theTimeVault

Is there a better way to celebrate the 60th Anniversary of Doctor Who than by ignoring it completely and talking over the 10th Anniversary of Doctor Who? Nope, didn't think so.

It's snow joke when the Doctor faces off against Hissing Sid. ICE. It's white, it's slippery, you can skate on it and make beautiful sculptures out of it. It's cool. But what they don't tell you is that it makes you paranoid and convinces you that you're living in the time of Oliver Cromwell. Worst of all….aliens live in it! They live in it forever and ever and ever until you let them out. But you mustn't let them out because the giant green monsters will kill you and then conquer the world! Beware! Beware the ice! Beware The Ice! BEWARE THE IIIIIIICE! (ahem) Just think carefully the next time you want a glass of lemonade.

Some monks living on a hill are being terrorised by some giant furry things that may or may not be yeti. A mad explorer tries to get them to eat the Doctor (the yeti, not the monks) but they're not interested because they've been trained by someone invisible who sounds like a pervert. The Doctor realises that the yeti's one weakness is their balls. A sure fire way to incapacitate the male of any species; No wonder they feel abominable.

The Doctor does his best Lara Croft impersonation when some maths teachers try to take over what looks like an intergalactic ice cream factory. But it all comes down to the wires when the factory boss has a quarrel with the Hulk's thinner, less chatty cousin and is ultimately defeated by a closed door (this happens a lot so clearly they're more used to open-plan architecture). The guy in charge of the budget must have been so relieved when he saw designs for this story's spaceship. And who decided to name one of the villains after an item of clothing? Still, could've been worse, she could have been called Duffle Coat……or Thong. Lucky escape.

Somebody's half-inched the TARDIS!! A tramp makes a train set out of pepperpots, the daleks are experimenting with a new diet plan for Human beings and a man in a skirt is in for a spot of male bonding with a giant Turk. All this and there's also a big nobbly thing with a megaphone and the most fearsome beard in history doing something dastardly with mirrors. And yet despite it all, the Doctor and Jamie go for a date at a café and pose for photographs. Like they're not even bothered. And who the Hell is Left-Handed Kenneth?

The Doctor with a thousand ____s ____s overwhelming odds when he ____s-off against the ____less ones who put on a brave ____, even though they have to ____ the truth that they won't be able to save ____. So the two-____d time lord goes ____ to ____ against a man without a ____ (which is quite tricky to do) but he doesn't realise that his companions have ____d their fears one too many times and now have to ____ the fact that they can't ____ it any longer and must get out of his ____. So while everyone runs about trying not to fall flat on their ___s, the Doctor tries giving the ____less ones a blank look. But they've already got one.

The listeners must relax and believe. Everything in the TimeVault is considered and correct. You must accept it without question. You must obey orders. The presenters of the TimeVault know what is best. In 54 minutes, when you stop listening, you will be given an opinion. You will be glad to agree. You will question nothing in the TimeVault There is no such thing as other podcasts! There are no other podcasts!! Other podcasts do not exist!!! THERE ARE NO OTHER PODCASTS!!!!!!!

Ros has found her new calling…Road Rage Influencer; when she's not goading violent henchman types into ramming elderly drivers in dark tunnels, she's flying helicopters over public roads while shooting at vehicles transporting highly unstable explosive materials. It all comes back to haunt her though when she has a reaction to a bad salad. Ed meanwhile is in the most understaffed scientific research facility in the world, having to spend the whole weekend showing the worst security man ever how to wind a really big watch. He's so keen to leave he willingly lets himself get captured by some dodgy types, tied to a chair surrounded by lasers and exploding liquid while he waits for a nasty phone call…. Oblivious to all of this, Beckett's feeling pumped about finding a secluded spot to get crazy with a cute lab technician, unaware that she won't do anything for less than ten million! It looks like he'll have to cancel Gerhardt the Magician.

It's all happening on the moon! Except it isn't. The moon-base is staffed by the most normal, relaxed bunch of colleagues you're ever likely to find in Doctor Who. It's so relaxed that Ben stacks boxes, Polly waffles on about nail varnish and the doctor looks at shoes under a microscope. Ahh, lazy days….. But oh no! Scott has just head butted the moon and gets a bad case of the sweats when he starts hallucinating Billie Piper. He needs help but no one really appreciates the gravity of the situation until the many love children of Bender and Metal Mickey turn up with a plan to kill everyone on Earth by rotting the teeth of everyone on the moon…. No, I don't know either. They've been hiding behind the breakfast cereals in the store room and i think they've having a sugar rush.

It's all happening on the moon! Except it isn't. The moon-base is staffed by the most normal, relaxed bunch of colleagues you're ever likely to find in Doctor Who. It's so relaxed that Ben stacks boxes, Polly waffles on about nail varnish and the doctor looks at shoes under a microscope. Ahh, lazy days….. But oh no! Scott has just head butted the moon and gets a bad case of the sweats when he starts hallucinating Billie Piper. He needs help but no one really appreciates the gravity of the situation until the many love children of Bender and Metal Mickey turn up with a plan to kill everyone on Earth by rotting the teeth of everyone on the moon…. No, I don't know either. They've been hiding behind the breakfast cereals in the store room and i think they've having a sugar rush.

The man without a face doesn't have a face but he does have a face and another face. The woman with an unmentionable job and questionable taste in music has her name and someone else's name and keeps extra hair by her bed but not by her other bed. A pair of medium atomic weights have taken to squatting in someone else's dingy, squalid little flat while they bicker about job satisfaction and look at the most miserable, depressing photographs they can find. The children's division of the Oliver Twist Fan Club who want to poke people's eyes out with umbrellas are just a distraction. What we're here to talk about is what happens when the Blank Stare, the Big Hair and the Bickering Pair gather on the staircase to have a big ol' barney in the middle of the night.

aka ‘Stop Piscine About' The TARDIS crew go for a swim in their latest adventure when they discover the lost city of Atlantis! A mad mad scientist (that's a mad scientist who's then gone mad) with an equally mad accent has found the city and promised to raise it, but only he knows that to do it he must blow up the world! Ahahahahahaha!!! (see, i said he was mad). The Doctor tries to stop him by doing something educational with a cooking pot while Polly wanders around wearing whelks and mussels trying not to be turned in to a fish, and the boys? Well, they just prance around in tight fitting wetsuits for most of the story – clearly servicing the fetishist fantasies of the costume designer. There are big hats, big priests, dodgy disguises, dancing fish (which aren't nearly as entertaining as they sound), a stereotypical Irishman, underwater filming without the water, one of the most clichéd cliff-hangers ever......and did I mention the mad scientist?

aka ‘Stop Piscine About' The TARDIS crew go for a swim in their latest adventure when they discover the lost city of Atlantis! A mad mad scientist (that's a mad scientist who's then gone mad) with an equally mad accent has found the city and promised to raise it, but only he knows that to do it he must blow up the world! Ahahahahahaha!!! (see, i said he was mad). The Doctor tries to stop him by doing something educational with a cooking pot while Polly wanders around wearing whelks and mussels trying not to be turned in to a fish, and the boys? Well, they just prance around in tight fitting wetsuits for most of the story – clearly servicing the fetishist fantasies of the costume designer. There are big hats, big priests, dodgy disguises, dancing fish (which aren't nearly as entertaining as they sound), a stereotypical Irishman, underwater filming without the water, one of the most clichéd cliff-hangers ever......and did I mention the mad scientist?

A politician with a penchant for gardening who likes chocolate bars and compulsive gigglers is a big man in the ‘underground alternative medicine' scene. When he's not lurking in the cellars of his restaurant chain, he surrounds himself with a lot of card players; his secretary likes playing solitaire while his public relations advisor prefers snap. When Bond turns up and convinces one of them to switch to Happy Families, chaos ensues. After he has a little quarrel with his unexpected wife because she forgot her mongoose and doesn't like playing darts, he picks a fight with an army of black russians who chase him all over the place until he gives their magic slave back. He does this and then his new sex-mad girlfriend goes country dancing in zombie land so that he can shut the local dancing skeleton in a box full of snakes and then saves the day by puncturing Kananga's over inflated opinion of himself. Pop. Then he talks to his friend, Felix. Who can fix anything.

Och aye the Noo! Ye dinnae ken the trubbel ye coz when ye treps roon bonnie Scotland wi'out a kilt or haggis tae call yer ohn.... A toff falls down a hole in history while Polly and a Scottish bird prowl the moors at night looking to mug people. Ben does porridge with a man who plays the bagpipes and the Doctor collects hats while dressed as a washer woman!! As the Doctor hides from the English soldiers, Ben tries sneaking off to Barbados (looking for a cushy life, no doubt) but changes his mind and goes swimming. Polly and her Caledonian counterpart get fruity with the troops before moving on from late-night mugging to blackmail, then to arms smuggling and finally, to kidnapping. The Doctor brings the whole thing to a close by impersonating a German lawyer and incites a load of prisoners to riot! As the bodies pile up, Polly adopts the bagpipe man as a pet and they all make their getaway in the TARDIS. In the end, there can be only…oh no, that's the wrong series. Damn! Damn! Damn!....oh no, so's that!

Och aye the Noo! Ye dinnae ken the trubbel ye coz when ye treps roon bonnie Scotland wi'out a kilt or haggis tae call yer ohn.... A toff falls down a hole in history while Polly and a Scottish bird prowl the moors at night looking to mug people. Ben does porridge with a man who plays the bagpipes and the Doctor collects hats while dressed as a washer woman!! As the Doctor hides from the English soldiers, Ben tries sneaking off to Barbados (looking for a cushy life, no doubt) but changes his mind and goes swimming. Polly and her Caledonian counterpart get fruity with the troops before moving on from late-night mugging to blackmail, then to arms smuggling and finally, to kidnapping. The Doctor brings the whole thing to a close by impersonating a German lawyer and incites a load of prisoners to riot! As the bodies pile up, Polly adopts the bagpipe man as a pet and they all make their getaway in the TARDIS. In the end, there can be only…oh no, that's the wrong series. Damn! Damn! Damn!....oh no, so's that!

How do you clean up Italian politics? You have two men on the go at the same time, while a third spirits you away for clandestine meetings where a man who can't speak shoots imaginary teddy bears that look like you before going for a nighttime swim, then you have a secret wedding and invite spies who can't sew to fight over who gets to watch it in the most spyish way. And although you forget to invite one spy who gatecrashes the wedding and causes the musician to get shot, you flash your most winning smile and everything ends up smelling like roses. You don't invite Sharon and Sharon though; they're too busy testing Uncle Dave's suspension by banging away in the back of his new car. Ed can't go because he's getting all greased up with The Bimbo's From Hell. Ros can't go because she's taken up plumbing and is having to sort out the mistakes made by the new girls when they put in some taps. Beckett might be able to make it. It all depends if he gets to ask a very VERY important question at exactly the right time.

Power Napping, Power Walking, Power Talking. Power Houses, Power Stations, Power Plants and Power Rangers. Wind Power, Wave Power, Solar Power and Battery Power. Steam Power, Flower Power, Super Power and Turtle Power. Executive Powers, Mental Powers, Higher Powers and Austin Powers The Power of Love, The Power of Christ, The Power of Greyskull. The Power of Positive Thinking and the POW-wer of the Dark Side. All powers everywhere…yes, even P-P-P-Puppy Power….pale into insignificance, overpowered you might say, by the Power of the Daleks!!!! Just remember to turn them off at the wall when you're not using them.

Power Napping, Power Walking, Power Talking. Power Houses, Power Stations, Power Plants and Power Rangers. Wind Power, Wave Power, Solar Power and Battery Power. Steam Power, Flower Power, Super Power and Turtle Power. Executive Powers, Mental Powers, Higher Powers and Austin Powers The Power of Love, The Power of Christ, The Power of Greyskull. The Power of Positive Thinking and the POW-wer of the Dark Side. All powers everywhere…yes, even P-P-P-Puppy Power….pale into insignificance, overpowered you might say, by the Power of the Daleks!!!! Just remember to turn them off at the wall when you're not using them.

Tegan's keen to upgrade her driving licence. She's already gone from car to ambulance and now she's making the leap to time and space machine, but the engine's over-heated and she's got all hot and bothered. She needs to relax with a bit of indoor graffiti but she's not quite at Banksy's level yet. The Doctor's had a nasty fall and he now thinks the TARDIS needs one hell of a clear-out. Unfortunately, he also thinks the best way to do this is to wander the corridors putting on silly voices and taking his clothes off. This scars Nyssa's innocent teenage mind and the only way she can cope with things is to build coffins, throw wheelchairs into rivers and have secret meetings with her boyfriend in strange hotel rooms. The Master hopes they can all get past these problems because he's reserved a table for them at his new cliff-top restaurant. There's only one thing on the menu, a plan sandwich; a steak of the biggest, nastiest, most evil plan ever devised wrapped between two slices of lightly smoked plan. And if that wasn't evil enough, he's only gone and stuck a stick of celery on top. Bastard.

Your estranged wife just caught you exchanging fluids with your ex-girlfriend so she shot at you. Your ex-girlfriend's not even interested, she only came round to borrow a cup of milk. But before you know it she's moved in and your jealous butler's tried to start a bitch fight. You decide to avoid it all and spend the rest of the day in bed but your friends creep in while you're asleep and cut your arm off. Out of sympathy a three-armed woman from another dimension cuts off one of hers and you try to seduce her by pretending to be yourself. Doesn't work. It's going to be one of those days

Your open-air mime rehearsal doesn't go so well when your only audience member leaves for the countryside and the company of corpses. Naturally, you take your mind off it by looking for an invisible house in the sky but somehow you end up punching a duck. Confused, you decide to go to dinner with the most unlikely couple in all of time who are far more adept at the whole ‘trapped in a box' thing than you ever could be. He's a masochistic voyeur who doesn't like to peep, She's pillow phobic and talks to walls and their son is a creepy, badly dressed weirdo who hears voices and has THE worst handshake. But you've been brought up to be polite so you ignore the family pet (which appears to be a butcher's off-cut that lives in the skirting board) and sit down to dinner. Just don't eat the lamb. You don't want to know where it's been.

Ros is flying high with success and joins the mile spy club; she gets a private plane AND she gets to go in the cockpit. She does have to wear a ridiculous pair of glasses to watch the in-flight movie though. It's the Twilight Zone and there's this freaky little thing on the wing of the plane…. Beckett's fortunes take a bit of a dive, he's all pumped about getting involved in off-shore banking but his business partner leaves him all at sea when he jumps ship and decides to get stoned. Fortunately he has a sweet tooth and dies from a heart attack brought on by a dodgy pop-tart. Ed plays with a mouse in a windmill. ahhh

Not to be confused with Legopolis, which uses a different type of block transfer computation (although it does explain Adric's hair) An air hostess has a disastrous first day when she gets on the wrong flight, shouts at the cabin crew and can't find the emergency exit - although to be fair it's a devil to get to. A precocious math's nerd can't decide whether to spend the day measuring an infinite number of boxes or take part in the most boring planet-wide game of Battleships ever attempted. A Pixie Princess from Planet Peace, like any teenager, has mood swings. Give her some gaudy bit of tat and tell her you're her dead dad, she'll kill her mates quick as you like. An evil ringmaster goes to a lot of effort so that he can make a prank call to every answer machine in the universe…at the same time. And the Doctor's trying to drown himself, shrink himself, get arrested…basically anything to avoid having to go on the roof and fix the tv ariel so that the creepy dude in white with no mouth can stop staring at him and watch something else instead. It's distracting, he needs to be careful. The last thing he wants to do is fall o….oh.

What happens when a man who likes to climb tall buildings meets a man who likes to jump out of windows and they get into a car with a woman who knows how to use a fax machine? You get a team of remorseless killers who like to spy on businesswomen's muesli, steal strangers' family photos, wear hideous yellow ties and pretend to be nice to old people before doing several different government agencies jobs for them without getting paid. Bunch of amateurs.

Welcome to Traken the happiest, most harmonious place in all of N-space. You've come at a bit of a bad time. Great Grandpappy Traken, King of Happiness, fell off his chair and died. Daddy Traken was supposed to take over as King but Mummy Traken hadn't had her wedding night so she murdered Clever Uncle Traken and blamed it on Daddy. Old Auntie Traken, told Mummy to be King but Mummy was Maaaaaaddddddd. Madder than an ostrich on a ski-lift. She started wearing a fetish collar and put a moss-covered, bird poo-encrusted statue called Mouldy on the throne before locking it in a glass box. Daddy Traken was in prison along with Weird Wedding Guest And His Son. But everyone forgot about his daughter, Naughty Princess Traken. She and Weird Wedding Guest And His Son's Son recently ‘experimented' using special equipment in Daddy's draw and she wanted more. She bribed, she shot, she jailbroke and then she went on the lam with her new boyfriend to wilfully sabotage civilisation as we know it. Daddy Traken and Weird Wedding Guest watched Mummy Traken vanish to death and they set fire to the mouldy old statue forcing Stupid Uncle Traken (who didn't know what was going on) to be King of Happiness. Weird Wedding Guest And His Son left. But not before Weird Wedding Guest And His Son's Son dumped Bad Pixie Princess Traken. She returned home only to find Daddy Traken had decided to get the master of all face-lifts and go on a joyride, leaving her to clean up…well…let's be honest, HER mess. So it's all been a bit of a hugger-mugger really. Still, hope you enjoy your stay and make sure you're gone before the two weeks are up. No seriously, two weeks is all you've got here.

A haunting documentary about Sir Mick Jagger's eight children (by five women), five grand-children and one great grand-child…. They thought he was a drug-addled rock star, what they didn't know was that in 1555, Nostradamus predicted he would raise an army, an army that would take over the world! The prediction goes: On December 31st, 2020. A Rolling Stones concert will take place, and the last note of the last song will transmit a signal, activating the entire Jagger clan; Having been strategically placed around the world, as one they will rise up, pout, clap their hands and walk like a chicken in such a way that no one will be able to resist their power. As each person they meet falls under their spell and becomes like them the World's population will be turned into Jagger clones. They will build an army of spaceships and travel the universe singing Ruby Tuesday and turning any race they meet into other Jagger clones. A select few will be allowed to become David Bowies, Peter Toshs and The Jacksons, (for authentic cloned collaboration purposes) and all will be forced to watch Ned Kelly and Freejack. Forever. All Hail The Mighty Jagger! Or we could just be taking the mick.

How many Emohawks does it take to change an alert bulb? That and a whole Legion of questions will not be asked in this edition of TimeVault. Instead you have to spend the whole time looking for a Red Dwarf because somebody's lost one. But remember, when the Psiren sounds it means you're Out of Time. So you may prefer to spend your time watching Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls instead. We'd love to do a commentary on THAT!

In this tharilling adventure, Adric's lion about doing not very much at all, K-9's got a bad case of time wind, and the Doctor's hoping that the latest TARDIS faults haven't made the warranty void. Romana's not letting any of that bother her though, she's found a nice empty little room with a comfy chair, some old photos and a pair of headphones and she's well happy (probably listening to the White album). The lost electricians aren't happy; the locals are refusing to give them directions. They haven't made a good impression because their health and safety standards when it comes to the wiring is enough to make your hair stand on end. The locals aren't happy because they were really hoping the maid was going to turn up this morning; they've found a bit of dust in the dining room. Biroc's the mane man and he's not happy because he's had a bit of a roar deal. He used to have a thriving empire and now all he's got is a mirror that tells him he needs a shave. He's impatient to have his old life back, you see he just can't wait to be king. and that's it…i've run out of lion jokes. You wouldn't get any better ones even if you pride them out of me.

E-Space is well known for having the worst dental care of all the alphabet, so it's no surprise that their state of decay has driven the Great Gumpire to set up a new clinic on ye olde fashionee world. He has a two point plan that seems a bit batty; he doesn't use anaesthetic, just good old fashioned hypnotism, which isn't in the least bit suspicious or kind of groomy. But fangs ain't what they used to be and you do what you must. What you mustn't do is eat the food. The state sanctioned menu consists of a single plate of sad looking salami slices and one bowl of hard to steal soup, it's not good for your oral hygiene. The castle does have a well stocked cellar though, plenty of barrels of red. Not everyone's receptive to all this dentistry though, all the old folk have hidden in the forest to start a beard farm in protest. But that could be because the Great Gumpire's dental plan is only available to the young…. …boys. But there aren't any women on this planet so, like i said, you do what you must. Shame he didn't get stuck in F-space.

It's a lovely day, the sun is shining, birds are singing, rivers are boiling and swamps are bubbling. The perfect day for angry men to gather river fruits, for enthusiastic men to wash plums (before they're roasted), for rebellious teenagers to grab someone's juicy melons and for young boys to be chased through the woods by older men (not for the last time, either). And then after a tiring day, lock everyone indoors and spend the next 10 years changing all the batteries in the house. After dinner, Spider-woman breaks in through the back door and starts shaking a dead dog's head on a stick at people, so the three most incorrectly named men in E-Space seek inspiration by turning the telly on to the Cartoon Network to watch Dexeter's Laboratory. It's that classic episode where Dexeter cuts into a child's brain and causes it to go on a violent rampage before strangling Dexeter and then electrocuting itself. You remember that one. Not quite sure how it's going to help, but you never know.

Choose trains. Choose no actual trains. Choose candles. Choose an elderly arsonist. Choose magically refilling flower pots, trip wires, stroppy ghosts and layers of dust. Choose an empty hotel, seances and barbed wire doors. Choose a submarine. Choose role-play with a pretty woman. Choose arguments with a heartless bastard. Choose a face full of mincemeat. Choose a one-eyed cat and mouldy sandwiches. Choose banging away on a piece of junk outside in the dark while singing a really old song to a malevolent creeping blackness and wondering what the f*** you are doing starting a band in the middle of the night with an unsettlingly enthusiastic stranger who has complete disregard for you and anyone you have-will-could know. Choose tension, and more tension, and even more tension. Choose not to eat the mouldy sandwiches. Choose your future. But only your future. Choose not to choose someone else's future. And the explanations? There are no explanations. Who needs explanations when you're medium atomic weights?

Now, don't get tetchy but there's still a few things you need to do first. Are you wearing a red and white gingham dress with army boots? Have you eaten an edible Pot Noodle? Have you given pleasure to the World for having a great arse? Good, did you get a couple of handmaidens to ritualistically oil your nipples? Okay, well, as you've only achieved exactly four percent of the list, you may now step into the elevator, shout ‘Geronimo' and push the button for Sexual Recreation. Just remember your manners. Because if you don't, Mr Flibble will get very cross….

It's not easy trying to create a religion based on geometrical objects, you know. The Hexagon got lost in the post, the Octagon was eaten by the cat, the Nonagon never even happened and the Pentagon's already been copyrighted. The Tetrahedron got wedged in the lift, the Cube was sent back because it was boring, there's a Gaztak mercenary swinging on the Trapezoid and the Dodecahedron just shrank. The only one left is the Icosahedron. But that would just be silly. The Tigellans might be able to sort it out but they're stuck in a power triangle, Romana's walking in circles and K-9's just in general bad shape. Speaking of bad shape, the Doctor's not very well. He's looking a bit green, he's coming out in a rash, he's recovering from Chronic Hysteresis, someone keeps trying to steal his coat….oh, and i think he may have just sat on a cactus. Ouch.

Leave your homework for a moment kid, there's a giggling giant strolling through the house kicking down all the doors and a miserable git dumping all the food in your freezer. There's a policeman knocking on the door, a couple of old soldiers running up and down the stairs, a hurricane in the kitchen and a fashion-conscious flirt burning all your stuff. I'd go and get your parents if I were you, they're in the cellar playing with your mum's new turntable. It's really put a smile on her face. ….second thoughts, DON'T get your parents. Sort it out yourself. But before you do can you please STOP THOSE BLOODY CLOCKS. It's getting so a malevolent, extra-dimensional force can't hear itself think.

The Doctor and Romana have decided they need a bit of leisure time but everywhere's booked solid and their last resort is the one remaining building in a war-torn wasteland (no dogs). Chucking K-9 in the sea, they go on holiday. Unfortunately, this particular holiday camp isn't exactly a hive of activity; the staff keep dying of old age, the new owner hates people and has just bought a brand new 3D printer, which he hopes will help him make new friends, the new owner's mum's best friend has built a ‘make me young' machine and there's an army of giant frogs in fancy dress wandering around the place trying to buy everything. The new owner doesn't care because he's just got himself a brand new hat and he wants to show it off to the galaxy. The Doctor's tired of it all so he has a go in the ‘make me young' machine' unluckily for him, Romana's been fiddling with it and plugged the cables in the wrong holes and before you know it, the Doctor suddenly finds he's in his 80's. They'll probably need a holiday after this.

During his gap year, a fashion student goes on a minor tour of the Greek islands only to get stranded on one. He gives the local mayor a sob story about his past and gets his own house if he promises to help them renovate the island. Instead, he digs a couple of holes in the back garden, invites a load of his mates round and orders a curry (Greek food gives him a sore throat). The locals can't seem to get rid of them and the takeaway delivery boys keep getting lost in the maze of narrow streets. But then a show-jumper and a clown turn up with a pet dog that likes biting people in the bulls and things just go from bad to worse.

The Scorpio family's house burns down so they decide to go and stay with Granddad. But, as with all long journeys, they argue with each other so much that Mum and Dad get out and walk, taking little Vila and Dayna with them. As he's only just passed his test, moody teen Tarrant keeps going, bumps into several other vehicles and ends up in a ditch. Trying to hitch a lift he meets a dirty looking old tramp with funny clothes and a permanent wink who offers him a bag of sweets if he'll get in the car. So off they go. Ending up at a motorway services in the arse end of nowhere, Tarrant realises he's been kidnapped, by his Granddad so he kicks the old guy in the nuts and runs away….straight in to the arms of his family who've just arrived in a car they er, borrowed from a couple of murderous hillbilly types they met living in a shed deep in the woods. Dad and Granddad have a stand-up argument about the gobby young woman he's shacked up with who's only after him for everything. The argument turns nasty and before you know it Grandad's lying in a pool of his own blood and his girlfriend's very large family (who just happen to own the services station) give the Scorpio family a right good kicking. That's the last time they'll get together for a family reunion.

A group of S and M fanatics (wearing gimp masks made from their mum's tights) get lost on a skiing trip to the South Pole. they stumble onto a secret military outpost at the same time as the Doctor, Ben and Polly. When a new planet appears in the sky everyone goes a bit mental. The Doctor's having none of it, though. He's far too old for that sort of thing so he takes action….and has a nap, leaving it up to a sailor and a duchess to do something clever with magnets and a luminous stick before the mad general nukes the universe and the kinky gimps enslave the human race (actually, The Kinky Gimps sounds like a 1970's prog rock group). After all that, the Doctor decides that he looks far too old and has a very bad reaction to a botox overdose.

Leaving the others to man the office, Avon and Vila take the company car to a meeting but it breaks down on the way back and they have a very serious argument about who's going to walk home. Avon apologises with a fancy dress dinner party. But when Tarrant gets caught getting off with a hot punk girl under the coats, his parents are forced to take her home. Coming back in the wee small hours, they find that their hyperactive kids have completely trashed the place!

Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy landlubbers, we be the fearsome Podcasters of Penzance! The Doctor and his land-lubbing stowaways arrive in somethingth century Cornwall where a dodgy bloke tells the Doctor a secret. they go to the pub where the Doctor gets kidnapped by Cap'n Hook's evil brother. Polly feels confused as to her gender preference when she and Ben get thrown in jail from where they promptly escape (because of witches) hide in a crypt and beat up a policeman. The Doctor escapes from Cap'n Jack Sparrow's mad ancestor, finds his gender confused companions and tells the policeman to sod off. He then walks straight to where the treasure's hidden and waits for Cap'n Pugwash's slimmer twin to double-cross some corrupt Cornish smugglers. Then he waits some more while all the pirates, barkeeps and assorted salty sea dogs kill each other over it. With their swash's firmly buckled, the Doctor, Ben and Polly, who is now firmly resolute as to her femininity, go for a walk along the beach, probably stuffing their faces with Cornwall's most famous export.... Yo Ho Ho and a Pastie

An uptight scotsman, travels to a remote island where the locals are obsessed with fruit. He stays at an inn with the best room service in the world (you get more than breakfast in bed at this place). They invite him to trade with them; The landlord's daughter offers him melons and a juicy peach in exchange for some plums but all he's got is a cherry and he doesn't want to lose that. So they show him round the island instead. He thinks their idea of healthy living is just bananas, but he joins in their may-day festival where the punch makes him act like a fool and run off into the caves with a young girl. He joins in their barbecue where they all gather round the camp fire for a sing-song and present him with a leaving present of a huge fruit basket. All in all, quite a pleasant holiday. Until he finds out there's no fruit, then he gets bit hot tempered.

or Curly Chops and The Crack Muppets A cruise ship captain who's clearly not getting paid enough and a grumpy git with spaceship envy find themselves literally stuck together after one of them drives the wrong way down the space lanes. But that's the least of their worries… There's a drug problem running wild on the ship. It's high time somebody smoked out the culprits but the passengers are too busy forming lines to be of any help. Glitter and Sparkles (the dopey on-board entertainers) take charge by giving all the staff handguns and talking smack about the heroine. Then they hide in the toilet while Mr and Mrs Mandrel get the munchies and gorge themselves on baked potatoes. The hero meanwhile has brought a sniffer dog but all it finds is a giant hairy monster in the skirting board and, if that wasn't bad enough, someones weed in the corridors. What a nightmare

Put on a pair of comfortable shoes, take the battery out of your clock, sit on the floor where your sofa used to be and throw some jelly around the room. Oh and you might need a hard-hat, we're about to go plot-holing. Yep, it's time to talk about the Doctor Who adventure that's so exciting, it doesn't even get a name.

Sun, Sand, Sea and Sex…well two out of four's not bad I suppose. Tarrant goes on holiday to a timeshare he's booked from a guy called Vern, unaware that it's been double booked with a very image conscious politician. Her weekend at Vernie's is turning into a rough night when they discover her ex-boyfriend dead in the cupboard. So when You, Me and Him turn up looking for Vern's hidden valuables, there's only one thing Tarrant and Servelan can do. Go to bed. Meanwhile….back at the office. After a very long argument about who tracked mud on to the meeting room carpet, the staff of Scorpio Inc. decide to have a Tarrant-free movie marathon; starting with The Italian Job, moving on to Star Trek IV and finishing with Carry On Again Doctor. Dayna's impression of Jim Dale on a hospital trolley will be the talk of office parties for years.

The Doctor hatches a plan to finally rid himself of his most useless companion ever. He arrives in the swinging sixties and goes to a nightclub where he chats up a tramp, throws some shapes, picks up a dolly bird and a sailor and leaves with them in a taxi (the dirty old goat!). Then he hypnotises her into unconsciousness and has someone else dump her in a field somewhere in the countryside before he challenges a fruit and veg hating remote control tank to an outdoor wrestling match (He's got the cape but thank god he doesn't have a pair of glittery underpants). When a giant envelope-sorting machine persuades people to build another one in the middle of a fireworks factory while they're half asleep, the Doctor (un)screws with the second one's mind and convinces it to go and kill it's daddy. None of the other machines get finished because a vital elastic band shipment never arrives. What do you expect when you set your evil empire in the Post Office? The Doctor leaves and everyone forgets…oh, you know….wotsername….well they forget her anyway. Good.

It doesn't matter if you're a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden or a man with three heads waiting for a lift; put down the double-polaroid, grab a banana and come with us to WaxWorld where we plan to talk to you about Red Dwarf IV. We can't promise to be interesting but i'm afraid the only way out is the huge 10lb black-ribbed knobbler in the cupboard. So, before we begin… Would anybody like any toast?

Mystic Meg's cosmic cousin needs help from the Doctor because he's fallen down a hole and his only companion is Mr Blobby's intergalactic pen pal, a huge green blob who can only communicate in single entendres. Things have been made worse because the hole is in the back garden of an upperclass murdering psychopath who's not at all happy that she had to leave her face-painting appointment half an hour early. Her top warrior's no help because he's too busy wandering the grounds, dressing in leather and whipping his sprouts for anyone who wants to watch, so she comes up with a-drastic solution…she'll turn the hole into a fighting pit! first contest, a dog with a gun vs a giant green nacker. Who wouldn't pay to see that? Now, I know nobody wants to see THAT! Put it away, it's not big (well it is actually) and its certainly not clever!

Something's got them all in a crabby mood. Could it be the fact that someone's programmed their answer machine message to spout a load of gibberish? or that Dayna appears to have sand in her character trait? Maybe it's the fact that some random old bloke's joined the crew without anyone realising or that Tarrant's beginning to smell faintly of wet blanket. Whatever the reason, playing some games in the Crystals Maze might cheer them up. Soolin plays a first person shoot-em-up against a state-of-the-art ambidextrous gun, Tarrant has a go on a flight simulator where the object appears to be crashing into things, Vila has to work out what to do with a dead man and someone else's finger whilst Dayna fails miserably at hide and seek. I bet this wasn't in their horoscope. Will you start the bombs please!

Apparently, TARDIS arrives somewhere nice for a change but as Dodo's taking a lot of pent up tension and frustration out on Steven, the Doctor goes for a walk in the wilderness with nothing but a bottle of suspicious pills and something that, quite frankly, would be put to better use cheering up Dodo. Quite what he plans to do with them behind a bush, I don't want to know. It turns out they've arrived on a planet with two lots of people on it. One lot of people are the worst kind of nosey neighbours you could imagine who send Steven and Dodo off to follow a red herring from another show whilst they fail to explain to the Doctor how and why they've been spying on him for several years. This lot of people think they're the best so they shine torches at the other lot of people until they forget how to paint pictures and shave. Fortunately for the other lot of people a space pilot turns up with a mirror. So everything's fine. Once both lots of people have smashed up a nasty bit of kit that makes you do impressions, they want one of the visitors to stay and sort their lives out for them. So, will it be Steven or will it be Dodo? Which one would you rather see leave? Don't get your hopes up.

(deep voice) Danger! Do not attempt to open this podcast the presenters involved are extremely hostile they feed off the Human psyche they seek out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled you have been warned!