The True You! Podcast

This is podcast description.

This is podcast description.

I spoke with Jim Brule’. Jim is a Maggid, which is a traditional storyteller who tells stories of healing, hope, and transformation. But, I first want to talk a bit about storytelling. None of us are strangers to the practice of hearing and telling stories; we’ve been hearing stories since the day we were born and often even before that. We all love to listen to a story told by a good storyteller. For me, it wasn’t until graduate school that I realized how powerfully stories can define us, and how we can allow stories to change the way we understand the world around us. “It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” Patrick Rothfuss, author In fact, when we tell stories to our kids we are contributing to the development of their morals; we are sculpting their values into something that resembles the way our own parents sculpted ours. Just re-read some of the fairy tales that we listened to and read as kids. Read some of the Brothers Grimm fairy tales and you should be able to see how those works may have contributed to the German national identity. Or read Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” or even watch some of our modern fairy tales, like Frozen and Moana. These stories instill values and morals into our kids, and into us, parents, as we tell them. You can very easily find themes of gender equality, gay rights, and warnings about having too much political power. Politics And the stories we tell our kids often align with the beliefs and values underlying our political ideologies. Psycholinguist George Lakoff writes about the ways in which our current political leaders have become skilled at weaving the language of liberal and conservative worldviews into their public discourse, and how that language becomes so deeply engrained into the teller and the listener that the transmission of political values has become an art form. In fact, it is impossible to have a transformative discussion with someone on the opposite political spectrum unless you understand the etiology, the silent meanings, of the words used by your opponent-storyteller. The only way we are going to win an argument with our political opposite is to use their own language, which carries generations of secret meaning meant to silently deliver deeply held beliefs, values, and morals. In fact, the power of stories to inform complex systems of thought is reflected in the fact that at a meeting in 2019 of the Annual Society of Neuroscience they held a minisymposia devoted to the topic of storytelling. Neurology I don’t want to make this too much about neuroscience (although Jim will speak briefly about this), and I certainly don’t want to make this about politics. But it reminds me why I love the art of storytelling. A good story affects us cognitively, neurochemically, and emotionally; it affects our values and morTine these ideas in action. And stories serve as hosts in the transmission of those values and morals to our children and to future generations. Today's Guest: Jim Brule' Jim Brule’ is a Maggid, which is a traditional Jewish narrator of transformational stories. He is a teller of stories that inspire growth and change in the listener. Jim is also a Clinical Psychologist by trade and is actively training others to become transformational storytellers. Head over to TransformationalStorytelling.org to learn more about Jim’s work as a Transformational Storyteller. Here’s my discussion with Jim Brule’. And stick around until the end of our discussion when Jim offers a story of transformation and hope.

Think about the last time you interacted with your spouse or partner. Did you think about how events in your partner’s day affected their current emotions? Were you able to acknowledge and understand their emotional state, and then use your own emotions to sooth them? Or did you stay inside of yourself, unable to use emotional expression to sooth your partner? In every interaction with our partner, and in every other social interaction, we have an opportunity to engage in one of the simplest and most powerful forms of relationship enhancement: Emotional Attunement. Remember Plasma Balls? When you touch the orb, the purple or blue bolts of electricity pull away from the center and gather at the tip of your finger. Emotional Attunement is like a Plasma Ball. Your partner’s emotional orb would be boring and unfulfilled if left sitting on a shelf, untouched. Instead, they need us to place our emotional fingers on the orb and connect with their emotions; to pull their emotions toward us, and ours toward them. When we can do that, we are practicing Emotional Attunement. Emotional Attunement is an essential relationship skill in which we recognize, understand, and engage with our partner’s emotional state. And research on relationship health consistently finds that when we fail to remain emotionally attuned to our partners our relationships experience a loss of trust, resentment, and eventual breakdown. WHAT CAUSES LACK OF EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT? Attachment During Infancy Emotional Attunement is an essential skill that we learn as infants. When our primary caregiver consistently recognizes, understands, and meets the needs expressed by our emotional state, we begin to develop a belief, that persists into adulthood, that emotional expression is a good thing; it helps those around us to better understand and meet our needs.    However, if something gets in the way of our primary giver’s ability to consistently respond to our emotions, due alcoholism, severe depression or anxiety, excessive work stress, or even marital distress, then we develop a persistent belief that our emotions have no value; that we should not express them because they are likely to fall on deaf ears. To make this more challenging, it is often the case that when a primary caregiver is unable to respond appropriately to their infant’s emotional messaging, they are more likely to value their children for their ability to sooth the parent’s emotional state. When that happens, those infants develop a persisting worldview that their emotional needs are not important and that there is no value in emotional expression. Instead, they believe that their job in life is to say and do whatever is needed to keep important people close to them. They learn that their worth is only to give to others. They learn to give away compliments, emotions, and physical energy in an emotionless, inauthentic, and draining effort to sustain the relationship. Or they give nothing, instead waiting for a mother figure to meet their emotional and physical needs (i.e., “I’m your wife, not your mother!”). Those with insecure attachment styles as a result of misattunement often first consider a partner’s behavior in terms of what it means for them, their needs, and the overall security in the relationship. Life Stressors Even those who experienced attuned caregiving during infancy can develop problems with attunement as adults. As above, things like alcoholism, being overworked, having severe anxiety, depression, or other forms of mental illness can affect one’s ability to develop or sustain emotionally healthy behaviors. When the stressor is removed or resolved, the individual will often again engage in emotional attunement behaviors. Individuals who are unable to engage in Emotional Attunement will display one or more of the following behaviors: Will become codependent by putting the needs of others first to gain their approval or loveRarely express e...

I want to talk a bit about authenticity. One interesting thing about authentic people is that you can identify them quickly. Authentic people have an energy that makes others want to be around them—they’re like magnets. Well, without saying it . . . sometimes without even knowing it . . . we are all striving to become our most authentic selves. And, in fact, the process of becoming our truest selves has been studied for decades. Erik Erikson was a developmental psychologist from the 1960’s who put quite a lot of effort into understanding how we can maintain our personal integrity . . .  how we stay true to ourselves . . . in the face of so many outside factors that want to pull at us . . . that want us to be something different . . . that challenge us to remain true to our beliefs, our values; that want to distract us from our life goals. I often imagine our truest self to be a perfectly round ball made up of loose parts connected on the inside with rubber bands . . . so the parts can temporarily pull away from the core then fall back into place when whatever was pulling at it goes away . . . and the goal is to never let a part of that core self get pulled too far for too long by some outside force . . . to not let that sphere stay out of shape for any longer than we want it to be. And when we have full and total control of the shape of that sphere, we have reached the holy grail of authenticity . . . we have become our truest self. You all know what this feels like . . . we usually experience our truest selves in kind of fleeting glimpses somewhere in adolescence—most of us didn’t stay there for very long. Even as adults most of our spheres look like one of those plastic spherical puzzles that you take apart and have to put back together again . . . except for some it never really gets put back together perfectly. Because it’s hard to be our truest selves. And I would argue that it’s harder today than it ever was! One of my favorite shows growing up was Little House on the Prairie.  I liked it for the same reason that kids love tree forts and big cardboard boxes: for the solace of being within a confined, controllable, and manageable space—a space where nothing is pulling at us—where we can be our truest selves.  The folks in that little house on the prairie were kind of isolated. Their families and close friends were their primary supports. They tended to hold a single job for a lifetime usually and their parents and grandparents usually did the same work. They met a fewer number of people each day, and those that they did meet likely held similar beliefs and values. It was safe; it was manageable—it was one socially confined cardboard box. But society today isn’t like that; we are progressing. We’re expanding.  We now have text messaging, cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, and email. We travel huge distances physically and virtually. We change jobs. We change partners. We relocate more frequently.  We meet sometimes hundreds of people each day, each with different perspectives, values, and opinions.  While exposure to that kind of diversity offers vibrancy and healthy challenges to stuck ways of thinking and being, we need to remember that rapid and continual challenges to our values and beliefs can contribute to confusion and unpredictability and uncertainty—it can be sort of an assault on our psychological moorings—it can cause that sphere of self to remain chronically out of shape. And when we feel constantly pulled apart from who and what we truly want to be, we feel it. And it’s not a good feeling. It seems no coincidence that rates of anxiety—feelings of uncertainty and unpredictability—have increased quite a lot in the past ten years.  Ironically, in this age of social opportunity our kids leave the house less frequently.  In the past ten years, rates of volunteerism amongst adolescents has decreased (and rates have increased amongst older adults—who are those less likely to use social media).

A few days ago, in a True You! Short Discussion, I talked about the fact that hitting and spanking our kids doesn’t work; it’s not supported by research in any situation or culture across the world. It doesn’t work. So, what does? Well, I said that I would talk a bit about how to use the Time Out to help manage our kids’ negative behaviors. Keep in mind that Time Outs are a part of a larger program of discipline—and there are many healthy approaches to child discipline. But Time Outs tend to work with most behavior management approaches. Parental Control First, I want to talk a bit about a topic that is an important part of my doctoral research and is something I’ve helped parents understand in over 20 years of work with parents who need solutions to their children’s behaviors. The topic is control. Now most of us parents are very well-intentioned. We aren’t abusive or neglectful; rather, we want to very best for our kids—and sometimes, we want the very best so much that we get too involved in our kid’s business. We start doing things for them that they are very capable of doing for themselves because we want to be sure that they succeed; we want to form a base on which they can thrive and eventually launch into adulthood. And we do that. We build a formidable launching pad for our kids, designed exactly to our very own specifications. Then we put huge walls around it, add three layers of offensive weaponry to keep out anything that we have deemed to be bad for them, then we plop them in the middle of this launching pad and tell them to thrive. I know this world is insane. As the father of a 12-year-old this world scares the hell out of me. I’m nervous about coordinating her launch into adulthood and it’s tempting to hover over her, making sure she does everything I think she should do to ensure her success. But when we do that, when we overcontrol our kids, when we do everything we can do to minimize their discomfort, to minimize their failures, to make sure they’re warm, that they don’t get their feet wet in the rain; when we make sure they pass that big test or properly manage their friendships, use guilt or shame to redirect their behavior, when we hit or spank then, we are often satisfying our need to feel like we’re actively parenting our kids; that we are ensuring their success in this crazy world. When we impose our will on our kids, what we are really doing is removing our child’s sense of agency over their environment; we are removing their sense of control. We are taking away from them to opportunity to learn that there is a consequence for everything they do. Wouldn’t it be great if our 7 year old would wake up in the morning, open up the door and feel the cool air, and think, “it’s cold outside today; it’s going to uncomfortable waiting for the school bus if I don’t wear a long sleeve shirt and put on a jacket?” Instead, what do many parents do? They say, “Good morning, it’s cold today; make sure you wear dress warm; that long sleeve shirt we bought the other day would be perfect for today!” Why do we think we have to inform them of this? It’s well-intentioned; but it prevents your child from using a skill that they are very capable of using; and in so doing, it gives them a powerful sense of pride; a sense of control of their environment. When they make a good decision, on their own, it instills in them a sense of independence, of confidence, of control; independent problem solving is an essential skill that kids need to successfully launch into adulthood. What I’m not suggesting is that parents give up authority or relinquish their responsibilities as parents—there is a huge difference between being in control and being controlling. But what happens with many parents is that they recognize that if we let our kids make their own, developmentally appropriate decisions, that they will, at first, make decisions that result in their discomfort. We know that our kids will be cold at the bus stop.

Over the weekend I saw at least two memes on social media talking about spanking. The one that REALLY got me read, “my parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as ‘respect for others.’” This belief has two really big problems with it. One, it assumes that that spanking kids is a good thing. It also suggests that children who are spanked develop increased respect for others. I think these memes should be required to cite their sources—and no, I don’t mean “as believed by this faithful believer in Facebook memes!” What was just as interesting is that, when I searched for this meme on the web, I found the same one with thumbs up and thumbs down voting buttons. And this was as disturbing to me as the meme itself. For this meme there were 2379 thumbs up and 998 thumbs down. Of the 3,377 people who chose to vote on the sentiment, over 70%, said to themselves, “yep . . . for sure . . . kids need to be hit in order to whip ‘em into shape.” You’ve likely seen dozens of memes, social media posts, and direct statements from devout believers in spanking that the problem with kids today is that they just aren’t hit enough; they need to be hit to keep them in line! I know there are a lot of people out there who like to dismiss research—rather, it seems that there are people out there who like to pick and choose the research they believe in based upon their preferred habits, belief systems, and morals. So, in some ways I know that despite the huge, vast, amount of incredibly credible research that denounces any benefits of spanking kids there are going to be those that stand their ground, saying, “I don’t know . . . I was hit as a kid and I turned out great.” ---maybe one of the benefits of spanking is that the kids will turn out being unable to distinguish between and subjective reality. So I thought I would talk a bit about the research that strongly points to spanking as entirely detrimental to kids—with no benefit whatsoever—at least no benefit that can’t be gained from other parenting approaches that DON’T have all of the negative consequences. Ok, so this is an important point . . . the reality is that any credible research out there supports the hypothesis that even if spanking can get parents the outcome they are looking for, it carries with it many enduring negative consequences to kids; and that it is very possible to get the same benefits—which really is compliance—we want our kids to comply with authority. But it is very possible that we parents can get our children to comply with authority using parenting approaches that actually add ADDITIONAL benefits with regard to our children’s emotional, psychological, and behavioral health. What is Spanking? Spanking is open handed hitting that doesn’t physically harm the child and is done with the purpose of modifying the child’s behavior—and this has been done for many generations. But in the past 10 years or so, as the evidence has accumulated, you will find no major professional organizations, including the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics, supporting the practice of hitting our kids in order to change their behavior. In fact, I implore you to send me one convincing article from a peer reviewed academic journal—kind of the gold standard in reporting research results—or one statement from a respected professional organization that supports the practice of spanking or hitting our kids. Guys, it doesn’t work! In fact, in one article from a journal called Child Development Perspectives in 2013, they found that spanking is actually associated with LESS compliance from our children and can actually cause our kids to act out more than they were before—they can actually become MORE aggressive than they were before. Now, I would imagine that the person who posted the meme supporting a link between being hit and being respectful is saying right now,

There is so much happening in our world: from COVID, to politics, to so many lifestyle changes. To me, these changes are both unnerving and fascinating, especially around American politics. Here is something that is certain: our political beliefs are a reflection of our values and morals; and they are very often a reflection of how we were raised. Our politics are reflected in how we parent and how we care for others. So how we develop our political thinking is fascinating. And in many ways what is happening with politics is storytelling. Our political thinking represents an oral tradition that passes our values, morals, and beliefs to the next generation. And some politicians are simply very good at telling that story. Today’s episode is about storytelling . . . . not political stories; that’s not really a hill I want to professionally die on. Here in my office I have a small collection of Pueblo storytellers. You may know what I’m referring to—most of them of are pretty small, maybe a few inches, tall; they are handcrafted from clay with bright colors and they portray a figure that is sitting and usually holding kids or even animals on his or her lap; the figure can be pretty much anything, but are often a man or woman or any type of animal even. Pueblo Storytellers have a really distinctive, exaggerated open mouth that makes it really hard to deny that the figure represented in the art is telling a story with purpose; a story that’s important to them. Sometimes the kids even have open mouths, as if they are repeating the story they are being told. You probably know that storytelling is important in the Native American culture. In fact, Native American people see their storytelling tradition as crucial in the preservation of the morals, values, traditions, and experiences of their culture. Storyteller pottery started in the 1960’s by a woman named Helen Cordero, from Cochiti Pueblo, New Mexico. And since then well over 200 potters across 13 pueblos have created their versions of the storyteller figures, all with varying shapes and sizes. Some are represented as Santas, or owls, or Koshares, which are pueblo Indian clowns that represent ancestral spirits. So the reason I have a fascination with Pueblo storytellers is because I have a really great respect for storytelling. Storytelling is something I’m not great at, unfortunately, but I know good storytelling when I hear it! And I think that’s areally hard to find. And it's something I don’t find in most Hollywood movies or even NY Times best sellers. Too many of those stories are formulaic; they’re predictable; and nd most really don’t teach us much. What I love is a story that passes cultural values to future generations; that instills the principles, morals, and belief systems of a society. And storytelling is important in counseling, because the stories we tell become a reality of some ways. So we can begin to re-write the way we have always understood things. And hopefully we can re-write things with honest, accurate appraisals of the world around us. Storytelling is a true artform, and there really are only a few people in my own life that are good at. My wife is tired of hearing me tell this story, but it’s such a good memory. Several years ago my wife and I went to Chebeague Island in Maine and stayed for the weekend. We stayed at the only Inn on the island. We were hanging out in the great room—kind of a main area of the Inn—and there was a bar there. My wife said she needed to go back to the room for something so I sat down at the bar for a bit (Maine, after all, does have a few great micro breweries that are represented around town!). At the other end of the bar there were two older men talking—probably in the ‘80s. We were the only three sitting there. Eventually, one of the men left, and this older gentleman stayed behind talking with the bartender. There was a break in the conversation—in fact, it was kind of a long and awkward break,

In this episode I meet with divorce mediator, Max Markin, who helps me talk about the ins and outs of divorce mediation. Max is a professional family mediator and founder of Markin Mediation. He works with the Center for Mediation & Training in New York and the Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation in Scottsdale, AZ. Max offers sliding scale services, because he believes professional family mediation should be accessible to people of all incomes. Before earning his Master’s degree from Brooklyn College, Max received a BA from the University of Minnesota and later studied dispute resolution at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. He is a member of the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation, the Family & Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York, and is co-chair on the Academy of Professional Family Mediators conference committee.

Dylan Emmons was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at the age of 6 and is now a college professor, author, and public speaker

Heather Beebe is a Life Coach in Upstate New York. She spoke with me about her business, her mission to help her clients overcome life’s challenges, and how she has become successful in doing so. Her website can be found at https://www.unstoppableyoucoach.com. When we are going through some difficult times in our lives, what does it take to learn new ways of thinking; to arrive at a behavior or way of being that is so different from past behaviors that it leads to needed changes in our lives. One of the hot words in psychotherapy is insight. Insight has been studied for decades and they find that when someone arrives at an insightful solution to a problem they experience significant change in their perspective of the problem. But what does it take to arrive at insight? Is it something that we arrive at independently? Does someone need to instill in us the knowledge that leads to insight? Research Supports Life Coaching I read an article recently titled, From AHA to Ta-Dah: Insights during Life Coaching and the Link to Behavior Change. The article reviewed studies that find that Life Coaching can help us overcome difficult life challenges through changes in our behavior. It revealed that coaching can lead to positive changes in our sense of well-being and ability to cope. The article also suggests that life coaching can help us maintain better attitudes and a better ability to regulate our emotions. But there remains some uncertainty about HOW coaching can lead to behavior change. One idea is coaching can help us become more mindful of our behaviors by becoming less robotic and more aware of how we are acting. Another idea is that coaching leads to behavior change through the development of insight. These are loaded ideas because even in the psychotherapy world there is debate about whether insight is necessary to create positive change. No less, there is a quite a bit of evidence that Life Coaching can help create meaningful change in our lives. Heather is a dynamic, well-spoken, and powerful presence and I could have spoken with her for hours. Here is my interview with Heather Beebe.

An unusual and powerful not-for-profit, BACA empowers children who have been, or are at risk of, being abused. This conversation was full of color, candor, and passion for the cause. Check out the local BACA chapter at http://newyork.bacaworld.org/syracuse-ny-chapter/.

I speak with Dr. Merryl Hammond, who is a health professional diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2008 at the age of 51. Almost overnight, she flipped from being a public health consultant to a locked ward patient. In Mad Like Me: Travels in Bipolar Country she shares the vivid details of her struggles with bipolar. By being fearlessly honest, she hopes to demystify this greatly misunderstood mental illness, and to humanize the people it affects.

Sherry Amatenstein joins me to discuss those individuals whose depression, anxiety, and difficulties with mood regulation sort of flies under the radar; whose outward appearance doesn’t match their inner turmoil. High functioning mental illness affects tens of thousands of people in the United States each year--and it needs to be talked about!

A conversation with Howard Potter, Owner and CEO of A & P Master Images in Utica, New York. Howard's story of resilience, opportunity, and strength offers inspiration to those who forget that they can take control of their thoughts, emotions, and their lives.

Ever feel like a fraud despite great success in your career? In this episode I speak with Dr. Valerie Young, who is an internationally recognized expert on impostor syndrome. She has spoken to hundreds of thousands people at such diverse organizations as Apple, Boeing, Merck, IBM, Intel, Facebook, Microsoft, Chrysler, BP, Blizzard Entertainment, NASA, Society of Women Engineers, and Women in Trucking. She’s also been a guest speaker for students, faculty, and administrators at over 85 colleges and universities including Harvard, Stanford, MIT, Cal Tech, Carnegie Mellon, and Oxford. Valerie is also the author of an award-winning book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It (Random House) now available in five languages and her advice has appeared in dozens of major media outlets around the world including BBC radio, CNN Money, Time, Newsweek, Science, O magazine, and the Sydney Morning Herald.

Our emotions often drive the way we are perceived by others and the way we perceive ourselves. Our emotions often determine our success in our careers and our relationships. So, it is essential that we develop the ability to control our emotions when they get out of hand--and certainly before they do! In Episode 1 of True You! I'll talk about how you can control your emotions using a bit of "emotional intelligence."

From the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains in Upstate New York this is True You! at gregkovacs.com, the podcast that’s erasing the stigma of mental illness through unashamed, honest, and informative conversation!