VERSUS with Malachi, John, and Drew

The sun is hot, the speed of light is a fixed constant, and VERSUS is funny. There are certain things in this universe that are immutable laws, which cannot be broken. If you're not a fan of this concept, hey, don't get mad at us, pal! Take it up with God! (The right one, you know which.)On this week's immutable force of nature: the team performs at Grovel-fest 2023, gets obscure with the clues, and has a scientific breakthrough that leads to one of our contestants' deaths! (Shocking!)VERSUS: Is This Thing Still On?™Show notes and credits

Sailing through the ether like some ether on a rag to your nose—it's another episode of VERSUS and it's here to knock you unconscious! Taste sounds. See smells. Go ahead, feel a color or two. The contents of this here rag don't judge you or follow the rules of this universe, baby.On this week's trip to the dentist: round 1 explodes into a ball of flames, round 2 crashes into the fertile earth, and round 3 magically heals itself like some magic from a wizard's magic hand-stick thing.VERSUS: I Think I Lost My Glasses No Wait I Found Them Sorry Never Mind™Show notes and credits

Switch that signal and gently caress that third rail, because VERSUS is back on the tracks and chugging into Grand Central Stupid. We can carry as many passengers as you can throw at us AND we've got a bar car. Every car is a bar car. There are no seats. Chaos reigns.On this week's crazy train: the fellas go on a road trip of iMaGiNAtiON, explore both sides of the same coin, and BBQ a ball of mystery meat.VERSUS: Huh?!?™Show notes and credits

Well gaba my entire gool because here comes another episode of VERSUS crashing through the gates of the estate and charging for the guest house. It's running. It's jumping. It's dodging security. It's making a damn fool of itself if you ask me, but I was never one to judge too harshly. Fly my little baby podcast. Fly into the arms of the forever...On this week's unintelligible pile of muck-muck: FMK turns to FMNo-way, the boys finally start to make cents, and ultimately STRIP away the layers and experience a whittle self-awareness.VERSUS: Like a Hot Meal On a Cold, Wet Day™Show notes and credits

Due to recent allegations against the podcast, we find it necessary to take a moment here and use this space to make it clear that the podcast VERSUS and everyone associated therewith DO NOT CONDONE arson of any kind. Even though burning stuff with fire seems like it would be really cool and fun, it is not a forbidden delight that any of us partake of, in, or thereupon. Arson is a crime, and we take crime very seriously. >:(On this week's serious crime of a podcast: the gang makes a few honey-do lists for their honeys, excuse themselves, and spin one another right round, baby right round, like a . . . well, you know the rest.VERSUS: We Have, the Laughs™Show notes and credits

Hot diggity dog it's another scorcher of an episode of VERSUS coming down the meat pipe to satisfy your most carnivorous of fantasies—comedically speaking that is!For this week's overprocessed junk chunks in a bun: the fellas confront a riddle more dastardly than any sphinx dare devise, are supplied with the beginning and the end, and work their ways to woo a womance.VERSUS: All For One, and One For All™Show notes and credits

"Hands up! Put your hands on the wall! Spread your legs! You got any VERSUS on you?! Huh?! Do ya scumbag? You look like the kinda trash that'd be filthy with VERSUS. Yeeeeeeah you're grinning from ear to ear and I can practically smell it on you. Get in the Cybertruck™ VERScum, you're going to Cyberprison™!!!"This is our future if we don't spread the good word of VERSUS far and wide. You don't want this on your hands, trust us. We went into the future and you told us you didn't want it on your hands. So do your future and current selves a favor and shout the VERScripture from the VERSmountaintops baby!On this week's dystopian hellscape: the boys get cartographic, fill up their glasses (but not too much), and pay their respects to a visible dead body.VERSUS: How Much You Want For That Rare, Beautiful Fruit?™Show notes and credits

Did you know that nearly 40,000 Americans died in car crashes in 2020 alone? That's nuts. If you're texting and driving then cut that sh*t out. If you're reading this while you're driving then we're personally upset with you. Please be good out there, we care about your safety!Here is a description of this week's episode for you to read while you are NOT DRIVING A CAR: in act 1 the gang gets all tripped up in the tongue; in act 2 they unfix the quite fixable; and in act 3 they perfectly recreate the unique vibes of the Greatest City in the World through the magic of audio theater.VERSUS: Fall Into the Gap™Show notes and credits

Whoever said three is company and four is a crowd must have been a friendless jerk, because the VERSUS gang has yet again been graced by a fourth angelic presence and it wasn't crowded at all! We were quite comfortable!This week, the fellas are joined by the inimitable Rory Scholl as they tumble through a tumbler of brain-challenging and mind-altering games such as: guessing whose favorite thing a thing is, producing a big-budget superhero flick, and performing illegal medical procedures of the mind!!!VERSUS: It's Like a Whodunit, but They All Whodidit!™---Check out more of Rory's stories!Whoa, Rory is a published author!Q.E.D. Astoria's Two-Prov Tournament coming up at the end of October '22!---Show notes and credits

ADVENTURE! ROMANCE! POISONOUS PLANTS AND ANIMALS!The world is full of exciting stuff, and you better believe VERSUS counts itself among the ranks of excitingest. Most exciting. Phenomenal. Faaaaaaaaantastic!On this week's jolt of joy de vivre: the contestants grovel at the feet of the Game Master, are kind in the manner of Blockbuster, and behave like good little Catholics.VERSUS: It's a Thing, to Enjoy!™Show notes and credits

Once again, the gang from VERSUS rises like the morning sun to cast light upon the dark, cold corners of the planet Earth—bringing warmth, contentment, and the very definition of beauty to the masses simply because they can. How do they achieve such celestial splendor by way of a stupid podcast where three dudes yell at each other? Well, partner, that there's a mystery I wouldn't care to solve even if I could. Let's just take a moment to bask in the glow while the glow's still here...On this the WOWEE DID HE SAY THIRTIETH?? episode of VERSUS: our contestants trade blows in a battle of short-term memory, improvise effortlessly off of one another like only two pros can, and pitch a product so good it could stop the heart of a Shark Tank Shark.VERSUS: I Love Ya, Honey, I Love Ya!™Show notes and credits

Listen y'all: It's late, I've gotta go to bed, and I'm just plain out of juice. Can we pretend like I wrote something funny for the descriptive copy this week? Can we just envision a world in which I didn't entirely phone it in, and sat down to write something clever and worth your time? That would be super helpful for me. I promise to do better next week—for reals. Thanks, and I love you.On this week's spectacular carousel of wonders: the fellas guess numbers, create the greatest movie ever, and hear a soft little voice that probably isn't a result of a brain injury.VERSUS: It's What's For Dinner™Show notes and credits

Awwwww lordy, it's happened again! Like snow tumbling down a mountain, VERSUS is picking up steam, gaining traction, and growing to a size so massive that it will easily destroy the small village at the end of its path. Nobody is safe, because this juggernaut of improvised comedy is about to crash through buildings with no regard for whether said building is the local orphanage, which the VERSUS snowball is currently headed straight for.On this week's natural disaster: the Therrible Three make loud noises that almost certainly interrupted the open mic happening above their recording studio, tempt the delicious fates, and visit the local gastrotisserie.VERSUS: Combat Sequence Initiated™Show notes and credits

After a big old four-week stretch of the gams, the VERSUS gang is back from summer hiatus to bring you more unscripted comedy that the FDA has proudly labeled the first non-food/non-drug item deemed unfit for human consumption!This week, the sailors find their sea legs once again by disagreeing with one another, getting groovy with astrology, and experiencing a drive-by neighboring.VERSUS: Because It Feels Good, Dang It!™Show notes and credit

You put the lime in the coconut? The whole thing? The ENTIRE lime? IN the coconut? I'm just not following man. Look, this all sounds incredibly groovy and I'm with you one-hundred percent, I just need to understand...IN the coconut?Speaking of confusing instructions, this week Game Master Drew made the fellas: apologize for their tardiness, speak the subtext, and relive the horrors of previous employment.VERSUS: You Can't Hold a Candle to It, Because You Have No Idea What That Means™Show notes and credits

This week, we're going to try something new. We're pivoting to salads. Starting off with a trio of classic Caesar, a nice watermelon/mint/feta salad for the summer, and one with like roasted squash and arugula or whatever, probably like some pepitas that sounds good. I dunno man, podcasting is hard, we're feeling like salads might be more interesting to people. Sound off in the comments if you agree.On this week's delicious mix: kind words, supercomputer-ly generated words, and words from THE FUTURE.VERSUS: If You Ain't Bleedin', You Ain't Wipin'™Show notes and credits

Hilarious episode description TKShow notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

As the boys from VERSUS ramp up for an epic summer vacation, their whole world falls apart when the local skating rink suffers a devastating rat infestation. The bills are piling up and the skating rink is on the brink...of bankruptcy! Will our heroes be able to save their precious summer hangout by launching a  bikini-car-wash fundraiser? Not with these bodies! That's why they've recruited Eric "the Comedian Who Has Killed the Most Rats" Schmidt and his beloved Jack Russel terrier sidekick Bonewish to help dismember the rodents and also because everybody knows that dogs are a total chick magnet, bro. We are SO getting laid! (I know, I know, but just dream with us here, people.) On this week's feel-good summer blockbuster: the gang gets to know each other better, reenacts their favorite childhood sitcoms, and creates a nature documentary so good that it'll finally put that David Attenborough jerk in the ground WHERE HE BELONGS.VERSUS: Samantha-Rebecca Robinson Was Totally Just Checking You Out, Bro!™ CHECK OUT SCHMIDT'S SH*TTalking SchmidtApple Podcasts / SpotifyTwitter: @TalkingSchmidtGood For You ComedyFacebookTwitter: @GoodForYouNYCShow notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

It's the year 2022. A human being sits hunched over a mechanical computer keyboard, feverishly typing. He's trying to keep his right knee extended. He asked too much of it when he rode his bike from Manhattan to Queens to record his podcast last weekend—it's healing fine, but slowly. He sighs deeply. He's not a young man anymore. He feels young of mind, spry of body, but he can feel the slow tendrils of time beginning to take hold, wrapping around the knee, harder to shake off.His computer screen reads: On this week's metatastic metacast, the gang from VERSUS is suspended indefinitely in time and space inside of a 21-minute, 11-second bubble of comedy in which they can be heard making alphabetic taxonomies, getting a lesson from Malachi about how to act in a real Hollywood audition, and ruling with an iron foot.VERSUS: It's VERSUS: It's VERSUS: It's VERSUS: It's VERSUS...™Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

Heaven is a house on a lake on a warm day where your only care in the world is looking after the ones you love. Unfortunately, in the real world, lakefront property is extremely expensive and our loved ones all left us because we kept putting "air quotes" around "everything." Thank the Deity for squatters' rights though, amiright? Just a few more months without the Feds finding me and I'm gonna squat my way into my own little slice of heaven...On the lam this week: the fellas draw a blank, are just the absolute worst, and hold out a thumb for the Acid Lord Kronos!VERSUS: One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People Lovers (Call Me)™Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

You ever wait until the very last second to edit your podcast? Are you ever uploading files and feverishly writing descriptive copy mere hours before a new episode of your podcast is due to release? No? Is this not relatable? My bad!This week's exercise in procrastination is exceedingly special as the inimitable Skulk, the Hulking joins the VERSUS gang as the show's first guest! On this episode, our human quatrain gets in trouble, then gets literary, and then gets trashy!VERSUS: I Get Something-Something-Something with a Little Help from My Friends™CHECK OUT SKULK'S SH*T!SKULK STREAMS! (Twitch: twitch.tv/skulkers)SKULK TWEETS! (Twitter: @SkulkTheHulking)SKULK SCREAMS! (Search "Skulk, the Hulking" on Spotify! The link they provide is way too ridiculous!)Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

Everybody knows the well-known phrase "VERSUS is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you're gonna get." The first time we heard this was, of course, in the movie Forrest Gump, which begs the question: how did a nearly 30-year-old movie predict not just a podcast that wouldn't release its first episode until 2022, but predict all of podcasting in general? Does this make VERSUS the most important podcast ever created, or was this just some fluke in space-time? Did he actually say "chocolates"? Is that why we're getting confused? "Life is like a box of chocolates"...? No, couldn't have been. He said VERSUS. Thank you, Tom Hanks—you're a national treasure...just like the podcast VERSUS!Awaiting within this week's container of confections: words within limits, bars jam-packed with zany characters, and a deep-dive into the thrilling world of organized crime.VERSUS: But You Ain't Got No Podcasts, Lieutenant Dan (Because It's 1994, and They Haven't Been Invented Yet)™Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

Shocking! Horrifying! Out-of-this-world! Adjectives!These are all words that have been used to describe VERSUS. Also "kinda gross sometimes" and "couldn't you guys just swear a little less?" Which...are fair. Fair criticisms.On this week's group-therapy session: the gang randomly explores different rungs of the gentry classes, meets a few Mister What's-Her-Names with the Whadyacalls, and bickers beyond the grave.VERSUS: It's Somehow Dirtier than a Toilet Bowl™Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

Mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. A kid'll eat ivy too—wouldn't you? Well, you definitely shouldn't, because that'd almost certainly poison you! What would you do without us? You'd get poisoned! We've got all the answers today.Coming out of the stomach pump this week: the gang gets sartorial (m'lady), receives a mysterious phone call, and goes to court (they're all guilty, but that's unrelated).VERSUS: It'll Cure What Ails Ya! (If You Suffer from Lack of Podcast)™Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

A shaft of light breaks through the ceiling and cuts the darkness below. A sturdy cord unravels through the hole and slaps against the floor of the chamber. A handsome archeologist repels down the rope; dust kicks up from the ground as his boots make contact. He kneels down and grasps a nearby relic, brings it into the shaft of light. He wipes months, years, decades of dust off of the front of the relic—it's a tape recorder with chunky buttons. Carved onto the front, in Ancient American English, are the words:VERSUS: THE LOST EPISODES. BIG-TIME CURSED. DO NOT PLAY.He pushes the play button...

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. No, you're not doing...here try it now. Now pick a card. NO! You're doing it wrong. Pick a card! Is it the 2 of clubs? MAGIC BABY! See? It's tough to pull off magic through a podcast. But how, oh how, do the fellas at VERSUS continue to do it week after week after week?! Watch and learn, slick. On this week's arcane romp: the gang hones their animal instincts, builds a crumbling tower with words, and creates some wholesome daytime programming.VERSUS: It's Like If Your Best Friend...Was a Podcast™Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

Dearest Listener,It has been ninety-and-one days since we embarked West on our podcasting journey. Mama has grown quiet of late and all Papa does anymore is stare one thousand yards ahead of himself and drive the caravan forward, his knuckles white for gripping the reins. Grandpa has dysentery.  It is gross. We used to be a family, but I fear this journey will tear us asunder. We passed another gaggle of roving podcasters looking for work. And a gaggle they were, despite the fact that they were but three in number, as they made as much noise as a small army between them. They attempted to entertain us with their unscripted flights of fancy—playing scenes in their reverse order, telling half-truths mixed with the most precious veritas, and pretending to be long-lost chums—but Papa drove them away, sure that they would soon ask us for food or money despite their assurances that they were merely "in it for the chuckles." It was the one reprieve we have seen that has broken up the monotony of this flat landscape. Now, all we do is press onward, our wagon wheels slowly turning in the dust...Wistfully,Betty-Joe-Mae-Ashley AndersonVERSUS: There's Gold in Them Thar Ad Partnerships™Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

Do you know why they call New York the Greatest City in the World? It certainly isn't because of its highly segregated public education system! It's for two reasons:1) You can just throw your garbage anywhere you want!and2) It's where the popular podcast VERSUS is recorded!Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. If you fall for that sort of trick then I've got a bridge to sell you. (It's the Brooklyn Bridge, and I can't let it go for anything less than $18 or my boss will kill me!)This week, our little Statues of Liberty are forced to justify some fateful choices, experience the wonders of time travel, and attend a SPOOK-tacular party!VERSUS: Can Anybody Else Hear That Buzzing Sound? No? It's Just Me?™Show notes and credits: https://tinyurl.com/rbzptuak

Rise and grind, fellow Influencers, it's time to start the day! Blast a kale smoothie, hit some cardio, and pump that new episode of VERSUS straight into your veins along with the blood of a fresh young child. NO DAYS OFF! YOU MAKE TIKTOKS UNTIL YOU DIE!On this week's episode, the fellas attempt to spell words, translate the arcane mysteries of the internet, and punt a great shot into the goal-net.VERSUS: Finally, a Podcast You Can Listen To On Your Phone!™

There comes a time in every person's life where they must ask a question: why? Then they might ask it again: why? The "whys" progress relentlessly until the person who is being questioned is reduced to a simple "I don't know" or perhaps a "That must just be how the gods want it to be." Yes, there comes a time in every person's life when they do this. Usually when they're an annoying little kid. Shut up, kid.On the show this week, our obnoxious little kiddies practice their ABCs, reveal horrible truths about one another, and get mixed up in the raucous Greek campus lifestyle.VERSUS: Skidamarink a-Dink a-Dink, Skidamarink a-Don't™

Not gonna lie, sometimes it's tough to come up with some zany horse hockey to write up for the episode description every week. But this is our tenth episode, which feels like an important milestone, so maybe we'll do something special to celebrate! Uuuuuuuuuuuh hmm wait okay here I go here's a good one uuuuuuuuuh wait just had it hold on uuuuuuuuuuHHHHHHHUHUHUHUHUH...On this episode: the gang gets inquisitive, then they get tight-lipped, then John quits the podcast and decides to fulfill his childhood dream of running for office.VERSUS: Wherefore Art Thou Podcasteo?™

Get those cottontails coiffed and burrow down into your favorite burrows, because here comes another one hopping down the bunny trail for your long, floppy ears. Another episode of VERSUS for all you frisky critters!On this week's episode, Malachi tries his very best to get John canceled, the boys touch each other's sweaty backs, and the gang plumbs the disgusting depths of consumerism.VERSUS: It's Like a Library, but If the Information Was All Wrong™

Herding cats. That's what we're doing here, folks. Every week, Game Master Drew is locked in an impossible challenge—to keep John and Malachi on topic long enough so that they can do a fake game show. Sometimes we fail. This is their story...On this week's episode, the fellas discuss a range of topics including the little-known and underdiscussed COVID-19 pandemic, bad employment, wishing for more wishes, and Malachi's uuuuuuuuuuuHHHHHHHHHHHHH let's say "controversial" new idea in the name of equality.

Holy smokes, it's another episode of VERSUS. How do we keep doing this? WHY do we keep doing this? I can assure you that it has nothing to do with a midlife crisis. We're all doing great, and our careers are flourishing!Freshly cultivated from this week's sound garden: the fellas get inquisitive, spin the most captivating of yarns, and OH MY GOD HE'S GOT A GUN!VERSUS: Were You Gonna Finish the Rest of That Meatball Sub?™

Listen. We don't answer to you alright? You're not our mommies, nor are you our legal guardians—and even if you were what then huh? If anybody deserves to be grounded it's John! Ground him!!For this week's ear-bliss we've got some good ol' fashioned triv-triv, a movie you probably will want to not see or at least wait until it's streaming so you can watch it at home, and we learn a little bit more about how the boys at VERSUS like to get down with the dirt-clown if you know what I'm saying. You don't? Probably for the best.

Slice me off a big piece of that silly pie because VERSUS is back and it's just as dumb as the last time, if not dumber! How do we cram so much dumb into such short, perfectly portioned episodes? Frankly, we have no idea! It's just as alarming to us!! :(This time around, we're sending one up for the kids, delving into the dark world of celebrity deaths, and the boys get BIBLICAL (the Old Testament, specifically).VERSUS: Now with Even More Dumb!™

Comfort. Luxury. Yacht. Crystal-blue water. Silver cutlery. Morsels. Engorgement.These are some words that I typed out just now. You too can play along with the fellas from VERSUS in your own home, free-associating and bebopping your way across this particular expanse of space-time. The solar system is literally a spaceship bro. Look it up online. I'm sick of having to explain everything.On this week's episode, the gang puts a "unique" spin on a "classic" improv game, drills deep into the core of Johnny, and UUUUUUUM can I please speak with your manager??(DISCLAIMER: Don't actually ingest horse medicine! There's already medicine they make specifically for people!)

The VERSUS gang is back with another saga for your earholes. This episode is bookended with murder so we may pivot to true crime after this. True crime seems like a much more popular genre than improv comedy. Why would we do improv? Why would anybody? It was created as a tool for theater but was co-opted by some of the most annoying people on the planet who are really bad at it, and now it's rightfully maligned by everyone in the comedy industry. (Not us though! We're different!)

This week on VERSUS, the gang confronts a lot of harsh truths about the realities of being a celebrity (we are, after all, experts on this topic). Malachi makes things harder for John than they need to be, the boys find gainful employment at a unique manufacturing facility, and are tortured by the BELLS BELLS BELLS! All of this, and more (but honestly not that much more), on VERSUS with Malachi, John, and Drew!

In the inaugural episode of VERSUS, our heroes embark on a quest to explore the deeper realms of comedy but encounter the very real danger that they'll contract lung infections from the black mold lurking in the walls of the dank Queens basement in which they record.Will the gang get sued by M. Night Shyamalan? Will John and Malachi use the exact schematic of the prison complex that's tattooed on John's back to escape their cells? Does a kaiju have a cloaca? Find out the answer to almost none of these questions on the first episode of VERSUS with Malachi, John, and Drew!