A Codependent Mind

Available now on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FC6M5X5M/ Me, You & Us  Moving Beyond Relational Trauma and Disorder (Anxious/Avoidant Attachment, Codependency, BPD) to Build a Stable, Lasting Relationship As described in this podcast, for years, I struggled in romantic relationships—trapped in people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and emotional disconnection. I didn't know how to set boundaries, communicate honestly, or feel safe being myself. Like many people with a history of codependency or relational trauma, I was stuck in survival mode—longing for intimacy but afraid to be truly seen. This book is both a relationship memoir and a healing guide—an honest, compassionate look at how I learned to show up differently in love. Through personal storytelling and psychological insight, I explore the relationship tools that transformed my life: empathy, vulnerability, boundaries, communication, emotional co-regulation, and more. These are the tools that helped me move from dysfunction to connection—from trauma bonds to the emotionally safe, interdependent marriage I now share with Stephanie. Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FC6M5X5M/ Contact us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/me-you-and-us  

Our new book is coming out! You, Me & Us: Moving Beyond Relational Trauma and Disorder (Anxious/Avoidant Attachment, Codependency, BPD) to Build a Stable, Lasting Relationship. Learn more: https://www.codependentmind.com/me-you-and-us In this episode, we revisit the topic of caretaking and how it can be a tool for strengthening the sense of partnership within a relationship. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. And thank you for reading these notes! Very few people do. 

The 5 Love Languages claims to be a "simple and effective" tool for strengthening your connections. We explore that claim.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com The audiobook can be purchased from PayHip. Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

For most of his life, Brian believed that his primary challenge in relationships was mastering the tool of "being present." He thought that if he could just fully grasp this skill, everything in his life and relationships would significantly improve. However, regular listeners to this podcast will recognize that this belief was far from accurate. We discuss how he understood the tool of being present in his past relationships and how he uses it now, in the present.  You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased from our website for only $2.99. http://codependentmind.com Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.  

In this episode, we building on the Boundaries episode and talk more about Relationship Boundaries in particular. How can you use relationship boundaries do develop a greater sense of partnership? How do we find a balance between protecting the relationship from outside threats and having expansive enough boundaries that the relationship can continue to grow and thrive? Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.   

In this episode, we take on the complex emotion of jealousy, exploring its potential as a constructive tool within relationships. As we have discussed in previous episodes emotions, including jealousy, are neither good nor bad but rather signals offering valuable insight. Learning how to use jealousy as a tool involves being able to interpret and apply the information that jealousy offers.  00:00:11 Jealousy 00:01:46 Not Feeling Jealousy 00:03:04 Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships 00:06:38 Compersion 00:09:16 Jealousy-Like Behaviors 00:06:38 Compersion 00:11:34 Distinguishing Jealousy from Control 00:13:14 Jealousy as a Measurement Tool 00:19:38 Working Together Through Jealousy Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.         

We have talked about entitlement quite a bit. Mostly about how Brian's narcissistic partners have used their feelings of entitlement as fuel to abuse and mistreat him and other people. In this episode we explore how the feelings of entitlement can be used productively to strengthen a relationship rather than degrade it.    You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

In Season 4, we had a four part series on codependency, trauma and sex. In this episode we focus on the role sex can play in a relationship For Brian, shifting from a performance mindset to a connection mindset made all the difference.  You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

Communication is vital to any relationship, but for those of us with relational trauma, it can be difficult to figure out what that means. If we aren't getting yelled at or insulted, it feels like good communication. Bad communication is when someone is disappointed or upset with us. Join us as we talk through Brian's new understanding of the role communication has played and can play in his relationships.  You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.  

  In this episode we discuss the relationship tool of attention. Paying attention can be difficult for people with relationship trauma and codependent habits. It was certainly challenging for Brian. Healing codependency has involved re-learning how to use the tool of attention, directing its use to building strong connections with people we care about who care about us.      You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.    

Brian spent most of his life being 'conflict avoidant' at least that is how he understood it. Really the powerlessness and shame that underlied his codependency meant that any interpersonal conflict felt existentially threatening. In this episode we discuss how to approach conflict differently such that it functions as a tool for learning and connection rather than destruction. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.     You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

Can you tell the difference between a genuine apology and apology theater? In this episode, we discuss to tool of apology - how narcissists use it, how Brian used it codependently and how to use it authentically to make long lasting repairs to relationships.  00:02:30 Apology Theater 00:03:20 Narcissistic Apologizing 00:07:19 DARVO 00:13:09 Codependent Apologizing 00:19:12 Authentic Apologizing 00:20:32 Empathetic Repair You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

Be grateful! We are told that at various points on our lives as was to cure numerous ails in our lives and in the world. In this episode, we talk about what gratitude can and cannot to for your relationships.   Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.     

As discussed in a previous episode, Brian used money to fuel his codependent habits. Healing from codependency also involved developing a new understanding of the role money plays in his life and his relationship. In this episode, we discuss what kind of tool money is and what challenges and opportunities it presents.  In this episode: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (Wikipedia) 00:01:01 Financial Codependency 00:04:42 Financial Dependency 00:07:56 The Tool of Money 00:10:45 What is Money for? 00:22:33 The Monetary Value of Relationships 00:32:27 Questions to Ask Before You Spend You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

Boundaries are an expression of the distinction between me and you. Understanding and respecting that distinction is critical when setting up a relationship structure that will be stable and supportive for both people in the long run. For those of us who experienced relational trauma as children, developing an understanding of ourselves as separate, autonomous beings can be compromised right from the start. Codependency, borderline personality disorder, narcissism, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, dependency, all involve a struggle to acknowledge and respect personal boundaries. In this episode, we review we review the concept of boundaries, understanding it as a stand-in for self-protection and self-respect. We then go on to discuss how to use the metaphor of boundaries to create a relationship in which both parties are respected and protected.  Mentioned in this episode: S3 - #1 Beyond Codependency - Boundaries https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6d942938/s3-1-beyond-codependency-boundaries S4 -#13 Codependency and Relationships: You, Me, Us https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6e1bf1f4/s4-13-codependency-and-relationships-you-me-us No Man is an Island - John Donne In this episode we discuss the importance of self knowledge in relationships - what it is, what happens in its absence, how to get it and how it functions.  00:01:56 The Metaphor of Boundaries 00:06:34 Protecting Boundaries 00:09:20 Respecting Boundaries 00:21:52 Entitlement 00:25:25 Boundaries in Relationship 00:38:22 Examples of Relationship Boundaries You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

**In honor of Brian's birthday, get the e-book FREE on Amazon from Nov. 14 - Nov. 18. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V**   In this episode we discuss the importance of self knowledge in relationships - what it is, what happens in its absence, how to get it and how it functions.  00:02:22 Codependency as self erasure 00:05:47 Examples of lack of self knowledge 00:09:32 Consequences and shame 00:12:11 Shame relief 00:15:05 The codependency framework 00:20:15 Asking questions You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.   

If lying forms the basis of codependency then the antidote must be telling the truth. Unfortunately it is not that simple (or that easy!) In this episode we discuss the powerful tool that is the truth and how to learn to wield it safely and effectively.  Thank you for liking, rating, reviewing the podcast and the book. We appreciate your support and it helps others find us.  Get your Paperback or eBook copy of our book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  00:04:09 Lying vs Truth Telling 00:08:39 What is Truth 00:11:07 'Telling it like it is' 00:14:45 Full Disclosure 00:16:49 How and When - Motivation and Effect You can reach us at: codependentmind.com

Building on the last episode's discussion of lying, we talk about how to act less like a lawyer and more like a detective when trying to answer the question "am I being codependent?" 00:00:28 Am I Being Codependent? 00:04:49 Inner Lawyers 00:09:58 Codependency Detective Work 00:12:00 A Case Study 00:21:42 Evidence for Codependency 00:29:06 Case Study #2 Get your Paperback or eBook copy of our book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for liking, rating, reviewing the podcast and the book. We appreciate your support and it helps other find us.  You can reach us at: codependentmind.com

Relationship tools are neither good nor bad on their own. In this episode we talk about three tools that are pervasive in relationships marked by codependency - lying, resentment and defensiveness. These were Brian's go-to tools in Brian's relationship toolbox. He learned how to use them very early in childhood in order to neutralize relationship threats. As an adult, however, they have not served him well and using them in our relationship caused a lot of damage.  Mentioned in this episode: Season 4, episode 4: Trust (https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6db6d080/s4-4-codependency-and-relationships-trust) Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  00:02:46 Lying as a Core Codependent Behavior 00:04:55 Lying in Childhood 00:10:10 Narcissistic Lying vs Codependent Lying 00:12:30 Lying in Toxic Relationships 00:19:14 Lying, Resentment and Defensiveness in our Relationship 00:29:28 Relationship Work Thank you for liking, rating, reviewing the podcast and the book. We appreciate your support and it helps other find us.  You can reach us at: codependentmind.com    

Curiosity is an important tool for doing the relationship work of fostering understanding and deepening connection. In this episode we discuss  the transformative power of curiosity, drawing on philosophical insights and evolutionary psychology. We explore how Brian's curiosity was stifled—both by external influences, like critical relationships, and internal struggles, such as fear and disassociation. By recognizing these patterns, he has learned to shift from a defensive posture to an active pursuit of knowledge and emotional exploration which has been critical for our relationship. In this episode: 00:01:44 What is Curiosity and Where Does it Come From? 00:11:14 Curiosity and Trauma 00:16:34 What Does Curiosity Feel Like 00:21:58 Curiosity in Romantic Relationships Season 4 - #1 Codependency and Relationships: Intimacy (https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6b19fbb8/s4-1-codependency-and-relationships-intimacy) Season 4 -#13 Codependency and Relationships: You, Me, Us (https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6e1bf1f4/s4-13-codependency-and-relationships-you-me-us) Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast.  Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind  Email: codependentmind@gmail.com    

Have you've been told or have you told yourself that 'relationships take work' as a reason to accept behaviours or a relationship that is not serving your needs? This season is about relationship tools, but we shouldn't use these tools to make a relationship work that isn't serving us. So what does 'work' mean in the to the context of a loving, healthy relationship? Brian and Stephanie discuss in the to the context of their relationship.  In this episode: 00:01:56 Relationship Work in Childhood 00:06:53 Conscious Attachment - Autonomy and Mutuality 00:13:14 Mutuality 00:17:25 Categories of Relationship Work Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast.  Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind  Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

Experiencing relational trauma and subsequent relationship disorders, whether codependency, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, BPD can make empathy challenging. Not that the feelings aren't there, but often the empathetic system is so wounded that it is difficult to stay in a place of empathetic responsiveness. But empathy is a critical tool in forming and maintaining intimate relationships. In this episode we discuss the role of empathy in our relationship, Brian's experience with empathetic woundedness and how he overcame them.  00:00:37 What are we calling 'empathy' 00:01:46 The empathetic system 00:05:12 Empathy and interpersonal disorders 00:09:33 Empathetic system malfunctions 00:17:43 Empathy as a relationship tool 00:21:50 Empathetic responsiveness Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

In Season 7, we return to the theme of Season 4 with episodes that focus on relationships. What are some of the tools, concepts and practices that we feel keep our connection strong and loving? In this episode, we discuss a tool that is not generally applied to relationships - the Lean Startup Methodology (https://theleanstartup.com/principles). People with codependent habits often get in to relationships very quickly and then spend an enormous amount of time and energy 'making the relationship work.' Applying Lean Startup encourages us to redirect that energy into answering the question - 'should this relationship exist?' We discuss how to start your relationships in a Lean way and how we use the methodology in our lives. Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  00:04:03 The Lean Startup Methodology 00:08:41 Minimum Viable Products 00:11:49 Starting a relationship Lean 00:15:44 Dating Lean 00:19:55 Using Lean Startup to make life decisions Thank you for listening!  

In addition to reading the final chapter, Brian and Stephanie discuss what they learned in writing Part 2 of the book chiefly the power of re-writing stories and the intrangency of the codependent habits.  00:01:06 The road to recovery 00:08:00 Re-writing stories impact 00:17:06 Habits The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1  

In this chapter, Brian describes tackling the core codependent behaviors—feeling responsible for others' emotions, compliance, caretaking, people pleasing, compromising boundaries—that had been his default since childhood. Even after healing from the trauma and emotional wounds, he needed a new way of relating to people, seeing and valuing himself as an individual, and embracing an active role in his life. Identifying these codependent behaviors and their underlying motivations, like people pleasing out of fear rather than empathy, was essential. Recognizing signs of powerlessness, such as resentment, defensiveness, and dishonesty, helped him shift to personal agency. Awareness of his emotional responses and practicing being okay with disappointing others was also key to breaking free from these patterns. Healing from codependency has been about cultivating honest, authentic, and connected relationships. 00:02:05 Getting to Know Myself 00:05:03 Developing Personal Agency 00:07:30 Boundaries 00:13:07 The Codependency Habit 00:20:05 Breaking the Habit The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1

In this chapter, Brian reflects on the complex interplay between memory, emotion, and narrative. Reflecting on various pivotal experiences, he realizes that many of the stories he told himself were crafted not to reveal truth but to evade uncomfortable emotions like shame. These narratives, often based on partial truths or outright fabrications, served as shields against facing his true feelings and the realities of his past. Through introspection and external guidance, he begins to unravel these tales, revisiting each with a critical eye to uncover buried emotions and reassess his behaviors. This painstaking process, though painful and destabilizing, gradually frees him from long-held shame and fear, revealing a clearer, more authentic understanding of himself and his life experiences. By confronting and rewriting his stories, he finds a path to genuine self-awareness and the possibility of living authentically moving forward. The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1 In this Chapter, Brian chronicles the arduous and emotionally challenging process of healing from trauma. He recounts his realization that his conditioned freeze and fawn responses to perceived threats, stemming from childhood experiences with his parents and an abusive friend, were hindering his ability to respond adaptively to interpersonal stressors. Recognizing and naming these trauma responses, understanding his triggers, and learning to sit with and interpret emotions have been crucial steps in his journey. By developing awareness and practicing healthier emotional responses, Brian has gained more control over his emotions and interactions, allowing for a more authentic and empathetic engagement with others.    

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1 In this episode/chapter Brian reflects on the journey of overcoming codependency, a set of learned behaviors initially meant to ensure safety but which eventually became dysfunctional habits. He discusses how these behaviors can be unlearned and reprogrammed through awareness of their origins and impacts. This reprogramming process involves not just removing or replacing behaviors, but transforming them into functional versions. To achieve this transformation, Brian first needed to clear unresolved emotions like shame, fear, and resentment that accumulated over time. Facing these emotions was challenging and often painful, but necessary for gaining self-awareness. Despite the difficulty,  the effort was worth it, leading to better understanding, healthier behaviors, and more fulfilling relationships. Support from others played a crucial role in Brian's healing. Building deeper connections and opening up to people helped him break the cycle of codependency. Particularly, a supportive relationship with someone like Stephanie, who was invested and willing to challenge the author, was instrumental. Journaling was another critical tool for healing, helping Brian reflect on past experiences and connect emotionally. Combining this reflection with discussions with Stephanie facilitated significant progress. 00:00:31 Getting Started 00:02:33 Motivation 00:04:48 Getting Help 00:08:58 Connecting With Other People 00:12:54 Journaling  

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.  If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1 In this chapter, Brian describes his mental and emotional state at the end of his relationship with J when he met Stephanie. As their relationship develops, he gets a glimpse of the kind of intimacy he always wanted, but his codependent habits start to threaten their connection and he has some tough decisions to make.  After the reading, Brian and Stephanie discuss writing Part 1 of the book and the learning and growth they experienced in that process.  Thank you for liking, reviewing and following the book and the podcast, it helps other people find us.  Contact us: codependentmind@gmail.com 

If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1 In this episode, Brian reads chapter 4, which details his back to back relationships with abusive narcissists. He describes the lovebombing that began both of those relationships, the trauma bonds that kept him stuck and the powerless way the relationships ended. Sex, power and shame were all at play, contributing to the dysfunction and despair he experienced during those two marriages.  In this episode: 00:02:17 Relationship Beginnings - Love Bombing 00:06:12 Abuse 00:09:47 Trauma Bonds 00:12:45 How Trauma Bonds Form 00:16:16 Cognitive Dissonance -Self Gaslighting 00:19:39 Shame and Fear 00:21:43 Relationship Endings Contact us: https://www.codependentmind.com/

If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1 In this chapter, Brian reflects on his struggles with codependency, which hindered his ability to form genuine connections with others. As a child, he learned to prioritize others' needs over his own, leading to a fragmented sense of self and difficulty understanding his emotions. As he navigated adolescence, he experienced sexual shame and a sense of unworthiness, further isolating him socially. He ended up passively accepting relationships with individuals who were also struggling emotionally, which often turned abusive. A unique friendship with E, who shared similar struggles, provided safety but also enabled codependent behaviors. Reflecting on the friendship, the Brian acknowledges the complexity of their dynamic and the limitations of his codependent responses. Despite the challenges, the relationship taught him the value of intimate connections, planting a seed that would influence his understanding of healthy relationships in the future. He then explores the many damaging relationships he has had with narcissistic individuals, highlighting the connection between codependency and narcissism, both stemming from trauma responses. While codependents seek safety by pleasing others, narcissists demand validation and entitlement. Narcissistic behaviors include grandiosity, entitlement, and lack of accountability. Brian's codependent tendencies made him susceptible to narcissists, excusing their abusive behavior. Different types of controlling behaviors are examined, with codependents managing emotions and narcissists asserting dominance aggressively.

Get your copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 In this chapter, Brian discusses the connection between trauma and his codependent habits.  His experiences, including childhood dynamics and an early, abusive friendship are explored as sources of trauma, shaping his behaviors and triggering ingrained responses to threats - specifically freeze and fawn.  Brian's journey of navigating trauma extended beyond physical safety to encompass emotional survival strategies. Amidst consistent fear and shame at home and with his childhood friend, emotional avoidance developed as a coping mechanism. Through dissociation and compartmentalization, painful emotions were suppressed and buried, leading to a solitary and chaotic inner life.  While these strategies initially offered relief, they ultimately perpetuated Brian's emotional turmoil, as the unresolved emotional pain continued to escalate, fostering a cycle of isolation and dysfunctional relationships. In this episode: 00:01:07 What is Trauma? 00:03:13 New Layers of Trauma 00:05:58 Threat Responses 00:09:39 Emotional Trauma 00:14:27 Emotional Avoidance Contact us: https://www.codependentmind.com/

This season Brian will be reading aloud from the book we just published (link and description below). Chapter One frames codependency as learned, strategic, adaptive response to feelings of powerlessness, to emotional pain. It also covers the dynamics within Brian's family that gave rise to the codependent behaviors that would eventually cripple him emotionally and relationally for most of his life.  Buy now in paperback or eBook form: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1/ Based on the acclaimed podcast of the same name, follow Brian's transformative journey from codependency and despair to joyful, fulfilling and sustaining relationships. Gain guidance into examining your own life and crafting a personalized pathway to heal from codependency and trauma. In Part 1 of his journey, Brian explores: The family dynamics in his childhood that set the stage for codependent habits. The long term effects of trauma, including its complex and chronic manifestations. Threat responses (particularly freeze and fawn) and the connection to the behaviors that make up codependency. The role of shame and fear in deepening his codependent habits. How his codependent behaviors fostered isolation and perpetuated dysfunctional relationship dynamics. The toxic interplay between narcissism and codependency, and the trauma bonds that ensnared him in relationships with abusive narcissists. In Part 2, the re-making of a codependent mind, Brian describes: What is on the other side of codependency? Is it worth it? Healing from his emotional wounds by connecting with other people, repairing his emotional system and re-writing the stories of his life. How he finally broke the codependent habits that prevented him from having the emotionally intimate relationships that he always craved. Acquiring a new approach to romantic relationships. This book is a beacon of hope for those seeking liberation from codependency's grip, providing both insights and practical guidance for the journey toward authenticity and connection.

website: https://www.codependentmind.com/ Money talks, as they say, and in this episode we hear about the financial dimensions of Brian's codependency. For most of his life, money was not a tool for Brian to express his values and achieve his life goals; instead, it was fuel for his codependent habits - people pleasing, caretaking, lack of boundaries. His financial codependency, not surprisingly, did not lead to financial health; it lead to debt, stress and shame. Recovering from codependency also involved a recovery from financial codependency and we explore what it took for Brian to form a new relationship to money, one that has taken him to solvency and beyond.  00:01:18 Codependency and Money 00:03:36 Financial Caretaking 00:05:38 Self-Centeredness in Financial Codependency 00:06:09 Throwing Money at Problems 00:10:09 Unveiling Financial Shame 00:10:37 Narcissistic Entitlement and Money 00:11:06 Facing Financial Resentment 00:12:48 Post-Divorce Financial Codependency 00:15:43 Using Money to Avoid Abuse 00:16:24 Financial Caretaking as a Coping Mechanism 00:17:12 Rationalizing Financial Decisions 00:18:52 Fear and Shame in Financial Choices 00:21:54 Overcoming Financial Codependency 00:25:17 Processing Financial Shame 00:30:22 Aligning Money with Life Goals 00:32:43 Conclusion and Book Announcement Thank you for liking, reviewing and following our podcast. It helps other people find us. 

website: https://www.codependentmind.com/ We have described codependency as an interpersonal relationship dynamic, but in doing so, we may have inadvertently left out a whole category of relationships in which codependency can manifest - relationships with our pets. In this episode, we discuss the pets that Brian has had (dogs and cats) and the ways in which his codependent behavior habits showed up in those relationships. We also reflect on possible connections between narcissism and pet ownership.  00:00:45 Dogs and Cats 00:03:53 Codependent Behaviors with Pets 00:14:02 Boundary setting 00:16:18 Narcissists and Pets 00:22:52 Genuine caretaking vs codependent caretaking Do you have a pet story to tell? Let us know on instagram or Facebook. @codpendendentmind Thank you for liking, reviewing and following our podcast. It helps other people find ud. 

Learn more about Nicole's coaching practice, Meaning in Medicine, here: https://www.meaninginmed.com/about The Enneagram Test -  free test. Be sure to select the "Classical Test."  Read about your results through the Enneagram Institute here.   In this episode we explore the phenomenon of codependency within professional environments, particularly the healthcare field, with our special guest, Dr. Nicole Piemonte. A PhD holder in Medical Humanities, Dr. Piemonte has dedicated her career to the human facets of medical practice. In this discussion, we delve into Dr. Piemonte's career origins and personal journey with codependency. She describes a prevalent pattern of trauma-induced codependency within the health sector, typically characterized by 'rescuing' and 'fixing' patients—a behavior that draws parallels with institutional people-pleasing and poses significant hindrance to effective care. Further in the conversation, we examine how codependency—stemming from a deep-rooted need to be needed—leads caregivers to self-neglect due to their inherent desire to help others. Surprisingly, narcissism and codependency share this common root of trauma, offering a new perspective on the familiar trope of the narcissist physician. Nicole sheds light on the falseness of the emotion-free detachment often seen in medicine. Arguing that compassion fatigue emerges from not feeling anything, rather than ‘feeling too much', she emphasizes the role of emotional reconnection in aiding clinicians to regain self-contentment and fulfillment. Nicole discusses how through supportive coaching and introspection, it's possible to replace these maladaptive coping mechanisms with healthier ones.    00:00:07 Exploring Codependency in Professional Spaces 00:10:26 The tendency to fix and rescue in medicine 00:14:03 Recognizing codependency in personal and work relationships 00:20:51 Caretaking and Codependency 00:23:11 Coaching and Reconnecting to Meaning and Purpose in Medicine 00:31:12 Reconnecting with Emotions and the Healing Path 00:33:11 Compartmentalization as a Life Strategy and its Consequences Thank you for liking, following and reviewing this podcast. It helps others find it. website: https://www.codependentmind.com/  

website: https://www.codependentmind.com/ In this episode, Brian and Stephanie talk with Rebecca about the emotional complexities of self-discovery and growth within the context of codependency. We discuss Rebecca's relationships,  her struggle with being vulnerability, and the challenge of being authentic with others. 00:01:24 Little 't' and capital 'T' trauma 00:08:58 Lack of safety 00:11:10 Choosing between relationships 00:18:03 Setting boundaries 00:25:00 Asserting the self in a relationship 00:35:45 Parental models Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it.  Contact us at: codependentmind@gmail.com

Chris shares with us his story of codependency recovery. From a lonely, difficult childhood, through two marriages to disordered partners, through isolation, depression and despair, Chris found his way out of codependency and in to a loving, transformational relationship. His story, like as our other guests, offers both inspiration and hope.  Mentioned in this episode:  Podcast: Not I - Not Isolated Anymore: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/not-i Book: The Body Keeps the Score: Brian, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Truma Podcast: Esther Perel's Where Should We Begin? 00:03:03 Childhood 00:09:14 Romantic relationships 00:13:50 Isolation and depression 00:19:30 Second marriage - addiction and codependency 00:27:29 The love story 00:30:24 Codependent habits 00:36:23 Coming out of the codependency closet 00:42:19 CODA 00:49:00 Family relationships Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it.  If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com      

In this episode, we talk with Stephanie's friend Bea, who has struggled with codependent behaviors her whole life. Her last relationship ended when she realized that it was not a relationship in which she felt seen or safe - her role in the relationship was to be the person her partner needed and wanted her to be and left no room for her authentic self. Since leaving that relationship, she has been in place of isolation. She very much wants to leave that state but is concerned about getting in to a relationship, whether a friendship or romance, where she is simply re-enacting the codependent dynamics that have governed her past relationship. Stephanie and Bea have started a podcast to further explore Bea's journey in to and out of isolation. Search for "Not I - Not Isolated Anymore". Spotify: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/not-i Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/not-i-not-isolated-anymore/id1723114201 00:00:55 Isolation 00:03:19 Fear of new relationships 00:08:52 Lived experience of codependency 00:11:57 Self-knowledge, seeing yourself 00:13:27 Relationship needs 00:19:13 Brian's attempt to retreat into isolation 00:24:28 Shame 00:27:16 Are relationships even worth it?   If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it. 

In this episode we ‘hear' from narcissists as Brian shares his hardwon insight into narcissistic behaviors coming from decades of friendships and relationships with narcissistic people. Building on conversations from previous episodes, we discuss the ways in which codependent behaviors and narcissistic behaviors overlap before reviewing the ways in which they form a toxic complementarity. And if you are still having difficulty spotting a narcissist, Brian offers examples from his past of grandiosity, lack of accountability and entitlement that forms the backbone of narcissism.    Mentioned in this episode:  Codependency and Relationships: Dependency, Codependency and Interdependence If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it.

In this episode, we talk with Taylor about the roots of the codependent behaviors, their challenges in breaking free from those behaviors and finding a sense of identity, the lessons they have garnered and the insight they have achieved. Taylor shares their experiences with a chaotic upbringing, influenced by their mother's alcoholism, and discusses the challenges faced during childhood, such as dissociation and compartmentalization. The wide-ranging conversation touches on a number of subjects critical to understanding and coping with codependency including:  attachment styles boundaries reconnecting with your emotions Al-Anon identity work journaling and meditation Mentioned in this episode: The Body Keeps the Score The Crappy Childhood Fairy Codependency Voices: Carly    00:01:10 Mother's alcoholism 00:03:08 Emotional dissociation 00:06:34 Fawn response and codependency 00:12:55 Dismissiveness  00:20:01 Attachment 00:24:05 People pleasing 00:26:45 Boundaries 00:30:02 Re-connecting with your emotions 00:37:25 Al-Anon 00:41:02 Identity work If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it. 

In this episode, we hear from Brinn about her journey of self-discovery, including her exploration of codependency patterns, her family's dynamics, and her own relationships Brinn talks about her family roles, her father's history as an adult child of an alcoholic, her sister's addiction struggles, and the impact these had on her. She shares her experience of repeatedly falling into similar relationship patterns and seeking understanding through learning about addiction, recovery, and attachment styles. Brinn also discusses her work with affected family members, mainly parents and partners dealing with addiction, and emphasizes the significance of community in the healing process. Brinn is now a Family Recovery & Relationship Coach. You can read more about her work here: https://www.brinnflagg.com/ 00:01:55 Origins 00:06:28 Role in the family system 00:11:40 Public image 00:16:22 Relationship patterns 00:19:50 Codependents Anonymous 00:26:15 Role of community in healing 00:39:00 Healthy relationships If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it. 

This season, we will be have conversations with other people who have struggled with codependent behaviors.    In this episode, we have a candid and open conversation Carly about her personal journey of overcoming codependency, people-pleasing, and addiction. She shares with us her childhood experiences growing up in a chaotic household with drug addiction and mental illness including turning to drugs and sex at a young age as a way to find acceptance, love and escape from emotional turmoil. We also touch on her behavior in romantic relationships, including her tendency to leave partners after achieving their love and how she alternated between codependent and narcissistic behaviors. She describes the emotional exhaustion that came with trying to please others and the challenging process of breaking free from these patterns. The conversation then turns to the toward's Carly recovery journey which included overcoming addiction and learning to love herself. She discusses how joining a church and a supportive community played a significant role in her healing process. In terms of forming healthy relationships, Carly emphasizes the significance of her sobriety, authenticity, and self-love in building a strong and healthy relationship with her wife. Her partner encouraged her to be her true self, which was a pivotal moment in her journey towards self-acceptance. Additionally, Carly reflects on her experience with 12-step programs like Narcotics Anonymous, which provided structure and support when she needed it most. However, she eventually outgrew these programs, realizing that they didn't have to define her identity forever, much like recovering from an injury doesn't require a crutch once healing is achieved. If you are interested in coming on the podcast and sharing your story, please email us at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast.  Instagram: @codependentmind   

In this episode, we expand on the discussion of interdependence, that we started in episode 2 or Season 4 "Dependency, Codependency and Interdependence". We use the lens of "You, Me, Us" to explore what we owe ourselves in relationships, what we owe the other person and what we owe the relationship itself.  In contrast to relationships characterized by enmeshment, those governed by a healthy interdependence or mutual dependence can provide a sense of security, connectedness and care to both parties.  Article mentioned: Understanding cooperation through fitness interdependence. (9.7.2018)- Aktipis et. al.  00:01:24 Interdependence vs enmeshment 00:06:14 Healthy relationships 00:09:38 Self-knowledge 00:13:19 Knowing you 00:14:24 Us 00:19:02 3-legged stool 00:22:26 Boundaries 00:24:44 Relationship work From Patreon: Brian's show notes - " The idea is that, when it comes to a relationship between two people, there are essentially three entities that we need to have in mind when it comes to various decisions, emotional processing and just our behaviors in general.  Two of them are you and me - the fact that we are separate, autonomous individuals with our own wants, needs and desires, and our own boundaries.  Also with our own history, potential trauma, limitations, etc.  We each have a responsibility to take care of ourselves as best we can.  The hope is that we each come to the relationship with a good deal of knowledge when it comes to ourselves, or we at least have a growth mindset and are working to gain more understanding where there may be lapses.  The third entity is us - that is, the combination of two individuals.  The unit, whatever that may be - whatever the relationship is, and how the two people have agreed to define it." Read More  

In this episode we discuss the intersection of gender with codependency. We explore how gender roles and expectations can be sources of trauma, leading individuals to internalize shame and feel pressure to conform. Gendered expectations can also reinforce codependent behaviors, as certain traits align with cultural norms associated with femininity, such as kindness and caretaking. Additionally, we discuss on how gender can mask abusive dynamics, as it did in Brian's relationships, making it difficult for to recognize the abuse. Gender stereotypes can create a facade that conceals unhealthy relationships. Ultimately, healing from codependency may involve moving beyond societal gender expectations to discover one's true self.  00:00:41 Definition 00:04:48 Gender is a source of trauma 00:09:51 Stephanie's experience 00:10:15 Brian's experience 00:17:26 Gender as a weapon 00:20:11 Codependent behaviors and gender expectations Read more about Brian's experience on Patreon: "As we've discussed, I was especially vulnerable to shame for most of my life, and when it came to childhood, my experience with shame or the fear of shame shaped the way I interacted with the world, especially people.  There were constant messages about how boys, and eventually men, were supposed to behave.  Those messages were often wrapped in some kind of insulting or condescending tone when expressed by the more vocal boys around me.  There were plenty of times when I was on the receiving end of comments like that, sure, but I didn't really have to be for it to affect me either.  Any time I heard those things, I internalized the messages as shame, since I didn't see myself as a person that lived up to pretty much any of the list of things being expressed, at least not in the ways they were being expressed." Read more

As a preview of Season 5, when we will be introducing more voices into the conversation, we have a guest on this episode. Jason reflects on his struggles with codependent behaviors and the origins of these behaviors in their family of origin. He discusses experiencing physical and emotional abuse from their father at a young age and feeling needy and demanding as a child. His mother's actions and comments also contributed to his negative self-talk and body image issues. He goes on to share how he turned to overeating as a form of self-medication and how his mother's reactions to his weight gain exacerbated his feelings of inadequacy. He describes a pattern of settling in romantic relationships and feeling a need to please others. He also discusses how he is working on setting boundaries and overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. He is working on resolving the shame and fear that has always been present in his romantic relationships and expresses hope for the future.  00:02:00 Jason's understanding of codependency 00:02:57 Origins of his codependent behaviors 00:06:36 Body shame 00:15:11 Early romantic relationships 00:22:50 Current relationship status 00:25:26 Struggle with people-pleasing 00:30:50 Healing Join us on Patreon for written material and Discord discussion. Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast.  Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind  Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

In this episode, the final one in our 'mini-series' about sex and codependency, we discuss how Brian has healed and is healing from the sexual trauma of his early life and his previous relationships.  00:01:11 When we met 00:04:07 Sex as performance 00:06:45 Our sexual connection 00:07:50 What was necessary for healing the sexual trauma? 00:08:10 Safety 00:12:04 Being desired 00:16:15 Desire 00:23:45 Trauma and desire 00:26:13 Reconnecting with desire       Written material on Patreon: Brian's summary -By the time I met Stephanie, I had quite a bit of sexual shame that I was carrying, plus I had more fear than ever of potential performance issues.  I was used to behaving almost completely codependently when it came to my sexuality - denying my own desires, afraid of having desires, catering only to others.  I was used to only thinking about wanting others to desire me, rather than thinking about my own desire.  I had a general feeling of sexual inadequacy and fear of the shame that came from that. Read more ... Brian's longer notes/analysis - Like we talked about at the beginning of the two-part episode about sexual trauma, I had been carrying quite a bit of shame around my sexuality for most of my life (well, ever since puberty, really), which was basically centered around my lack of sexual experience.  The fear of this shame caused me to write stories about myself to make sense of the lack of experience, which then, in turn, gave me even more fear when it came to the possibility of meeting anyone in which sex could in any way be an eventual possibility.  I would always be looking for evidence or confirmation that those stories about me were correct.   Read more...  Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast.  Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind  Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

In this episode, we continue the discussion about the way that trauma Brian experienced and the codependent behaviors that developed in response to it affected his sexual relationships and his relationship to sex. We broke this episode in to two parts (part 2 and part 3). This is part 3 which covers the sexual trauma Brian experienced in his relationship with J and then the end of that relationship..  Episodes referenced: S1 - #4 Narcissism S4 - #2 Dependency, Codependency and Interdependency Written material on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ACodependentMind

In this episode, we continue the discussion about the way that trauma Brian experienced and the codependent behaviors that developed in response to it affected his sexual relationships and his relationship to sex. We broke this episode in to two parts (part 2 and part 3). This episode covers the sexual trauma Brian experienced in his relationship with R.  Episodes referenced: S1 - #2 Codependency and Trauma S1 - #3 Codependency and Trauma Bonding  S1 - #4 Narcissism Written material on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ACodependentMind  

One subject that we have not discussed with much depth is sex, even though it is an important component of human relationships and it played a central role in Brian's struggle with shame and fear of intimacy. In this episode, we put sex front and center, talk through the reasons we haven't done so up until now and start to explore the role sex played in Brian's codependency.    On our Patreon account: (https://www.patreon.com/ACodependentMind) Why this been a difficult subject for us to talk about together - Mostly because of my shame and fear, particularly the effects that my shame had on us in the earlier days of our relationship, some of the damage that's caused and now having to navigate that along with the lack of self awareness.  The fear has been made worse by the fact that I've allowed this to go on for too long too - eroding trust for both of us.  Like all the other areas of my life, I've been carrying quite a bit of shame when it comes to sex, but unlike the other areas, I haven't done much work trying to get to the root of that shame.  Somehow the shame gives me more fear, or leads me to feelings like freeze in ways that seem slightly different.  I seem to have layers of embarrassment or timidness that I can't exactly explain too, that make it difficult for me to even just say certain words with confidence.  I'll explore that piece more in the next section. Read more   Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast.  Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind  Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

Vulnerability, a key ingredient for emotionally intimate relationships, can be difficult for people struggling with codependency. Brian developed codependent behaviors in order to try to protect himself from emotional harm, so deliberately being vulnerable with another person felt very scary and almost unnatural. In this episode we discuss the role of vulnerability in intimacy and the challenges we have faced in our relationship creating safe spaces for each other. The Still Face Experiment on YouTube. On our Patreon account: Brian's notes- Why vulnerability was difficult for me - like intimacy, being vulnerable requires self awareness. A person needs to know what they want and need in a relationship, and what they just want from life, in general. They need to feel a healthy sense of entitlement to those things, too, and be willing to have boundaries in order to be sure they're staying true to themselves - respecting themselves. Because of my chronic powerlessness throughout most of my life, I didn't really feel entitled to my own wants and needs, so avoided thinking about them. Then just to seal the deal, I basically had no boundaries. Whatever anyone else said or wanted, I would just try to line up with it. This was at the heart of my codependent behaviors, like we just talked about in the previous episode when we talked about powerlessness. My codependent behaviors were essentially the opposite of vulnerability. If I revealed something about myself and it was rejected - or if I even just perceived it as being rejected, or just potentially rejected - I would course-correct, by changing the narrative. I would lie or at least dial back my position, water it down, to make the other person think that I actually felt or believed something else, if I perceived that to be safer. Read More Brian's Wants, Needs and Expectations - The things that follow are what I find to be important based on my current state of mind and thinking. Many of these things I've never really had, as I said - I'm only just now starting to see some of these things, some mostly by luck and others via the work I've been doing over the past year. Some of these aren't easy, and I realize that I'm never going to be perfect. Part of what I want too, as a blanket over all of this, is patience with myself when it comes to these things. These are goals and will be a growing and changing process over the course of the rest of my life. That said, if I find myself slipping into denial or dishonesty, it's a clear sign that I'm hiding something from myself and not living up to some of the fundamentals here. Some of these I want to be concrete ways to live and I want to be sure that I don't waver on them at the core. I feel confident that from the work that I have done that this is going to be far simpler and smoother from here on out. Read More on Patreon Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast.  Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind  Email: codependentmind@gmail.com