This episode is about the tough but very important topic of childhood trauma. I’m here with Dr. Tanner Wallace, a former university professor of health and human development turned full-time trauma recovery guide. She hosts her own podcast called “The Relational Healing Podcast” and helps adult survivors of childhood trauma heal their attachment wounds. We …
Hear me out....If I were in charge of giving out superpowers for parents, especially parents of kids with a history of trauma, I'd give you x-ray vision.Attachment research is clear about the power of x-ray vision (except they call is reflective functioning and mentalizing). It is a powerful ingredient of secure attachment.In today's episode we will explore what kinds of things x-ray vision would tell us about our children and their behaviors and why it matters.It matters. A lot. Seeing through behaviors to what's underneath is one of the most important skills you could have as a parent!Since I'm not in charge of hanging out superpowers (yet) we'll have to settle for continued blogs, podcasts, and courses that help you put on your own x-ray vision goggles to see what's underneath your child's behaviors!***********************Would you rather read about X-Ray vision goggles? Head over to my blog! https://robyngobbel.com/xrayvision/Wonder what all this talk is about Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety? Watch my free masterclass! https://robyngobbel.com/masterclassUnderstanding the impact of trauma on memory will also help you put on your x-ray vision goggles for some of those most baffling behaviors! Check our my free video series and ebook: https://robyngobbel.com/videoseriesReady to dive deeper and practice putting on those x-ray vision goggles while also getting practical tools on how to create behavior change through regulation, connection, and felt-safety? Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain is a comprehensive online parent course https://robyngobbel.com/parentcourse
In this episode, we continue our discussion about attachment, talking through the four different types: Secure, Insecure Avoidant, Insecure Anxious, and Disorganized. Our attachment pattern is with us for life, and influences how we parent our children. Attachment at its core is about safety, security, and trust, and Leah and Beka talk through how the different styles influence how we view other people and the world and what we believe about ourself! Our conversation moves in to how we support our kids' attachment and what it might look like when they need more from us or are seeking attachment. They often try to get their needs met in different, at times strange ways!Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram
"Hanging from the ceiling. Swaying back and forth, holding that cross just like I'd heard, giant grin on her face, and those dark, hateful eyes staring right at me. And then her mouth moved as I heard her speak. “I knew you'd burn when you were a kid, Jason, and I know it now. Your dad is waiting for you. HELL! Hell WAITS!” A truly terrifying story of a murder turned ghost that haunts the woods of Lums Pond State Park, a beautiful park that flies under the radar! In the 1870s, an unnamed young woman from New Castle County ran away from home and ended up in what is now the park. This woman decided to camp out in the woods her first night away from home. A man found her and based on the state of her body as it was found later, he'd raped her and left her for dead. Before she died, some locals heard her screaming late it into the night, but they weren't able to find her body until long after she died of her injuries. Her body wasn't found for several days, actually. And her killer was never found. Then for story two, a very specific kind of haunting in a church basement, like one you will never forget. A woman from the local parish who was in charge of Bible study, one day, hanged herself in the church basement and it would appear, she still has not found peace in death. The back half of the show unintentionally takes on a theme of kids and attachments or hauntings, but in different ways. In story one, it would seem that a boy is born with the gift of seeing things that live beyond our realm, whether he likes it or not. In the final story of the show, a true skeptic gives into the other side when he is haunted repeatedly by the little blue boy with the maniacal grin. New Merch: The Spoopy B*tch Collection is now in the store after much demand!! Confuse people with this silly saying and done your Spoopiness at www.badmagicmerch.comBad Magic Productions Monthly Patreon Donation:The first Bad Magic Productions charity of 2022 is going to be Love Thy Neighbor. We will be donating $15,500! We met the wonderful people who run this 501(3c) nonprofit primarily serving Denver and the surrounding area last time I was touring there doing shows at Comedy Works. Working with generous local businesses, they hand out free food to the homeless. They also give clothing, shoes, blankets, etc and distribute them to the homeless. They literally keep people alive by supplying both food and clothing to people homeless in a cold, cold city. To find out more and/or donate yourself, please go to https://ltnsocks.com/ Thank you for continuing to send in your stories, Creeps and Peepers! Please keep doing so. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org Send everything else to email@example.comWant to be a Patron? Get episodes AD-FREE, listen and watch before they are released to anyone else, bonus episodes, a 20% merch discount, additional content, and more! Learn more by visiting: https://www.patreon.com/scaredtodeathpodcastPlease rate, review, and subscribe anywhere you listen. Thank you for listening! Follow the show on social media: @scaredtodeathpodcast on Facebook and IGWatch this episode on Youtube: https://youtu.be/3Rb4GPnDp3AWebsite: https://scaredtodeathpodcast.com/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/scaredtodeathpodcast/Instagram: https://bit.ly/2miPLf5Mailing Address:Scared to Deathc/o Timesuck PodcastPO Box 3891Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Video/Audio by Bad Magic ProductionsAdditional music production by Jeffrey MontoyaAdditional music production by Zach CohenVarious free audio provided by http://freesound.orgOpening Sumerian protection spell (adapted): "Whether thou art a ghost that hath come from the earth, or a phantom of night that hath no home… or one that lieth dead in the desert… or a ghost unburied… or a demon or a ghoul… Whatever thou be until thou art removed… thou shalt find here no water to drink… Thou shalt not stretch forth thy hand to our own… Into our house enter thou not. Through our fence, breakthrough thou not… we are protected though we may be frightened. Our life you may not steal, though we may feel SCARED TO DEATH."
Unpopular opinion: It's okay for our kids to like some kids better than others. After all, we want them to grow up into adults who can build meaningful relationships, which requires recognizing why they connect with certain people over others! Of course, we also want them to be kind, inclusive people. So, what's a parent's role in helping kids navigate tricky social situations? In this week's episode, Dr. Becky talks to three parents about challenging peer dynamics—from leaving someone out on the playground to disliking a family friend's daughter. She explains why curiosity is the most valuable social skill, and shares practical strategies on how to model it. Remember: We want to teach our kids how to think, not what to think. Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside/ Subscribe for weekly strategies and scripts:https://goodinside.com/newsletter/ Learn more with Dr. Becky's workshops: https://learning.goodinside.com/ Outschool has over 150,000 live interactive classes for kids. Go to www.outschool.com/goodinside and use the code GOODINSIDE to get $20 off your first class.
I Don't Wanna Hear It Podcast154 – You Have An Unhealthy Attachment To Music: An Interview with Sergie Loobkoff of SamiamThis week we sit down with a guy we've been listening to since the late 90's: Sergie Loobkoff of Samiam. This one's kind of a big deal.We recommend you check out our Samiam deep dive before listening.Check out more of our stuff at I Don't Wanna Hear It and join the Patreon, jabroni. I mean, if you want. Don't be weird about it. Oh, and we publish books now at WND Press because we want to be bankrupted by a dying medium.Also, you should listen to our 2021 Christmas special: A Black Metal Christmas Carol, as well as Mikey's true crime podcast, Wasteland and Shane's psychology podcast, Why We Do What We Do.Aaannnddd... our good buddy Matt Moment is in a great hardcore band called Contact. Check 'em out!Episode Playlist:Check out our playlist from our Samiam deep dive: Always Syad but Never EVER MyadEpisode Links:SamiamWays AwayRacquet ClubSoleaKnapsackSome of our old bands are on Spotify:Absent FriendsWe're Not DeadYears From NowMusical Attribution: Licensed through NEOSounds. License information available upon request.“5 O'Clock Shadow,” “America On the Move,” “Baby You Miss Me,” “Big Fat Gypsy,” “Bubble Up,” “C'est Chaud,” “East River Blues,” “The Gold Rush,” “Gypsy Fiddle Jazz,” “Here Comes That Jazz,” “I Wish I Could Charleston,” “I Told You,” “It Feels Like Love To Me,” “Little Tramp,” “Mornington Crescent,” “No Takeaways.”
The Circle of Security is a way to understand how you as a parent need to attend to your child's needs. Dr. Nanika Coor explains the concept of the circle and what it means to be a secure base and a safe haven for your child. Read the companion article on Quick and Dirty Tips. Check out all the Quick and Dirty Tips shows. Subscribe to the newsletter for more parenting tips. Join the conversation on Facebook and Twitter. Links: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/ https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/podcasts https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribe https://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthood https://twitter.com/qdtparenthood
Ever feel the pressure of too much going on? That anxious feeling is getting out of the moment. Today, we look at how that affects training and how we THINK about training. It's easy to get caught up on race day when it's 5 months away, but today is all that matters. Do something. Let it go. And get in touch with your body and the moment. *** Time is running out to sign up for THE C26 CLUB PROGRAM FOR 2022! Check it out! Topics: Life Keeps Going Time to get back to work Sore feet Wired to go . . . . How am I gonna get everything done? Feeling defeated Hardest thing to do Prisoner of the Future Flipping the switch The things we CAN control Attachment to perfection Hire someone else to be in control of your life What's your baseline of self-acceptance Though of Quitting Raining at the Lab Are we good enough? Everything is amazing and no one is happy Get in tune with your body When your training fights itself ---------- Looking for a Customized Swim analysis in our C26 Hub? Contact Somer: C26Operations@gmail.com --------------- Coach Mike is accepting full-time athletes. Please check out the benefits of Customized Weekly Coaching here or contact Mike directly at: CrushingIron@gmail.com Registration is still open for the C26 Club Training Program. Take the worry and stress out of your next year of planning, recovering, taper, etc. The Club membership is good for 12 months from sign up. For more information, please visit www.C26Triathlon.com/the-c26-club Looking for a swim analysis, personalized zones for training, and an awesome experience? Check out our New C26 Hub Training Center in Chattanooga. C26 Gear is now available (for a limited time) at www.c26triathlon.com/c26-store A great way to support the podcast! Looking for an awesome coach? Check out our team of awesome coaches on our Coaching Page on C26Triathlon.com Big Shout out to podcast listener and Wordpress designer Bobby Hughes for helping get the new c26triathlon.com off the ground. If you like what you see and may need a website, check out Bobby's work at https://hughesdesign.co/ You can also slide by www.crushingiron.com which is now the official blog page for the podcast. Community and coaching information are at www.c26triathlon.com Our 2020 C26 Camps are sold out (other than swim camp) Find out more on our Camps Page. If you'd like to support the Crushing Iron Podcast, hit up our Pledge Page and help us keep this podcast on the rails. Thanks in advance! Are you thinking about raising your game or getting started in triathlon with a coach? Check out our Crushing Iron Coaching Philosophy Video Please subscribe and rate Crushing Iron on YouTube and iTunes. For information on the C26 Coach's Eye custom swim analysis, coaching, or training camps email: C26Coach@gmail.com Facebook: CrushingIron YouTube: Crushing Iron Twitter: CrushingIron Instagram: C26_Triathlon www.c26triathlon.com Mike Tarrolly - firstname.lastname@example.org Robbie Bruce - email@example.com
Erin Brandt has traveled and supported men in men's groups for over 5 years to learn more about themselves, their relationship to women, their autonomic nervous systems, attachment and so much more! This is how I (Boysen) first met Erin, but there's so much more ... Erin helps all kinds of people (through individual and group work) learn to understand and heal attachment wounds through a mixture of somatic and dialectic processes aimed at helping them 'parent' and sooth themselves. Some Key takeaways from this episode: Understanding Your Autonomic Nervous System Beginning to understand your Attachment System and how powerful this is in our relationshipsWhat is healthy attachment? What's at the core of self-esteem? How do we learn to create healthy attachment (by CARING for ourselves)? Loved Erin? You Can Find Out More Here: Twitter: @ErinErinTherapy Web Site: http://www.appreciatingmen.com/ 6 Hacks to Calm Your Nervous System Fast: www.CalmAndEngaged.com/6-hacks Other than one on one coaching or couples coaching, which is always available, the newest way that Erin is working with men online is through ... - Small group Q&A sessions, one month at a time- 4 men or masculine identifying people per group- one hour per week - 3 weeks per month - Each man gets 10 min to ask ANY question he wants… in general the goal is to ask about relationships, as we are contributing to an online library of relationship tools for men, but relationships are based on knowing yourself AND knowing your partner… so you can ask questions about yourself, about your partner, about women in general, about relationships in general. *******Book Recommendations: HOLD ME TIGHT by Sue Johnson3 of Stan Tatkin's great books:WE DO - for new couples to see if you have/ give you a roadmap to build secure functioning in your relationshipWIRED FOR DATING - gives examples of how a date might sound if both people are insecurely attached, and then how the date could go better if even just one partner responds in a securely attached wayWIRED FOR LOVE - Like Wired for Dating for committed couples, WITH a set of agreements at the back to work on committing to to work towards a secure functioning relationshipErin's favorite attachment teacher is Diane Poole Heller, because she combines attachment with somatics (listening to the body) + with the relational field between two people.Her book is THE POWER OF ATTACHMENT, and if you prefer an audiobook, hers is called HEALING YOUR ATTACHMENT WOUNDS.Share Your Feedback: firstname.lastname@example.orgPlease Leave an iTunes Rating & Review ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐: >>>HERE
What's the difference between "being a good person" and sacrificing your whole life to support others? In most of our families and social structures... there isn't one. Which makes it pretty hard to name the problem, re-examine your instincts to serve, or stand up for your right to operate your own brain. Today, let's talk about one of the most ignored and normalized survival responses. Fawning. If history has anything to say - sorry to everyone who kickstarts a new round of therapy because of this conversation. It's been a commonly enlightening topic for revealing accepted, pervasive, trauma patterning. For a lot more talk on fawning, including some 2021 year-end wrapups that are coming out in January, hit up patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers. Check t-mfrs.com if yer curious about the whole project, and to find visual versions of the shows. Cheers, MFucking Fawners. Jess --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/complextrauma/message
The habit and addiction to alcohol is a learned behavior, no matter WHY you are drinking or what your set of adverse experiences have, you weren't BORN attached to alcohol. For this reason your desire and attachment can be UNLEARNED and even ELIMINATED.YAY! When you have none to little desire and attachment, the problem of alcohol ceases to exist. Today kicks off 2022 and a 10 part series of how to ELIMINATE your desire and attachment to alcohol. Step 1: Sensation, the willingness to feel. Making alcohol a neutral, irrelevant part of your life requires getting to know yourself in ways you never have. This means you must become the WITNESS to your own experience. Observing yourself free of judgment to check in and learn more about what you didn't know before.Our bodies are full of vibrating energy that creates sensations in the body.These sensations have a life span. They change and eventually go away. Nothing is permanent. Life is change. This episode goes along with the next BONUS episode to take you through and embodiment practice of sensation for just the EXPERIENCE of it.I also share a little secret in the works for spring 2022! Get on my mailing list and get the free training. Start your journey inward today! Click HEREEmail: email@example.com with questions for the show or to share your story.Thank you for heading to Apple Podcast To Drop a 5 Star Review and What You LOVE about the show! Your presence means so much to me. Go to SEE ALL reviews to add the comment.I share an share an inspiring testimonial from my sweet client, friend and colleague, Nura Rachelle, Here is her amazing intuitive astro guidance. She is a wonderful teacher, mentor and galactic alchemist.
In this episode, we FINALLY talk about attachment, Leah's first love and truly what guides everything she does as a parent and a person.Attachment is a reciprocal relationship between people and begins to develop in utero and continues throughout childhood, but particularly in the first three years of life. As we respond to our babies in distress, we start to hardwire their thoughts and beliefs about themselves, other people, and the world around them.Over time, our responses to our babies change, largely when they become mobile and develop language but remain incredibly important to continue to teach them that they are safe, people will take care of them and protect them, and the world is a safe place in which they can develop, explore, and grow.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram
When a child has an issue at school, parents and teachers often end up clashing more than collaborating. How can parents talk to educators about tricky situations with their kids, so that it's “us against the problem” and not “us against each other”? In this week's episode, Dr. Becky chats with Dr. Jenny Nash—Head of Education at LEGO, mom, and former educator—about building good relationships with your child's teachers in hard times. The two walk through multiple issues and model practical strategies for approaching each situation with compassion and curiosity, so that you can work together to reach the desired outcome. Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside/ Subscribe for weekly strategies and scripts:https://goodinside.com/newsletter/ Learn more with Dr. Becky's workshops: https://learning.goodinside.com/ Outschool has over 150,000 live interactive classes for kids. Go to www.outschool.com/goodinside and use the code GOODINSIDE to get $20 off your first class.
This week we answer listener questions such as: How do I address my child's affection with strangers? Is it attachment related? How do I create healthy boundaries with birth grandparents? How would you handle technology with a teen foster placement? What if my adopted kids think we treat them differently? Click here to download a transcript for this episode. Relevant Links TBRI Practitioner List DDP Practitioner List The Village Regulation Rescue Ask a question in our Facebook group
In this episode, we talk about certain major misconceptions of the anxious attachment style and the underlying roots to these “troublesome” behaviors. I also share tools on how to become more secure. ————————— Become a Founding Member by using link below (copy paste this link into your web browser): https://view.flodesk.com/pages/61d22832b0306b55f06cb270 Find me at: Instagram: @thejessicadasilva Tiktok: @jessicadasilvacoaching Coach with me: (book a free Clarity Call with me) at www.jessicadasilvacoaching.com Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Everybody deals with insecurity & it has a huge negative impact on relationships. The focus for those who are insecure is what's wrong with my partner? Secure attachment, is not about playing games, you're not trying to win or have power over the other person. It's not a perfect situation. Secure attachment means you're able to navigate emotionally. It can't be about relying on the other person to do this for you.
Summary: In this episode, we gain a deeper understanding of the experience of trauma, the impact of trauma. we clarify definitions of different aspects of trauma, various categories of trauma, the immediate and delayed signs and symptoms of trauma, and the effects of trauma. Then I share an experiential exercise with you to help you discover potential areas that might be fruitful for future exploration of your own internal experience. Opening Dramatic Short Brief descriptions of the experience of trauma “Outside, the sun shines. Inside, there's only darkness. The blackness is hard to describe, as it's more than symptoms. It's a nothing that becomes everything there is. And what one sees is only a fraction of the trauma inflicted.” ― Justin Ordoñez “My current life, I realized, was constructed around an absence; for all its richness I still felt as if the floors might give way, as if its core were only a covering of leaves, and I would slip through, falling endlessly, never to get my footing.” ― Esi Edugyan, Washington Black “I wish I'd fallen softly. Light and graceful like a feather drifting slowly to the earth on a warm and dreamy summer's day. I wish that I'd landed softly too. But there is nothing soft or graceful about that devastating moment when the worst has come to pass. The unavoidable truth is that it is hard, cold and brutal. All that you know to be true and good in life shatters in an instant. You feel like a delicate pottery bowl violently tossed from your place of rest, watching yourself crash and scatter across the hostile dark earth. The sound is deafening. Time stops. Inside, the quiet ache of shock and heartbreak slowly makes its grip known. They cut deep, these jagged edges of broken sherds. You gasp for air hungrily, yet somehow forget how to breathe.”― Jodi Sky Rogers Introduction We are born into a not only a fallen world, but a traumatized world We not only share in a fallen human condition, but a traumatized condition. “No matter what kind of childhood we've had, nobody escapes trauma while growing up.”― Kenny Weiss The Fall goes way back, before the world was even created, to the fall of the Lucifer, the light-bearer, the morning star and his angels -- and then the fallenness entered our world through original sin, the sin of Adam and Eve, and these are the original traumas, the fall of the angels and original sin. You and I are together in the adventure of this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am thankful to be with you. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith. This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com. Trauma. We are just beginning a whole series of episodes on trauma. You've been asking for this -- so many requests for us to address trauma head on. It's such a tough topic and such an important topic, and we are taking on the tough and important topics that matter to you. Really important to understand the inner experience of trauma -- so you can recognize it in your own life and recognize it an empathetic and attuned way in others' loves. Part of loving them. Today, we're going to get an overview of the best of the secular understandings of trauma. So much has changed since I entered graduate school in 1993 -- back then there was one seminal text on trauma, Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery. Now, especially in the last 10-15 years, there has been an upsurge of new, fresh and much better ways of understanding trauma. Outline Impact of Trauma Definitions of terms Definition of trauma Definition of Attachment injury Definition of relational hurt Definition of adverse experience. Categories of Trauma Recognizing Trauma from the Reactions, signs and symptoms. Discuss commonly accepted effects of trauma Go over the traumatic effects of what didn't happen, what was missing Experiential exercise to help you identify areas of your internal experience that are impacted by trauma Impact of Trauma From the North Dakota Department of Human Services Fact Sheet • People who have experienced trauma are:◉ 15 times more likely to attempt suicide◉ 4 times more likely to abuse alcohol◉ 4 times more likely to develop a sexually transmitted disease ◉ 4 times more likely to inject drugs◉ 3 times more likely to use antidepressant medication◉ 3 times more likely to be absent from work◉ 3 times more likely to experience depression◉ 3 times more likely to have serious job problems◉ 2.5 times more likely to smoke◉ 2 times more likely to develop chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD)◉ 2 times more likely to have serious financial problems 16-minute TED MED talk from How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris September 2014 Definitions of Trauma Lots of confusion Briere & Scott (2006) Principles of Trauma Therapy: people use the term trauma to refer to either a traumatic experience or event the resulting injury or stress, or the longer-term impacts and consequences American Psychological Association Website: Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. Problem in emphasizing the emotional aspects. It's much more than that Misses the overwhelming aspect. Does get the "response" part right. Integrated Listening Systems website: Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences. DSM-5 PTSD, Acute Stress Disorder. Not going to address those here, not worth the time. Highly criticized by many professionals for being very limited and behind the curve, not recognizing the nuances and categories of trauma responses. Attachment Injury Definition: Dr. Sue Johnson defines an attachment injury as “a feeling of betrayal or abandonment during a critical time of need.” Very relational. Uniformed Services University Human Performance Resources sheet: An attachment injury is an emotional wound to an intimate, interdependent relationship. It usually happens after a breach of trust—particularly in a time of need or a moment of loss or transition. Once an attachment injury occurs, it can leave one or both partners feeling betrayed or abandoned. Examples of causes of attachment injuries from John Gottman "What Makes Love Last: How to build trust and avoid betrayal" Conditional Commitment: You or your partner are one the lookout for someone more attractive, more desirable, someone who is a better soul mate. A Nonsexual Affair: sometimes emotional affairs - emotional connection in an exclusive relationship with someone else. Lying: Deception, dishonesty, little white lies. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner: Pulling the kids in, trying to isolate the other person. No longer collaborative. Absenteeism or Coldness: Not prioritizing each other at a time of need -- distancing instead -- can have a devastating impact. Whether failing to support during highly stressful events or consistently missing opportunities to turn towards each other during the rigors of life, both are destructive. Withdrawal of Sexual Interest: This can really be wounding. Sometimes one spouse is ok with this and the other is not. Disrespect: quote by John Gottman… “A loving relationship is not about one person having the upper hand – it's about holding hands.” This includes refusing to acknowledge hurting your partner and a lack of willingness to apologize to your partner. Unfairness: Dishonesty. Lack of balance in housework, lack of collaboration on finances. Selfishness: When one partner lives mostly in a self-focused way; behaviors driven by self-absorption can be very wearing on relationship. Breaking Promises: Repeated disappointments around broken or unfulfilled promises results in disillusionment and undercuts trust between the spouses. The one breaking promises can unwittingly communicate the message, “You don't matter.” Additional examples from Lana Isaacson abuse (emotional- gaslighting, power and control, economic, verbal, physical, or sexual), refusal to forgive or accept partner or let go of resentments (includes excessive criticism, moving out of your home and refusing to return, etc.) after your partner has done significant personal and relational growth work and demonstrating change. Relational Hurts - Lori Epting at GoodTherapy.org Relational Hurt or Attachment Injury? How to Tell the Difference April 5, 2018 Painful experiences in an attachment relationship inflicted by the other person, but that don't lead to rupture of the relationship Still a sense of love and connection between the people Still trust and mutuality. Still a capacity for the couple to move forward Does the other spouse still love and care for you? Answer: Yes. Examples: forgotten anniversaries, insults, or intense arguments. Adverse Experiences: Adverse Childhood Experiences Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) cover a wide range of difficult situations that children either directly face or witness while growing up, before they have developed effective coping skills. ACEs can disrupt the normal course of development and the emotional injury can last long into adulthood. The loss of a parent; neglect; emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; and divorce are among the most common types of Adverse Childhood Experiences. Prevalence of Adverse Childhood Experiences: Mental Health Connection of Tarrant County fact sheet -- with studies documenting each statistics. Four of every 10 children in American say they experienced a physical assault during the past year, with one in 10 receiving an assault-related injury. (2) 2% of all children experienced sexual assault or sexual abuse during the past year, with the rate at nearly 11% for girls aged 14 to 17. (2) Nearly 14% of children repeatedly experienced maltreatment by a caregiver, including nearly 4% who experienced physical abuse. (2) 1 in 4 children was the victim of robbery, vandalism or theft during the previous year. (2) More than 13% of children reported being physically bullied, while more than 1 in 3 said they had been emotionally bullied. (2) 1 in 5 children witnessed violence in their family or the neighborhood during the previous year. (2) In one year, 39% of children between the ages of 12 and 17 reported witnessing violence, 17% reported being a victim of physical assault and 8% reported being the victim of sexual assault. (3) More than 60% of youth age 17 and younger have been exposed to crime, violence and abuse either directly or indirectly. (4 More than 10% of youth age 17 and younger reported five or more exposures to violence. (4) About 10% of children suffered from child maltreatment, were injured in an assault, or witnessed a family member assault another family member. (4) About 25% of youth age 17 and younger were victims of robbery or witnessed a violent act. (4) Nearly half of children and adolescents were assaulted at least once in the past year. (4) Among 536 elementary and middle school children surveyed in an inner city community, 30% had witnessed a stabbing and 26% had witnessed a shooting. (5) Young children exposed to five or more significant adverse experiences in the first three years of childhood face a 76% likelihood of having one or more delays in their language, emotional or brain development. (6) As the number of traumatic events experienced during childhood increases, the risk for the following health problems in adulthood increases: depression; alcoholism; drug abuse; suicide attempts; heart and liver diseases; pregnancy problems; high stress; uncontrollable anger; and family, financial, and job problems. (6) According to the Centers for Disease Control -- root causes of many chronic diseases, most mental illnesses, and most violence. Physical abuse Sexual abuse Verbal abuse Physical neglect Emotional neglect A family member who is depressed or diagnosed with other mental illness A family member who is addicted to alcohol or another substance A family member who is in prison Witnessing a mother being abused Losing a parent to separation, divorce or death 61% of adults across 25 states experienced oat least one ACE -- Nearly one in six American adults experienced four or more. Lead to increases in adulthood -- years down the road. Physical injuries TBI Fractures Burns Mental Health problems Depression Anxiety Suicide PTSD Maternal Health Unintended pregnancy Complications in pregnancy Miscarriage Infectious Disease HIV STDs Chronic disease Cancer Diabetes Risky Behaviors Alcohol and Drug abuse Sexual acting out Loss of opportunities Education Occupation Income Categories of Trauma Acute vs. Chronic, Causes: Natural vs. Human, Big T trauma vs. little t trauma, Secondary Trauma, Acknowledged vs. Unacknowledged. Acute vs. Chronic vs. Complex Trauma Acute Trauma: Psychology Today article Acute trauma reflects intense distress in the immediate aftermath of a one-time event and the reaction is of short duration. Common examples include a car crash, physical or sexual assault, or the sudden death of a loved one. Chronic Trauma: can arise from harmful events that are repeated or prolonged. It can develop in response to persistent bullying, neglect, abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual), and domestic violence. Complex Trauma: can arise from experiencing repeated or multiple traumatic events from which there is no possibility of escape. The sense of being trapped is a feature of the experience. Like other types of trauma, it can undermine a sense of safety in the world and beget hypervigilance, constant (and exhausting!) monitoring of the environment for the possibility of threat. Big T trauma vs. little t trauma Trauma here is used to describe the adverse experience Big T Trauma -- Big T Trauma is a reaction to a deeply disturbing, life-threatening event or situation Powerlessness or helplessness is also a key factor of large ‘T' traumas, Examples of Big T Trauma Violent crime natural disaster terrorist attack sexual assault Combat a car or plane accident Death of a parent for a child Little T Trauma: Little 't' traumas are described as smaller, more personal distressing events that disrupt our functioning and compromise our capacity to cope. These distressing events are not inherently life or bodily-integrity threatening,Examples of Little T Trauma Interpersonal conflict Infidelity Conflict with a boss Job change Geographic relocation -- moving to a new part of the country Romantic breakup Abrupt or extended relocation Death of a Pet Legal trouble Financial worries or difficulty Problems -- these describe the event -- as though the event measures the experience. Not so. Originally had some support and still do, because of the emphasis on the importance of less obvious events. Natural vs. Human Causes Naturally Caused (so called "Acts of God") Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Separated into the four elements Earth, Water, Air and Fire Earth Earthquakes Landslides fallen boulders Meteorites Water Floods Tsunamis Avalanches Blizzards Air Tornadoes Cyclones Typhoons Hurricanes dust storms fallen trees Fire volcanic eruptions Lightning Strikes Wildfires Health physical ailments or diseases Epidemics Famines Human Caused -- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Accidental Acts Train derailment, roofing fall, structural collapse, mountaineering accident, aircraft crash, car accident due to malfunction, mine collapse or fire, radiation leak, crane collapse, gas explosion, electrocution, machinery-related accident, oil spill, maritime accident, accidental gun shooting, and sports-related death. Intentional Acts arson, terrorism, sexual assault and abuse,(see three episode IIC series on Rape, Incest, Shame and Silence, episodes 40, 43,and 44) homicides or suicides, mob violence or rioting, physical abuse and neglect, stabbing or shooting, warfare, domestic violence, poisoned water supply, human trafficking, school violence, torture, home invasion, bank robbery, genocide, and medical or food tampering, harassment, street violence, and bullying Actions vs. Omissions e.g. abuse vs. neglect Secondary Trauma: Psychology Today Article: Secondary or vicarious trauma arises from exposure to other people's suffering and can strike those in professions that are called on to respond to injury and mayhem, notably physicians, first responders, and law enforcement. Over time, such individuals are at risk for compassion fatigue, whereby they avoid investing emotionally in other people in an attempt to protect themselves from experiencing distress. Acknowledged vs. unacknowledged trauma Frame of reference -- that just how it was Defining trauma away -- Just because my Dad was a raging unemployed alcoholic and Mom was stressed out with her job and all the housework and we struggled financially and my parents fought all the time, that wasn't trauma, that was just normal. I never was hit or nothing. Not like my classmate Billy. Billy suffered trauma. His Dad used to hit him with a golf club and he came to school with bruises. Now that's trauma. Or the kids that were sexually abused. That never happened to me. I just had a rough childhood, but I've moved on, it's all in the past. Recognizing Trauma from the Signs and Symptoms -- So important. Drawing from many sources here, but Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 13-4801 2014. Chapter 3 of Understanding the Impact of Trauma Emotional & psychological Symptoms of Trauma: Immediate Emotional overwhelm Characteristic of trauma Shock Denial, disbelief Feeling disconnected or numb or detached Anxiety or severe fear, even panic attacks Guilt -- including survivor guilt Anger, rage Sadness Helplessness Mood swings -- exhilaration about surviving then survivor guilt Emotional Constriction, Shutdown Delayed Emotional Signs Irritability, hostility, edginess Depression Mood swings Anxiety Phobia Generalized anxiety Fears of trauma happening again Grief Shame Feeling very fragile, vulnerable Emotional detachment, disconnection -- in relationships Hopelessness, despair Anhedonia -- inability to enjoy anything Difficulty experiencing positive emotions Cognitive Symptoms of Trauma Immediate Cognitive Reactions Disorientation Difficulty concentrating Ruminating, obsessing Racing thoughts Intrusive thoughts -- e.g. Replaying the traumatic event over and over again Visualizations of the event. Time Distortion Space Distortion Extreme alertness; always on the lookout for warnings of potential danger New sensitivity to loud noises, smells, or other things around you Memory problems -- unable to remember the event Feeling out of control Feeling unreal, depersonalized, not yourself, like you are watching someone else. Depersonalization: Persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from, and as if one were an outside observer of, one's mental processes or body (e.g., feeling as though one were in a dream; feeling a sense of unreality of self or body or of time moving slowly). Derealization: Persistent or recurrent experiences of unreality of surroundings (e.g., the world around the individual is experienced as unreal, dreamlike, distant, or distorted). Delayed Cognitive Signs Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, body, from memories or sense of identity. This disconnection is automatic and completely out of the person's control.x Amnesia: Often described as "gaps" in memory that can range from minutes to years Depersonalization: Feeling disconnected from your body or thoughts Derealization: Feeling disconnected from the world around you Identity alteration: The sense of being markedly different from another part of yourself Identity confusion: A sense of confusion about who you really are we will have a lot more to say about dissociation in future episodes, but for now -- disconnection. Alexithymia the inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions. -- Can't put my feelings into words. The experience of trauma can initially defy speech. “People who suffer from alexithymia tend to feel physically uncomfortable but cannot describe exactly what the problem is. As a result they often have multiple vague and distressing physical complaints that doctors can't diagnose. In addition, they can't figure out for themselves what they're really feeling about any given situation or what makes them feel better or worse. This is the result of numbing, which keeps them from anticipating and responding to the ordinary demands of their bodies in quiet, mindful ways. If you are not aware of what your body needs, you can't take care of it. If you don't feel hunger, you can't nourish yourself. If you mistake anxiety for hunger, you may eat too much. And if you can't feel when you're satiated, you'll keep eating.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk Intrusive memories -- keep coming and coming Reactivation of previous traumatic events -- those from before the most recent trauma Nightmares Confusion, distractions Highly critical of self -- blaming the self, what I could have done better Preoccupation with the event -- all I can think about Denial of the event “The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.” ― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror Difficulty with decision making Magical thinking that certain behaviors (including avoidance) will protect me against future harm Suicidal ideation, fantasies Physical symptoms: Quotes “Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.” (p.97)” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk, Immediate physical reactions Nausea, gastrointestinal distress Sweating, shivering Fainting Muscle tremors, uncontrollable shaking Racing heart, fast breathing, elevated blood pressure Physical agitation Extreme fatigue, exhaustion Exaggerated startle responses Headaches Ringing in the ears Delayed Physical symptoms Sleep disturbances, insomnia Aches, pains, somatization of psychological distress Appetite change Difficult with digestion Persistent fatigue Elevated cortisol levels Hyperarousal Chronic muscle tension Long-term health problems -- heart, liver, adrenal glands, autoimmune problems, COPD Behavioral Symptoms: Immediate Behavioral Reactions Exaggerated startle responses Restlessness Argumentative behavior Increased use of alcohol, drugs, and tobacco Social withdrawal and relational apathy Avoidant behaviors Delayed Behavioral symptoms Avoidance of activities or places that trigger memories of the even Social relationship disturbances Decreased activity level Engagement in high-risk behaviors Increased use of alcohol and drugs Impulse control problems Social withdrawal, which can lead to isolation “Over time as most people fail the survivor's exacting test of trustworthiness, she tends to withdraw from relationships. The isolation of the survivor thus persists even after she is free.” ― Judith Lewis Herman Difficulty maintaining close relationships Sexual dysfunction Existential Symptoms Immediate Existential Reactions Intense use of prayer Restoration of faith in the goodness of others (e.g., receiving help from others) Loss of self-efficacy Despair about humanity, particularly if the event was intentional Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world Immediate disruption of life assumptions (e.g., fairness, safety, goodness, predictability of life) Delayed Existential Reactions Feeling as though one is permanently damaged Questioning (e.g., “Why me?”) Increased cynicism, disillusionment, about the future, about humankind “Unlike simple stress, trauma changes your view of your life and yourself. It shatters your most basic assumptions about yourself and your world — “Life is good,” “I'm safe,” “People are kind,” “I can trust others,” “The future is likely to be good” — and replaces them with feelings like “The world is dangerous,” “I can't win,” “I can't trust other people,” or “There's no hope.” ― Mark Goulston MD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder For Dummies Increased self-confidence (e.g., “If I can survive this, I can survive anything”) Loss of purpose Renewed faith Hopelessness Reestablishing priorities Redefining meaning and importance of life Reworking life's assumptions to accommodate the trauma (e.g., taking a self-defense class to reestablish a sense of safety) Effects of Trauma -- Going beyond the surface level, what is more readily observable in self or others suffering from trauma Going into survival mode Necessity of coming out of this alive. Very primitive, basic responses. Drive to survive. “We don't learn things that help us to thrive when we are in survival mode. It's only when we are in sensual mode that we do.” ― Lebo Grand Many, many people live chronically in Increasing fragmentation -- decreasing integration Overwhelming intensity of experience. Overwhelming Grief -- episodes 81-83 Integration much more difficult, even impossible in the current conditions We need disconnects -- we need to not know that if A=B and B=C, then A=C, because A=C is too threatening for us Example of little girl with a sexually abusive father -- can't come to the full implications of that without being overwhelmed. Loss of a sense of time “When something reminds traumatized people of the past, their right brain reacts as if the traumatic event were happening in the present. But because their left brain is not working very well, they may not be aware that they are re-experiencing and reenacting the past - they are just furious, terrified, enraged, ashamed, or frozen.” ― Bessel Van Der Kolk Identity issues Who am I? “I felt as though everything inside me had been obliterated. However much I tried, however much I wanted to go back to being who I was before, it was impossible--all that was left was an empty husk of my former self.” ― Shiori Itō, Black Box Shame (episodes 37-49) Trauma generates and activates and exacerbates and perpetuates shame. Generates Shame “Shame is internalized when one is abandoned. Abandonment is the precise term to describe how one loses one's authentic self and ceases to exist psychologically.” ― John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You Genesis 3 Activates Shame Preexisting, unresolved shame can come up. A plausible explanation for why the adverse event happened or is happening. Deep sense of not being loved, not being lovable -- often denied, because it's so painful. “...one of the hardest things to admit is that we weren't loved when we needed it most. It's a terrible feeling, the pain of not being loved.” She was right. I had been groping for the right words to express that murky feeling of betrayal inside, the horrible hollow ache, and to hear Ruth say it—“the pain of not being loved”—I saw how it pervaded my entire consciousness and was at once the story of my past, present, and future.” ― Alex Michaelides Decreased capacity for relationships Decreasing vulnerability within the self or with others Out of touch with so much of ourselves. Lack of Trust “The words "I love you," used to be enough for me. They used to mean the world to me, today they don't mean shit. Oh you love me? Really? Why? How? When did it start? Why? Give me reasons, show me behaviors that PROVE you love me, or get the fuck out of my way. I am not interested in diamonds and platitudes, I want to know that I GENUINELY matter to you, because I don't have time to waste on pretty lies that are ugly beneath the surface.” ― Devon J Hall Desperation Can lead to suicidal impulses. Episodes 76-80. Spiritual Effects God image issues -- episodes 23-29. Unconscious and conscious Problem of evil. What didn't happen Attunement - Daniel Brown and David Elliott Feeling safe and protected afterward Feeling seen, heard, known, and understood -- someone else making sense of the adverse experience “Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.” ― Danielle Bernock, “To survive trauma one must be able to tell a story about it.” ― Natasha Trethewey, Memorial Drive: A Daughter's Memoir Feeling comforted, soothed, calmed, reassured “Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology. Being able to articulate a complex feeling and having our feelings recognised lights up our Limbic brain, and creates an ‘ah-ha' moment. In contrast, being met by silence and incomprehension kills the spirit.” ― Bessel van der Kolk Feeling cherished, treasured, loved, delighted in Feeling that someone had my best interests in mind. Experiential Exercise -- No-Go Zones. Not therapy Pencil or pen and paper -- some way to record -- could be your phone. Safety issues Zone of tolerance If this doesn't suit you, don't do it. Can stop at any time. Take what is helpful to you. No driving, can stop the recording until you're in a good place for it. Asking that no part of you overwhelm you. Not going to open up any traumatic place. We are focused on delineating where those places are within you. Going to the lowest place within us. Really slowing it down Notice what is going on inside you right now. Can you be curious Can you have a big open heart Can you accept what you find if it's not overwhelming Can you be receptive to new ways of understanding yourself. Notice the reactions Body Sensations Emotions Visual Images Memories Inner voice Thoughts or Beliefs or Assumptions Impulses Desires Fantasies Any concerns about this so far? Is it OK? If not discontinue. Not the time. If it's OK, then continue. Word list -- noticing the reactions to 30 words -- write down any words that you notice reactions to and the reactions if you wish -- body sensations, especially, but also the rest of the list. Again, we're not trying to explore any areas of trauma, but if you parts are willing, to understand a bit more about your internal world, your inner experience. School Love Body Not being seen or heard Playground Loneliness Arguing Sickness Alcohol, Drugs Fear Safety Chaos Sex Escape Mom Help Shame Protection Pain Distress Trust Dad Wound Abandonment Abuse Sadness Nothing Guilt Anger Survival Any other words or images or thoughts or anything else in your experience. Gratitude. Future Directions -- where we will be zeroing in This episode was bringing to you the conventional secular understandings of trauma. But there are two area in the secular conceptualizations of trauma that really warrant much deeper exploration. Physiological or bodily response to trauma -- that's the next episode, episode 89 Not just about memories -- not just about psychology Trauma involves the whole person. Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies. Being frightened means that you live in a body that is always on guard. Angry people live in angry bodies. The bodies of child-abuse victims are tense and defensive until they find a way to relax and feel safe. In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past. Bessel Van der Kolk So much happens in our bodies with trauma -- and so much of that is beyond our capacity to control by sheer willpower in the moment. “PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions.” ― Susan Pease Banitt The Body Keeps the Score -- by Bessel Van der Kolk Polyvagal theory -- Steven Porges. Recovery “We cannot outrun our past trauma. We can't bury it and think that we will be fine. We cannot skip the essential stage of processing, accepting, and doing the hard, yet necessary trauma recovery work. There's a body-mind connection. Trauma can manifest itself into chronic physical pain, cancer, inflammation, auto-immune conditions, depression, anxiety, PTSD, Complex PTSD, addictions, and ongoing medical conditions.” ― Dana Arcuri Common treatment modalities -- EMDR and other ways of treating trauma Then we will get into an Internal Family Systems approach to trauma -- episode 90 Then we will bring all this groundwork on trauma together to address the spiritual dimensions of trauma Really neglected area So important. How trauma impacts the spiritual life. You are a listener to this podcast, and in that sense, you are with me. I am also with you! Remember, can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM for our regular conversation hours. I've set that time aside for you. 317.567.9594. (repeat) or email me at email@example.com. Time is running out -- opportunity available only until January 15. The Resilient Catholics Community at Soulsandhearts.com/rcc. So much information there and videos. How did you respond to that experiential exercise? What did you learn? Was that interesting to you? Can you see the potential for doing more of that kind of work? I want to invite you to the Resilient Catholics Community The Why of the RCC -- It's all about loving with your whole heart -- all of your being. Getting over all the natural level issues that hold you back from tolerating being loved and from loving God and others. It's all about your human formation, informed by Internal Family Systems and grounded in our Catholic Faith. If you really are into this podcast, if these ways of conceptualizing the human person and integration and human formation and resilience are appealing to you, then the Resilient Catholics community, the RCC may be for you. What of the RCC $99 nonrefundable registration fee gets you The Initial Measures Kit -- which generates a 5 page report, all about your parts Weekly premium Inner Connections podcast, just for RCC community members --Lots of experiential exercises. A complete course for working on your human formation 44 weekly sessions over the course of a year for $99 per month subscription Check it out -- discernment Process The When of the RCC We open twice per year, next time will be in June 2022, --we've extended the enrollment as far as we can, until January 15. We are open now. Soulsandhearts.com/rcc to register. Call me with questions! 317.567.9594. (repeat) or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. So sign up Soulsandhearts.com/rcc. Waitlist if you get this after January 15.
Today's show focuses on attachment and bonding. Some parents feel immediate love and connection with their new baby, but for many, they struggle to achieve a “normal” bond. The good news is that there are specific steps parents can take to understand the basics of attachment and bonding. Join us to learn more! Beth Warren is a psychotherapist in private practice in San Diego, California. She has a passion for reproductive mental health and has worked in this field for over 20 years. Beth is certified in EMDR therapy and Perinatal Mental Health, specializing in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, birth trauma, pregnancy loss, and infertility. She has worked in both hospital and outpatient psychiatric settings and has led postpartum support groups for new mothers. She is a current member and previously served as the President of the Board of the Postpartum Health Alliance, a nonprofit organization in San Diego dedicated to promoting awareness of Perinatal Mental Health. In addition to working as a therapist and EMDR consultant, she facilitates trainings and is a regular speaker, lecturer, podcast/radio guest. She has written a newly released book called The Pregnancy and Postpartum Mood Workbook, which helps new parents navigate their emotions and build skills towards mental wellness through their journey of parenthood. Show Highlights: The fundamental basics of bonding and attachment How bonding includes feelings of warmth, connection, protection, and responsibility that unfold over time How traumatic births can delay feelings of bonding and attachment How a disruption in attachment from your childhood can play out to delay bonding with your own child How an anxious parent can have an effect on how that child grows up and then parents their own child—and why they might want to parent differently How culture and community can play into parenting because of our experiences in life Why parents have to heal themselves in order to be good parents and break multi-generational patterns How perinatal mood and anxiety disorders can cause delayed bonding, but the good news is that parents can keep working on it How the feedback loop happens as a new baby grows and develops to interact with his parents Why mirror neurons are vitally important for babies to learn from their parents How therapy can help parents learn what they are doing well even when they don't feel the bonding with their baby that they want How Beth works with parents to help them think about what their baby “would thank them for today” How words of affirmation and encouragement can make all the difference for an anxious mom Beth's advice for parents to promote bonding and attachment: Talk to your baby during every chance for interaction. Add singing and other motions with eye contact to help them imitate you. “Wear” your baby in a sling to keep them close to you and practice skin-to-skin touch when possible. Why some parents have the distorted belief that their baby doesn't like them or they are a bad parent when they don't understand how bonding unfolds over time How positive quiet-time intervention can help the struggling parent How Beth's new book, The Pregnancy and Postpartum Mood Workbook, has suggested bonding and attachment exercises Resources: Bethany Warren LCSW Find Beth on Instagram. The Pregnancy and Postpartum Mood Workbook: The Guide to Surviving Your Emotions When Having a Baby by Bethany Warren and Beth Creager Berger
Pete and Aubrey Marcus delve into light, dark & how to use the force.In his newly released feature film Awake in the Darkness, Aubrey takes us on his personal journey.His mission is twofold: help bring light to the ancient consciousness technology of darkness, and in sharing my own struggles, help you to know that whatever you are feeling, you are not alone."I've had many difficult experiences, from relentless Ayahuasca sits, inescapable sweat lodges, biting mountain cold, and face-mangling car accidents. But never have I been broken like the darkness broke me. I have lived my life committed to sharing the truth, but this film is another level of vulnerability. I've never cried like this, prayed like this, or even laughed like this in front of anyone.The darkness is the contrast for all of our light. In my time spent in the black I understood how scared I was to love and be loved. How much of the world I had taken for granted. I understand now why this is one of the oldest ceremonies on earth."'Awake in the Darkness' Trailer belowWatch the full feature at AubreyMarcus.comDue to extreme censorship and shadow banning, we have created a platform challenging the mainstream paradigm,to create a space to share vision and views, to create long term sustainable health solutions.To express without censorship and restriction. To allow freedom of speech and interest in ideas that will allow humanity to Evolve…Become part of the solution.We hope you've enjoyed the first half of this podcast - if you'd like to listen to the rest, please visit the Evolve Network https://evolvenetwork.tv/channel/aubrey-marcus-use-the-forceI'd love to know your thoughts and experiences - join the conversation on my Facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/theevolvenetworkpeteevansInstagram @evolvenetworktvhttps://www.instagram.com/theevolvenetworktv/Follow Pete Evans accounts here https://linktr.ee/peteevans
The next step in understanding attachment and Trust-Based Relational Intervention is the new book, The Connected Parent, by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls, with great assistance from Emmelie Pickett. On this episode, we interview Lisa and Emmelie about connected parenting.In this episode, we cover:Understanding the foundations of attachment.What do parents bring to the situation that influences how their children attach.Using “scripts” to help you implement Trust-Based Relational Intervention.Coping with chronic fear in our kids.Coping with parental fear that things will never improve or that our children will never be able to heal.How to discipline the TBRI® way.How to teach respect.Understanding how sensory issues can be confused with attachment issues.This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them. Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:Weekly podcastsWeekly articles/blog postsResource pages on all aspects of family buildingPlease leave us a rating or review RateThisPodcast.com/creatingafamilySupport the show (https://creatingafamily.org/donation/)
A special holiday treat this week, as Steph is joined by her sister, Anna. Although the two couldn't be more different, they were able to sit down civilly for (only) a half hour. No sisters were harmed in the production of this podcast, despite low blood sugar keeping it short and sweet. The two discuss: - What it's like being adopted - A different view on adoption - Feeling like an outcast in your own family, regardless of being loved - The privilege of knowing your genetics - Codepency and what it really means - Attachment styles - Epigenetic trauma + more! Host: @stephteagan Guest: @anna_albs Email: email@example.com -
When something unexpected or unplanned occurs in our lives we often let out a "Why is this happening to me"? This question is not only disempowering but also unproductive as it only serves to satisfy the mind's obsession of trying to find answers where none exist. Instead of asking this question, in this episode we show how to be constructive and turn this question internally where we can gain valuable perspectives on where shifts need to be made to get closer to Overall Wellness.Other Relevant Episodes:The Benefit of Living a Life of Overall Wellnesshttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/the-benefit-of-living-a-life-of-overall-wellnessThe 5 External Questions and the 1 Internal Wise Whyhttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/the-5-external-questions-and-the-1What are the Five Levels of Overall Wellnesshttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/what-are-the-five-levels-of-overall-wellnessHow to Utilize the Concept of Attachment to Further Self Growthhttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/how-to-utilize-the-concept-of-attachment-to-further-self-growthAnxiety Management & Relief From an Energetic Perspectivehttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/anxiety-management-relief-from-an-energetic-perspectiveRedefining Freedom: We May Not Be As Free As We Thinkhttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/redefining-freedom-we-may-not-be-as-free-as-we-thinkTaking a Look at Resentment and How it can Affect Us on All Five Levelshttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/taking-a-look-at-resentment-and-how-it-can-affect-us-on-all-five-levelsA Powerful Tool for Navigating the Emotional Process: The Three Rshttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/the-three-rsHow to Be an Internal Investigator and Utilize this Frequency Based Philosophy to Further Emotional Responsibility & Accountabilityhttps://wisewhyspodcast.simplecast.com/episodes/how-to-be-an-internal-investigator-and
On the tail end of the "giving and receiving holidays," we're also coming to the close of a huge energetic shifting phase. What "things" are we still attached to? What holds us back, "in the old"? Our ego's sense of comfort often holds us in wants and needs that are very "thing" (and egoic emotion) driven. Yet, we're truly coming to a new, powerful phase in consciousness that is truly consciousness driven... and thus fueled more by energy and Presence. What does this mean? What is there to look at? Join us to find out!
Nicki is a military wife and a stay at home mom to two beautiful boys. She and her husband, James would love to have many more kiddos. Her family is from Seattle, but they are currently stationed in San Diego for the next few years. Nicki is a home & free birth advocate who is training to be a birth keeper and childbirth educator. She is passionate about educating women on the realities of abuse within the birth space, as she experienced it firsthand. She recently co-founded the Coffee and Consent podcast to help women learn more about what birth should really look like. Nicki's Previous episode on the Be Loud About What Matters podcast:https://healthy-balanced-birth-and-beyond-ba25280d.simplecast.com/episodes/unnecessary-medical-intervention-trusting-your-body-and-homebirth-with-nicki-frenchThe Coffee + Consent Podcast - People Pleasinghttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/9-people-pleasing-the-reasons-and-the-repercussions/id1580468807?i=1000543319103Connect with Nicki on Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/nicki.french/Coffee + Consent on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coffeeandconsent/
Adult friendships. Confrontations. Empathy. Responsibilities. We confront our uncomfortable thoughts and compare our friendship and partnership to a romantic relationship. They talk about their mental health and how that has affected their time management and relationships.Takeaways:Having doubts about something does not mean you don't want itAdult friendships need maintenance and check-ins from both sidesHealthy friendships mean you can share uncomfortable feelings with each otherConsistency and kindness is more important than frequency and big gesturesLife gets in the way and friendships require managing expectationsMentions & Resources:How to be a Better FriendHow to Not Suck as a Friend — Communicate BetterWhy Friendships Are So Important for Health and Well-BeingMaking Good FriendsDid you enjoy this episode? The best way to support this show is by listening and sharing with a friend. If you would like to buy a coffee or bubble, we would love that too.---- Connect with us:Website: www.shitwedonttellmom.comSend us an audio message by clicking here!Instagram @shitwedonttellmom Email: firstname.lastname@example.orgSupport us with a bubble tea: www.ko-fi.com/swdtm ----Interested in creating your own podcast?We use Buzzsprout as our host because they seamlessly link to major podcast platforms and make it really easy to read analytics. They also have an awesome support team. Sign up today and get a $20 Amazon gift card and we get a little something too. Yes this is an affiliate link because we use them too. Support the show (https://ko-fi.com/swdtm)
Over the years Bronwyn and I have built a friendship, and I've come to trust and care about her. Today she exercises her vulnerability muscles, no not the physical ones, and we talk about racism at orgies and briefly touch on orgasms. She even models what accountability for racism can look like. I appreciate her so much. We talk about our origin story and attachment as well. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intimate-interactions/message
What's your attachment style? Chances are, you know the answer. But what if we told you it didn't matter? Attachment theory is nice to know. But here's the truth: It won't fix your relationships. So let's talk about attachment theory. The good. The bad. And what you REALLY need to be doing to get back the love and security in your polyamorous relationships.
Discover how result attachment might be showing up for you in your business right now, and why it's such a harmful habit. Find out how to know if you're attached to your results in your business, what causes you to feel attached to your goals, and how to solve for result attachment. Get full show notes and more information here: https://lindseymangocoaching.com/091
How do we raise our kids to be thoughtful humans who feel good on the inside, but also do good on the outside? The answer, it turns out, may relate more to the questions we ask than the lessons we teach. In this week's episode, Dr. Becky talks with Lauren Bush Lauren, the founder of FEED, a social action business, and a mom of three. Together they think through ways to help kids develop awareness, perspective, and gratitude. They talk about the importance of teaching your child how to think, not what to think, and why asking questions that your child doesn't have answers for is part of a strategy of cultivating thoughtfulness. Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside/ Subscribe for weekly strategies and scripts:https://goodinside.com/newsletter/ Learn more with Dr. Becky's workshops: https://learning.goodinside.com/ Today's episode is brought to you by the following sponsors: POSTABLE. Let the team at Postable send your holiday cards now at www.postable.com and get 20% off with the code GOODINSIDE FEED is an impact driven lifestyle brand on a mission to end childhood hunger. Head to www.feedprojects.com/drbecky for an exclusive offer on your first purchase.
In this episode, Dr Nader addresses the subject of Attachment. Is attachment always good? Is it necessary, unavoidable, or does it bind us? Find out what attachment is and how it affects our life. Like this show? Please leave us a review here! Download a copy of your own One Unbounded Ocean of Consciousness here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08Z7C9WHB/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i0 Episode Resources: Dr Tony Nader | Instagram instagram.com/drtonynader Dr Tony Nader | LinkedIn linkedin.com/company/dr-tony-nader Dr Tony Nader | Facebook facebook.com/DrTonyNader Dr Tony Nader | Twitter twitter.com/drtonynader
We have come to inhabit a hopelessly flat and prosaic and disenchanted world, even though it is anything but. It's not the world that has become disenchanted, but rather our collective perceptual habits of mind that have created filters that have all but blocked out the soul qualities that are there whether we filter them out or not. Jack Whelan Where is God? If he is so real, why doesn't he show himself? Where are the miracles? The irrefutable evidence? If God exists and he really is a God of love, why does he allow so much suffering? Why do those who claim to believe in God often seem to have so much hate for others? All of these are valid questions, to be sure. If God is real and wants us to believe in him, why doesn't he simply allow us to see him? He does, but we have largely lost our ability to see. One of the primary reasons we fail to perceive the divine is the increasing social demand that we constrain our powers of perception to only those allowed under the totalitarian jurisdiction of objective consciousness, where all that exists is reduced to the world of all objects outside of us and the reasoning power of one small object inside of us. This new world order, which we might also call scientism, would explain the metaphysical away by definition, leaving us devoid of the divine and disoriented by disenchantment. This oppressive force serves as a creeping, collective cataract that increasingly blinds our third eye. Today, we will offer a surgical procedure to remove the cataracts of objective consciousness and restore divine sight to the those who long to see. Source Scripture Matthew 5:8 Connect Twitter: @AwestruckPod Email: email@example.com Extras The Awestruck Podcast musical playlist (Apple I Spotify)
In the times that we close out the year, Guy and I get introspective. So we figured we get introspective extrovertly in today's episode and talk about some of the things that have been coming up. What we have noticed in our lives, how we are looking to close out the year and start the new one. So we thought we'd have a conversation around that. 2021 has been a year with great challenges for many of us. And it's been no different for us. We've been through some really hard times too. However, these challenges lead us to look deeper within and do even more work on ourselves. I shed more tears in the last six months than I have in the 38 years of my life - I needed this grieving process to heal”Guy Ferdman The inner work we've done over the last five-six years has truly paid off because at times we've been challenged to the point of wondering how we are even going to get through this. In today's episode, we want to give you a breakdown of the insights that we've gotten over this year after going through these challenging times. Tune in as we share our stories of navigating through tough times and coming out on the other side of them with more well-being, more joy, and more abundance. Episode Resources: In Today's Episode: We Look Back At 2021 As A Whole And Reflect On It The Biggest Challenges We Had To Face We Share Insights On Our Breakthroughs The Secrets That Have Transformed Our Lives This Year ....And MUCH MORE! The energy behind the action is what is going to create your resultsIlan FerdmanLearn More About Satori Prime Founded in 2011, Satori Prime is a personal development, leadership, and spiritual growth organization that caters to people across the globe. We offer digital products, community coaching events, a weekly podcast episode, group, and private coaching, as well as corporate training. On special occasions, we hold groundbreaking live events or retreats. The founders speak on stages all over the world to spread the important mission of elevating human potential and liberating ourselves from painful patterns that run most people's lives on autopilot. Guy and Ilan Ferdman are blood brothers and founders of Satori Prime. They have combined 36+ years of coaching in the fields of business, leadership, personal development, and spiritual growth. Their application of psychology & neuroscience combined with ancient practices of energetics gives them a unique approach to problem-solving and transforming lives. Plus, their sense of humor and charismatic nature makes their teaching style fun and effective. Timestamps 2.30 Ilan's year 10.00 Why you can't fully heal alone 15.00 Subconscious mind 23.00 Attachment styles 28.00 Understand each other as brothers 35.00 Why foundations are key Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In this fascinating dharma talk, Rev. ZiYoung deftly compares the push and pull of magnets to the push and pull of our discriminating mind. Our judgments act like magnets that grasp and repel people and ideas; and when we release these polarized forces, our mind opens into all-embracing freedom, and our suffering ends. https://www.wonbuddhismnc.org
Attachment causes pain and suffering. Preferences are really fun. How can we design a life that is FULL of fun preferences without getting caught up in attachments? Let's figure this out together! Michelle@GrowBy1.com SEARCH ENGINE --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/michelle-burkhard/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/michelle-burkhard/support
On this episode we feature Orion Queer (@Orionqueertherapy on Instagram), a queer therapist who chose to forego licensure in order to best serve clients in a way that aligns with their values. We get an origin story that centers around minimal queer and alternative identity representation in academics and healthcare. We talk attachment theory and the disorganized attachment style and how challenging it is for queer identifying and non monogamous folks to identify where they fit in. What's wild is that the main thing I wanted to discuss is the last thing we touched on, the difference between a therapist and a life coach lol.
How do we heal the pain created by reaching for our person and finding they aren't there? We've all experienced hurt and disappointment in relationships. When a healthy attachment is present, the pain is acknowledged, and you move past it together. However, when there's an attachment injury, the process of moving forward is blocked... Dr. Sue Johnson defines an attachment injury as a “feeling of betrayal or abandonment during a critical time of need.” If our lover isn't there for us in those moments or doesn't show up, it's incredibly painful, and our bodies are smart enough to avoid future pain. The pain we experience in these moments is sent to our limbic system. In response, our limbic system releases stress hormones, alerts our amygdala to danger, and embeds a message in the hippocampus that says, “Do not depend on this person again.” The good news is that it's never too late to heal an attachment injury! The body and the brain stand outside of time. Our bodies hold memories, and we can go back to them and heal them now. While you can't change what happened, you can change how you feel about what happened, which can change everything. Let's talk about HOW to heal these attachment wounds… together.
Today, I'm speaking with Catherine Young, a therapist, author and an expert in all things attachment. Catherine talks about attachment theory and how you can use attachment-based parenting with your foster children. Find out more about Catherine Young here: https://m-mat.org/
In this episode Lauren McClain and Dr. Brendan Riordan will discuss Vince Gowman's article, "Evolving to Early Childhood Attachment and Outdoor Play," appearing in issue 71 of Pathways to Family Wellness Magazine. Digital and print issues of the magazine can be ordered here: https://store.pathwaystofamilywellness.org/content/subscribe
How can we engage the rhythm of regulation to live longer and healthier? How has our internal response Covid impacted our health? Dr. Stephen Porges joins Adam and Naresh to discuss these issues and how we feel about our body impacts our overall health. Stephen is a Distinguished University Scientist at the Kinsey Institute and professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill in North Carolina, and former Director of the Brain-Body Center in the department of psychiatry at the University of Illinois at Chicago; former president of the Society for Psychophysiological Research and has been president of the Federation of Behavioral, Psychological and Cognitive Sciences (now called the Federation of Associations in Behavioral & Brain Sciences bestselling author of The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation, The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe and The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Website: www.StephenPorges.com www.Patreon.com/WorkFromHomeShow www.WorkFromHomeShow.com
We need to change the narrative that motherhood is all about sacrifice. Here's a new narrative: You can't show up for your kids unless you show up for yourself. This week, Dr. Becky hears from three parents who struggle with self-care in different ways. She explores why this is such a common challenge for people, and how to approach each struggle with compassionate curiosity. You'll leave this episode with thoughtful questions to consider about your relationship to your own needs and practical strategies to start fulfilling them. Remember, two things are true: You can take care of the people around you *and* take care of yourself. Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside/ Subscribe for weekly strategies and scripts:https://goodinside.com/newsletter/ Learn more with Dr. Becky's workshops: https://learning.goodinside.com/ Today's episode is brought to you by the following sponsors: FEED is an impact driven lifestyle brand on a mission to end childhood hunger. Every FEED purchase helps provide school meals to kids in need. Head to www.feedprojects.com/drbecky for an exclusive offer on your first purchase. Outschool has over 150,000 live interactive classes for kids. Go to www.outschool.com/goodinside and use the code GOODINSIDE to get $20 off your first class.
Are you aware of your attachment style in relationships? Do you know what activates you into feeling insecure in a relationship? Knowing your attachment style will be hugely beneficial in understanding how you relate to other people. In this episode we consider whether your mindset is determined by your attachment style. We ask whether an insecure attachment style is more likely to lead to a fixed mindset and conversely whether a growth mindset can contribute to changing your attachment style. We briefly discuss the four attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships: secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive and fearful-disorganised. Neither attachment styles nor mindsets are set in stone - a growth mindset can contribute to developing security in relationships.
Continuing where we left off with Courtney and Czander and attachment to disconnect from the 3-6-9 Bermuda Triangle. — (9:26) How does a good attachment form for attachment types if attaching is based on not being seen? — (17:13) 9s needing contrast and negation to find themselves and resisting being located — (22:52) Attachment types exist in shifting context, which makes them resistant to pinning down self-location and identity — (29:58) How 9s are open but ‘not there' in their attachments, and how that gets in the way of relationships — (46:58) Courtney explains how a healthy attachment for a 6 helps affirm and trust her intuition — (53:50) Nancy explains how 3 shame helps her individuate — (57:10) Attachment types are listening and the hexad types are not — (1:06:02) Attachment types take their identity too seriously Tune in this week to hear John and Emeka on the Enneagram Global Summit. Sign up with our links: https://shiftnetwork.infusionsoft.com/go/egs21JohnL/JohnL https://shiftnetwork.infusionsoft.com/go/egs21a23961/a23961 If you haven't already, go buy John's book on amazon or barnesandnoble: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0578784971/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_VZ3VZVEG0M1RY42AWN2T Call the Loveline with your comments and thoughts about the show at (323) 696-0647 to be featured on our 100th episode. Or you can also email firstname.lastname@example.org with a pre-recorded voice message.
Have you been having a hard time staying productive during the winter months? Do you feel more tired than usual? We've been struggling to keep up with our responsibilities and we think it has to do with the weather. In this episode, we talk about how the seasons affect us, why it's hitting different this year, and how we overcome it. Enjoy! Need advice? Come talk to us every Sunday at 6 PM PST on Spotify Greenroom! https://spotifygr.link/VY1g0puT6kb Socials: @teenagertherapy Website: teenagertherapy.com teenagertherapy.com Send Us Something: P.O. Box 8396 Anaheim, CA 92812 National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-2433 Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696 National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders: 1-847-831-3438 National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE Crisis Text Line (U.S.A.): Text CONNECT to 741741 The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1.800.656.HOPE) 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)
Becoming a parent is really hard. And part of what makes it hard is the unrealistic narrative about what parenthood should feel like. In this Deep Dive episode, Dr. Becky has a real, raw, say-it-how-it-is discussion about parenthood with one of her favorite new friends, Myleik Teele, a multi-hyphenate career woman, mom, and founder of CURLBOX. Myleik and Dr. Becky don't hold anything back: They share their experiences of their transitions to parenthood, why the first year is so hard, and what they wish people told them before becoming mothers. The two walk through creating an “emotional registry” that goes beyond swaddles, bottles, and toys to consider *your* needs as a person, not just a parent. They talk honestly about what you may lose when you bring a new child into your family. And they share scripts for talking with your partner, so you can enter parenthood feeling connected. While no podcast episode can single-handedly make parenthood any easier, this one will help you feel less alone in all the tricky moments that are sure to come. Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside/ Subscribe for weekly strategies and scripts:https://goodinside.com/newsletter/ Learn more with Dr. Becky's workshops: https://learning.goodinside.com/ Today's episode is brought to you by the following sponsors: Rent The Runway. Check out Rent The Runway's monthly membership at www.renttherunway.com and get 40% off with code GOODINSIDE. Outschool has over 150,000 live interactive classes for kids. Go to www.outschool.com/goodinside and use the code GOODINSIDE to get $20 off your first class.
Feeling hungry for love but a desire for space at the same time in really extreme ways? In this episode we go over the least talked about attachment, disorganized baby! Clementine and I are both disorganized attachers and we go into how disorganized attachment may occur, what the symptoms are of disorganized attachment, why it's such a bitch and ways we can cope. If you're unfamiliar with attachment theory head back to episode #53 with Silvy where we discuss what attachment theory! Follow Clementine here www.instagram.com/clementinemorrigan Don't forget to rate and review this podcast if it's ever given you value! And please share an episode on social media and tag @kenziebrenna and @conversationswithkenzie to potentially get a surprise! We're constantly giving stuff away to say thank you for your endless support. Produced by Brett Kibbler
"If we feel secure, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams." —Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., authors of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love Until we know the priceless gift of peace security in relationships of any type bring into our everydays, it can seem unfathomable to trust such peace is possible. On the flip-side, if all that we have ever known due to the good fortunate of our upbringing with secure, loving parents and community is a life and way of being that enables us to try, explore, and soar, then it isn't until we meet someone or try to engage with someone who is insecure that we realize the awesomeness of being secure in a relationship. During the height of the pandemic lockdowns, a book that was published in 2010 hit record sales as those in relationships sought advice on how to strengthen their relationships, those desiring a relationship inquired how to be and find and build a secure relationship and wherever else readers may have fallen on the continuum of wondering about relationships picked up the book Attached.: The new sequence of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love by Dr. Amir Levin and Rachel S.F. Heller. Without the tools or knowledge to understand what feeling and behaving in a secure way might be, we do our best to navigate the emotions that naturally arise when we take the risk of meeting someone knew and intertwining two different people's lives into one, yet hoping to ensure contentment for both. However, if we don't know ourselves well, don't know how to communicate clearly, yet kindly and without harm, and our partner doesn't either know themselves well or doesn't communicate effectively, how are we know what works for the two individuals involved? The good news for all of us is that having a Secure attachment style can be learned. We are not born with or without it. We are taught or modeled different attachment styles during childhood and then through adulthood; the key is to be aware and knowledgeable of each, and to acquire and practice the skills of being Secure. And as for seeking out a partner, become a secure adult enables to understand what is shown from those we consider entering into a relationship with so that we choose wisely and engage in a healthy manner to put the odds in our favor of finding and keeping a healthy, loving relationship. "Time and again, research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style." Benefits of being a secure individual in life and in relationships: high levels of relationship satisfaction high levels of commitment in relationships high levels of trust in relationships What are the characteristics of a secure individual? First, it is important to note that you cannot determine simply by looking at someone that they are secure. Simply because someone is friendly, likable and sociable does not mean they are secure. The author adamantly refutes the belief that a secure individual can be determined by their "charm, composure and/or self-confidence. As with other attachment styles, personality or physical traits won't give secures away. Secure people fit almost every description across the personality spectrum." But back to the question: what are the characteristics of a secure individual? "(1) They are programmed to expect their partners to be loving and responsive and (2) don't worry much about losing their partner's love. (3) They feel extremely comfortable with intimacy and closeness and (4) have an uncanny ability to communicate their needs and (5) respond to their partners' needs." I picked up the book early this fall after reading an article in The New York Times by Foster Kamer. While I had heard of the three, technically four different types of attachment styles, I had never deeply explored them to fully understand them. Of course, being, feeling and engaging with Secure attachment styles sounded to me to be a no-brainer, but I knew I didn't always fall into that category . . . and I wanted to. For the sake of my own well-being, but also for all relationships I was part of, especially an intimate, romantic relationship, I chose to pick up the book and become a student. Guessing how to be Secure didn't seem to me to be a recipe for success, so I chose to be a student, purchased the book, and have since read it three times, re-reading certain sections based on what I needed to more fully understand. Once I read the book I knew I wanted to bring it to listeners of the podcast and readers of TSLL blog, so today, I will be sharing 13 skills and insights for becoming a Secure adult in relationships. By no means is what I share with you today the full breadth and depth of what the book details, so I highly recommend, if this topic interests you, to pick up the book. Let's get started. ~Note to Readers: Be sure to tune in to the audio version as each point listed below is discussed in detail, content that is not included in the written post. 1. Understand the Dependency Paradox "Does [being programmed to connect with someone special] mean that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up other aspects of our life such as our careers or friends? Paradoxically, the opposite is true! It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us who we can count on—this is the "dependency paradox". (p. 29) "If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. Once you understand this, you've grasped the essence of attachment theory." 2. Understand your current attachment style (it can change, it is not permanent) "Attachment styles are stable but plastic. Knowing your specific attachment profile will help you understand yourself better and guide you in your interactions with others. Ideally this will result in more happiness in your relationships." Know thyself. A common refrain here on TSLL blog and podcast, but the truth is you need to know where you are now in order to acquire the correct instructions to arrive at your desired destination. 3. Learn how to effectively communicate your needs - be clear and kind "[Secure individuals] are able to sensitively and empathetically—and most importantly, coherently—discuss their emotions". Speaking at someone is different than speaking with someone, and how we speak with someone will determine the potential for our needs to be heard. To speak with kindness is to be inoffensive and to "not put your partner on the spot". Use "I feel" statements or "I need" statements to express why you wish to share what you are sharing. The practice of effective communication stretches across all types of relationships and it is never too early or too late to start. Often our goal in communicating is to gain what we desire, but the truth is, we may not immediately gain what we desire, but we will at least become clear about who can or cannot be what we need or give us what we need. Of course, immediate actions from our partner, friend, child or boss doesn't mean they cannot or won't be able to as sometimes it takes time to process, to work on logistics, etc., but if you don't effectively and kindly communicate your needs, no one will know them. "Effective communication is the quickest, most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet your needs." 4. Don't play games 5. Refrain from engaging in the 'relationship dance' Defined as 'one partner getting closer while the other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the relationship at all times', with a secure partner you don't step too closely too quickly, simply at a steady and reasonable pace that the two people involved feel comfortable moving. There is no rushing as there is a groundedness in one's self and a secure person is "comfortable with closeness" and isn't afraid to step forward once they know themselves and who they are stepping toward or someone they want to get to know better. This is not to say a secure person knows it will work out, but rather they have a sense of steady assurance in themselves and that what they give is real and worth exploring. ~Post to explore: 10 Ways to Strengthen Your Self-Worth 6. View "sex and emotional intimacy as one" Distance is created when the two are separated. Again, such a view speaks to the ability to be comfortable with closeness once both partners have been vulnerable beyond the bedroom as they get to know each other and are drawn to each other beyond the physical chemistry. 7. Responsive and expect it in return (remember, no games) Having communicated their needs and listening sincerely to their partner's needs, the reciprocity of responsiveness rather than dismissal strengths the trust and intimate connection. 8. Be available Physically and emotionally being present for your partner is the action of a secure individual. When we communicate our needs and tend to them as well as observe our partner is responsive to our needs, we in turn are also showing up and making ourselves available. 9. Support without interference "Provide behind-the-scenes-support for [your partner's] endeavors." Allowing your partner to pursue what they are passionate about, helping without over-taking or taking the credit so that their gifts shine is the support of a secure individual. As a secure individual you are helping because you want to support your partner, yet are securely tending to your own passions and need no spotlight, need not be in control, rather only present to help as needed without being recognized by anyone other than your partner. 10. Understand there are many potential partners 11. Don't feel a need to act defensively or punish In other words, secure individuals can see a situation more objectively. They can effectively diffuse the conflict, observe in their partner what really provoked their outburst or anger, and not add fuel to the fire. 12. More likely to step into a healthy relationship We must keep in mind that a secure individual tends to be savvy in their partner selection. It doesn't mean if you are secure, you will always select a secure partner, but through clear and effective communication as the getting to know you phase unfolds, you can observe red flags early-on and find the right partner more easily. I didn't say quickly, but does help you not step forward too far with someone who would not be the right person. 13. Expects to be treated with respect, dignity and love Dovetailing with #12, a secure person begins any relationship with effectively communicating their needs which is why knowing yourself highly benefits the ability to choose a partner to begin to get to know. The fundamental foundation piece for a healthy relationship is believing, yes, knowing, you are worthy of respect because you extend it in your everyday life. When you present yourself to a potential partner holding yourself in a space of self-respect, knowing you deserve to be treated with dignity and love, then you can quickly discern to whom to begin engaging with and whom to walk away from. Of course, even as this book points out, research findings change with hindsight, time and more examination, and it is never wise to take an entire book at face-value but rather to read with a critical mind and discerning objectivity. However, what I am confident you will find is that no matter what your relationship status when you apply the tools and skills explored and taught in this book, you will find a deeper peace and inner calm that you may not have had prior to including them in your life. After all, at the core of the definition of contentment is to find a peace within no matter what is swirling about outside of you. How we choose to engage, what we step forward toward and refrain from engaging in determines the quality of our lives, and if we apply the knowledge we have about ourselves and what we desire to cultivate in our everydays which absolutely, relationships play a significant role, we begin to realize the amazing gift we give ourselves when we become a secure adult. Petit Plaisir —Winter Flower Bouquet with Ornamental Cabbages Click on the link above to learn more about how to arrange your own bouquet - so simple and quite inexpensive (under $20). SIMILAR POSTS YOU MIGHT ENJOY 5 Things to Do to Build Healthy Relationships, episode #287 Grown-Ups vs. Adults: 15 Differences 34 Ways to Attain Emotional Freedom and Cultivate More Joy of Living, episode #275 ~The Simple Sophisticate, episode #318 ~Subscribe to The Simple Sophisticate: iTunes | Stitcher | iHeartRadio | YouTube | Spotify | Amazon Music
If your child escalates quickly, struggles to calm down, and hates talking about their feelings… there's nothing wrong with them. And there's nothing wrong with you. Your kid is probably a Deeply Feeling Kid. In this week's episode, Dr. Becky hears from three parents of DFKs and explains why these kids need a different approach—and what that approach looks like. She shares scripts and strategies to help you show up as a sturdy leader, put up boundaries to stop difficult behavior, and bring out the good inside your child. Dr. Becky also reminds parents that seeking additional support for your DFK is a sign of everything that's *right* in your family: You're willing to work through the tricky things, together. Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside/ Subscribe for weekly strategies and scripts:https://goodinside.com/newsletter/ Learn more with Dr. Becky's workshops: https://learning.goodinside.com/ Today's episode is brought to you by the following sponsors: The team at Primary. Check out the wide range of options at www.primary.com and get 20% off your first order with code GOODINSIDE. Rent The Runway. Check out Rent The Runway's monthly membership at www.renttherunway.com and get 40% off with code GOODINSIDE.