Life is Unfair! Let's Talk About It! | Life Coach Amber Lynn

Do I still have goals and dreams I am working to achieve yes. Have a achieved them all-no, and to be honest I never will because I am a Life Long learner and doer, I will be forever making goals and accomplishing them, or changing paths- and I have come to love my rhythm. So I hope this podcast is a reminder to you that internal successes and celebrations ALSO Count. No one gets to decide what “Made it” - looks like, or sounds like except for you! You get to create your life. You get to define what MADE it looks like and sounds like. That is the best thing about thought work and life coaching- the worldly definitions, standards, expectations can all be DROPPED if you want them and you give yourself the space to CREATE the definitions YOU want, the standards you crave and the expectations you desire.This life is yours, you get to drop these timelines- these definitions of success and create your own. So what does it look like to you? What can you celebrate today? I urge you to practice celebrating yourself because I guarantee you don't do it enough- and your brain train needs new rails to ride! Success train here we go! So go celebrate you!

Our brain likes things that are familiar, that “Feel” safe- things that it already knows. So no matter what your goal, or dream is- if it is something “new” or “different” your brain is going to have a hard time adapting to it and it is NORMAL. Do not take this resistance as a signal to stop or that this is not for you- take this brain resistance as part of the process of doing and learning new things. Even things that aren't necessarily good for us- but are familiar our brian will prefer- which shows you that not all fear is logical- not all fear is in our best interest. Fear of a bear is important, fear that rises from within late at night as you walk- these could be helpful fear that “keep you safe”But fear of failure, fear of being seen, and fear of rejection, fear that really comes from a place of insecurity and doubt- these fears are not fears that should stop you or hold you back. These fears need to be questioned and challenged.These fears are just brain wirings that need to be rewired, these fears are where are brain needs to grow in its capacity to feel hard and uncomfortable feelings and most importantly our brain needs to learn that even though we feel this way WE are still going to show up, and go after our dreams and our goals.Remember that it is a decision, we get to decide what we do when we feel this fear. Do we listen to it and decide to buffer through it and not show up. Do we ignore it and decide to make it mean that these dreams/goals are not for us. Or do we decide that we want these goals, dreams AND we comfort our body and these fears come up. These fears are going to come up because these insecure thoughts and doubts are going to come up.Just because these fears are here does not mean that your insecurities or doubts are FACT. aka true… it just means your brain already processed those thoughts and now you have these feelings.It is learning to challenge and question these doubts and insecurities instead of believing them. It is deciding to believe in yourself on purpose over and over again. It is believing that starting over again and again still gets you closer to success than giving up. It is knowing that this process, this journey is not going to be easy and without fear. It is truly knowing that giving into fear will keep you stuck. Giving into fear will keep you from all the things that you want in life. Giving into your insecurities will keep you small and safe, but at the cost of your dreams, your desires.So we get to decide if the cost is worth the prize/consolation. Is showing up when you are fearful over and over again worth getting your dream or accomplishing that goal? If you KNEW without a doubt that your dream was on the other side of this fear would you give into the fear and believe your doubts or would you walk with the fear and question your doubts?

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I teach my clients how their thoughts create their feelings and I teach them how to take back their power and control. Do you find that you take everything personally? With relationships? Friendships? Siblings? That text from a partner, from a friend, that conversation with that other human ? Do you find yourself comparing yourself to other women, comparing yourself to other mothers? Comparing your looks? Your body? Your life? Your parenting?Do you find yourself working tirelessly trying to get it all done- do ALL the things and then have nothing left for you, your family or your hobbies?Do you take other people's behavior, your child's success or failures and make it mean something about you as a person? Do you take it personally and make it mean you aren't good enough? You aren't doing enoughThen this podcast is for you, better yet come work with me so that I can help you stop taking it all personally and stop allowing outside circumstances affect your Self Worth. Let me teach you how to live in this world and still feel good enough. You can find me on IG at Takingbackherbrain or email me at amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com On today's Episode I am going to be talking about one of the Core Components of Emotional Freedom. Developing a Secure Self Worth: I define a Secure Self Worth as: internally knowing that you are inherently worthy regardless of what happens outside of you or what your brain tells you. A Secure Self Worth does not let situations, people or anything outside of you determine whether You are good enough. I teach my clients how to develop a SECURE SELF WORTH so that nothing outside of them can take away their feeling of being good enough. I use the word SECURE self worth because if you are anything like I used to be, your self worth and your feeling of good enough fluctuated through different events, different interactions with other humans. So I teach my clients how to always maintain their self worth and the feeling of good enough. I teach my clients how to Untying their self worth from all the things outside of them, I teach them how to develop self confidence, and develop unconditional self love and self acceptance. So they can handle any emotion, manage their overwhelm and stress, while maintaining their self worth.I know there is a LOT and I mean A LOT that is out of our control as humans navigating this world. We are consistently interacting with other humans that don't operate using our preferred manual. BUT there is definitely one thing that no one can take away from us and that is our thoughts and our feelings. Once you learn your power, the power you have over your emotions, and once you learn that emotions are just sensations in your body, you learn that you are really capable of processing and handling any emotion AND you don't have to make things mean anything about your worthiness your life will be forever changed. SO the first component I teach is how to develop a Secure Self Worth. A secure Self Worth is the understanding that no one can give you ‘good enoughness' title- it can't be earned, bought, sold or given to you from other people or situations. You just are worthy. It is the understanding that You decide that you are worthy, you believe that you are of value, and that you ARE ENOUGH.That is it- Your job, your success, your accomplishments- DO NOT give you worthiness, they do not give you the title of GOOD ENOUGH.

Hello Everyone thank you for joining me today on Episode 28 Taking Back Her Brain with Love: The Art of Emotional Freedom. I am Life Coach Amber Lynn, I teach women the Art of Emotional Freedom through taking back their brain from social constructs, from their harsh inner voice, from anything that is holding them back from living the life they want. Through The Art of Emotional Freedom my clients learn how to develop self belief, self confidence, genuine self love and genuine self acceptance. They learn how to stop seeking outside validation, outside approval and how to stop seeking worthiness outside of themselves. They learn to stop giving away their power. They learn how to obtain emotional freedom, and to stop being controlled by their emotions. My clients learn how to talk back to their brain, to transform their belief in themselves and propel them forward.First, what is emotional freedom? I define emotional freedom as the ability to have, process and feel any emotion, while not taking on the emotional responsibility of others around us.We all have a human brain that has a story about who we are, what we are capable of doing, and our limitations. Our brain is designed to "protect" us from social rejection, social humiliation, and death, So our brain has decided for us what is "safe" and what is not safe for us to encounter. Our brain has decided in advance that feeling any uncomfortable feeling is not safe. This means that oftentimes our brain tells us untrue thoughts, that keep us "safe", unseen, unheard as a survival technique. Just because your brain gives you thoughts about yourself, does not mean they are true.The most powerful thing we can learn is that We can intentionally, consciously rewire our brain to think new thoughts, to create new beliefs about who we are, what we are capable of doing and determine new capacities instead of limitations.Most of us have brains that are wired to show us everything negative about ourselves, as a result of these thoughts on automatic repeat in our head, we have low self esteem, low self confidence and a really harsh inner critic that is constantly telling us all the ways we are never measuring up. So what? Well our thoughts create our emotions, our emotions drive the actions we take and the actions we take produce the results we have in our life. Low self confidence? Low self esteem? Always trying to prove your worth? ARE ALL CREATED by your thoughts.So the thoughts we constantly think about ourselves- create emotions towards ourselves- driving us to buffer out of our feelings, because our feelings consist of "should-ing" ourselves, shaming ourselves, or just literally leaving us feeling shitty about ourselves. ULTIMATELY leaving us NEVER feeling good enough.If we want to start feeling good enough, if we want self confidence, if we want to feel secure and adequate then we have to practice thoughts on purpose to believe new thoughts about ourselves.

Learning to accept all of you. Learning to recognize that your brain patterns (depression, anxious attachment are not your personality, they are a brain response)

Rule # 1 for having a managed mindSo I had two rules tied for number one, and I still can't figure out which comes first, so they are tiedAll Circumstances are neutral AND You have to Feel Your FeelingsRule # 2 Our thoughts create our emotionsRule # 3 Our Feelings Drive our actionsRule #4 Our thoughts create our resultsRule #5 Other people's opinions/ thoughts of us don't matterRule #6 Knowing you can feel any emotionRule # 7 Life is 50/50 Accepting the feelings you feelRule #8 Holding Space for other people to be who they areRule # 9 Holding Space for Someone's Reactions to youRule #10 Acknowledging and Accepting Other people don't cause your feelingsRule #11 Knowing your nervous response: Fight, Flight, Freeze and how it shows up in your daily reactions, and how it feels in your bodyRule #12 Knowing your brain is not a reliable sourceRule #13 Talking back to your brainRule #14 Our brain just wants to only have one thing be true but what if contradicting things could also be trueRule #15 Making a decision and having your own back no matter how it turns outRule # 16 Knowing that any thought you want to think is available to you nowRule #17 Knowing that any feeling you want to create is available to you right nowRule #18 Most everything can be develop with a change/ shift in MindsetRule #19 Any belief you want to have about yourself is available to you right nowRule #20 You are inherently worthy regardless of anything you doSo rule number 1 all circumstances are neutral:Circumstances are anything that happens outside of you. Something someone says. An event that happened. A situation that took place.You see, when we can metacognitively understand that all circumstances are neutral- which simply means think about our thoughts- and accept that all circumstances are neutral we take our power and control back. Things are no longer out of our control, things are no longer “happeing to us”. We are no longer victims in our own life. We learned that we get to decide what we want to make any circumstance mean to us. When we decide to objectively look at a circumstance and decide what we want it to mean, and not just take things our brain automatically offers, we gain power. You see when we experience circumstances that don't feel good our brain typically offers us similar negative self talk like:see you were never good enough, they don't like you, they don't care about you, you aren't smart enough, you aren't pretty enough, see they never thought you were capable, see you are inadequate.But when we see a circumstance as neutral we get to ask ourselves Why are we choosing that thought, why are we choosing to believe this thought that our brain just likes to throw at us hoping we believe it, what if that wasn't the real story? What if the thoughts it throws at us are not actually facts. Or truth.If every circumstance is neutral- We learn how to manage our mind around it- we learn that we get to choose what we decide to believe.You have to Feel Your Feelings do

Episode 25Not making our feelings mean somethingHello There and Thank you for joining me today on Episode 25! Today we are going to be talking about the importance of feeling our emotions AND not making them mean something that just isn't true. Oftentimes our brain has programmed us that if we feel fear, failure, or hesitation it is a “sign” that we are making the wrong decision.This could be anything, it could be about ending a relationship, changing careers, telling someone no, doing anything that is out of our typical behavior or off our current path. It could be about making investments in yourself.This could be anything that you choose to do and after you feel a feeling. For me it was my decision to change careers from being a Teacher to being a Life Coach. I had so much fear around am I making the right decision, will I make enough money, and if I have fear it must be because I am making the wrong decision. But guess what that just isn't true.We often take feelings as a “sign” - a sign if we are doing something right or wrong, if we made the right choice or not- We put all this weight on feelings and give them so much power. Instead of taking feelings to mean that we just had a thought. Feelings are a sign that we had a thought.Our brain oftentimes gives us thoughts that 1) are not true 2) that are not helpful 3) that are just automatic.So we have to start to learn to pay attention to when we are giving our feelings more power and less review, we need to review our feelings and see what thought caused these feelings. Instead of just believing our feelings to be true.What if you feel fear, because you are doing something new- does that fear always mean that you are doing something wrong or that you made the wrong choice? No fear is just a sensation in your body letting you know you had a thought.What if the ultimate goal was to learn to feel fear, instead of taking action out of fear and away from something new? What if the ultimate goal was to go toward something new AND feel the fear at the same time.What if fear was just a sensation in our body and it didn't mean anything has actually gone wrong. What if it was our job to learn to feel our feelings of fear and manage our thoughts about our fear AND go toward our goals.What if fear of failure was okay. What if you could have the fear of failure AND still take scary steps towards becoming successful. What if the only path to success was cemented with failure and it was our job to learn to feel the sensations of failure without making it mean we weren't good enough or we weren't doing it right?what if fear wasn't a signal that something has gone wrong, but just a signal that you had a thought that needs some investigation.What if feeling fear during uncertainty was okay AND you didn't need to make uncertainty mean that you are making the wrong decision.What if all this fear - is just your brain's way of keeping you safe from uncomfortable emotions that come with letting go, moving forward or moving on? What if you learned to feel fear and let it be a normal human emotion that you sometimes feel.Our feelings are created by our thoughts. So go and check your thoughts. Ask yourself, is this thought even true? What if this thought wasn't true?Managing our mind and our life comes with learning how to feel any feeling as sensations in our body and not making it mean anything about our value, our worth or our potential. Feelings are just sensations in our body, they are just a signal that we had a thought.It's your job to go look over that thought with curiosity and ask how is this thought serving me? Is it keeping me quote “safe” is it keeping my brain safe by keeping me in old patterns?

On the way to work and wanted to share some road thoughts!

Learning to hold space for our kids. Learning that kids are allowed to feel their feelings, learning that their feelings are okay. Teaching our kids how to feel their emotions.When we learn to hold space for ourselves as parents, we soon learn how to hold space for our children to have emotions and feelings.The more our children learn to feel their emotions, the more their brain learns that these negative emotions are not a threat, the more that the brain learns they are not a threat the less impulsive they become, and same for parents and the more they learn to feel their feelings.

In today's podcast we are learning what it means to hold space for other people. Lately a common theme I see with my clients is this sense of needing to make other people feel better. So often we take on the responsibility to make other people feel a certain way… Sometimes this comes from a place of love (we just want them to not feel the way they feel)Sometimes this comes from a place of control (it makes us feel so uncomfortable when they feel this way so we need to make it stop)Sometimes this comes from a place of selfishness ( we want to feel better about something so we need them to feel better)So I want to teach you all a few things People are allowed to feel their feelingsPeople are allowed all the time they want not just need but want to take to process their feelingsPeople are allowed to not always be happy, joyous, content, etc it's actually normal and apart of the human experiencePeople are allowed to have their thoughts about your actions even if you didn't do whatever the thing is on purpose, it is their thoughts that create their feelings, and they are allowed those, it is not your job to control or change their thoughtsOf course you can apologize when you “hurt” someone's feelings or cause negative emotions, but you have to be doing it for yourself- not for them to change how they are feeling because you are not in control of themI also want to take about what I learned from my Teacher's Brooke Castillo and Kara Loewentheil- they taught me the concept of the Manual When we have a miscommunication with someone- we hurt their feelings or they quote hurt ours we have an internal manual that states what the other person should doThey should forgive me right away or they should change how they feel immediatelyThey should “know where we are coming from”Whenever we are “shoulding” someone else we need to take a look at our thoughtsWhy is it so important that they change the way they feel right away? What are we making their feelings mean about us? What are we making it all mean? What we have to learn to do is hold space for other people, their thoughts, their feelings and their opinions:What this looks like is creating space outside of us. Picture yourself with a belt on with water bottle holders, and inside each of those water bottles is the space for someone else.

They said it is your turn to be an example of what is possible.So in order for me to become an example of what is possible “I had to trust myself, trust the process, and decide to have my own back NO Matter how my decision turned out. Within a week of being home from Mastermind, I had decided to request a shared contract for the year 2022-2023, where I will have the opportunity to continue teaching 50% of the time and then I will have the other 50% of the time to create the solid foundation of my business.I decided to go ALL in on me, on MY DREAMS, and on my clients. I decided that it was time to be an example of what is possible. Am I scared, sure! Am I 100% sure I am making the "right" choice, NOPE but I am 100% sure that I am making the "right" choice for me, at this time in my life. I am 100% sure that I will have my own back no matter what, and I will do whatever it takes to get to where I am headed.During this process I realized that Accomplishing Goals is a mindset. It is not the action that we take, it is a shift in mindset and beliefAccomplishing goals is learning to create thoughts on purpose. Owning your own life. Keeping promises to yourself. Creating your plan. Your schedule and following it no matter what. Accomplishing goals mindset means planning ahead of time what I am going to do when I don't want to do the thing that will help me accomplish my goal. It's learning to feel uncomfortable emotions, its learning to follow through with promises that I make to myself. It's learning to say no to things that are no longer serving me. Accomplishing Goals and Going towards your dream. Building something from your brain, is a mindset of belief: My Life Coach Stacy Bohoem has thing thing called three stages of belief. And they are all thoughts: thoughts about where you are now, thoughts about where you want to be and thoughts about how where you want to be is inevitable. belief that you can do it, belief that it is possible, and then the confidence that it is inevitable. .Taking action towards your goals, even especially uncomfortable actions, takes a shift in mindset. It takes learning to trust yourself, learning to own your life with authority, and taking consistent action towards your goals regardless of what you'd rather be doing instead.It's learning how to use your higher brain, it's choosing consciously to plan ahead and follow your plan, to meet your goals.It's learning how to stop the buffering and numbing out of uncomfortable emotions.It's learning how to stop indulging in false pleasures that keep you numb and in the same place, even when you'd rather be closer to your dreams and taking actions towards them.It's learning how to hear what your brain is saying, it's negative chatter without listening to it and caving into his primitive requests to buffer, over indulge in any activity that takes you away from making progress towards your goal.So if you have dreams, if you have goals you have been putting off, here is your sign to go be an example of WHAT IS POSSIBLE, even when it's a little scary, even when you don't know THE “how”, but you know it is what you really want!If you want to learn how to be able to show up like this for yourself, to set goals and go after them. If you want to learn how accomplishing goals is a mindset then you need to set up a consultation and start my 8 week program, where it is tailored to your desired result, where I teach you step by step how to create a goal mindset learning to challenge your doubts and create self belief.. You can also email me: at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and say add me to your email list, I want a consult.

It is their love for me, their belief in me, that helps me talk back to my brain when it whispers all my self doubt. It is their support for me that allows me to have the determination to keep pushing through my brain's insecure chatter.Before thought work, finding self coaching, and hiring my own Life Coach. I knew my sisters "supported me" BUT I thought they were "judging" me way more than supporting me. I always had these thoughts about how they “didn't approve of me/ my choices” “That I wasn't good enough” ( which is a common thought error my brain continues to whisper to me, but now I call my brain out!).I was so worried about how my sisters, my parents, my family saw me and what they thought about my choices. My brain always generously gave me thoughts like “They are better than you are.” “They are perfect” “They make better choices than you do “ …. Basically they were everything I wasn't.Now I know, I was projecting my insecure thoughts and self criticism back onto me, but saying "they were doing it" when really it was my insecure. critical thoughts I had about myself.Thanks to life coaching, and awareness of my own brain, its thought patterns, and the errors it wants to feed me. I finally have the relationships that I have always wanted with my sisters, because I can now manage my mind, own my thoughts and own my feelings. Thought work has brought me emotionally, and mentally closer to my sisters, and for that I will forever be grateful.I now have the capacity: mentally and emotionally to hold space for my sisters to have their thoughts and feelings, and not make it mean anything about me. While also holding space for myself for when my brain wants to feed me unhelpful thoughts, I can talk back to my brain and really get to the bottom of it without all the mental drama, without arguing and fighting, without hurt feelings that lasted months and sometimes years. I have learned how to manage my mind Own my thoughts and my feelings, and I have learned how to let other people do the same.Thought work has given me the opportunity to be closer to the most important people in my life, without all the anxiety, overwhelm and drama. Yes it still happens, but it happens less often and with less intensity.It allowed me to see that what I thought other people were "thinking about me" or how they were "judging me" was really how I was judging myself. It has allowed me to take ownership for my thoughts and my feelings, and allowed me to be more open and honest in my relationships with family and friends. Giving me space to really see how much they really love and believe in me. Giving me space to see that my brain was what was holding me back and creating so much self doubt, in the disguise of "other people's thoughts and opinions of me".If you want to learn how to be able to show up like this for yourself, and learn how to manage your mind around family members. Then you need to set up a consultation and start my 8 week program, where it is tailored to your desired result, where I teach you step by step how to create emotionally healthy relationships with less anxiety and overwhelm. You can also email me: at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and say add me to your email list, I want a consult. Hey and don't forget to join my free facebook group!

What we think is happening versus what is actually happening. What we think we should do and what we actually need to do.We think we this is what is happening:Experience a circumstanceAttachment System TriggeredTake ActionWhat is actually happening:Experience a circumstanceWe have a thoughta. I'm not good enough/ they don't love me/ they are going to leave meAttachment System TriggeredWe have an uncomfortable emotionThen we take action to FEEL BETTERBUT WHAT WE NEED TO DO Experience a circumstanceWe have a thoughta. I'm not good enough/ they don't love me/ they are going to leave meAttachment System TriggeredWe have an uncomfortable emotionSTOP . PAUSE . Show yourself compassionOf course this is what is happening, our brain is giving us a lot of negative thoughts creating lots of negative emotions,Now pause... feel your emotion... label it ... label how does it feel, what vibrations do you feel in your body... NOW feel it, allow yourself to just sit with the fear/ rejection/ overwhelmThese are just negative emotions, nothing has really gone wrong our brain is just feeding us a lot of negative thoughts creating a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

This thought error leads us to indulging in false pleasures, taking action to feel better, to get out of the feeling which is only temporary. We stop going towards our dreams or our goals because it doesn't always feel good, so if it doesn't always feel good I am doing something wrong, which leads to us not taking the action that needs to be taken to reach our goal. When this feel good myth appears in our family dynamics, our work environment, our friendships or relationships, and we feel entitled to always feeling good and then we feel an uncomfortable emotion of: shame, rejection, judgment, failure then we think something has gone wrong, something isn't' working or the relationship isn't working, and we may start avoiding the people, blaming them, reacting to them. Instead of asking ourselves why are these feelings a problem? Instead of realizing that life is 50/50. 50% comfortable emotions and 50% uncomfortable emotions, and really seeing what is happening, we become reactive and impulsive, because our brain so badly wants to get out of these uncomfortable feelings. We stop showing up the way we want toWe blame others for how we are feelingWe avoid our feelings so we don't learn to feel all of the feelingsWe don't get to live the entire human experienceWe don't self reflectThose of us with anxious attachment have a hard time processing when things quote go wrong or don't feel secure. Our nervous response system really triggers and our amygdala gets activated and our prefrontal cortex goes offline, and it's so important that we notice this about ourselves. So that we can jump in, especially when things pop up in relationships that we perceive as problematic. Learning to know that it's okay not to always feel “excited and immense happiness inside a relationship” and feeling sadness or uncomfortable feeling is part of the process. This thought error is also seen when we are are trying to reach a new goal, or develop a new habit or routine, then something makes us feel not happy, not motivated,we didn't follow the plan or our schedule, we got off track so this must mean “I don't really want it” “I am not supposed to do it, maybe it's just not for me”We give up when we feel an uncomfortable emotion of: shame, rejection, judgment, failure, then we think something has gone wrong, or the goal/ routine isn't working. Instead of asking ourselves why are these feelings a problem? Why is it a problem that our brain is not motivated? Instead of learning that feeling unmotivated isn't a problem and its only our brain's way of conserving energy, and increasing pleasure. Why is it a problem that we don't want to do something new? What if us not wanting to do it was part of the process but didn't mean that we didn't have to do the thing that is new, hard and challenging and makes us feel all the feelings that we never want to feel? Instead realizing that life is 50/50. 50% comfortable emotions and 50% uncomfortable emotions. We learn how to show up the way we want toWe stop blaming others, or blaming our circumstancesWe understand how learning to feel all of our feelings actually gets us closer to our goal AND is part of the processWe learn not to resist reality, we learn not to buffer and numb which then allows us to feel the uncomfortable emotions BUT also allows us to feel the depth of comfortable emotions allowing us to live the entire human experienceWe become self reflect and push ourselves to feel these emotions AND take action anyways because we planned ahead of time that we were going to.Thoughts that my be helpful:We can feel UNCOMFORTABLE emotions AND STILL take the action we decided to take.

hat if, instead of shaming ourselves for not following our diet plan, for missing that exercise appointment, for not painting with our children or for not doing that 'pinterest' thing we wanted to do with our kids, we got curious and asked ourselves why. We didn't follow our plan? Why didn't we follow our schedule? How could we show up for ourselves with love and compassion when we are NOT perfect, but we still want to meet our goals, or be that person we want to become? We have to learn to get curious instead of criticizing. Criticizing does not get us closer to our goals. Curiosity allows us to show ourselves compassion while truly trying to understand what happened in our brain.I used to shame myself non stop, and saying things like "I'm just not a consistent person" "I'm not someone who could follow a plan" "If I really wanted it, I would have done it" "I must not really want it" "If really wanted it I would feel motivated and I would feel good about it all the time and it wouldn't be so hard"All of which were lies my brain was telling me to keep me in my comfort zone. To keep me stuck, keep me in my negative thoughts and create more negative emotions, which would not drive me to take the action required to meet my goals.So I had to learn to get curious, instead of criticizing myself. I had to learn to look at my thoughts and the emotions they were creating. I had to learn to feel the urge to NOT do the thing and DO the thing anyways. I had to learn that the URGE to NOT do the THING was normal and it didn't mean that I couldn't or didn't want to meet my goal, it was my brain's way of conserving energy and INDULGING in pleasure. I had to teach my brain that we are not becoming someone who feels our URGES but does not indulge in them."Brain this is who we are becoming! We got this"​​​​​​​ We can feel the urge to not do this and do it anyway.” “ We can feel the urge to not want to do the thing and not make it mean anything negative about us or about us reaching our goal.If you have goals that you want to learn how to reach, if you have goals that you need help developing beliefs around then my eight week 1:1 coaching program is for you!We work on our thoughts and our beliefs around our goals and around who we 'believe' we are, and how sometimes those beliefs are actually holding us back.If you have goals that you want to learn how to reach, but you have anxiety around failure and not doing it "perfectly" and you need help developing beliefs around the truth that you can cope with failure AND accomplish your goals, then my eight week 1:1 coaching program is for you!We work on our thoughts and our beliefs around failure, around being perfect and doing it perfectly. We work on what it actually means to make progress, and what progress actually feels like. We uncover the "feel good myth" about our goals and how those beliefs actually hold us back.If you are ready to make a change in your mindset and accomplish the goals you want in life: Register for my 8 week program AND sign up for a consultation. Let's get started!

When our focus is being perfect, we no longer leave room for risk even “calculated risks” so we stop ourselves from reaching our potential. We may not even attempt to set goals, or we start goals but never see them through because they didn't go quote as planned.Not only does it hold us back from setting, and reaching our goals, it also stops us from being able to have a genuine loving relationship with ourselves and others.We don't allow ourselves to be human, we beat ourselves up for “not being productive” for feeling “unmotivated”, “lonely”, “weak”, “unhappy”, “depressed”, “anxious” the list goes on and on. When we don't allow ourselves room to feel emotions while criticizing ourselves we start resisting our emotions, when we start resisting our emotions we begin the long cycle of buffering, and numbing out of our feelings. Then we become so detached from our body, that we no longer are able to connect to how we are feeling, because we spent so much of our life trying not to feel. The thing about feelings though is one way or another they demand to be felt, either in small increments as they arrive or a volcano of emotion after time of being suppressed, not one easier to feel than the other, however one is easier to manage.Why do we need to feel our feelings? IF we spend so much time numbing the uncomfortable emotions, we don't realize it but we slowly begin to make it harder to feel the good and exciting emotions. We end up dialing down all of our emotions.What if we get to decide that we don't have to be perfect, what if we get to decide that we would rather live a full life and go after our dreams and goals. What if we weren't scared of who we really were, because who we really are is amazing and is worthy just as we are. What would you try to do or goal would you attempt if you thought “It might be possible, AND you didn't have to do it perfectly?”What relationships would you learn to say no to?What friendships would you allow yourself to set boundaries?How would you show up for yourself and others if you didn't feel the need to control everyone's feelings? What pressure would be taken off of your shoulders? Because remember, YOU do NOT control other people's thoughts and feelings, I know this is hard for perfectionists and quote “people pleasers” YOU CAN NOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, or BEHAVIORS.What would you do differently if you allowed other people to be responsible for their own thoughts and feelings and you allowed yourself to ONLY be responsible for your thoughts and feelings?I know that if I never found thought work, if I never found coaching my inner self would still be knocking to come out, and I would still be doing everything to keep her quiet and in the closet. No pun intended. I know now that I am worthy, and who I am is beautiful, and I have so much to offer this world that I wouldn't be able to give if I was who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I would be a totally different person that I am not too, because who I was back then, was a person created from fear, self criticism and constant comparison. So I hope this podcast helps you to learn to love yourself, exactly as you are, or who you are meant to be. May you learn to observe your thoughts, and feel your feelings, and be in awareness of why you do what you do. If you want to dig deeper and learn how to do this work, this deep work of undoing the learning of being a perfectionist or a people pleaser than my 8 week 1:1 coaching program is for you. I tailor the program to your needs, so that you can get the result that you want. So go over to IG, add me Taking Back Her Brain and dm me your email address, or go to the link in my Instagram bio and set up a consultation call. I can't wait to work with you and do this deep work in learning to love you and show the world exactly who you were meant to be.

Remember when emotions are high, our intelligence is low. What that means is when emotions are high our primitive brain has been activated and our higher brain has LITERALLY been taken off line. So if we choose to immediately respond our response will not be using our higher brain and we may not show up the way we want to for ourselves or our partner. So I always believe in asking for processing time, and honoring someone else when they ask for processing time.When we have and allow processing time we are giving both parties the time to CHOOSE how they want to respond and how they really want to show up for each other and for their higher self. When we practice feeling uncomfortable emotions while we hear what someone has to say about us or an experience they had with us, we are teaching our brain that its okay, and that we are going to be there for it no matter what, that we are not going to make judgemental statements back to ourselves, we are not going to go on the negative train ride, we are going to allow negative emotions without making it mean anything about us. Someone can have thoughts and feelings about us and we do not have to make it mean something morally wrong. We can take the pressure off.

Full PDF of PodcastNow onto the confirmation basis- those internal beliefs that we have deep down that are normally triggered by circumstances that challenge our value or worthYou are going to be alone foreverWe both know you won't be alone forever, if you put in the work to heal, to date again, and be open to the opportunity to find love and be open to the opportunity of someone loving you, you will find it.You will be single for the rest of your lifeAgain, you will only be single for the rest of your life if you keep fighting the reality that your relationship is over and that your ex has moved on, when we reject or resist our reality it keeps us from moving forward to the life that we deserve. So I will practice the thought: I am open to the reality that my ex has moved on, I accept the reality that I am single, I am open to the reality that I will find someone who is open to love me and whom I am open to loveIn the beginning I try to make this personal narratives as open/ kinda neutral - so that I make sure it is something that I truly do believe is possible, because a thought is not helpful if we can't believe it.Love is hard for you Love is not hard for you, letting go and moving on is hard for you, accepting reality is hard on you, love is actually really easy for you. You love love and you love being in love. I am open to accepting my reality and not resisting my path that I deserve.You can't ever find a partner who stays. So, what if you haven't found a partner that stays? Would you want to be with the wrong partner? Just because you have not found a partner that stays or that you have not had a relationship not end doesn't mean anything about you or about your future relationships. I am open to finding a partner on purpose, I am open to finding and developing healthy relationships in hopes that it will be a lasting relationship.You are not enough for a partner. So what if you have not been ‘enough' or been the ‘right' partner for your past partners? This doesn't mean that you won't be enough or won't be right for a future partner. Remember your value is not tied to your relationship status. Your value is in your soul and you have unconditional love and value. You are enough for yourself and when the partner that is meant for you arrives you will be enough for them.We are rewiring our brains, we are taking them back from the break up, we are no longer going to resist reality. We are going to feel each feeling that comes with accepting the reality, the sadness, the rejection, the disappointment, the fear, and we are not going to make it mean anything about us or who we are. We are going to remind our brain that this is when it is hard, this is when negative emotions are hard to feel, and that they are heavy, but it won't last forever and nothing has gone wrong with us. We can feel all of these emotions and know they are just sensations in our bodies, they can't harm us, only if we try to resist them does it harm us as it continues to take us away from the present moment.So we are going to feel our feelings with love and understanding. We are going to take back our brain with compassion, by accepting reality for what it is and being open to what the future holds all the while remembering that nothing has gone wrong, you are loveable, you are worthy, you are of great value, and you are open to the opportunity of having the relationship that you desire.

Developing a secure base also comes with understanding that we CAN cope within ourselves, we can support and comfort ourselves, we do not have to seek it outside of ourselves. After we practice comforting ourselves it gets easier, but often you will find yourself running that negative narrative sound track that is comparing you to everyone one under the sun, and thats when you have to stop and remind your brain that we are doing things differently now. Develop Secure Self Love does not mean that you love yourself in every second of every day. It means that more often than not you are showing love, care and support to yourself. It means that more often than not you are stopping the negative narrative that is your current sound track. It means learning to love all of you, even the parts of you that have been the hardest for you to accept. It takes practicing, it takes journaling, it takes reminding yourself that you are inherently worthy. You are loveable just as you are, it means that no one can change your lovability. You are inherently worthy. You are inherently worthy of love. So we have to rebuild the relationship with ourselves so that we can become that safe person for ourselves, we can develop that safe haven within ourselves, and develop that mental idea of proximity to ourselves (this is visualizing people we are close to and who we see as a secure person) . Having a secure base inside ourselves means no matter what we will have our own back.This also looks likeAccepting that sometimes our thoughts are going to activate our primal panicLearning to feel all of our feelings, with curiosity and not self shameLearning to love ourselves through our primal panic so that we can feel our emotions and ask ourselves hard questions like, “could there be more to this than what my brain is telling me?” “ How can I see this a different way?” Asking ourselves hard questions that challenge our inner belief, our inner narrative about how loveable we are It means Loving ourselves in spite of whatever we think needs to be fixed about us, and learning that we are exactly as we should be, and loving ourselves through all of our emotions.It looks like owning our attachment style- our responses, validating them while learning how to PAUSE feel our emotions, and choose on purpose how we want to react, how we want to response, and how we will love ourselves through the feelings so that our brain learns to trust us, to develop that secure base. Journal prompts:What thoughts do you currently have about yourself? What thoughts do you have about self love?How do you show yourself Compassion? Do a thought download… you may have surface self love, surface self compassion, but deep down, what are your core beliefs about you and love, about you and relationships? How do you feel when you are alone? How do you feel making plans for yourself?Get it all out… write it all down… it is only when we know our current thoughts and beliefs about yourself that we can begin to change it.

When we are living in emotional childhood we are not owning our attachment wiring, we are not stepping into awareness of how our primal panic affects our reactions, or we don't acknowledge how our selective feedback, selective memory and selective interpretation may be influencing how we are currently perceiving our partners words/actions. So what does this mean? This means we have to learn how to develop Emotional Adulthood. We have to develop skills and strategies for when our primal panic is activated.What is emotional adulthood?Emotional adulthood is when we take responsibility for our thoughts, our feelings, or actions and we practice being aware of our attachment system triggers and our response to it. It's when we take responsibility for developing our new belief systems. It takes back our power. Learning how to love ourselves, be there for ourselves and not make someone else's actions or reactions to us mean anything about us as a person or our worth. Emotional adulthood is when we are able to learn to hit the pause button, set away with communication: I need a minute, I can feel my body and brain want to react a certain way but I want to choose how I show up so I am going to walk away for a minute. Emotional adulthood is learning to think, act and feel on purpose and allow others to do the same. We no longer take ownership of how someone else feels. We no longer think we can earn love through actions. We no longer lose ourselves inside of a relationship because we need to “prove” that we are all in by being overly committed to someone else and loosing our commitment to ourselves. Emotional Adulthood is learning to develop a relationship with yourself that looks like learning to feel all of our emotions. It is learned to allow them, even when it is the last thing we want to do, trust me sitting through anxiety is one of the hardest emotions for me to sit with, I have learned that this may be my life's work, to learn to sit with my emotion of anxiety, but I am going to continue to work on it and I hope you do to.It's learning to develop new core beliefs that serve you in developing healthy relationships.Developing Core Beliefs takes practicing new neutral thoughts on purpose. So if you have the belief you are not loveable. Even practicing to some people I am loveable, will slowly allow you to change it to I am loveable. If you have the core belief, They will always leave and you change it to “Some people will stay” it will slowly allow you to change it to “the person for me will stay”. I will never find someone who can love me. Practice “ There are some people who could love me”, to “there are an infinite number of people who could love me”Remember practicing self love and self compassion when your primal panic is triggered: looks like, you showing up for yourself, you acknowledging your brain patterns, feeling your emotions, and then choosing how you will respond or react. It does not look like judging yourself, comparing yourself to securely attached people, or calling yourself negative names like “too much, too needy, or crazy” .When we are walking around with these yucky core beliefs that don't feel good, we do not show up confidently, we do not show up with feelings that will emulate that we love, trust and care about ourselves and as a result we do not attract those that will love, trust and care about us. So if you want to feel confident, if you want to feel secure, if you want to learn that you will choose a better partner for yourself, one that you DO ACTUALLY deserve, then it starts with practicing new thoughts, new thoughts consistently practiced become new thought beliefs, new thought beliefs eventually become core beliefs. This takes LOVE and PATIENCE and CONSISTENCY.

So now that we know this is what we experience when we have the Thought “they are rejecting me” or the thought “ they are going to leave me” or “they don't love me anymore” ect, all of which create the feeling of instant panic and anxiety, creating the actions of: texting, non stop, calling, ruminating on negative self perceived thoughts, and then we create the evidence that they are rejecting us, while we are actually rejecting ourselves, and abandoning ourselves, and not showing ourselves what we need in this moment. So we have to practice pausing when these thoughts and emotions arise, and learning to become aware of them. Once we are aware of them we can start creating a new relationship with our attachment style.We need to validate our brain, of course it is reacting this way, this is what it is used to- I say Hey Brain I see you, I hear you are scared or anxious about these circumstances but I am here for you no matter what. Brain there is a possibility that you are not a reliable source of truth at this moment. So I am going to practice the thought “My primal panic has been triggered and I am going to take a moment to do a thought download and see what is really going on here” The important component to remember is that we developed certain habits to help protect ourselves so when looking at ourselves and understanding what we are experiencing, we should always have compassion for our experiences, our reactions as they were developed to protect us, even the intensity we feel , is our brain's way of saying “Hey I need help here” “if you're not here for me I might die”. So we have to be there for ourselves during these moments. To become more aware and get to know yourself, or develop a more secure system, you have to have your own back. You have to show your brain that you are there for it, that you understand what it is going through, and you love yourself no matter what. Having self compassion when your brain cycles through these patterns allows you to still feel your emotions which is an important part of letting your brain know that nothing has gone wrong, resisting the cycle will not stop the cycle, it will only prolong the anxious emotions, and create more mental drama. So practicing thoughts like “these are the moments when my brain feels like I am being rejected so I am going to remind it that I love it and that nothing has gone wrong.” “ These are the moments when I feel unloveable so I am going to tell my brain that I am open to the possibility that I am loveable and my brain is not showing me accurate memories, and nothing has gone wrong,”This will allow you to feel the anxiety, accept it, then process the thoughts you are thinking and decide if you want to keep those thoughts, if they are not serving you then you can change them. Some Guiding questions are: What do we make it mean when someone wants to do something without us? Why do we think it is a problem to develop our own hobbies? Why do we think it is a problem to spend time alone to develop our own passions? Why do we feel rejected when a partner wants to spend time away from us, what are we making it mean?Why are you so committed to the belief that you are unloveable?Why are you so committed to the belief that you have to hustle for your love?

So if you are a person who identifies with these attributes of dismissing attachment style, what can you do to develop a more secure attachment?If you are a person who recognizes these traits in yourself and you want to experience the closeness of a relationship you first have to start recognizing when you are avoiding, resisting, or actioning over your emotions. You have to notice when your emotions go offline. Then you have to relearn how to actually feel your feelings. Start by learning what the vibrations feel like in your body. Then label it. Practice this over and over again… You have to teach your brain that emotions are not harmful and they will not kill you. Your brain has worked your entire life to learn how to “detach” turn off your emotions. So this will take time and practice.Learn to validate your feelings, once you learn that you do indeed have feelings, all range of feelings, and that you do feel them. Then it is time to validate them, how do you validate your feelings, you learn to feel them and then sit with them and allow them. Allowing your feelings is how you validate them. This practice also teaches your mind that you can feel feelings without needing to detach or deactivate your attachment system.Learn to recognize when you are distancing yourself from someone, when you are starting to distance yourself from a partner, your brain is so wired to not be let down later, and you have a deep fear of being rejected, that you have learned the best thing to do is distant and move on, go do you.So if you are dating someone and you try or make attempts to be there for them and they back away it confuses you as to why they are detaching instead of softening to your attempts to be there for them but this is their pattern in their head to help them quote survive and they become more distant appearing to be emotional distant and disengaged. He fears being rejected, unable to act on need for closeness, Neither autonomous or able to feel closeness.So if you are a person who is dating a person with dismissive attachment, what can you do?You need to make sure that you are working on developing your own secure attachment qualities, that you are taking the time to develop an inner secure base within yourself, and that you are doing the deep work on you, because you are going to need your inner belief to be grounded, your inner value and worth to be rooted in self confidence, so that when your partner starts to distances themselves from you, you are able to have enough self awareness and relationship awareness to know, their actions do not mean anything about you. Them distancing themselves away from you, them being unable to appear bothered by a problem ( you know show emotion) in a tense situation does not mean they do not care, it just means that you are dating a person with dismissing attachment and they have learned that they way to survive is to not feel emotions to deactivate. It just means that they have deactivated their nervous response system. It doesn't mean anything about your worth, or even how they feel about you.So you have to learn how to manage your own mind, recognize your own attachment response tendencies, and own ONLY your thoughts and emotions, and your actions.You have a choice too, once you recognize the qualities and traits of someone you are dating, you are allowed to choose that these qualities and traits do not work for you, without any brain drama, you get to decide what you want in a relationship. With this being said you are also allowed to accept someone for exactly who they are, love them and choose to not be with them. With that being said you are also allowed to give someone the permission to be the human they are, their nervous response system and all, and choose to develop a more secure attachment within yourself and still date this person.

Taking back her brain from Insecure Attachment Part 2Hey there and thank you for joining me today for Taking back her brain from Insecure Attachment. This podcast was inspired by the book Insecure in Love by Lesile Becker-Phelps. If you don't have it you should definitely get it. I recommend reading Insecure in Love and doing the exercises if you want to have a deeper understanding of your own attachment style, as some people have attributes of more than one attachment style. On last week's podcast I introduced words to know about Insecure attachment, how it affects our brain and what these behaviors look like. Today I am going to be talking about what Preoccupied Attachment Style is and what it looks like.Well if you are like me and the other 40% of the population who experiences insecure attachment here are the three different types: Preoccupied Attachment, Dismissing Attachment, and Fearful attachmentPreoccupied Attachment- This attachment style is when you find yourself desperate for love, those of us with preoccupied attachment look for our worthiness outside of us, and we are only worthy when we are being loved or in a relationship. We look to our partners to show us or reassure us that we are worthy of love. We may have surface self love, but we have inner beliefs that we are not worthy of love, and that once someone really knows us they will leave. Unfortunately these inner beliefs mess up our reality, as our brain looks for evidence that these subconscious beliefs are true. These underlying beliefs mess with our interpretation of a partner's affection or attention.One of the challenging aspects of Preoccupied Attachment is that we are so desperate for love and affection but once we receive it we don't know what to do with it because it doesn't fit our self concept- or our self- perception: that no one could ever truly love us. Once someone truly loves us, they will leave. (this is what our brain is constantly scanning for, evidence to prove this belief true)I am going to pause here and share strategies if you notice that this is you:Our first step in developing a less preoccupied attachment style is to discover all these beliefs we have around us and around our lovability. Then we work to develop a new self concept around our worthiness and our lovability, however we can't do this until we practice noticing what thoughts our brain is offering to us, and what evidence we are constantly looking for:Are you constantly looking for evidence that your partner is losing interest? That your partner is rejecting you? That your partner is going to leave? That your partner doesn't really love you ? Write down all of your thoughts about you and your ability to find love or be loved.Journal Topics:What if I told you right now that you are inherently worthy. You can not action your way to being loved. Self Love and Love from others is all an inner belief, and is created by our own thoughts that we have about ourselves and we have about our partners. So what thoughts do you want to believe about you, your lovability, and worthiness? How are you worthy of love? How can you start to develop a self love concept?

Do you have anxious/insecure attachment style? Than this podcast is for you!

On today's podcast I am going to be talking about my favorite topic… Feelings…This week I want to talk about how important it is to feel our feelings, but not only our feelings but urges. Learning to allow urges. What is an urge? a strong desire or IMPULSE to do something…I learned that in order for our brain to 1) increase pleasure, 2) decrease pain 3) conserve energy it provides us with - thought errors- these are thoughts or narratives that are not actually true BUT serves the primitive brains purpose to increase pleasure, decrease pain, or conserve energyWhen our brain provides us with that thought error- we don't even hesitate we just respond on autopilot. We don't question that story, we don't doubt it, we just instinctively indulge in that urge, or desire. That desire/ action increases false pleasure and we get a hit of dopamine.We call it false pleasure because most of the time an urge is our brain's way of “getting out of feeling uncomfortable, or doing something that gives us instant pleasure but isn't what our future self really would want. “When it comes to urges our brain creates “false desire” - a desire we weren't even thinking about but because it's there we do it, it's a false desire from our primitive brain that it goes against our intentional deeper desire for the results we actually want.An urge- a false desire - is- doing something that “feels” good in the moment but doesn't match the results we want in the long term.Another sneaky thing about an urge is that most often we are unaware of what we are doing, because our brain has trained us to “react to the want” without thinking, without questioning. Sometimes we don't even realize why we are doing what we are doing.An urge is an emotion followed by an immediate reaction that has not always been thought through.

Welcome to Taking Back Her Brain with LoveOn todays podcast we talk about our thoughts, how they become our beliefs, and why its so important to be aware of our thoughts as they create our feelings and drive our actions, our thoughts create the results we have in our life.Podcast Script

Well if our thoughts create our feelings: what kind of feelings do these thoughts create ? If our feelings drive the actions that we take, what actions do you take when you feel inadequate, not enough, hopeless or defeated?I can bet that the actions you take from the feelings of inadequacy, defeat and hopelessness are way different than the actions you would take from a feeling of sufficiency, abundance and hope.The most powerful and influential tool we have are our thoughts and our thought beliefs. So what if there was enough? What if there was more than one person in the world who could love you? What if you could make more money? What if wanting to make more money wasn't selfish ? What if you had exactly the right amount of time and energy and the only thing holding you back were your thoughts?

Taking back our brain from our expectations of others and what we make it mean.

Circumstances are neutral, it is our thoughts about them that make them anything other than neutral. Our thoughts create our emotions, not our circumstance, or thoughts not anyone else's create our emotions.

Emotions are just sensations in our body! We need to relearn emotions and start labeling them as comfortable and uncomfortable, and we need to learn that we can feel them, and not have to react!

Learning about the brain is so important, understanding the primitive brain and the higher brain will change your life! www.takingbackherbrain.com Website