The Hard Drive Podcast

Hard Drive and Hard Times editors sit down to read and rewrite the news. Check out our first episode and consider subscribing to the show on the official show channel!

Mark and Jeremy are back to present a terrific audio story by Hard Drive editor Andy Holt titled Three Days in Hell: The E3 Diaries, originally written in June 2019. If you enjoy Hard Drive, you will definitely love Andy's satirical Hunter S. Thompson style journey through one of video games' largest trade events, complete with original music by Cory McConnell. You may also enjoy Mark and Jeremy riffing in the beginning on their idea for a podcast where they decide if movies really happened or not, but no promises there

Mark and Jeremy watch the 1993 Super Mario Bros film and they end the podcast. Truly truly truly thank you to everyone who has listened to this podcast over the last 2+ years. It has been an incredible blast and a journey. Let's make sure this isn't "goodbye forever." 

After more than two years, Mark and Jeremy have decide to call it a pretty good day on The Hard Drive Podcast. Listen to this episode to hear them eulogize the podcast, riff on the word "penultimate," and get incredibly sidetracked for the second-to-last time. Next week, we're watching the 1992 Super Mario Bros movie! And then? Only time will tell... To the bridge!

The thrilling conclusion to Mark and Jeremy's modern reboot of Captain N: The Game Master. Can Kevin murder Mega Man and steal back Princess Lana's love? Can Mother Brain secure the three boxes that contain her stuff? Can Jeremy get through reading in King Hippo's voice without destroying his vocal chords? 

Jeremy got that vaccine fever (horny for vaccines) for a few days, so we decided to take a week off, in fear that an extra loopy episode could turn our upcoming Part 3 into a 4-Parter. Woof. So here's an oldie from the Captain N days!  Pat from Castle Super Beast joins the podcast to talk about how goddamn fucked up Captain N: The Game Master is! Simon Belmont shoots himself in the ass with a love arrow, accidentally forcing him to fall in love with Mother Brain. Meanwhile, Mega Man and Kid Icarus meet another deeply fucked up cow. But most importantly, the gang fights, for about 5 seconds, Mr. Bones — a cool 80s skeleton man wearing a skeleton shirt. Mr. Bones fuckin rules, you guys. You're gonna love Mr. Bones.

Mark and Jeremy sit down to write the script for a dark, gritty reboot of Captain N: The Game Master. 30 years after leaving his childhood bedroom to enter Video Land, a depressed 46-year-old Kevin Keene still lives there. Can he win back Princess Lana's love? Or does she have eyes for Diddy Kong?

Mark and Jeremy sit down to write an outline for a dark, gritty reboot of Captain N: The Game Master. 30 years after leaving his childhood bedroom to enter Video Land, a depressed 46-year-old Kevin Keene still lives there. 

Mark and Jeremy play SKI SNIPER, a game where you just murder skiers in cold blood from afar with a sniper rifle. The game has absolutely no lore, so the boys are quick to fill in the blanks, discovering that the sniper is upset about all these skiers fucking his wife. By the end of the episode... well, let's just say this sniper's wife isn't gonna be so satisfied.

Mark an d Jeremy discuss an episode of The Adventures of Super Mario Bros 3 in which Princess Toadstool challenges King Koopa to a presidential election! Koopa has to cheat using a nice guy potion, we meet Koopa's son Kooky von Koopa, and Mark and Jeremy break down the trailer for direct-to-dvd film Mafia Doctor.

Mark and Jeremy watch and chat over an incredibly formative movie for both of them: 1. Oh sorry, I mean Wayne's World. Mark and Jeremy are so in tune with the Wayne's World series they just call it "1" and "2". They have a lot of (smart) opinions and fun facts they've picked up from years of rewatching this fun little romp.

Mark and Jeremy check out the 1983 arcade-based cartoon TV show, Saturday Supercade! A weird southern Mario is trying to get Donkey Kong, who mostly just says his name really slowly like a Pokemon on tranquilizers. Meanwhile, some southern belle wants to fuck Donkey Kong and there's some emerald everyone's trying to steal like it's a fuckin Sonic game.

Mark and Jeremy write an entire episode of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show from scratch! Mario and the gang heads to the futuristic and rainy city of BLADE PLUMBER. Is Toad secretly a robot? Will Dr. Eldon Reptyrell take over the world? And who is the mysterious Dick Record?? Read along with the script here: thehardtimes.net/harddrive/blade-plumber/

Mark and Jeremy watch some advertisements from the 80s and 90s for weird Mario-related shit and also go on a really long tangent about an insane video game in which you snipe ski jumpers called Ski Sniper.

Mark and Jeremy are joined by Mr. Boop himself, Alec Robbins! Alec and Mark go way back and spend some time catching up before Alec leads the boys on a crash course through the wacky world of Archie Comics' Sonic the Hedgehog books as well some of the more notable characters involved. Somewhere near the end of the show, everyone remembers why they got together, and an incredibly horny episode of the Mario 3 cartoon is discussed.

Mark and Jeremy are joined by Jeremy's other co-host Kris Casey as they promote the launch of their new oddity based podcast, Deep Dive in the Shallow End. Today's crossover episode focuses on Polybius, the alleged government developed game that proved addictive and MAYBE a one-way ticket to a tour of duty in an intergalactic war if you were good enough at it. Along the way, the boys stumble upon an even more riveting urban legend, about a boy who had one too many cokes and shit his pants playing Asteroids. Check out Deep Dive in the Shallow End every Saturday! deepdiveshallowend.libsyn.com

Today's episode finds Mark and Jeremy tackling several miscellaneous bits of business, including some much awaited clips from a infamously awkward podcast appearance the boys made, the recent discovery of an archive of Canadian reviews, and Jeremy's recent controversial sit down interview with silver screen legend Harrison Ford.  

Mark and Jeremy bring in the new year with a loose silly episode imagining what the Nintendo World theme park would be like if it was about was 1989's The Super Mario Bros Super Show. Straightforward episode this week! Just fun goofs about our friends Mario, Luigi, Princess, Toad, Koopa, and their daddy Shigeru Miyamoto.

It's time for Twitch Plays Hard Drive! With the very friendly help of our chat, we wrote a whole new Hard Drive article from start to finish and it's funny as hell.

Mark and Jeremy watch a new episode of The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3! It's this whole bullshit about a mummy thinking Mario is its baby or something. It makes no sense and the boys love it, especially this non-Lou Albano version of Mario that is the character at his absolute oldest and grumpiest. Toad kills it too. Love that fucker.

In an effort to streamline the writing of new Mario and Zelda cartoons, Mark and Jeremy enlist the help of AI Dungeon to help them author some new adventures. There are highs and lows, to say the least. Highs — Mark and Jeremy get all the characters in Mario and Zelda to smooch. Lows — uh, you're gonna just have to listen. I don't want to say it here. This was a lot of fun and there's no way we ever do it again.

Mark and Jeremy get together for a shorter than usual episode to discuss thanksgiving, parades, the free Cameo service they offer, and several oddly specific podcasts, both real and fake.

Mark and Jeremy write and perform an original episode of 1989's The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! that parodies the 2004 Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ - a movie that neither of them ever cares to actually see. They write the entire episode live on the podcast with no ideas beforehand! Head to ... if you want to read along with the script while listening.

Groovy! Mark and Jeremy chat over one of their favorite movies ever, Evil Dead II! They talk horror movies, scary films, and motion pictures within the "horror" genre. It's a real fun one, and I recommend listening alongside Evil Dead II, if anything just because it's been a while and you should watch it again, right?

Chloe Dykstra joins the podcast to watch an incredibly timely episode of The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 featuring George HW and Barbara Bush! Mario wears a frog suit and there's a whole insane frog song. Some other stuff happens too, but we end up going on some really long tangents to discover more lore about Bob Forward, Patrick Dempsey, and mysterious staircases in the woods.

It's a mailbag episode! Mark and Jeremy field questions from listeners, discuss how far is too far in satire, what their favorite Nicolas Cage movies are, do some Fuck/Marry/Kills, and a whole lot more.

Mark and Jeremy sit down to pen the great American screenplay... a live action segment of 1989's The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! in which Mario and Luigi meet a really bad parody of Mad Max! I can't imagine you're awfully surprised by this, but things get silly! There's a lot of terrible Australian lingo and Luigi finds himself once again covered in blood.

WARNING: NOAM CHOMSKY DOES NOT APPEAR IN THIS EPISODE. Hey paisanos! Mark and Jeremy embark on a quest to, every now and then, watch an episode of 1990's The Adventures of Mario 3 and this is episode one! Mario and Luigi have been replaced by similar-sounding clones, koopa's got kids now, and there's a sad parrot who just wants to live in a cage.

Andy Holt and Kevin Flynn join the podcast to help write a brand new Hard Drive article live on Twitch with the help of viewers! The resulting piece is, no surprise, very stupid and funny and filmed with goofy characters from out of left field. Finally, proof that Hard Drive articles are best written by committee! 

Boo! It's officially October and that means it's officially Halloween. College Humor's Josh Ruben and Brendan H. Banks joined us to talk about their new comedy/horror movie, Scare Me, that went to Sundance and is now out on Shudder!

Holy podcasting, paisanos! Mark and Jeremy perform a live commentary of the 1966 Batman film, a movie that they both unironically love very much. Somehow, however, they managed to to record this episode right when YouTube shut down for a while, causing some confusion in the middle. Luckily, you don't really need to watch along with them if you don't want to — this episode is mostly just a fun discussion of why the '60s Batman just absolutely fuckin rules.

Hard Drive editors Mark and Jeremy write and perform an original episode of 1989's The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! in which Mario and his friends head to Hyrule Kingdom and run into Link and Zelda! The entirety of the script was written live on the podcast with no ideas beforehand and it gets incredibly silly. Head to thehardtimes.net/harddrive/a-sausage-link-to-the-past/ if you want to read along with the script while listening!

In the inaugural episode of The Hard Drive Podcast, Hard Drive editors Mark Roebuck, Jeremy Kaplowitz, Andy Holt, and Kevin Flynn discuss the ins and outs of being the most ethical video game website on the planet, getting doxxed at E3, and why a combination of Waluigi's penis and 9/11 inexplicably changed their website for the better.

On the season one finale of Captain N, it's Mega Man's birthday so everybody gets him some junk they have lying around, except Dr. Wright, who makes Mega Man a whole girlfriend to have. It's fucked up. Like enough already. Mark and Jeremy don't want to watch this crap anymore, so tune in next week in this very same space for the first week of The Hard Drive Podcast (starring Mark and Jeremy). No joke, stick through to the end of the pod for some thoughts and details about what's to come!

In one of the show's most disturbing episodes to date, Mother Brain tricks Captain N and his team into thinking that they murdered her (and they celebrate it), Kevin holds a gun to Eggplant Wizard's head (who pleads for his life and shows a picture of his wife and two kids), Simon keeps hitting on Princess Lana (who keeps saying no), and Mark and Jeremy go on an extended riff about the times they've broken their keys.

Mark and Jeremy's war of (redacted) words continues on the Captain N Wiki page, in a saga that has grown too sprawling to be contained by a single podcast. Once everyone settles down, this is a weird episode of Captain N, with no Eggplant Wizard or Mother Brain in sight. What we do get is bizarro versions of everyone, stolen Monty Python bits, and a totally sick and twisted world where everything is opposite, meaning people wear their clothes dirty and otherwise act pretty normal.  

Arin from Game Grumps joins the podcast this week to watch the most perverted and disgusting Captain N episode yet. What could have been a very innocent tale of Simon Belmont bonking his head whilst skateboarding and forgetting who he was becomes a twisted tale of severed body parts, giant bugs, asses that refuse to quit, and more than a little interspecies intimacy. Also it's full of chiseled butts.

Struggle Session's Leslie Lee III joins the podcast for this episode of Captain N that features exactly zero references to Freddy Kreuger. Mother Brain puts Princess Lana into a deep sleep by tricking her to eat a poison apple on account of her being too pretty, prompting Simon and Kevin to compete to see who can kiss her out of it first. We also get a glimpse into Kevin's worst nightmare when he is sent to the Nightmare Zone: being forced to reenter normal society after the horrifying video game war he has been forced to participate in.

Pat from Castle Super Beast joins the podcast to talk about how goddamn fucked up Captain N: The Game Master is! Simon Belmont shoots himself in the ass with a love arrow, accidentally forcing him to fall in love with Mother Brain.  Meanwhile, Mega Man and Kid Icarus meet another deeply fucked up cow. But most importantly, the gang fights, for about 5 seconds, Mr. Bones — a cool 80s skeleton man wearing a skeleton shirt. Mr. Bones fuckin rules, you guys. You're gonna love Mr. Bones.

Captain N and company are in Dragon's Den, trying to reunite a baby dragon with its dragon mother, in this week's episode set in the world of Dragon Quest, AKA Dragon Warrior. It is honestly mostly dragons this week. King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard drop in long enough to ride a few of those babies and Simon Belmont stops by to milk a cow in one of the more awful ways imaginable. As always, Mark and Jeremy reference and alter the Wiki page, which helps key the boys into one of this (or any) series' most glaring continuity errors.  

Is this the TOAD WARRIOR of Captain N???? Who cares because this episode is insane. Kevin's dog finds a magic lamp that has a dickhead genie willing to grant unlimited wishes to whoever holds it, which almost immediately leads to Eggplant Wizard kissing two sexy tomatoes, King Hippo conquering Kongoland with fascist gorillas, and a deeply depressed Kid Icarus who became Too Big. Oh yea, this episode is also probably an explanation from the writer as to why there's nothing wrong with having a tiny penis. Top tier Captain N episode.

Oh my god, it's time for the thrilling conclusion to last week's insane cliffhanger!!! Too bad Mark and Jeremy spend so much of this week's episode looking up facts about Pepsiman, making fun of the show's depiction of "Cutsman," and sassily editing the official Captain N wiki with "mistakes" in the show's logic. To the warp zone!

Gweetings, Paisanos! On this week's Captain N, Mother Brain hatches a plan to make, rig, and win a fake video game olympics in Videoland so that she can steal some treasure or something. This episode features Mega Man learning how to throw a shot put, Donkey Kong and Eggplant Wizard forming a tag team, Dracula and Simon Belmont having a ski race, and it's only part one of a cliffhanger! To the wadar woom!

Comedian, actor, and Ace Watkins body double PHIL JAMESSON joins the podcast to discuss this episode in which Kevin has to fight a robot version of his high school bully! We learn Simon Belmont's biggest fear (Dracula) and Kevin's dog's biggest fear (being chased by many cats). But most importantly, we are introduced to Wombatman, this show's parody of Batman who is a literal wombat and has sex with a human woman but SAYS EXPLICITLY that he does not love her. 

Captain N heads to the Bayou to hang with Billy Bayou himself — or so we think, because the animators ran out of budget to finish filling in all of the backgrounds this episode. But who cares? Eggplant Wizard steals every goddamn scene in this episode. He turns King Hippo into a salad, and then a boat, and lastly, a fool. Eggplant Wizard ride or die gang.

WELCOME TO SEASON TWO OF THE PODCAST, PAISANOS! Mark and Jeremy embark on a quest to watch and discuss every episode of 1989's Captain N: The Game Master, a cartoon about a boy named Kevin who gets pulled into an NES with his dog. There, Kevin befriends Simon Belmont, Megaman, and Kid Icarus — none of which seem even remotely related to their video game counterparts. Meanwhile in the live action, nothing happens. This show's all cartoon, sewer simps!

Mark and Jeremy watch and discuss this bizarre 1986 Super Mario Bros anime movie that is far better than anything the Super Mario Bros. Super Show! has ever put out. Luigi's blue, toad's a weird alien, peach has a boyfriend, there's a weird old wizard guy, and Mario dresses up like a ballerina to seduce a clam. This movie really has it all, paisani. 

The boys look back on all the highs and lows of the previous year and a half, and discuss highlights of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show. In addition to top 5 lists for favorite episode, guest star, and series MVP, Mark and Jeremy single out a few series highlights and other notable moments this glorious fever dream of a video game commercial has provided.

Mark and Jeremy watch and discuss the FINAL episode of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! Fittingly, it's very racist. Mario and Luigi head back to the city of Sayonara seeking the help of a mythical ninja, voiced by a white guy doing a painfully bad accent, to defeat Karate Koopa (who wants to kidnap the gang and sell them as slaves). Meanwhile in the live action, Captain Lou Albano fucks up a line so bad he stops talking for the rest of the episode.

Here it is, paisanos, the final Zelda episode of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!  The last episode of this children's program contains a worker's revolution, an awful lot of Elvira's cleavage, and very little Zelda and Link! In addition to sobbing uncontrollably about the lack of further new Adventures of Zelda episodes, the boys play clips from the show and make little jokes about them.

Comedian, prolific Hard Drive writer, and game developer Kyle Erf joins the podcast to discuss the long-awaited ROBO KOOPA, an episode so bizarrely far from its source material, we're not sure if it's actually even parodying RoboCop. Mario and the gang head to RoboLand to help out their good friend, sex robot Bunsen, who the show pretends we all already know. Meanwhile in one of the best ever live action segments, the gang helps Cyndi Lauper track down Captain Lou Albano, who appears to have offed himself.