Dying Kindness

Most of us have never seen a death up close, let alone many. How, then, can we know what to do or say to support someone else who's dying? How can we know what to expect for our own deaths? "With the End in Mind" by Kathryn Mannix is a book of stories drawn from the author's long career in palliative care. Each story gives perspective on a different aspect of the dying process, providing insight and information to help the reader be more prepared. In this episode, I discuss the book and why I think everyone can benefit from reading it.

So it's time to write an obituary. Who should do it and how? What needs to be included? What should be left out? Where does it go? What is an obituary for, anyway?

The phrase "quality of life" comes up often, particularly when completing an Advance Directive or when dealing with the medical system. But what does it mean? And who gets to define it? 

Hello! After a long while, I am restarting this podcast. Because it's my birthday and that's my present to my self (and to you).

A brief overview of the range of issues faced by LGBTQ seniors towards the end of life.

Do you have art that means a lot to you? Will others know why they mattered to you or what they're worth? Here are some quick tips to help other treasure your treasures.

I haven't posted a new episode for a couple of months. I've been grieving the death of my friend, Jen Angel.   Some good articles about Jen: Food, Love, and Revolution: Jen Angel's Legacy by Carwil Bjork-James, Yes! Magazine Jen Angel Wanted to Abolish Police and Prisons. She Wouldn't Want Her Death to Be Used to Incarcerate Anyone. by Brook Anderson, In These Times   and Jen's entry in Wikipedia

I want to do what I can to age well, including preventing getting dementia. I'm learning (and sharing) a range of steps to protect my brain. One of the big ones is deciding to reduce my alcohol intake, going alcohol free.   Interviews with Joshua James & Danny Meeks, Ocean Beach Cafe   Referenced: Keep Sharp: Build a Better Brain at Any Age by Sanjay Gupta Huberman Lab podcast episode, "What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain, and Health" "Alcohol and Dementia — What's the Link? a Systematic Review"    

What you can expect for Dying Kindness in 2023, including ways that the decisions we make decades before retirement impact our ability to age well, and affect others in our immediate circle, beyond those we know, and for generations to come. 

Most people want to die at home, but the ability to stay home depends heavily on how well it's set up to age in place. This holiday season, take advantage of being home to look around and take notes on what might make it hard to age well at home.

Do you have a signature dish? Have you written down the recipe? Why you should record how to make foods associated with you so others can make it when you're gone.   Buy "Like Water for Chocolate" by Laura Esquivel at Bookshop.org (affiliate link) DyingKindness.com  

Maybe you've told people what you want done with your body when you die. Have you also written down exactly what you want for your funeral? And have you paid for it?  Dean Lambert from the Love Always Project knows firsthand how easy it can be to miss important details when planning a funeral. He shares his 30 years of experience as well as personal stories to encourage everyone to arrange and fund their own funerals in advance.   In this episode: https://www.lovealwaysproject.org/ https://www.dyingkindness.com/ https://www.dyingkindness.com/support/  

Samhain. Halloween. All Saints Day. All Souls Day. Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). All of these holidays are about the connection between the living and the dead. And they all present the dead in different ways. Taking a look at these differences can be a fun way to think about where we get our concepts about death and how our loved ones might relate to us after we die.

What is a revocable living trust and who needs one? What's the difference between a will and a trust? If you have a will, do you need a trust?    Mentioned: Natural Organic Reduction in California: https://recompose.life/2022/california/ https://www.dyingkindness.com/ Dying Kindness bookstore: https://bookshop.org/lists/dying-kindness  

A discussion with Edward Bixby of the Green Burial Council on eco-friendly burial options – and the consumer's role in helping expand what's available.   Mentioned in this episode: https://www.dyingkindness.com/ https://www.greenburialcouncil.org/ GBC map of certified providers: https://www.greenburialcouncil.org/interactive-maps.html https://destinationdestinymemorials.com/ https://www.steelmantowncemetery.com/ "Climate Change: The massive CO2 emitter you may not know about" by Lucy Rodgers for BBC "Lawn Maintenance and Climate Change" paper by Princeton Student Climate Initiative "This heatwave is a reminder that grass lawns are terrible for the environment" article by Akin Olla for The Guardian  

In addition to choosing an emergency contact, you should prepare contact lists for who they should call if you ended up in a crisis or need longer-term support. In this episode, Cianna goes over what kinds of contact lists you should prepare for different situations.

We all know we should write a will, but how do you get started? Here are some tips on what to prepare that will make it easier and will save you time and money when you sit down to write your own will. Referenced: DyingKindness.com Episode 4: The Value of Physical Stuff Book: The Poetry of Impermanence, Mindfulness, and Joy (affiliate link)  

People are living longer and longer. While generally that's a good thing, it also means that more of us are going to need long-term care – and that can get expensive. What is long-term care? What options are there? And how can we plan for it?  In this episode, Cianna talks with leading LTC expert Matt McCann. McCann is recognized as one of the nation's leading long-term health care specialists, and is the publisher of LTC News.   Mentioned in this episode: Consumer focused news & resources: LTCnews.com  McCann Insurance Services: RadioLTC.com Information from U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services: LongTermCare.gov American Association for Long-Term Care Insurance: AALTCI.org Medical bills are leading cause of bankruptcy U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services report shows “70% of adults who survive to age 65 develop severe LTSS needs before they die and 48% receive some paid care over their lifetime”  About Larry Lujack

If you were to become incapacitated or die suddenly, what would your people need to know?  This is a replay of Episode 1, updated to include an announcement for BinderDash, a workshop + co-working session to help you get the Essentials of your Death Binder done: https://binderdash-august2022.rsvpify.com  

The decisions made by the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) during this past session raised some concerns about how certain classes of people and situations will be different treated from state to state. Cianna shares some initial thoughts about steps to take related to advance directives and other concerns around death and dying moving forward.

What's the point of obituaries? Why are some people so into reading them? Should you draft your own obituary as a Dying Kindness? Today we talk with Michael Osborne from the podcast Famous & Gravy, a podcast about what really matters in life, and what's gravy... one dead celebrity at a time.   Referenced: Famous & Gravy Generation Anthropocene New York Times Obituaries Obituary for Shirley Temple Black Famous & Gravy episode on Shirley Temple Black

For most of us, there will come a point when we'll need to have someone else help manage our finances. Two common approaches are to set up a joint bank account, or use a Power of Attorney for Finances. Which is better? How do you decide which to use?

A funeral can get expensive. In this episode, I break down the elements of a traditional burial funeral in the United Stages, and the median costs.

After a lifetime of independence, it can be tough to age or get ill and start to need help. So many of us fear becoming a burden so we resist asking for help. But at what point will our independence become a problem? What's the difference between asking for help and being a burden?

A discussion of the kinds of things that you could (and should) include in your living will, including examples that Cianna wrote into her own.  Topics: Living Will, Advance Directive   Mentioned: DyingKindness.com NOLO Press Book: The Art of Dying Well Book: A Beginner's Guide to the End Dying Kindness Bookshop  The Death Deck The Conversation Project Estate lawyer: Kathleen Hunt Book: Death Poems

Living Will. DNR. Advance Directive. POLST.  You know these forms are important. But are they the same? Do you need all of them? What are they for? And when would you need them?   Forms are location specific. Do an online search for "[where you live] and [name of form]" or ask your lawyer to get the right version for you.   Recap of summary:  Everyone over the age of 18 should specify their wishes and designate a health care proxy, ideally with an Advance Directive or Living Will and Medical Power of Attorney If you're close to the end of life or frail and the risk of complications from resuscitation would not be worth it, that's when you want a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order If you're close to the end of life and don't want to artificially extend your life and you want to be sure that your wishes are honored (and it's available in your area), get a Physician Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment (POLST)

Selecting the right Health Care Agent is a critical factor in ensuring that we get the kind of care we want when we're critically injured or nearing the end of our lives. Your agent will be responsible for implementing your Advance Healthcare Directive, and (even more) for understanding why you made the decisions you made so they can respond to unanticipated situations. How do you choose the right person? What, exactly, would you be asking them to do?   Referenced:  Review of studies on racial bias in pain perception in NCBI: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17187552/

Thinking about dying has me thinking about aging. And as I took my aging body on a hike, I decided maybe it's time to get used to using hiking poles—and this had me thinking about what we can do now so that we can keep what we love doing for longer.

Do you want to be buried near your parents? Want your children to scatter your ashes at your favorite beach? Would your family visit your memorial tree in a forest? What kinds of things do you need to take into consideration when you're choosing your final resting place?   Bonus in this episode: An interview with Mike Szymanski, creator of the #DoxieTombstone in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

Burial or Cremation? That question is important, yes, and it's not the only thing that needs to be decided about what will happen with your body after you die. This episode covers some of the practical decisions that need to be made regarding final disposition.

Sure, it's important to talk about death and what we want. But how do you even begin this conversation? What if you're ready to talk but someone else is resistant? And what do we even need to talk about? In this episode I interview Kate deBartolo from The Conversation Project, and Lisa Pahl and Lori LoCicero from The Death Deck. They share tools and personal stories that can help you get the conversation started, regardless of how comfortable (or uncomfortable) you and your loved ones are with the topic.   https://theconversationproject.org/ https://thedeathdeck.com/ https://www.instagram.com/thedeathdeck/    

Just what kinds of things would be useful to the people we'll leave behind when we die? What decisions need to be made? What goes into a "Death Binder"?

Presenting three books with good lessons learned from the dying on how to live (and die) well: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying - Bronnie Ware The Four Things That Matter Most - Ira Byock When Breath Becomes Air - Paul Kalanithi Related links:   Bronnie Ware's blog post that started it all: https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/   Link to Ira Byock's book page: https://irabyock.org/books/the-four-things-that-matter-most/   Lucy Kalanithi speaks at TEDMED https://www.ted.com/talks/lucy_kalanithi_what_makes_life_worth_living_in_the_face_of_death

Karen Reppen describes herself as being once "the most death phobic person on the planet." Now she's on the board of the National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA) and an advocate for death education. In this interview, she shares what she learned on her journey to overcome her fear of death, what an end-of-life doula does, and thoughts on NEDA's role in the death positivity movement.

Logistics are not the only things that complicate death. The holidays can be an emotional time. Here are five ways to help take care of the emotional side of the impact your death will have on those you love.

We often refer to the idea of a "good death" without really digging in to what that means for us. But being clear about it is critical when it comes to completing an Advance Care Directive.

Samhain. Halloween. All Saints Day. All Souls Day. Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead).   All of these holidays are about the connection between the living and the dead. And they all present the dead in different ways. Taking a look at these differences can be a fun way to think about where we get our concepts about death and how our loved ones might relate to us after we die.

Have questions about estate planning? Listen in on my first conversation with an estate lawyer, Kathleen Hunt. I ask basic questions and learn so much!

What can be done with cremated remains? So many things!

"Hospice is not giving up." Retired hospice nurse Edwina Moldover clears up misconceptions about hospice and says that the biggest mistake we make is not accessing hospice earlier.

When we die, we'll leave behind a lot of physical stuff. How should we think about the value of that stuff? And how can we make it easier for our loved ones to distribute it after we're gone?

What can a Will convey - and when is it not enough? Discussed in this episode: Wills Estate Planning with a lawyer Time and costs of Probate Court Thresholds for automatic Probate Beneficiary Designations Interview w/ Miguel Torres, MilesTorresLaw.com Poem: New Orleans Limbo by Andrei Codrescu from Death Poems, ed. Russ Kick    

Notes on what decisions will need to be made by your loved ones in the first few days after your death.   In this episode: Final disposition Finances Obituary Social media

If you were to get into an accident, what would your loved ones need to know right away? This episode introduces Dying Kindness, and walks through some practical notes on what you should have prepared for the first few hours of your possible incapacity or death.   In this episode: Emergency contact Need-to-know list Health Care Directive Dependents Organ donation Death Certificate Where to take your body