Unhireable by Keren Margolis & Tommy O'Malley

Beloved friends of the show, musical theater influencers (redacted) and (redacted), join us for 8 minutes of almost-conversation before getting triggered and leaving. Then join us for a chill 45 of wtf just happened! Are they THE WORST?? Are WE the worst? So far it's 2-2 us-them WORST. Make sure you @ us and break the tie!!

Is America's batshit aunt Roseanne fucked forever after that dumb racist tweet? Is cancelling a human being a great idea or really fucking evil? Can Roseanne ever rebrand? Did we not see this coming from her ICONIC national anthem debacle? Do you cancel your family when they say dumb racist shit? And last but not least, is the real problem the cancelled or the CANCELLER? (Tommy & Keren argued about the spelling of "cancelled"; Keren won, but whose side are you on?)

Wtf happened on last week's Race Wars?? Is Milo an ANYHOLE™ or a NEVERHOLE™? Was he right about reparations? Is Trump gonna be a reparations president to spite literally everyone? Does it even matter if we don't fix our prisons? Daddy Doug, Brandon Collins and Jabari Brisport help us solve race and Milo but we do most of the work!!!

Tommy is surrounded by JEWS (Dani Zoldan, owner of Stand Up NY and Raanan Hershberg, comic) and throws everyone into an Israel hole, blames them, and screams until they change the subject. Dani launched an online comedy class, and teaches us that a tight 5 means a short set and not your fisting hand. Is comedy is an apocalypse career? Is Trump is a global warming president? Was Raanan's first beej his best beej? In conclusion, HOLOCAUST!

ANYHOLE™ Michelle Wolf turned bombing in front of our nation's most annoying audience into the best part of her set and for that we offer up all of our holes. Also! Daddy Doug makes the case for not throwing people in the garbage, a Tiffany Maples Trump is a sex act, and lastly, the way a Jew screws Tommy is NOT the same as how Tommy screws a Jew!

Are our minds as closed as our buttholes? Are we all a bunch of default no's? Will we ever get the Puritan stick out our asses? How come Kanye's cancelled but Mel Gibson isn't? How do we shame people the right amount when online shame shames on forever?

Friend emeritus of the show Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez gives us #arsongoals!! Plus, is #Beyoncé Queen Bey, or is she a capitalist (we refuse to say the C word about Queen Bey)

Time Out NY's David Goldberg once ranked us 11th out of 13 best pods, but that's because he misspelled 1! Can the New York market only sustain so many gays, queers and bitches? How many yaaaaassssses were torn from the lips of Ru Paul? Are true New Yorkers amphibians (hybrid switchy toppy bottoms)? There's only one way to find out!!! Tell us what you think @unhireableshow!

What silent billionaire money created the Parkland Spice Kids? And how are we co-creating them?? Listener and stable genius social policy researcher Doug brings it back to the real gun epidemic and how to make it change. @ us @unhireableshow!!

School shootings are creating uncomfortable kid celebrities: agree or secretly agree?? Pls @ us. Research suggests that New Yorkers are lil Machiavelli sociopath narcissist cunts, but in a good way! It's science. PLUS Tommy is clearly a racist, and yet everyone agrees that Keren is a racist.

Heterosexual Eli Sairs is the champ! Tommy and Champ grew up under football supremacy, which is a kind of violence. Something's different about Keren, but what??? Everyone agrees that Oscars are gay football, and no one disagrees that fag don't sag

Pantsless friend of the show Chrissie Mayr's best abortion years are behind her! Some things are just meant to (Plan) B. Public fisting inspired Chrissie to do comedy, and alleged power bot-Tom Brady inspires everyone to get to fucking!

Dear friend of the show Chandler had her FIRST abortion last week, accompanied by Keren. Keren is a hero and brave! SPOILER: everyone agrees that life starts at conception, and that abortion is murder

Listener Michael Zakaim joins us at Tommy's home for a beautiful ep and now Tommy has to move. Tommy TIME'S UPs Top Chef season 1 winner Harold Dieterle and his former business partner Alicia Nosenzo, proud failed restaurant owners, for fucking their employees out of money but continuing to enjoy a life of luxury and retweets from Andy Cohen. All 3 are OF COURSE welcome on the show any time.

Amini is a FULL HALF TONGAN OLYMPIC ATHLETE y'all!!! DID YOU KNOW that Olympians are stressed out nerds who are NOT fucking??? In other news, Rose McGowan is both a mess and a friend of the show, and The Hillary is irl Tracy Flick.

It's all sperm jokes and contact high until Tommy kicks off a race war by screaming Trump at people. Are white people full of shit and excuses? Are black people too triggered? Are you TEAM WHITE or TEAM BLACK? Jk lol!! We're all on one team, and that's team LET'S FUCK.

We watch the ICONIC State of the Union on mute, which is the only correct way to watch it. Pockets has had a #metoo life of crack and murder and currently manages a halfway house, which is a terrifying house full of felons. Keren and Pockets get into their roast battle; everyone makes a heartfelt wish to god. Amen.

Michael is an anarchist, which means he doesn't believe in telling people what an anarchist is. Tommy bravely explains why his working legs refused to carry him into Night for Freedom while he and Michael have a dick-measuring contest (Keren won)

Remember the cruel, unwinnable 90s?? Remember when all clothes had 4 corners? Remember when Tori Spelling was so hot it upset people? Us neither!!!! We're sooooo young!!!!!

Oprah wins Queen Bitch and Hillary is defeated!! Meanwhile, everyone's getting #metoo'd by #metoo, Tommy has crabs, and we rank the ME TOO SUPERSTARS of the Golden Globes. Who is YOUR #metoo breakout star of 2018? Tell us @unhireableshow!!!

Trump's FAKE NEWS AWARDS are making everyone's year and it's only January 2!!!! We nominate us, and the lying failing media who fails!! It's an honor. Chen doesn't believe in not having herpes, and Scopo fucked a dead fish for a full year before deciding he prefers live fish. What kind of fish do you like to fuck?? Let us know @unhireableshow !

HAPPY NEW YEAR, CUNTS!!! Come kick it and blaze a fatty with us while we retrospazz over a year of FIRE ASS CONTENT and help our beloved producer Shelby transition from deep sea creature to amphibious land dweller in the new year. THANK YOU for a cunty, sexually abusive year, fam!!! Wishing you all a #metoo, #imwithher, #neverchelsea 2018!!!

Andrew Indian gave a double-ended dildo to his friend's mom and accidentally #metoo ‘d someone with it (it's not or is what you think); Tommy's cousin gave his aunt a wrapped dildo for her birthday; and our sweet Andrew legit started puberty 3 months ago!!! Mazal tov Andrew!!! Merry Christmas and a dope ass Hannukah!!!

Marry/fuck/kill: Roy Moore, Roy Moore's wife, and Roy Moore's Jew lawyer; #metoo is ASLEEP on the Afflecks; Anderson Cooper is a cunt; Keren discovers that the B in plan B stands for Bortion

Tommy describes his #metoo and says everybody fucking relax; vape™ (vague rape) is when you don't say rape but everyone knows what you mean; who (living) would you take down with a #metoo if you got #metoo'd? Asking for a friend. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving! WE'RE BACK!!! Nick is balls deep in crypto; everyone knows that Hollywood is a boy-fucking AIDS opera; Charlie Sheen is so horrible that he looped back to hilarious; marry fuck kill is HELLA marry fuck killy this week!!!

Keren and Tommy spill mad tea on last week's TBS live show for NY Comedy Fest, including ALLEGEDLY weed cookies allegedly, the alleged packed house, and alleged GOATs Mehran Khaghani and Krystyna Hutchinson, allegedly

Unhireable goes LIVE for the Fest!! Louis C.K. is a dongle diddler, but is he really a Weinstein? Tommy gets his property stolen LIVE, and Mehran proves that some sluts should be shamed. Special thanks to NY Comedy Festival and everyone who came out to throw down!!!

Today is ALMOST our anniversary AND it's Halloween AND that psycho just murdered joggers on the West Side Highway, because no good exercise goes unpunished. Ya girls get into a fight* about whether terrorism makes you a bad person, and as always, Keren wins*. *not really!! *but yes.

Everything feels like a dream and not real. Just us?? Trump is the first post-9/11 president; his son is an unrisen yeast monster; Keren learns about football; people continue to not give two shits about Bryan Singer.

Don't die of shock, but Joel and Tommy got into a gay twitter beef; Joel says the live-action Beauty and the Beast was better than the animation bc PLAGUE; Tommy suffers the least bc he is a cis white male; everyone suffers more than Tommy.

Kevin hosts RISK!, a storytelling show based on Keren and Tommy's obnoxious personalities; Kevin spills a never-before-told and creepy af story about personally waiting on Harvey Weinstein; lying in Risks is not only ok, it's lowkey necessary; Kevin went to kink camp and discovered that "pansexual" just means greedy.

Everyone on the show has fucked between 6 and 2000 people; Donald Trump's problem is he's not a benevolent king; tiki torchers are mediocre entitled betas who don't try; in relationships, someone has to be the man?

Tyler says a swastika maybe shouldn't be protected speech, and neither should the Game of Thrones guys' new show about black slavery still being a thing in America; everyone yells about whether it's racist to not wanna hear a white person blorble on about race; if everything's crazy, then nothing's crazy (but everything is crazy tho).

Cookiepuss moved mad weed at NYU, a marriage pedigree school that Keren and Cookie are the losers of; everyone but Chrissie is a felon; Sean Spicer hasn't finished his time out: agree or very agree? An ACTUAL DRUG DEAL happens FOR DRUGS, and fuck/marry/kill with present company gets fucking real!!!!

Usama is an obvious 9/11 baby; Tommy and Usamy have crazy chemistry; Usama testifies to Keren's horrific onstage shit-eating; everyone agrees that Kid Rock the politician is the best thing that ever happened and also the end of the world.

Keren gets (trigger warning) brutally outfagged; Lester got sashayed and chasséed TWICE by RU PAUL!!! This is a big fucking deal. Tommy points the finger at some STUNT ASS BITCHES, but four fingers point back at us.

This week we bring you bonus FIRST bc the world is backwards and upside down (tbh the original ep we recorded was too musical theater faggy so that's on Patreon.com/unhireable). This ep: Singy Broadway prude Lacretta (no last name) balls out hates jizz and has a master's degree in vocal pedagogy (which only sounds like a kind of felony). Tommy doesn't not love the smell of homeless (relateable!); everyone knows that if you don't smell like (trigger warning) pussy after a workout, it's high key time to move your body before it turns into an unused raisin.

Trigger warning: blah politics blah annoying blah white people. Former asexual Sarah dykes up the pod, Tommy whitesplains why white people are afraid to talk to black people, and Keren racistly argues that everyone can be and is be a racist.

It's Sherrod's birthday!! To celebrate, his white children podcast without him! We love you, black dad!! Today is also Kurt and Tommy's two year anniversary of fighting as strangers online! We check in after Charlottesville, Tommy insists that Jews and blacks hate each other despite being neither, and lastly, Rapid Fired is the window to the gross little soul.

David breaks down Woody "This Land Is Your Land" Guthrie (dead white Commie bastard ANYHOLE™ with a Klan ass dad) and his poems about not being a piece of shit for 2 seconds; Donald Trump descended from heaven in the 1980s to give David career advice; Woody Guthrie wrote a song about Trump's dad and it's a hot ass banger.

Tommy & Keren are over news, over Trump, over Green, over Jews, over holes, over outrage; Tommy & Keren are into stunt ass bitches (hi hello what's up Chadwick Moore come on our show)and still balls out obsessed w all of u (no homo).

Finally, three brave white people (depends what you mean by "white," depends what you mean by "people") talk about whiteness, race, reparations, and being white.

Akeem and Anthony, both running for public office, talk #shutdownrikers, The Kalief Browder Foundation and cop-watching; everyone agrees that Keren is a racist.

Everyone makes Trump noises, but only Keren has the BALLS to call him the best president of our generation; Jake would't fuck Jenna Jameson, but this is a lie.

Mehran and Tommy discover that they're the same messy faggot; Mehran scolds Keren and Tommy for knowing nothing about him, but showed up here without even bothering to learn that they know nothing about ANYTHING, so joke's on you, MEHRAN. Thanks for listening!! Don't forget to follow us @UNHIREABLESHOW on Twitty and Insty, subscribe, and rate us on iTunes. ;)

Tommy's a$$hole doctor is an a$$hole but also Tommy is an a$$hole and could stand to be less of an a$$hole. White Keren is not white in Sweden and it triggers and disturbs her.

Comic and genuine halfsie Chrissie Mayr explains why she voted Chill Jill, why she fucks chicks, why Long Island, and marry/fuck/kill Chelsea/Jill's hot son/Jill's gross son.

It's PRIIIIIIIDE MONTH!!!! You better believe we got comedy homegirl Matteo Fucking Lane to come fag out with us. Listen and you're welcome as Matteo does Liza, Cher, AND Chazzy, explains gays, explains comedy, does a sick Evan Williams, and fucks with probably the most rapid, most fired Rapid Fired EVER. Then he apologizes for being a garbage guest and we graciously forgive him.

We pretty much solved Israel, and we're good on that for a while. Yehuda literally makes everyone cum with his Jew ramblings about fucking. Marry fuck kill forces gayness on the unwilling. That's a wrap on Israel!!! Thank you Israel.

Samia talks to lady Trump voters on her new pod and thinks pro-lifers can totally come around. Keren disagrees but could stand to be less of a cunt. Tommy fags out because Samia's a high belter, and Kurt shows up an hour late but stays for da sick bonus.