Jumping Nothing

If Vince McMahon's deepest, most personal dreams had somehow come true, the Million Dollar Man would have been a good guy. He would have come out, waved money, ordered people around, made off-colour remarks and, ultimately, he would have been lauded as a hero. It didn't happen that way for Ted DiBiase, but it's working for Donald Trump. "Lemme tell you something, I'm very rich," he says. The crowd cheers. "Women are pigs," he says. The crowd cheers. "I own a lot of golf courses, lemme tell you, my golf courses, they're the best in the world, everybody loves them," he says. The crowd cheers. And now he's going to run America. There's one way to understand the Republican frontrunner, and as vaguely news-savvy young men with a cynicism-hardened interest in pro wrestling, we're uniquely qualified to look into it. Donald Trump is a wrestling character. Here's why.

If Vince McMahon's deepest, most personal dreams had somehow come true, the Million Dollar Man would have been a good guy. He would have come out, waved money, ordered people around, made off-colour remarks and, ultimately, he would have been lauded as a hero. It didn't happen that way for Ted DiBiase, but it's working for Donald Trump. "Lemme tell you something, I'm very rich," he says. The crowd cheers. "Women are pigs," he says. The crowd cheers. "I own a lot of golf courses, lemme tell you, my golf courses, they're the best in the world, everybody loves them," he says. The crowd cheers. And now he's going to run America. There's one way to understand the Republican frontrunner, and as vaguely news-savvy young men with a cynicism-hardened interest in pro wrestling, we're uniquely qualified to look into it. Donald Trump is a wrestling character. Here's why.

Hulk Hogan is alive. Roddy Piper is dead. Hulk Hogan is bad. Roddy Piper is good. Hulk Hogan was in that movie where he plays basically Hulk Hogan but wearing blue. Roddy Piper was in a John Carpenter cult-classic B movie that Slavoj Zizek featured in one of his documentaries about film. Hulk Hogan is despised. Roddy Piper is beloved. Hulk Hogan is the 1980s monoculture. Roddy Piper is the 1980s counterculture. Hulk Hogan did not kick Cyndi Lauper in the head and remain lifelong friends with her. Roddy Piper did kick Cyndi Lauper in the head and remain lifelong friends with her. Hulk Hogan essentially created the conditions for the first Gulf War. Roddy Piper did not create the conditions for the first Gulf War. It's hard to make sense of these things sometimes, but we try, with the help of Sartre and shoot interviews.

Bray, County Wicklow, Ireland. Just south of Dublin, it's the birthplace of Finn Balor, Hozier and, most importantly, Jumping Nothing's Cathal. Join us as we hear tales of his time in the community hall watching an 18-year-old Fergal Devitt crack open his head off a ladder in front of the world's most casual crowd. We also take in the new NXT champion's time in Japan, the logic of his ‘inner demon' gimmick and, most excitingly, we fantasy book his move to the main roster of the WWE. Will he defeat Cena clean under the Wrestlemania sign? Or will he become Wee Cousin Fergal, Sheamus's Oirish partner in crime?It's an Irish celebration (#nomacklemore) on the podcast today. Enjoy

The team head to the pub in blitz-wracked Bethnal Green, London to get soused and prepare for an evening of traditional greasy grapple in storied York Hall, as former WWE stars, indie darlings and THE CURRENT IWGP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION fly in to take on the best the locals have to offer in Revolution Pro Wrestling's Summer Sizzler. We speculate on what's about to happen in the lively Old George pub before reviewing events back at the studio. We are SHOCKED by Matt Classic's true identity. We are IN AWE of Big Damo's bigness. We are ASTOUNDED by the feats of valour and athleticism shown off by Will Ospreay and Matt Sydal. We are EMBARRASSED by Karl's reaction to AJ Styles. We are AFFLICTED by Stendhal Syndrome while watching Shinsuke Nakamura. Find out why, and more, by listening to the podcast.

Daniel Bryan is finished. Injury has done for him for perhaps the final time. In this podcast, the team discuss whether this is their fault, and by extension your fault, for demanding so much of a preternaturally talented star. There's a wide-ranging discussion, from a 25-year-old 5'8" indie wrestler being the best in the world to a man holding up the belt at the end of a Wrestlemania booked around him. We talk Bryan the strong-style master, Bryan the artist, Bryan the child entertainer and more, finishing by fantasy booking the rest of his life. Join us.

The Irish and the Mexicans have links that go deep, from our shared affection for the Olé Olé Olé football chant to the disproportionately large number of Mexican fast good outlets in Dublin considering its population of ~8 Mexican people. So it's sure to be a joyful time when our team, renamed Carlos, Don Miguel and El Wogano for the occasion, take a look at Lucha Underground, the hour-long lucha libre show that popped up at some point last year. Join us as we discover the wizardry of the luchadore, intergender wrestling and Alberto Del Rio doing great after the divorce. [We watched: Several episodes of Lucha Underground TV] Thanks to Tim for the music suggestion from the shadow of the Arena Mexico itself.

Brock Lesnar doesn't seem like he enjoys wrestling all that much - but that doesn't matter, because he is incredible at it. In the first episode of the new series of Jumping Nothing, Karl and Michael are joined in their new studio (...not apartment) by new addition Cathal, recruited for his unmatchable virtue of being from somewhat near Fergal Devitt in Bray. With the third man in place, they unpack the problem of Brock Lesnar, a man who doesn't do anything smart fans like, but whom it is impossible not to enjoy. He's made of ham. He sweats instead of selling. He won the title in the main event of his first Wrestlemania - and it wasn't even his first title. But he was ready. He was born ready. (We watched: vs. Kurt Angle, Wrestlemania 19 vs. Eddie Guerrero, No Way Out 2004 vs. Goldberg, Wrestlemania 20 vs. John Cena, Extreme Rules 2013 vs. CM Punk, Summerslam 2013 vs. Undertaker, Wrestlemania 30 vs. Roman Reigns, Wrestlemania 31)

Bret Hart is the greatest professional wrestler of all time - this is a topic on which even implacable enemies Karl and Michael can agree. As a result, this episode is something of a celebration. We begin at Wrestlemania 10 and conclude at Wrestlemania 13, covering the period of time during which the Hitman consistently failed to have hall-of-fame quality pay-per-view matches, selecting six to show that he could, at his height, do everything, with anyone. The compilation takes in Bret making sense of Piper, Bret cutting loose with Bulldog, Bret having an athletic wrestling contest with Owen, Bret having a cage-climbing competition with Owen, Bret having Kevin Nash's only good match, and Bret keeping up with Austin as he turns into Austin. We keep away from the stuff people tend to focus on - the Montreal screwjob, Bret-as-self-righteous, Bret as samey, Bret misused in WCW, Owen's death - and stick to what's really important: Bret as the first and last perfect wrestler in the WWF/E style. He's not boring, formulaic or irreparably marked by a single dispute. He is literally the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Enjoy. INCIDENTAL MUSIC: Igor Stravinsky - Sacrifical Dance of the Chosen Victim (Rite of Spring) Das EFX - We Want EFX Bobby Brown - Humpin' Around Nas - One Time 4 Your Mind Notorious BIG - Warning GZA - Duel of the Iron Mic Notorious BIG - Mo Money Mo Problems Bret Hart's theme

Things take a turn towards Lovecraftian horror as Michael and Karl unfurl the hundreds of depressing things about the fan media that surrounds professional wrestling. From shoot interviewers who laugh at Roddy Piper getting raped to dirt sheets posting about Seth Rollins' outfit as if it was ‘dirt' like in the 80s, and from Mick Foley's relentless Al Snow jokes to the WWE poptimists, we dig up the uncomfortable. Then we stare at it and go, “Jesus”, and sigh, and laugh in a macabre fashion. Then finally we have an existential crisis. Enjoy.

AJ Styles stealing Devitt's family, Michael Elgin being cube-shaped, Okada not understanding English and Ligeruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu - it's NJPW vs ROH.

Punk was the best in the world, but now Punk is dead. It's not uncommon for professional wrestlers to brag - it's necessary, even, in many cases. And a long line of arrogant young men have claimed the title of world's best for themselves over the past several decades. But it only starts to matter when it begins to feel, even slightly, true. With that in mind, Karl and Michael select instructive moments in CM Punk's career and see what they can see. Did he gain Raven's powers of psychology through osmosis in their Ring of Honor feud in 2002? Was the technical masterclass of Punk vs Joe II really representative of his style? Is ruining Jeff Hardy's career funny? What did the pipe bomb really mean? And why was his 434-day title run so unsatisfying? Most of all what Karl and Michael consider is who CM Punk is as a wrestler - in the ring, on the mic, and as an elevator pitch. It's a heady one. Michael also reveals which ECW also-ran he used to have on AOL messenger, and there's a very special mood-setting hardcore/straight edge/crust punk soundtrack to keep your head in the right place. Enjoy. INCIDENTAL MUSIC: Crass - Punk Is Dead Chain of Strength - Let Down Good Clean Fun - You're Only Punk Once Minor Threat - Out of Step Crisis of Conformity - Fist Fight Rancid - Salvation Living Color - Cult of Personality (CM Punk's theme)

Thought we'd stopped watching wrestling forever? Well, we had. After the disappointment of the Royal Rumble, Karl and Michael left the WWE Universe via wormhole and devoted themselves more fully to their hobbies - reading Gawker and studying the Elder Scrolls wiki respectively. But something happened. Was it the draw of a wrestling spectacular without parallel, live from New Orleans, Louisiana? Was it the opportunity to see Undertaker for perhaps the last time, and to cheer Daniel Bryan on as he finally overcame the odds and became the least attractive champion in WWE history? Or was it, in fact, a result of subterfuge on the part of the objectivist community? Nobody knows. Anyway, we talk about Wrestlemania XXX. Michael finally realises that all wrestling fans are idiots. Karl regrets having believed that John Cena would rise above hate that time in 2012 or whenever. We also consider magic, the grim grind of the low-prestige wrestling news blogger, John Galt, Boethius and the future of Bray's finest, Prince Devitt, now that he's inevitably going to need a special shampoo to wash the Diet Mountain Dew out of his hair after embarrassing confrontations with the Great Khali on Smackdown. We're back.

There is an alternative. Far from the world of matadors and John Cena's dad, away from indie wrestling's pale imitations, there is a place where wrestling is still strong, proud and captivating. That place is Japan. For the benefit of their souls, Karl and Michael watch a wrestling show that's actually good, staying seated for five and a half hours of dragons, Deloreans and demonic possession, of dropkicks that haven't forgotten the effective in-ring logic of a dropkick, and of Americans who just shout FUCK into the camera to get a pop. The January 4 Tokyo Dome show is NJPW's Wrestlemania: the promotion's Gary-from-Pokemon, Okada, takes on the upstart Naito for the bigger, golder belt, while podcast favourite Tanahashi's Hair takes on the dastardly, alcohol-consuming Shinsuke Nakamura for the Intercontinental Title. Old school friends Goto and Shibata go at it with the stiffness, and Bray, Ireland's most complicated musculature Prince Devitt is inhabited by Carnage from Spiderman for his Junior Heavyweight title defence with Kota Ibushi. There's plenty more across a huge card, and we treat everything with a good deal of confusion: what is the significance of hair? What makes this crowd pop? What is the story with Japanese culture? It's fun, and it's long - it's Jumping Nothing Goes To The Tokyo Dome

It's awards time. Dave Meltzer carried the torch for so many years, but the elders have ruled that he doesn't look sloppy enough any more to be the voice of record. With this in mind, Karl and Michael have bravely stepped into the fold to give out the only recognition worth getting in wrestling these days. Awards include: Best disguise Grimmest appearance Woman of the year Most disappointing finishing move for a man with huge tits Best exploitation of an oft-terminal medical condition for crass financial gain Best 1920s odd couple tag team Best ad-libs Best enormous salmon-pink formal attire Worst creative Most enjoyable racist tag team or stable Sexual predator turned WWE colour commentator of the year Greatest disappointment Rob Van Dam Best economics Worst kind of currency Best standard Best Irish wrestling podcast Best call Best thing in WWE this year Best wrestler named for a rude adjective Most serious indie wrestling promotion with no jokes, just wrestling and lots of mean faces Professional wrestling promotion most lost in space and time Least fucks given And of course: Promotion of the year PPV of the year Match of the year Wrestler of the year Along the way, we also take in the entire history of the ‘Big Gold Belt' and whether WWE has the right to imply it carries the NWA's title legacy, Vince McMahon's inflatable suit, the entire TLC pay per view, communing with the spirit of Pat O'Connor through Irish alive-dead chat forums, the missed opportunity in not bringing shoot-almost-dead Jerry Lawler back as worked-dead Jerry Lawler, libertarian eschatology and how Japan is the great hope of this thing we do. INCIDENTAL MUSIC: Bushido, Fler & Kay One - Die Ganze Galaxie Gucci Mane - When I Was Water Whipping (Instrumental, prod. Lex Luger) TLC - No Scrubz Minutemen - #1 Hit Song E-40 feat. T-Pain - Serious Joe Esposito - You're The Best Around (Prince Devitt's theme)

Big Men are back, and not just Ryback. As dirtsheets and smarks bandy the apparently leaked fact that Vince is tired of small people, Karl and Michael consider the mess that was Survivor Series as Year Zero in the switch to the mostly-big-men era. We consider if Roman Reigns is ready, brother, if Big E Langston is ready, brother, if Ryback is ready, brother, if Luke Harper and Erick Rowan are ready, brother, and if Mark Henry has an Uncle Chud (he does). Along the way, we ponder the kayfabe mechanics of causing your entrance music to play, the fact that Kane is a libertarian who likes gold, the question of which wrestler would be the libertarian who likes bitcoin, the fact that Fiji and Samoa are different places, and the huge fandoms that individual wrestlers command - hello to anyone tagsearching Roman Reigns. It's Jumping Nothing #7, ever climbing those ropes, ever leaping towards its opponent, never landing a thing. Come listen. INCIDENTAL MUSIC AND YOUTUBE-RIPPED FOUND SOUNDS: Action Bronson - The Rockers Austrian Economics With Glenn Jacobs Onra - The Anthem Three 6 Mafia - Some Bodies Gonna Get It (Mark Henry's theme)

Things get tense as Karl turns heel and shoots on these marks in defence of John Cena, the greatest of all time. It's an in-depth look into Ol' Steroid Skin himself, his merits and drawbacks, the excitement those trumpets reluctantly bring to even the grumpiest neckbeard. We talk hulking up - including whether John Cena's lack of implicit kayfabe supernatural ability harms his cause - and burials, and moveset, and great matches, and more. Karl also attempts to draw heat by literally calling our Twitter followers dopes. It's a conversation that needed to be had. Is it cenawinslol.jpg? Or does Michael triumph over the champ? Tune in to find out.

In this world, there is light and there is dark. There is good and there is evil. There is an indie show we real-life went to in London, and there is TNA's Bound For Glory. Who will triumph in the battle to make Karl and Michael learn to stop worrying and love the powerbomb? This one's fun. We talk about the almost peak-entertainment given by (the internet's) Colt Cabana and (Vice wrestling documentary's) Grado, the heelery of British men with guts and the absolutely impeccable genius of our countryman Prince Deviit. On all this we agree. Then there's TNA. Incidental music: Clipse - Ain't Cha Oxide and Neutrino - Bound For Da Reload (Casualty) Madonna - Like A Prayer (Grado's Theme)

In this episode of Jumping Nothing, popular podcast duo Karl and Michael watch highly anticipated, never-seen-before, effectively personality-free WWE pay-per-view Battleground. Can Daniel Bryan defeat Randy Orton for the vacant WWE title? Will CM Punk finally get his hands on Paul Heyman for the 7th time? Can Cody and Goldust win their jobs back from the nefarious Shield? Answers to all this and more can be found through googling “WWE Battleground results”. We're more concerned with picking things apart. Tune in for thoughts on how Rob Van Dam is immune to having either good or bad matches, how the WWE seem to have accidentally staged a top quality Southern-style tag team match, how AJ is forced to have a Kelly Kelly match because models can't sell and how we expected a second Big Show to come down at the end of the show to beat up the first Big Show and get retribution for heels/faces/whichever the regular Big Show isn't. All this, and the show's favourite jumping nothing to date, an artisanal, hardcore jumping nothing by Alberto Del Rio. Fast times at Jumping Nothing Bluffs. Incidental music: Juelz Santana - S.A.N.T.A.N.A. Danny Brown feat. Charli XCX - Float On Pusha T - Nosetalgia The first two lines of E-40's verse from the 2012 BET Cipher - West Coast division. Brodus Clay's theme

On today's Jumping Nothing, Karl and Michael explore independent wrestling. Is it all just vanilla midgets? Is it laudable to do 100 moves? Does it matter what order the 100 moves go in? Who is watching this? Why not do a headlock? Is it funny to tell people to lick your genitals? Are indie wrestling fans just shut-ins on insulin highs? Answers to these questions and more are at least implied on the latest podcast, in which our intrepid podcast hosts dissect a strange world of untelevised brainbusters by watching a Pro Wrestling Guerrilla show that involves Kevin Steen rubbing his knob in Adam Cole's face, some on-the-shoulders wrestling, a rugged man endangering his tailbone, 1,090,311 high spots and a former WWE superstar doing a cossack dance as an offensive manoeuvre. Come join the fun. Music: Cousin Fik - Hacksaw Been Thuggin' Drake - Worst Behaviour Europe - The Final Countdown (Bryan Danielson's theme)

Episode two of Jumping Nothing sees the wrestling world in strange shape. John Cena's gone for six months, Orton has turned heel, CM Punk and Daniel Bryan have both had incredible matches at the top of the Summerslam card, most of the indie wrestlers nerds like have been given contracts and Sin Cara is, as ever, injured. A mere year ago, that would constitute the wishlist of the 'smart' internet fan. But are Karl and Michael happy? Sort of. We praise the high points of Summerslam, insult the US military, discuss the old 'wrestling is terrible' elephant in the room, celebrate Sin Cara's existentially challenging ability to either be injured, be injuring, or be getting injured at any stage in the progression of human time, and ask whether Prince Devitt's dad owns a tile shop in Wicklow town. It's a good one. Subscribe for fortnightly entertainment direct to your device. Music and YouTube-ripped found sounds: Intro: Killer Mike - Ric Flair Summerslam '92 opening Riff Raff - Larry Byrd (chopped and screwed) Hiatus Kaiyote - Nakamurra Outro: Brock Lesnar theme

Karl and Michael mull the profoundly important question of whether professional wrestling is for children, as well as taking in Cena, Bryan, Lesnar, Punk and everyone else on Raw, and expressing hopes and dreams for Summerslam. This is Jumping Nothing, feel free to RKO.