COMA radio

Please visit the new COMA radio [clone] site at: http://comacopied.podomatic.com/ Since I've pretty much run out of storage space here, I created the new site which is updated much more frequently. It can be found and downloaded in iTunes as well.

Thomas Newman - Any Other Name 4.9.09 : M If you were still here. Walking within the vicinity of my ribcage. Today would have been a warm beautiful day. Today we'd have talked about horses always having an appetite. Easter-themed smiley cookies. And how inspiring it must have been when my grandfather drove cross-country from California to Pennsylvania with a parrot named Petey keeping him company the entire way. I miss your comfortable company. 4.9.09 : M It's a sharp sentimental sadness when you catch yourself backstroking through pools and pools of memories. As if it weren't a common daily occurence that somehow shook-down surprised you. I always think of you. Because it's hard to wrap my heart around these 3 long years. Sometimes seeming short. Most often times it's unbelievably overwhelming to think of you being gone so long. Longing for that infinitely-elusive hug. A laughter and a smile that are both so dearly missed. How I miss you, M. 4.9.09 : still M To think that the cancer was even capable of causing chaos in your body's courageous components. Will always be beyond belief. It wasn't fair that your body lost bits and bags and boxes of it's strength. It wasn't fair that it was you. It wasn't fair that you died that day. I wish you were here. I wish your lungs were launching laughter into this room. I wish for the only one that could ever be you. 4.10.09 : M My feelings go without saying.

State Radio - Keepsake Joseph Arthur - Exhausted Puddle Of Mudd - Blurry Sneaker Pimps - Walk The Rain Dave Matthews - Dreaming Tree Bjork - All Is Full Of Love 7.10.08 : love you dad It's 2:05p and I've littered my mind with nostalgia and alcohol. I've been choking on a broken heart since that morning's 6:06a. I don't know what to do with myself. I've been wrapped in a numb haze that has nothing better to do than keep me company with it's consistency. I feel alone and unguided. My grandfather is gone and I don't know how to put my own two feet together and keep moving through this draining disaster. How do you accept this much of a magnified loss. How do you accept the loss of life that's been applied to the strongest branch of your family tree. I don't know how to feel what I want to feel or say what I want to say. I'm a functional wreck. I've been carrying his picture in my pocket for days and days. I've had his Navy bracelet wrapped around my wrist for 3+ weeks. I've securely held him in my eyesight for 30 straight years and it's not enough. It's never enough. I need more. I need so much fucking more. I need more of my grandfather's calmly-carved presence. I need his laughter. I need the sound of his chest when it's dispelling his chest full of coughs. No one can come close to this contagious France at his brilliantly-bestowed best. No one can make his goodbye any easier.

Playlist : Radiohead - Videotape Moby - Inside Peter Gabriel - I Grieve Moby - Everloving Tool - Wings For Marie, Pt. 1 Radiohead - Videotape : When I'm at the pearly gates This'll be on my videotape My videotape When Mephistopheles is just beneath And he's reaching up to grab me This is one for the good days And I have it all here In red blue green In red blue green And you are my center when I spin away Out of control on videotape On videotape On videotape This is my way of saying goodbye Because I can't do it face to face I'm talking to you from... No matter what happens now You shouldn't be afraid Because I know today has been The most perfect day I've ever seen Peter Gabriel - I Grieve : It was only one hour ago It was all so different then There’s nothing yet has really sunk in Looks like it always did This flesh and bone Is just the way that we are tied in Now there's no one home I grieve for you You leave me It’s so hard to move on Still loving what's gone they say life carries on they say life carries on and on and on and on The news that truly shocks is the empty, empty page While the final rattle rocks its empty, empty cage And I can't handle this I grieve for you You leave me Let it out and move on Missing what's gone They say life carries on They say life carries on and on and on Life carries on In the people I meet In everyone that's out on the street In all the dogs and cats In the flies and rats In the rot and the rust In the ashes and the dust Life carries on and on and on and on Life carries on and on and on It’s just the car that we ride in The home we reside in The face that we hide in The way we are tied in Life carries on and on and on and on Life carries on and on and on Did I dream this belief Or did I believe this dream Now I can find relief I grieve Tool - Wings For Marie - Part 1 : You believed You believed in moments none could see You believed in me A passionate spirit Uncompromise Boundless and open A light in your eyes that Could end all lies Vacant, broken Fell at the hands of those movements that I wouldn't see Cause it was you who prayed for me, so What have I done to be a son to an angel? What have I done to be worthy? Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescence Difficult to see you in this light Please forgive this selfish question, but What am I to say to all these ghouls tonight? She never told a lie Well might've told a lie But never lived one Didn’t have a life Didn’t have a life But surely saved one See? I'm alright, now It’s time for us to let you go 4.5.08 : ... You've been breaking my heart more-so than usual lately. Can I say that and not worry about being victimized by vulnerability? I question this because it is a question. The tears start to splish-splash in the back of my throat when I think of all of the missing face-to-face time. Why does life hand out cheat cards when no one is ever interested in accepting them. The length of your legacy was unfairly snatched short. I've remembered every square inch of your face. With a welcoming smile constantly plastered between your compassionate sidewalk-chalked cheek bones. How could I ever forget a significance such as you. I rhetorically question that one too. Because it is a question. You with your ever constant influenceable face. I'll forever remember your face. I remember the way it used to light up in those pre-cancer days. Getting hung up on the cancer. Because cancer has become my whole-hearted-heavily-hated enemy. But in an attempt to be honest. I barely ever think of the way you looked when it clung to you like a heavy apathetic-overcoat. When I think of you. I think of only you. 4.8.08 : aphex twins - stone in focus Sitting here with these oversized headphones slung atop these surpasingly-sad eardrums. You would have loved this song if you had heard it during your luminous laughing days. How I've fucking wept and bargain-pled for another round of your spectacular laughter. It has always been my most significant song of rememberance. 4.9.08 : ... And it's not until you're choking on pieces of your own nostalgically hemmed-heart. That you remember why you're even smile-broken in the first place. You were one of the luckiest faces to be splattered all over the heart-space. With the inspiration and constant love from a woman that considered you to be an adopted version of her very own pre-existing trio of children. She constructed great elaborate plans for both you and your slung-stalled art career. She believed in you. She adviced you. She pushed you. She loved and listened to you. She made you believe in yourself. 4.9.08 : ... With a blue Sharpie-marked M on the underside of my wrist. All I can do is remember the brilliant heart-bombarding that is known to come on behalf of you. And as usual. My heart capsizes within all of the love that I have for you. 4.10.08 : ... Today is the day to follow in the footsteps of old infamous familiars. Today is the day I'll wear my tribute smile.

Finally... the 90's!! 001 - When In Rome - The Promise 002 - KWS - Please Don't Go 003 - Corona - Rhythm Of The Night 004 - London Beat - I've Been Thinking About You 005 - The Cure - Friday I'm In Love 006 - Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner 007 - Boy George - The Crying Game 008 - Snap - Rhythm Is A Dancer 009 - Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes 010 - Go West - King Of Wishful Thinking 011 - B-52's - Rock Lobster 012 - George Michael - Father Figure 013 - Jon Secada - Just Another Day 014 - Tom Cochran - Life Is A Highway

001 - Lindsay Buckingham - Trouble 002 - Martika - Toy Soldiers 003 - The Police - King Of Pain 004 - John Waite - I Ain't Missing You At All 005 - Paul Young - Every Time You Go Away 006 - Steve Nicks - Silver Springs 007 - Alan Parsons Project - Eye In The Sky 008 - Belinda Carlisle - Heaven Is A Place On Earth 009 - Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead Or Alive 010 - Bryan Adams - Run To You 011 - Cyndi Lauper - True Colors 012 - Howard Jones - Things Can Only Get Better 013 - Jefferson Starship - Sarah 014 - Paula Abdul - Rush Rush 015 - Prince - When Doves Cry

Myspace : www.myspace.com/damndirtywest Youtube : www.youtube.com/fiiiiive05

This 80's mix is brought to you by the morning crew at McDowell's. "Look... Me and the McDonald's people got this little misunderstanding. See, they're McDonald's... I'm McDowell's. They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs. They got the Big Mac, I got the Big Mick. We both got two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but their buns have sesame seeds. My buns have no seeds." [01] - COMA radio intro [02] - Steve Perry - Oh Sherrie [03] - Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me [04] - Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Years [05] - Mr. Mister - Broken Wings [06] - Foreigner - Been Waiting For A Girl Like You [07] - Jefferson Starship - We Built This City [08] - John Waite - I Ain't Missing You At All [09] - Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart [10] - Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal [11] - Pat Benatar - Invincible [12] - Phil Collins - Do You Remember [13] - The Outfield - I Don't Wanna Lose Your Love Tonight [14] - Prince - I Would Die 4 U Myspace : www.myspace.com/damndirtywest Youtube : www.youtube.com/fiiiiive05

This 80's mix is brought to you by Johnny 5! xx] - Back to the Future II - Welcome to the Cafe 80's ** xx] - COMA Intro 01] - Billy Idol - Eyes Without A Face 02] - Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now xx] - Airplane - Don't Call Me Shirley ** 03] - The Cure - Love Song xx] - Young Frankenstein - I thought I told you ** 04] - Big Country - In A Big Country 05] - Journey - Faithfully 06] - Human League - Human 07] - Cory Hart - Never Surrender 08] - Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over xx] - Spaceballs - I'm surrounded by assholes ** 10] - Survivor - High On You 11] - Real Life - Send Me An Angel xx] - Legend - We are all animals my lady ** 12] - Hall & Oates - Out Of Touch xx] - Ferris Bueller's Day Off - Bueller, Bueller, Bueller ** 13] - Johnny Hates Jazz - Shattered Dreams 14] - Journey - Seperate Ways 15] - Mike & The Mechanics - Silent Running xx] - Ghostbusters - I'm fuzzy on the whole good / bad thing ** 16] - Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is 17] - Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting xx] - Planes, Trains & Automobiles - You play with your balls alot ** 18] - The Police - If I Ever Lose My Faith In You 19] - The Cars - Drive xx] - Coming To America - Yes, yes, fuck you too! ** 20] - Simple Minds - Alive & Kicking xx] - Back To The Future - It was meant to be ** 21] - White Snake - Is This Love ** Denotes movie sound bite

Deftones - "Minerva" I get all numb When she sings it's over Such a strange numb And it brings my knees to the earth And God bless you all For the song you saved us You're the same numb When you sing it's over Such a strange numb It could bring back peace to the earth So God bless you all For the song you saved us ... oh For the hearts you break every time you moan I get all numb We're the same numb And it brings our knees to the earth So God bless you all For the song you saved us ... oh For the hearts you break every time you moan And God bless you all on the earth

Rich Jacques - "Please Don't Break My Heart"

01] - Flickerstick - Beautiful 02] - Thirrd Eye Blind - Anything [acoustic] 03] - James Blunt - Fall At Your Feet 04] - The Early November - Make It Happen [acoustic] 05] - 3 Doors Down - So I Need You [acoustic] 06] - Seether - Broken [acoustic] 07] - Lifehouse - Storm [acoustic] 08] - The Spill Canvas - The Night Will Go As Follows 09] - Joseph Arthur - Honey & The Moon 10] - Dashboard Confessional - For You To Notice 11] - Bjork - All Is Full Of Love 12] - Bjork - Violently Happy

Tribute Playlist: Moby - "Hotel Intro" Moby - "God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters" Philip Glass - "Koyaanisqatsi" Moby - "Down Slow" Tori Amos - "Toast" Moby - "My Weakness" Tori Amos "Toast" Lyrics: I thought it was Easter time The way the light rose Rose that morning Lately you've been on my mind You showed me the rope Ropes to climb Over mountains And to pull myself Out of a landslide Of a landslide I thought it was harvest time You always loved the smell of the wood burning She with her honey hair Dalhousie Castle She would meet you there In the winter Butter yellow The flames you stirred Yes, you could stir I raise a glass Make a toast A toast in your honor I hear you laugh And beg me not to dance On your right standing by Is Mr. Bojangles With a toast he's telling me it's time To raise a glass Make a toast A toast in your honor I hear you laugh and beg me not to dance On your right standing is Mr. Bojangles With a toast he's telling me it's time To let you go Let you go I thought I'd see you again You said you might do Maybe in a carving In a cathedral Somewhere in Barcelona 4.9.07 : sad Avoid it when it's most painful. I think it's what I do best. But just exactly how do you repress a year's worth of grief. How do you remember and honor a friend that's been nothing more than a memory. So much more than a memory. Nothing real to touch. It's the memory of the touch. No skin of the hand that pulled you in for those comfort-laced hugs. No sounds of the one-and-only laughter. I can hear that laugh. Her laugh. But it's been nothing more than strips of tape pulled from the recorder that's housed in my head. I'm selfish. I want more than memories and a chest full of love. 4.9.07 : silent I know that you know. Why I'm having such a hard time saying anything to you. I feel like my voice is broken. So all I can do is write my message on a piece of paper. And set it on the corner of my desk and wait for you to come by and read it. 4.10.07 : stunned And I don't know what the hell just happened during this 3:00a. But a woman, from I don't even know where, hit me with the hardest words that I could have ever received today. Today is M's day. A day of remembrance and recognition. All mixed with hours upon hours of a humbled heavy heart-washing. And yet. That's exactly who this woman came to my inbox speaking of. An inbox that's barely been tampered with 2-3 times. A complete stranger that has been infiltrated with the inspiration of my great friend Michelle. A stranger that had been brought to tears. Reading those received words on a day like today. Pulled the tears from me as well. Luring the full bulk of tears that I've been trying so damn hard to hold intact. To keep tightly looped within my heavy heart. Feeling like I've been stunned into a speechless sentimental here. I'm all over the place here. And I don't know how to control it. How do you keep your composure when a stranger knocked your lungs clear out into an unnanounced time-out. I am so overwhelmed. All I can say is thank you.

COMA radio is sponsored by 5design. Check out the goods here : www.cafepress.com/5design Lyrics to show's intro: NURSE: Excuse me? Doctor? Do you have a moment? DOCTOR: A moment? What's the question? NURSE: More of a situation, a gentleman in exam 3. DOCTOR: What's the problem? NURSE: That is the problem, we're not sure. DOCTOR: You got the chart? NURSE: Right here. DOCTOR: Not much here is there? NURSE: No doctor, no obvious physical trauma. Vitals are stable. DOCTOR: Name? NURSE: No sir. DOCTOR: Did someone drop him off? Maybe we could speak to them. Let's get some background on this fella. NURSE: No ID. Nothing (heavy breathing in background) And he won't speak to anybody. DOCTOR: Well, let's say hello. Good Morning, I'm Dr. Lawson. How are you today? How - are - you today?! Look son, you're in a safe place. We wanna help in whatever way we can. But you need to talk to us. We can't help you otherwise. What's happened? Tell me everything. Random lyrics from this show's chest full of MP3's : °°° Got my sights locked in I can see you breathe °°° °°° Got a badge for my scars just the other day, wore it proud for the sake of my sanity °°° °°° Listen closely to what I say °°° °°° Troubles will come and they will pass °°° °°° No matter what you say you're still so blind to me °°° °°° Here by my side you are destruction °°° °°° Never turn your back on me again °°° °°° Careful, you be careful °°° °°° You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be °°° °°° I'm sorry it's my fault I wasn't there to see whatever you became °°° °°° How am I supposed to love you °°° °°° Loving you might even kill me °°° °°° I'm daring people to jump off roofs with me °°°

COMA radio is sponsored by 5design. Check out the goods here : www.cafepress.com/5design Random lyrics from this show's chest full of MP3's : °°° Lets see if I'm hearing this right °°° °°° I'm reclaiming their minds °°° °°° But you're feeling so bad cause you know °°° °°° I forget everything I learn °°° °°° I've got to let it go and leave it gone °°° One of my random writings from the past 7 years [ from today's date or the closest to it ] : 12.19.00 : untitled You panicked. Over the volume of the fear ringing between your ears. Lick the salt from your hand. Don't try to cover me up. Smother me. You broke me. Don't push me into the past. You broke me. I'll never leave. You broke me.

Random lyrics from this show's chest full of MP3's : °°° You know I expected so much more from you °°° °°° You will be dispensed with when you become inconvenient °°° °°° I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me °°° °°° But I'm fine °°° °°° I won't break this silence that we've shared for so long... I will be strong °°° °°° My reflection says you're in pain, you're insane, can't explain why I tend to think these things °°° °°° Family photo, comb your hair, wear a smile, wear a tie... lie & don't be camera shy °°° °°° And it's beginning to get to me °°°

Another single MP3 that keeps me thinking of Michelle. She will always remain pasted to the layers of my heart. The song's lyrics: No more gold lights for the queen earth to keep you warm in your kingdoms High on the waves you make for us But not since you left have the waves come The bar is dead and the rocket's rain is keeping you wet in your deathbed So high on the waves you made for us And not since you left have the waves come... Have the waves come... 7.19.06 : I can feel you speaking to me when it rains I've discovered another song that makes me think of you. Will be adding it to my tribute playlist as soon as I go home tonight. I've really been missing you, M. I never feel your presence in my rooms anymore. My television works fine again. And my lightbulbs never blow out anymore. The 75 watt stock has been restacked. The surplus bringing even more sadness. Because you're completely in heaven now. And it could be a while until I get to hug and feel your smile again. Just keep knowing that I miss and think of you always. Always wondering about the conversations that we could have had each afternoon. Because today I'd have probably talked to you about my sister's graduation party and my ideas for a new art piece. I'd have asked you if Big Stew still avoided you. And if you would be proud of me if I told you that I'm about to go head to head with my greatest fear. And plant the truth out in the open for everyone to see. Because I've been hoping that you're still proud of me. For all of the art that I've been making. For the solo side projects that I've kept up with. I love you, Michelle. And I already know that you're proud of me. And even from heaven... you will always be there for me. 7.19.06 : cherry pepsi for all Today I went to Wendy's and bought a mandarin chicken salad. It's what I do when my heart is hurting. It's what I do when I'm missing you like crazy. When I can no longer stand the silence of your laughter. I hate not having you around, M. I fucking hate it. But the salad was the last thing that I had seen you eat. Because I recommended it's ingredients and you took me up on the thought of it. The evening I drove to the restaurant and picked it up for you. We sat in your livingroom and ate dinner together. We watched your sister's "Walk the Line" DVD and we breathed together. It was the last time that I saw you. The last time that I looked into your eyes. As I stepped into your grip for my final hug.

There's only one MP3 available here. It makes me think of Michelle. These are the lyrics: We listen to the tales and romanticize, How we follow the path of the hero Boast about the day when the rivers overrun, How we'll rise to the height of our halo. Listen to the tales as we all rationalize Our way into the arms of the savior Fading all the trials and the tribulations, None of us have actually been there, Not like you... The ignorant fibbers in the congregation Gather around spewing sympathy, Spare me... None of them could even hold a candle up to you Blinded by choices, hypocrites Won't see But enough about the collective judas Who could deny you were the one who illuminated Your little piece of the divine This little light of mine it gives your past unto me, I'll let it shine, to guide you safely on your way Your way home... Ohh, what are they gonna do when the lights go down Without you to guide them all to Zion? What are they gonna do when the rivers overrun Other than tremble incessantly? High as a wave But I'll rise on up off the ground. You are the light and the way They'll only read about I only pray heaven knows When to lift you out 10000 days in the fire is long enough. You're going home... You're the only one who can hold your head up high, Shake your fist at the gates saying, "I have come home now!" Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father, Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended. "It's time now! My time now! Give me my Give me my wings!"... Give me my (x5) "Give me my wings" You are the light, the way, that they will only read about Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance Burden of proof tossed upon non-believers. You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence, Judith Marie, unconditional one. Daylight dims leaving cool flourescence. Difficult to see you in this light. Please forgive this bold suggestion: Should you see your maker's face tonight Look him in the eye Look him in the eye and tell him I never lived a lie, never took a life, But surely saved one Hallejullah, It's time for you to bring me home. 5.4.06 : there's something uncomfortable about writing in regards to a permanently vacant friend You've had my full attention, M. I know you've been gesturing and talking to me. From your pictured perfect version of heaven. M's heaven. You've had plenty left to share. The multiple burnt out light bulbs and flickering television set only begin to tell a part of this story. I've felt you standing next to me. Turned around out of nowhere one day. And waived to you from the middle of my basement's staircase. Knowing that you were returning the gesture with a smile and an invisible wave of your own. You touched my shoulder as I walked into the kitchen on Easter's afternoon. And I wasn't scared. I'm not scared of your signs. I'm calm and open when you come approaching. Because you've been the only complete one. To help me through your death. You're reaching to me from a higher place. A bright beautiful place. You've been telling me that it's okay. That God took away the cancer and it's pain. That he/she has made you happy and comfortable and at peace again. You're happy and you're warm. You're okay now. That's what you've said. But I want to tell you that I miss you. And I do tell you that I miss you. As I speak and launch my lungs to the open silent air. You know that I miss you so much. I love you so much. I just want to hear your voice. I want to again steal the nightly hugs from your grinning grip. I want to walk to you with my absurd penned sketches in hand. And let you tape them up onto your walls. I want to surprise you with cups of Starbucks chai tea and cold apple pies from McDonalds. I wish that I still had invitations to come and watch movies with you in your peaceful living room. I want to hang out with you. To sit down and eat lunch with you and laugh with you. I want to debate with you. And talk about art and it's inspiration. About refilling yourself with inspiration..... I miss you so much. I miss you too much to even continue these words.....

My great friend Michelle has gone atop the cloud's structure. She's gone and left her lungs and her impressions behind. These aren't all of the writings that I've written that have involved her. These are just the paragraphs that I've chosen to share. After M's death, this is the only song that I could listen to. I listened to it the morning that I got the call[s] of her death. I listened to it for 2 straight solid weeks. I listen to it... & it still makes me cry. june : 17 : 2005 : adopted mother michelle And I just found out what has happened. You've already been missing from work for 3+ months. Out with a bad back. The reasoning for your pain the doctor's couldn't figure out. So you and they and me and everyone else. Figured it out all together. You have cancer. Sitting in it's own dumb fucking ugly rocking chair. Right next to your shell-shocked spine. I'm so sorry. I'm so sad and breaking on the inside for you. My heart won't stay inside it's normal cemented box. I cried as soon as I heard it. Hoping that I had heard it wrong. Hoping that some asshole was a sick joke teller with no morals or decency. I love you. You're one of the nicest people that I've ever met. By a far fucking long shot. You are the nicest. And I'm not turning these sentences out for the situation's sake. That type of shit is never in or on top of my agenda. I tell the truth just the way it is. And you don't deserve this. I want you to beat this so bad. Counter fucking punching your odds to their deserved death. I'd do anything I could for you. If it would make a difference. Even if it wouldn't. You were one of the only 2 there for me during the disaster period of my life. When my mother turned all of her back on me. She next to hated me. Yet you still went to lunch with me and took me to museums. You kept pushing me towards art. Both others and my own. I never got tired of you asking to see it. Asking if I did it. I'd even let you read my writings. While you waited for the assembly of my book. You taught me how to do laundry and even listened to and liked my music. You gave me advice. Tried to explain the doings of an upset parent. You listened to me always. Always smiling and accepting and loving and constantly caring. I like the way you laugh. I told you you were better to me than my own family. And you told me that no one could replace family. june : 17 : 2005 : ... I still can't get over it. When something is directly affecting all of my emotional triggers. I'm usually stuck with it for days. Sometimes years. It's just the way I am. I am with feelings. I do care about other's feelings. I come way over the fucking top at times. Most of the time. But you'll learn how to take me. Or at least you should. Over time. july : 25 : 2005 : monday mode seeping through Filling yourself with gullible gallons and thank you-ing the dumb things that people hand you in life. Could possibly be one of those ridiculous hands that you're stuck with and forced to play. Could be the only chance you'll ever have to learn and strengthen. In a dramatically different sense. It shouldn't have happened. A friend trying to stay atop the life fight with cancer. I wear Lance's LIVESTRONG bracelet. Day in and day out. Ignoring it's late fashion trend and mediad magic. I'm supporting her with a simple recognition. A $1 rubberized tribute. Injected with plenty of meaning. Plenty of love and admiration. If you can't indirectly feed off of someone else's triumphs and blood coated accomplishments. What will it say about you. What can you say about yourself. When the fire blows out. I've got a lack of follow-through. But feel at ease with my aggressive style of love. Defending to the death is the only way it can really mean something. Impacting your eyeballs with it's largely constructed structure. Taking too much of the blame. Just for the good look's sake. Wanting reassurance and a mother's overtone. Make it okay and I won't know how to handle it. Comfort, security, happiness, repetition and the safety net. Scare me the most. Chaos is in the blood. Torment and the unexpected are the drugs. august : 07 : 2005 : m It's true that you might need a bone marrow transplant. At some point during the rough and scuffed walk of your recovery road. I'll do it for you. Ready to fight my way to the front of the line. No matter how much pain they say is involved. No matter how crooked the needle. I'm still doing it. Doing whatever I can to help you. I love you, Michelle. I miss the sound of your heart. august : 30 : 2005 : michelle aka meesh aka m aka adopted mother michelle There isn't much that I can/could write. To describe the mood and sentiment and magnitude of the situation. Everyone has taken bits and pieces of their conversations with you and your family. The newest news. Is that you've been back in the ICU. In cautious coated critical condition. For almost 2 weeks now. It's hard because no one really knows what's happening to you. We don't know what it's like. To go through your days of pain and fear. I miss you. I want to talk to and hear you smile. Your son says that you'll never work again. More than likely. You'll never come back here. I want you to get better. You've hit my heart in so many ways. I've known you for so long. And you've never been anything but strong and kind and better than unique. You've got a gathering of fans. A circle of faces that love you so damn much. I love you, Michelle. I know that you'll make it past all of these struggles. Your life is still yours. And it's waiting for you to pick up the camera. august : 31 : 2005 : michelle While having a conversation with the smack today. Your name came up. Instantly bringing up my tears. Choking my throat up right along with it. It was hard to talk with a girl that just lost her father. Getting too caught up in the moment. All I could do was hang up and keep driving. I miss you so much. I've barely ever prayed in my life. The direct requests that I ask for never get touched. Give me a break and don't say it. I already know. I'd feel guilty if I started to now. But now is the time to stretch your limbs and reach for something bigger. Reaching beyond the normal. It's the only thing that I'll ask for. You to get better and overcome the sickness. To get a break from the hospital and it's staff. I love you. I'm going to ask for some help for you. Keep fighting, M. september : 07 : 2005 : no progress to report Much hasn't changed with your details. That we at least know of. You're still in the ICU. Quickly turning into one full month. I heard that an infection put you there. I hate this. You have to get better. Cold's "God's Song" makes me think of you lately. And it sucks. There's really no positive in it. I can't help it. These are the lyrics: A victim to another level That no one ever cared about The way I ease my suffering Is killing me again I would not prescribe this feeling for you A pain with slow sustain Like a sad song lives on When the world won't take you back You know everyone's the same Were all a part in god's song Can't live with this pain forever There's nothing left to talk about The rain outside is troubling It takes me back again If I can't describe my feelings for you The game will never change Like a sad song lives on september : 08 : 2005 : michelle's voice kicked the cylinders out of my heart. I'm happy. It's almost 5a and I'm still awake. By myself. Drinking alone. But I'm happy. Let that rare emotion count for something. For once. For anything. I got to hear your voice again today. Michelle. I put the time of this week into your painting. Between the full 8 hours and the overtime. I sat at my desk and put my hand & thoughts into your piece. All I wanted was your smile. Your happiness. I wanted to try and take your mind off of the pain. For as many seconds/minutes as I could steal. I loved talking with you. Listening to your voice. It was the first time that I heard you laugh. In 4+ months. The first time I got to joke around with what seemed like a semi-copy of the old you. I love you, M. You made references to the future. My heart kicked into it's notches when I heard those references. You promised to help me with my art. With the comic strip. To collaborate and give me ideas for character's personalities, etc. I'll do it. I'm done with wasting my talent. I'm not insulting anyone up to this point. I've taken everyone's advice. It's just taken me up to this point. To get a hard swung, homefront delivered, final message. I didn't promise. But I told you that I'd continue to create. To embellish with art. I told you that I wouldn't do it without you. Now you've got to collaborate with me. You gave me your word that you would. You gave me happiness with that word. Thank you. september : 08 : 2005 : m I was awake at 5:30a. When it started to rain. That's when I thought of you the most. september : 20 : 2005 : Michelle sent and started off with the ideas I'll never care if I start to sound like a broken record. You're all that I can think about today. Most days. You completely kicked the biggest dose of happiness into my day. Thank you x 5,000. You sent your personal message to me through someone else. She told me what you said. What you wanted me to know. You've been brainstorming and coming up with ideas for the comic strip. For the "South of France" strip. It takes place in France. With 5 young kids that hang out in a French cafe all day. They make fun of the people that deserve it. Anyone and everyone. Now you want me to come up with their looks. I'll make time for it and get started right away. Because that's what you want. Thank you, M. For making me happy today. I was so sad and upset and angry yesterday. My heart was bleeding for you. This comic strip collaboration means everything to me. Because it involves you. It gets you to have fun with something. To look to the future. To hopefully forget about things for a few minutes when you're gathering the ideas. september : 29 : 2005 : you can see the point where my mind went off in a better & more important direction Wanting to get some writing done. Spill the text from my cranium's core. I might feel better about myself. If I tell you what I've been thinking about & of myself. My punctuation is being switched to the way that I've always laid it down in my notebooks. The word "and" is being substituted with an ampersand. And the word "with" is being replaced w/this alternative. There. That's it as far as my gruesome grammar goes. Pointless and painless. But at least I've appreciated you enough to bring you up to speed. Just like my P-G boss did w/me today. He told me that his last night's conversation w/Michelle included her being upbeat about the comic strip & painting that I created for her. She was tired & sad as far as her health & situation went. But interested on behalf of everything else she felt like pitching into the conversation. She still loves the painting. Talks about it w/everyone. She's still remembering & focusing on the comic strip. My friendliest & most meaningful of collaborations. It means so much to me that you're in on this 50-50 w/me Michelle. M. I'll make you proud. I promise that I'll make you happy w/my effort and ability to keep you in on the action. I'll work as hard as I can to get it to the famous level. That's long-shot thinking. But the thinking that I'm aiming for. Being able to make money from a comic strip so I can practically give all of it to you. As an appreciation to you. A helping figure. A thank you & an I've always loved you. For everyone that's not knowledgable of the comic strip. Here goes: It's called "The South of France" & no, I did not come up w/that name. A friend of mine thought it up around 5 years ago. It stuck because I never had the interest to change it. I've never been interested in comic strips. But my friends always told me that I should buckle down & create one. I'm not commited enough for a weekly wacky commitment. So I ignored them. Ignored until a few weeks ago. When Michelle called to thank me for the painting. She told me that I should stop turning my back to the talent. That I should do something w/it and stop being wasteful. I listened to her because she's right. She's always right. She's always known how to influence & correctly direct me. She told me to create the comic strip. I told her that I'd do it only if she helped me w/it. And she agreed. She's responsible for the personalities and 1/2 of the content. I'm responsible for the execution and the other 1/2 of the material. And there you've got it. I tell stupid stories. But you get the idea. So far. From M's direction. It takes place in France. With 5 young people that hang out in a French cafe all day. They make fun of everyone. Including the French. Basically. They make fun of anyone that needs & deserves it. She's still got her sense of humor. And I'm looking forward to seeing more & more of it. Once this strip gets going. Everyone has to buy it. Family member, closest friend, enemy or not. Please buy it & let me contribute the few bucks to her & her bills/medical bills. Thank you in advance. september : 29 : 2005 : Michelle. I tag it this way so it will never be doubted that it's about & to you After writing about you. I feel like I'm small when I'm stacked up next to you. And I appreciate feeling that way. You're so steady & strong and walking towards everything unknown. With your head screwed on in it's highest position. I know that you break down & smash face first into your IV strings & monotone monitors. I know that you bleed quicker and more violently and more passionately than the best of them. You have been a life lesson for me. A perfectly poured rock that will never fall from my pocket's lining. I've never told you that I loved you to your face. I don't think that I ever had to. I think you knew & now know. What you've always meant to me. I want to send you everything that I've ever written about you. Past & present included. But I'm afraid to. Afraid that I'm policing my own crazy boundaries. And making the poorest of judgements. I don't want you to read the "please don't pencil my friend in to die" type of lines. But at the same time. I want you to see that the most aggressive style can impact you straight to your heart. And produce the most sincerest symphony of decibals. I'm running w/love only. This is how it sounds when it falls from my mouth. january : 04 : 2006 : M Thank you God. Thank you very much. For one time answering one of my rarest prayers. I just got the best news that's ever been created. The most insane fucking unbelievable news ever. Michelle is coming back to work this Monday. I don't even think that I can properly pen the calibur of this. So I won't. february : 03 : 2006 : Michelle I don't know why I didn't write about it until know. Trying to stay humble and keep it under my breath until now. I finally got to visit you face to face. Michelle. I got to see the face that I've loved & respected for so long now. And it's your face and your voice and your heart that I remember the most. Your thin body with your thinning hair was just a small step to lift my legs over. I love you. I wasn't afraid to look at you. I liked to look at you. Look into your sincere eyes. Your sad sunken eyes. To listen to your voice outside of a twisted phone cord. You made my Saturday. Two Saturdays ago. You made that the best Saturday of my life. Yet I was already missing you by Sunday. We spent 4 hours together. Working on the comic strip. Hooking our brains up to one another. Collaborating and splattering up your dining room table. Eating pizza. Watching 30 minutes of Wallace & Gromit. I brought all of my paintings to share with you. To let you critique and comment on them. I enjoyed your company. Fully. I didn't want it to end. But your strength gave out by mid-evening. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell you how much you mean to me. How much I think about you on a daily basis. I waited 3/4 of the year. Just to get to you and your hug. Just to see you again. And it was your hug that scared me. Feeling all of the bones in your thinned back. Your hug scared and moved and reassured me all at the same time. Because you're here. You're breathing and fighting and fighting still. You are here, M. Please don't leave. Don't let anything take you from us. From your family. From your friends. From your home. From this life. From your important and most inspiring position. From me. I love your friendship. Please don't want to go. march : 06 : 2006 : after watching Coppola's "KOYAANISQATSI" this is how I felt None of us really know anything. When we can't even relate to one another. Each other is the same. And still we cannot compromise. And love and agree and remain willing. To look at things as if they belonged to us also. Each pain is the same. And still we want our blood to sound more important. Smile and experience with each other. Enjoy and validate each other. It's okay. Unwind and embrace and untie the kinks in your neck. Beauty is still in the air. You just forgot how to look and reach for it. Start reaching for it before you forget again. march : 20 : 2006 : everything's on tap tonight - you've come knocking on my lazy ink pen Walking out of work with the feelings that I had. Felt terrible. Comparable to an under-the-weather of sorts. But multiplied by 50. I hope that I had left part of my heart with you. When I responed and told you that I loved you too. Finally I voiced & kicked those 3 words from my throat. Because it's true, M. You've been stapled into the lining of my heart for so long now. A free-roaming fixture. I love you so damn much. Would be plain insanity to even try and describe it's calibur. It's unnerving because I don't think I'll ever get to show you. The levels of respect and admiration that I have for you. Exactly the way that I'd like to. I want you to believe and willingly accept all of my feelings for the complete truth that they are. You are the most inspiring woman that I have ever crossed paths with. You are my steady and silent motivator. And unlike what you say. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you for what you've done for me. I can't pin you with an IOU. That's chump change compared to what I've learned and gained from you. And you have to take this. This is truth. Straight-delievered from this immature France. april : 10 : 2006 : I can't say goodbye I love you, Michelle. You died this morning. I love you. I miss you. ________________________________________________ Quote: "How frighteningly few are the persons whose death would spoil our appetite and make the world seem empty." Author: Eric Hoffer