Ask A Divorcée

Today we have an awesome guest on the podcast and she evangelizes about a life where you wear no pants! This is a returnee guest, from our most popular episode ever!! That super famous episode is titled “Sex Prison.” If you haven’t listened to it, you should. Also, can you f%&%%$%^^! your way out of a depression? And, we learn about how Burning Man is really the catalyst of Alllll divorce. Cat or baby? Listen on!

Tracy Nguyen, comedienne extraordinaire joins us! Not a divorcée, but veteran of enough relationships to share in our cynicism. We address the big questions: can one have too many vibrators? Should relationships end at three years? Is art all about sex or all about death? PICK A SIDE! Tracy shares the history of Catholicism in Vietnam and her boat times. Plus an all new edition of Annette's an Ignorant Dumb Bitch.

This episode gets poetic IRL. Annette gets inspired and recites poetry to our readers. Also, would you like to know how to go on a hike and not get murdered? You certainly would. Definitely, learn how data science is used at Tinder. Listen on to learn what “Me gusta cuando callas” means to your romantic relationship.

We are joined by smokey-voiced comic and pre-Raphaelite beauty Shelbi Evans, who tells us about growing up in Texas, what comes from abstinence-only education (spoiler: babies!), and her adorable parents. We also ask the important questions: who are you if you aren't yourself. What wasn't published in Anne Frank's diary? Someone tries to murder us. Well, someone tried to open the door with unknown aims. Plus an all new Annette's an Ignorant Dumb Bitch!

The microphone stand flew away! and Paola is wearing snake skin boots. In this episode, our intrepid hostesses discuss racism against hair color and brain eating amoebas. Our guest, Damian, tells us about his long periods of not thinking about anything and key ways to interact with his hair dresser. He also enlightens us about how to meet people IRL. And, we learn about dating in the US vs. AU. Wanna hear it? So … listen and learn.

We're baaaack! We’re sorry we’ve been away so long! We’ll never do it again, we swear (maybe). We’ve missed you and we know you missed us! How have you been living your lives without our advice to guide you? What, did you realize no one else can make your decisions for you, embrace the reality of that which you cannot change, and take concrete steps to change that which is within your control? Gross! What should you say when meeting up with an ex? Should you subject a new and fragile relationship to the hardships of travel? How do you tell that dude you want to travel with him? Plus, Spanish politics!

Woe unto the straight man dating in San Francisco (or is the problem his changing priorities? Or his terminology for fuckbuddies?) Ardin, comedian, host of fellow Mutiny Radio podcast The Night Space and barista extraordinaire joins us to discuss the trials and travails of dating on both coasts and his sitcom ideas. Paola shares a story about larval divorcées on Tinder. We also get a call (apologies for the audio quality - if you can’t stand it skip to 29:30)! Get ready to learn all about the medical advances being hidden from you by Trump media. Do phone books still exist? And an ignorant dumb bitch question about lesbian bed death.

Bottoms, tops, subs, doms, sadists, rope buddies, leather puppies - learn what some of these are but not all of them on this episode! Today we have very special guest Maha, here to correct our misconceptions about BDSM, whether one should enter into a relationship because of how good the sex is, 50 Shades of Grey, your 30s, and Arabic. Join us to be taught, terrified, and maybe a little titillated!

We love our guest Scarlett! And not just because she compliments the everlovin' shit out of us (though that certainly doesn't hurt). Join us as we learn together about her ideal wedding, Star Wars, the difference between Mexican and Irish Catholicism, shit wine, and feminist bullshit. What is homonormativity? How can you make nachos even better? Is the self and its apparent separation from the rest of existence an illusion? All this and also some other stuff! Featuring a double-bonus edition of Annette's a Dumb Ignorant Bitch - 2 Lesbians answering 2 different questions!

Paola may be pregnant, so listen on. AND! Paola and Annette discuss the 'Merica putting so much pressure on what people do for a living. Do you lose your human worth if you don't have an occupation that pays money? Should the first question that is asked on a date be about salary? Also, super exciting … um ... Dragons. Our hostesses share their expert media criticism on Game of Thrones. And we end on Paola's hot take on dogs and babies. which one of these ladies would freak out at the sight of a husky puppy? and which one would pet a person?

We have a guest again! Hear someone else's voice for a change of pace! Joining us today is Arjun, fresh from the Democratic Socialists of America conference in Chicago and full of revolutionary (or incremental?) spirit. How did he veer red? What does Obamacare matter? How can one scare bougie people AND achieve solidarity with homeless? Arjun talks to us about moving back to Michigan, multiple sclerosis, the importance of work to identity in American, and (of course!) dating. Plus, Paola plans the phone olympics and we talk plastic surgery. What's wrong with us physically? (Not enough time for mentally or spiritually)

We didn't want to leave y'all for a week without us, even though Paola is in away in Seattle and Annette has shows, that we delayed salsa in order to record this (dear reader, fret not, immediately afterwards we salsa'd like motherfuckers). SO MUCH advice packed into this short ep you're gonna think we're Oprahs. Career advice focused on what YOU care about - feelin' pretty! Should you do steroids? How to motivate yourself to workout - think about making yourself less murderable! Quite a bit of fitness on this one, as if that is what our lives revolve around... ha. Also learn about ladyland on all new edition of Annette's a Dumb Ignorant Bitch! Plus, Why We Hate Being Single: a rant.

Life is a soulless cycle, but we can distract ourselves. Ready to learn SO MANY THINGS? We have amazing facts and stories from the history of weightlifting, lesbians, our superhero alter egos, ghosts, ponytails, and art collecting. Plus advice about roommates and nutrition, the latter of which may or may not be related to shit getting hella scatological. All this AND a new Dumb Ignorant Bitch question.

For a change of pace we discuss strategies to trap a man. Problem: are any men worth trapping? Or should one go for a more humane, catch-and-release strategy? Also, when is too soon to bring up sexual compatibility? When is too late? We work through a lot of our Catholic guilt in this one AND for the kids, a special section on word problems. These chicks love math! Plus, a dumb ignorant question about how ladies hit on each other. Got questions? Email askadivorcee@gmail.com.

Aaaannnndddd Annette is back from Greece. YAY. Paola is really excited to have her eloquent friend back to talk to. Thoughout Annette’s absence, Paola languished through the streets of San Francisco. Annette, drops some knowledge about Sappho, a greek poet from the island of Lesbos. Could this be the origin of all the Lesbians? This episode’s guest is the very charming Arya, who tells about her public service to divorced men. She knows exactly how to extract all their sadness. Curious about what her secret is? Listen on!

This is a short one, to tide you over. But worry not, we will be back next week with the normal amount of chatter & advice to fill your earholes so that you can't think too much, staving off existential angst for at least a little while longer (that's why everyone listens to podcasts right?). For a change of pace, we answer questions and rag on straight dudes! But seriously, we answer a plethora of YOUR advice questions, if plethora means like 2 or 3, which I'm not going to look up. Can a straight dude be sexually satisfied without putting his dick in a puss? Why is straight sex the worst sex (objectively! According to science!)? And what's up with lesbians and processing? Also, who's the bigger token? (It's Paola, but each of us is a token in our own special way).

More on coregasms and fitness fantasies from our two hostesses. This episode, we have a sagacious guest who tells us how he summoned the detective gods to find the truth that would win him a Divorce! Can an unorganized inbox really end a marriage? What should be your last meal before you declare divorce? And what is the correct winking etiquette? We learn what the life train is like when it no longer follows the set path of train tracks … derailing, so much better. This and more, now, listen on!

Paola and Annette discover that they have a podcast where they explore very important existential questions. In a previous episode, the two divorcee hosts engaged in a push up contest and they disclose the winner during this episode. Other topics in this episode include: best retirement strategies, when to take a shot before leaving the house, equality in the skin color of cows, the solution to racism, and worm-operated-lesbian holograms that transcend time but not space. Hit us up at askadivorcee@gmail.com about these topics or with any question you'd like our expert advice on.

Ugh, relationships. Gross. We're not only sick of relationships, but sick of romance being a goto topic of conversation. Does our aversion make sense given that this podcast is often about relationships? Does it matter that we would have fire tinder profiles if we were about that life? We divorce ourselves from these concerns and propose conversation alternates - eyeliner, exercise, the nature of cups, sleeping situations, and murder. Plus an all-new edition of "Annette's A Dumb Ignorant Bitch" - about competitiveness. In what feat of strength do you totally own your partner? What's your sleep situation? How much of your sleeping arrangement is or isn't based on the avoidance of murder? Hit us up at askadivorcee@gmail.com about these topics or with any question you'd like our expert advice on.

We are joined by very special guest Liz, who is not a divorcée but nonetheless has some pretty interesting things to say about marriage, especially the one she's in. Is an ideal marriage one in which you can sit together on the couch, drink, and bitch about your respective girlfriends? Also, Paola is concerned about her hair, Annette very straightfully tries to put sexuality in boxes, and both finally admit that this podcast is pretty much gay propaganda. Are you a hot butch? Contact us to get hooked up!

Travel changes a person. Paola, for example, went to Cuba and now is a much more authentic, honest person AND is into hats now. How long will her newfound authenticity and love for people last? $5 says less than 2 weeks. We get into Cuba in a big way, expressing envy over their healthcare and lack of internet. Much information about Cuba is shared, some of it informed by actual experience (Paola) and some of it the result of conjecture and half-remembered bullshit (Annette). Related: Is Oprah happy? And the story of ZamZam spring. Hot tip for all you low-self-esteem-encumbered cats out there: Interpret any neutral statement of fact as a compliment. This is a podcast. You're welcome!

We welcome Clara Bijl: comedian, mother, Fenchwoman, philosopher of the art of living, divorcée, lawyer. Maybe not a lawyer, but she really seems like she could be. She is also our first remarriée - yes, she saw the light of divorce, and yet chose to reenter the cave of illusions that is matrimony. We have questions! Like “What?” “Why?” and “Huh?” Can we convince her to become a double-divorcée? Also we learn why burritos are better than diamonds, and Paola completely fails to hide her boner for Clara, her choices, her life, and her accent. Plus! How do lesbians break up? How does anyone break up, really? But let's focus on the lesbians...

Death. Le mort. Decay. Black Nail Polish. Like marriage, life too must end, and this episode we get into it. Can you die for fashion? Should we embrace our rapidly wrinkling visages? Are we wasting valuable death-contemplation time by tindering on the shitter? We also adjudicate the age-old question that has divided families and brought nations to the brink of war: Nickelodeon versus Cartoon Network. In our ongoing attempts to #knowthyself #gnothiseauton #socrates we examine how one can determine if they are in fact bi, or if they just enjoy making out with girls.

Chris joins us to chat about his long engagement, his horny-ass aunties, and the importance of garages in Latin culture. Garages are hella versatile - one can come out in them or get married in them. Chris' fiancé is from Annette's hometown - the universe is strange indeed. Spanish is spoken. Rape is joked about far too often. Also featuring the return of Annette's An Ignorant Dumb Bitch with a question about Gold Star Lesbians.

Lydia (from https://soundcloud.com/askadivorcee/9-pile-of-dead-mice) rejoins us, this time in the studio! She's back in America and here to regale us with tales from her days as a bouncer, run-ins with Jean Claude Van Damme, and lady ejaculation. Listen up cause we got 3 divorcées in the studio and we're wiser than the rest of these fuckers. And yet Rihanna still ignores my insta dms.

Mutiny Radio Comedy Festival is on in SF! Get tickets for the festival at mutinyradio.fm or Annette's show on March 2nd at www.universe.com/mutinyfest2c. Is there a healthy way to handle rejection? There's definitely really fun ways to handle it. What's healthy anyways? Who's to say? Where's the Costco in San Francisco? Oh that's not that far. Is biking dangerous? Only if you do it right. Entrepreneurship is in the air and we share our fire ideas for products and apps. Get on this shit because we are definitely too lazy and there is hella cash to be made. Crotchless Yoga Pants y'all ("they're for fucking!"). Get on it. We also complain about phones, email, the lost art of the pop-in visit, and the social awkwardness of San Francisco. How was your Valentine's Day? Ours was fucking dope - go out with friends and watch couples!

We discuss the extent to which we are misandrists after being called the female version of a pick up artist by a person whom can only assume is a big fan. It turns out quite a bit! If you had to choose between alcohol and marriage, which would you choose? (how is this a question?). A whole bunch about suicide! And living in a multilingual world - how much does subpar Spanish annoy Paola? A whoooole bunch.

Ann wants a man! We've got a divorcée in the studio who desperately wants to get back up in the clutches of a dude. We find out what she did and didn't learn her first time around on the marriage carousel. Also: a divorce with actual stakes: children! Plus we learn a whole lot about Paola. What color are urethras? Should you always pee after sex? (Yes.) How do you deal with your titties? Is shitting before coffee a reason for celebration? Send nudes? Wanna date Ann? Email us at askadivorcee@gmail.com

Back to basics with hella advice! How does one relationship? What is relationship? Why even relationship? Should you contribute to an IRA? You have a limited amount of time on earth - is it worth spending some of that time on a date? Plus we discuss our corporeal being and the extent to which we are ourselves. Who's ready for a robot body? Not Paola, since she has a dope new haircut and looks soo much more gay!

Paola is dead, long live Paola! Paola is out sick but comic Florentina Tanase is here to share the disgustingly treacly story of how she met her husband and her delusions about their chances for everlasting happiness. Why should a person workout? Should you work out for a revenge body? Should two people who have never seen a Khloe Kardashian show about working out talk about it in depth anyway? Who has toxoplasmosis and AREN'T KITTY CATS THE BEST?? Where do rings go? And most importantly, if you were to get a poop transplant, whose would you get?

It's cold af in San Francisco but luckily this is one to warm your heart: we have a so-called happily married woman, "Bava BonBon", in the studio to defend her life choices and impart some advice for others seeking a similar level of delusion. After over a decade together she tells us how to keep that spark alive, how to let it die, and the difference between Catholic and Jewish guilt are all discussed. Also some dumb, ignorant questions about lesbians and their sexing!

Happy 2017! We learn about the dating and mating mores of kids today from Special Youth Correspondent Zane Barrett. How does social media impact their romantic lives? Does anyone meet in person anymore? How can some foxy divorcées get their cougar on? All this and 9/11!

Last episode of 2016! Very special guest divorcée Denise and her ex-husband experimented with opening up their relationship and she's here to impart wisdom and lessons learned. She also sagely shares her experience with marriage, divorce, and Friendster, and her brave struggle with Exploding Clothes Syndrome. How long does it take after knowing the relationship is over until you can pull the trigger? How do you get around to filing that damn paperwork? Should you bang other people to strengthen your marriage? (Obvi no, everyone should get divorced).

Special guest "Antonio" joins us from New York to talk about immigrating to the US as a kid, first kisses and fucks, his current approach to dating, and eating that puss. How does dating in SF and NYC compare? What the fuck is a Roosevelt Island? How can we be honest on dates when we ain't looking for that ring? Plus great advice about getting that (vitamin) D and not marrying.

We return after a week away for thanksgiving with a veritable feast of TMI! We answer the questions how to get one's boyfriend to charge one less rent and how to hit on strangers in public. Also discussed are surfing, Nicaraguan and American politics, and why lesbians have such dope hobbies.

Should you bang multiple people in the same friend group? How do you get over the crushing guilt of a friend breakup, or the crushing guilt of living life? Paola's gone on vacation but as part of her #journey Annette accepts this abandonment and embraces the opportunity to bring aboard special guest co-host Katy Karns! Katy ain't divorced but she's explored herself enough to bring the sage advice of a much more divorced woman. We explore her explorations. Use her experience to aid in your own journey. Journey. Explore. Path. Love. Breathe. Yoga? Drink. Journey no longer even sounds like a word anymore. Plus advice on oft-neglected muscle groups at the gym!

We turn the tables and ask for advice from Special Guest and Voice of Youth Ginny Hogan! Did you know how many dating apps there are? More than the two I have on my phone apparently! Ginny shares findings from her own dating research and helps us reach out to some college youth to find out their perspective on the important issues: How does one cougar more effectively? Do the children use dating apps? Also featuring calling an ex by surprise.

Special guest "Sadie" is engaged - can we convince her to not get married before it's too late? How do the Divorcées view the rise of dating apps and are people off the market missing out? What is the proper social etiquette around twerking? Would Paola be the creepiest kind of dude? But learning to not be creepy is a journey. Life is journey. Love is a dead end.

Let's talk about whores! A man dates a whore and has hella questions. Also: what's the best thing about being alone / free? How's your fitness journey? And featuring the return of Annette asking Paola a dumb question about the world of ladies-on-ladies.

Is it chill to be seeing someone if neither of you make much of an effort? What do you owe your ex when he rolls into town? Race! Fuck New York! All that, plus facts about animals!

Happy Father's Day! Comedian Andy Garcia (https://twitter.com/thedirtygarcia) shares a sordid tale from his previous life of parenthood, marriage, divorce, and Reno. Shit gets cray.

What proportion of SF, heaven, and prison is white people? Also advice on how to make your divorced friends feel included and celebrated at your wedding and a proposal for a new and improved version of marriage!

Interview with a gay divorcée phoning in from Spain! Has she let down the gay rights movement by making a mockery of marriage? Find out... Plus more tech incompetence and phone issues!

A disgusting newlywed joins us and we examine the question "What if someone wants love", mostly by disputing it. Also, talk of death and stay tuned in the end for an enlightened conversation.

What is true love? How do you make your online profile "pop"? The Divorcées and "happily" married couple Kenny Pratt and Kenny's Wife give some advice.

Interview with Kenny Pratt and Wife about their terrible marriage. We try to convince them to get divorced and explore their sex life in ways that can never be unheard. Advice questions with the maritally constrained next week!

What is beautiful in life? Can an ex politely ask you to not hang out with your mutual friend group? Interview with comic David Cooper about his divorce, therapy, and Drake. Also: Paola spends half of it on her phone.

Interview with a lady smarter than us - she bounced before the marriage!

Should you hook up with an ex? What's the optimal level of fucked-up for first dates? Plus advice for living without fear! Note: interview mentioned will be the next episode! Ask a question at askadivorcee@gmail.com! Listen live Thursdays 8pm on mutinyradio.fm.

What advice do we have for people who are considering getting married? Is anyone truly happy? All this, plus how to be a Tinder power user, encounters with asexuality, and phone incompetence!