Confusionism

It’s the last episode of 2020, so celebrate this sh*thole of a year being over with and listen to a long podcast! I talk about chainsaw-wielding maniacs at McDonalds, dogs and their ability to detect infection (and f**k you up), and the badass chess tables in Central Park. Also: an angry Tom Cruise and chainsaw guitars! Recorded 12/18/20.

Rest in peace, John Lennon! Today I discuss a few of the biggest idiots who have attempted armed robbery and some of the most pointless inventions of all time! Also: I discuss flying peacocks and getting assigned the f**king emergency evacuation seat on an airplane. Does the DVD Rewinder really work? The Car Exhaust Grill? Find out in episode 84! Recorded 12/8/20.

Goldfinger! On today’s episode, I get to the bottom of an extremely late VHS rental, the Too Tall Bandit and his string of bank robberies dating back to 2009, Tarantino’s Death Proof, and April March and her badass cover of Chick Habit! Recorded 12/3/20.

Haven’t you heard? Today I discuss The Trashmen and the greatest surf song of all time! Also: my special guests are not aware that the bird is the word. Recorded 11/25/20.

My wife! Today I discuss Halloween 1923 in Omaha, a certain kind of blowout that shouldn’t be described here, pure and simple old-fashioned communism, Smokey and the Bandit (but mostly Smokey), and Borat Subsequent Moviefilm! Recorded 11/19/20.

In a snack-sized episode, I recommend a new television show, rant about no-good scam artists, and remember a badass trip to New York! Recorded 11/18/20.

Freddie Bulitzer returns to give his take on some of the world’s dumbest criminals! Find out how to hold up a cash register with only a cucumber and a sock, why you shouldn’t steal penguins, and why you should make sure you can fit through a window before you try breaking into it. I’ve only been arrested in the States. Recorded 11/18/20.

Freddie Bulitzer is back with his own episode! He discusses the wrong way to obtain Chick-fil-A, a fish that can play Pokémon, the Dating Game Killer, and a terrifying nest of Murder Hornets that was recently discovered. Also: we have a special guest live from the stairwell! Recorded 11/12/20.

Nate joins the podcast to get to the bottom of the Borat/Giuliani fiasco and what it’s like to be in a coma! We also discuss Alex Trebek, hanging out in stairwells, our best examples of f**ked grammar, and a badass documentary on the history of hacking! Follow the podcast on Instagram @confusionismpodcast or Twitter @confusionismpo1. Recorded 11/10/20.

On this week’s episode, I discuss Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s brand new show, the new Gorillaz album, completely f**ked names for children, and I rank some of my favorite albums and songs by The Beatles! Follow the podcast on Instagram @confusionismpodcast or Twitter @confusionismpo1. Recorded 11/4/20.

Happy Halloween! Kerry discusses the origin of the holiday’s name and the best Halloween books, movies, and South Park Halloween specials! Barry and Bulitzer also spread Halloween cheer as we discuss various forms of antics, gory decorations, and a jack-o’-lantern on the f**king moon! Did the Man on the Moon wink at ya? Recorded 10/29/20.

Patrick Means and Matt Skeen join the podcast to get to the bottom of QAnon, whether we really are living in a simulation, Project A119 (which doesn’t involve steak sauce), and artificial moons in China. We also do some fact-checking on sake, an obscure pizza place in Florida, and catch George Bush in mid-dodge! Imagine Epcot but in a Kroger’s, but the Kroger’s is the size of two Walmarts put together. Recorded 10/21/20.

Kerry and Matt cross over once more to discuss the recent jet pack sightings in Los Angeles, the worst ever trip to Walmart, why Kerry was wrong about Family Guy, how Woody Harrelson and Mike Pence know each other, and an intriguing new map in Animal Crossing! Recorded 10/15/20.

Kerry learns how not to flip off a judge and discusses swearing parrots in the UK (hey, you fat t**t!), Sunny D and why 1.5 liters a day is too much, and Willie Nelson atop the White House with Jimmy Carter’s son and “a big fat Austin torpedo.” Also: NBA mascot Slamson the Lion gets slammed and South Park is back! Recorded 10/15/20.

Kerry discusses the latest news from Taco Hell, South Park’s new Pandemic Special, the Vallandigham tragedy of 1871, the role water pistols played in the Revolutionary War, and an underrated masterpiece from The Beatles! Detective Johnny Katz also provides inspiration for a f**ked view on cannibalism. Screwed on pretty tight, there. Recorded 9/25/20.

Today we’re watching Netflix’s original film Girlfriend’s Day! Will Bob Odenkirk and his nipples be enough to save this film? Listen to Episode 70 and find out! Recorded 9/10/20.

Today we find out why your consciousness shouldn’t be uploaded to the cloud and why social security numbers don’t start with 666! Also, jump aboard the Sloop John B as we discuss toy guns on Zoom, I’m Thinking of Ending Things, and trains going f**king backwards! Recorded 9/8/20.

It’s almost November, so Kerry and Nate discuss National Novel Writing Month! We get to the bottom of the rules of the project and The War of Art. Also, find out what the f**k a pantser is! Recorded 9/8/20.

Today on Tear Factor, gather round for f**ked story time! Patrick Means and Matt Skeen (aka Slow Brogan) join the podcast to discuss the dark alleys of downtown Baltimore after Metallica have been in town, a special visit to Denny’s, the infamous bologna binge of Kroger’s, missing eyebrows on Picture Day, “devil’s chocolate,” and how poor Mr. Rogers expired. Also: Matt brings us up to speed on his brand new YouTube channel, ChewDawgz! Safety, always off. Recorded 9/3/20.

It’s a one-way road! Patrick (aka IndestructibleP) joins a super-sized podcast to discuss a badass concert in 2017, having Coke Zero for dinner, George Carlin and Dave Chappelle, the most diabolical haters this side of the Mississippi, fudged Coronavirus data, the revival of the G4 network, and Patrick’s candidate for worst movie of all time! Damn, this thing’s big enough to pay tuition! Recorded 8/8/20.

Nate comes on the podcast to get to the bottom of the allegations against Ellen, Mitch McConnell advertisements, photoshopped noses, killer junkie parrots, and pickle-obsessed hotel guests! Bulitzer also gives us more harrowing tales of life in the slammer involving evil doers Mugsy and Bugsy and Cook County’s watered-down coffee. I don’t necessarily trust Buzzfeed. Recorded 7/29/20.

In Confusionism’s third literary episode, Kerry and Nate discuss Charlie Kaufman’s new book, Antkind, Coraline, a brutal short story by Hemingway, South Park’s f**ked retelling of Great Expectations, Nate’s Victorian Lit class, and Stephen King’s On Writing. An objective failure. Recorded 7/29/20.

Today we’re watching Sideways, and we are not drinking any f**kin’ Merlot! Recorded 7/14/20.

Water and bread! Kerry and Nate discuss Tarantino, Westsylvania and the Republic of Texas, and we called Chicago for an exclusive prison update from Freddie Bulitzer, who details life on the inside and reveals the inner workings of his underground cigarette racket and how many timbers he shivers a week. Nate also has some thoughts on Elvis Costello. Unfiltered. The Bloody Biscuits are gonna pummel you with music! Recorded 7/14/20.

The gang records on location from Nate’s house with an exhilarating game of 20 Questions! Kerry and Nate duel to the death, and Barry offers a fabulous prize to the winner! So far both of you absolutely suck. Recorded 7/14/20.

Today we’re making a mountain hill out of a mole and discussing a letter sent in by Neil deGrasse Tyson, dead cats that can vote, and a long-lost David Bowie song! Also: Patrick Means discusses his favorite acting roles, umbrella assault on stage, his time “in” the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra, his favorite Led Zeppelin albums, The Big Lebowski, and Cowboy Bebop! So what if I thought the Beach Men were the Beach Boys? Recorded 7/13/20.

Kerry, Nate, and Barry discuss their Florida Man stories (featuring barbecued child molesters and a pizza-related argument), the dumbest ways to die (including a Snapchat death), an author’s deadly hidden treasure, good bullsh*t meters, movie recommendations, and the genius of Trey Parker and Matt Stone! Recorded 7/12/20.

In our second literary episode, Kerry and Nate discuss dreadful Steely Dan books and other sh*tty books about classic rock, Fitzgerald and his cool ways of putting things, Nate’s latest major disappointment, Charlie Kaufman and three-month long movies, our favorite Hemingway books, and Nate’s analysis techniques! This is Nate, signing off. Recorded 7/12/20.

Patrick joins the podcast for a special late night edition of Confusionism to discuss Comet Neowise, the bubonic plague, and initial day one reactions to the Wayfair conspiracy! Kerry feels like an a**hole. Recorded 7/11/20.

The third edition of “10-15” is hot off the Harvard Press as Nate interrogates Barry about his new book! For the students, by the students. Harvard Is Power. Recorded 7/1/20.

Barry’s cursing up a storm as we discuss future movie commentaries, The Beatles never existing, Obama and weather control, time-traveling vampires, Hunter S. Thompson and government assassins, and the most rigorous daily routine one can attempt! Understatement of the month, I would say. Recorded 7/1/20.

Happy Canada Day! Kerry and Nate discuss famous Twitter followers of the podcast, haircuts that aren’t masculine enough for Christian school, a silly mishap regarding the Nazi flag in Oklahoma, goats that require paternity tests, and Ramen Noodles as a f**king weapon! Now f**k off, I got work to do. Recorded 7/1/20.

Kerry and Nate physically record a podcast together for the first time since March with CommenKerry #3! Today we’re watching Frances Ha (from 2012 or 2013?) and taking the f**k truck to Hoboken. Oh well, we’ll fix it in post. Recorded 6/22/20.

Kerry and Barry kick things off with a bang with a rant against Wheel of Fortune and a phone message from Freddie Bulitzer! Also: we discover that June has several f**ked holidays, including both National Onion Day and National Onion Ring Day, and Barry scores a candid interview with award-winning robotics pioneer Robo Dinkleman. This one is chock full of character. Recorded 6/30/20.

In episode 51 (not 52), Kerry and Patrick discuss the f**ked chronology of the Xbox consoles, 65-pound alligator snapping turtles, Governor Justice and other f**ked politicians, our favorite Pink Floyd albums (Atom Heart Mother!), and flying to space in a f**king balloon at 12 mph! Also: an impromptu interview with space tourism pioneer Mr. Weinstein. I guess I got the wrong Craigslist invitation. Recorded 6/19/20.

Patrick is back with a special announcement! We also discuss the PS5, the Spider-Man universe, a hilarious sh*t story, the new “Xbox Circle” and other Microsoft f**k-ups, and the age-old debate of Best Buy vs. Circuit City. Dad’s in the truck, sh*t in his drawers... Recorded 6/19/20.

Kerry flies solo today and drops fun facts, makes a guest appearance, and salutes Wojtek the Bear. Also, who owns the rights to Break Time with Barry? And how many acres of pizza do Americans eat daily? Find out the answers to these and more on Episode 49! Recorded 6/11/20.

How about we do a show where we kill Butters? Today we’re going down to South Park to have ourselves a time with a commentary on 2004’s masterpiece “Quest for Ratings.” Whoa, I’m feelin’ kinda bowling ballish, fellas. Recorded 6/8/20.

In the second edition of “10-15 with Barry and Kerry,” the seedy past of Freddie Bulitzer is unearthed, and it is fucked. Find out about Bulitzer’s strange connection with Norm Macdonald, Andy “Barbwire” Gogson, and the Times Square Ball Drop of 1999. Partners in petty crime or lovers serving hard time? Recorded 6/8/20.

Should we go completely f**ked, or funny and still f**ked? Nate, Barry, and Kerry discuss Barry’s getting the runaround from every possible sponsor, machete sex burglars with broom fetishes, grand cannibalism, and the generally f**ked state of the world. Bugger off, it’s too early. Recorded 6/7/20.Follow the podcast on Twitter @confusionismpo1 or on Instagram @confusionismpodcast

Episode 45 will “pickle your interest” as Kerry, Nate, and Barry discuss the early days of the podcast, drive-by pickles, the McNuggets incident of 2010, explosive pineapples, and tiny fonts. The gang also gets to the bottom of who deserves credit for the Confusionism House Band Specials. I don’t drive with pickles. Recorded 6/7/20.

Do you actually have a Wienermobile? Kerry, Nate, and Barry figure out how to properly sign on to the podcast and take two very special calls. A new affiliate also joins Confusionism! Thanks for giving me what is probably a fifth or sixth chance. Recorded 5/24/20.

Kerry, Nate, and Barry discuss “Under My Thumb,” Hitler’s pets, The Hebrew Hammer, Dad from Long Island (the Zoom thing that’s f**ked), superheroes, Joaquin Phoenix, shower thoughts, and not a regular episode of South Park. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Hitler with a regular hat. Recorded 5/24/20.

Things are negative today as Kerry and Nate deliver a commentary on the new film (and spin-off of The Big Lebowski) The Jesus Rolls. Join us as we wade through all the unanswered questions and wasted potential. Sorry Pete Davidson. Recorded 5/9/20.

The Confusionism House Band hangs up their usual instruments and performs an acoustic special! Hear a brand new song and stick around for some post-show mischief. Also, f**kin’ squad goals, triple slander, and inflammatorizers. Recorded 5/24/20.

Episode 40 goes many places as Nate gets called in to mediate Kerry and Barry’s argument. Barry makes some allegations regarding grand matricide, reveals the origin of the phrase “quite frankly,” and Nate suggests the cancellation of Barry’s show. Absolutely ecstatic. Yep, her and Gerard. Recorded 5/15/20.

It’s a perfect day for bananafish so Kerry and Nate compare their Goodreads profiles and talk Scar Tissue, The Stranger, Tooth of Crime, f**king Faulkner, Salinger, Ellis, Franzen, Lindell* and more! Kerry also learns how to successfully pluralize “asterisk” and Nate has two stars for Ethan Coen. Only marginal input from Barry. Recorded 5/15/20.

Barry dodges all the important questions, and Kerry doesn’t imply anything whatsoever. Kerry and Barry also get scammed into making cameo appearances on “Inflammatory Purposes with Freddie Bulitzer.” Don’t take it out on Mr. Ferrari. Recorded 5/11/20.

Lots of things are in shambles as Bulitzer finally gets ahold of Nate! Barry’s numerous degrees are discussed, as well as Bulitzer’s stint in jail, his Chicago fling, and an interesting proposition made by Nate. A standard Zoom meeting. Find out how to read while screaming. Recorded 5/11/20.

Kerry and Barry discuss Bulitzer theories, Mother Harvard, Barry’s spiritual involvement with the Beach Men, and Barry’s limited knowledge of the Beatles. Bulitzer also holds the studio’s answering machine hostage. Silly mishap, she says. Put that in your Oreo and stuff it, Oliver Twistby. Recorded 5/10/20.

A brand new segment debuts on Confusionism! Kerry and Barry have inflammatory purposes as they show Mr. Bulitzer what for and set some dirt-digging plans further in stone. What kind of supermarket is this? There’s no justice in this podcast. Recorded 5/10/20.