Parental Development

We're back, baby! We needed some time away for our own sanity, so now we're back and ready to keep sharing our conversations!Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations.In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a WON'T do. This helps me view them in a more loving, compassionate way, as opposed to simply getting frustrated about their behavior. We just CHOOSE to assume positive intent. This allows us to enjoy our kids as opposed to always being upset or believing such negative things about them and their behavior. It prevents us from having to chase their behavior and just look for ways to correct them on a regular basis. If you have a behavior you're trying to change or an issue you want to address, it is almost always helpful to include your child in this discussion and planning. You can communicate what you want to do and let them give ideas or communicate their thoughts and feelings about how things might be going. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, more than simply, 'because I said so.'Is there ever a time when digging in our heels to address a behavior is appropriate? For us, that is usually only appropriate if there's a safety issue. If you as the parent are digging in on other behaviors, that is almost always your stuff, your work to do, and your own history coming up within your relationship with your kids.  Our kids are not responsible for our stuff or our work, and responding to them in ways that are out of proportion with behavior and issues, is not theirs to take. This is what breaking generational cycles is really about.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens.Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting.If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and that all behavior makes sense, then it's impossible to truly expect "good" behavior all the time. It is necessary to lower expectations if we truly believe they are always doing the best they can.Many times parents shift the way we're practicing parenting (gentle, conscious, respectful, etc.) but we haven't shifted expectations at the same time, which makes it hard to make those two line up, and can lead to more difficulties feeling good about this approach and staying in the new kind of interventions.Sometimes we come up with reasons for requiring kids to live up to our expectations when really it's more that we just want them to do what we say or think they should do. Our kids will tell us, with their behavior, about the expectations we have for them. It's on us to listen to them, get curious about their behavior, and try to determine why they might be struggling consistently to meet certain expectations or follow through with certain tasks. Bottom line: an expectation is unrealistic if their behavior tells us they can't do it.Because we drop the expectations, it allows us to stop chasing behaviors, because we no longer expect near perfection from our kids and can instead become more of a coach and supporter as opposed to a task driver.Instead of identifying expectations, which are usually an either/or situation, what if we looked at this as goals, which is something we work towards together. As long as we have expectations for other people's behavior will always leave you feeling disappointed.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

The moral of this week's episode: Nothing matters other than your relationship with your child!What doesn't matter: grades; behavior; attitude; sportsWhat does matter: Our relationship  My job as a parent isn't to control my kids' behavior, get them to act a certain way, make sure they're making other people comfortable. It's to show them love and acceptance and show them what a healthy, loving relationship is supposed to look like.So much pressure is put on parents to make sure our kids act a certain way and don't get in trouble, which can feel really lonely and overwhelming. Our kids are not equipped to handle responsibilities that were never meant to be theirs. They're not equipped to handle other people's emotions, behaviors, reactions, or expectations. They have their own stressors, challenges, and needs that might already be overwhelming to them, so adding anything to their plate is virtually impossible for them to manage on their own.If you have a kid who's struggling - stop focusing on the behavior; shift your focus on the relationship. It can start to feel like the entire relationship is focused on the negative, making it hard to even want to be around one another. If you can refocus on enjoying each other and improving the relationship, the rest will come.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

How do we treat our kids like full human people without treating them like adults and forcing them to grow up too quickly. Let's talk about it!Treating our kids like full people simply means that we welcome all of their humanness and don't try to minimize or talk them out of their experiences. It means that they deserve as much respect as any adult.There is not a topic that's off limits with my kids. There is a spectrum of the amount, intensity, and way information is shared.For hard topics: Tell the truthFollow their leadShare what's developmentally appropriateWelcome follow up conversationsThe amount of information we share with our kids grows with them as they age. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing the minute they become curious about a certain topic.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode finishes our conversation about bias, inclusion, and how our brains are wired for sameness , making these changes hard.In order to start to change our unconscious beliefs, we first have to bring it into our conscious awareness so we can then override those that are unhealthy, dangerous, wrong, etc.We have to consciously choose to access the parts of our brains that challenge our biases and help us develop new pathways regarding people and situations that are "other." Interactions with "others" gives opportunities to challenge our unconscious beliefs about themOur brains default to the easiest, fastest associations possible, to preserve energy. Sometimes this makes us rely on stereotypes and deny experiences that might challenge them. I want my kids' beliefs to be based on their actual experiences with people who are other than them instead of relying on the fear or discomfort associated with being near different people. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks about what can sometimes be a taboo or hard topic: bias, diversity, and race. We utilize science to talk through how our brains are wired for sameness and build bias into our system, in order to protect us.For more information about this topic, check out this book, that we used to start our conversation. Understanding the science can help take the shame and judgment out of this topic, which can then make it easier to have productive conversations.Our brains are designed to identify and empathize more with people who look like us. Our conscious beliefs and what we would say about people who are different than us, are often different from the unconscious signals our brains send us when we are exposed to differences.It's not possible to not have any biases; it's built into our brains!All of our experiences are either lessening or strengthening the biases we have naturally. As a parent, I want to pay attention to how I talk about "others," so my kids don't pick up on my biases and so it won't reinforce the differences their brain is recognizing. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Guess who's back!!! We're slowly getting back into the swing of things with our first episode of the new year! This episode talks about several topics and situations we encountered over the last few weeks and different approaches and suggestions for dealing with them.Anxiety isn't something that we can simply overpower. It has to be managed and processed in a way that honors it, validates it, and teaches our kids ways to manage it on their own.Forcing kids to repair with their peers can teach them to ignore the fact that they were mistreated. This isn't the goal for parents, and we want our kids to avoid being hurt by their friends, but it's also important for them to learn how they should be treated, how to communicate that, how to take a break, and the importance of leaving relationships that aren't healthy.The abuse of children does not discriminate. It can reach every race, religion, gender, socioeconomic status, and more. It's important that we as parents stay vigilant and do what we can to keep them safe and also develop relationships that are strong enough to combat any abuse that might happen to them. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

It's our last episode of 2023!! This one talks through various topics, including lying, managing big behaviors, and managing different opinions of family members. You can hear our episode on lying here and the episode when Lincoln had a hard interaction with his teacher here.Bottom line: Give people grace and approach behavior with curiosity.If you're looking for more information on parenting differences, that one can be found here.What are your non-negotiables? What is reasonable to expect from others?It's also important to remember the difference between boundaries and requests or demands. Boundaries are something I do, in response to something else. Requests or demands are things I ask of other people. Imposing a boundary requires nothing from the other person. Requests or demands expects others to change their behavior.In a perfect world, we would have an open dialogue full of information sharing and discussion of perspectives, in order to both feel comfortable parenting our kids. If it's not, we can set a boundary with other people.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Last week was all about learning what our attachment style is, now this episode takes about what to do about it.We have no control over how our attachment is developed. We do have control over how we adjust moving forward.Attachment healing can only happen within relationship.To change attachment the patterns first have to come into our awareness.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks about adult attachmen styles, which is important for us to learn, so we can understand how we relate to others, including our children.We need to normalize all attachment styles, while also understanding that we can work toward being secure.Our comfort level with and willingness to allow  closeness and intimacy determines our attachmen style in adulthood.Recognizing how our insecure attachment can be so easily passed down to our kids through our interactions, and deciding to try to do things differently even a little bit, is how generational cycles are broken and we actually achieve better for our kids.If you're interested in learning what your own attachmen style is, take this quiz here. If you're interested in more information about this topic, check out this episode here, here, here, and here.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode dives deeper into the relationship between parents and adult children.  What do those relationships look like now? What if parents aren't able to do what you need? How do you know if you're ready to have hard conversations?For adult children, true healing can only come when we stop being dependent on our parents for our validation, regulation, and wellbeing. If our parents weren't able to meet those needs in our childhood, it's unlikely they'll be able to do it differently when we're adults. We're created to want connection with our attachment figures, even if that isn't terribly healthy, safe, or secure.As adult children, we can often see our parents' patterns and challenges more clearly, but that doesn't mean they can see it the same way. Seeing this clearly can make us more empathetic but can also increase our anger and misunderstanding because they're not doing what we think they should.For many parents, the thought of unpacking the generational components and trauma feels overwhelming, so it becomes easier to just avoid it completely.We have to get to a point where we believe: I don't need it; I'm not dependent on it; I will be ok without it; I will heal without it.When we feel ourselves slip into old, unhealthy attachment patterns, we need to be able to step away and return later.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode is a little bit of everything, all based on situations happening in Leah's house.How do we validate anxiety without contributing to it? How do we challenge unhealthy thoughts without being invalidating? How do we just sit in the discomfort with them?Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

All parents desperately want to protect their kids, which is a great and noble goal. At the same time, overly protecting our kids in certain areas can stunt their growth and development in important ways.Many times the concept of protection allows us to control behaviors in ways that make us feel more justified.Areas in which we protect our kids in inappropriate ways:Physical - find ways to let your kids explore and engage in risky behaviorsSocial - it's part of relationships to be hurt, rejected, and criticized. Protecting kids from these experiences prevents them from learning how to manageInformation - I'd rather talk about information my kids hear as opposed to trying to control the type or amount of information they getEmotions - Hard emotions are a part of life and kids have to experience them to learn how to navigate themProblems & Consequences - Kids can only learn problem solving, communication, strategies, and more if they face problems head on and we help them learn how to figure out an appropriate solution.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This one is for parents of adult children, who might be learning about this type of parenting and information for the first time. How do you talk about what you wish you'd done differently? How do you repair what you now see as ruptures?Ultimately, everyone wants to be validated, which is not the same as acceptance. We all have our own experience, and just because it's different than your experience, doesn't mean it's wrong.1. Validate2. Listen to understand3. Guard against defensiveness4. Apologize when appropriateThese conversations can be really healing if both parties come to the table with positive intent.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Adoption is beautiful, necessary, and important. It's also hard and often misunderstood. This episode talks about some important ways adoption is misunderstood and how to think about it in a way that might be helpful.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

In this episode, we FINALLY talk about attachment, Leah's first love and truly what guides everything she does as a parent and a person.Attachment is a reciprocal relationship between people and begins to develop in utero and continues throughout childhood, but particularly in the first three years of life.  As we respond to our babies in distress, we start to hardwire their thoughts and beliefs about themselves, other people, and the world around them.Over time, our responses to our babies change, largely when they become mobile and develop language but remain incredibly important to continue to teach them that they are safe, people will take care of them and protect them, and the world is a safe place in which they can develop, explore, and grow.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks about consequences, which usually means punishment and often doesn't address the actual problem or behavior. People use these words interchangeably, but they actually are very different.Many people only know two ways to change or manage behavior: rewards or punishment.We believe that misbehavior is a sign of a need or a missing skill or a desire for connection, which means imposed consequences are not effective in actually fixing any of those problems.Attempting to impose consequences can very often create a power struggle, because we can only "force" our kids to follow through by using fear, threats, or manipulation. It's important to avoid putting yourself in a position where you can't guarantee cooperation or follow through.If your goal for imposing consequences is truly to TEACH your kids how to do better, think about how you would teach them to read. If you wouldn't do it to teach them academically, then it probably isn't actually going to teach them how to have better behavior.There seems to be a group of parents who either think kids always know how to do the right thing, so the consequence has to hurt, which doesn't truly take child development into account. Demanding our kids behave in ways they're not developmentally able to and then punishing them for falling short leads to shame, low self-esteem, guilt, and increased bad behavior.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Last week we talked about what zaps our resources, and this week we build on that conversation talking about how to build resources and think of resourcing as a verb.In the therapy world, resourcing someone means we're giving people tools to be able to manage the stress and dysregulation that often comes from stres and trauma. Effectively, we want to do the same thing with our kids, giving them tools to know how to handle the stress they experience, even if we don't understand or agree with the stress.If our kids don't have the resources to cope with certain situations, then it's our job to help them build those.To help kids build their resources, we can help them recognize when they're overwhelmed or dysregulated. Then, give them some options of things to try to help them feel better. Ask them again how they feel and if the tool they used helped them recover. Once you have something that works, prompt them when they start to get overwhelmed so they can learn to use those tools on their own.Ways to replenish resources:ConnectionTime AlonePlaySleepPhysical TouchDancingRoutineSensory ActivitiesSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We all know when our kids are out of resources and can't handle anything. It can be challenging though to know how to respond in those situations.Things that zap our resources:HungerFatiguePainDecision makingHeavy effortPunishmentLack of connectionIt's ok to lower demands and expectations when you see your kids are out of resources.When they're out of resources, we want our kids to learn how to:Recognize what's happeningCommunicate that to their peopleRegulate their behaviorReplenish their resourcesRemoving demands when our kids are struggling is one of the best ways to take care of them.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

One of the most important skills our kids can learn is problem solving! Lots of research has shown it leads to better academic performance, self-esteem, and social skills. This episode talks through this information and gives ideas for how to develop this skill in our kids.Problem solving comes from the prefrontal cortex, which is the last part of our brain to develop. But when we're in a stress response, that part of our brain is not working as well as it can, making problem solving hard. This process happens outside of our awareness and is largely not in our control. As adults, we learn different tips and tricks to remind ourselves of different things and make sure our problem solving and decision making are functioning. Our kids don't have those skills...yet. So, we should expect that our kids will forget almost everything and screw up when they're trying every new thing.The mistake we make as parents is TELLING them how to fix something or do it better, instead of letting them figure out, "What do you want to do differently."Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

In this episode from 2022 Leah  does her own work, in front of everyone. Illustrated by an interaction with her 9-year-old,  she works through her own history and how it impacts her responses to her own children.We often assign very negative intentions, motives, and behaviors to our kids when they are incredibly young, setting the stage to maintain these negative beliefs about them as they age.The messages we got as children seems to determine the negative attributes we assign our kids.  As a child, if we were taught that we had to listen to adults because they always knew better, and if we didn't we were labeled as disrespectful/sinful/ungrateful, then those are thoughts we will very easily have about our kids when they engage in the same behavior.Even when I can recognize how unhealthy my childhood messages were for me, those same thoughts are almost automatic when my kids engage in negative behaviors.Traditional parenting puts all the burden on our kids, focusing soley on how they behave and what they did that was inappropriate. This type of parenting flips that on its head and recognizes that how we respond and react as parents is actually what impacts the nature of those interactions and our relationships with our kids!When we think we're not able to do this type of parenting because we keep getting triggered and respond in ways we don't want to, we believe: "YOU'RE DOING IT!" The process of being triggered, responding, and assessing how it went and how we want it to go differently, is how you do this and start to make changes!Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks through how the successes and challenges of our kids say nothing about us as parents, even though many of us feel like it does and let this drive our response and parenting style.We all have different areas that are important to us as parents and that we focus on and struggle to find our worth as a parent. These might include:1. Sports2. Academics 3. Clothing4. BehaviorIf you find your worth in these areas, then when your kid struggles, you have a higher likelihood of punishing, shaming, or becoming punitive in response to that behavior.What you celebrate or praise is how you communicate what you value. Even if you aren't giving direct praise or recognition, what are you putting on the refrigerator, how are you celebrating successes, what kinds of success are you telling your family members about? These little differences communicate to our kids that we celebrate or value them more when they perform.What can you do differently?1. Tell them how proud they should be of themselves2. Praise their effort, not the performance3. Tell them you're proud of them when it's not tied to any performance or successIt is not our kid's job to make us feel like a success as a parent. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Is it anger or something else? Parenting anger is so tricky and something we often don't know how to manage or discipline. In this episode we talk through it all.Kids need to learn ways to manage ALL emotions, not just anger. When we single out anger we lose sight of the overarching skill kids need.Anger is almost always a secondary emotion  nd there's something under the surface that's causing us to appear and act angry.When we teach our kids that we always want them to share their thoughts and feelings, that means they'll do it the same way whether we're at home by ourselves or in a crowded room.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Today we talk about the ongoing reactions and hard behaviors with Leah's 10-year-old son and she is trying to navigate it and make sense of his behavior and their relationship.Going through challening seasons with our kids can be really challenging, even when we've adopted this new way of parenting and see their behavior through a new, more respectful lens. It's ok to be burnt out and need extra time and support.Our kids are learning new skills and ways of being and that will always be messy. We can keep helping them learn, "not like that," while showing them a new way.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

It seems to be harder and harder for parents to manage their emotions, and this episode talks through why that is and what we can actually do to try to develop skills to manage ourselves when we're triggered and dysregulated.Most of the time when we lose control and feel dysregulated, it's happening outside of our awareness. So the first step to be able to effectively manage our emotions is to have awareness about what's happening.  Our brains go through the same thing as our kids when we get triggered, and understanding this can allow us more grace to continue to learn how to make changes. Steps to start this process:1. Notice times you're being triggered - do a debrief2. Investigate what you're telling yourself about the situation, your child, or yourself3. Rethink what you actually believe and want to tell yourself The actual emotional regulation part requires you to1. Practice management in relatively peaceful times2. Tell everyone what you're doing and ask for help3. Increase interoception - how do you know you're starting to get triggered and how do you know you're starting to calmSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

In case you mistakenly thought we've got it all together, this episode will say you straight! We talk through lots of situations that hopefully build a sense of community and an understanding that we're all in this together!This podcast episode talks through in more detail the concept of guilt and how we can tell if what we're experiencing is actual guilt or something else.If you want more insight into how to talk to kids about hard things, check out this post on instagram too.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode includes Leah's top 10 tips or suggestions for first time parents, or even second or third time parents.1. Trust your gut2. Set boundaries if you need to3. Each awful stage is just that, a stage 4. Find support5. Find time for yourself6. Let your parenting style evolve 7. When in doubt, connect 8. You only have to be good 30% of the time9. Prepare to do your own work10. Enjoy itSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Today's a replay because, life. This is one of our most downloaded episodes all about every parent's favorite topic: tantrumsTantrums can be one of the most challenging things to manage as a parent. They seem to come out of nowhere and can feel almost impossible to stop. This episode talks through some of the science behind tantrums and what parents can do to try to manage them a little better!It's important to remember that tantrums are a healthy, normal part of a child's development. They allow young children to express their feelings and learn new ways to manage them, even when the behavior that comes with the tantrum is frustrating and overwhelming for us as parents.To help navigate tantrums a little more effectively:1. Manage yourself first2. Don't try to stop it3. Validate emotions4. Stay present5. Hold the boundarySubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode is part 2 of our discussions about the Shiny Happy People documentary, and goes over the flip side of authority which is blind obedience. The idea of obedience pervades our society and is usually the barometer people use to demonstrate the 'goodness' of kids. Kids aren't 'good' just because they do what other people say.When we tell kids how good or bad they are, we often teach them that if they're bad they lose relationships, they aren't wanted as much, they lose friends, they can't do certain things, or worse. It doesn't give kids room to get better, particularly those who aren't always capable of being 'good' for different reasons, such as ADHD, autism, neurodivergence, stress, hunger, etc.Kids will believe you if you keep telling them they're 'bad' and adopt that identity. This can impact self-esteem, social skills, and behavior.How do we define good people, even as adults? We would all have different answers and that's the goal of parenting for us. What makes kids good is only if you obey, which is not how we define it in adulthood. Character qualities only develop through work, failure, and experiences. When we only want to make kids obey, we take those opportunities away from them, so they can't develop the character muscles that are so important as they age.Relying on blind obedience grows kids who always need someone to tell them what to do. This doesn't actually develop them as people, it only teaches them to obey authority and shut down their own thoughts and feelings. Obedience is not a character trait! It's behavior.Misbehavior is actually kids learning how to develop the skills we want them to have. They have to work them out in ways that are hard and disrespectful and challenging. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

If you've watched the new documentary, Shiny Happy People, then this episode is for you! We talk through the idea of authority and how dangerous it is to teach kids to follow and obey all authority, no matter what.The idea of authority will always increase the risk of abuse. When we think about how we want our kids to react if they're being abused, including kicking, yelling, biting, sayng no, then we have to help them learn how to react similar ways when they're not being abused.I will always back my kids up if they feel like they need to challenge someone in authority over them.Almost all abuse of children is perpetrated by people in authority over them and people they know well. This means kids have to know how to challenge people in authority over them and tell us when something doesn't feel right, no matter who the person is.When our kids aren't allowed to have an opinion or reaction to a directive being given, they will not be able to learn how to discern what is good or appropriate. This skill has to be taught, and that has to start with challenging our authority and directives as parents.Parents are squandering the best tool we have to keep kids safe for the sake of obedience. Kids have the same ability to feel unsafe around certain people.  Their feelings or uncertainty can come out in lots of different ways - anger, frustration, withdrawal, not wanting to go somewhere, etc. Our job as parents is to listen to them and help them learn to listen to their system and give them control over themselves in those situations.When it comes to things kids can't communicate clearly, we need to trust their systems and believe they know what is best for them in those moments.I regularly think about not disrespecting my kids, just like I don't want them to disrespect me. Parents would die to keep kids safe; but would you let them tell you 'no'?Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode keeps it simple, talking about curfews and how to establish and maintain them for kids as they get older.How do we establish curfews? Do we set them arbitrarily? What would happen if we just let kids decide when to come home on their own?What's the purpose of a curfew? To make sure kids get enough sleep? To keep kids safe? To teach them how to make good choices?Does a curfew really keep kids safe or teach them how to make good decisions? They can get in just as much trouble at 8pm as they can at 1am.We want to teach kids to make healthy decisions, do the right thing, stand up for what's right, etc. starting when they're young, not only between the ages of 16 and 18 when they need a curfew.I want my kids to make mistakes while they have the safety net of living at home. When our kids turn 18, we automatically control nothing.  If they don't have any freedom for years leading up to that, there's no way they'll know how to navigate the change.Consider this if you're going to impose a curfew: Try to make it flexible and allow collaboration whenever possible.  Develop the curfew together, based on what everyone thinks is appropriate. Try to say yes as much as possible, instead of looking for ways to say no.A strict curfew almost always pushes kids to be sneaky, which is where the risk often comes in. Instead focus on ways to help them learn important skills - time management, fighting peer pressure, meeting responibilities, etc.Kids have curfews for 2 years of their life and will never again. So what's the point? :)Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks about fear-based parenting and the specific neurobiology of fear. Some parents talk about how their kids have "healthy fear" of them, which makes them behave themselves. But really, the only healthy fear is the fear that helps keep us alive.Brain science teaches us what happens in our brains when we're faced with threat - Can I outrun this? Can I beat this? Then you would fight or flight. If you can't do either of those things to stay alive, then you have to come up with a different plan, which often means simple compliance.When our brain is triggered by fear, our thinking brain goes offline and regualtion can only happen when it comes back online and can help manage our emotions and behaviors.  You cannot create fear in a child without initiating their stress response. In the beginning of fear-based parenting, your child may try fight or flight first, as their body's stress response has prompted them to try to stay safe through fighting or running away. This often leads parents to dig in and increase fear, punishment, shame, etc. to teach their system that they cannot win the fight or run away. This causes them to shift into a different stress response, which then starts to look like compliance. Parents often think this means the technique is "working," but it's actually a different stress response that they have learned is the best way for them to keep themselves safe.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

How do you talk to you kids about death and dying? What do you do about funerals? How do you help them cope? This episode answers all these questions and more, trying to help us support our kids during really challenging times.Kids cannot fully understand death and its finality until they are 8 or 9 years old. This makes it difficult for them to process death and react in ways that feel appropriate to us as adults.To help kids with death:Be completely honest Don't try to control their responseBe prepared for it to take a long timeLet them create a memory or memorialGive them choice, whenever possibleYou need to be willing to answer all the questions your kids have about death or the person who died. You also need to respect their communication that they cannot tolerate additional information, and understand information may need to be shared in small doses.Our kids will not have the same reaction to losing a loved one as we do as adults. This is largely based on their level of relationship, how often they see them, how old they are, etc. Around here, we would never force a child to attend a funeral if they didn't want to go.If they are going to go, prep them for what they're going to see - open casket, family, etc. You can come up with a plan for them to leave if they get overwhelmed. It's ok to share out emotions with our kids. They can see us crying or upset, and trying to convince them that's not true can be really confusing and make it hard for them to learn to express their own emotions.  Death and Loss cannot be made better. They're hard. Instead of trying to make it go away, we instead can teach them to get through it and find their own way of grieving.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks about consequences, which usually means punishment and often doesn't address the actual problem or behavior. People use these words interchangeably, but they actually are very different.Many people only know two ways to change or manage behavior: rewards or punishment.We believe that misbehavior is a sign of a need or a missing skill or a desire for connection, which means imposed consequences are not effective in actually fixing any of those problems.Attempting to impose consequences can very often create a power struggle, because we can only "force" our kids to follow through by using fear, threats, or manipulation. It's important to avoid putting yourself in a position where you can't guarantee cooperation or follow through.If your goal for imposing consequences is truly to TEACH your kids how to do better, think about how you would teach them to read. If you wouldn't do it to teach them academically, then it probably isn't actually going to teach them how to have better behavior.There seems to be a group of parents who either think kids always know how to do the right thing, so the consequence has to hurt, which doesn't truly take child development into account. Demanding our kids behave in ways they're not developmentally able to and then punishing them for falling short leads to shame, low self-esteem, guilt, and increased bad behavior.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode is basically two scenarios that happened in Leah's house this week that illustrate lots of things we talk about on a regular basis. Apologizing, rupture and repair, and letting our kids be who they are.To apologize, there is no room for justifying our negative behaviors as parents. There can be no, "you made me mad," or " it was because you did...." The ruptures in our relationships are healthy and inevitable. The repair is where the learning, growth, and attunement can happen. As parents, it's easy to feel bad out ourselves when we lose our temper or respond in ways we don't like, and if we sit in that rupture, it can feel overwhelming. But repairing with our kids helps us all get back to a place of connection, which is a great lesson in relationships for our kids. We both can do the wrong thing in our interactions, but I can only be responsible for myself and take accountability for my own actions. We talk about this episode again of the For the Love Podcast, and Dr. Tsabary talks about the error we make as parents to try to make our kids into something we want them to be or believe they should be. We just need to get out of their way! Their personalities and ways of being are already engrained into who they are, and our goal needs to be to become their secure base and safe place for growth and exploration.The goal is to SHAPE our kids, not change them. We want to help them learn how to manage their temperament, personality, approach, thought process, etc. in ways that are constructive and healthy as they age.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode was at the request of Beka, after seeing a TikTok video talking about "attention-seeking" behaviors. It's important to remember that wanting attention is not a problem and is even a biological need  our kids have and has to be met in order for our relationships to be strong and supportive.If you want other information about connection and relationships, check out the episodes here and here.Attention seeking behavior changes as our kids age, but the function is always the same: a need for connection and to be seen and validated.Babies are not purposefully manipulating you with their behavior. We often think that it says something bad about us as parents if we "allow" our kids to manipulate us. They are simply getting their needs met. Toddlers and early childhood turns into impulsive behaviors, making messes, aggression toward siblings, etc.  We teach our kids how we'll respond to behaviors that inconvenience us throughout their childhood, so they change their behavior to get their needs met based on what they've learned.Another episode of Jen Hatmaker's podcast talks through this idea even more, understanding that parents don't always know what they're doing and are not always the experts in the relationship.Pre-adolescence brings new challenges and attention seeking  behavior can be a constant desire for acknowledgement and being seen. They're worried about their peers, academic pressure, wanting to know information, etc. And then teenagers often struggle even more: they still need us but want to be independent. They can be internalizers or externalizers, but the function is often the same - wanting to be seen and validated. Instead of ignoring the attention seeking behavior - do the opposite: LEAN IN! Give them what they need and work with them to find different ways to ask for and get what they need. Give attention when they're not asking for it in a negative way. Telling our kids they can tell us anything means nothing if we've reacted in ways that shut them down, invalidted their experiences, or minimized their reactions. Kids learn  through experiences, not words.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Why do we continue to use the sticker charts? They're so common and often suggested for parents and teachers, even though we have so much information about some of the negative effects of token economies. This episode talks through this concept and different ways to change behaviors and motivate our kids.A quote on the CDC's website talks about how rewards make both parents and kids happy. This isn't really our goal or something we seek as far as wanting our kids to be responsible for our happiness or to only be happy because they're getting something they like. So many sites also indicate that reward charts and behavior programs increase self esteem. This seems counter intuitive, because it sounds like self esteem is boosted because someone else is happy or because they got something they wanted. You cannot have a reward system without it also being a punishment system. If you can earn something, then you have to be able to not get it or lose it, which feels like a punishment. This can cause the focus to be on negative behaviors and compare behaviors to others. Behavior charts fail to get underneath a behavior. The assumption is that the kids are making choices to behave badly and they simply need motivation. There is no room to ask the questions:  do they know how to do this? Do they have the skills? Are they regulated enough? Are they safe enough?Behavior charts cause external motivation and prevent intrinsic motivation, causing kids to appear manipulative, which is also problematic.Rewards for behavior are particularly problematic when what they can earn is relationships with special people or additional time. This teaches kids that relationships are transcational and love and care is attached to your behavior and if you're naughty enough no one will want to be around you.Ultimately, CONNECTION is the sticker. Connection is the antecdote and the tool to actually improve behavior.  There is a place to implement boundaries and make sure our own emotional and relational needs are met as a parent, but this can be implemented without withholding connection in response to negative behaviors.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We were due for a really nerdy episode, so this is it! Internal working models are a common concept in attachment theory and are really critical for how we develop our own beliefs and stories as we age.The information in this episode comes, at least in part, from this episode of a different podcast.  Internal working models generally mean our innermost beliefs, ideas, and stories about ourselves, other people, and the world. They're developed, at least in part, within the first 3-5 years of life.Kids change their behavior based on 2 questions: What bring people closer? What pushes them away? They mold their behavior to get their needs met and answer those questions. Most internal working models don't have language to them, they exhib themselves through behaviors. As kids age and develop language, they then attach language to the behaviors they demonstrate, creating 'stories' about what their beliefs mean. The way you interact in relationships as an adult is probably how you got connection as a child.Parents need to be as curious about our own behavior as we are about our kids'. We need to be as kind to ourselves as we are to them and give grace to everyone!Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

With spring break traveling and other life things, we decided to replay our episode discussing mental health. We thought it was relevant with everything going on in our world, so we hope you enjoy!Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode is a bit all over the place - we cover a listener question about a 4 year old who is focusing too much on a boy in her classroom who professed his like for her. And in a hard left turn, we talk more about mental health in light of the Nashville shooting last week.So many of us grew up with a focus on relationships - Disney movies, relationships, etc. and we as parents are trying to make sure our young kids aren't focused on these types of relationships and are just learning to interact with peers in a healthy way.1. Try to understand what they think the words mean2. Talk about all kinds of friendships3. Pay attention to the subliminal messages being sent4. Watch the type of media being consumed5. Enlist helpConstantly asking about relationships, how many people kids like or like them starts to teach them that their worth is tied to how many people like them or how many girlfriends someone has. This sets our little kids up for unhealthy ideas about relationships, self-worth, sex, and more. The goal is teaching our kids to have healthy relationships. And now the shooting....Those of us in the mental health field get really frustrated with all the conversations about mental health when something like this most recent shooting happen. Different labels get thrown around, solutions get proposed that aren't possible or don't fit with our current system, and really damaging statements get made regarding people struggling with mental health.Things to consider if you think we should just institutionalize more people with mental health concerns:1. Where will they go? Does your state have enough beds in mental health facilities?2. For what are you willing to take away someone's right to freedom?3. Who decides when someone should be institutionalized?  Who decides when they are released?4. Who's going to pay for this? Who pays for the professional staffing the institutions?5. What's the criteria? A diagnosis? Certain behaviors? What will this do for awareness and transparency?Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

How do you know your young child is ready for school? What if they don't want to go? How do you handle drop off? We're answering all the questions in this episode!Find a school you feel good about and examine how ready your kids are to go to school.Prep, prep, prep: avoid "I'm not going to tell him until the day before so he won't worry about it." This almost never works and misses the opportunity to let them express and it's their big feelings.Your kids are going to cry at drop off. That's normal and should be expected. Don't try to talk them out of their feelings or convince them they're going to love school. Just let the big feelings come. They can be nervous, scared, or sad and get through it. Our job is to help them develop the language and make connections for what happens when they have big emotions but it turns out ok.Teachers generally know if your child's behavior is different from other kids their age.Teachers are doing the Lord's work and deserve all our respect and care. You have the right to ask questions or address concerns, but always, always with kindness.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks through ways to help your kid with social interactions, coach them on how to be a good friend, and teach them how they should be treated in relationships.As always, validate their feelings about their peers, even if it's unkind or inappropriate. Give them space to share their experiences, questions, and relationships. It's important to help kids take the perspective of others, which can develop new ways of dealing with social problems. Avoid giving directives for how a problem should be solved and instead help them think through situations and develop solutions on their own.Our behavior impacts others, but we are not responsible for other people's reactions or feelings. This can lead to people pleasing and an inability to put your own needs ahead of those around you.Never never bad mouth your kid's friends. Attempting to control our kids'friendships doesn't teach them how to navigate all the social problems and learn new ways of interacting.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations.In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a WON'T do. This helps me view them in a more loving, compassionate way, as opposed to simply getting frustrated about their behavior. We just CHOOSE to assume positive intent. This allows us to enjoy our kids as opposed to always being upset or believing such negative things about them and their behavior. It prevents us from having to chase their behavior and just look for ways to correct them on a regular basis. If you have a behavior you're trying to change or an issue you want to address, it is almost always helpful to include your child in this discussion and planning. You can communicate what you want to do and let them give ideas or communicate their thoughts and feelings about how things might be going. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, more than simply, 'because I said so.'Is there ever a time when digging in our heels to address a behavior is appropriate? For us, that is usually only appropriate if there's a safety issue. If you as the parent are digging in on other behaviors, that is almost always your stuff, your work to do, and your own history coming up within your relationship with your kids.  Our kids are not responsible for our stuff or our work, and responding to them in ways that are out of proportion with behavior and issues, is not theirs to take. This is what breaking generational cycles is really about.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens.Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting.If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and that all behavior makes sense, then it's impossible to truly expect "good" behavior all the time. It is necessary to lower expectations if we truly believe they are always doing the best they can.Many times parents shift the way we're practicing parenting (gentle, conscious, respectful, etc.) but we haven't shifted expectations at the same time, which makes it hard to make those two line up, and can lead to more difficulties feeling good about this approach and staying in the new kind of interventions.Sometimes we come up with reasons for requiring kids to live up to our expectations when really it's more that we just want them to do what we say or think they should do. Our kids will tell us, with their behavior, about the expectations we have for them. It's on us to listen to them, get curious about their behavior, and try to determine why they might be struggling consistently to meet certain expectations or follow through with certain tasks. Bottom line: an expectation is unrealistic if their behavior tells us they can't do it.Becasue we drop the expectations, it allows us to stop chasing behaviors, because we no longer expect near perfection from our kids and can instead become more of a coach and supporter as opposed to a task driver.Instead of identifying expectations, which are usually an either/or situation, what if we looked at this as goals, which is something we work towards together. As long as we have expectations for other people's behaivor will always leave you feeling disappointed.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Neurons that fire together, wire together. It's important that the information we learn is cemented into our neural pathways so we can access it, even during times of stress. This episode talks through the neuroscience and how to strengthen our pathways in this way.In times of stress, we go back to what we know. When stressed, your brain's only goal is to keep you safe and try to survive. We don't have additional energy to try new things, remember novel information, or learn something different. What always feels safest to us is being in control. That usually means punishment, yelling, manipulation, and coercion. There's such a misunderstanding of power and control, and we often think that if we allow our kids to have control, that means they take ours or we don't have it anymore. This graphic gives a good illustration of a new concept in this understanding.The need for control shifts from needing to control my kids to needing to control myself. To strengthen our neural pathways:1. Choose one behavior 2. Think about it, plan it out in your mind, rehearse a different response, read about it, listen to podasts3. Put it into practiceOver time, those different neural pathways will start to take over the old ones and make it easier to feel good about the changes we're making and give us a new foundation to build on and add other behaviors.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We all talk about needing to connect with our kids, but often seem to misunderstand what that means or how to do that in more challenging situations or difficult emotions. This episode talks through ways to dip a toe in their emotions while also pulling them back with us into their window of tolerance.See Me: really seeing what they're doing, showing interest; imitating play with younger kidsHear Me: actively listening, listening without correction or judgment; giving space for real conversationFeel Me: Joining the feeling, no matter what it is; attune to emotions without letting them take you overTo truly pull our kids out of negative emotions or behaviors we have to join them where they are, with a toe in our own regulation, and bring them back with us into our window of tolerance. They can't regulate their emotions just by us telling, punishing, or shaming them into calm.Regulated does not equal calm!Different kids have different connection needs. Some need BIG (play, dance, excitement) while others needs small (physical touch, snuggling, calm).Most of the negative behaviors of our kids is a result of seeking connection or feeling disconnected from their adults. This is why we want to always ask ourselves, "Is this giving them the connection they need? And are there other ways I can give them connection that are more positive, healthy, and safe?"Some ideas of activities that can promote connection:Nightly meetingsBoard GamesDance partiesNerf gun battlesPhysical touchNotes in lunch boxesPlaySubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

So many of our kids have fears that are unrealistic and illogical, leaving us so confused as to how to respond, help support them, but move them past their fears in a clear way. This episode talks about all of this, and gives some other information or options to help navigate these issues.Our kids' fears should be validated, without trying to talk them out of their fear or convince them that what they're scared of isn't truly scary.Is fear the way kids have learned to get our attention, connection, or attunement? If so, we may need to look at our response as adults to make sure we're not contributing to the fear in some way.Our kids' fears are often not logical, so we can't make them go away by using logic and reasoning or sharing information.Play is how kids process and learn and can be a great tool for us to help them work through things that are hard.The goal is never to make fear go away, but instead to help kids learn the difference between productive fear that keeps us safe and fear that keeps us stuck.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

It's not just sex. It's boundaries, reproduction, puberty, and yes, sex. These conversations are hard for most parents, and we're talking about it all!Viewing hard topics through our adult eyes can lead us to oversexualize information, when kids do not assign it that meaning at all.If your kids are asking questions, they need information. Avoid saying, 'you're too young for that,' 'we don't talk about that,' 'you don't need to know that,' or anything similar. Those responses don't make their questions go away, they just let them know that you, as their adult, are not the place they can go to get the answers.Many of us have been taught that giving information steals their innocence, actually increases the likelihood of the behavior, etc. There is no evidence that this actually works this way, but is often used as an excuse so we don't have to have hard conversations. Information should never scare us, especially when it's coming from us. Having all the information is the only way our kids can learn to make good decisions and choices and think through their own thoughts and feelings around all kinds of topics. #1 goal: First, cause no shame! If this is the best we can do surrounding these topics, then we're already making progress and breaking cycles. If you're looking for resources around this topic, here's a book for boys, and one for girls. We also recommend this Instagram account, with really great information and courses. For younger kids, here's  a great book about touch that can be a great way to start these kinds of conversations.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This week's episode talks about how to manage bringing a new baby home when you have other kids. This is always tricky, but we have some suggestions and thoughts about other possibilities to make this a little easier.If you have very young children, even after being prepared, cannot truly understand what having a new baby means or how it's going to impact them and their routine or relationships.Ideas:1. Prepare them as much as possible2. Get them a gift from their new sibling3. Be honest 4. Maintain routine 5. Create baby free zones6. Involve them in the baby's careEVERYTHING changes when we bring a new baby home, so we should expect their older siblings to really struggleYou may see a change in behavior for your older kids as the demands of your new baby change.You can try to structure your time and routine in a way that allows you to have special time with your older child.Jealousy and sadness about having a new baby in the home almost always come out as negative behaviors.Regressive behaviors are extremely common because we've taught them that's how you get attention and nurturance. These behaviors are completely appropriate and don't need to be stopped or shamed at all.1. Baby talk2. Wanting to drink out of a bottle3. Want to have a pacifier4. Want to sleep in your roomAggression towards the new baby is extremely normal and not a sign of a significant character flaw.  They do not see babies as the most protected class or that they are somehow special and are simply trying to communicate their sadness and upset that their world has changed.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode answers more listener questions, covering all kinds of topics.When thinking about how to help our kids manage negative behaviors, there is an approach (The Nurtured Heart) that suggests that kids require different levels of energy from us, even when we're praising and validating them. You can here more about this idea in this podcast episode or this book.The goal in responding to our kids' big emtions is not to make all negative emotions go away. There is growth and power in experiencing hard things and emotions and learning how to survive it and come out of it.  Sometimes the only way to do this is to stay with them and let them move through it. Just because negative behaviors are continuing, it doesn't mean your parenting approach 'isn't working' or is wrong. Just like we expect kids to struggle over time to learn to read, swim, walk, etc. we expect them to struggle to learn new ways to manage themselves over time. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram