Totes Pod

Get excited!

Warning: this contains discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.If you're experiencing any of these yourself please call 988 in NYC or talk with your therapist. In extreme cases where your life is at risk please call 911, or please go to the emergency room you trust most.

Listen as I cry and give a special tribute to the one who's always been too good to be true. I suggest you revisit the episode I made called “Challenging My Pedestals” as a charming companion to this episode. Also, Anderson Cooper's podcast I mention in this episode is called “All There Is with Anderson Cooper”…. You must listen to it! It's brilliant, and made me fall ever more deeply in love with him.

An update.

Was cut off rudely by my reminder to move my car (lol), please enjoy the 2nd part of my Astoria Park walk! Beautiful bird sounds in the background enhance the experience here.

Life is NOT fair (and I'm telling myself to get over it), and Astoria Park has a running track!

Loves it. Abi Totes shares some updates. She is so exhausted, notice how she signs off at the end!

Get excited! I share how I was inspired to choose a word of the year (thank you to the incomparable Priscilla Hummel!!!!!)…. And I talk a lot about my journey with gratitude. Notes:The Calm app: https://www.calm.comBook: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff (You NEED THIS. If you already own it, you NEED TO ACTUALLY READ IT NOWWWW!)Podcast: A Slight Change of Plans. The episode you need to hear where she interviews Kristin Neff is called “The Science of Self-Compassion”On Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/a-slight-change-of-plans/id1561860622?i=1000617332975On Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/23TYfdiKuafk6OH3laAEaz?si=m23CBi30S26epgLouz0kWA

A glimpse into an evening of public crying, mostly on the C and N trains. A cool, rainy, magical evening of releasing pain and feeling the ghosts of my life ever presently as I traversed the city's underbelly.Yet another love letter to my city.

In this episode (I'm back, BTW!!!) I share more attempts at self compassion. I reveal some things about myself that I wasn't fully noticing… and do my best to forgive myself, even though it is not easy! Corn Flakes do actually factor into the whole thing—more than you'd expect! (Not an ad for Corn Flakes. They happened to be on sale in a big way—a GIANT SIZE box for $5.99!!!!!!—at my local bougie grocery store and I got really excited about that.)

Wow, I just looked up “receive” and the first google result says, as part of the second definition:“suffer, experience, or be subject to (specified treatment).”WOW.Now I need to also do an entire episode on how receiving is also suffering, haha!Anyway- THIS episode is centered on a “letter from love” that I wrote to myself just now.Please see:Elizabeth Gilbert's Letters from Love Substack: https://elizabethgilbert.substack.com/p/welcome-to-letters-from-loveWe Can Do Hard Things podcast episode with Liz Gilbert as guest where Abby Wombach reads her “letter from love” (Abby + Abi = yay!)…Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/47ZDTvAG9dGK1CMmL5Nekc(This is episode #268)Thanks for being here with me!

Lately I've noticed a large (or larger than I'd like) gap between how I care for others and how I care for myself. I put a tremendous amount of love and kindness into my efforts and words given to those I love, but when it comes to myself I'm often mean, harsh, and pushy. I'm really my own bully. This is a reminder for you and for me that we must see ourselves as worthy of love no matter what. Our self love must not be conditional. It's not easy, it's hard. Disclaimer: I recorded this episode while on a walk in New York City, so the sound quality is not as good as I'd like it to be. This is my purposefully imperfect episode (I'm challenging myself, as a perfectionist, to be ok with real life and imperfection). Thank you for being here! Please follow/subscribe and leave comments/rate the podcast! If you have suggestions for episode themes, please wrote them in your comment/review. Thank you!

Recently I've been telling someone I love very much that multiple things can be true, all at once. Even though it doesn't feel that way, even though it feels hard and confusing. I'm now trying to tell this thing to myself. And to you.Here are some references for things I've included in this episode:Brené Brown quote (about joy) from Unlocking Us, episode about her book The Gifts of Imperfection (where she has a convo with her sisters about the book):“The most vulnerable emotion that we experience, the one that really pricks us the most, is joy. Joy is a hard emotion to let ourselves experience.”John Mulaney youtube clip, called “Psychologists Analyze Comics | John Mulaney Presents: Everybody's In L.A. | Netflix Is A Joke”: https://youtu.be/PkJ6gjKp8go

Getting supes intense about being an artist, since I am finally making it my highest priority in my life! Hope you enjoy. Thank you for being a Totes Pod fan.

Special love message !! Plus, companion music video: https://youtu.be/9WlYNGS_7Y4 Please listen to the very end. ❤️ Love, Abi Totes

On this episode, I share the war going on between the MOTIVATOR part of me and the LITTLE ABI/THE EXHAUSTED ONE part of me. I also share my own "Letter from Love" inspired by the recent ritual of Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love; City of Girls; Big Magic; and so many more books), that I learned about from a recent podcast episode of We Can Do Hard Things. I was also inspired to tell this story by a beautiful email and blog post by Kara Brook Brown, the owner and founder of Bee Inspired by Waxing Kara (beeinpsiredgoods.com). Bee Inspired has some of my most favorite (and coveted products), including my most favorite body butter, face masks (I'm obsessed with the Clarity Dry Mask), honey, honey lollipops, tea, candles and so much more. You must check it out. The blog post is found here: https://beeinspiredgoods.com/blogs/good-reads/cultivate-self-love FYI this is not a sponsored podcast episode or anything. I just simply adore Bee Inspired (and love listening to We Can Do Hard Things) and wanted to share them with you! Extra special thanks to my therapist for expert guidance and helping me learn to give space, room, acceptance, and love to every part of myself.

Hi there Totes Pod fans! It's been almost a year since I made an episode for you, so there's a lot of catching up to do. Basically, I live in Florida now, so I am telling you about what it's been like to adjust to this new land.

It turns out I've been putting a lot of people on pedestals, and I don't love this. I want to address this with you, as you may be one of the people I have put on a pedestal! I might even have you up on a pedestal right this very second. If so, I hope to change that and I endeavor to see you as a whole human being, rather than some majestic god or oracle.

My dearest love… the place I've loved forever. New York City. I've written her several poems, sung to her while walking upon her sidewalks and streets… performed on her stages, and wished I could stay here forever. There's no place more magical to me.

What a holiday season it has been so far. I have been working pretty much non-stop, likely the most hours I've ever worked during a 4th quarter while working in retail (the gift business). I've felt pretty Scroogelike and Grinchy.... I've not been in any mood to celebrate or be joyful. I've struggled with being grateful. Yet, I just had a realization and remembered what this time of year used to mean for me, and I wanted to share it here with you. Thank you for joining me in 2022 as my Totes Pod fam. Wishing you a Happy and Healthy New Year!

Hi there, Totes Pod fam! I've missed you. I'm deep in the heinously wretched 4th quarter (as an email marketer) in the gift industry. It's SUPER FUN. (I am being sarcastic.) Anyway, I wanted to give you a little, brief, and fun episode, so I am singing for you the very songs I sing to my little kittles--- my little kitty cats. I hope you enjoy it!

This may possibly be my longest episode so far, and it's about how I hold in a lot of resentment, and how I want to see if I can grant my resentment some space. I hope to give my resentment some space, to see if perhaps it might shift and maybe allow me more freedom to move past it. I also wanted to talk about resentment with you, because I don't notice people talking about it very often, except in the realm of couples or couples therapy-- in this case, I am not even talking about resentment that relates to my partner! This is resentment about how things went in my life, even though I am not sure they really could have gone another way, considering the conditions I was up against. Thank you for listening!

This past week I've been closely examining the stories I tell myself about myself. PHEW. It's pretty intense, and reasonably exhausting, but it's also quite healing. I've begun to notice that so many of the stories I hold about myself are quite judgmental and often not really based in truth. I encourage you to think about your own stories, the long-held beliefs you espouse... and really examine them. Are they true? If not, what is ACTUALLY TRUE? I firmly believe this is a powerful healing tool we can continue to use throughout life. I hope this episode helps you heal, and, of course, reminds you that you are not alone.

This episode is a pretty major rant, but it's also of utmost importance to me. I want people to understand that it is not ok to tell another person that what they do is a "hobby." The word is inherently dismissive, diminishing, and often insulting. I've observed many people throwing the word around without much awareness, and I believe it's time to pay attention to how this word is used. Are you using the word as in insult? Do you mean to diminish the life's work of a person? Really, I loathe the word. If you want to find out more, or if perhaps you know how I feel and you want to feel validated, please listen to this episode.

In this episode I share my recent experiences with my new job, with what I've been learning about myself, and how strange (yet incredible) it is to begin to learn to actually notice myself. I mean, to notice myself as an individual, rather than someone who exists to put everyone else first. It's kind of awkward, but so important. I hope this helps you see that you are a person worthy of love, and that, if you have similar struggles... you are not alone.

Finally I've returned to share some stories with you, my beloved Totes Pod fans! Thank you for your patience. In this episode, I share my utter loss for the right words, and how beyond exhausted I've been for what feels like a very, very long time. Plus I mention the magical Tara Brach -- who is quite a genius and has the most soothing, healing voice. I also mention the book “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” by Emily Nagoski (who also wrote the WONDROUS “Come As You Are”) and her sister Amelia Nagoski. Obv I highly recommend you look up Tara Brach and this very useful book on burnout. Thanks for listening!

It turns out that maybe we have actually achieved something. I mean, we may often feel like failures or like we're not where we want to be in life, but... the truth is, we have gone through a lot. So, maybe let's just consider having some compassion for ourselves, and also let's maybe notice some of the things we have achieved along the way.

You won't believe it, but until a day or so ago I had not watched either Sex & The City movie! I just happened to finally watch the first one, and my devotion to Carrie was reignited as it so often is. Well, my love for and devotion to Carrie sparked the creation of this very special episode. Hope you enjoy it!

My symbols of luxury may be different from yours, but what do they mean? Is it ok for me to want luxury, or even a life that is debt-free? I wonder how you feel about your desires for a better or different life when you examine them. I'm sharing the story of one of my favorite symbols of luxury and what came up for me while writing this episode for you.

Permission has been on my mind a lot lately. In fact, I even asked permission of a couple of close friends and my boyfriend before I even began to write this episode on Permission. In this episode, I mention a podcast I really love. It's called Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries with Vicki Tidwell Palmer. I highly recommend it, especially if you are ever struggling with boundaries -- I almost always am! I love the podcast, as it has granted me permission to do some things I really have needed to do for myself, even if I thought they were totally unacceptable before I had listened in. If you enjoy getting affirmation from those you trust and love, you may enjoy my exploration into this exercise, into where it comes from and some of the insecurities I've observed that are associated with permission for me. Thank you, as always, for listening and for being a member of the Totes Pod fam!

In this episode of Totes Pod, I share my story of venturing into the sunlight, going on walks in Brooklyn shortly after sunrise, and some things I've learned about the effects of sunlight on sleep, gut health, and mental health. If you'd like to hear the podcast episodes that inspired these life changes, please refer to the “Holiday Spectacular 2021” episode of Armchair Expert, and the wondrously informative episode of Dr. Huberman's Lab podcast called “Dr. Samer Hattar: Timing Your Light, Food, & Exercise for Optimal Sleep, Energy, & Mood” (episode 43). Thank you for joining me. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year from Totes Pod!

On this episode of Totes Pod, I reiterate for you two loves of my life. These are not humans (though I do have one human who is the love of my life)... These are two things that are loves of my life. I also dive a bit into the description of my current day-to-day life, which is reasonably depressing, but perhaps a bit entertaining, and may also bring you a bit of joy and laughter as you hear my telling of it. Thank you for joining me, and for being a beloved member of the Totes Pod fam.

On this episode of Totes Pod, I share the absolute joy and exquisite experience of becoming someone else. As I recall these feelings, I am beginning to see that there is also a someone within me that has not had much of a chance to live. I'm beginning to give that person attention, though it's quite a challenge. I'm excited to see what I find out next, as I actually allow this person space to exist in this world. If you've lost parts of yourself, or the true you has been hidden or suppressed....this might help give your true self permission to begin to emerge as well.

In this episode of Totes Pod, we spend time together pondering, wondering, and exploring. How does a person determine what they really want? Some people seem to just know, and I think a lot of people pretend and act like they know. If you've been thinking a lot about who you are and who you want to be, this episode might help you feel less alone. Thank you for helping me feel less alone, by listening in and joining me as I try to figure things out.

Late at night, as I was listening to one of my fave sleep podcasts, "Nothing Much Happens", spoken and written by the wonderfully enchanting Kathryn Nicolai, she said these two words: "Ordinary miracles" and I knew what I had to share with you. In this episode, written in a time when I've been experiencing a lot of rage, anger, frustration, physical pain, and general overwhelm... I decided it would help all of us to focus on ordinary miracles. This can be especially useful as the impending doom of Thanksgiving and other big holidays swiftly approach us. I'm doing my best to notice the little, and sometimes not so little, miracles that help shape and uplift my life each day, and I hope my little stories will help remind you of your own little daily miracles.

My feet have been in a lot of pain, caused by my big toes, which have been acting out in a big way since the pandemic reached its height in NYC. These toes, and these feet, have had a great deal to say, though I was not really listening to them. This time, the left foot stopped me in my tracks and forced me to stay still for once. This is my story of these rebellious feet, and what has come of their refusal to act like normal, healthy feet. Here are the results that have come from my left foot, recently wearing a bedazzled (with gold rhinestones on a black background, obv) boot, forcing me to stay still and focus in on the work I've been putting off and the ways I've been sabotaging myself from actually reaching my goals.

In this episode I share some of my personal experience with depression. I believe everyone experiences depression on some level, at some point in life, so this episode could resonate with you or someone you love. My hope is that my words comfort you and help you feel less alone as you navigate these struggles, this pain, and how hard it is to keep going as overwhelming feelings rule your heart. I ask that you remember to “be gentle with yourself” as my great acting teacher Elizabeth Kemp always advised. Thanks for listening and being a part of the Totes Pod fam.

In this episode I discuss the vital importance of intentional compassion, kindness, and empathy, especially in times of extra stress or when we are overwhelmed. I also share with you my beliefs about the kind of leadership that works and is built on powerful foundations, in comparison with the kind of leadership that is weak and destructive. These messages aim to inspire you to spread kindness, be more compassionate in your day to day life, and to practice empathy. Thank you for listening!

In this episode of Totes Pod, I share the story of how I actually finally realized I have been neglecting my physical body. I had genuinely believed I'd been caring for it, but I was legit in for a rude awakening. Hear how I am shifting, and how I am now fully honoring my temple and my instrument--my physical body. My hope is that my story will make you feel less alone, and may also inspire you to care more seriously and earnestly for your own body, beginning today.

This episode's message is near and dear to my heart! Many, most, (or PROB) all of us feel inadequate and like imposters at times (if not all of the time). The more I realized this, the more I HAD to discuss it with you here, on Totes Pod. Join me for this very special episode, wherein I hope to make you feel very far from alone, and to remind you of your innate incredible-ness.

This episode touches on my most recent lack of motivation in several areas, procrastination as a tool, and offers up a playful faux commercial I recorded during the depths of quarantine. Strangely, the quarantine-inspired commercial may bring you some much-needed joy! I hope you feel less alone and in good company while tuning in to this episode of Totes Pod. Thanks for listening!

Do you love animals? Kitties? Dogos? Well, I love pretty much all animals. I thought I loved dogs the most of all, but it turns out I truly also adore cats. I hope that sharing some stories about my own, sweet, endlessly entertaining kitty babies will brighten your day. This episode is the very first to feature some of my own faux commercials, wherein I create my own jingles for an over-generalized product that I suggest that you buy right now. More faux commercials will enter your life during future Totes Pod episodes. Please enjoy this kitty cat, baby bear, bittle kittles episode of Totes Pod!

This very special tribute episode is dedicated to my grandmother, Mary Martin Painter, who I called Nanny in my youth and Nano when I was a bit older (but still youthful). Her life inspires me, and I miss when she gave me gum, unhealthy foods, and her incredibly delicious (obv from scratch) Christmas cut out sugar cookies. I hope you'll enjoy a few special stories about my Nano, and that you'll enjoy hearing about the cool items she used to own that I am honoured to keep in my current home. Thanks for listening!

In this episode, I share the journey I took to become a hairdresser. At first it seems an unlikely choice, but upon further reflection perhaps it makes a lot of sense! Please enjoy the stories of my passion for hair and beauty in this special Totes Salon episode of Totes Pod.

On this episode of Totes Pod, I share stories of my most sacred passion and reason for living--the theatre. The theatre has shaped my life in endless ways. This gives you a glimpse into my life, who I am, and what really matters to me. Hope you enjoy it!

In this first ever episode of Totes Pod, I talk about perfectionism, the many doubts I've had while preparing this podcast, and the ever popular "trying too hard" method of going through life. I'm so excited to have you with me, and hope you will continue to join me on this Totes Pod journey. Also, I hope you enjoy the original music I composed (and sang) for the intro and outro to the show!