First Baptist Church of Minneola

During a Sunday service, the pastor was teaching about patience and waiting on God. He said, “Sometimes, God's timing is perfect, even if it feels like we're waiting forever.” From the back pew, an old man grumbled loudly, “Yeah, I'm still waiting on my wife to understand that ‘waiting' part!” Historical/Cultural…

During his first sermon in Africa, a new missionary was thrilled when the whole congregation loudly said “Amen!” after everything he said. Excited by their enthusiasm, he preached passionately. Later, he learned that in the local dialect, “Amen” sounded like “What?” They weren't agreeing—they were just…

One Sunday morning, a pastor woke up and decided he just needed a break. He called in sick, told the associate pastor to cover for him, and drove out to a distant golf course where no one would recognize him. Up in heaven, an angel saw what was happening and said to God, “Are you going to let him get…

A minister is baptizing people in the river. A drunk man stumbles by, and the pastor asks, “Do you want to find Jesus?” The man says, “Sure.” The pastor dunks him in the water and asks, “Did you find Jesus?” “Nope,” the man says. So he dunks him again. “Now?” “No.” He dunks him a third time, longer this…

A young missionary was practicing baptism techniques in preparation for an upcoming service. With no one around, he decided to use a plastic bottle for practice in a nearby river. A local villager walked by, saw him dunking the bottle repeatedly, and shouted, “Pastor! If you're baptizing today, could…

One Sunday morning, Pastor Bill decided the church needed a fresh, attention-grabbing sign to draw in new visitors. He came up with a bold one: "Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back." He proudly put it up Monday morning. Later that week, an elderly lady walked in and…

A parishioner approached the minister after the Sunday service. “Preacher, I've been meaning to ask—why do we sing hymns so loudly?” The minister thought for a moment, then said, “Well, when you sing loudly, you're filling the church with joy!” The parishioner nodded, then asked, “And if I'm off-key?”…

Sunday School Teacher: “Okay, kids, what do we say when we do something wrong?” Little Brian (without blinking): “Blame Satan.” The teacher laughed, but Brian continued: “Because last time I said it was my fault, I lost tablet time. Now I just say, ‘Satan made me do it.' Mom gets mad at Satan instead.”…

Secular - A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about faith and always being ready to give an answer for what we believe. She decided to test the kids. Teacher : “Alright, kids, let's see who can answer this question. What's small, furry, has a bushy tail, and climbs trees?” The kids sat there…

I heard a joke once about a man who was stuck on his rooftop during a flood. He prayed for God's help, and soon a neighbor came by offering to help. The man waved him off, saying, ‘No thanks, I'm waiting for God!' Then came a boat, and he turned it down too. Finally, he drowned. When he met God, he said,…

Secular - A couple of guys, we'll call them John and Al, were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, “Leave us alone…

I got two stories of living in a christian life. I couldn't decide which one I liked better. 1 During Sunday school, the teacher was explaining how God created Eve from Adam's rib. A little boy, fascinated by the story, listened intently. Later that night, his mom found him lying in bed clutching his…

There was a small-town church holding a special weekend retreat, and the pastor wanted to teach a powerful lesson on faith in action. He gathered the whole group outside and announced they were going to do a trust fall exercise. He called up Brother Bob — a well-known member of the church who was always…

Reality walks into a Coffee Shop, but no one acknowledges it. It sighs and mutters, “Figures. Everyone's too busy living in their own little worlds.” Meanwhile, Perception walks in right after, and the whole place cheers. Reality groans, “Of course. Always the popular one.” There is a difference between…

Billy loved spending weekends at his Grandpa Joe's house. Grandpa was full of wisdom, stories, and—most importantly—hilarious ideas about “helping.” One Saturday morning, Billy's mom reminded him to clean his room before heading outside. Sighing, Billy trudged upstairs, but Grandpa Joe stopped him. “Don't…

In a small village, there was a man widely regarded as the village fool. He would stand at the market every day, and people would offer him two coins: one was large and made of cheap metal, and the other was tiny but made of gold. Every time, the fool would take the large coin. One day, a curious boy…

A man was sitting on a park bench, deep in thought, when a bird landed near him. The bird looked at him and said, “Why the long face?” The man sighed. “I'm trying to figure out what freedom really means.” The bird tilted its head and chirped, “Freedom is simple! Look at me. I can fly wherever I want,…

A woman walks into a department store and spots a sleek, shiny thermos on display. Curious, she asks the salesperson, “What's that shiny thing?” The salesperson smiles and says, “That's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The woman is amazed. “Wow! That's incredible! I'll take it.”…

A missionary couple had just arrived in a remote village deep in the jungle. Determined to make a good impression, they brought gifts and supplies and set up a small church to spread their message. One of the first challenges they faced was the language barrier. The villagers spoke a dialect that the…

A man is driving through the countryside when his car breaks down near a monastery. He walks to the door, knocks, and a monk answers. The man explains his situation, and the monk invites him in, offering a warm meal and a place to stay for the night. As the man lies down to sleep, he hears a strange,…

A minister was walking down the street when he noticed a small boy sitting on the curb, looking very sad. He walked over and asked, “What's the matter, son?” The boy looked up and said, “I don't have any friends. Nobody will play with me.” The minister, always wanting to help, knelt down and said, “Don't…

Secular - A pair of missionaries arrived in a distant village determined to share the gospel. The villagers were known for their hospitality, so the missionaries were invited to dinner with the village chief. During the meal, the chief asked, “What brings you here?” One missionary said, “We've come to…

A man was walking down the street when he saw a sign outside a small shop that read: "God's Will Repair Services." Curious, he walked in and found an elderly man tinkering with an old clock. “Excuse me,” the man said, “what exactly do you repair here?” The old man smiled and replied, “Oh, anything that's…

A teacher asks her students, “Who do you think God is?” One kid says, “God is a super old man with a big beard who sits on a cloud!” Another pipes up, “No, God is like a superhero—faster than light, stronger than anything, and invisible!” A third kid smirks and says, “Nah, God's definitely my mom. She…

One Sunday morning, a man named Bob walks into church for the first time in, oh, about 20 years. He's feeling inspired, ready to turn over a new leaf, and is practically glowing as he takes a seat. But as soon as he sits down, he notices that he's seated in the quietest section of the church. Everyone…

Secular - A man says, “God, I want to follow Your plan. Just tell me what it is.” God replies, “First, I want you to stop procrastinating.” The man says, “Oh, I can totally start that… tomorrow.” A man was going through a rough time, so he decided to have a heart-to-heart with God. Man: “God, I'm doing…

Secular - A young boy asked his mother why she talks to God when she prays. She replied that it's like having a conversation with the best friend she can always rely on. The boy, eager to understand, asked if God talks back. Mom chuckled and said sometimes He whispers in our hearts or nudges us to do…

Secular - A pastor was known for his powerful sermons, but one day he decided to try something new to engage his congregation. He announced that next Sunday, he would preach while standing on his head! The church was buzzing with curiosity. The day finally arrived, and as the pastor stood on the pulpit,…

A church was debating what color to paint the church building. One group passionately wanted white, while another was equally passionate about painting it blue. After several heated discussions, they finally decided to settle it with a vote. In the end, white won by a narrow margin. The next Sunday,…

A man was hired to paint a church, but to save money, he thinned the paint with water. After finishing the job, a big storm came and washed all the paint away. The man, feeling guilty, knelt down and prayed, “Lord, forgive me! What should I do?” A voice from heaven boomed, “Repaint! And thin no more!”…

A mother had difficulty getting her son to get up in the morning and go to Church. When he finally woke up, he told his mother he didn't want to go to Church. His mother said, i will give you three reasons why you need to get up and go to Church. It's Sunday. You are 35 years old. You're the Pastor.…

Secular - A priest and a baptist are in a car crash and it's pretty bad. Both of their cars are totaled but neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the baptist says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a baptist preacher. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left…

Secular - Some Box Puns: When a person is putting a box together, they use tape and stick to the job. When a person is unpacking a box, the stuff gets injured because it's laid out after being boxed earlier. Boxes aren't good at poker because the cardboard folds easily. The person taping a box together…

A Child's Wisdom "A little girl was sitting on her grandfather s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make…

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail…

What events could cause a man to go to his death willingly, not just willingly buy joyfully. It is the events of the Gospel that can change a person to do this. It is the power of the Gospel that changes people inside and out. Such is the story of Ignatius. Ignatius was condemned to death because he…

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology. The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was very confused…

I've got a joke today about 3 kingdoms and mathematics. A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor,…

A wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. The funeral director says, "Sir, it is going to cost about $4,500 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem." Husband: "Ship her home." Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can…

A man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j- joooob-b.” “I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,” said the owner. “I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkids, iiii-I re-really…

Mom No. 1: How do you get your sleepy-head son up in the morning? Mom No. 2: I just put the cat on the bed. Mom No. 1: How does that help? Mom No. 2: The dog's already there. Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants? Dad: No. Son: Then it's a good thing Mom…

A man and woman thought they needed to go to couples counseling because, while they had a strong marriage, there was just one thing that drove the wife crazy. So they get in the car and get to the office and the first thing the counselor says, “So, what brought you here today?” The wife immediately speaks…

Here are some funny things that were found on church signs: Don't let worries kill you, let the church help. The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers. Honk if you love Jesus. Text and drive if you want to meet Him. Historical/Cultural…

Secular - The Title today is Serving Jesus, Even If We Fail. The Following story is about a judge who failed. A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I…

A thief breaks into a house at around 3 AM. As he's walking about in the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice whisper, *"Jesus is watching you!"* Startled, he points his flashlight towards the source of the voice. In the corner of the room, there's a birdcage with a parrot in it. The thief breathes…

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything…

Secular - Today is about promises, so let me tell you a story about a balloonist who is about to break his promise. A hot air balloonist got blown way off course. Realizing how lost he was he decided to lower altitude to see if he could get some help from someone on the ground. He saw a large wilderness…