconnected relationship and come back into feeling close and connected again. It will take some courage, it will take some intentional efforts, and it will require vulnerability, but you can do it if you really decide it's what you want. Thanks for listening!  Want to learn more about this concept?  Check out these podcasts: #244 The Relationship Circle #289 Why Our Relationships Need Validation. #295 Safety in the Relationship Circle #296 Creating More Safety in Your Relationships #298 Friendship In Marriage #302 Gottman's Four Horsemen – Destroying Relationships Has Never Been So Easy #341 Choosing To Be All In #342 What Does Vulnerability Look Like? #343 Greatest Hits – Why Vulnerability Matters #344 Are You a Safe Place for Vulnerability? #347 The Self Care of Relationship Repair #357 How to Be More Understanding Check out this article: https://positivepsychology.com/neuroscience-of-gratitude/ Are you curious about what it would be like to work with me? Here are three options: Group coaching classes are available at tanyahale.com/groupcoaching Talk with Tanya is a free monthly webinar where you can ask me anything and we can have a great discussion.  You can sign up for that at tanyahale.com/groupcoaching Interested in a free 90-minute coaching/consult with me?  Access my calendar at: https://tanyahalecalendar.as.me/

Today on One Life Radio, Dr. DeWone Bennett joins Bernadette to talk about the power of the word “no,” in all situations. Many of us have trouble telling others no, and we suffer the consequences doing things for others that we don't want to do, or don't have time to do. Dr. DeWone gives us tangible advice for how to start saying no and taking our lives and our time back from those who are taking advantage.Dr. Bennett has over ten years of extensive training and experience working with children, adolescents, and adults.  He holds two master's degrees and a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology.  Dr. DeWone is a Licensed Professional Counselor and counseling supervisor. Dr. Bennett has a diverse range of training and certifications as a Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (TF-CBT) EMDR and Gottman method as a couple's therapist. As well as a National Certified Counselor and Counseling Supervisor and a corporate EAP counselor and trainer.  Over the past 15 years he has focused his interest in personal development, on those struggling with emotional trauma, relationship issues, resiliency, and work-life balance.    As the owner of a group private practice in the North Dallas area, DeWone continues to provide life-altering behavioral health services and consultations. You can find and learn more about Dr. DeWone Bennett on dbennettcounseling.com.Here are more episodes with DeWone Bennett:DeWone Bennett, LPC - Can Valentine's Day Expectations Harm Your Relationship? ep. 3081The Best and Worst Ways to Break Up #2093The Psychology of Tattoos #2073

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2611: Laura Heck explores how pivotal decisions in marriage hinge on three foundational practices: knowing your partner deeply, meeting them in the moment rather than the middle, and aligning on shared dreams. Through a deeply personal story, she shows how mastering the art of compromise can transform life-altering decisions into powerful bonding experiences that move a couple closer together, not apart. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-factors-will-make-break-relationship/ Quotes to ponder: "Compromise goes really well when you remember three key things." "Even if your shared dream is just to 'stay married,' that can help reframe your 'non-negotiables.'" "I needed to wake up each day, driven and full of purpose to accomplish 'our dream.'" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you've ever felt misunderstood in your relationship, avoid conflict until it explodes, or just want to get better at saying what you actually mean - this episode is for you.More info, resources & ways to connect - https://www.tacosfallapart.com/podcast-live-show/podcast-guests/nicole-richardsonIn this episode, MommaFoxFire chats with licensed therapist Nicole Richardson about what healthy communication really looks like in romantic relationships... and what trips us up. Nicole brings years of experience working with couples, trauma, and crisis recovery and she doesn't sugarcoat the hard stuff.They kick things off by touching on Nicole's upcoming e-course for parents who want to talk to their kids about bodies, sex, and other tricky topics. It's all about giving grown-ups the words they might not have gotten themselves growing up. Then the conversation moves into more personal territory, from growing up in a military family to the awkwardness of wisdom tooth extractions and why dentists can be the worst.When they shift gears into the main topic - communication in relationships - Nicole gets clear about what makes communication healthy or unhealthy. Name-calling, passive-aggressive jabs, constant teasing or assuming what your partner meant without asking? Those all fall into the "ineffective" category. Instead, Nicole encourages people to focus on effective communication, which happens when the message sent is actually the message received. Spoiler: it's harder than it sounds.A big chunk of the discussion covers processing styles. Some people need time before they're ready to talk, and that's okay... as long as you tell your partner, “I'm not ready now, but I will be later.” Silence with no explanation, on the other hand, can lead to assumptions and conflict. Nicole also points out how important it is to take responsibility for your own emotional regulation. If you're about to explode or shut down, take a break. Communicate that you're taking one and come back to it when you're in a better place.They also talk about media portrayals of love and how rom-coms mess us up. The whole “chase them until they say yes” trope? Not cute. Nicole pushes back on the myth that everything's supposed to magically click once you find “the one.” That's when the real work starts.Listeners asked great questions too, like how to shift long-standing communication patterns with parents or adult children. Nicole's advice: You can't change others, but you can change how you show up. Lead with consistency and clear boundaries. Sometimes, that means accepting that certain relationships will always be more surface-level... and adjusting your expectations accordingly.Nicole shares the Gottman method as a tool: use “I feel, I want, I need” statements to express what's going on inside you without launching into blame or criticism. It's not about stuffing your feelings down or lashing out - it's about being honest, respectful and real.They wrap up with a reminder that communication isn't one-size-fits-all, but it is a skill you can learn. It takes time, effort and self-awareness... but it's worth it.

Hi babes! This week we have on Amber Mckinney to talk all about the Gottman method, specifically for lesbian couples!Follow us!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Faithlynn Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Shay Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠For The Femmes Instagram⁠The following episode is based on personal experiences, opinions, and perspectives. While certain situations may reflect real events, no names have been mentioned, and any identifying details have been altered or omitted to protect privacy. This content is not intended to harm, defame, or target any individual. All statements made reflect the speaker's personal views and are not presented as absolute fact. Listener discretion is advised.

Julie Blackburn shares her expertise on helping couples maintain strong relationships during the challenging transition to parenthood, drawing on her experience as a registered nurse, midwife, and Bringing Baby Home educator.• 67% of couples become unhappy with each other during the first three years of their baby's life• The greatest gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between parents• Parenting differences stem from our upbringing and personal experiences• The "secret sauce" for healthy relationships includes maintaining friendship, regulating conflict, and creating shared meaning• Criticism can cause partners (especially dads) to withdraw from parenting involvement• When dad is unhappy in his relationship with mom, a gulf often grows between him and his child• Father involvement is crucial for child development, affecting temperament, self-regulation, confidence, and academic performance• Military families face unique challenges requiring extra intentionality in maintaining connection• The Gottman card deck app offers structured ways to maintain meaningful conversations and express needs without criticism• Keeping an emotional "bank account" full through expressions of fondness and admiration sustains relationships through challengesThe key to a stronger marriage connection is friendship and kindness. Remember to remain each other's best friend, hold space for each other, and keep telling your partner how much you appreciate them.Recharge with David KoChats with Kevin Bacon, Chelsea Handler, Jordan Chiles, Common and Sheryl Lee RalphListen on: Apple Podcasts SpotifyVisit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: Strongermarriage.org Podcast.stongermarriage.org Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage/ Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongermarriagelife/ Dr. Dave Schramm: http://drdaveschramm.com http://drdavespeaks.com Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2595: Kyle Benson offers a compassionate, step-by-step framework to help you encourage your partner to consider couples therapy, not by pointing fingers, but by emphasizing teamwork, understanding, and mutual growth. With insights grounded in emotional safety and respect, Benson shows how to communicate your hopes for the relationship in a way that fosters trust, not resistance. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-steps-to-inspire-your-partner-to-join-you-in-attending-couples-therapy/ Quotes to ponder: “Sweetheart, I want us to attend couples therapy that's designed to help us communicate better. I'm excited about it because I think it will help me understand more about you and how I can be a better partner.” “Requests become demands when our partner believes they will be blamed or punished if they don't comply.” “Focus on being the change you wish to see in the relationship. Doing so may inspire them to want to make more progress with you.” Episode references: Nonviolent Communication: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I've never highlighted a book as much as They're Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship.  It's my favorite book in 2025! Watch the Video Interview Author Dr. Isabelle Morley gives us a timely book that rejects the reckless proliferation of the following terms:  Sociopath Psychopath Love bomb Narcissist Boundaries Borderline Toxic Gaslighting Who is Dr. Isabelle Morley? Dr. Morley is not a chronic gaslighter trying to convince the world that she doesn't gaslight by writing a book about it. Here's her resume: Author of Navigating Intimacy and They're Not Gaslighting You Co-host of the podcast Romcom Rescue Contributor to Psychology Today Advisory Board Member of the Keepler app Founding Board Member of UCAN Member of the American Psychological Association Certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) The Gottman Method – Completed Levels 1 and 2 Relational Life Therapy – Completed Level 1 PsyD in Clinical Psychology from William James College, 2015 Doctoral project researching hookup culture's impact on relationship formation, 2015 Master's in Professional Psychology from William James College, 2013 Bachelor of Arts from Tufts University, 2011 My Fatima Story I dated a woman for two years. Let's call her Fatima. In the second half of our relationship, Fatima bombarded me with many of the highly charged and often misused words listed above. After she dumped me the fifth and final time, I finally pushed back on her barrage of accusations. I said to her, “So, you truly believe I'm a narcissist? Let's look up the clinical definition of a narcissist and see how I stack up.” She agreed. Perplexity wrote: To be clinically considered as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) according to the DSM-5, an individual must exhibit at least five out of nine specific characteristics. These characteristics, as summarized by the acronym “SPECIAL ME,” include: Sense of self-importance Exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements. Preoccupation Being preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love Entitled Having unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations. Can only be around people who are important or special Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). Interpersonally exploitative Taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends. Arrogant Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. Lack empathy Being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. Must be admired Requiring excessive admiration. Envious Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them. These symptoms must be pervasive, apparent in various social situations, and consistently rigid over time. A qualified healthcare professional typically diagnoses NPD through a clinical interview. The traits should also substantially differ from social norms. I asked her how many of these nine characteristics I exhibited consistently, pervasively, and in many social situations. She agreed that I was nowhere near five of the nine. Admittedly, I sometimes exhibited some of these nine characteristics in my intimate relationship with Fatima. I'm certainly guilty of that. However, to qualify as a true narcissist, you must display at least five of these nine characteristics often and with most people, not just your partner. To her credit, my ex-girlfriend sheepishly backed down from that accusation, saying, “You're right, Francis, you're not a narcissist.” Later, I would educate her (or, as she would say, “mansplain”) about another of her favorite words: gaslighting. I mansplained by sending her a video clip of renowned couples therapist Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who explained why standard disagreements and having different perspectives aren't gaslighting. Soon after explaining that, Mrs. Gottman explains why, in some ways, “everybody is narcissistic.” Watch 6 minutes from 1:35:30 to 1:41:30: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9kPmiV0B34&t=5730s After listening to an expert define gaslighting, Fatima apologized for incorrectly using the term. This is what I loved about Fatima: she wouldn't stubbornly cling to her position when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. This is a rare trait I cherish. Narcissists and sociopaths are about 1% of the population, so it's highly unlikely that all your exes are narcissists and sociopaths. Still, Fatima flung other popular, misused terms at me. She loved talking about “boundaries” and “red flags.” According to Dr. Morley, my ex “weaponized therapy speak.”   Dr. Morley writes, “It's not a new phenomenon for people to use therapy terms casually, even flippantly, to describe themselves or other people. How long have we referred to someone as a ‘psycho' when they're acting irrationally or being mean?” Although weaponized therapy speak isn't new, it's ubiquitous nowadays. Dr. Morley's book sounds the alarm that it's out of control and dangerous. Three types of people would benefit from Dr. Morley's book: People like Fatima: Does someone you know tend to denigrate people using therapy speak? Are they intelligent, rational, and open-minded like Fatima? If so, they must read this book to recalibrate how they use these powerful words. People like me: Are you (or someone you know) accused of being a psychopath, a gaslighter, or a person with OCD? Actual victims: The explosion of use of these powerful words has diluted their meaning. As a result, the real victims of narcissists and sociopaths are now belittled. Their true suffering is minimized when every other person has a sociopath in their life. Their grievances are severe. Let's not equate our relationship problems with their terror. I'll list some of my favorite chapter titles, which will give you a flavor of the book's message: Chapter 4: Are They Gaslighting You, or Do They Just Disagree? Chapter 5: Do They Have OCD, or Are They Just Particular? Chapter 6: Is It a Red Flag, or Are They Just Imperfect? Chapter 7: Are They a Narcissist, or Did They Just Hurt Your Feelings? Chapter 9: Are They a Sociopath, or Do They Just Like You Less Than you Like Them? Chapter 11: Did They Violate Your Boundaries, or Did They Just Not Know How You Felt? I will quote extensively to encourage everyone to buy Dr. Mosley's book. Most quotations are self-explanatory, but sometimes I will offer personal commentary. Excerpts The trend of weaponized therapy speak marks something very different. These days, clinical words are wielded, sincerely and self-righteously, to lay unilateral blame on one person in a relationship while excusing the other from any wrongdoing. ========== Many times, we use these words as protective measures to help us avoid abusive partners and reduce our risk of “wasting” time or emotional energy on family or friends who don't deserve it. But using these terms can also absolve people from taking responsibility for their actions in their relationships. They can say, “I had to do that because of my obsessive-compulsive disorder” or “We didn't work out because she's a narcissist,” instead of doing the hard work of seeing their part in the problem and addressing the issues behind it. As a couples therapist, I'm particularly concerned with how the enthusiastic but inaccurate embrace of clinical terminology has made it harder to sustain healthy romantic attachments. With Fatima, our relationship woes were always my fault because I crossed her “boundaries” and I was a “narcissist.” If I disagreed, I was “gaslighting” her. Or I was being “defensive” instead of apologizing. And when I apologized, I did so incorrectly because I offered excuses after saying I'm sorry (she was right about that). The point is that she used weaponized therapy speak to demonize me, alleviating herself from the burden of considering that perhaps she shared some of the responsibility for our woes. ========== Their friend doesn't agree with their warped view of an event or their disproportionate reaction? The friend is an empathy-lacking narcissist who is actively gaslighting them. ========== In one memorable session of mine, a client managed to accuse their partner of narcissism, gaslighting, love bombing, blaming the victim, lacking accountability, having no empathy, and being generally abusive, manipulative, and toxic . . . all within twenty minutes. Although Fatima and I went to couples therapy, I don't remember Dr. Mosley being our facilitator, but that sure sounds like Fatima! LOL! ========== I'm certified in emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT), which is a type of couples therapy based on attachment theory. ========== For example, if you feel like a failure for letting your partner down, you might immediately minimize your partner's feelings and tell them they shouldn't react so strongly to such a small issue. (For anyone wondering, this isn't gaslighting.) That makes them feel unheard and unimportant, so they get even more upset, which makes you dismiss their reaction as dramatic, and round and round it goes. Welcome to my world with Fatima! ========== You could claim your partner is toxic and borderline because they're emotionally volatile and unforgiving. You could say their feelings are disproportionate to the problem, and their verbal assault is bordering on abusive. But your partner could say that you are a narcissist who is gaslighting them by refusing to acknowledge their feelings, showing no empathy for the distress your tardiness caused, and shifting the blame to them (just like a narcissist would!). You'd both be wrong, of course, but you can see how these conclusions could happen. ========== Weaponized therapy speak is our attempt to understand people and situations in our lives, yes, but it is also a strategy to avoid responsibility. It puts the blame solely on the other person and allows us to ignore our part. ========== However, the vast majority of partners and friends are not sociopaths, narcissists, or abusers. They're just flawed. They're insecure, demanding, controlling, emotional, or any number of adjectives, but these traits alone aren't pathological. ========== But doing such things now and then in our relational histories, or doing them often in just one relationship, doesn't mean we have a personality disorder. These diagnoses are reserved for people who exhibit a persistent pattern of maladaptive behaviors in most or all of their close relationships. ========== I wasn't an abusive partner. I was a messy newcomer to relationships, as we usually are in our teens and twenties, trying my best to navigate my feelings while following bad examples from television and making plenty of other blunders along the way. Stonewalling was immature and an unhelpful way of coping, but it wasn't abuse. ========== If we're looking for a partner who will always do the right thing, even in the hardest moments, we're only setting ourselves up for disappointment. As I mentioned before, really good people can behave really badly. ========== If we don't know the difference between abusive behavior and normal problematic behavior, we're at risk for either accepting abuse (thinking that it's just a hard time) or, alternatively, throwing away a perfectly good relationship because we can't accept any flaws or mistakes. Alas, Fatima threw away a perfectly good relationship. I was her second boyfriend. Her lack of experience made her underappreciate what we had. She'll figure it out with the next guy. ========== Disagreeing with someone, thinking your loved one is objectively wrong, arguing about what really happened and what was actually said, trying to find your way to the one and only “truth”—these are things that most people do. They are not helpful or effective, but they also are not gaslighting. ========== “What? I didn't say yes to seeing it, Cece. I said yes to finding houses we both liked and visiting them. Sometimes you just hear what you want to and then get mad at me when you realize it's not what I actually said,” Meg answers. “Stop gaslighting me! Don't tell me what happened. I remember exactly what you said! You told me yes to this open house and then changed your mind, and I'm upset about it. I'm allowed to be upset about it; don't invalidate my feelings!” Cece says, her frustration growing. Meg feels surprised and nervous. She didn't think she was gaslighting Cece, which is exactly what she says. “I didn't mean to gaslight you. I just remember this differently. I don't remember saying I would go to this open house, so that's why I don't understand why you're this upset.” “Yes, you are gaslighting me because you're trying to convince me that what I clearly remember happening didn't happen. But you can't gaslight me because I'm positive I'm right.” ========== Cece's accusation of gaslighting quickly shut down the conversation, labeling Meg as a terrible partner and allowing Cece to exit the conversation as the victor. ========== I find gaslighting to be one of the harder labels to deal with in my clinical work for three reasons: 1. Accusations of gaslighting are incredibly common. I hear accusations of gaslighting at least once a week, and yet it's only been accurate about five times in my entire clinical career. Boyfriend didn't agree with what time you were meeting for dinner? Gaslighting. Spouse said you didn't tell them to pick up milk on the way home, but you swear you did? Gaslighting. ========== You could say, “I want you to know that I really understand your perspective on this. I see things differently, but your experience is valid, and it makes sense. I'm not trying to convince you that you're wrong and I'm right, and I'm sorry if I came across that way.” WHAT IS VALIDATION? Validation is another word that suffers from frequent misuse. People demand validation, but what they're really asking for is agreement. And if someone doesn't agree, they call it toxic. Here's the thing, though: Validation is not the same as agreement. ========== You can disagree in your head but still validate how they feel: “Hey, you're not crazy. I see why you'd feel that way. It makes sense to me. I'd probably feel that way too if I were in your shoes, experiencing our interaction the way you did. I care about your feelings.” ========== “I bet it felt really awful to have me challenge your experience and make you feel like it wasn't right or valid.” I regret I learned this lesson too late with Fatima. I was too slow to validate her feelings. We learn something in every relationship. Ideally, our partner is patient with us as we stumble through the learning process, often repeating the same error until we form a new habit. However, Fatima ran out of patience with me. I couldn't change fast enough for her, even though I was eager to learn and dying to please her. By the time I began to learn about proper validation and apologies, she had given up on me. ========== My husband, Lucas, hates it when lids aren't properly put on jars. You know, when a lid is half on and still loose or haphazardly tightened and askew? I, on the other hand, could not care less. I am the only perpetrator of putting lids on wrong in our house. I barely screw on the top to the pickles, peanut butter, medications, water bottles, or food storage containers. I don't even realize that I do it because I care so little about it. This drives Lucas absolutely crazy. I love this example because it's what I would repeatedly tell Fatima: some habits are hard to break. Dr. Mosley knows her husband hates half-closed jars, but she struggles to comply with his wishes. We're imperfect creatures. ========== Is your partner always leaving a wet towel on the floor after showering? Red flag—they're irresponsible and will expect you to clean up after them. Is your friend bad at texting to let you know when they're behind schedule? Red flag—they're selfish, inconsiderate, and don't value your time. It's all too easy to weaponize this term in a relationship, in hopes that it will shame the other person into changing. ========== People aren't perfect. Individually, we're messy, and in relationships, we're much messier. We all make mistakes, sometimes repeatedly for our entire lives. Instead of labeling all unwanted behaviors as red flags and expecting change or running away altogether, try a new approach: Identify why those behaviors hurt you and share that with your loved one instead. ========== When confronted with the knowledge that we've hurt someone, many of us become defensive. We hate the idea of hurting the person we love and since we usually didn't intend to hurt them, we start explaining why our actions weren't that bad and why they shouldn't feel upset. It comes from a place of inadequacy, self-criticism, and remorse. If the other person responds like this but you can tell they care about your pain, this may be a good time to give them some grace in the form of empathy and time. Wait a few hours or even a few days, then try the conversation again. For every criticism I had about Fatima's behavior, she had 20 criticisms about my behavior. As a result, I had many more opportunities to fall into the trap of becoming defensive. It's so hard to resist. I'm still working on that front. ========== We all have a touch of narcissism, which can get bigger at certain points in life, ========== Conflicts are upsetting, and we've all developed ways of protecting ourselves, whether it's getting loud to be heard or emotionally withdrawing to prevent a panic attack. Underneath these less-than-ideal responses, though, we feel awful. We feel scared, insecure, inadequate, unimportant, and alone. We hate fighting with our loved ones, and we really hate that we've hurt them, especially unknowingly. We're not being defensive because we have a narcissistic belief in our own superiority; we're doing it because we're terrified that the person won't understand us and will see us negatively, so we need to show them our side and explain to them why we aren't to blame. ========== But whether it's an inflated ego, vanity, self-absorption, or just unusually healthy confidence, these traits do not make a narcissist. To have NPD, the person must also require external validation and admiration, and to be seen as superior to others. This is the difference between a big ego and grandiosity. Grandiosity goes several steps beyond confidence—it's a near-delusional sense of importance, where someone exaggerates their achievements and expects others to see them as superior. ========== Some people suck. They're immature, mean, selfish, and unremorseful. Some people don't respect other people in their lives. They lie and they cheat, and they don't care that it hurts others. But they can be all these things and still not be a narcissist. There's a lot of room for people to be awful without meeting the criteria for a personality disorder, and that's because (you guessed it!) people are flawed. Some people feel justified in behaving badly, while others just don't know any better yet. Our growth is messy and not linear. ========== The reality is that anyone who genuinely worries that they are a narcissist, probably isn't. That level of openness and willingness to self-reflect is not typical of a narcissist. Plus, narcissists don't tend to believe or care that they've hurt others, whereas my clients are deeply distressed by the possibility that they've unknowingly caused others pain. ========== As with gaslighting, I have rarely seen people accurately diagnose narcissism. To put it bluntly, I have never seen a client in a couples therapy session call their partner a narcissist and be right. In fact, the person misusing the label usually tends to be more narcissistic and have more therapy work to do than their partner. ========== person involved with a narcissist to accurately identify the disorder because people with NPD are great at making other people think they are the problem. It's an insidious process, and rarely do people realize what's happening until others point it out to them or the narcissist harshly devalues or leaves them. Now, you might be in a relationship with someone who has NPD, but instead of jumping to “narcissist!” it's helpful to use other adjectives and be more specific about your concerns. Saying that a certain behavior was selfish or that a person seems unremorseful is more exact than calling them a narcissist. ========== Love bombing can happen at any point in a relationship, but it's most often seen at the start. ========== Love bombing is also a typical follow-up to fights. ========== Humans are a complicated species. Despite our amazing cognitive capacities and our innate desire to be good (well, most of us anyway), we often cause harm. People act in ways that can damage their relationships, both intentionally and unknowingly, but that doesn't make them sociopaths. In fact, anyone in a close and meaningful relationship will end up hurting the other person and will also end up getting hurt at some point because close relationships inevitably involve a degree of pain, be it disappointment, sadness, anger, or frustration. Even when we're doing our best, we hurt each other. We can't equate normal missteps and hurt with sociopathy. ========== People love to call their exes sociopaths, just like they love calling them narcissists. Dr. Mosley focuses on the term sociopath because it's more popular nowadays than the term psychopath, but they both suffer from misuse and overuse, she says. If your partner (or you) use the term psychopath often, then in the following excerpts, replace the word “sociopath” with “psychopath.” ========== calling someone a sociopath is extreme. You're calling them out as a human who has an underdeveloped (or nonexistent) capacity to be a law-abiding, respectful, moral member of society. And in doing so, you're saying they were the entire problem in your relationship. Unless you were with a person who displayed a variety of extreme behaviors that qualify as ASPD, that conclusion isn't fair, accurate, or serving you. Again, you're missing out on the opportunity to reflect on your part in the problem, examine how you could have been more effective in the relationship, and identify how you can change for the better in your next relationship. If you label your ex a sociopath and call it a day, you're cutting yourself short. ========== Let the record show that I have never seen someone use the term sociopath correctly in their relationship. ========== some boundaries are universal and uncrossable, but the majority are personal preferences that need to be expressed and, at times, negotiated. Claiming a boundary violation is a quick and easy way to control someone's behavior, and that's why it's important to clarify what this phrase means and how to healthily navigate boundaries in a relationship. Fatima loved to remind me of and enforce her “boundaries.” It was a long list, so I inevitably crossed them, which led to drama. ========== There are some boundaries we all agree are important and should be uncrossable—I call these universal boundaries. Violating universal boundaries, especially when done repeatedly without remorse or regard for the impact it has on the other person, amounts to abuse. ========== The main [universal boundaries] are emotional, physical, sexual, and financial boundaries ========== Outside of these universal, uncrossable boundaries, there are also individual boundaries. Rather than applying to all people, these boundaries are specific to the person and defined by their own preferences and needs. As such, they are flexible, fluid over time, and full of nuance. If they are crossed, it can be uncomfortable, but it isn't necessarily abuse. ========== boundary is a line drawn to ensure safety and autonomy, whereas a preference is something that would make you feel happy but is not integral to your sense of relational security or independence. ========== While a well-adjusted person might start a dialogue about how to negotiate an individual boundary in a way that honors both partners' needs, an abusive person will never consider if their boundary can be shifted or why it might be damaging or significantly limiting to the other person. Instead, they will accuse, blame, and manipulate their partner as their way of keeping that person within their controlling limits. ========== The point is that as we go through life, our boundaries shift. As you can see, this is part of what makes it difficult for people to anticipate or assess boundary violations. If you expect and demand that the people close to you honor your specific boundaries on certain topics, but you're not telling them what the boundaries are or when and how they've changed, you're setting your loved ones up for failure. ========== And again, people unknowingly cross each other's individual boundaries all the time. It's simply inevitable. ========== It will create an unnecessary and unproductive rift. 3. We Mistake Preferences for Boundaries Boundaries protect our needs for safety and security. Preferences promote feelings of happiness, pleasure, or calm. When someone crosses a boundary, it compromises our physical or mental health. When someone disregards a preference, we may feel annoyed, but it doesn't pose a risk to our well-being. ========== You've Been Accused of Violating a Boundary If you're in a close relationship, chances are you're going to violate the other person's boundaries at some point. This is especially likely if the person has not told you what boundaries are important to them. However, you might also be unjustly accused of violating a boundary, perhaps a boundary you didn't know about or a preference masquerading as a boundary, and you'll need to know what to do. ========== I never thought of telling Fatima that she was “borderline.” It helps that I didn't know what the term meant. Dr. Mosley says that a person must have several of the “borderline” characteristics to have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Fatima only had one of them, so she did not have BPD. Here's the only BPD trait she exhibited: Stormy, intense, and chaotic relationships: Have relationships that tend to be characterized by extremes of idealization and devaluation in which the person with BPD idolizes someone one moment and then vilifies them the next. Because they struggle to see others in a consistent and nuanced way, their relationships go through tumultuous ups and downs, where they desire intense closeness one minute and then reject the person the next. Fatima promised me, “I will love you forever,” “I want to marry you,” “I will be with you until death,” “I'll never leave you,” and other similar extreme promises. Three days later, she would dump me and tell me she never wanted to get back together. Two days later, she apologized and wanted to reunite. Soon, she would be making her over-the-top romantic declarations again. She'd write them and say them repeatedly, not just while making love. Eventually, I'd fuck up again. Instead of collaborating to prevent further fuck ups, Fatima would simply break up with me with little to no discussion. This would naturally make me question her sincerity when she repeatedly made her I-will-be-with-you-forever promises. You might wonder why I was so fucking stupid to reunite with her after she did that a couple of times. Why did I always beg her to reconsider and reunite with me even after we repeated the pattern four times? (The fifth time she dumped me was the last time.) Humans are messy. I expect imperfection. I know my loved one will repeatedly do stupid shit because I sure will. So, I forgave her knee-jerk breakup reaction because I knew she didn't do it out of malice. She did it to protect herself. She was in pain. She thought that pulling the plug would halt the pain. That's reasonable but wrong. That doesn't matter. She's learning, I figured. I need to be patient. I was hopeful we'd break the pattern and learn how to deal with conflict maturely. We didn't. I'm confident she'll figure it out soon, just like I learned from my mistakes with her. ========== If I had to pick one word to describe people with BPD, it would be unstable. Fatima was unstable in a narrow situation: only with one person (me) and only when the shit hit the fan with me. Aside from that, she was highly stable. Hence, it would have been ludicrous if I accused her of having Borderline Personality Disorder. Luckily, I never knew the overused borderline term; even if I did, I wouldn't be tempted to use it on her. ========== Just as with red flags, we all exhibit some toxic behaviors at times. I don't know anyone who has lived a toxic-free existence. Sometimes we go through tough phases where our communication and coping skills are down, and we'll act more toxically than we might normally; this doesn't make us a toxic person. Indeed, many romantic relationships go through toxic episodes, if you will (should we make “toxic episode” a thing?), where people aren't communicating well, are escalating conflicts, and are generally behaving badly. We need to normalize a certain level of temporary or situational toxicity while also specifying what we mean by saying “toxic.” This is the only way we can determine whether the relationship needs help or needs ending. ========== trauma is itself a heavy, often misunderstood word. Its original meaning referenced what we now call “big T” trauma: life-threatening events such as going to war or surviving a car crash. Nowadays, we also talk about “little t” trauma: events that cause significant distress but aren't truly life-threatening, like being bullied in school or having an emotionally inconsistent parent. ========== Avoiding relationships with anyone who triggers hard feelings will mean a very lonely existence. ========== a trauma bond is the connection that survivors feel with their abuser. ========== A captured soldier who defends his captors? That person is, in fact, trauma bonded. ========== soldiers aren't trauma bonded after going to war together; they're socially bonded, albeit in an unusually deep way. A captured soldier who defends his captors? That person is, in fact, trauma bonded. ========== None of us get to have a happy relationship without hard times and hard work. It's normal and okay to sometimes struggle with the person you're close to or love. When the struggle happens, don't despair. Within the struggle are opportunities to invest in the relationship and grow, individually and together. ========== If you determine your relationship is in a tough spot but not abusive, now's the time for some hard relational work. A good cocktail for working on your relationship is specificity, vulnerability, and commitment. ========== Making a relationship work requires you and your loved ones to self-reflect, take responsibility, and change. This process won't just happen once; it's a constant cycle you'll go through repeatedly over the course of the relationship. You'll both need to look at yourselves, own what you've done wrong or could do better, and work to improve. Nobody is ever finished learning and growing, not individually and certainly not in a relationship. But that's what can be so great about being in a relationship: It's a never-ending opportunity to become a better person. And when you mess up (because trust me, you will), be kind to yourself. As I keep saying, humans are wonderfully imperfect. Even when we know what to do, sometimes we just don't or can't do it. ========== In this world of messy humans, how do you know who will be a good person for you to be with? My answer: Choose someone who wants to keep doing the work with you. There is no perfect person or partner for you, no magical human that won't ever hurt, irritate, enrage, or overwhelm you. Being in close relationships inevitably leads to big, scary feelings at times, so pick someone who wants to get through the dark times with you. Remember that when people are behaving badly in a desperate attempt to connect—not control—they'll be able to look at themselves, recognize the bad behavior, and change. Pick someone who has the willingness to self-reflect and grow, even if it's hard. Someone who will hang in there, even during your worst fights, and ultimately say, “Listen, this is awful, and I don't want to keep arguing like this, but I love you and I want to figure this out with you.” Wow. So well said. And this, in a paragraph, explains where Fatima and I failed. I dislike pointing fingers at my ex when explaining why we broke up. I made 90% of the mistakes in my relationship with Fatima, so I bear most of the responsibility. However, Fatima was the weaker one on one metric: having someone who wants to collaborate to make a beautiful relationship despite the hardships. The evident proof is that she dumped me five times, whereas I never dumped her or even threatened to dump her. I always wanted to use our problems as a chance to learn and improve. Fatima used them as an excuse to quit. She tried. She really did. However, she lacked the commitment Dr. Mosley discussed in that paragraph. Perhaps another man will inspire Fatima to find the strength and courage to bounce back and not throw in the towel. Or maybe she will mature and evolve to a point where she can be with someone less compatible than I was for her. She would often declare, “Francis, we're incompatible.” I'd say, “No, we are compatible; we have incompatibilities. Everyone has incompatibilities. We just need to work through them. If there is a willingness to collaborate, we can solve any incompatibility. The only couples who are truly incompatible are the ones where one or both individuals refuse to budge or learn. We can overcome countless incompatibilities as long as we both want to be together.” ========== We have wounds and scars and bad habits. We rely on ineffective but protective coping mechanisms. We push others away when we're hurt or scared. ========== Everyone behaves badly sometimes. But even then, odds are they're not gaslighting you. Conclusion I'll repeat: They're Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship is my favorite book in 2025! Buy it! Feedback Leave anonymous audio feedback at SpeakPipe More info You can post comments, ask questions, and sign up for my newsletter at http://wanderlearn.com. If you like this podcast, subscribe and share!  On social media, my username is always FTapon. Connect with me on: Facebook Twitter YouTube Instagram TikTok LinkedIn Pinterest Tumblr My Patrons sponsored this show! Claim your monthly reward by becoming a patron at http://Patreon.com/FTapon Rewards start at just $2/month! 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Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2594: Kyle Benson offers a compassionate roadmap for encouraging a hesitant partner to try couples therapy, emphasizing empathy, timing, and emotional safety. His five-step approach helps shift the conversation from blame to mutual understanding, creating a foundation for connection and healing through professional support. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-steps-to-inspire-your-partner-to-join-you-in-attending-couples-therapy/ Quotes to ponder: "Don't try to inspire your partner when you are emotionally charged." "When we ask our partner to go to therapy, we're asking them to face pain and uncertainty." "Use empathy to validate your partner's fears or concerns." Episode references: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): https://iceeft.com/what-is-eft/ The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Struggling to understand what makes a relationship flourish over time? In this eye-opening episode with Dutch-American psychologist Julie Sharon, we uncover the science-backed secrets that separate thriving marriages from those that falter.When couples find themselves locked in the same frustrating conflict patterns, the answer might be surprisingly physiological. Julie reveals how a racing heart (over 100 BPM) signals we've entered "fight or flight" mode—a state where productive communication becomes nearly impossible. Learn why taking a structured 20-30 minute break can transform heated arguments into constructive conversations, and why agreeing to return to difficult topics builds crucial trust.The episode dives deep into the Gottmans' groundbreaking research on "bids for connection"—those small moments when we reach toward our partner for acknowledgment or engagement. Julie explains why couples who respond positively to these bids 86% of the time stay happily married, while those responding only 33% of the time face relationship breakdown. These seemingly minor interactions create what she calls an "emotional bank account" that buffers relationships during inevitable conflicts.Beyond the research, Julie shares practical tools you can implement today: the stress-reducing conversation (listening without solving), effective repair attempts after conflicts, and creating a culture of appreciation and kindness. She emphasizes that healthy relationships aren't conflict-free—they simply maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during disagreements.Ready to transform your relationship? Start by looking inward at your own contributions rather than focusing on your partner's shortcomings. As Julie reminds us: "Slow down, take a look inside. Don't respond too quickly. Think before you act, think before you speak, feel before you speak."Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: Strongermarriage.org Podcast.stongermarriage.org Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage/ Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongermarriagelife/ Dr. Dave Schramm: http://drdaveschramm.com http://drdavespeaks.com Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2569: Kerry Lusignan offers a compelling guide to one of the most underrated yet transformative relationship skills: taking breaks during conflict the right way. Discover how mastering the timing, purpose, and reconnection process after arguments can deepen intimacy, reduce harm, and build emotional resilience between partners. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/love-smarter-learning-take-break/ Quotes to ponder: "Breaks give you time to calm down, deepen your perspective, and have a successful 'do-over' with your partner." "Even if you are the one who initiated the space, it's not uncommon to find yourself feeling abandoned and rejected, or hyper-vigilant and self-protected." "Timeouts can't last forever. They play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple." Episode references: The Northampton Center for Couples Therapy: https://www.northamptoncouplestherapy.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Send us a textIt's one thing to want a healthy relationship—it's another to actually build one. In Part II of their deep dive on relationship dynamics, Anna and Tim break down the practical, research-backed habits that make healthy couples thrive.Join Anna and Tim as they explore the concept of "bids for connection" from Gottman theory, how to turn toward (instead of away or against) your partner, and the small daily actions that strengthen emotional intimacy. Whether you're in a long-term relationship or just starting out, this episode is packed with tools to help you connect better and fight smarter.This episode covers:What “bids for connection” are and how to respond to themThe difference between turning toward, away, and against your partnerHow distractions, dismissal, and criticism damage connectionWays to deepen emotional intimacy through small daily actionsHow to bring this practice into parenting, friendships, and work lifeGottman's Four Horsemen and what they predict about relationshipsWhy communication skills matter more than compatibilityUntil next time, here's to deeper connections and personal growth.Mad love!The podcast is now on YouTube! If you prefer to watch, head over to https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLw3CabcJueib20U_L3WeaR-lNG_B3zYqu__________________________________________Don't forget to subscribe to the Badass Confidence Coach podcast on your favorite podcast platform!CONNECT WITH ANNA:Instagram https://www.instagram.com/askannamarcolin/TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/tag/askannamarcolinEmail hello@annamarcolin.comWebsite https://www.annamarcolin.com__________________________________________And for all your nutritional supplement needs, go to https://www.DrinkAG1.com/ANNA for five free travel packs and a free one-year supply of Vitamin D/K2

In this episode, we explore how recommitting to daily conversations and weekly date nights can reignite emotional intimacy and transform your relationship with your partner.• Gottman research shows mapping your partner's inner world is crucial for emotional connection• People constantly change and evolve—nobody remains the same person they were when you married• Commit to 20 minutes of daily connection through walking and meaningful conversation• Move beyond transactional topics (kids, chores, schedules) to discover what excites or stresses your partner• Ask questions like "What are you learning right now?" or "Who are you enjoying talking to lately?"• Use weekly date nights to explore the origins of beliefs about sex, money, relationships• Investigate childhood experiences to understand where your partner's core beliefs originated• "Weed out" unhealthy beliefs and intentionally plant new ideas in your relationship garden• Emotional connection naturally enhances all other forms of intimacy• Utilize resources like card decks, apps, and games for inspiration if you're struggling with conversation startersI invite you to go for a walk with your spouse every single day, start mapping their inner world with really good questions, and make sure you're getting date night on the calendar every week. I promise it will make a huge difference in the connection, closeness and emotional intimacy you feel with your partner.Send us a text

Today's episode was inspired by our personal experiences and a blog post from The Gottman Institute all about perpetual versus solvable problems in long-relationships. As close friends, we've had a front seat to the common disagreements and issues that we each have in our 10-year long marriages. We often will talk through something and try to see the other partner's side, while also working towards solutions - which is what you'll get to hear in today's episode. The Gottman blog post was so interesting to us because it made us realize that what may be a solvable problem for Abby and Colin, may be a perpetual problem for Amy and Drew and vice versa. According to The Gottman Institute, 69% of problems in relationships are perpetual with the most common topics being household chores, parenting, sex, and in-law relationships. We are digging into a couple of these topics today and breaking down whether this is a perpetual or solvable problem in our own relationship and what we've done to work on it together as a couple. We hope that from listening to our personal experiences in today's episode, you're able to reflect if your marital arguments are perpetual or solvable problems in order to evolve with your partner and be in a really happy marriage.Links & Resources:20% off your order of Cymbiotika PLUS free shipping 20% off your first order at Vuori ClothingCheck out the Maui Nui Venison products we're loving!The Gottman Institute Blog Post, “Managing Conflict: Solvable vs Perpetual Problems”Let's connect!HERSELF PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/herselfpodcastHERSELF INSTAGRAM: http://instagram.com/herselfpodcastMEET AMY: http://instagram.com/ameskieferMEET ABBY: http://instagram.com/abbyrosegreenThis episode was brought to you by the Pivot Ball Change Network.

The Gottman Institute identified "The 4 Horseman of the Apocolypse", which can supposedly predict the end of a relationship. We shed some biblical light on these ideas as well as some helpful antidotes. We pray it blesses you!Master marital communication: https://speak.fiercemarriage.comTake the 31-Day Pursuit Challenge: https://31daypursuit.comPray for your spouse with intention: https://40prayers.comTo learn more about becoming a Christian, visit: https://thenewsisgood.comThis ministry is entirely listener-supported. To partner with us, visit https://fiercemarriage.com/partner Good news! You can now find FULL video episodes on our YouTube channel, The Fierce Family. Visit https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkyO4yVeRdODrpsyXLhEr7w to subscribe and watch. We hope to see you there!