Why A Book?

We're diving into a YA classic, this week! Mary takes Renee through the rollercoaster that is the novel version of The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot, which bears minimal resemblance to its movie adaption. Key differences include: New York City, provoking foot fetishist stalkers, tattooed eyeliner, casual references to violence, a racially-motivated campaign against a family business, and a devastating lack of Joe. Join us for other highlights such as trying to figure out how principalities work, struggling to answer basic econ questions (despite having 2 economics degrees between the both of us), and singing that one song from Death Note the Musical.  Episode Source Material: The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot

It's that time of year when students rush to do their summer reading, so we are bringing y'all Hatchet by Gary Paulsen (yes, that book you read in 5th grade). Renee explains the disappointing plot of this book and along the way create fanfiction about the creation of Plenty of Fish. Mary teaches Renee that a billfold is not a money clip and Renee reveals how quickly she would die in the woods. If your type is a sad 30-something in the suburbs, this is the episode for you. Episode Material: Hatchet by Gary Paulsen

Mary finally reads a book, but at what cost? This week's book is Fairest by Gail Carson Levine, aka the Snow White AU nobody asked for and another contender for worst book on the podcast. Not only does the story make no sense and filled with weak world-building that basically amounts to just giving things weird names, it's also filled with terrible messages about body image and self esteem. Truly it's a miracle if you made it out of this book without a whole new set of insecurities. Highlights of the book include centaurs that are basically just horses, random singing (from us and the characters), and everything having a weird-ass name for no reason. Honestly, just go watch Shrek 2 instead.    Episode Source Material: Fairest by Gail Carson Levine

We enter the world of Rick Riordan, Renee's one time email penpal this week. The Red Pyramid is book one of The Kane Chronicles, a series best described as Egyptian AU The Alchemyst. Sadie and Carter Kane witness their dad get abducted by immortal Endeavor from My Hero Academia, deal with racist cops, and then have to save the world with their pet cat and a baboon who loves basketball. If you were an Anubis simp because of this book series, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Episode Source Material: The Red Pyramid by Rick Riordan

Back from a brief hiatus, Mary dives into the quintessential YA novel that is Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging. What it lacks in plot it makes up for in pure 90s British humor. Included is a surprising amount of black magic, a shocking amount of incest, and a pleasing amount of one-liners from a toddler. Other highlights include an ongoing lesbian crisis, an unhinged cat, and early Dalgona coffee preparation.  Episode Source Material: Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison

We are back with more (and better) Ally Carter! Renee takes Mary into her love of art heists with Heist Society which is essentially a crossover of Catch that Kid and Ocean's 11. This book follows a group of teen thieves who rack up quite the travel bills as they attempt to steal some art. Highlights of this episode include Haikyuu fanfiction, cockney slang trivia, and a horrible rendition of American Pie. Episode Source Material: Heist Society by Ally Carter

We have a new champion! This week, Mary dethrones Elsewhere as the worst book on the podcast with A Mango Shaped Space by Wendy Mass, a book with no plot, an unlikable protagonist, incorrect science, and a terrible message. Highlights of this episode include trying to remember the quadratic formula, finding out if the Hail Mary is exclusively Catholic, and becoming Goodreads fact-checkers. Episode Source Material: A Mango Shaped Space by Wendy Mass

This week is all about summer vibes and lackluster characters. Renee takes us through Jenny Han's soon to be TV adapted book The Summer I Turned Pretty. The story follows Belly (you read that right) as she navigates the world of teen love, and reminisces on the summers that have shaped her into the girl she now is. She also slut shames her best friend for trying to have a Hot Girl Summer. That's right, Jenny Han invented Hot Girl Summer. Other stand out moments include a stalker boy who is not portrayed as problematic and Mary teaches Renee some shocking news about Justin Timberlake. We finally have a book where the author knows what she's talking about when featuring Latin, but at what cost? Episode Source Material: The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han  

This week, Mary and Renee enter the wild world of bougie New England boarding schools (that might be cults). Reed Brennan escapes her small-town life and abusive household to learn how to gaslight, gatekeep, and girlboss her way to success. Her sights are set on the Billings Girls, the most powerful clique at Easton Academy and the source of Reed's bi panic. The other half of the panic is her new boyfriend Thomas, the most popular guy at Easton with a classic rich kid angsty background. Strap in for high school drama, a surprising amount of crime, and straight up witchy vibes. Source Material: Private by Kate Brian 

We cover our most infamous author yet when Renee revisits her Mortal Instruments obsession by covering City of Bones. This story about a totally normal girl who gets thrown into the world of demons and demon hunters starts off like someone misremembering Blue Bloods. We dive deep into this long story of decent world building, unrealistic dialogue, and Cassandra Clare's notoriety. Surprisingly no references are made to Nic Cage and no songs are sung, but it's still a fun time. Episode Source Materials: City of Bones by Cassandra Clare

Sometimes having premarital sex has consequences, like getting pregnant or dying in a fiery motorcycle accident the next day. This is what happens to Halley's best friend Scarlett (getting pregnant) and her boyfriend Michael (dying in a fiery motorcycle accident) just weeks before the start of their junior year. While Halley's trying to help Scarlett navigate the weird world of teen motherhood, she starts dating Michael's best friend Macon, a dangerous bad boy with a mysterious past and serious accountability issues. If you've ever wanted to read a Degrassi plot line in novel form, this is the book for you.  Mary wants to warn people that there is a Fullmetal Alchemist spoiler in this episode but Renee thinks that series is old enough for spoilers not to matter. Episode Source Material: Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen

Chimeras huh? This week, Renee goes through the plot of The Angel Experiment, the first book in James Patterson's Maximum Ride series. The book revolves around Max and her 5 friends who are 98% human, 2% bird, and 100% not good protagonists. Few things in this book make sense ranging from how ATMs work to the dumb scientists. Our tangents include Fullmetal Alchemist, My Hero Academia, Legend of Zelda, and Teen Wolf. We leave this episode asking the age old question: why a book? Episode Source Material: The Angel Experiment, James Patterson.

This episode is not for the unprepared. Mary and Renee dive into The City of Ember, and much like Lina and Doon, they end up somewhere unexpected by the end. Join us on a journey into an underground society that still hasn't figured out fire after 241 years but has functioning greenhouses. Our two child laborers/heroes have to discover the way out of their dying city before food runs out—but they have to contend with a selfish mayor and naive citizens along the way (not to mention solve the mystery that is a candle and decipher the meaning of the word “boat”). It's a journey that starts with an Attack on Titan OVA, through references to Wayward Pines and Doctor Who, and concludes in fanfiction.  Episode Source Materials: City of Ember by Jeanne DuPrau  Exploring by Team Turnip on Fanfiction.net

Renee is tired of lighthearted teen books, so she whips out a weird one for this week. 13 Days to Midnight tells the story of Jacob, a 15 year old who tragically witnesses his dad die and gains the power of invincibility in the process. With his friend Milo and the new manic pixie dream girl Ophelia, he starts finding ways to use this power. Things go terribly wrong. This book that is so obviously written by a man just includes a lot of death, a stupid teen relationship, and Harry Houdini. While discussing this book, Mary has horrible flashbacks to the Netflix adaptation of Death Note. Other shenanigans ensue but Renee can't remember them right now because it's 6 AM as she writes this. Listen to the episode to discover what antics we get up to this week! Episode source material: 13 Days to Midnight by Patrick Carman.

Tenth grade really is just /so/ crazy. Maddie's facing her driver's test (and getting used by the Queen Bee), Angela's going on bad dates (is 2 weeks the paper anniversary?), and Zoe's discovering religion (while getting groomed by her English teacher).  Mary takes Renee through the whirlwind instant message of Lauren Myracle's ttyl, although the true miracle was finishing the book at all—it's filled with horribly outdated slurs, bad takes on predatory relationships, and absolutely no character development. But it does have some funny reviews on Goodreads, and it brings back memories of Mary's good old days catfishing on instant messenger sites. Episode Source Material: ttyl by Lauren Myracle

A new foe has appeared. As Renee takes Mary through Ally Carter's I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You, our podcasters realize Nic Cage is not alone. The actual book revolves around Cammie, a spy in training who falls for a normal guy and then makes it her mission to try and date him. The episode revolves around two podcasters who are extremely sleep deprived and obsessed with Jujutsu Kaisen. By the end of the episode, we forget half of what we discussed in the first place. Episode Source Material: I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You by Ally Carter

The Tail of Emily Windsnap is the story of an itsy bitsy mermaid with an itsy bitsy tail and an itsy bitsy life. After she discovers she's a half mermaid, Emily dives into the world of mermaids and has a slew of increasingly shocking realizations: Her dad was a mermaid. Mermaids have schools. Mermaids have prisons. The mermaid king is married. While this book is lackluster, Mary makes a shocking discovery of her own on its Barnes and Noble page—the reviews are filled with Warrior Cats roleplay, personal ads, and rogue 3rd graders. Episode Source Material: The Tail of Emily Windsnap by Liz Kessler

What's scarier than a possessed doll? The amount of time Mary and Renee spend in this episode trying to pronounce the word gestalt. This week, Renee takes Mary through Bad Girls Don't Die by Katie Alender. This basic ghost story follows Alexis, an angsty girl who hates cheerleaders and most other things, and Kasey, her creepy, doll obsessed little sister. Despite inducing a nightmare for Renee, this book has little special going on in the plot. The true horror comes from Renee revealing her past as an anime fanfiction writer and Mary discovering we've been wrong about corsages this whole time. Episode Source: Alender, Katie. Bad Girls Don't Die. Hyperion Books, 2009. 

Are you prepared for the end of the world? Miranda's family faces the harsh realities of the apocalypse after a meteor hits the moon and shifts it closer to earth, causing a cascade of catastrophes across the world. Instead of going to prom, figure skating, and visiting colleges, she and her family are trapped in their home, rationing food, and trying to stay alive. Join Mary as she tries to avoid existential crisis as some scenes resemble parts of 2020 a little too closely. Warning: this book is sad.    Episode Source Material: Pferrer, Susan. Life as We Knew It. Scholastic, 2006.

Warning: Listening to this podcast may result in Nic Cage appearing. We're back with another quinceañera conspiracy as Renee takes Mary through The Alchemyst, book one of The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. This story sees 15 year old twins Sophie and Josh get thrown into the world of magic, immortality, and gods when they discover the kind bookstore owner is famous and supposedly dead 14th century alchemist, Nicholas Flamel. Thrown into a battle between good and evil, these teens find themselves meeting the stuff of legends and uncovering their own powers. Highlights of this episode include poor French accents and a conspiracy about Nic Cage. Episode Source Material: Scott, Michael. The Alchemyst. Delacorte Press, 2007.

No age gap and an abundance of consent? In a vampire novel? It's more likely than you'd think. 17-year-old Poppy is diagnosed with terminal cancer, her best friend James (the titular Secret Vampire) has a plan to save her. All they have to do is exchange a little blood, break several laws, and run away together. Unfortunately for them, Poppy's brother Phil, James's cousin Ash, and the rest of the Night World aren't going to make it easy for them. Join Mary as she leads Renee into a world of unsupervised teenagers, black flowers (which may or may not be funeral flowers), and road trips to Vegas. Episode Source Materials: Smith, L. J. Night World 1. Secret Vampire / Daughters of Darkness / Spellbinder. Simon Pulse, 2008.

Renee departs from her usual fantasy books to bring us Audition by Stasia Ward Kehoe. To help her explain this toxic dance tale to Mary, their friend Gabi joins the call. Audition tells the story of small town Vermonter, Sara, who moves to the hustle and bustle of suburban New Jersey after winning a scholarship to dance at the Jersey Ballet. This *16-year-old* girl falls apart as she grapples with her relationships with dance and a *22-year-old* dancer named Remington. As Sara deals with the emotional and physical pains of dancing, growing up, and being groomed and gaslighted by an adult, our podcasters dive deep into hand kinks, Barbie in the Nutcracker, and the mysterious blue mountains. Don't prey on teenagers, y'all. CW: eating disorders Episode source materials: Ward Kehoe, Stasia. Audition. Penguin Group (Australia), 2012.

Liz Hall's life was cut short, but her afterlife feels like it goes on forever. Try to find any shred of plot as Mary explains what happens after you die in Gabrielle Zevin's, Elsewhere. Liz ages backwards from 15, has a big angst party about it, dates a 35 year old man (which is fine because he only looks 17), and accomplishes exactly 2 things before getting sent back to Earth as a newborn baby. Wear a bike helmet, kids. Episode Source Material: Zevin, Gabrielle. Elsewhere. Douglas & McIntyre, 2005. 

Renee is back with her questionable fallen angel content this week as she takes Mary through Blue Bloods by Melissa de la Cruz. This book of nothing but exposition follows Schuyler van Alen, your average 15 year old weird yet pretty social outcast, as she finds herself entering the world of New York's rich and immortal. That's right, she's part of an elite group of vampires. As she learns about her true identity, she finds herself dragged into a murder conspiracy by a cute boy who happens to have a very clingy and jealous twin sister. Join us on this journey that includes ancient IVF procedures, a dermatologist moonlighting as a therapist, and a historically inaccurate retelling of Roanoke. How does this relate to fallen angels? You'll wish you never asked that question by the end. Episode Source Material: De la Cruz, Melissa. Blue Boods. Hyperion, 2006.

Life's rough when you're a 5'2” left-handed redhead with upper middle class parents and all you want to do is fight the system. Join Mary as she walks Renee through the sea of awkward encounters and teenage angst that is Sam Madison's life. She goes from loser art kid to national hero after she saves the president from an assassination. Follow along as she refuses to wear anything but black, refuses to eat anything but hamburgers, and refuses to examine anything in her personal life.  Episode Source Material: Cabot, Meg. All American Girl. Macmillan Children's, 2002. 

Every great podcast has its chaotic first episode, and this is ours. Renee talks Mary through the plot of Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick. In this 2009 novel, high schooler Nora finds herself falling in love with a mysterious boy who knows a thing or two about falling himself. This novel features a scarf that has haunted Renee's thoughts for over a decade, sexy taco night, multiple murder attempts, and a red light district JC Penny. Episode Source Material: Fitzpatrick, Becca. Hush, Hush. Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers, 2009.