Sorry Not in Service

    Gordano!   Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do, about you now Back beat, the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before But you never really had a doubt I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now And all the roads we have to walk are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I Would like to say to you but I don't know how Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you're my latest Sorry Not in Service podcast etc and so on...

Gordano!   Welcome you hoary old dogs to this extra special Sorry Not in Service podcast. 'Why so special?' We hear you splutter as you finish off your 4th pint of beefshake. Well, it features not one, not two, but TWO of your regular presenters PLUS the extraordinary comic stylings of our brother Richard. He really is a #ultramegadude and a mean compiler of all things.   We discuss Richard's Top 5, his advice for Simon about child rearing, and our memories of Richard's yute/yoot/yout (delete as correct). We also neatly put the PodPodCageCage feature to bed.   Some might call this the most self indulgent Sorry Not in Service ever, but they would be fools to do so because they are doofuses. You wouldn't want to be a doofus now would you?   Gordano!

Gordano!   Dear competition winner. You have been selected ENTIRELY AT RANDOM to receive a complimentary Sorry Not in Service podcast. It is both lightweight and Ab enhancing. Furthermore, for ease of use you can listen to it using your ears.   All that we ask from you in return is that you are kind about us to your friends and kin, and overlook the poor audio quality / poor audio found within. One of us was ill and the other was in a funk. See if you can work out which was which.   In many ways it was the perfect level of incompetence and disinterest in our listeners to mark our 100th podcast.   Gordano!

Gordano!   Person A: 'Fancy meeting you here, you're looking well. Have you had a nose job?'    Person A: 'I thought so.'   Person A: 'Yes, Dr Dexter is a marvel with a scalpel isn't he? Anyway, must dash, I've got a baked potato in the oven and it won't butter, cheese, tuna mayo and side salad itself now will it?'   Person A: 'Actually, just before I pop off can I give you the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast? It's Podcast 3 (see title) and is 42 minutes long. Yes you're right, that IS one minute less cumbersome than a PodCage podcast. It's got a dog, an Audio Pictionary competition, Will not being drunk and some admin in it. It really is the full ticket.'   Person A: 'What's that?'   Person A: 'You'll treasure it forever?'   Person A: 'That's right, you will.'   Person A: 'Now bugger off.'   Corpse A: *continued reverential silence*   Gordano!

Gordano!   Check you out with your internet connection. Ooooh la-di-daa, aren't you just Lord/Lady Muck with your cutting edge technology? Well Lord/Lady Muck, we are your humble servants and will bow and scrape to you and your every whim.   Speaking of which, that whim you had to download and listen to a nice fresh Sorry Not in Service podcast has been fulfilled. Here it is!    In this one, Simon has doubled his initial outlay on the home studio in an effort to improve the audio quality, with the inevitable consequences (it is worse). Will tells us about his Darty Party, we review PodCage in PodPodCageCage and we hear from the voice of reason, Tooty Baghorn.   All in all, it's 59 minutes of your life that you won't get back. Like every other minute you've ever had.   Gordano!

Gordano!   Look! It's shiny! It's new! It's a 10radio-less Sorry Not in Service podcast!   Actually, on closer inspection - while it is a 10radio-less Sorry Not in Service podcast, and it is new, maybe we're over selling it's shininess. It's a dull coloured, slightly scraggy, rough at the edges podcast with poor quality audio equipment and two flailing hosts trying to make sense of their surroundings and having an existential crisis with bells on.   But fear not! There are no bears in your bathroom and the content of the podcast is still just about palatable.   Just like the world, it will get better. Or fizzle out, just like the world.   Gordano!

Gordano!   Well butter my sandwiches if it isn't the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast*   In this one we make an announcement, discuss our beloved Queen's strong arm, botch the weather, eat some food stuffs and bugger the Varmints ('s start of their show).   It's jam packed. Much like our sandwiches.   To listen to the more bloated version of the show with all the pop music in it, go to mixcloud.com   Gordano!   * it is

Gordano!   Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.    That’s right, it’s the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast, resplendent in jewels and smelling of polos. In this one, we get historical, drunk, arrogant, challenged, visited by a generous benefactor and keen for exoneration from an infant.   If you'd like to hear the version with the pop music, go to mixcloud.com. For the secret to everlasting beetroot, go to sorrynotinservice.com   Gordano!

Gordano! We wish you would stop doing that, we wish you would stop doing that, we wish you would stop doing that, it won't bring the party alive. That's right one and all, it's YET ANOTHER placeholder podcast. The boy is wonderful but time consuming so rather than broadcast live on Friday 23rd, Simon and Will absconded from helping the family do the washing up on Christmas evening and recorded this podcast in Will's former chamber. We'll be back on the radio soon, we promise/assume. Gordano!

Gordano!   Make no bones about it, this is a podcast. So how would you even do that? Now that we're all in agreement, welcome to the Sorry Not in Service podcast and it's the return of the original lineup! That's right, Simon and Will back in the studio for the first time in two months for one last pay cheque.   In this one, we discuss the biggest things that have happened to us in the months since our last show. For Will it was a caravanning holiday and buying some jumpers, for Simon it was finding himself in a situation where the amount of credit that a financial services provider might offer him is lowered because he now has to tick the box 'do you have any dependants?' on application forms.   Much radio ensued and was then smeared all over the internet.   For the version with the pop music, go to mixcloud.com. For twenty £, go to a reverse charity event.   Gordano!

Gordano!   Fear not dear listener, we haven't named the podcast 'Send Them Back' because we've boarded the far right choo choo train The Politics of 2016 Oblivion Express. No, it's merely in reference to a comment made during this podcast about returning your first born child from whence it came, because it turns out not to be as much fun as you'd hoped.   But fear not dear listener, because Simon is yet to make his mind up on that front. His attention sapping first born has merely created an enforced absence from his true love, radio broadcasting and so this is another placeholder podcast (#2).   But fear not dear listener, for we will return for a proper show and podcast on the 9th December.   Gordano!

Gordano!   Welcome along dearest listener (you are the dearest one to us, don't let on to the others though - they are very needy people).   The responsibility enforced hiatus is half over! That's right, while Simon is still coming to terms with the fact he can no longer spend his weekends and week day nights splayed on the sofa watching Challenge TV, William is available and has stepped up to the plate and then deposited something on the plate*   Simon may be back for the next one, depending on how time consuming parenthood is. We can report that he pleasantly surprised to learn that he still has time to edit a podcast and write this introduction to it. Quick tip for other new parents, cupboards are excellent, money saving alternatives to child minders.   So make love, one and all!   Gordano!   * The plate in this metaphor is 10radio and the item deposited on it is a radio show, latterly turned into this podcast.

Gordano! Due to childbirth based circumstances there was no Sorry Not in Service broadcast on the 28th October. But because we have a keen grasp of where our priorities lie, that was not going to stop us recording a place-holder podcast (this podcast) It's not immediately clear when we'll be back to our normal schedule but just know this: you dear listener are our number one priority and nothing will get in the way of you and your need for entertainment. We'll ask you to think about that when Simon's marriage falls apart and he is estranged from his child because of you and your demands. Gordano!

Gordano! And may the Lord be your salvation. Also, here's the very first Sorry Not in Service podcast of November 2016, not only that but it's got a special guest host, not only that but it's a Carnivorrrr special! That's right, it just keeps getting better and better. You are well within your rights to be salivating as much as you are. Best get listening before you get forcibly removed from the internet computer booths at the library. To hear the version of the show with all of the Carnivorrrrr songs on it, go to mixcloud.com. To buy your physical or imaginary copy of Carnivorrrr's second album go to carnivorrrr.bandcamp.com. To receive your OBE for services to sultanas, go to carnivorrrr.bandcamp.com Gordano!

Gordano! Welcome to the podcast that The Times of London has described as ‘a seminal piece of work, a bit like the Jesus story crossed with something else that is really cool - a must listen. xxx’ Moreover, the Queen is now confirmed as a subscriber and if hearsay is to be believed, HearSay are also keen. Lead singer Clive Dugdale was recently seen falling out of a popular Folkestone nightspot whilst listening to said podcast. So it really is very good. In this one, we get our debate on again and receive e-mails sent from an iPhone! We also learn about self control, Will’s latest attempts to get fired from Sainsbury’s and have a grape thrown at a mouth. If you’d like to hear the version that has the pop music on it, go to mixcloud.com. To book you place on the ‘How to Be As Attractive as Prunella Scales’ seminar, go to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano! Welcome to the all new rebranded Sorry Not in Service! From here on in we are going to be your all time favourite Missy Elliott themed podcast, providing you with all the latest news and stats regarding the hit rapstress. As a special bonus to you, here’s a stat for free: Missy Elliott is NOT Elliott Smith’s niece. Pop that in your scrap book and smoke it. A few other things to pop in your scrap book (before or after the inferno) is our brand new feature Birds or Bridges, and all the other new stuff in our super special rebranded show (e.g. the new theme tune). For your chance to win death bed redemption, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano!  A short play about the NHS: Patient: Doctor doctor! I feel like a microwave! Doctor: Oh for FFS sake! Stop wasting my time with these absurd complaints. I’m sick of it. I genuinely had someone in earlier telling me they felt like a pair of curtains. It took all my inner strength not to stab them in the eyes with this scalpel. Get out! Patient leaves through window Doctor presses intercom Doctor: Miriam, can you cancel the rest of my appointments please and get me a brandy, doc’s got one of his migraines coming. Oh, and while you’re in the secret cupboard, could you fetch me the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast please? I need to feel better about myself. Thanks Miriam. Scene. If you’d like to feel less like a washed up old bag of post-it notes and more like the good doctor above (or indeed her very attractive assistant Miriam) then you've done the right thing by downloading this podcast, to listen to the version with the pop music on then go here. To print off your very own hang gliding proficiency certificate, then go to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano! 48 year old male with GSOB (good sense of Beef) would like to meet an person for fishing trips, religious awakenings, car park scuffles, bad ideas for wet weekends and maybe more/less. Also, a real deal breaker for me would be an interest in the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast. Must be keen on birthday presents for others, throwaway and potentially regrettable mentions of atrocities, mossy bottoms and misc content. If interested in meeting me, go to iTunes or sorrynotinservice.podbean.com. If after our first date you fancy seeing more of me then go to mixcloud.com. If you’re REALLY in to me, and would like to see me with my kit off, fully exposed and ready for action, go to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano! Person A: Please may I have a bar of Snickers please? Person B: Certainly Person A: How much is it? Person B: 60p Person A: That seems a little steep Person B: It is what it is, if you want them cheaper then you're probably better served going to a large supermarket chain who have the buying power to bring in stock for a much cheaper rate and pass that on to the customer. Sure, it's less money but all you're really doing is lining the pockets of big business and somewhere along the way, someone will be feeling the pinch. Buy it here and you're boosting the local economy. The admittedly higher mark up in my shop will be reinvested in the community in one way or another be it the staff I employ or the local man who cleans my windows. Person A: Makes sense, I'll do my best. Trouble is, I don't have 60p. All I have is 34p and this Sorry Not in Service podcast. Person B: I'll take the podcast and you can have as many Snickers as you want. That podcast is flipping ace. It's got What's Tom Up To Tom on it from off of the smash podcast PodCage. Person A: Seems like a fair deal, I've also got the version with the pop music on it from mixcloud.com Person B: You can have my daughter as well if you give me that. Person C: Sorry, couldn't help overhearing. Why do you keep the Snickers behind the counter? Scene Gordano!

Gordano! Welcome along you jerk. You feckless idiot, you bum note, you dreadful nectarine. Look at you, you’re a disgrace and I never want to see you again. Only joking! You’re great and can I have a pint of lemonade please? Tell you what, I’ll swap you a pint of lemonade for the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast. It’s the height of summer so the hosts are in a dreadful state and wearing down the exclamation mark that sits atop the self destruct button. That said, there’s crowd pleasers such as football, pink hotels and sitting in disused boats so it’s not all bad. If you’d like to hear the version with all pop music and that, go to mixcloud.com. If you’d like to sleep with hedgehogs in a biblical sense, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! How delightful to see you! You're looking like a billion dollars! That suit is spectacular, your shoes are dynamite and you hair smells ultra wicked. You're the full package, and I love you. Now, we need to talk about this whole gross misconduct situation. Before we do though, let's listen to the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast. It's all attractive as you are. It's got anti terrorism, pro TV guides, VERY pro hedge trimming tales and VERY BIG pro hair and beauty tips on it. So, we'll do that and then we'll fire you. To listen to the show with all the pop music, doff your cap to mixcloud.com. To win the chance to tickle a vicar, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! Have you got your voting card with you? Thank you… Oh. You know it’s not appropriate to scrawl your voting intentions in blood all over the card don’t you? Also, I don’t think there’s an option to vote for ‘My Trousers Will Be Your Redemption’. All things considered, you’ve botched voting. Let’s hope the rest of the country doesn’t. Just in case they do, here’s the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast which should offer some light relief. It’s got very few references to any kind of EU referendum, a smattering of baby chat, advice from Will about public confrontations, a couple of snippets about the referendum, household maintenance tips, a bit on the EU vote and two mentions of terrible vengeance. Put simply, it’s a two hour radio broadcast, edited together in the early hours of the morning and uploaded to the internet on a Saturday. To listen to the version of the show that contains the pop music, wend your merry way to mixcloud.com. To have your chin tickled by a robotic Luther Vandross, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! You again? Didn't we make it perfectly clear last time that you're not welcome? We didn't? We were very polite and made you feel perfectly at ease? Oh dear. Well in that case come in, leave your scythe at the door and we'll just try to forget about all the unpleasantness from the first two sentences. Just mind that you don't interfere with the cat again. If it will help to smooth things over further, here's the latest podcast from Sorry Not in Service (us). Not only is it incredibly arrogant to force this upon you, but it's also full to the brim of exciting announcements, fearful denouncements, a welcome return by What's Tom Up To Tom, the death of some creatures and other content padding out an allotted time slot on a radio station. To stream the version with all the pop music, go to mixcloud.com. To learn how to make your hair sentient, go to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano! Oi! You! Get the hump out of my garden! I don't care if you're from the council, you shouldn't be doing that. It's not right. I couldn't give a monkeys if it's tradition. If I've told you once, I've told you a million billion times, those Fuchsias are not for you to weave into pants. If you need something to mask your indecency in public then might I suggest this Sorry Not in Service podcast. It's got great big tales of William's trips to the coast that will act as a gusset, it's got super soft information about spider management that is kind to your skin, and a wonderfully absorbent re-enactment of the battle of Agincourt that will cover up your inevitable mis-haps. Pop it on and know me better man. If you'd prefer some larger, more unwieldy audio underwear then go to mixcloud.com to listen to the show with all the pop music on it. Or go to sorrynotinservice.com to download some full length long-johns. Gordano!

Gordano! Your majesty, we are delighted that you've chosen to download our podcast. Truly this is an honour. Or at least it would be of you'd deigned to have downloaded it fully clothed. Really madam show some flipping respect. Now our anger and your nudity has subsided, let's get down to business. In this MEGA podcast, we talk leaving jobs in a ham fisted fashion, deliver the latest pop news, pass on the secret to driving test success and wrestle a pigeon to the floor before teaching it how to apply for a credit card. There are other things too, but thats your job to find out what they are. To hear the feature length broadcast with all the dreadful pop music on it's head, go to mixcloud.com. To find out where we've hidden your car keys, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! Here's a bit of psychological horse play to kick things off: Quickly re-arrange the following words into a sentence:  Have floundering beef blunder grand flippers of an to horse cauliflower phonebox so can drubbing. Well isn't that revealing? We always thought you were a dangerous person with an unhealthy grudge against the clergy and/or logging companies. Delve further into the results and it turns out that deep within your mind hole you are desperate for the latest podcast from Sorry Not in Service. Well isn't this your lucky day? Yes is the answer to that question. In this show, there a tale from NOT A RACIST about his NOT INFIDELITY LADEN trip to Ireland, news of what he left behind, Will's recent interaction with children on bikes, dead dogs and Rob and loads of other things that you will hear if you've got the guts. To listen to the version with the pop music on it go to mixcloud.com. For a full system flush, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! Wow. Just wow. That hat of yours really suits you. Not in a ‘that looks good’ way, more in the sense that it really suits your personality. That is to say, you’re very brave wearing a hat made of moss and stoat carcass.  Here’s something else that would suit you and your lifestyle: IT’S THE SORRY NOT IN SERVICE PODCAST. It’s light as a feather and you won’t even feel it go in. Highlights of the highlights of broadcasting’s lowlights include: Coral singing Shopping lists Career choices TV listings Mackerel The closing theme If you’d like to hear the fuller version with all the pop music casually left in, go to mixcloud.com. For the coolest designs for dog tattoos, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! A question for you: Where the hell do you get off? I mean really, you turn up here all disheveled with your bobs and your bits hanging out. You clearly haven't showered for weeks, your clothes have swears written all over them and your breath smells of iron ore. You're a disgrace. That said, you are slap bang in the middle of the Sorry Not in Service demographic so you have at least come to the right place. Here is the podcast of that self same show (see words 12-15 of this paragraph) that went out on the Crumpteenth of Bloatember Fourteen Angsty Flounce. It's got all sorts on it, including: catchprases! tv listings! familial reparations! botched human interactions! pub! and misc! If you'd like to listen to the version that has the pop music on it, go to mixcloud.com. For a list of all the numbers that exist, go to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano! Imagine the scene: you're wearing a hat, and then an Ostrich bites your index finger. Not very nice is it? Well quit breaking into Ostrich farms with hats on and these things will stop being of any concern to you. Other things that you can stop worrying about is where you're going to get your next Sorry Not in Service podcast from (it's here). It's got some big questions, some big erotic house inspections, some big respect for mothers and an opportunity to win free mental health assistance. Make no bones about it, it is a radio broadcast converted into an electronic format and then uploaded onto the Internet in two formats. To hear the version that has all the music on it (which is VERY French boogie heavy), go to this mixcloud.com. If you'd like a doctorate in Jenga then grow up. Gordano!

Gordano! Oh my OMG! It's YOU again! We haven't seen you since you did that 24 hours sponsored fistfightathon. You were such an aggressive judge that day. Good to see you in more sanguine mood. In an effort to keep you chipper, here's the Sorry Not in Service show from xxxxxxxx (pick a date, it really doesn't matter).  This one's a tour de France! We've got social mis-steps, a gradual takeover of mainland Europe (careful now), a touching but also incredibly dis-tasteful eulogy, an enormous Pelican, the adventures of Will and his friend Norbert and blah blah blah, yadda, yadda, so on and so forth.... Just listen to it and write your own list of what's included. To listen to the version with all the pop music on it, go to mixcloud.com. If you'd like to see exclusive up-trouser shots of Ian Woosnam, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano!Congratulations on your purchase. That is a spectacular pair of stockings. Why not compliment them with a listen to the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast? You're too busy? Nonsense. Hunker down and have a listen. This one is busy as HECK, the ace pop starlet Carnivorrrr (carnivorrrr.bandcamp.com) is in the studio playing songs from his forthcoming second album, we have an audience of 5 specially invited guests who won our competition AND there is an election of sorts.So with all that in mind, we're sure you'll agree that the emergency tracheotomy can wait and that pressing play is the best course of action.If you'd like to hear the version with all the non Carnivorrrr music on it, then go to mixcloud.com. For gift ideas for Pancake day, go to sorrynotinservice.com.Gordano! 

Gordano! My goodness me, that clothes really looks good on you. Might I suggest a slight alteration? No? OK, suit yourself (sort of a joke if you squint at it). Now the hilarity has subsided, welcome to the Sorry Not in Service podcast from a bit of the past. You will be delighted to know that it is the following things: Genuinely the best bits Shorter than normal Fully upholstered Breathable  Made entirely of technology For the longer format (WHICH INCLUDES POP MUSIC) go to mixcloud.com. To learn about etiquette when talking to an Earl, go to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano!It's good to see someone is sticking to their new year's resolution of being devilishly handsome and less of a . Well done, keep it up.In the spirit of being less of a we'd like to present you with this, the first podcast of twenty6teen from Sorry Not in Service. Innit (in it) you will find plenty of anecdotes that could land us in hot water should they fall into the wrong hands, dentists, SPORT!, live draws, and shaming (see title, picture and content).More than enough content there to distract you from falling back into the 2015 persona that marked you out as a complete .To listen to the long form version of the show with all the pop music onnit (on it) go to mixcloud.com. For scale drawings of Monty Don's rippling biceps, go to sorrynotinservice.com.Gordano!

Gord crispus Day! No?Quick! Open it! Open it! You are going to be so pumped when you open it! Do you want me to help? OK, OK, i'm just really excited to see your face when you open it! Well, what do you think? Oh. No, I sort of understand. I'm sorry. It felt like a good idea. No, there is no receipt, I got it from an alley man.Well maybe this will make things better - it's the podcast of the Sorry Not in Service crispus special, broadcast on the crispus day! It has swearing, and live music and presents, and anecdotes and words, and enough bonhomie to sink a ship and kill 17 sailors.If you want, you can listen to the show with all the pop music on it at mixcloud.com, or you could find out whether Jesus preferred eggs or Golden Grahams for breakfast at sorrynotinservice.comIs that better? Good. Can I have my change now please?Gordano!

Gordano!Saddle up your Donkey (having first resuscitated it), we're going on a Sorry Not in Service ride.There is all sorts to enjoy: enough vitamin D to cure what ails you, tales of parties and dentists, a study of why Will is good at his job, horoscopes, OMEGA 5! Two scripted bits, and other dialogue, all converted into an audio format suitable for uploading and then subsequently downloading from an internet, and put in your face.To listen to a longer version of this thing eye eee with all the pop music on it, go to mixcloud.com. For a comprehensive report on your failures, speak to the HR department.Gordano!www.sorrynotinservice.comwww.justgiving.com/sorrynotinservice

Gordano!Thank goodness you're here. You have no idea how pleased we are to see you. I'm sorry that it was such a late phone call and I know you were busy with the Christening, but these shoe laces won't tie themselves. Oooh, while you're here, get your listening tackle around the latest Sorry Not in Service broadcast. It's got the usual ACE hosts on it PLUS a lean, mean gestation machine. That right, our mother, the wonderful Jo Lea is/was in the studio, regaling us with tales of how we became so cool, how clever and handsome we are and why all the other mothers are such losers. There is also a section from the Mother's Guide to First Aid.Furthermore, news of an exciting competition linked to our charity crispus album which can be got here: justgiving.com/sorrynotinservice.For the version of this thing with the pop music, go to mixcloud.com. For advice on what to do and say when confronted with a monster, go to sorrynotinservice.com.Gordano!

Gordano! I'm not even joking anymore, you really need to stop calling. Your voice is stupid and your use of the phrase 'i've got me fluster on' is really getting on my wick. So for the last time, which emergency service do you require? Police? Fine. Before I put you through, I must tell you about the latest broadcast from Sorry Not in Service. It's got A BRAND NEW AND EXCITING REGULAR FEATURE ON IT, some body parts, hot science and actual dogs. Along with the above there is also A CHANGE TO THE PROCESS OF ORDERING THE SOON TO BE No.1 CRISPUS ALBUM. BRACKETS JUSTGIVING.COM/SORRYNOTINSERVICE END BRACKETS. Sorry, fell asleep on the caps lock there. To hear the bulbous version with the pop music on it, go to mixcloud.com. To learn how to make cup a soups in just an afternoon, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! At no point did we say this was a fancy dress event. Oh. Well this is awkward. Tell you what, why don't you pop those clothes off and then sit down for dinner. Fancy dress or no fancy dress, it is quite off-putting. Now that we're all singing from the same hymn sheet, welcome along to the Sorry Not in Service show that was broadcast on the such and such of so and so, 2015. It's a hum dinger and no mistakin'. As the title suggests, we're joined on the show by the incredible man who tells you what he is up to, and his wonderful lady chum partner who can see what he's up to, and doesn't seem to mind. Learn all about Tom and his past, his relationship with Simon and the films that were until recently on at the cinema that he works in. Not only that but you can hear all about our exciting new charity record. Go to sorrynotinservice.bandcamp.com for details. For the feature length version, go to mixcloud.com. For a roll of marzipan, go to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano! If I've told you once, then I've told you a million billion quadrillion times - You look rough this morning your honour. Now, here's the thing: Due to forces beyond our control (not the police force*) this show, broadcast on the 16th October 2015, has a slightly wonkier than normal feel to it as William was not in the studio but on the other end of a telephone line. A telephone line that played merry hell with the audio output. Unperturbed, we ploughed on, reasoning that the majority of the content we throw your way is of such a poor quality anyway that the migraine inducing buzzing, clicking and volume inconsistencies really wouldn't make things too much worse. To hear the version with the music on it (innit) then go to mixcloud.com. And don't forget to register your delight at the news that Bobby Ball is to be the new Prime Minister of Equatorial Guinea at www.sorrynotinservice.com Gordano! * Old Trev & Simon joke (ask your parents)

Gordano! What the hell is that on your face? I'm serious, get it off at once. This is a WH Smiths, not a knocking shop. Pleasantries aside, welcome to the Sorry Not in Service show broadcast to you, the public on the blah blah blah of so and so. Within it (Winnit) is the usual waffle and dorb plus some actual Polish language, Will's adventures with water, a link that got totally out of hand and some much needed advertising for a supermarket. It's like rubbing gravel in your ears but in a good way (is there any other?). To hear the above but with that appalling pop music, you can go to mixcloud.com. If you'd like to find out where the police are hiding your curling tongs then go to www.sorrrynotinservice.com (but make sure you spell sorry with only 2 'r's in it). Gordano

Gordano! Where have you been hiding all my life? Seriously, I think you're fit. Welcome along to the Sorry Not in Service podcast of the show that was broadcast on the 18th September in a year. This show is probably our most sensual yet - it's all kiss this, and kiss that and then kiss that again. It's also got rude words and names of body parts in it too.  in the interests of safety, it is probably best to don a sheath before listening. Aside from that, the show also had some other things on it which if you listen to it, you will hear. It's as simple as that. If you'd like to hear the show with the music all over it, then we must insist that you go to mixcloud.com. Oh, and go to sorrynotinservice.com for your cut out and keep guide to Oswestry.  Gordano!

Gordano!And don't worry about not having an invite, you look enough like him not to arouse suspicion and we're sure you'll make a lovely couple anyway.Now, on to business. Simon (from off of Sorry Not in Service) clambered aboard Alice, 10Radio's outside broadcasting van at the Wiveliscombe Street Fair and done an hour all by himself. Regular listener's will be delighted to hear that Barry & Dr Colin were interviewed on air, irregular listeners will be baffled by this turn of events as Simon fails to give even a basic explanation as to who they are.Aside form this, there's news of forthcoming (although you've missed them now) events at the 10 Parishes Festival, a man with a beef and some biscuits.You couldn't/shouldn't ask for more.Gordano!

Gordano! Make yourself comfortable and then wipe up after yourself. Here’s the broadcast that the ace team from Sorry Not in Service has done (in the past). There is all sorts going on: A phone call, a language problem, customer service, Cornwall and grubby content. If the Queen dug podcasts then she would definitely dug this one the most. Make no bones about it, while this is an hour of your life you will never get back, it is also an hour of your life that you wouldn’t even want back anyway so everyone is a winner. To listen to the show with the music on it, go to mixcloud.com. To find out what you would look like if you had Martin Bashir’s body then go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! And what a sight you are, all togged up to the nines. You really do scrub up well. That said, I’m not convinced the drawing on your face of Fred Durst is entirely appropriate for a funeral. Still, who are we to judge? And speaking of Fred Durst, here is the podcast of the Sorry Not in Service show that went out on the 21st Aug 20FIFTEEN. It was Simon’s birthday the day before, so merriment is in the air. Also in the air, is a Caravan countdown, more correspondence from Tooty Baghorn, Will’s singing tales, Fly swatting and some very special news about a very special Bovine beauty. It’s literally a show that could be described as a radio broadcast uploaded to the internet. To listen to the fuller version of the show with the pop music still loitering around, go to mixcloud.com. If you need your inside leg measured, then pop over to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano!Slightly misleading title perhaps. Regardless (and it's probably time for you to stop banging on about it) here is the podcast of the Sorry Not in Service show originally broadcast on the day that it was, near the year it was in too.It has got all sorts of essential ingredients in it (innit) including the discovery of some ancient artefacts, anecdotes that perhaps shouldn't have been told, Will's shorter and curlies and so So SO much more (hyperbole).If you'd like to hear the full length version of the show, then pop your little rear end to mixcloud.com. If you need to know how to rid your house of the stoats that seem to have made themselves at home recently, go to www.sorrynotinservice.comGordano!

Gordano!Well, well, well, haven't you grown? You must be what, 6 foot now? A six footer! Many congratulations your majesty.Formalities aside, welcome to the podcast version of the show broadcast on a date in the past. Enclosed, you will find not only the horoscopes, an American, an What's Tom Up To Tom, and an events guide but ALSO (we can't state that enough) a new man in our lives, Will's guide to finding Alex on Cothlestone Hill, Simon's future daughter, and a brand new potentially ruinous way to live your life. You're V* Welcome. *Very.So hold hands with a loved one (having asked their permission before dong so) and enjoy the thing that this purports to be.For the music laden version of this, head to mixcloud.com. For a cut out and keep guide on how to become the Right Honourable Member of Parliament for Bridlington, go to sorrynotinservice.com.Gordano!

Gordano! Are your trousers on firmly? Yes? Jolly good. Then we'll begin. Welcome to the edited 'highlights' of the show broadcast on the on 10Radio. It was well hot and stuffy in the studio but you'd do well to notice it having a negative effect on the hosts as we investigated how to engage with work experience children, how to engage with salesman at a trade show, how to engage with your future and how to engage with the police. It's a very engaging show. GUFFAW! If you'd like to listen to the feature length version of the show with all the music, point your ears toward mixcloud.com. If you need advice on how to patch up a hole in your undercrackers when all you have in the house is an old cat, then go to sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano!Welcome to the podcast. Come on in, make yourself at home. Oh, you have. Well, we don't tend to do THAT at home. Not fully clothed anyway. OK, well I suppose variety is the spice of life.Now that you’ve made yourself comfortable (again, it’s fine, I just wish you’d warned us first) have yourself a listen to the Sorry Not in Service show, let loose on June the 21 in 20 fifteen.There are tales from a Druid fest, a taste test, rhymes, events, grubby Hanx and the usual Barry Somers that you’ve all come to expect.In the words of Angela Rippon: ‘It is jeffing ace, you massive prick’.If you’d like to get your grubby little ears on the version of this show that's got all pop music in it, then go to mixcloud. For tips on how to fast track Aunt Helga’s inheritance money arriving, then go to sorrynotinservice.com.Gordano!

Gordano! Hands up if you like hearing radio show hosts skirting dangerously close to indecency, in a vain attempt to keep people from turning the radio off and watching TFI Friday instead? All of you? Well, that is indeed gratifying. Good to know we're on the right track. Enclosed (just pretend the internet is a sort of content envelope) are the highlights of the program broadcast on the 12th June 2015. In it (innit) we celebrate Jurassic Park day, fill up your events calendar for the next fortnight, chat about certain fluids (a little to early in the show) and discover the link between Kiwi cricketers and all pop songs. To get yo hands on the pop music heavy version of the show, then move your cursor to mixcloud.com. Also, if you want to know what structural engineers look like in the buff, go to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!

Gordano! And welcome one and all, to this, the podcast of a thing that happened on a night in a town.  This show was full to the brim with tales of adventure from the thinking man's Alan Whicker, as William 'they call me The Travelator' Lea returned from his holidays in Morocco. From the language barrier, via the drunken arrival, all the way to the mis-direction to a place he didn't want to go to, you will hear all about how he made the visit such a success. There are also Reverse Hitlers too. To get your sound holes (ears (clearly)) around a longer version that includes the hot pop, AND retains the other detritus, then go to mixcloud.com. To discover how to make your own Tracy Island using only things found in a sceptic tank, then go to www.sorrynotinservice.com. Gordano!

Gordano! Arise you recumbent monster and know me better man.  You people really are lucky, here lyeth a podcast stuffed to the pats (Pat Rafter (rafters)) with content. Tales of hollingdays, previews of hollingdays, birthdays, mundane women, bulbous events, robins, swearing and of course erotic encounters with a medical professional. This really is, as the pope would say: ‘well phat’. So join us on this most agreeable journey. To hear the show with the pop music and to get top advice on which prophylactic to wear this summer, head over to sorrynotinservice.com Gordano!