Podcast appearances and mentions of bill butterworth

Renowned author and speaker Bill Butterworth was with us on Sunday! Using humor and selected Proverbs Bill "busted" the myths of idealism, isolation, individualism, and intensity within our family dynamics.  Bill shared how we can use Proverbs as a God-given user-friendly instruction manual to understand what God has in mind about how a realistic family can operate successfully.

Bill Butterworth claimed he had no idea what happened. He awoke in a haze, hundreds of miles from home. He'd driven from Kansas to Florida in a car that wasn't his. The vehicle belonged to a family whose house he'd been working on. But how had he come into possession of their car? Then, Bill says he heard a horrifying story on the radio. Phil Fager had been shot dead in his home. His daughters, Kelli and Sherri, had been killed as well. Their killer had not been found. And now for a note about our process. For this episode, Brandi copy and pasted from the best sources on the web. And sometimes Wikipedia. (No shade, Wikipedia. We love you.) We owe a huge debt of gratitude to the real experts who covered these cases. In this episode, Brandi pulled from: “Kansas Trails: Sedgwick County” genealogytrails.com “Wichita murder suspect in custody” by AP, The Salina Journal “Suspect charged in family slayings” upi.com “Methods described by police” by Kaye Schultz, The Wichita Eagle “Prosecution rests case in Butterworth murder trial” by Jim Cross, The Wichita Eagle “Most self-professed amnesiacs fake it, psychologist testifies” by Kaye Schultz, The Wichita Eagle “Wichita triple-slaying case now up to jury” by Lynn Byczynski, The Kansas City Times “Jury weighs evidence in triple slaying” by AP, The Kansas City Star “Butterworth acquitted in deaths” by Bill Hirschman, The Wichita Eagle "Police report on Face case still in works” by Jim Cross, The Wichita Eagle “State of Kansas v. William T. Butterworth” “1988 murder trial still haunts jury foreman” by Roy Wenzl, The Wichita Eagle “The Fager Murders” episode, The Generation Why Podcast YOU'RE STILL READING? My, my, my, you skeezy scunch! You must be hungry for more! We'd offer you some sausage brunch, but that gets messy. So how about you head over to our Patreon instead? (patreon.com/lgtcpodcast). At the $5 level, you'll get 49+ full length bonus episodes, plus access to our 90's style chat room!  

This past Sunday, we finished up our Lessons from Good Kings series with a longtime friend of ccdelco, Bill Butterworth, speaking on the final Good King, Jesus Christ, the King of kings.

The breathless pace of modern living can make it difficult for parents to find the right balance between work and family.

Bill Butterworth knows how challenging it can be to keep some sort of balance between your career and your personal life.

More than half of all households today have been affected by a divorce . . . but that doesn't mean there isn't hope after divorce...

When divorce hits your home, you may feel as though your life is over.

LOVE. It's something everyone wants, but often you need to give love first, in order to receive it. Bill Butterworth shares some fun insights he learned when he made a point of being more loving to his family and friends.

In this show, Leh starts off with an announcement that is both happy and sad all at the same time.  Then Leh and Todd discuss resources to help save your marriage if it is in the middle of a crisis; to help you improve your marriage; to help you prepare for your next marriage; and to help you improve your communication skills.  They explain how to listen to their past shows together to gain the greatest benefit.  The shows they reference in this episode are listed below: 11 - Can I Save My Marriage if it is on the Edge of a Divorce? 14 - Marriage Tips from a Divorce Lawyer 25 -  How to Run TOWARDS Difficult Conversations 39 -  Marriage Intensives and Workshops 55 - The Five Love Languages - An Interview with Dr. Gary Chapman 90 -10 Things You Can Start Doing Today to inoculate your marriage 91 - Taking Your Marriage to the Next Level:  Practicing Healthy Communication 102 - New Life after divorce with Bill Butterworth 107 - Healing Past Divorce with Joshua Ludlum 131 - What is Discernment Counseling and How It Can Help If You Are Considering Divorce with Matt Driggers 148 - Seeking Wise Counsel to Build a Thriving Marriage or Survive a Divorce 158 - 4 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Filing for Divorce 160 Ellen Marmon A Divorce with a Happy Ending - A Story of Reconciliation 162 - Raising an Organized Child in a Blended Family 189 - 10 New Year's Resolutions for Your Marriage

Bill Butterworth was a super-busy pastor and speaker until the day his youngest son looked at him and spoke his first word: “Bob.” Not Dad, not Bill, but “Bob.” That moment changed Bill's life, and made him consider the legacy he was leaving his five children. Hear what he learned about the power of love in this lighthearted message.

December 31, 1987. Wichita, Kansas. Mary Fager walked into her house and found the body of her husband so she had a neighbor call 911. When police arrived they found the bodies of Mary's husband and two daughters. They had been brutally murdered, Phillip was shot and Sherri and Kelli had been drowned in the family's hot tub. The contractor, Bill Butterworth, was missing as was the family's vehicle. Bill would be traced to another state and apprehended. He claimed to have no real memories of that day or any idea how he ended up in Florida. Join us as we discuss a bizarre case that shocked a community.Get extra episodes from us every month! Visit: patreon.com/generationwhyListen ad free with Wondery+. Join Wondery+ for exclusives, binges, early access, and ad free listening. Available in the Wondery App. https://wondery.app.link/generationwhy.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In week three of our Breaking Free: From Barrenness to Fruitfulness series, Bill Butterworth explores sorrow vs. joy.

The breathless pace of modern living can make it difficult for parents to find the right balance between work and family.

Bill Butterworth knows how challenging it can be to keep some sort of balance between your career and your personal life.

More than half of all households today have been affected by a divorce . . . but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope after divorce...

When divorce hits your home, you may feel as though your life is over.

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. Marriage Matters Guests:                      Steve and Misty Arterburn and Ron Deal             From the series:       Blended Family Tips  Bob: Children who have experienced the loss of a parent, either because of death or divorce, have experienced some level of trauma as a result of that loss. Steve Arterburn says if those kids become a part of a new blended family, they don't need a new stepdad to be a drill sergeant.  Steve: I know all these guys that come in: “These—look, these kids will respect me. I will discipline them. They will obey me.” It's so much more about trying to build a bond and a connection in the midst of horror that they've gone through than getting something from them that they should never have to give, reluctantly.  Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, April 6th. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine. If you're in a blended family, have you thought strategically about what your stepchildren need from you? We're going to spend time talking about that today with our guests, Steve and Misty Arterburn, and with Ron Deal.  1:00 Stay tuned.  And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. We're talking about one of those challenging areas in life when a couple starts a new marriage, where both of them have been previously married and they bring children into that relationship. That, for a lot of couples, is an unexpected kind of a blindside: “Oh, I didn't know this was…” “Oh, I didn't…” “Oh, oh….” You know, it kind of— Dennis: I do.  Bob: —it's a wakeup call for a lot of couples.  Dennis: It really is; and joining us in the studio today to give us a perspective about that is Ron Deal. His perspective counts, because he has been in this area for over three decades; right, Ron?  Ron: Am I that old? [Laughter]  Bob: Sorry to break it to you, but yes. [Laughter] Ron: I guess so.  Dennis: Ron heads up FamilyLife Blended®. He's also joined by Steve and Misty Arterburn, all the way from Indiana.  2:00 Thanks for coming down and visiting us.  Steve: Great to be here.  Dennis: Glad to have you.  Steve: Thank you.  Misty: Thank you.  Bob: Any radio listeners, who think, “Is this New Life Live!?”—no; it's FamilyLife Today—at least for the next 30 minutes, and then we might get to New Life Live! later on today; okay?  Steve: Thank you.  Bob: Yes.  Dennis: Steve is a pastor at Northview in Carmel, Indiana.  Steve: That's right.  Dennis: Great ministry at church that has—how many people attending every Sunday?  Steve: I think around 10,000 and 3 campuses are in prisons. We just love ministering to those prisoners.  Bob: That's great.  Dennis: That's great. You and Misty have authored several books together.  We want to talk about what Bob was mentioning at the outset about how blended families function, especially, around parenting.  Bob: Yes; it is one thing for a couple, who have met, following—both of you were involved in a divorce / you were both sinned against. Your church got involved— Steve: Yes. Bob: —and helped you in the process of all of this. You met a while after you'd had the divorce. You dated for a period of time.  3:00 Steve: Right.  Bob: You fell in love—you said, “We're going to get married.” You had two kids. Steve, you had a daughter. As you thought about remarriage, were you anticipating this could get tricky with kids?  Steve: We didn't think it would be tricky. We knew that, if it wasn't done well and right / if we didn't prepare before the marriage, it was just going to end up—it had a good chance that the kids would cause another divorce—or the way we were handling those.  I was very impressed with her mothering. I just—it was—I was blown away by the way she mothered. She had these little boys. By the time they were seven, they'd gone through The Chronicles of Narnia, and the whole Bible, and all this stuff. They had a foundation. I was just thrilled that that was the kind of mothering she had done in the wake of divorce.  Bob: Were you worried, Misty, about the blending of families and being parents together?  Misty: I was terrified.  4:00 I was terrified. I just don't take it lightly. Those are my boys, and their well-being was the highest aim. I was trying to make sure that I was healthy and that they could be healthy, and I didn't want to risk. So, we were— Dennis: That's what I wanted to ask you: “Was it hard to trust again?”  Misty: Yes; very, very hard. You go through a train wreck like that, and there's debris and carnage. You don't want to experience that again. It was very sobering to go through that; and I tried to keep my eyes very wide open, walking into a new relationship.  Dennis: And you wanted to protect your kids because they trusted too; huh?  Steve: Well, my daughter was kind of everything to me at that point. I was not going to expose her to somebody that would love her for a little while and then we'd break up and it would be over. It was a long time before we got the kids together; but I felt like, if she could mother those boys the way she did, she could sure be a great bonus mother to my daughter. 5:00 Ron: Now, we're going to talk about parenting and step-parenting here in a minute; but to set that up, we have to continue with what you guys have just talked about. To be able to trust one another, as husband and wife—when you're also holding so tightly to your children and then trying to figure out “How do I merge my heart with another adult and with their kids?”—there is a lot of stuff in that to consider. At the end of the day, if that marital merger doesn't go well, there's no way your parenting merger can go well. Talk to us around that journey for you.  Misty: Well, it's a lot of plates spinning all at once. It's not linear—it'd be great if we could just address one thing at a time, but there are so many things happening at any given moment.  I just try to take one day at a time—just keep it simple / just do the next right thing. Eventually, all those pieces unfold; and you get presented with the next challenge— 6:00 —just a constant state of surrender to God and His ultimate will—and not grasping onto what I think I want and trying to force my life into a certain container so that it will look the way I want—but truly surrendering—to let it unfold over time, and slow down, and the answers come.  Steve: I knew something, as a single man; and I forgot it after we got married. If I didn't have sex with her—if I wanted her to trust me more than I wanted her to have sex with me, as a single, she would trust me after we got married.  Now, after we got married, I didn't stick with that. I would—I'd make the goal: “Hey, let's be intimate together!” It has been a glaring lesson that, even in marriage, the goal is: “Wait, it's not to be sexually intimate; it is to build that trust so that she wants to be intimate.”  7:00 It began in dating and, I think—well, I mean, she said to me many times what that meant to her—that I didn't want to take from her.  Ron: Now, I know why you guys were attracted to each other; because there is so much character in what you just said. There is so much self-discipline in that—the surrendering to God—not organizing your life and making it work the way you wanted it to restore some fantasy that was lost from the previous relationship or whatever. No, no, no; you took it a day at a time. You listened to God; you made Him the priority; you made choices about purity on behalf of your relationship with God—that's how you begin to nurture and find clarity.  Bob: Okay; let me jump into year one of the marriage.  Steve: Yes.  Bob: Alright; it's now Steve and Misty Arterburn and their three kids.  Steve: Right.  Bob: How did that go?  Misty: All hell broke loose. [Laughter]  Ron: We've heard that before on this program. You're not the only ones—please know that.  Misty: Okay; so—no, truly, it was as if a bomb went off. It was—I think what happens is—you eat the wedding cake—we joke about “Don't eat the wedding cake because there is something in it.”   8:00 All of a sudden, the deal is done. All the fear just skyrockets; because: “Now, we have to make it work” and all of the “What have I just gotten myself into?”—and when the first problems arise—it's just: “I need the other person to come through.” I think just the intensity of the first year—and you're scared, and you're trying to do it, and you're trying to take care of the kids—and it is all these components all at the same time.  Steve: And I would say that all hell did break loose; but because we had counselors with us, we got it tied back together.  Misty: Oh, yes; yes.  Steve: The thing that we went into—I made sure of—I didn't ever want to be abandoned again. There were no safety nets—there was no: “Well, you know, if this doesn't…” or whatever. No; this was going to have—I had to know that she would commit forever.  Dennis: You're talking about a covenant.  Steve: Yes.  Misty: Yes.  Ron: Yes.  Steve: So— Misty: We did have that.  Steve: —we worked through the hot stuff and got to the other side of it, and that was the blessing.  9:00 Dennis: Okay; I want to go back to year one, where Bob had us a few moments ago. In the midst of all hell breaking loose, what I want to know is: “Which one of you had the highest unreal expectations about being parents in a blended family? Who do you think had the higher expectations?”  Misty: I don't know if it was expectation or just desperation. We desperately—I desperately wanted my boys to have a stable man / father figure in their lives. He desperately wanted me to be able to be a mother to Madeline.  Steve: It was kind of mutual in our desire, but that was one thing that we really kind of got right in the midst of all of the difficulty of getting used to each other. We approached step-parenting in a different way than we'd ever heard about or taught, and we're so grateful that we did.  Ron: Well, one of the things you talk about is coming in as being a benevolent uncle or aunt— Steve: Yes.  Ron: —as opposed to instant authority in the kids' lives.  10:00 That had to help, especially, in terms of this desperation you were feeling about the other and what role they would play in your kids' lives. That had to help when you saw that softness. Talk to me about “benevolent uncle or aunt”: “What does that look like?”  Steve: Well, I just wanted to add to their lives, and I wanted to earn respect. I wanted them to enjoy being with me, and I wanted to do some things that they weren't expecting me to do.  Misty: One night—I think Carter was probably 11 or 12 and particularly cranky at the—in the kitchen, we were getting ready for dinner; and it was really getting out of hand. My instinct was to say: “Hey, you can go eat dinner in your room. You know, get a plate and head on up,” to my son. Steve chimed in and he said, “Or you could roll a raw egg across the kitchen floor with your nose the full length of the kitchen floor. You get to choose.” [Laughter] Instantly, the climate changed.  11:00 My son said, “Alright; I'll roll an egg across the floor.” We have this unbelievably treasured video of him rolling with his nose.  Ron: Oh, that's got to be good. Misty: We were laughing, and it just shifted. There was an instance where I was sort of coming down on top; but Steve so wisely came in and brought playfulness, and love, and laughter into the moment.  Steve: I was not the primary disciplinarian with them—  Misty: No.  Steve: —she was.  Misty: That's right.  Steve: Then, I supported her; and the same with my daughter. I know all these guys that come in: “These—look, these kids will respect me. I will discipline them. They will obey me.” It's so much more about trying to build a bond and a connection in the midst of the horror that they've gone through than getting something from them that they should never have to give, reluctantly.  Bob: One of the principles you've talked about is that stepparents need to do a lot more listening than they do talking; right?  Steve: Yes; you're out there, talking to be known because: “I'm the new kid on the block. I'm the leader here.”  12:00 Well, why not—why don't you listen to know them? Well, then, if you do that, they are going to know you have a heart for them; and they'll trust you.  Misty: That's right.  Steve: And to this day, I mean, when I get a text from James, it makes me tear—[Emotion in voice] —you know, he's asking for my advice. I just think you just— Dennis: That's a gift.  Steve: —don't know what that's worth—  Dennis: That's a gift.  Steve: —for a college student to be asking me for advice. It's just pretty special. Ron: That's beautiful. I hope every pastor listening to us, right now, is hearing what you are saying; because often, they are the ones who are guilty of telling a stepparent, “Step in there and be the dad.”  Bob: Yes. Ron: What you're saying has so much wisdom in it—you're saying: “I supported my wife as the parent to her children, and I came alongside her as a benevolent uncle to those children. I listened; I played; and I gained their trust and their respect.  13:00 “Eventually, I became the guy they text and ask for advice.” That's a beautiful picture.  I've got to just throw this in there. Steve has spoken at our Summit on Stepfamily Ministry that we sponsor, here, at FamilyLife® every year. That's one of the things we do there—is educate pastors and lay leaders about how they can minister well to stepfamilies in their church and community.  Dennis: And Steve, just comment on what he said; because you are a pastor— Steve: Yes.  Dennis: —of a local church—how the church can benefit from being trained in better understanding where stepfamilies are and how they can relate to one another.  Steve: Well, I go back to Jeremiah 6:14—it says, “They treat the deep wounds of my people with superficial treatments.” That is something that every pastor needs to memorize, because the issues of step-parenting and stepfamilies are so intricate. You really do need to not try to throw out these Band-Aid kind of answers, and you really need to look at— 14:00 —I mean, Ron has spent a lifetime of delving into this to try to come up with the true truth about this. I just hope and pray that you would take a second look at everything you've ever said about step-parenting and stepfamilies and be sure that you are being helpful and not hurtful.  Bob: Sounds like you guys were pretty well prepared for the shared parenting journey that you were stepping into. As you look back, if you could have one do-over in how you began the process of step-parenting, what would your do-over be?  Misty: Yes; there's a night that I remember. It was—I got offended by Madeline, and I really think that it wasn't helpful for me to be offended. I think the highest aim is connection, and correction must submit to connection—that's the first thing. Then, once there is a connection and safety, the correction is welcome and effective.  15:00 Bob: Hang on. Ron's writing that down.  Ron: Oh, yes. We've got to unpack that, because that is beautiful. It's absolutely on target, but we've got to flesh that out for people because that's so hard. We want obedience now; right?—we want good behavior. We want everybody, who is watching us in the store with our kids, to go, “Oh, you must be a fabulous parent; because look at how your child is behaving.” When obedience is the priority, then you stop being able to connect, in particular as a stepparent.  So how do you slow yourself down, as a stepmom? How did you slow yourself down to go: “You know what? Connection is the priority here”?  Misty: Well, I think it started with the healing processes that we went through—that we fall short of the glory of God, and here are these children—they are trying to make sense of their lives. They are trying to grow up—they don't know everything / they don't have everything—maybe, they had too much sugar today, and it has nothing to do with defiance and rebellion.  16:00 Maybe, they didn't get enough sleep last night. Maybe, it's a very basic need: “Do I have compassion or not?” If my child is misbehaving or doing things that aren't pleasing to me: “Well, what's it about? What's the underlying issue?”  Steve: Now, I just have to say this—as she talks about breaking connection and being more interested in correction, one of the things that we talk about in bonus parenting is: “Don't be the stepparent that's always right. Be the bonus parent who humbly and willingly admits mistakes and makes amends.”   Last night, when I'm telling Madeline we're going to come talk about this experience, I said, “So what is it that Misty did so well with you?” She says, “Connection and communication.” Now, why did she say that all these years later?—because Misty didn't stay there; she made amends. She came after her, from a humble perspective, after realizing, “That didn't go too well.”  Ron: Yes.  Steve: That's what the stepparent is so afraid to do—that they're never going to be viewed as a great person.  17:00 Well, actually, you're going to be viewed as a very great person when you're humble.  Misty: And we make things mean something about us when, really, it's about this child— Ron: That's right.  Misty: —and what they're—there is some skill that they don't have to cope with their situation. My job and privilege, as the mother, is to help them figure out what skill they need to handle that situation.  Ron: I've just got to add one more thought to this. Just this morning, we were recording another FamilyLife Blended radio feature. I was talking about putting on thick skin. It's a hard thing to say: “But sometimes, stepparents, you've just got to put on your thick skin.”  As you said, not everything is about you. Sometimes, it's about sugar; you know? Sometimes, it is about the past. Kids do have hurts and wounds on their heart, and they act out just like the rest of us do. It still doesn't mean that it's a rejection of you. It doesn't mean that your life is over. Let that bullet bounce a little bit. Ask God to give you the strength and courage to bear up under it. Find a way to put on compassion in that moment.  18:00 You'll probably find that the kid softens, and you soften, and you move past it.  Bob: I want to find out about a do-over for you, Steve. If you could go back to the first year or two and have a do-over, can you think of something?  Steve: Well, I think it was being gone too much and travelling too much versus saying: “You know what? I need to carve out this time and spend more time with them.” I think that would have been really valuable.  Bob: Blending takes— Steve: Yes.  Bob: —time, and intentionality, and effort. You can't just think, “Oh, this will happen”; right?  Steve: No; that's right. It's not easy, but the rewards later—I thought that these boys were an obligation that I had to fulfill to be married to Misty. They are two of the greatest blessings in my life.  Dennis: Sometimes, it's good to go out to the end of a matter and just be reminded of the big picture. That's what the Book of 1 Peter does—in Chapter 4, it says this:  19:00 “The end of all things is at hand; therefore, be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”  Steve: There you are.  Dennis: Now, that's true of a blended family and— Bob: —true at our house!  Misty: Yes.  Dennis: —my house as well!  Misty: I sure need it.  Dennis: I'm just telling you—some listeners today need to be reminded, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” I think Misty demonstrated the attitude, repeatedly, this week on the broadcast, talking about humbling down— Bob: Yes.  Dennis: —bending your will toward the God of the universe and say, “God, I was wrong,” and then stepping back up—not wallowing in your mistake, and reliving it, and blaming and shaming yourself, but instead, go: “You know what? I'm going to use that as a tool toward learning and growing as a follower of Christ.  20:00 “I'm going to step back up, and I'm going to love because God first loved me.”  Misty: That's right.  Dennis: Misty/Steve, thanks for modeling these—not perfectly—  Steve: No.  Dennis: —I'm not going to set you up for failure there—but thank you for being open and honest and sharing your love for Christ but also your love for one another.  I just have to say to you Misty—the listener doesn't know it; but occasionally, we'll have a guest come in, Bob, who says, “Now, this is not really my thing.” I wish—I just wish our listeners could have seen Misty. She was reaching over, grasping Steve's arm, saying, “Stop talking so I can start talking.” [Laughter] Bob: “I've got something to say here. Step aside, husband.”  Dennis: “I've got more.” [Laughter] Thanks for being on the broadcast, Misty. Steve, we may invite you back again. [Laughter] Steve: Thank you. [Laughter] Bob: I'm thinking folks may get a chance to see this dynamic, live, when you guys are a part of the upcoming Blended & Blessed® one-day livestream event that's going to be happening on Saturday, April 21st— 21:00 —that's just a couple of weeks away.  Hopefully, our listeners are already planning to do this in their local church; or they are inviting friends over to watch the livestream in their living room; or if you live in Charlotte, maybe, you are planning to come out to where the event is going to be hosted, live. Ron Deal, Dr. Rick Rigsby, Michele Cushatt, Bill Butterworth, and Steve and Misty Arterburn are going to be speaking that day. It's going to be available, worldwide, on the internet.  You can find out more about how you can host one of these events in your local church or where a local church is already hosting one of these in your community so you can attend; or you can have the livestream in your home and invite others in to watch it with you. Find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, we're talking about the 2018 Blended & Blessed one-day livestream event, Saturday, April 21st.  22:00 Find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com and plan to join us for that day. We think this is going to be a great equipping day for couples who are in a blended marriage / a blended family and want that relationship to be solid and one that honors the Lord.  Now, this weekend, we've got couples in eight cities across the country, who are going to be joining us for a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. We hope you'll pray for these couples. We've got getaways happening in Indianapolis; Jacksonville, Florida; Lake Tahoe; Little Rock; Newport, Rhode Island; Omaha, Nebraska; Seattle, Washington—actually out in Bellevue—and in Washington, DC. There will be thousands of couples taking part in a getaway this weekend—including pastors and their spouses who will be attending, and they'll be attending as our guests. We've covered the registration costs for these pastors. Actually, you've covered the registration costs because those of you who are donors to FamilyLife Today— 23:00 —you have helped us fill up a scholarship fund so that we can provide scholarships for pastors and spouses. You may want to let your pastor know about that and urge him to take a weekend away with his wife and pour into his marriage.  If you'd like to make sure pastors and spouses can continue to attend a getaway, you can help make that happen. Our scholarship fund is starting to deplete. We're asking listeners to make a contribution to the FamilyLife Pastors Scholarship Fund. You can contribute, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. If you designate your giving, it will all go to the Pastors Scholarship Fund; or if you'd like to leave your gift undesignated, it will go to help support the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program. Thanks for your partnership with this ministry; and on behalf of pastors and their spouses, thank you for making it possible for them to attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway.  24:00 And we hope you have a great weekend. In fact, we hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend in your local church; and we hope you can join us back on Monday when we're going to be talking about the unique relationship that exists between mothers and sons and how moms need to learn that what their sons need more than love is respect. Emerson Eggerichs will be here to help us understand that. I hope you can tune in as well.  I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.  FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru® Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.  We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?   Copyright © FamilyLife. All rights reserved. www.FamilyLife.com  

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. How Blended Families Function Guests:                      Steve and Misty Arterburn and Ron Deal             From the series:       Blended Family Tips  Bob: When Steve and Misty Arterburn married, they brought children into the newly-formed blended family, but Steve says they wanted to make sure that the children knew what their relationship with their new mom and dad was all about. Steve: We did not want to be step-parents—step-parents get stepped on. We wanted to be a bonus into their lives, so we claim ourselves as bonus parents and kind of come at it as a benevolent aunt or uncle would, in the very beginning, and earn their respect and ask permission, really, to be in their lives. Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, April 5th. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine. We'll hear from Steve and Misty Arterburn today about some of the things they learned as they blended a family together—some of the challenges they faced along the way. Stay with us. 1:00 And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. We're going to tackle a subject today that can be a little difficult to navigate. Our listeners know that we urge couples to keep their covenant / to stay married. Sometimes couples, for reasons that are beyond themselves, their marriages don't survive. That puts them in a position to go, “Okay; what do I do now?” We have some friends who are going to help have that conversation with us today. Dennis: We do. Steve and Misty Arterburn join us on FamilyLife Today. Misty/Steve, welcome back. Misty: Thank you so much. Steve: Thank you. It's great to be here. Dennis: You guys both experienced divorce separately; and then began to date and, ultimately, got married. The thing that really resonates with Bob and me is that you brought your church into your relationship— 2:00 Steve: Right. Dennis: —to bring a sense of biblical judgment, and sound advice, and counsel as you established this relationship. Bob: Well, and as you guys start to talk about this, we should acknowledge, as well, that our friend, Ron Deal, is joining us today. Dennis: I wasn't ignoring him. [Laughter] Bob: I know you weren't, but I wanted our listeners to know he's in the studio with us. Ron gives leadership to the blended family initiative, here, at FamilyLife. We thought this is a conversation you need to be in on with us—nice to have you here. Ron: Glad to be here. Certainly glad to be with the Arterburns. Steve: Yes; we hope we represent a smart stepfamily for you. [Laughter] Dennis: Well said—well said. Ron: I think you do. Steve: No; we really did, from the beginning, work with our pastors on overcoming some obstacles. Both of us felt like we met the biblical criteria for divorce and for remarriage, and that was kind of the foundation first. Misty: We had a lot of people speaking into our lives—we invited a lot of people into our relationship—but also each of our own individual healing paths that we were on.  3:00 When you start dating someone, you don't know if this is going to end up in a marriage. The main goal was just for me to continue being healthy, and healing, and growing, and raising my boys to be healthy, and strong, and healing as well. Steve was on a path like that. Bob: Well, here's the way I think about the kind of situation both of you were in. I follow pro sports. I know, sometimes, a guy will sustain an injury that knocks him out for the season. He has to go to the doctors; he has to get bones reset; he has a lot of work that has to happen / there's some rehab that has to happen. The doctors want to make sure that, before they even think about him being back in the game, he's not going to tear something fresh. Misty: Right; yes. Steve: Right. Bob: So, when your first marriages ended, you were where all people are in that moment—you were hurting and out of the game for a while.  4:00 Misty: Yes. Bob: What was the process of beginning rehab and realignment for you during those first few months after the divorce happened? Misty: Well, it was a bit like walking off of a cliff. I mean, I didn't know if I'd survive it either. I cried every day, for about four years, during the process and after the divorce—a lot of pain / a lot of pain.  I had a mentor—a female mentor in the church—and we met regularly. She, not only covered me in prayer, but just gave me daily practical advice and encouragement. The elders of my church were involved—they were looking out for me. I went two cycles through the divorce care recovery material, which was phenomenal and very, very healing. I just got into a community of people that are: everybody healing—and we're all looking at our wounds, and we're getting input, and we're humbling down. It was a time when, actually, spiritually, it's a really precious time in my life. 5:00 You know, going through it was horrific; but it is a treasure to me now. I lived in the Psalms, and I just prayed those prayers, and I had experienced God in a new way. I couldn't know Him as a comforter at the level that I met Him during that very, very dark season. Those were some of the things I did. Steve: Yes; and when I met Misty—I just met her one time. I didn't ever talk with her for a long time after that; but as we did get to know each other, a year or so later, I was so impressed by her connection in church, and with her pastors, and mentors. We swapped counselors before we decided we could get married. But for me, you know, I was surrounded by all these—the best Christian counselors—like Henry Cloud, John Townsend, and all these other folks—and then I went to see a counselor.  6:00 I had an assistant who said: “By the way, you need to get some help. You look really bad,”—and I did. It was the darkest time of my life—the pain.  I discovered something so strange—that my pain was fear—I just never associated fear and pain. I just thought fear was anxiety—fear—but it was so painful. I went to see this guy, Milan Yerkovich, who wrote a book called How We Love. He said to me, “I'm going to help you get your life back.” I just burst into tears, because I didn't have a life. I would say my life was absolutely, totally, completely black for six months before I could even see any ray of hope or sunshine. It's been a very, very difficult process.  I would want to just say this, as a disclaimer—that we've been married almost 13 years, but we're not a poster child for remarriage—it's hard.  7:00 I was so fortunate to meet her. She wasn't desperate—she decided to marry me—desperation didn't decide to marry me. So often, it's desperation that makes that decision. Ron: You know, I'm sitting here, listening to them talk, guys—and Dennis, I just have to say—we're hearing from them how it should be. I mean, they did it right. Misty, I wrote it down—you said you were dedicated to healing, you were walking with God, [and] you threw yourself into a community. Steve, you got counsel / multiple counsel—you know, allowed others to speak into your life. It was dark; you endured the darkness. You know, I think one of the big mistakes people make is—they run from their pain; and they run into a new relationship, because that makes you feel good—so then that sets you up for making poor decisions. But you endured the pain—you listened to God / you saw Him in it—you—and still, even then, that doesn't necessarily make you the poster child for an easy transition into a stepfamily life; right? Misty: No. 8:00 Ron: And that's the thing that I would want our listeners to catch—is that, even when we do this the right way and you seek God in it, it doesn't just necessarily turn on all the lights in your life and everything is perfect; but there is a better way to go through the process and a way that makes things even harder. Dennis: You both have five children. Steve: Right. Dennis: Misty, you brought two children in; Steve, you one; and then you had two together.  Misty: Right. Dennis: What did your children that you had prior to your marriage together—what did they think when you started dating? Misty: Well, we waited quite awhile before we introduced each other, because we don't want to introduce our children to people that they may attach to and then not stick around. Steve: Not a good thing. Misty: So we were very, very careful about that. Steve: And so often, when people get married, they're all excited about getting married; and the kids view it as a hostile takeover—they don't want any part of it. Misty: Or they may idealize that, “Oh, this is going to be great—this new person coming in,” and that doesn't happen a lot. 9:00 Dennis: And I wonder, too, if maybe the parent is hoping that the child will help make the selection of a new spouse for them. Misty: Yes; sure. Steve: Oh, it's so true; and of course, often, the child—especially the younger children—they're wanting to cling onto anything that looks like something more than what they have. You really have to avoid that. To answer your question about my daughter—what she felt about Misty was: “Hey, she comes to my soccer games,”—at that time, soccer was everything—“…not only comes, but she yells / she's engaged”; and “She plays volleyball with me outside,” and “She takes me on trips.”  Both of us came at this—we did not want to be step-parents. We wanted to be a bonus to them; so we claim ourselves as bonus parents. Step-parents get stepped on; so we wanted to be a bonus into their life and kind of come at it as a benevolent aunt or uncle would, in the very beginning, and earn their respect and ask permission, really, to be in their lives versus:  10:00 [Step-parent speaking to child] “Hey, I'm going to marry your mother,” or “…your father. You will respect me. I will be the disciplinarian.” That is the absolute worst scenario; and as you know, Ron, it's so common. Ron: Yes. Bob: I want to pull back from the parenting angle for just a second and go back to your relationship with one another. Steve: Okay. Bob: What was the gap for you, Misty, between when the divorce was final and when you started dating again?—how long? Misty: I can't remember—I think it was close to a year / somewhere in there. In fact, the moment I took my ring off I started getting requests. My mentor suggested, “Why don't you put one of those purity rings on your finger and just keep the flies away?”—she said. [Laughter]  That was really wise counsel, and I did it. I had several months just to focus on myself. I did—I made mistakes.  11:00 I don't want it to sound like, “Oh, I did it right.” Dating was kind of messy, and you do—your heart is gaping open—and it just takes time to heal. But I had so much support. Bob: And Steve, how long for you—from the time you were divorced and you started dating? Steve: It was about a year. I had this—I made commitment to John Townsend and Henry Cloud that I would not marry the first person that was nice to me, because they knew I was hurting and they felt like I could just fall into a trap. They said, “You must commit to date 20 people before you ever decide that you've found…” Ron: What did you think when you first heard them say that? Steve: “Oh, okay. Let's see—that ought to take about five years to do that.” [Laughter] Dennis: Yes; because you had a life with your children. Steve: Yes; I did. Ron: And did you do it? Steve: I did; absolutely. Ron: And looking back, was there wisdom in it? Steve: Oh, it was so smart. And of course, I've recommended it to other people.  12:00 Misty was the third person I went out with. Bob: She had to wait through 17 more? Steve: Well— Misty: I was not a fan of that season. [Laughter] Steve: But she said, “I don't want to be a part of this, so I'm going to…” Misty: I did. I stepped out; and I said, “I know you have to do what you have to do. I can't be a part of that, so I'm just going to hang back. You go do what you have to do, and we'll see.” Steve: But what it did—and it will do for anybody—is I have no question that there is nobody out there that would ever be better for me—I've resolved all of that. I didn't rush into anything; and it provided some security for me, where I could fully, fully commit and not have one question mark in the back of my mind. Misty: And to add to that, it's not 20 romantic relationships. Steve: No, no, no. Misty: It was 20 dates—meet 20 different people—just interact and get yourself having conversations again. Bob: That didn't include a speed dating night, where you got seven out of the way; did you? [Laughter] Steve: No; but—don't tell John and Henry—but it did include standing next to somebody in Starbucks and saying, “Hey, how are you doing?” and all of that. [Laughter]  13:00 So it wasn't a full 20— Dennis: Sixty-second rule! Steve: Yes; it wasn't 20 dinners, you know. Ron: You know, the brilliance to me of that little strategy is—I don't think there's anything special about the number 20. The point is—when you were going on one, two…five…ten…fifteen…—you told yourself: “This is not going to be the one. I'm not throwing all of myself and my eggs into that basket. I have to have some discipline to measure how much I invest in this person and this relationship, because there are some other things that I have to do.” Steve: And it provided time—to do that exercise provided time.  And here was the thing—Misty is absolutely beautiful and has a great smile, and that's what I was attracted to—first time that I met her. I kind of, a year later, thought, “That'd be great if we had a date.” Then, when we dated, there was this wisdom—she's been in recovery for all this [time] / she had been in a process, and I was blown away by what was inside.  14:00 All these other people would just be other people, and I had something to compare them to—there was never any question.  But again, when somebody goes and marries—well, you know this—they have an affair with somebody, and they marry the person they have the affair with—I mean, it's just a disaster waiting to happen. Ron: —a disaster; yes. Bob: One of the things I appreciate about both of you guys is—you're authentic and transparent, and you're open about who you are. I want to know—in the time following your divorce, before you started dating, you had to come, face to face, with some parts of your own self that maybe you hadn't seen before that had to be addressed / had to be confronted.  Steve: Yes. Bob: What were those—I'm asking what those—I'm getting nosy! What were the ugly parts you found in there? Misty: [Laughter] Well, yes; it wasn't pretty.   15:00 I was married, and addiction was part of our marriage before. I was very righteous about the way that I handled that and eager to put him down—very, very hurtful. I was going through trauma. Co-dependency and trauma mirror each other a lot. My counselor suggested that maybe I'd want to go to a recovery meeting. I stepped into a 12-step group for the first time and began to see that I really do contribute to the darkness—that I am capable of great darkness. I started the process of humbling down. I would say, before I got into recovery, I lived a life very much in reaction to what someone else was doing. My whole life was defined about the other person, and where they are, and how their actions and behaviors are. I didn't have a sense of myself.   16:00 When I got into recovery, and therapy, and those things, I started to just discover “Who am I?” apart from all this chaos. I started to define what I believe / what I think about things: “What's my favorite movie?”—I couldn't even answer simple questions like that; it was all defined through what another person was doing. Steve: She did some hard work. When my therapist met with her, and then I met with her therapist, then it was revealed, “She hasn't just been sitting around, blaming all of this on this other guy.”  For me, Bob, I set out on a mission to let everybody know that I wasn't the bad guy. I talked to Dennis, Dobson—I mean, anybody I could talk to, “Yes; you know, I'm not the bad guy here.” It was in counseling that I was confronted about that. I had to come to grips with: “I was a donor here. I mean, I had contributed; and here's how—out of my insecurity, my fear, out of my disconnection— 17:00 —and, really, no experience at heart-to-heart relationship.” Boy, that was—that was tough. And then I had to begin a forgiveness process, and my pride did not want that to happen. It was a tough battle in the beginning. Ron: What's really important here is that the process of recovering well through the divorce meant looking in the mirror for you guys, which had to come to your aid when you started dating and looking forward into the future. In fact, I have a specific question for you, Misty—that may or may not be related to what you just said / I'm not sure—but in the book that you guys wrote together, The Mediterranean Love Plan, you talk about the importance of attunement with one another, as husband and wife. You say in the book that, in the face of fear, you have a tendency to lean back towards self-protection. Do you mind talking about that a little bit? Misty: Sure. Yes; I wall up. I'm very good at barricading my heart.  18:00 As a little girl, what I learned to do, when threatened, I would get bigger—I would escalate, and I would just get louder and bigger. What that earned me, with my father—whom I love and adore / he passed away about five years ago—but when I did that, what I got in return was his respect. I was one who would go, toe to toe, with him. In other relationships in my life, though, it didn't earn respect—it just kept this cycle of escalation, and I wasn't finding resolve. Ron: With your first husband, you got righteous in the light of his addiction— Misty: I got angry; I got loud; I put him down; I criticized him. Ron: Yes; you got bigger. Misty: It wasn't my problem: “I'm not the one with an addiction,”—you know—“Why do I have to go to meetings?”—just arrogant/arrogant. Ron: Yes; so that pattern continued into that relationship. Had you not done some really hard work, and been open and humble, you might have just carried that right into this marriage relationship. Misty: Right; right—yes.  19:00 It's been a good humbling down / a good practice for me to look at my own darkness. In dating / in that single-mom zone dating, I did things that I was shocked about myself. I had to start coming to grips with, “I have my own sicknesses.”  It just gave me so much compassion. In my heart—what I noticed happening—was that judgment began to really decrease. I have very little judgment for any person, because I know they are wounded / that person is suffering. They're doing the best they can in a very messy world, and it takes us however long it takes us before we find answers. For some of us, it's a really long, messy process. Bob: You've used the phrase three times——you've talked about “humbling down.” Instead of hunkering down, it's a humbling down.  Dennis: Right. Bob: And Dennis, I think if somebody's going to move to a place, where they can pursue a healthy relationship, humbling down is an essential element there. 20:00 Dennis: Yes; and really, at the heart of humbling down is being teachable—learning from God and admitting your faults, your fears, your inadequacies—and being teachable. That's really at the heart of a great marriage—people who haven't been divorced / people who are just trying to make their existing marriage go the distance. I'm thinking of Romans, Chapter 12:1 and 2, where the Apostle Paul exhorts us to surrender our lives to make our lives a living sacrifice— Ron: Right. Dennis: —yielded to God. And that's what you're describing when you talk about humbling down.  And it [Romans 12:1, 2] also talks about not being conformed to this world. We didn't get a chance to talk about it, but you guys didn't sleep together when you dated. Steve: No; we didn't; no. Dennis: I just have to say—I have a concern, within the Christian community, that our standards are more of a reflection of the world than they are of the Bible.  21:00 Steve: Yes. Dennis: We really need to protect one another in this dating relationship; and we have a lot to learn, I believe, in how Steve and Misty handled this relationship. Bob: Yes; and I would hope everybody who's listening today is either already planning to be a part of the Blended & Blessed® livestream event that's coming up on Saturday, April 21st, or if you're not planning to already, you make plans today. This is something you can do in your living room / in your local church; or if you live near Charlotte, North Carolina, you can come join us at the site where the Blended & Blessed livestream is going to be happening.  Ron Deal will be there; Steve and Misty Arterburn will be joining us—Bill Butterworth, Dr. Rick Rigsby, Michele Cushatt. There's more information at FamilyLifeToday.com. You can find out where a Blended & Blessed event is happening in a city near where you live; or you can sign up to host one of these events, again, in your home or your church.  22:00 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and plan to be a part of the 2018 Blended & Blessed one-day livestream event, coming up on Saturday, April 21st.  And if you're looking for help today, for yourself or for someone you know who is a part of a blended family, we have copies of resources that Ron Deal has created—books and articles—all available at FamilyLifeToday.com. You might want to check those out as well. Again, the website—FamilyLifeToday.com—or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you'd like to order any of the books or if you have any questions about the upcoming Blended & Blessed one-day event. Now, this weekend, we have eight FamilyLife® Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways happening from coast to coast—from Washington, DC, all the way to Seattle. Among those who will be attending this weekend will be pastors and their spouses. For years, we have scholarshiped pastors and spouses to the Weekend to Remember marriage getaway—  23:00 —we've made sure that the registration fees are covered. We've been able to do that because donors, like you, have contributed to the scholarship fund so that pastors and spouses could be at a Weekend to Remember, registration-free. I wanted to make sure you knew that so you could invite your pastor to attend a getaway, knowing that the cost is covered; but I also wanted to let you know that our scholarship fund is starting to deplete. If you'd like to help send a pastor / a couple to a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway—if you'd like to help cover the cost, you can make a contribution today to the FamilyLife Pastors' Scholarship Fund. Those funds will go directly toward covering the cost for pastors and spouses to be at a getaway. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-FL-TODAY. Make your contribution to the Pastors' Scholarship Fund, and those funds will be designated for that.  24:00 Or, if you just want to contribute to the ongoing work of FamilyLife, and the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program, you can always donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate: 1-800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word, “TODAY.” And we appreciate your generosity. Thanks for partnering with us in this ministry. And we hope you're back with us tomorrow. Ron Deal will be here, along with Steve and Misty Arterburn. We'll continue talking about being a step-parent and the challenges that go along with that. I hope you can tune in. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today.  FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru® Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.  We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?   Copyright © FamilyLife. All rights reserved. www.FamilyLife.com  

In this special show, Leh and Todd interview author and professional speaker Bill Butterworth about his book New Life After Divorce.  After 17 years of what he thought was a great marriage, he was devastated by his wife’s request for a divorce.  Not only had his personal life been turned upside down, but he was worried that it would be the end of his professional career as a highly paid speaker on marriage.  His book explains how he got through this dark time in his life and came out on the other end as a better person.  In this show, Bill shares with us his experience, wisdom, and practical advice for those who are struggling with their divorce.  

Rev. Bill Butterworth, president of Bill Butterworth Company in The Woodlands, TX, discusses the tenuous challenge of finding balance in life through the study of Jesus exhibiting balance during his time on earth. The post Balancing Life and Work appeared first on DTS Voice.

Rev. Bill Butterworth, president of Bill Butterworth Company in The Woodlands, TX, discusses the tenuous challenge of finding balance in life through the study of Jesus exhibiting balance during his time on earth. The post Balancing Life and Work appeared first on DTS Voice.

Bill Butterworth speaking. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by way and when you lie down and when you rise up. Deuteronomy 6:7 (NASB)

A Christmas classic at Bayside, Bill Butterworth speaks to us about “A Second Wind This Christmas.”

Bill Butterworth

Guest Speakers | Deuteronomy 6:4-9 | Bill Butterworth

Bill Butterworth

Bill Butterworth

Bill Butterworth

Bill Butterworth

Bill Butterworth

Bill Butterworth

Bill Butterworth

Bill Butterworth