Tales of Nowhere

Sometimes, when the planets are in alignment, and you find yourself in just the right place, and a butterfly has flapped its wings in a city miles away, a universe can on occasion do everything it can to kick the crap out of you. Hey, it happens to the best of us. You just have to hope that somehow, someway, you think of a solution before it ends up swallowing you whole.

It's time for a brief lesson in quantum mechanics! Exciting I know. See, there's the fabric of reality as you know it, but the thing about fabric is it has to hang on something, or rest on something, or be folded haphazardly on something. That something is what I call the in-between space. Every universe has to bump up against other stuff out there, and that stuff isn't always another universe. So what is it, exactly? Hell if I know.

As a caretaker, there's nothing worse than not being able to take care. Or give care, though I'm not a caregiver. English is funny, isn't it? Either way, it's great having these four people back home. I can finally get on with some hosting duties, get closer to fulfilling my purpose, all of that. Plus now I won't be the only one this strangely dressed new girl stares at anymore.

Did I know what they'd be walking into when I flipped that switch? ...Yes. Did I know just how dangerous it would be to put them in that situation right out of the gate? Also yes. But they'll just have to learn to trust me. Consider it a team bonding exercise, one this group is in desperate need of.

I think for as long as there's been trains, people have had an indescribable urge to take the things that are in them. I mean, whatever's in there is already boxed up and on the move, you just have to make it move...toward you. Plus, the train only goes one way. Pick one of the other countless directions and chances are you'll get away. Hm. Is there still time for me to join up on this heist? Sounds like a good time.

Yeah, I should probably explain the food thing a little more clearly next time, huh? Thing is, I'm not sure I want to. It's a literal boatload of laughs listening to their reactions when that extradimensional meal finally gets digested. You never know what can happen, and I guess I've just been starved for entertainment. Can't help myself. By the way, just imagine that. A boat full of laughter. What a world that'd be.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the luck of the draw. Technical poker term Jimmy taught me. Basically, sometimes the hand we're dealt is a little easier to deal with than other times. I look at these four, out their savin' the multiverse, and I have to wonder, are they a royal flush or just...well, somethin' else I'd like to flush?

It's interesting to see what happens when all those false memories conflict with the real ones. How exactly can they tell the difference? These days I seem to be getting new memories every...well, day. And it seems like they've been with me all along. So it can be tough to make the right decision when your memories are telling you one thing and your other memories are telling you something else. That sounded better in my head.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say these folks were having a little too much fun with this job. Don't get me wrong, too much fun is better than too much misery, but I am getting a little nervous that well...that they'll put an entire universe in danger. I still believe in them, of course. I'm programmed to.

They say home is where the heart is. Which in this case is probably for the best because their home got smashed to pieces. Luckily, they also say the universe provides. So I'm sure something will come along. Or it won't, and if that happens...well, as they say, that's just how the cookie crumbles.

There's a strange phenomenon out in the multiverse that I like to call the Shifting Sands theory. Kind of an artifact that popped up after all the universes were synced up again. And let me tell you, the ramifications of such events are a consistent strain on the ol' hard drive.

I can't believe I'm saying this but for once I'm glad I'm stuck in Nowhere. Don't think I could stand this kind of party. Too high class, too many stuffed shirts. Not that I'm against stuffed shirts. It's just a colloquialism, you understand. And to be honest, I've always wanted to try a crab puff. Maybe I'm not so glad after all.

Sometimes, there are no words. And it seems almost silly for that time to come around as we watch over this strange little city in the middle of a dying universe...but maybe it's more about the people in that strange little city. If they've come to care enough to try and save it, if they have it in them to change, if they could one day be called heroes.

The more I learn about this place, the less it feels like home. It's a sad truth, and one I haven't come to terms with yet. But for the first time I'm starting to question my place in the universe. Not something I've ever had to do before. At the very least, I'm glad I have people I trust to guide me along the way. That's right, my friends are coming home today.

Funerals are tough, at least according to my programming. The truth is, I've never been to one. But I've lost people, and I know what that feels like. This is on an entirely different spot on the spectrum as far as funerals go. I don't even know if there's ever been one like this before. Wish I could have seen it.

As the days in Nowhere stretch on, the gang gets along as best they can waiting for the upcoming journey to a brand new world.

After a death-defying escape, the Unfiniteers meet up with the Inquisition's opposition, on the island city of San Sancha.

It's time to see if the Unfiniteers have what it takes to be on a pirates crew! Get ready for death defying stunts, swashbuckling fights, and random wild animal attacks!

The Unfiniteers officially join Cutter's fleet, undertaking their first death-defying mission escorting The Devil's Fall on a simple cargo delivery. What could possibly go wrong?

The battle continues on as a newly discovered Inquisition ship makes its way toward the now damaged Spencer's Gifts. It's a real frying pan and fire situation, here folks.

The crew unleashes their passive aggressive side as the Pirate Fleet prepares to move out against the Inquisition. And the question that looms over everyone is whether or not the Spencer's Gifts will make the journey with them.

The crew gets bored on their way to Castille, and then a massive battle takes place at its shore. The Pirates have come to take out the Inquisition, but will they succeed?

The appearance of a long-lost relative sparks more than a few political debates as the crew of the Spencer's Gifts tries to decide how the hell they're going to get out of this battle.

Sebastian returns home to the surprise of anyone who thought he was dead this whole time, and then he decides how he wants to handle the Inquisition. 

It doesn't normally take this long to fall out of a tower. But after that mess is taken care of, the gang decides how exactly they're going to find this dang pirate treasure everyone forgot about.

Of the many tales that were told of that day, none could hope to measure up to the one concerning Dee and his unending, inexplicable friendship with Big Pete. Also Sebastian maybe finding his mom, finally.

The Janiteers have 30 minutes to make it off of the High Inquisitor's ship before the pirates start blastin'. But there are so many secrets to discover, a minor uprising to start, and a few fights to...fight. Will they make it in time? Probably not.

You know that whole concept of time thing? Try not to think about it too much, this one gets pretty wild. But the important part is, Sebastian has finally found his mother, and might even have a way back to Castille. 

Alright, it's time. Time to save Castille, the New World, Thea, and every magic user on the planet. Time to close that rift. Time to fight, win, and say goodbye. Today, the Janiteers are leaving this world. One way or another.

After heading back to Nowhere, the Janiteers get some time to themselves before heading off into the unknown to retrieve another artifact for Donovan. Who can smell now.

Part Three of Six. Entering an entirely new universe, the crew of the Valkyrie must leave their morals at the Teleportarium when they're thrust into a Gothic Nightmare.

Part Four of Six. The gothic nightmare continues as the crew of the Valkyrie attempts to find out more about their missing ship, and escape this universe with their lives.

Part Five of Six. Finally back home, the crew of the Valkyrie adjusts to life with their new crewmates and without the old, a few weeks after their return.

Part Six of Six. The final battle begins, as the crew of the Valkyrie prepare to close the rifts for good. Sit back, relax, and enjoy. It's time to pop open the last can of this six pack.

A New Year's Eve party in Nowhere turns into a universe hopping adventure for the Janiteers in this proseful celebration of the New Year Holiday.

It's time to return to the Season 2 story and rejoin the Janiteers back in Nowhere as they prepare to go on an all-new adventure! They end up somewhere familiar yet different, and discover friendly faces, old rivalries and a whole new mess to clean up. I know that description is vague but I'm trying to avoid spoilers, okay?

It's Valentine's Day! Do you have a date to the dance? It'd be crazy if you did, cause this is a podcast. But our favorite crew of teenage misfits are headed back to school on a Friday night and things are about to get...super weird.

The Janiteers find themselves treading familiar ground on a Saturday afternoon, with familiar faces they've never met. 

While galavanting around the wrong side of a portal, the Janiteers find a little cabin in the woods. Knock Knock.

The Janiteers chat over pizza, meet someone new, then deal with a boatload of emotional and physical trauma.

Deep in the tunnels beneath Boulder, the gang uncovers a shocking conspiracy. Plus, Ramona grows a moustache. 

With a massive rift open in this universe, there's only one thing to do...try to close it before they all die. So the Janiteers gear up and do what they do best: try. 

With Nowhere in chaos, the Janiteers set out on a mission to locate the mysterious Writer using an old corridor known only as the Hall of Doors.

After finding themselves in a strange theme park modeled after the exploits of the original Infiniteers, the Janiteers battle their way to the Exile of Fate as they continue to search for answers.

Deep in the bowels of the Exile of Fate, the Janiteers dive into a strange hologram recording showing the original group of Infiniteers and their hail mary plan to eliminate a new threat in the multiverse.

Part Two. Deep in the bowels of the Exile of Fate, the Janiteers continue to dive into a strange hologram recording showing the original group of Infiniteers and their hail mary plan to eliminate a new threat in the multiverse. 

Part Three. Deep in the bowels of the Exile of Fate, the Janiteers conclude their dive into a strange hologram recording showing the original group of Infiniteers and the end of their hail mary plan to eliminate a new threat in the multiverse. 

The Janiteers decide on their next step, and in doing so, are pulled into an important mission with an entire universe at stake.

DeeDee returns home, and everything's different. Her, the world, her village, the other Janiteers, that weird thing in the sky. It's all just different, okay?

As DeeDee revists her hometown, troubling emotions boil to the surface. Also troubling giant monsters.

The Janiteers make their way through the land of Shadow of the Demonlord on an urgent quest to reclaim a piece of silverware.

Turns out, leaving a city known for insane magicians and chaotic magic isn't exactly a cakewalk. Also, is anybody else cold in here?

There was a small cave incident, and now the Janiteers find themselves back on top of a familiar mountain peak. Did someone go 88 miles per hour?

Don't wait! Grab your copy of this very special Nowhere Christmas Album today and celebrate this holiday season across the entire multiverse!

During a routine dungeon crawl, the Janiteers finds that...well, turns out there's no such thing as a routine dungeon crawl in this universe.

Rothdamona makes her way back home, as Stonewall prepares for their upcoming pilgrimage.

The Janiteers journey into the depths of the Shield Mountains, to meet with the Dwarven City leaders and once again irrevocably alter history. Oops.

Uncovering an ancient cavern in the heart of the Shield Mountains brings more trouble than previously thought as Sebastian finds a new friend and Rothdamona thinks she's melting.

After an arguably heroic savior moment, Bash finds himself...somewhere else, as the other Janiteers entirely lose control over this whole situation.

The Janiteers finally catch up with time itself, as the moment of truth arrives and Rothdamona helps Dee make a decision about their future within the multiverse.

Ready to go behind the bar in this optional episode and find out what everyone thought of Season 2's Shadow of the Demonlord arc? How did we think we could get away with time travel? How will we feel about Rothdamona now that everything's all said and done? The answers to your burning questions will be answered and more in this Tales of Nowhere Happy Hour, because it's five o' clock somewhere!

Sandstorms, explosions, and dangerous car stunts keep the Janiteers from discovering what exactly is going on as they traverse the wasteland on an epic mission to rescue...someone? Maybe?

A rescue mission turns into an all-out arena brawl in a pit of rust and metal with a healthy dose of family bickering. What else did you expect when Hondo comes back?

Back in Nowhere, the Janiteers and a wandering Infiniteer have the chance to explore the now bustling train station and decide who around them is worth trusting.

The fight for Nowhere continues as the Janiteers do battle with a massive crystal creature, then face an even bigger, more terrifying challenge: Diplomacy.

The Janiteers arrive in a brand new world, one that's been around the block a few times. In a strange place called the Cold Desert, they must figure out how to play by a whole new set of rules.

Boarding the subway (or is it a train?), the Janiteers learn more about the small community they've apparently decided to join. Then they fight some stuff.

It's a race against the clock as the Janiteers delve head-first into an ancient ruin in search for a cypher that could save the Jewel from the Dread's destruction...Man, that description won't make any sense if you haven't heard the last few episodes.

The great delve adventure continues, as the Infiniteers find themselves in a strangely familiar location: ...high school? That's weird. Well anyway, some crazy stuff happens and then they have to escape before the dread eats them.

As King Detritus regails the Janiteers with his tragic backstory, they make their way through the Jewel to enact a crazy plan with the help of Darwin and Darloft. Cookies.

The Janiteers find themselves in the big city after a plan is enacted to fix the Jewel once and for all. Get ready for thrills, chills, and abominations the likes of which have only ever been seen at...Snapapple's Traveling Menagerie and Soaring Circus!

With the city of Orrila suddenly under attack, the Janiteers take up arms to help those in need and fight the giant gross black monster in the sky.

In the aftermath of the attack, Jules deals with the losses while the gang heads off to find a mysterious artifact known as the Wish Engine. And sometimes for some reason the Wish Machine.

Jules comes to terms with who she is and her place in the multiverse while reuniting with old friends and figuring out what the heck is next for the Janiteers.

Back in Nowhere, the Janiteers grapple with just how much the place has changed in their absence, as they prepare to enter the Infinite Spark in an attempt to save...pretty much everything and everyone, everywhere forever. Part One of Two.

Join the Janiteers as they make their way into the depths of Nowhere to face a challenge unlike any before, as they attempt to reach The Infinite Spark. Part Two of Two.

Ready to go behind the bar in this optional episode and find out what everyone thought of Season 2's Numenera arc? What was with all those weird experiments? Did the "alien" future world actually feel alien? Was this ruleset any good? The answers to your burning questions will be answered and more in this Tales of Nowhere Happy Hour, because it's five o' clock somewhere!

The Janiteers (and special guests from Season 1) head into the Heart of Nowhere, and nobody is quite expecting what they find. Still, the journey to discover what happened to Thayne and stop the Screaming God Child has begunt!

The first mission begins as the gang heads deep into the woods to murder a bunch of owls for some reason. But did someone else get there first? And might their name rhyme with Basstoria?

Nightmares abound, both in the minds of Janiteers and in the world around them. But they seems to be making inroads as they discover an old "friend", and prepare for their journey deeper into the Heart.

The race to the center of the Heart continues as the Janiteers (and Issac) make their way into a mysterious cave full of wonder, memory, and some dude named Rattler.

The return of a friendly face (and friendly place) has Janiteers and Infiniteers alike a little on edge, as they continue their journey deeper into the Heart of the Spark.

We all remember where we were the first time we heard the tale of the Wiseman, don't we? The story stays with you, gives you hope, gives you strength. Yes, as you know, thanks to the Wiseman we one day will see the God Child to victory!

After escaping the Ever Cathedral and meeting up with an unexpected visitor, the Janiteers finally feel a spark of hope as they come up with...am I reading this right? A plan? Wow, I never thought that would actually happen.

The journey to the bottom of the Heart continues as the Janiteers face even greater foes and are forced to relive the past.