Roaring Mouse

After a long day of moving people's homes and managing all sorts of random challenges, I get home, shower, make a coffee attend to some administrative tasks and by 6:00 p.m. vape some weed and get in touch with some of my clients to discuss logistics. 

How to deal with destabilisation when feeling isolated and depressed. An exploration of how violent men cope with traumatic and life altering challenges. 

Do violent thoughts make us violent? Is it okay to intimidate a bully? Are we going against our nature when we renounce violence? 

Last week we had individual meetings.  Best to skip to about 10 minutes in. The audio is shit, but the content great. There's a guy who likes to kill animals. He works ina hospital, night shift. There's a guy who considers himself superior to everyone in terms of intelligence. This week I talk about empathy, describing a situation without blame, understanding the social programming which makes us define ourselves thus rating ourselves. I describe a fight I had with Lisa and the aftermath, of using people, questioning whether I ever cared about someone purely. I speak of the true tragedy that Lisa is living.

Discussing the motivation behind smothering someone with a pillow. 

"I cannot help the person that I have harmed," this was Aebner who said this and I understand its truth. I talk about the addiciton of violence, the language of condemnation, my resolve to be nice to customer service people, to not use ultimatums, to move away from the language of violence. 

Tonight there are two new participants: Ryan who likes to kill animals for the fun of it and is on Anti-Psychotics. He works in a hosptial as an aide.  Then there is Scott who is unable to take responsibility for his violence as he keeps justifying it by claiming that is wife is not following the rules. Aebner is apparently maing real progress as his wife's family have become aware of the tension in his relationship with his wife and are coming to offer support twice a week. I talk about feeling suicidal given the plethora of negative emotions and sense of guilt and shame for my past conduct which have hurt others. I speak of suicide as a just punishment for past ills. Unlike Scott who cites a platitude, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," I believe that there is recognition of it being a solution however permanent and the provision is for temporary problems. What in the case is done when the problem is endemic? 

I completely lose it on my cell phone provider for receiving notifications despit having my phone on "Do Not Disturb". I tell them that I am mentally ill and becoming increasingly violent and that they need to find a sollution. 

In this meeting, we have Pierre, the older counselor, Conrad, as usual,  Reuben, the Mexican drummer who beats his wife and talks funny as well as me, of course. I discuss what I believe is one of the roots of my violence. I speak of my instruction manual and of wanting to be a man and define myself. Everytime I ask for approval, I am diminishing myself. I discuss hardcore ways of dealing with men who are violent as part of my "Fema-Save" campaign.I talk about wanting to die a hero given I've lived as a monster. 

The meeting starts off with Jean-Pierre, or whatever the older guy's name is, saying that he is present at the beginning in a supervisory role and to guide the other two social workers: Conrad and Karl, into becoming excellent councillors. I suggest that Karl emote. I say that he is like a very intercative AI. A new member joined us. His name is Ruben, a Mexican with a beard and a (self proclaimed) funny voice. He is an alcoholic and hits his wife mostly when inebriated. Tonight, I really delve into the addiciton and pleasure of violence. I feel that Karl is too tame. He is not bringing the guys back to specific moments. I do. I really push these guys. I tap into my violent demons. I let them speak. Karl remarks at the end how impressed he is with my honesty. It is the demon's honesty.Aebner shares what fucks him up in an argument, a tone, a comment, how he feels disrespected, his face goes dark as he's transported and then he remarks on how the beginning of the fight was so silly that he can laugh about it here during group. I suggest that the true strength comes in being able to find the funny in that moment of anger. He looks at me skeptically. All I think is how nice it would be to be the superhero. Rise above. Save everyone. But I am the montster they run from. There is so much funny material here. I end with a killer joke.  Listen to the end to understand the punchline that is the title of this episode. 

Tonight I am the only person present until Aebner logs on half an hour into the session and moments before I finish with a point. It is awkward seeing him. His eyes are red, he appears drunk but it could be the fatigue from doing night shifts. Life is truly harsh for some. The stress and pressure make me more susceptible to violence- that is my takeaway for the night. Perhaps I will unburden myself from these shakles of consumption and a lifestyle that requires my soul to sustain it. 

Today I talk about avoiding violence.  Violence will never disappear but it can be harnessed. Wielded only by wisdom. I am applying Jordan Peterson's 12 stepf of life. Karl, the social worker, knows him. He is quiet and explores. He is like Phil, the therapist, from the other group. I share how I have been researching trauma techniques. Tim is present and he talks about the persistent violence in his dysfunctional relationship with a hot younger girl. He finds comfort in speaking with her ex. He will be doing couple therapy in order to find validation. 

I call up Lisa who's doing a pharmaceutical study (getting paid $5000 non-taxed dollars) and we start chatting about a host of topics which includes but is not limited to: Kyle Rittenhouse, the Aubry murder, radicalisation  in Western culture. We discuss Reality Winners and her four year incarceration for leaking one creased paper she snuck out of the NSA-  same place Edward Snowdon worked.Lisa tells me Shatner flew into space. We discover that Autistics and Psychopaths  have components of the limbic system (responsible for emotional processes) that are undeveloped. I touch upon Jeff Ross's use of humour to cover his malignant soul. We circle around Daniel Tosh being cancelled  by the culture of comedians. I bring up a point about Systemic racism and how it may not exist as per Larry Elder's beliefs who happens to be a black man. 

This is my first online meeting with this newly formed group. Present are the three social workers: Pierre with 36 years of service, Karl who is perpetually quiet and Conrad the most talkative of the three. We are three participants: Me, Tim, a meek, moody musician and Abener, an Ethiopian with intimidating tats. He's lost his five kids due to violence. Tim has thrown dishes and contemplated suicide. The value of this recording is that I attempt to formulate a template, a technical manual of sorts so that the participants can identify and then implement the instructions required to bypass the linear escalation of violence.  When I speak, I do so with the intent of giving the participants a specific, concrete thing that they can look for in order to identify the incipient stages of violence. Shallow breathing is a good thing to be aware of as it signals a physiological response to a situation and that it is time to decompress. The challenge though is that there is a perception of gaining when engaging in violence. There is empowerment, there is pleasure. There is a cost too. And if we can hold on to our rational minds for that extra second, that might be the difference between a fight where shit was said versus one where someone's dead. We are the captains of our own ship, no one else will steer it, especially in turbulent waters. We need to keep it from ship wrecking. I speak frankly of what I've done, who I am. What I am aware of, my ignorance.  My thoughts are frank, brutal, violent. I think it's important to not pussy foot around a behaviour that leads to femicide. Other influences include, Jordan Peterson, Alain de Botton, Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K. John Oliver, George Carlin, Norman Macdonald, Joe Rogan,  David Letterman, the  documentary Maiden Voyage, Sweeney Todd. 

My quasi wife and I are having a heated discussion about the foundation walls which will be poured in three days after this upload. The value of this installment is to present and study the ways in which communication breaks down. There are some humurous moments as well but for the most part there was tension as we perpetually did not seem to understand what the other was saying.

Zoe's Baby, Forrest, alive for a few moments, makes his first sounds. Lisa's got us on speaker phone. There are others in the room apprently.

I am driving back home from the Laurentians and reflecting on things that have impacted me on this day. People not wearing masks, radical religious followers in my neoghbourhood. For more, go to my YouTube Channel and search under, "Roaring Mouse".

Went to see Eva, my masseuse, yesterday. Under so much stress right now, not sure what we evern spoke about. My moving company is designated an essential business and I'm concerned about visiting so many different homes in the context of the pandeminc. The work has been challenging, I'm taking whatever I can and as a result I'm in a lot of pain. So let's listen in to how my session went and what was on my mind. Oh yes, the title. I have come down with a normal, tiny cold. When I need to cough, I suppress it so as to not alarm anyone but every once in a while I allow myself... one cough. I make that one cough count. But even with this strategy, I must be careful. I can't cough just once every five minutes for instance, I must spread it out or this too will elicit concern.

My thoughts about the Covid 19 shutdown of the world. Didn't mention this in the recording, it's not the first time the world has ended. It's ending for people now, today, yesterday maybe tomorrow. It's just the beginning, we've created the ideal conditions for these outbreaks. If we survive this we won't survive the next. People are no loger taking things for granted. We are the planet that was obliterated with the Death Star. We are the people seeing it loom above, bigger than a moon. What will it take to rally us into action? A real threat. What about the one that is not immediately tangible, seeable. We bury our heads, our minds. We can't bury this and then we will begin again the cycle of waste, of injustices and social inequities with no concern for those in destitution, the limp bodies of infants, the millions of displaced. Isn't it time we gave the other life forms a chance before we fuck it up for everyone?

Musing about my various roles in people's lives. Lamenting how childhood traumas have limited my ability to access a more stable and peaceful life.

I announce to Lisa that the owner of six acres of lake front property on Lake Argente here in the Laurentians has accepted my offer to purchase his property.

I was invited to one of my son's friends home on Valentine Eve. We were sending off Florence who is heading out to Victoria to escape some crappy situation here in Montreal. Some classmates have discovered that she is a transgendered and revealed it to others in the school. This resulted in an intolerable atmosphere which has led to Florence having to leave. I got tipsy this night not having eaten all day and made a few faux pas's.

I am in a suicidal phase. I become my own crisis centre- I document the moment. You hear it in my initial silence, the breath, then I go for it. I describe what's up, how I'm imagining doing it. I intersperse violent images, I talk about my sister's murder, I describe the symbols on my bookshelf, I remind myself of transformations. This is what I had wished for, a simpler life and now it is here and I must shed, shed tremendously, shed significantly, shed painfully. It is unimaginable living in a tomb, this house, my refuge, my sanctuary will be dead to me in eighty some odd days. It will be gone. All I worked for, the memories, the house fire I survived, the rebuild I oversaw, the struggles with the contractors, the necessary magical swims in the lake after work, the motorcycle rides at night along quite country roads, the long moments of contemplation, peace, of feeling present. All this is gone from the cities, where there is no nature there is no soul however hard we might try to replicate it. The vibrations perturb me. This is my perturbed podcast after having come back from the what is to be my 480 square foot apartment, and a funeral home to attend the death ritual of a woman consummed by a bacteria.

In driving to my masseuse along a desolate stretch of country road, I reflect on the sale of my house and what this means for my mental state as this was a place of refuge.

I discuss going to an Al-Anon meeting, getting a cease and desist letter from the local government for renting my home short term on Air BNB. I lash out at Brenda from the Lake Association for reporting me.

Feeling lonely, lamenting the anxiety and stress in my life, how it defines me and my inability to distance myself from it despite an increasingly reclusive lifestyle.

I am questioning whether to venture on with my life without the comfort of the known. The prospect is terrifying and I explore this as well.

I am attempting to pull myself out a listless funk. I have nothing to look forward to, I am scared/stressed most of the time, I am invigorated only by my hatred for power tools.

My mental state being frayed, I remind myself of the power of the moment in order to reach a calmer state of being. I reflect on the precarious nature of life, how we are can determine a moment which in turn can determine us and the vitalness of self respect.

Lisa and I discussing the perceptions we have about ourselves. It gets animated and raw at times.

I am one day away from having my masseuse Eva over and I am concerned about my motives for doing so. I have a frank discussion about my current mental health given all of the pressures I recently went through and how I manage to sometimes barely avoid succumbing to self-harming behaviours, a.k.a. addictions. I have serious doubts about my value to anyone and conclude that I have been mostly obnoxious all my life.

I discuss why I am having an affair and not being open about it to both parties. There's a little something for... a lot of something for Neil Diamond fans. Or not! Let's keep the suspense up.

I discuss my motivation for visiting an online dating site, despite being in a long term relationship. I read a woman's (I'm assuming) profile and share some words I exchanged with her including my opinion about people who don't know Louis C.K. and her reaction to this.

A discussion about the death of an eight year old and of the pain that insensitive people can inflict. Also, a little analysis of Anthony Jeselnik and Bill Burr- Burr, like something that sticks to your sock, srcatches your skin. A brief review of the O.A. and the absurdity of the Walt Disney / 20th Century Fox acquisition price tag. I make passing reference to marijuana strains.

The pilot episode in which I discuss the word "offend", what it is to be a sociopath and cite the comic Jeselnik. There is also a guest appearance from Mr. John.Hopefully you will appreciate the humour. Enjoy!