19 Years Lived: a Harry Potter podcast

Does anyone want some marihughana? There's plenty of it in this stylised romp about everyone's favourite vice: bush. Yes, that's what they call it. They think we all call it that. Do you? We don't. Sorry, this is getting off track. It's a long film about gangsters. This episode contains discussion of sexual assault and suicide.

Hugh cannot deal with this lightly or refuse your birthright! A birthright, that is, of marrying your cousin. In a film that tips 1988 into our man's most prolific year, we get to watch a be-mulleted Hugh cosplaying as Zorro whilst justifying murders because 'that's what the King would want'. Hughmiliating! Spoiler alert: the dog does, indeed, die.

This is a film by Roman Polanski. We don't recommend you watch this film. If we're being honest, we did not watch this film. Enjoy!

Hello and welcome to Hughie do Hughie think Hughie are! That's right, we're watching the one and only film featuring a certain HUGHIE Grant. Ever wondered what Oxford students like our man himself got up to in the eighties? It's exactly the kind of boring/weird stuff you'd expect! Debate clubs! Being rude to waiters! Bad theatre! Crimes and misdemeanours! And no one will be held accountable, because rich people!

Oh the Hughrrors of war! Young Baby Grant's role in The Remains of the Day is brief but beautiful, depicting him as an excellent journalist and mediocre godson. He busts the story wide open in this adapted Kazuo Ishigiro tale of a domesticated country manor wrapped up in the threat of war. The star of the show is Anthony Hopkins, though, who plays repressed and sublimated Mr. Stevens, grappling with his Nazi-sympathising boss, who takes the decision to side with the Germans over this whole world war two thing, largely ‘cos some of them are his mates. Also Emma Thompson stars and helps make the movie that extra bit brutal. This was a good'un! Good'un alert!

Don't dHugh that! Want a film that explores empire, grooming, religion and consent in a sensitive and thoughtful way? Then you've come to the wrong place! This film is bad... in every way. Enjoy! This episode contains discussions of grooming, sexual abuse and racism, so skip it if you want!

Hugh Crime! Who exactly has dun it in this story of scaredy-cat expat colonizers hiding out the horrors of WW2 by holidaying in Kenya? I'm not sure we find out, but it's the journey, and not the destination, that makes White Mischief so barely tolerable. Bask in the banality of the upper class; watch them as they horny; enjoy the Star Wars style opening scroll. Hugh Grant is barely in this, but he's certainly complicit. “This is not as good as Star Wars” - Zoe and Robin.

Are Hugh a fighter, or a lover? If your answer is 'why not both?' then boy oh boy is this not the film for you. Liam Neeson must choose between hitting people in the head and keeping his wife and family. Robin and Zoe must choose between sensibly discussing the film and breaking out into fever-induced singing. Fight! Fight! Fight!

I'm on Shag Hughway heading West! Zoe and Robin absolve Colin God of Sex of all his sins in this bumper edition of the pod for Love Actually. Hugh Grant's most detested role comes in an ensemble bonkfest that literally has it all. Contextless political diplomacy! Joni Mitchell reissues! Martin Freeman! A callous lack of empathy for differently sized people! DIDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugh're quite a creepy person, aren't Hugh? Hugh Grant, in a thriller!? You wouldn't think it would work, but it sort of does! Robin and Zoe ponder on some Hughtilitarian conundrums inspired by the film, consider Hugh's more serious acting abilities, and wonder what exactly is medical grade cocaine? Also Sarah Jessica Parker is in this movie. Don't mHughve a muscle.

Hey… are Hugh talkin' to me? Zoe gets her first taste of the mafia in the Godfather of Grant films, Mickey Blue Eyes. A confusing and often headache-inducing mash-up of romcom cliches and mob movie tropes, Kelly Malkin's 1999 romp goes here, there and everywhere before sleeping with da fishes. Will we understand all the plot twists? Would this movie have done better if it was released in the Italian Meme Era? Does Zoe know what gabagool is? Find out in this short and frankly lazy episode!

The minute you stop trying to find it, it will find Hugh. Six stories, all alike in dignity, on fair Earth, where we lay our scene... if you thought Robin and Zoe were the right people to discuss this movie that top critics couldn't get their heads around then you were right, baby! Come for the confusion over actors, prosthetics, accents, and plotlines, stay for the SHOCKING TWIST at the end of the episode. You want the true true?

Hugh have no messages. None. Not even from your mother. The Edge of Reason is a masterclass in going from hero to zero in three simple steps. Step one: have no discernible plot or character goals. Step two: turn the cringe comedy up to the max. Step three: turn all the characters into caricatures. Just add some racism and job done!

It is a truth Hughniversally acknowledged that when one person on the pod is doing okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces. This week we're watching 2001's Vonnegutesque classic: Bridget Jones's Diary. You might not have thought you'd get references to Michael Scott or Lil Nas X in this episode about a movie that rips off Jane Austen, but here we are. Zoe thinks it's top notch social commentary to be returned to again and again. Robin thinks it sucks. And now, back to the stHughdio!

Imprompthugh! Haha they set us up for that one. This particular slice of old-school Grant sees him cast as the world-fearing Frederic Chopin: good at piano, yes, but proficient at being desired. Who’s lusting after him with parasocial tenacity? It’s George Sands, of course, a writer from romantic times who was famous in a “let’s do a biopic about her!” way. Things we discus this episode: bad accents, the writers’ strike, and Zoe’s vendetta against below-par Netflix sitcoms. Plus: it’s her birthday! Happy birthday to the greatest podcaster of them all.

Chugh chugh! All aboard! On the night train to Venice anything can happen. Milfs can lose their daughters. Nazis can turn into dogs. Cameras can zoom slowly. One room can have eight chandeliers. There is only one question: what if one day you woke up and realised it was all a dream?

Mr Writer… why don’t Hugh tell it like it really is? Marc Lawrence really thinks highly enough of himself to make a self-insert movie about a ‘one-hit wonder’ movie writer in search of their comeback screenplay. It’s Hugh Grant, baby, Lawrence’s favourite son, who does the dirty work, mirthlessly chuckling his way through a movie of MRA philosophies, age-inappropriate dates, and J K Simmons. If you ask me they should have called it the Write Off! Haha. Folks,

Warning: contains adult themes, sexhughally explicit content and nhughdity. We're on a good movies roll as we take a gander at nicely shot horn fest Sirens. Stepping into Hugh's soft-softcore back catalogue reveals new depths in his awkward bumblings, while also revealing lots and lots of tits. Surprisingly, we loved this movie. Team horny wins!

The readers at Horse and Hughnd will be delighted! This week we’re very much watching good movies with the arrival of Notting Hill. This is where the Hugh Grant thesaurus was written, from where words like ‘whoopsiedaisies’ and ‘nibble’ entered our collective lexicon. Join us as we watch Hugh try and find love in the literal worst place - the arms of a famous person - while also doing journalistic espionage and the very occasional spot of dayjob work. Stick around for the undefeated cast of supporting characters, including the Wire’s Lester Freeman, The O.C.’s Mischa Barton and a Welsh guy that Robin, with his West Country heritage, thought was from the West Country. Cancelled!

This is a film by Woody Allen. We don't recommend you watch it or listen to the episode tbh

It’s the Soviet Hughnian! America and its best cold war frenemy are forced to team up in this history-adjacent romp about both Nazis and nuclear warfare. A movie we’re dubbing ‘Guy Ritchie’s Sound of Music’, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. features Henry Cavill, the default settings of actors, alongside Armie Hammer, both of them trying to out-unperform one another. Hugh Grant pops up later in the movie to show us what a real hot guy looks like. Does Guy Ritchie understand what a Nazi is? No. Do we understand what an U.N.C.L.E. is? Absolutely not. And just wait for the wrestling scene.

I'm handing in my Hugh Week's Notice! Turns out that while Hugh Grant is devilishly handsome and utterly charming, he's also terrible to work for - classic billionaire bad boy, amiright? In this medium-quality Sandra Bullock vehicle, Hugh will take us on a journey from playboy to playman, showing off his worst hair ever and truly terrible clothing. Lean in, ladies, because we're about to get some lessons in climbing the corporate ladder while also maintaining our principles AND looking darned cute in a ballgown!

Hugh Hugh Hugh! The pirate’s life is for me. Is it though, Hugh? Our lead man plays the least convincing pirate of all time, failing to convince even in animated form as he attempts to claim underdog status while literally being the poshest man ever to have been invented. What do we have here then? Well, we have The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists!, one of those subversive, adult-oriented kid movies trying too hard to introduce meta to the young’uns. Martin Freeman, early-ages misogyny and Hugh Grant saying yo. And not even “yo ho ho”

England has been GRANTed a King once more! We're in the Restoration Era for an hour of shagging, drinking and general debauchery, followed by an hour of sanatoriums, plagues and general misery. Art! Puppies! Slack, wet mouths! This movie has it all, plus Meg Ryan doing an Irish accent. Do not watch this movie if you want to enjoy pineapples, history, or the oboe ever again.

Hugh must believe in Spring! That’s right, it’s slightly warmer than it was last week, so in true pod fashion, we watched the most seasonally irrelevant movie possible! Halloween flick The Lair of the White Worm features our main man, plus main man of some other podcast Peter Capaldi. Both of them are bonded by wearing jumpers and dealing with very horny b-flick horror. Is a worm a snake? Other questions will be answered but Robin will mostly worry about this as fangs are grown, spaghetti is eaten and nipples are unveiled. Stupid sexy horror movie!

Would Hugh listen to that? What IS that? Is it the hilarious sound of a delightfully quirky woman living her dreams and belting her heart out to disastrous results, leading to good feelings and general mirth all round? No! It's the sound of an infantilised selfish socialite who has dreams and is annoying and is not funny. And who's that beside her? Is it a man whose pure love sustains her through her twilight years, supporting her to the detriment of his other relationships and bonded to her for all eternity? No! It's a man who makes decisions and statements that make no sense and also is very annoying! Enjoy!

It’s the big one! We’re finally watching ‘About A Boy’, the movie that ultimately catalysed our silly little pod. So excited was Zoe this week that she watched it twice, which is a mere drop in the ocean compared with how many times she’s seen it before. In what we’re dubbing ‘Hugh’s most iconic role’, our leading man plays a disgruntled manbaby trying to gamify his sad little life. Join us as he attempts to have discerning taste (while owning a huge poster that just says ‘jazz’ on it), picks up women at a single parent support group (successfully), and meets a child called Marcus who he doesn’t offer cigarettes to (against type). Will this pathetic but inexplicably sympathetic man ever grow up? Are they gonna be able to shoehorn those 20 mins of romcom in at the end? How the heck did Nicholas Holt end up in Skins? All these questions will be answered as we watch the definitive entry into the “babies doth suck” genre of Hugh movie.

pHughberty, pHughniversity and Hughman dignity are all hot topics in this - what's the opposite of a 'romp'? Sedate walk? Two boys take a gentle turn about their youth as they navigate studying, running the world and falling in love with one another, and it happens so slowly you'd barely notice it. We loved it! Someone hand us a white tie and a punt because we're all in for Maurice and Clive (and Scudder, there's a third boy who appears at some point. Don't worry about it.). Boys!

Makes Hugh think! With the recently deceased and rested in piss 2020 in the rear view, we decided it was the right time to watch ‘Death to 2020’, Charlie Brooker’s attempt at upgrading the TV wipe to something marketable to America. Here we see him write some topic sentences about Trump, compare Nazis to ‘the woke left’, and pull punches whenever he gets too close to actually criticising Boris Johnson. He delivers his jokes via a cavalcade of fictional celebrities and it is just awful, I mean this is your guy? Really? Charlie, you are the dystopia, pal.

Do you know what Hugh expect when Hugh 's expecting? You're about to find out! Expect this fun family romp to teach you about essential facts of life, such as condoms only being 97% effective and how women are always trying to trap men into marriage by getting pregnant, the wily minxes. Expect to enjoy the gentle physical comedy of Robin Williams, and also a giant dinosaur that says 'pussy' a lot. Most of all, expect that once Hugh's expecting he'll turn into a cad and a rotter because he's not allowed to keep his car! Once again Hugh Grant is being forced into a more committed and involved relationship than he's comfortable with - now with babies!

Lift Your Skinny Hills Like Antennas To Hughven! You ever been so proud of a mountain you artificially raised its height with the help of your local community? If not then you haven’t been doing it like they do it in ‘The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down a Mountain’. In one of the half dozen movies from 1995 that Hugh Grant starred in (you could say he was at the ‘peak’ of his powers), we learn about rural Welsh pride, English imperialism and the hotness of cartography. We’re treated to sprawling vistas and local pubs, charming characters and amiable emergency town hall meetings. There’s peril, sure, but it’s mild, all in service of vibes so good they would have appeared in an Upworthy article, had it not been 1917. Also it’s World War I but don’t worry about it.

His name! Oh, his name! Please, could you tell us to whom we are so much obliged? It's not Naughty Willoughby, it's our friend Hugh Grant! In double breasted jackets and britches galore, Hugh's taking a trip to Regency England to hang out with the many, many national treasures that keep popping up in his movies. There are two uneligible ladies, three eligible gentlemen, various actually eligible ladies who pop up and cause trouble, sickness, picnics, piano playing, emergency trips to London, and above all... oh, how they all yearn!

Satire was a mistake! This week we lament the existence of American Dreamz, a hyper-offensive 2006 political parody worth absolutely no-one’s time. Join us as we try and parse what, if anything, this film is trying to say about US politics, reality TV and conflict in the Middle East. How come this movie feels 200 years old? Is it secretly a Carry On movie? Why are Americans so horny for their veterans? Listen and find out! Maybe just don’t listen. Hugh Grant is in this movie.

We're heading over to LiverpHughl for panto season! Who doesn't love children's classic Peter Pan, with the courageous Lost Boys, flight-giving Tinkerbell and fearsome Captain Hook? Ah, but what of the behind the scenes drama that the glowing faces of the audience are not privy to? For it is dark back there, dark and dangerous. There's play director Hugh Grant, who delights in abusing the teens in the company. There's actor Alan Rickman, who also delights in abusing the teens in the company. There are stage hands and reviewers who - you guessed it - delight in abusing the teens in the company. Second star to the right and keep on 'til you accidentally do incest and then die!

Folks, it is time to care about literature. One of Hugh Grant’s earliest outings, the 1988 film Rowing With The Wind is a slice of speculative Hugh-storical fiction about some famous writers and their traumatic antics. Director Gonzalo Suárez invites us to imagine the life and times of writer Shelley, raconteur Lord Byron, and the other writer called Shelley, placing them in a highly unsexy holiday romp with all the dramatic potential of BBC’s Normal People. We’ll get an early glimpse of Hugh as a caddish lad, strain to understand the confusing and non-existent plot points, and find out exactly how Frankenstein was written. Join us as we get inundated with psychodrama, chess and nipples. This is chaos. Help.

At Madam Kozlova's all your dreams come Hugh! In this episode we discuss carceral reform movie Paddington 2, which is about how prisons could be made a whole lot more jolly with a bit of bunting and a spot of afternoon tea. Cops are bad but also good, practicing good manners is essential, and keeping calm and carrying on can and will save the day in this time-warp movie. Are we equipped to discuss the subtleties of the extremely confused messaging in this film? Absolutely not, but our sandwiches are spread with marmalade on a knife made of justice. Let's do this!

Please don’t stop the HUGHsic! In today’s episode we dig perhaps too deep into Marc Lawrence’s 2007 romcom Music & Lyrics, a late-in-the-game Hughing that sends up ‘80s pop stars and the music industry around them. It’s a movie of fictional smash hits and Hugh Grant butt wiggles. It gives us Careless Whisper sax and ABC synths. It’s got Drew Barrymore delivering a frankly inhumane volume of rhyming lines. Join us as we try and figure out whether this movie predicted 2010s-era Gary Barlow, if it invented PSY’s Gangnam style, and whether Hugh’s music could do with more minor thirds.

We're starting with the film that launched Hugh Grant into the hughllowed hughlls of hughllywood: Four weddings and a Funeral. The film which gave us stuttering, twitchy, unthreatening love interest Hugh. The film where Andie MacDowell is there, and occasionally says things. The film where Hugh is super posh but his sister is... cockney? The film where everyone lives in a castle in Surrey or a castle in Scotland. Join us to find the answers to some very important questions like: are there nipples in this movie? What is bonking? Why is Rowan Atkinson? And, of course, do you, Charles? Do you? Do you Charles?

Yes, after many google searches to double check no one had already taken our very good podcast name, Hugh Do Hugh Think Hugh Are? is here! Prepare to be absolutely bamboozled with excellent Hugh Grant takes, puns, and wikipedia trivia. Join us as we slowly come to the realisation that Richard Curits romcoms comprise about 5% of his filmography; marvel in our attempts to understand all the weird, inexplicable period pieces that he was part of in the 80s; listen as the penny drops, and we realise we have to watch Cloud Atlas in its entirety. Who knows what we might find out along the way - perhaps we’ll work out whether Hugh Grant is hot, I don’t know - as we bring you a solid 40 episodes of content about the foibles and heel turns of Hugh John Mungo Grant.

No one reads anything. In this episode: we're saying goodbye. JK Rowling has become too evil for us to make fun of any more, so we're bowing out. Love you all xxx

Zoe reads Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and Robin reads Draco's Detour. In these chapters: Mrs Weasley is not good at cooking, Bertha Jorkins would thrive in local council, the Weasley twins are thriving as venture capitalists, and what the hell even is a probity probe?

It's been 19 years since the release of Philosopher's Stone! In this movie: the film does the book justice! Petunia is underrated, Quirrell is straight out of CBBC, the music is completely out of control, and why wasn't Hugh Grant in this?

Zoe reads Back to the Burrow and Robin reads The Slug Club. In these chapters: Draco is a big boy now, the twins are missing Percy dreadfully, Harry's like his father in a bad way, and everyone's got a famous uncle or they have trauma, except lucky Harry who has both.

Zoe reads The Invitation and Robin reads Snape Victorious. In these chapters: Mr Dursley has probably only murdered like two people, Sassy Harry is being born, JK Rowling manages to make jumping off a moving train boring, Harry is a hypocrite, and Nearly-Headless Nick is saying what all of us are thinking.

Zoe reads The Scar and Robin reads The Half-Blood Prince. In these chapters: Harry's buying a pregnancy test, Hermione is good cop and Ron is bad cop, Sassy Harry is in the house, and we must never forget how much better Harry is than his friends

Zoe reads The Riddle House and Robin reads The House of Gaunt. In these chapters: you can't be kissing someone's feet in a pandemic, Joanne is getting in some Casual Vacancy practice, Voldemort's making dad jokes, Snape is being very naughty, and horniness is a more powerful magic than love ever could be.

Zoe reads Owl Post Again and Robin reads Hermione's Helping Hand. In these chapters: McLaggen is lad culture, Lupin is good at honesty and Ron is very bad at it, Fudge is reaching new levels of incompetence, and Pig has arrived!

Zoe reads Hermione's Secret and Robin reads Silver and Opals. In these chapters: Harry is a menace, medicine is real and chocolate is also real, a woman's work is never recognised, the film was... better? and we've had just about enough of Joanne Kathleen Rowling.

Zoe reads The Dementor's Kiss and Robin reads The Secret Riddle. In these chapters: Harry and Sirius are moving too fast, Lupin should be under lockdown, Dumbledore is confused about consent, and Ron and Hermione have had just about enough of Harry's Malfoy obsession.

Zoe reads The Servant of Lord Voldemort and Robin reads Felix Felicis. In these chapters: Malfoy loves his badgemaker, Hermione has other friends, Crookshanks can read and is cleverer than a dementor, and Checkhov's snog is smoking

Zoe reads Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs and Robin reads The Unbreakable Vow. In these chapters: Moony is into butts, Harry is the judge, jury and executioner, Ron and Hermione are social distancing, Gillywater is not a Jaegerbomb, and the only illegal things are fascism and being Mundungus Fletcher.