My personal pensieve

Original recording 20200306. I was working everyday for a month ish sometimes starting somewhere and ending elsewhere. I learned being tied to a corporate inbox induces a lot of anxiety. I also learned that even though I am responsible, I don't enjoy always having work stuff on my mind when I go home. I do, however, enjoy tormenting myself about audio, overlays, etc, trying to make myself and my twitch better. My heart has to be in it or a task becomes mentally overwhelming. Typically, my heart is my compass. I am unfortunately a very emotional person. I am still practical, btw: but I have to feel strongly to take action. I talk about the 'rona, my agitation with people not washing their hands enough and/or properly, being frustrated with myself for window shopping when I shouldn't be, money, being worried about disappointing others, trying to find balance in work and being able to stream, loyalty, doing things my heart isn't in or I feel I have no natural talent for and am also am not learning fast enough (imho) when the field is faster paced. I probably won't feel comfortable financially to try full time come September (and as of now: May 27 am working on learning alternative income sources), but I want to still strive for Full Time. I am no therapist. Some origin story stuff near the end. I am just sharing my feels in hopes it is entertaining or relatable, but mostly to track where I was at whatever point in time. I hope we can all work through challenges we are facing. Let's be good to ourselves

Jan Timeline Emo - super emo - Got sick - Got sicker - Finally got a little better - Saw seventeen - Saw friends get married Need to do a lot of things: Stretch more, learn guitar~ Inspired by Andrea Boccelli's interpretation of Ave Maria. Trying to embrace my journey this year And not dwell too much on the Possibility I will have bad luck because it is my animal year D: "Omg health is so important Especially if you don't have health insurance." No truer words. This episode was recorded PRE #corona #covid19 #c19 Everyone wash your hands thoroughly for twenty seconds, stay safe, and let's keep social distancing to help move the isolation train on its' way.

Went to the seventeen concert @saythename_17 instagram #NowSVT #OdeToYouwithSVT #세븐틴 Let's just call this episode #아주Nice Takeorey x Bellinissima For selective hearing @takeorey instagram His top 30 #kpop songs of #2019 https://selective-hearing.com/takeoreys-top-30-k-pop-songs-of-2019/ http://selective-hearing.com https://www.facebook.com/SelecHear/ http://feeds.feedburner.com/selective-hearing/kNfM @selec_hear Twitter @selechear instagram https://www.mixcloud.com/selechear/ https://soundcloud.com/selective-hearing-254874192 https://www.youtube.com/user/selechear I like #bts #behindthescenes stuff and broll, so for me Uploading an unedited podcast Is totally my style. Plus, I never edit my stuff. The one time I tried, I deleted the whole recording on accident. I need to be better with my phone. 세븐틴 정말 고맙습니다 "고맙다" 너무 너무 기쁜해요. It was "아주nice"

S2 E1 episode00036: the episode that was supposed to be the first of the year but I need to learn how to change dates for anchor drafts. Biggest takeaways:

More minimizing. For real this time. Why? I am living the scenario, "if you had to hand wash clothing and linens, would you have as much or would you let go of some stuff?" I am in the "let go" camp for this one. Also, it's interesting that washing machines have prop 65 warnings and even more interesting when you DM or email companies asking about what is it that might cause cancer or other reproductive harm, they tell you to refer to the prop 65 website. It isn't the most useful website. https://www.p65warnings.ca.gov/products-places Why can't they just tell us what the chemical is and what kind of exposure to said chemical 'could cause cancer, birth defects, or other reproductive harm.' A washing machine did not fall into any of those categories. Anyway, as this is likely the last audiodiary entry of 2019, I wanted to list recommended books/audiobooks and podcasts that I enjoyed and/or played/read more than three times. I am currently listening to Tony Robbins' Money: Master The Game. I def have to listen a few times to have it really sink in, but it makes the topics of money and retirement more approachable and less intimidating. Also, Molly Burke's It's Not What It Looks Like. A differently abled young woman living in a ableist world. If you thought you had a good grasp on accessibility it might open your mind to challenges you may not have even thought of. She is funny, bright, and real. I love when authors narrate their books. I bought both the audio and digital copy of The Try Guys' The Hidden Power Of Fucking Up. It was on heavy rotation for a while. Digital copy has cute photos of the guys. The Minimalists' Essential. I am probably not correctly citing these books. (One of the Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn, offers writing workshops to help folks find their writing style, but I think about citing now that I am writing recommendations on books and podcasts). The Minimalists, Paula Pant's Afford Anything, NPR's Wait Don't Tell Me, NPR's It's Been A Minute, The Artist Athlete, and Hideaway Circus are podcasts I always enjoy. Other audio books on the list: Adam Grant's Power Moves, Gabriel Wyner's Fluent Forever, Chris Voss' Never Split The Difference. Book I haven't quite pushed past the intro but very interested in: Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton's The Ethical Slut (3rd edition). I highly value minimalism, zero-waste, creativity, aerial, realness, accessibility, meaningful relationships, personal growth and personal finance. Thanks for listening to the audio diary. We will continue in 2020. Til then I hope we all keep on keepin' on in our personal journeys. Stay hydrated!

Vegas happened basically right after Dallas. Talking about blues grass band The Dead South, doing Vegas somewhat affordably, heart health and THANKSGIVING. Aside from history I hope we take a pause and think about what we are thankful for vs what we don't have. I am grateful for the opportunity to hang out with Momo and see a band she loves and learn about The Dead South and Blue Grass via experience. We weren't able to see Le Rêve, Atomic Saloon, Miss Behave Gameshow, Absinthe, Zumanity, or Opium but you can only do so much in so many evenings. Let's be real. I am human, not bionic lol. We had a great time, got to stroll along the strip with beers in tow, and enjoyed each other's company. That is what holidays and traveling with friends is about. Togetherness. Having fun together. Learning new things about each other. Rolling with each others quirks. So grateful. Thanks for listening to my ramblings and experiences. I hope they give you a different perspective, a few chuckles, or both. Thank You! See you next episode! Ps this one is pretty long.

Personal finance youtube videos, moderate frugality, minimalistic approaches to budgeting, personal finance, and travel. Am I still paring down? Yes. Did I notice the Marie Kondo merch? Yes. Maybe she just likes tuning forks and crystals, y'all. I was a huge fan of rose quartz as a kid. Did I recently buy stuff? Yes. Base layers and rain pants. Xmas is covered, Base layers, rain pants, Laphroig Select, and the Vegas trip. In Dallas recording from my homie's couch, plans totally didn't go the way I had hoped, but tickets to a concert were resold so yay. Jay Park is #Sexy4Eva tour or not Hopefully m I will see him next time. Reselling tickets is stressful, especially when you didn't purchase the tickets. This week of travel is going to ruin how I eat usually ie like IDK how the food is sourced and also eating lots of pre packaged foods. I see a naturopath and keeping this in mind for my next visit in January because lots of things show up in my body scans. I purchased travel insurance for the Vegas trip. People say don't but I am flying with an airline where we got stranded for a day when we shouldn't have had any issues. We bought our tickets and the airline over sold the tickets. We missed the connecting flight due to this and no one told us where the gate was for the connecting flight. Today I am hanging with a college friend in Dallas and my GodCat Shinji and in Vegas I will be hanging with a college friend from Canada. Her and I met at our exchange program in Korea. First trip away from her kids since they were born so I am really hoping she has THE best time. We were messaging each other acknowledging we are having issues packing going out clothes. Me it's more like I have one bag. Do I WANT to being heels? Also, I learned last time: makeup isn't as necessary. Like, I thought it was like in Asia everyone wears their makeup and I felt the need to wear makeup. Then our trip happened for Big Bang and it just didn't seem like it helped more if we did or hurt us if we didn't. Sooo maybe no makeup? Maybe just lashes and lips? Idk? The rain pants I returned to REI are the Talusphere S Petite And bought the XeroDryGTX XS Petite. (I prefer the lining) Realized A lot of personal finance gurus/icons are very approachable human beings. Going to look up some audiobooks (I commute a lot) Look up Annie Margarita Yang "How To Save Money On Low Income" She goes into the why and offers solutions/methods.

Found an amazing article titled, "From Hoarder to Minimalist in 27,478 Insanely Hard Steps." I love articles about a person's journey and not just lists of what to do with out why. She has the why she has questions she asked herself to get to a toss or keep answer for herself. Step 4 of the Listicle. I read part of her question walk through. And further, you can apply this to memories that you maybe do not have good vibes from. Honestly I find it amazing. I LOVE IT. So happy I found this article. Did I give it applause? HECK YES. ALL THE APPLAUSE. Do I want to print the questions and tape it all over the walls!? YES. I wanted to share if people want a useful resource/exercise. https://medium.com/@jessibowtf/from-hoarder-to-minimalist-in-27-478-insanely-hard-steps-bbf12397981e?source=linkShare-14659ee706d9-1571792091

Very first: sorry for the pops. I was speaking directly into the mic. Sorry! Things I need to elaborate on or didn't happen in the episode: dad has Parkinson. I went to social media for assistance as I have no knowledge base and two friends came In with GREAT resources. I can't copy and paste but for those seeking there is a Houston Area Parkinson Society and the United Way of Greater Houston has links to support groups for care givers and receivers with Me tal and Behavioral health challenges. I feel my parents don't care enough a out their health. They have resources to be able to make small actionable steps into habits that improve their quality of life. But Dad doesn't do oral and written exercises that have been suggested. Reason being: it makes him feel dumb. He takes people's time and effort for granted when they make time to help him. His pride gets in the way. What is pride when you can't stand on your own two feet? He was able to stand and walk on his own in 2014. The past few years his health has greatly waned. Part is him and not wanting to try. Part is mom. A lot is their lifetime of not great eating and exercise habits (or lack thereof). Things compound over time. A lifetime of poor eating and activity adds up. I want them to care more about themselves, their mental health, their diet, and being more active in spite of it being difficult. Our friend passed. He was proactive about his challenge (diabetes), was active DAILY, Cared so much about his friends and their businesses, and also himself. Yet he still passed. It bothers me when someone is taking charge of their health, doing what they can to improve their quality of life, and is overall a really wonderful human and they pass away. There are so many folks out there that don't try or don't care enough. I want my parents to care more. To TRY. People do not change for others. Rom-coms lie, ya'll. I knew this as a 16 year old: people change for themselves. People change because they DESIRE change. They have to want it for themselves.

So obviously I wanted to do this closer to say, June versus it now being the cusp of August. Maybe not so obvious, but I really wanted to! Main inspo being my mom taking Dad to the hospital and today not being a day they had a check up. Me throwing out kabocha I think tasted off because of my own human error in prep. A charge on the one card I have that is pending but shouldn't even be pending in the first place because it should have not even been authorized. Finances: pretty rad. Supporting my artist friends and fandoms monthly even if it is tiny amounts. I believe in sustainable support. I spend up to 150 in groceries a month (up to), I can support people I believe in monthly for a few bucks. Mentally in a good place. Seeing my parents and trying to find support groups for mobility and senior care on facebook of all places because reddit has nothing for this. Streaming more on twitch and hoping to meet requirements for partner. Hoping everyone finds sustainable habits to prolong the best quality of life for themselves. We all age. But we can try to live our best lives for as long as possible. Health is so important. Mental, physical, all of it. I hope we all do what we can to adjust to life changes and have the best quality of life. Cheers everybody! I'll see you next time!

I realized I was clearing my throat a lot during this recording. I was probably still getting over it. So I lost my voice for four days. I was freaking out. That was a big part of me not recording lol. I had never lost my voice for that long. Meal prep: there were things showing up in my bio scan at the naturopath I am seeing. Due to that I decided to eat even cleaner. For example, the organic chicken thing. I know, I know. Here is more info on organic chicken: https://foodprint.org/eating-sustainably/food-label-guide/food-label-guide-chicken/usda-organic-chicken/. And better labels to look for when purchasing chicken in the us in general: https://foodprint.org/eating-sustainably/food-label-guide/food-label-guide-chicken/?gclid=CjwKCAjwr8zoBRA0EiwANmvpYJ5S_m18SmXLyqVPAyZED-dSb5GaWYoAe6Y7O3SmJXYbL_AGnChvfBoCoEsQAvD_BwE. Seafood: https://www.ftc.gov/sites/default/files/documents/public_comments/guides-use-environmental-marketing-claims-project-no.p954501-00152%C2%A0/00152-56693.pdf. Specifically what I was going by when looking for salmon: https://www.seafoodwatch.org/seafood-recommendations/groups/mackerel?type=atlantic&location=imported#tab=seafood-watch. If you are interested in my #zeroishwaste journey I have a twitter @zeroishwastelyf, instagram @myzeroishwastelife, youtube myzeroishwastelife, and domain myzeroishwastelife.com. Admittedly I will be more communicative via instagram if you want to reach out. Thanks for listening! Until next time! (I will upload within the next two weeks instead of two months).

So I do live a more minimal/zero-ish waste lifestyle. I have been really good about what I do and do not bring into my life: products mostly, people included. But that doesn't mean I don't ever want STUFF. My birthday is coming up and I have curbed the enthusiasm for a ball gown. That is an actual problem I have. I like ballgowns on my birthday. I want a lunya silk gown and robe, shaquda body brushes, leahlani face products. But I keep it in check. The lunya robe and dress would be about 5 days of work if I made 100usd/day. Or like 5 external hard drives. I usually reframe in hard drives or microphones lol. Or fitness equipment. Like stall bars range 300-500usd, an indoor aerial rig is 300-700usd ish, and a lyra is usually 300-500usd when I look. So is the silk worth it right now? No. Is it worth it generally speaking? YES. Do I still want it? YES. Can I wait? Obviously, yes. I am focused on my debt, funding my roths, getting that credit score up, and minimizing my possessions. I need to get that emergency fund up, too. My dad is improving but definitely the unplanned situation from last week and my dad's condition make me really think about how I am lacking in emergency funds. I have dresses I can wear for birthday shenanigans. I don't feel deprived. I am doing things for me. People sometimes don't understand my schedule and how much time I don't have for other things/people. But just because I lack a lot of free time doesn't mean I feel depraved or have fomo. If I prioritize you I see value in you and your company. For those who don't see the value in what you are trying to accomplish in your life: maybe they are not worth your time. If they don't give a fuck about the shit you are trying to accomplish, they aren't paying your bills or living your life. You are living Your life. No one else. People that give you shit about trying to improve yourself probably aren't real friends. Let's try to be compassionate and empathetic to others and ourselves. Thanks for reading/listening! I am @bellinissima at twitter/twitch/discord/instagram. See ya soon!

I have been gone off the podcast for two weeks. What happened? Three bills were paid off. Woot!

I have a long way to go. If you thought of the Cassie song, me too. Just thought about it. Went from 40k ish to now 14k ish. Of course there were missed payments along the way, various aprs, etc. I was juggling multiple payments on multiple days. Monthly. It was mentally exhausting and just added all sorts of anxiety. The feeling of drowning/suffocating in debt and the juxtaposition of the world carrying on in spite of my situation was constant. And then I found help. I got on a debt management program. And now there are less payments to juggle monthly. Basically no strange numbers calling incessantly all 24h of the day. I have peace of mind and I am slaying that debt! I was not sure of getting on a debt management program at first. I had heard of programs many times and it felt like a program that was being sold to me, like something I might not need and might be not legit. I was introduced to one and was still apprehensive. It took me a while to fully commit. And yea it sucks. Admitting that you made poor decisions to a stranger. Later realizing maybe if I chose this strategy earlier I would not have felt so awful for so long or I may have made way more leeway into my debt. Being transparent about ALL the debt. I was ashamed. In hindsight how I got into this mess was so dumb. So on top of the multi payments (pre debt management program), the phone anxiety, the overall feeling that people were after me, there was that shame I was harboring. So not only payment wise, but mentally I have also come a long way. So I feel for people that feel ashamed of their debt. How they landed in it, how it feels in it, the drowning/suffocating feeling, depression, anxiety. I get it. There is help. And we are the hardest on ourselves. Shit happens. The main thing is to learn from it and figure out a strategy to better ourselves and situation (without causing harm). Basic takeaway: I flushed out one bill of multiple. I celebrated with Snoopy happy dance gifs. I didn't bake a cake, go out for a fancy dinner, buy a ballgown, or set off fireworks. Staying in line with trying to save more in order to put what a save towards extra payments, I cooked a lot lol. So I have food for the week and possibly into next week. (I made a LOT of salad

So I made a promise to myself to take better care of myself. Skin, physical health, overall health. Admittedly, I am heavily focused on skin care. Been able to stick with more natural ingredients without compromising too much. Anyway. Part of that is becoming physically stronger, because being bendy isn't just about the stretching. You have to be strong enough to support yourself. I decided to take advantage of a park I live walking distance from (if I have time for a leisurely stroll lol, which I did that day), and the fact that they have some gym equipment indoors. I did my workout. Stretching, some machines, no rollers so I have yet to properly roll myself out. Idk where my roller went! D: Weighed myself. Thought about it but did it anyway. Still disagree with what it told me. I don't weigh myself Bc it can turn into a weird obsession with me And me constantly disagreeing with a device. But the thing is my goals are not weight based. I want to be stronger and bendier. I just know I sit usually around 120-122lbs so like 55kg ish. And I doubt I gained muscle weight any time recently. Or "happy weight" for that matter, since I am single lol. I walked in light rain, worked out attempting to wait out rain, but ultimately walked in the rain in my UNBEKNOWNST to me: ragged shoes lol Went home took a nice bath and mused over the coming week. I get to see Cirque Du Soleil's Luzia TWICE. Pps by the time this is uploaded (which is a week after the recording) Some of the acts were different and I had never seen slack line performed until two days ago. Happy Valentine's Day! I was really glad bestie enjoyed it!

This episode is a bit more ranty than the last few. So just a heads up. I have been working on making myself, I guess for lack of a better way to say it, a more optimal me. I have been googling foods beneficial for skincare and flexibility as those are my target areas. I am not trying to loose weight. And even though flexibility is a lot to do with physical conditioning, diet assists with that. Like anti inflamitories may be good things to look into. I rub just about everything in Tumeric anyway though, lol. I think I am not the only one who window shops for things they think they need to achieve goals. Although some things may aid in the journey (like crash mats or mats in general for exercise) I had to think about what I had already that could be used. This is not just for the fitness situation. When you apply for jobs you have to recall all your experiences and abilities. If you feel you are lacking usually you read, get training, find a mentor, etc. to bridge that gap. Based on what you can do now and what you have access to, you find a strategy to get to that next step. I was looking at what I have now. I searched for "Japanese diet" for skincare and based on blog posts I decided I to add more seaweed to my diet. I still have hijiki, which I use in soups. I have nori. I will eat that up and then focus on not seasoned seaweed. (I want to stay away from anything that may have salt added). I have matcha. I will drink at least one cup a day. I have been waking up earlier and going to sleep easier. I will set aside an hour window and do some stretching a few days a week. I felt the difference between lots of hydration and sub par hydration. I drink more water now. It took that day after drinking lots of water: where I barely drank water- to realize the difference. Some posts suggest take baths regularly. I usually shower but I can add a bath here and there. I actually love baths. Very relaxing. A lot of little things I can do today. I don't have to go buy more. I have been window shopping and holding stuff in the virtual cart, sure. But, I have been doing a lot with what I have. I hope we can all get super real with ourselves and figure out what we can do with what we have: skills, experience, insight, objects. Let's try our best to be kind to each other, the planet, and ourselves! Thanks and see you next time!

Streaming the other day was successful. No fuckboys or weird harassing comments. Weird and freaking awesome! Shoutouts to Ranma0005 for dropping into the stream btw. And he runs a tournament called Texas Showdown. If you play fighting games: def need to hop on that and register. Also if you like dbz you can follow him. Zendaisushi and wyld7 are bros from eme and biff is one of my convention bros and mac was a viewer retained from last week! So happy you all came by to chat. Also Kuya wes! Being more conscious of my skin and decided this year we are going to be better about taking care of my skin. Also learning and growing in knowledge applicable to streaming and investing into my IRA accounts. Hope we are all learning and growing. Not all of our goals are going to be similar to others. What matters is we do stuff for ourselves that enriches ourselves without hurting others or ourselves. If you are wondering about the spelling of the spa I went to it is akyish. They are pretty active on ig. And the facial at the time of this recording was $85 before tip btw

I am very aware of my ignorance. I have started asking some friends about what they are doing, and some regulars I feel close enough to to ask. It seems we are all similarly ignorant and not comfortable starting the conversation. Possibly because of our ignorance and not really sure of how to start a conversation or what to google. So before I recorded the body of this pensieve, I was feeling very uncomfortable still. I really had no idea of where to start and what to google. I had, here and there, googled terms I had heard from "The Stacking Benjamins Show" podcast. All in hopes of trying to expand my horizons and learn some stuff. Some of the stuff I googled, the jargon wasn't absorbing. I was annoyed I wasn't understanding the stuff I was looking up. But I have recently, in these first three weeks of 2019, looked up Paula Pant's blog. She is a guest on "The Stacking Benjamins Show" and has her own podcast, "Afford Anything." (Also, for the circus/aerial/artists out there she was a guest on "The Artist Athlete podcast.") I looked up the blog, signed up for the free pdf, started digging around, but yesterday I opened an email from her. "[Day 6 of 7] -- I Don’t Know How to Invest and I’m Afraid of Making Expensive Mistakes." Now, reading that doesn't make me an overnight genius. And I don't magically understand everything, bc near the end I wasn't absorbing that material, but I did understand better. And now I know exactly why I am very much in a Roth vs a Traditional IRA. It is a few baby steps in the right direction of educating myself. So I guess the takeaway is, for those of us who basically haven't thought (a lot) about retirement and are thinking about what that really means money wise as well as visualizing what everyday life will look like, better late than never. #CantStopWontStop. You have to think about it. We all do. Outside of money, what do you want to do everyday? Is it a sustainable lifestyle? Do you have enough for unexpected medical needs? Again, I have seen a wide range of 70+. My parents have a lot going on. Idk if this is a mirror, foreshadowing, or maybe I will be ok since I have fairly ok health imho. We share genetics so obviously I worry. I need to set financial goals or milestones. I need to get more educated. And I need to keep going. I can do it. You can too.

So, first off, HAPPY 2019! We made it! I will include what I purchased in the description. Ps keep in mind I obvi didn't fit all this stuff in a bag. I wore my jacket, only had one pair of boots. I bought the Ethique samplers but at the end decided instead of all three samplers, I chose a face soap, shampoo, and conditioner and packed it in a tin. I also broke a little piece of feminine soap and placed it in the tin. Spoiler alert I purchased a $300 jacket but decided to return it because it didn't explicitly say it was windproof. By luck I found a 3-1 jacket from Marmot and express shipped it. That is the one listed below in my list of purchases. Layer situation most days: base layer pants, fleece tights, windproof pants, for the bottom. heattech bra, base layer top, merino top jacket OR heattech bra top, base layer, merino base layer top, jacket. I did many returns. So this whole thing has been a lot of time invested in getting clothing that performs. I would rather pay up front to ensure my warmth and comfort than pay on the back end with cough meds, days not working and making income, and doctors visits. Seeing that the weather is still 30F to 66F in the same day somedays, purchases are still getting a lot of use. I still sleep in the thermals. Still going through the Ethique sampler. This list doesn't include stuff I had before the trip, like my deodorant paste, my Hesta menstrual cup, and my Thinx period panties (which I have gushed about in a previous episode for ladies curious about them) as I was anticipating my cycle. And my Hello Kitty Hat. Yea I spent a lot. My ticket was WAY less than all the stuff I bought to ensure I didn't freeze to death. Yes, about a 1000USD+ if we include tax and shipping. Proof that everything adds up lol. That doesn't include the time I spent hunting all this stuff down. Here is the list: Costco Kid thermal set 6.99 + tax (x2) Adult thermal top 6.99 + tax Adult thermal bottom 6.99 + tax Rei 3x Socks and gloves 97.77 Locks 10.77 Jacket 164.03 Rei merino pants 47.69 + tax Rei merino top 47.69 + tax Rei waterproof windproof pants 61.99 + tax Rei silk top 54.07 Sierra Trade Post Merrell Tremblant tall polar waterproof boots 99.99 + tax MiiR 32oz insulated howler 24.99 + tax Uniqlo Heattech sleeveless bra top (x2) 19.99 + tax Alexander Wang heattech bra (x3) 19.99 + tax Amazon Wet bags 12.99 + tax Insulated snow pants (decided not to bring) 29.40 + tax Diaper bag 19.99 + tax Bag sternum strap 5.97 + tax Fleece lined leggings 12.99 + tax Ethique sampler hair 15.50 + tax Ethique sampler face 18.50 + tax Ethique sampler body 16.50 + tax Trader Joe's Argan oil 7.57 Etsy QuUAOrganicHairCare Rose salve and Bergamot facial moisturizer 21.30 ButterMeUpIrganics 2oz sunscreen 10.95 SkinFoodByAB Lavender + honey organic lip balm 14.00 SkinFoodFix Femme soap 5.75 LandofAahsPerfume Yuzu & satsuma and smoke & mirrors 33.75

Health is cumulative. What you put in/on your body over time can positively or negatively affect you. Cancer on the other hand, from my experiences, is something like a random strike of lightning that gives no fucks about anyone, how well you take care of yourself, or medical history. My parents are aging and most of my 'free' days/time are spent at the house or running errands. My Dad isn't in the greatest health and doesn't have control over most of his facilities. His heart is remarkably okay though. The last few months in particular I was asked, told usually, last minute about appointments etc. I get it. Filial piety. But at the same time my life is more than work, my *seemingly* never ending donations, eat/sleep/laundry. I have goals and aspirations I am working towards. Step by step. It is also stressing me out that my mom constantly yells at him, using "I need to get his attention," as an excuse. Like all day long. She knows what he is and is not capable of, so why yell at him to do stuff you know he can't do or yell at him when he can't match your pace WHEN YOU KNOW he can't go the same speed? One day I won't be there to help pick Dad off the floor,put him in bed, go on never ending errands for Mom because she keeps adding stuff to a list she made up but never answers texts in a timely manner, or last minute drives to doctors appointments that eat up an entire, "day off." I am mostly tired of not being listened to, not having my opinions considered, and being asked last minute for everything. Takeaway: if you are in a family where your opinions are AT LEAST considered and valued: Know not everyone has that. Cherish it. Parents: tell your kids the "why" behind everything. Explain everything. Last time I checked: no one likes, "because I said so," as a reason. No one likes a dictator. If you are trying to change your life with some lifestyle/diet changes. Small changes are still changes. Nothing wrong with sustainable steps in a new direction.

I should do a blog post. I am going to NYC for a winter holiday. Every other time I have been to NYC was also during a winter holiday. I was freezing, shivering, and distinctly remember my beautiful cashmere long (heavy) coat DID NOTHING to help me from the cold. So, fully acknowledging my inability to retain heat and my living in Texas for over 90% of my life, this time around to avoid cold and/or soggy feet, shivering, and walking forever in heavy clothing: I decided to be super proactive. I really wanted to make the items in my closet work for me BUT I had been contacting friends from the NE US (who have been experiencing unusually harsh weather recently) and asked other Texans who have traveled recently or during winter and decided my clothing would either not be satisfactory OR in order to be satisfactory I would be bringing a lot. I want to minimize the amount of what I bring and also not wear too many layers that add weight. Walking around with 10lbs+ on the back gets exhausting. I did that in school. #NeverAgain if I can intentionally avoid it. Long story short: shopping my closet didn't work. As a native Texan who rarely goes somewhere with an ACTUAL winter I didn't have clothing with appropriate tech. My cold clothing works for Texas cold. I spent money upfront (and A LOT OF TIME for the boots) but I am at peace with my decisions. Why? Being miserable during a trip is terrible and fucks it up for everyone else, too. Like the time I lost my phone in Japan. Yea. You spend more time trying to find the thing(s) to make you comfortable, or that you lost, instead of fully enjoying the trip. Like extra shoes if yours break or get soaked or a waterproof jacket if it starts pouring. I will create a post on what I bought in hopes of helping other southern gals, but yea. My thermals as thin as they are, even rolled up, still take room. So I decided to buy a thicker (but lightweight jacket) that is warm, waterproof, has a hood, and has the pockets I originally hunted for even though it was a bit steeper than I would have liked. I don't have to do more layering this way. I plan on wearing two long sleeved base layers over a UNIQLO heattech bra top. I am all about eliminating a garment when I can! Bras take up a lot of space. The jacket doesn't explicitly say it is windproof... lol so we will see.

So a little background. I started in pole a few years back. And before starting: I did a lot of google-ing/research before eventually going to S Factor. I stopped for a multitude of reasons: the main being at some point my dad was in the hospital a lot and there just wasn't time with his hospitalization and my work schedule. But in my research I found Axis. And honestly they were what I wanted (They have aerial and a dedicated flexibility class) but it was a matter of distance/time/$$. So, yeeeeears later, while in a depressed funk, I decided to take the dive and try them out. I had my heart set on loving pole classes, but realized how much I enjoy, and also more easily grasp the concepts of, lyra and cube. Without listening to my broken, broken heart

I met up with a friend I had not heard from or seen in a while (outside of social media). He is in a good place in his life with career, money, relationships. I wanted to catch up. And maybe it was because my cycle was about to hit and I was super in my feelings, in combo with the impeccable timing: but he gave me this little pithy nugget that really resonated with me. Also I think it was mentioned in an episode of the 10% happier podcast. "Don't do damage." Basically do what you need to do. #YouDoYou but don't trample all over people or go OUT OF YOUR WAY to do damage. In this world of hate filled/racist campaigns/robo calls, and random or not so random acts of violence I wish the world would focus on more positive things and work to build each other up and do less damage to ourselves and this singular ball of gas we live on. I admit I have done shitty things as a younger person but The present me won't go out of my way to fuck other people's shit up. People can live their lives how they like. You can't change people. You can change yourself. And change who you surround yourself with. Also, who has time for that? No, seriously. I LITERALLY don't have time for that. Always be safe and mindful of yourself, your surroundings and those around you. But don't fuck shit up just to fuck some shit up.

So I will do an episode dedicated to my journey of alternative menstrual care another time but, yes, I use a menstrual cup. Today's mind dump is about my musings on retirement. I honestly am striving to learn more about what options I have available as I simultaneously combat my mountain of debt. I live with aging parents. I have seen a wide spectrum of 70. I don't want to be 70 without options, access to transportation, or resources necessary for surviving old age. Aging is a natural process. Most of us don't think too deeply about it until we are knee deep in it. #YoungForever. My mom consistently last minute asks me to take them to appointments. I am a crutch and taken for granted. Filial piety has it's moments. They haven't thought about a lot of what ifs. And that is most of the pyre that fuels this post. They haven't thought about what happens if I am not here. They haven't thought of alternative methods of transportation if Mom can no longer drive. Mom is like, "we'll cross that bridge when the time comes," In regards to most questions. I don't expect anything. Part of the reason why I am trying to get rid of excess is because I am playing with the scenario of this house being sold. And a scenario of me leaving and not leaving a mess of stuff behind. This is a long ways along, but I want to be able to leave with peace of mind. Less stuff = less stuff to manage or worry about or maintain. I live in a world of folks downsizing from massive houses for one reason or five others. Less stuff, less consumption, more money to invest, and most importantly: more freedom. Less burdens. So yea. Still trying to figure it all out. I don't want to be super unprepared for retirement. Also I am super proud of the line, "preparing for a future that likely has NOTHING to do with the person I'm having dinner with." Bc it's true. Anyone who has things to accomplish: don't feel bad about not being able to go on dinner dates. Nothing wrong with prioritizing a future that likely has nothing to do with them, anyway.

#tindertales and networking via dating apps. So when I first entered the foray of dating apps I had explicitly wrote I am on for "networking" and then networking was considered an ugly word. Which I never really understood. Maybe it was imagery of boring mixers where everyone eats hors-d'oeuvres chatting with the same people from last week's/month's mixer, not really making new connections or friends or anything really gets conjured up. Ps been there done that. And that was without a "good job" or career path. I later removed the ugly word but already knew by then (without reading or watching videos btw) that social media is what you make of it. Fuck all the people that think I am weird to utilize it to network versus catch stds/date. It not that weird. Best example being my trip to Japan during Golden Week 2014. But that will be another mind dump. Today's mind dump I delve more into utilizing dating apps for growing my friend group and reflecting on how practical it is. The more people you know the more likely someone has resources, experiences, tools to share that you don't have or that you seek. And you probably have experience, resources or tools that someone in your friend group also seeks. But without these apps and new friends I would have not been exposed to new podcasts, art styles, financial suggestions, vacation partners, food porn, etcetera. Always be safe. But sometimes #NoNewFriends isn't always the best policy. I know I have already eaten my words on that hashtag. Early post bc I made time to sit down and listen without outside noise, I needed the sugar in my system to chill out, and I wanted some alone time before work. Pps Happy Halloween and be safe! More treats than tricks, you know what I mean?

When I recorded this it was after meeting someone from one of the platforms I stream on. And meeting him at this place I was super aware of all the plastic involved and the likelihood of them not recycling. There are a lot of things with food biz where if it is possible it is definitely more challenging to be eco friendly and in a world of convenience there are lots of consumers not down with paying a premium for more green conscious packaging/items. Anyway It got me to thinking of why I even started on my minimalist/zero-ISH waste journey. And it is still a journey. And I still fuck up or feel bad like when I don't bring my utensils but on a whim decide to eat out. I am still making adjustments in my life and I still prefer to eat out for poke versus make it. I personally do not believe or strive for a completely zero waste life. For my lifestyle and current routine I do not foresee completely zero waste. But I do strive to be less wasteful. And do my best to not introduce more plastic into the house and not to be dependent on recycling programs since there is no guarantee recyclables get recycled. But anyway. This is about a 25minute listen. Save it for when you are stuck in traffic or driving 30miles. Thanks again for listening! Hope in some way it helps you or makes you chuckle. It's easy to be negative and react. I know from personal experience. Still working on it, don't worry about it. Let's go into the world and do our best to be our best selves. No one is living your life for you but yourself.

I have tons to resell. In fact I was trying to re go through things the other day in hopes it would be more enticing for shops to buy. For those looking into resell options, here is my personal account of the process. My opinion is my own and maybe we ll value time differently. But man I am tired of investing time for five bucks a pop or less trying to flip my super cute clothing.

I really am not sure if I mentioned it before but I seriously have a lot of debt for a person that makes less than 30k a year. Upside: plowing through it. But I had to change. I got on a debt management plan vs the juggling act I was doing for the past year+. And I made changes to how I spent and how I thought about money. What I was doing before wasn't working so I had to change it up to get results I wanted. I think that last bit can be applied to most aspects in life. I missed two weeks, but you will hear why in next week's episode lol. Thanks as always for listening to my rambly thoughts. Until next time!

So I stream on a few platforms, and to be super real it is in hopes of these folks following me to twitch. I am no where near going full time, but I do try to do a schedule. Mostly to train myself for when I do go full time. So on one platform I stream on people have been singing, and although irl I have no issue bursting into song, for whatever reasons it is very uncomfortable in stream. So I address that. I also cover encouraging others since in stream others talk about passions they are not sure of sharing or a desire to do a stream too. #DoYouBoo! Every experience is an experience. Even if the result isn't what you hoped for you learn something. You can adjust and try again or just realize that maybe it isn't for you. But we should at least try first and figure it out.

Mind dump on Poshmark (PS not in any way sponsored), Xander's first podcast episode of Exposed and his chat with Megan Bowen and discovering there is a way to get a green card in Korea as a foreigner, me realizing that I value freedom > stuff, and saying three scary words (er... Typing, in this instance) to someone you care about. Whew! That's a lot! Grab a snack or glass of wine, and enjoy at your leisure.

Musing over catching myself in the act of being bored and talking through it. It is actually me being annoyed by in app game trolls in Final Fantasy CV, but I mean people play however they play. I was mindlessly "watching" TV, much like my parents do and caught myself and decided to read a book I had been meaning to read. Ps I am not sponsored. The book is by Bea Johnson, she has a book on zero waste. She also has a ted talk floating on the interwebs, à website and is someone who didn't start zero-waste but decided to adapte a more mindful lifestyle. Meaning, it is possible. It is sustainable. And little changes are still impactful.

I talk about/through mobility and health and my perspective given my experiences living with aging parents and minimalism gets thrown in there, too. Super quick, bite-sized episode.

I go over my day, the voice chosen To read Fumio Sasaki's book, visualizing my closet and different options for selling all the clothing, etc.

Not sponsored btw lol I just like that EME lets you stream. Also, this episode of my personal pensieve touches on Asians in the media, where I am in my struggle bus journey in minimalism and some of the audio books I have downloaded to help me with perspective and the whole process. I want to reiterate that minimalism isn't about getting rid of all your crap, but for me and what I want to do it has a lot to do with trimming the fat and getting rid of stuff I don't necessarily need or use. Thanks again for sitting in! This episode is longer so if you are going on a long drive, get stuck in traffic or want something to doze off to.

I muse about my lack of consistency in social media posts and the consistency of myself and my parents in minimizing our possessions. At the root of it, I believe we just need the right motivation. If we need to go at a slow pace, who cares? Our lives are our own. Our journeys are also our own. Whatever wonderful positive thing You are trying to accomplish, I hope you have a great motivator and find a pace and method that works for YOU.

Today's pensieve is about my struggle bus journey with minimalism and the many pass throughs I have made combing through the wardrobe. Lately I have been stuck. And partially it is due to poor time management, still playing catch up with sleep from working world cup matches on top of compounding insomnia lol, and lastly not truly honing in on the me I want projected through my wardrobe. This isn't to say that I give two shits about what strangers think about me, but honing in on how I want to project myself will help me figure out the items to let go of. Ps if you want to read about my struggle bus journey into minimalism, I have a blog: bellinissima.wordpress.com.

I finally hopped back on one of my streams. World Cup kept me busy. It felt so good returning to something I really enjoy. I hope everyone can reclaim a their me time and themselves through whatever brings them unapologetic loud and proud joy. Ride that feeling. What do you unapologetically loud and proud love or love to do that makes you happy?

This will be one of the very few long plays. I was recording in my car to see how playback would be. A few regulars K (who moved to be with his significant human) and L (whose former significant human used to work PT with us) came by to visit and asked me about my love life... or as I like to put it "the lack therof" lol and this is me musing over it in the car. Enjoy! Other episodes will be bite size.