Topic Chunder

Coronavirus? More like CoronaSIRENS here comes the police because this pod broke quarantine, by being OUT OF THIS WORLD. Or something like that. Honestly, it's not that good, but the description's gotta hype it up, y'know? In this episode, some nerds have played video games, an event which has happened before and will happen again, therefore rendering it completely unremarkable. Odward, seeking a pocket-sized Slay the Spire alternative, braves the Play Store for Dungeon Tales. Jordan opens up about how Destiny 2 made him hate space and anything that reminds him of space, including our own dear sun, which we need. Meanwhile, Hearthstone Battlegrounds managed to be so good that Vop willingly installed Hearthstone to play it. Our lovely Bird likes it when people dress like chunky robots, but thanks to quarantine must satisfy these needs through Battletech and MechWarrior 5. Jammy tries to justify AdventureQuest 3D.

The New York Times recently published a piece titled "Have We Hit Peak Podcast?", lamenting the saturation of the podcast medium by hordes of low-effort hacks, peddling their lukewarm, half-baked shite as if anybody would ever be interested or care in the slightest. Podcasts which benefit nobody except the smug fuckers who host them, unaware of how little their opinion matters. Anyway, here's a new episode of Topic Chunder. This time, Ed (or SeldomBucket) returns from the dead and brings a bunch of old dead games with him, like Xcom 2: Wizards of the Coast and Dishonoured: Death of the Outsider. Jimbo has played a survival game which is apparently relaxing (Astroneer), while Odward has tested his mighty brain against Baba Is You. Voppzy did the shoots and the sneaks in Void Bastards, as a brief distraction from driving pretend cars literally all of the time. Jammy played Fallout 76, presumably under court order.

The Hated Man looked over himself again in the dusty mirror. This was not what he had wished for. This was not what the spirit had promised him. He had wished to be beautiful, to feel worthy of love. The body he'd had was gone, true enough, but replaced with a fleshless form of bone and muscle. Winding, pulsing flesh writhed its way around him, like a mass of bleeding worms, spreading further every day. Everything ached. Everything hurt. But death never came. A young woman had once visited him nightly, coming to the window to share stories from home, and to coax him from the shadows so she might see him. One time he relented and stepped into view. She ran, and never came back. The Hated Man settled against the wall and stared at the moon through the window. He was idly aware of a rat gnawing at his foot, but he didn't mind. The rats cared about him, if only for his meat. That was good enough. This time on Topic Chunder, electric games that don't matter are talked about as if they do. Fiyenyaa plays Escape From Tarkov, a game about being Russian and dying, and Imperator: Rome, a game about people who died years ago, the clever devils. Voppzy surprises all by playing Anno: 1800, a management game that doesn't even have cars in it, at all. With that surprise over with, Voppzy also plays Dirt Rally 2.0, a game with cars in it. Takuna talks about Rain World, where you kill animals and try not to die, to avoid talking about Monster Hunter: World, where you kill animals and try not to die. And Jammy commits murder and witchcraft in The Sims 3 why not. Games discussed: Sims 3 Escape From Tarkov Imperator: Rome Dirt Rally 2.0 Anno 1800 Rain World

The lights had gone again. With torch in hand, Jasmine pushed through the dark. The fuse box was down here, she knew. But where? The space seemed larger than she remembered. And colder. She didn't know what made her look around, turning the little circle of light until it landed on a face. Long and pale and strangely blurred. And the eyes, blank and bloated. She couldn't look away, her body was frozen and her eyes locked with his. With a crack, his mouth fell open, a dark toothless gap. From it came eight thin legs, scrabbling for purchase on the man's unflinching face. Jasmine wanted to scream, but her mouth wouldn't move. Nothing would move. The creature dropped off the man's face with a *thud*, and crawled, slowly, across the floor. Jasmine concentrated all her thought on moving, even just her arm. It crawled. Even just a finger. It placed a leg upon her, began to climb. Jasmine felt her finger twitch. This time on the Topic Chunder, people talk about electric distractions from their empty lives. Along with the rest of the species and some dogs, André, NinjaOx and Vopp have played Apex Legends, that is when Vopp isn't crashing cars or playing wizard chess. Kane has played a game he actually likes, Far Cry: New Dawn, and therefore must resit his curmudgeon exam. Jordan bangs on about Monster Hunter: World for just ages, and NinjaOx played Hollow Shite or something, wasn't really listening at that point to be honest. Also, Kane goes "Woo" at one point, you can't miss that.

Susie lay in her bed and listened to the howling drawing nearer to her window. There had been a time, long ago, when she'd been scared. When she dreaded each night and these terrors they would always bring. She felt nothing now. A hollow numbness. The creatures, her old friends, would not stop hunting her. She knew this now. She'd tried, at first, to ask for help, but nobody would talk about it. There had never been a fire, mother had said. There had never been a school, father had said. The howling was in her mind, the doctor had said. The howling stopped now, as it always did. The creatures had clambered up the wall to her bedroom window, and were peering through the glass. She stared back. The first time she'd seen them, she'd screamed. Now she looked with glassy eyes. There was something of her friends left in there, but death had twisted them into sickening sculptures of meat and bone. Where once there had been hair, a mass of writhing worms grew, thick with dirt. Their blackened gums, free from teeth, now sprouted a forest of gnarled fingers, long and twisted. They watched her with bloated eyes. Too many eyes, scattered across their foreheads like acne. Susie was tired now. Tired of the fear, of the hiding. Of the guilt. It was time. She rose silently from her bed, unbolted the window, and pulled it open. This time on Topic Chunder, the group decide to try these 'videogames'. Jordan has learned the joys of uniting the entire world under his peaceful nuclear regime, thanks to Civilization V. Yet despite this effort, his Hardlad is nowhere to be found. Fiyenyaa played For The King, an RPG he only likes because it has hexes. He also went to Warhammer World, a building where nerds are kept. Jimbo has played Wreckfest, a car game about destroying cars where destroying cars makes it less good. And Jammy likes Master of Orion, the only person in the world who does.

The chamber was old. Ancient. The statues, worn beyond recognition after long years alone, stared out through their muddied features, and the walls were mossy and worn. Everything was rotting. The archaeologist raised his lamp higher, peering ahead into the shadows. Something was shimmering, away in the dark. He edged closer, the blackness peeling away from the hazy yellow light. He found a wall, strangely untouched by time. Beneath were groves worn into the floor, as if many people had knelt here. Upon the wall was a message in chalk: EVERYBODY, YEAH ROCK YOUR BODY, YEAH EVERYBODY, ROCK YOUR BODY RIGHT The last line was covered by vines. The archaeologist stared at the chalk. It seems to glitter, not from the lamp but with a light of its own. No, more than glitter, it *sparkled*. It sang with a choir of light that danced across his eyes and pressed upon his mind. A whisper crept into his mind, on the edge of hearing. He realised he was kneeling, his knees comfortably within the groves. His mind was writhing, like an itch behind the eyes he couldn't scratch. He vaguely recognised the growing soreness in his body, but just as quickly forgot again. He stared at the last line, smothered, suffocating under the vines. The itch was maddening. He watched his hand stretch out, slowly, and pull the vines away. The chalk sparkled. Topic Chunder has done it again! 'It' being podcast crimes. On this one, we talk about games that need electric to work. Kane has played lots of For Honor, and much less of This Is The Police 2. Jim, who likes mechs and dislikes stress, has played Mechwarrior Online and Stardew Valley. And Jammy brings up Deus Ex: Mankind Divided and structural racism. Not well, but if you expected better at this point then that's your own fault.

After the bombs had fallen and the smoke had cleared, He crawled up on his blackened rock and judged His work. They called Him a murderer. They said billions had died. They did not understand. He had watched from His place of shelter as the people bit and kicked and clawed for survival, their souls truly alive for the first time. Billions of people had been born today. From His rock, He saw the shattered cityscape stretching away like an ashen shadow. The quiet, the blessed quiet He sought, was blighted by the sounds of survivors. They would not last. When the final ragged gasp of life died unnoticed in the dust, and the last monuments of man fell down broken and returned to an Earth that had given to them unwillingly, the footprint of life would be smothered and a stillness would come over the world. Up on that blackened rock, He took in the carcass of the old world; dried and cracked and dead and broken. He had done His part. Oh gosh, it's another episode! Despite the advice of several professionals and everybody else, we have made another Chunder. And wouldn't you know, it's about video games. This time, long-absent Jim returns to talk about playing golf on a phone, Voppzy has spent time with dead people who are still alive, namely in Dying Light and The Last of Us, Jammy has played SteamWorld Dig 2 for about five minutes, and Kane goes on for ages about Stargate Online or something. Truly a worthwhile use of your time. If it isn't, then sorry.

The tales are still told around the fires, of course. Half-remembered fables spun from fading memories of mighty feats. Songs of heroes, when heroes are needed more than ever. But none have seen the Crowbarbarians in many a ten-year. What has become of them, those strapping champions? What of Senior Tom the Stoic, an unyielding stone that no river could break? Or Pip the Grudgesmith, her forge ever alight with the records of grievous misdeeds? What of Tom the Unsenior, sly and cunning, quick in shadow and quicker in wit? Where was Alex of the Fading Shire, most wondrous flutist? Or indeed, the mighty Stenmaster Thur, beacon of the people and Shepard of the Bantlands? They have left us, a wound upon the world that is beginning to show. The nights grow colder, the decades longer. The clouds never part, as if the stars themselves dare not look upon us now. A ceaseless wind whispers of tragedies past and future. The sun rises less each day, until one morn it will not come at all, leaving the world to drown in darkest shadow. But there are still some who believe in heroes. A shred of hope. This time on Topic Chunder, video games are discussed for too long. Less late than usual, we go over some of the lukewarm newish releases. Odward shares tales of being a lonely pirate in Sea of Thieves, and a pensive wizard at Hogwarts. Voppzy, being the nexus of video games, talks chilling city-builder Frostpunk and manual robot game MechsCOM with Fiyenyaa, as well as Dad of Boy with André. Fiyenyaa gets his excuse to talk about Warhammer via Vermintide 2 and frankly takes advantage of it. Honestly, you should have seen him, it was disgusting. It was like that bit in the Mummy where the mummy opens his mouth and all the flies come out, only instead of flies it was little plastic rats. Voppzy also brings up a cargame about being a grandma or something.

Due to numerous betrayals, for the first time ever a Chunder is being brought to you by only two people. Truly a historic moment for Chunders everywhere. This will surely result in a different podcast than usual, so please let us know if you like it or not. Although it doesn’t really matter since it’s done now. This time, what’s left of the gang go off-script by discussing irrelevant games and going on weird tangents. Bang up to date on all the latest trends, Jordan’s been playing a 6-year-old stealth game he’s already played, and a homage to Wipeout (not the same game). Jammy’s played a buggy RPG for 8 hours without really enjoying it. Man, doesn’t this sound like a wild ride.

Once again, the Crowbastion has crumbled and the world is in chaos. The people, once nourished weekly with Top Pods, now huddle in desperate shelters, counting the passing decades. The Thur-Sten, greatest of the Stens, has vanished. Who now will espouse the Hottest of Takes, like flaming coals? And in the place beyond the walls, terrible beasts roam free, a warning of what happens when Bants are left unvoiced, to fester and grow. Clearly, heroes are needed. Can a bland band of zeroes save the kingdom from darkness? This time on Topic Chunder, the gang breaks all the rules by gathering for a horrendously long time to discuss computer games. Within these crackling electric sound-pages you can learn about Voppzy and Fiyenyaa’s adventures in Egypt via AssCreed: Oranges, Kane’s developing appreciation for Reigns: Her Majesty, Fiyenyaa’s love for They Are Billions and other boring things, Odward’s feelings on the GO series of puzzle games, Takuna’s growing collection of space motorbikes and some correct opinions on Heat Signature.

(The audio on this episode went a bit wrong. Sorry) This week, the gang get together to solve another curious mystery. Fuelled by mum-made lemonade and lamb in mint sauce, and aided by their trusty dog Scrappers, the gang prove that it was Mister Withers wot did the crime. Silly old fuck! They also find the time to talk about electric videoed games.

Worse things happen at sea.

This fortnight on Topic Chunder, the internet is used to make terrible mistakes, like this sh*t. Chris rambles about Card Hunter and Endless Legend and everybody complains about the Tomb Raider reboot. Also something about a boring Paradox space game but who cares about that really.

Topic Chunder (can they fuck it) Topic Chunder (yes they can) Chris, Vopp, Kane and Odward too. André’s a dick but you already knew. Talks about Warhammer, like it’s good. Then he shuts up, like gross nerds should. Topic Chunder (can they fuck it) Topic Chunder (yes they can) Jordan and Dark Souls, oh fucking poo, whittling our listeners to just a few. Bodies drained and words endless spun, we all have grandkids by the time he’s done.

The Crowbastion has fallen, the Podenġemot torn asunder. A great famine sweeps the realm, a famine of top pods. Idle sloth and evil thrive in every heart and mind, and children search for hottest takes, finding nary a take amidst the ashen rubble. Things, once men, roam the land as bant-starved beasts. Times were grave indeed. A champion was needed. A champion rose. In this special edition of Topic Chunder, nothing interesting happens. CJKinni talks about his impressions of the Oculus Rift two weeks in, Vopp and André play Valkyria Chronicles, an old thing, and not wanting to be outdone, Jammy and Jordan play DOOM, the oldest thing. Chris adores Hyper Light Drifter before Jordan rambles at length about Subterfuge.

From eye, tooth, blood and bone be there another Chunder sown. Neath a sea of blackest night, find our baby, swallow its blight. This episode features a live testing of an Oculus Rift, therefore making it worth listening to. At least until about 25 minutes in, after which you should delete the file and report us to the authorities. Those what ignore my warning will be treated to Kane finally mastering his stress issues in Stardew Valley (Possibly via Yuri), Ed playing board-games about lying and Cian getting a Steam controller and complaining it’s not made of gold or whatever. Somewhere after that probably, who cares really anyway, Vopp plays Cities Skylines and Trackmania Turbo, while Yuramiah plays bad games he hates.

This episode was produced by a team of goblins snatched from their homes to toil day and night. It’s okay though, we feed them presents and words every day, so they must love us. They even say so when we pat them. This fortnight, the gang gathers in the Chunderchamber to discuss clicker games (The full list being, I am told, Cookie Clicker 2, Clicker Heroes, Time Clickers, Idle Oil Tycoon, Kittens Game, A Dark Room and Candy Box). Then, for whomever is still awake, we also talk about the PC Gamer Weekender event in London, and the legally rad Vive VR headset thing. After that it’s all downhill, a decline into mere computer games like Stardew Valley, The Witcher 3, Devil Daggers and Tom’s Clancy Division.

Echoing eternal came the dawn scream that made the world, a dark primal cry of beastly things. The Listener fell to their knees, hands upon bloodied ears, but to no avail. The wheel had turned, and the Time of Chunder had come again.

You only have so much time in your life before you die, rot and become as forgotten as that dream career you had as a child. Why not fart away some precious moments on this amazing podcast?

Despite the intervention of international authorities, Topic Chunder is BACK, and slightly betterer than ever. This week, Odward does a shooting of an alien, Kane decalres Titanfall the finest shooter ever made (Presumably excluding the first UT), while Chris K worries postmen with bomb disposal manuals. We also learn that Cian is old enough to have his own phone, which he uses to play Desert Golfing, unlike old man Yuramiah, who prefers the very pretty Monument Valley. At the very end of the show, where they belong, André descibes how recent changes to The Old Republic have made it more like a (Slightly bad) solo RPG, while Jordan enjoys capitalism in Guild Wars 2.

Just skip it.

This year, we remembered to do a chunder thing, because we are professional pod people. Andelect kicks things off with Valkyria Chronicles, and reveals his racism by mixing up Germans and Russians. Takuna follows this lead with a racially-themed story from Dungeons & Dragons, because he is such a dork like that. Then we talked about other stuff probably, including some game called Jim Fandango or something. Secreted amongst this like diamonds within a crown, we also managed to mock a certain hashtag so many times (Once) that NinjaOx got swatted, and have a really long, controversial discussion about the depiction of Christians within media. Oh boy doesn't this sound like fu

It's the Christmas Chunder! See if you can tell. Cian plays a festive fishing game from 1999, Andelect brings the Christmas cheer with some rum-filled Red Orchestra, while Takuna celebrates with some garish Gunpoint. Spad completely ruins our Christmas theme by playing Dragon Age and Elite: Dangerous, the spoil-sport.

This week, the gang faces the normally unusual problem of having too many people! But amidst all the vocal trampling we still managed to talk about Titanfall, Civilisation: Beyond Earth, Evolve and a bunch of other stuff probably. That is, when we weren't trying to solve who ruined Christmas with murder.

Despite the many relentless, starved time vampires that plague our busy lives, we still managed to play several games and talk about them for ages. Cian kicks us off with a bit of FIFA (Sorry), before Vopperough rockets into a discussion about War Thunder. NinjaOx midichlorians into Knights of the Old Republic, Jammy vaguely drifts into a ramble about Driftmoon, then Takuna builds to a conclusion with some Minecraft.

This week, the gang barely evade legal action from the Being Generally Shite Act of 2014, and for unrelated reasons we’re now recording out of a cellar. Among the many topics chundered, Vopperough ponders Shadows of Mordor and Alien: Isolation, wondering which was more worthy of his bandwidth money, while Andelect and NinjaOx argue for a billion hours about Space Engineers. CJ lies in the corner, blank-faced, lamenting that he’ll never get to be Sherlock Holmes.

Andelect and Vopperough steadily master the game of friendship, via the medium of Diablo 3 (At least, whenever Vopps isn't out stabbing orcs). Odward picked up a brief interest in Team Fortress 2, before slipping down the Takuna hole and getting stuck in some Super Hexagon. Next he'll be ranting about Dark Souls and we'll know he's truly lost. Seldom turns up and disgustingly hasn't done anything, except make poor, Jagerbomb-related life decisions. At least Jammy brought the wizard cards.

The gang gathers for another dismal farce. This week, Vopps briefly distracts himself by mastering the hardest part of the hardest game (While talking about Quake Live), Seldom conspires to become an imposter God of Bees, while Takuna reminisces about Runescape. Non-forumite Stephen Somethingorother brings up the new Smash Bros, before being expelled to the console jungle.

In which an old man complains, Seldom finally finishes Mass Effect 3, we argue over who was the best Robin Hood, and wonder if Bethesda is staffed entirely by waxwork cenobites. Somewhere amidst all that we also discuss Godus, why comics books don't matter and are a waste of time, and how Americans invented everything that's wrong with television.

This week, the gang still hasn't learned to stop making these and ruining the internet. Bang up-to-date as usual, we discuss the most boring Assassin's Creed protagonist, whether Titanfall is the dullest fun game ever, a stealth platformer called Gunsight or whatever, and whether the entire cheesecake industry is built on lies. Nestled between the cavernous cracks, we talk about how Red Faction could possibly exist despite what the Saints did, our humiliating defeat at the hands of the Dukes, and a bit about hyperporn and hot nozzles.

The Kane "Kane" Kaneson special.

On this week’s Whatever, Spad talks about Dota, until Andelect interrupts with a bit of Dota. With a frankly beautiful segway, Vopperough mentions Dota, which reminds newcomer Murray to bring up Dota. And despite all this, NinjaOx’ll still say there wasn’t enough Dota. Crammed somewhere amongst all that, we managed to discuss Prison Architect, Wasteland 2, X-Com versus XCOM, Netrunner and some other crap. We also talk films, uncover the secret identity of The Evesham Knight, and discover that even when we were mere younglings, Spad was still ancient beyond knowing.

This week, Takuna is dead of brain slugs, so the gang press on without him. Andelect talks about Mount & Blade: Warband, and wishes he could be common in Dragon Age, while NinjaOx coldly crushes a dwarven heart. Vopperough spends his princely wealth on Endless Legend, and then plays a game about a talking mountain. Despite all that crazy excitement, we still managed to talk about SimCity, OpenTTD, being a smelly stalker and space racism.

The Chunder is quiet this week, as most people were distracted by TI4/dead in a nuclear explosion. Yet the gang still manage to pull it together, or at least stop if from being any more awful than usual. This week, Yuramiah wrestles enough crocodiles to win some Internet and update Original Sin, Jammy talks about Endless Space again, Cian tries to play Dragon Age but just can’t stop thinking about potatoes, Vopperough praises GRID Autosport for it’s muddy graphics and Takuna calls Dark Souls 2 the worst game of all time. And somewhere in the shadowy depths of the Chunderfort, we craft all of Chris Thursten’s worst things on the blackened Nightmare Forge.

A magnificent silhouette stands on the threshold, casting an imposing shadow over ESL One. A ripple runs through the crowd, a whispered name passes from mouth to mouth: “Thursten.” The figure strides towards his throne of velvet, rose petals cast in his wake. Children are hoisted onto their father’s shoulders, old men wipe tears of pride from their eyes. People reach out to touch the hem of his garment. This was going to be a night to remember.

In this week’s Thing, Takuna vows to never talk about Dota, except maybe for half-an-hour, we discuss how effectively Mass Effect moved our cold, blackened hearts, except for Fred who’s too busy eyeing his crimeometer. Everybody’s impressed by Gunslinger’s reverse-Bastion-style narrator, and we nerd out over some space games until Takuna brings up anime no wait come back-

The newly minted Topic Chunder is off with a bang, and to celebrate we’ve upped the standards of absolutely nothing. Luckily we’re able to pull it off, thanks to our golden chemistry and the power of friendship. The gang angrily spoil all the things about Mass Effect 3′s ending, as Jammy weeps, picturing the endless editing (Enditing), until SeldomBucket swoops in and saves us with more Mass Effect talk. Yuramiah retreats to the soothing comforts of Skyrim, to find only sadness. With a sigh, he turns and kicks a Spiderdemon in the nuts. Vopperough surfaces from Dota just long enough to mention Call of Juarez Gunslinger, before sinking back beneath the inky depths. Takuna explains how No Game No Life gets right up his miniskirt, while we all sit alone, jealously watching Odward play Hidden in Plain Sight with his crowd of admirers.

This week, the gang are rounded up for one last GAMECHAT. Takuna is cornered in Lordran, and bitterly agrees to give up his life teaching English to the hollows and return to gamechattery. Andelect retreated to the crime-ridden streets of Battlefieldville, and that’s where the joke starts to break down. Still, ABigBlackWall scolds Takuna for not playing Floating Point, but he’s too busy launching his debut Christmas album to notice. Disgruntled, BlackWall turns back to Andelect and resumes talking about balls.

In this week’s hyper-dork special, Andelect talks about superhero fighter Injustice, the gang relives their ninja rope-ridden youth thanks to Floating Point and Jammy finally brings us the verdict on Bastion (It is good). Meanwhile SeldomBucket confesses his love for Smite, while Spad replays Dragon Age 2 and can’t stop dreaming about sexy grandma Janeway. Odward crawls from Dozmary Pool to tell us of Gamejam games, vopperough has a goddamned Nexus 7, and yuramiah samples the simply gorgeous array of underwear in Divinity: Original Sin.

In this week's GAMECHAT, Andelect recounts his adventures as renowned vampire Count B.J. Blazkowicz, Vopperough lives as a hacker on the run from the law and also plays Watch_Dogs, the gang discuss the hot new superhero movie (Bananaman), and Andelect is given community service at McDonald's as punishment for being awful.

In this edition of GAMECHAT, Takuna becomes the golden god of Super Hexagon, Watch_Dogs brings out Andelect's inner botanist, we discover the secret to breaking into the games industry (Get bitten by a radioactive games dev), the gang ponder just how much red plaid and grizzle-beard is required to be Canadian and Spad is revealed to be a grumpy liar.