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What if the very strategies that saved you as a child are now sabotaging your adult relationships? In Part 2 of Tony's series on emotional immaturity, discover why your most persistent relationship struggles aren't character flaws—they're outdated survival software still running in the background of your life. Through the powerful ACT metaphor of "The Man in the Hole," you'll understand why working harder with familiar emotional tools only digs you deeper into relationship problems. When someone offers you a ladder out of your patterns, why do you keep trying to dig with it instead? This episode reveals how to recognize when it's time to put down the shovel of old coping strategies and climb toward something completely different. Meet the clients who've made this transformation: the chronic fixer who learned to ask "what do you need from me?" instead of immediately solving, the humor-deflector who shocked a room into silence by sharing something real, and the lifelong people-pleaser whose hands shook as she said "no" for the first time—and discovered her marriage actually got stronger. You'll explore Terry Real's revolutionary insight that childhood adaptations become adult roadblocks, learn the art of re-parenting yourself with compassion instead of criticism, and discover why emotional maturity isn't about never falling into old patterns—it's about recognizing when you're there and having new tools to respond. Whether you struggle with hypervigilance, perfectionism, control issues, or people-pleasing tendencies, this episode offers a shame-free framework for honoring your inner child's brilliant survival strategies while empowering your adult self to take the lead. Because growth isn't about eliminating your protective parts—it's about expanding your repertoire of responses and choosing consciously instead of reacting automatically. Ready to stop digging and start climbing? Your ladder awaits. 00:00 Introduction and Recap 01:23 The Story of Tyler 03:53 Tyler's Realization and Therapy 09:39 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Metaphor 15:46 Revisiting Emotional Immaturity 19:30 Reparenting Yourself 25:05 Examples of Reparenting in Action 29:00 Exploring Emotional Immaturity Traits 40:54 Recognizing and Validating Emotions 42:47 Dependence on External Validation 48:54 Taking Ownership and Accountability 51:49 Mind Reading and Communication 01:03:55 Hypervigilance and Emotional Containment 01:07:12 Perfectionism and Control 01:11:49 Integration and Emotional Maturity 01:15:57 Real-Life Examples of Emotional Growth 01:22:05 The Journey of Emotional Maturity
What if the very strategies that saved you as a child are now sabotaging your adult relationships? In Part 2 of Tony's series on emotional immaturity, discover why your most persistent relationship struggles aren't character flaws—they're outdated survival software still running in the background of your life. Through the powerful ACT metaphor of "The Man in the Hole," you'll understand why working harder with familiar emotional tools only digs you deeper into relationship problems. When someone offers you a ladder out of your patterns, why do you keep trying to dig with it instead? This episode reveals how to recognize when it's time to put down the shovel of old coping strategies and climb toward something completely different. Meet the clients who've made this transformation: the chronic fixer who learned to ask "what do you need from me?" instead of immediately solving, the humor-deflector who shocked a room into silence by sharing something real, and the lifelong people-pleaser whose hands shook as she said "no" for the first time—and discovered her marriage actually got stronger. You'll explore Terry Real's revolutionary insight that childhood adaptations become adult roadblocks, learn the art of re-parenting yourself with compassion instead of criticism, and discover why emotional maturity isn't about never falling into old patterns—it's about recognizing when you're there and having new tools to respond. Whether you struggle with hypervigilance, perfectionism, control issues, or people-pleasing tendencies, this episode offers a shame-free framework for honoring your inner child's brilliant survival strategies while empowering your adult self to take the lead. Because growth isn't about eliminating your protective parts—it's about expanding your repertoire of responses and choosing consciously instead of reacting automatically. Ready to stop digging and start climbing? Your ladder awaits. 00:00 Introduction and Recap 01:23 The Story of Tyler 03:53 Tyler's Realization and Therapy 09:39 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Metaphor 15:46 Revisiting Emotional Immaturity 19:30 Reparenting Yourself 25:05 Examples of Reparenting in Action 29:00 Exploring Emotional Immaturity Traits 40:54 Recognizing and Validating Emotions 42:47 Dependence on External Validation 48:54 Taking Ownership and Accountability 51:49 Mind Reading and Communication 01:03:55 Hypervigilance and Emotional Containment 01:07:12 Perfectionism and Control 01:11:49 Integration and Emotional Maturity 01:15:57 Real-Life Examples of Emotional Growth 01:22:05 The Journey of Emotional Maturity
A session with Terry Real, a marriage and family therapist, can get uncomfortable. He's known to mirror and amplify the emotions of his clients, sometimes cursing and nearly yelling, often in an attempt to get men in touch with the emotions they're not used to honoring.Real says men are often pushed to shut off their expression of vulnerability when they're young as part of the process of becoming a man. That process, he says, can lead to myriad problems in their relationships. He sees it as his job to pull them back into vulnerability and intimacy, reconfiguring their understanding of masculinity in order to build more wholesome and connected families.In this episode, Real explains why vulnerability is so essential to healthy masculinity and why his work with men feels more urgent than ever. He explains why he thinks our current models of masculinity are broken and what it will take to build new ones.This episode was inspired by a New York Times Magazine piece, “How I Learned That the Problem in My Marriage Was Me” by Daniel Oppenheimer.For more Modern Love, search for the show wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Wednesday. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
In this teaching, Thomas Hubl focuses on the heart as not just a physical organ but a central hub for emotional maturity, spiritual development, mind-body integration, and connection to universal intelligence. He offers a guided contemplative practice to lead you into the depth of your heart space so that you can listen deeper to your own truths, integrate mind and body, become a deeper listener for others, and better regulate your nervous system. Click here to watch the video version of this episode on YouTube:
Can we metabolize our pain to create an entry point into liberation? How can spirituality support us in this process? This week, Thomas sits down with Buddhist minister, author, and activist Lama Rod Owens to share visions for collective liberation, the importance of reconnecting with Indigenous worldviews, sacred ecology, and unseen worlds, and strategies to overcome hopelessness and despair as we work to dismantle harmful systems. They explore the intersection of individual and collective trauma, the connection between spiritual awakening and social justice, and the importance of meeting suffering and discomfort with kindness and presence instead of bypassing it for short-term relief. It's a wide-ranging and inspiring conversation that bridges the mystical and the practical, and we hope you'll tune in. Click here to watch the video version of this episode on YouTube:
A session with Terry Real, a marriage and family therapist, can get uncomfortable. He's known to mirror and amplify the emotions of his clients, sometimes cursing and nearly yelling, often in an attempt to get men in touch with the emotions they're not used to honoring.Real says men are often pushed to shut off their expression of vulnerability when they're young as part of the process of becoming a man. That process, he says, can lead to myriad problems in their relationships. He sees it as his job to pull them back into vulnerability and intimacy, reconfiguring their understanding of masculinity in order to build more wholesome and connected families.In this episode, Real explains why vulnerability is so essential to healthy masculinity and why his work with men feels more urgent than ever. He explains why he thinks our current models of masculinity are broken and what it will take to build new ones.This episode was inspired by a New York Times Magazine piece, “How I Learned That the Problem in My Marriage Was Me” by Daniel Oppenheimer.The “Modern Love” podcast team is planning a second episode with Real, focused on fatherhood. He has agreed to give our listeners advice on fatherhood, whether you're an experienced dad, an expecting dad or otherwise dad-adjacent. For example, maybe you want advice on how to parent in a world filled with so many mixed messages about how men should be or on how to repair a mistake you made as a dad. Maybe there are elements of fatherhood you're still figuring out or are unsure of. Record your questions as a voice memo and email them to modernlovepodcast@nytimes.com.Tips for recording: Please avoid recording where there is a lot of background noise. If you are using your smartphone to record your voice memo, please speak into your phone's built-in microphone from a few inches away. Your recording may not be usable if you use Bluetooth earbuds or if you are too close or too far from the phone. It works best when you tell us your story as if you are speaking to a friend rather than reading it from a written statement. Be as concise as you can, and please listen back to it to make sure the recording is complete. You can find further tips for recording here, and find our submission terms here.Here's how to submit a Modern Love essay to The New York Times.Here's how to submit a Tiny Love Story. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Trauma makes it difficult to feel joy, but you CAN experience it again, even if you're in the early stages of your healing journey. This week, Thomas sits down with trauma researcher, life coach, and the author of Unbroken and The Joy Reset, Dr. MaryCatherine McDonald, to redefine joy, examine how trauma steals it from us, and explore how we can learn to let it into our lives again. Dr. McDonald has identified six “thieves of joy”—coping mechanisms that helped us to survive trauma and hardship, but now make it difficult to relax, let go, and feel the full spectrum of emotions. She shares strategies to release guilt, shame, and hypervigilance and allow good things to happen without bracing for the worst. Dr. McDonald's newest book, The Joy Reset: Six Ways Trauma Steals Happiness and How to Win it Back, is out now wherever books are sold. Click here to watch the video version of this episode on YouTube:
Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher. His book I Don't Want To Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, the first book ever written on the topic of male depression, is a national bestseller. His new book, Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship is a New York Times bestseller.Sponsors:Cresset prestigious family office for CEOs, founders, and entrepreneurs: https://cressetcapital.com/tim (book a call today)Ramp easy-to-use corporate cards, bill payments, accounting, and more: https://ramp.com/tim (Get $250 when you join Ramp)Wealthfront high-yield cash account: https://Wealthfront.com/Tim (Start earning 4.00% APY on your short-term cash until you're ready to invest. And when new clients open an account today, you can get an extra fifty-dollar bonus with a deposit of five hundred dollars or more.) Terms apply. Tim Ferriss receives cash compensation from Wealthfront Brokerage, LLC for advertising and holds a non-controlling equity interest in the corporate parent of Wealthfront Brokerage. See full disclosures here.*For show notes and past guests on The Tim Ferriss Show, please visit tim.blog/podcast.For deals from sponsors of The Tim Ferriss Show, please visit tim.blog/podcast-sponsorsSign up for Tim's email newsletter (5-Bullet Friday) at tim.blog/friday.For transcripts of episodes, go to tim.blog/transcripts.Discover Tim's books: tim.blog/books.Follow Tim:Twitter: twitter.com/tferriss Instagram: instagram.com/timferrissYouTube: youtube.com/timferrissFacebook: facebook.com/timferriss LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/timferrissPast guests on The Tim Ferriss Show include Jerry Seinfeld, Hugh Jackman, Dr. Jane Goodall, LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Jamie Foxx, Matthew McConaughey, Esther Perel, Elizabeth Gilbert, Terry Crews, Sia, Yuval Noah Harari, Malcolm Gladwell, Madeleine Albright, Cheryl Strayed, Jim Collins, Mary Karr, Maria Popova, Sam Harris, Michael Phelps, Bob Iger, Edward Norton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Neil Strauss, Ken Burns, Maria Sharapova, Marc Andreessen, Neil Gaiman, Neil de Grasse Tyson, Jocko Willink, Daniel Ek, Kelly Slater, Dr. Peter Attia, Seth Godin, Howard Marks, Dr. Brené Brown, Eric Schmidt, Michael Lewis, Joe Gebbia, Michael Pollan, Dr. Jordan Peterson, Vince Vaughn, Brian Koppelman, Ramit Sethi, Dax Shepard, Tony Robbins, Jim Dethmer, Dan Harris, Ray Dalio, Naval Ravikant, Vitalik Buterin, Elizabeth Lesser, Amanda Palmer, Katie Haun, Sir Richard Branson, Chuck Palahniuk, Arianna Huffington, Reid Hoffman, Bill Burr, Whitney Cummings, Rick Rubin, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Darren Aronofsky, Margaret Atwood, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Thiel, Dr. Gabor Maté, Anne Lamott, Sarah Silverman, Dr. Andrew Huberman, and many more.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Thomas explores a holistic, interdependent approach to well-being to help us navigate uncertainty, manage stress, and become a source of stability for ourselves and those around us. In times of global uncertainty, it's essential that we come together—to pause, reflect, and reconnect. Thomas shares insights and practices to support us in cultivating the inner resilience needed to meet life's challenges with greater presence, clarity, and care. Now more than ever, we need resilience to remain grounded in stressful moments. Thomas explores how we can strengthen our ability to heal, adapt, and support others, creating a ripple effect that is felt by our friends, loved ones, and ultimately, the whole collective. Click here to watch the video version of this episode on YouTube:
Sharla's back after a month-long break, sharing a deeply personal story of recovering from decompression sickness caused by a scuba diving trip in the British Virgin Islands. Her rapid brain recovery, thanks to hyperbaric oxygen therapy, inspired this episode on neuroplasticity—the brain's incredible ability to rewire itself. Joined by Robert, Sharla explores how the brain's adaptability can transform your marriage, drawing on therapist Terry Real's framework from his book Us. Learn how to make unconscious patterns conscious, harness emotional “recoil” moments, and act quickly to build new, healthier habits in your relationship. Packed with science, practical tips, and heartfelt insights, this episode will inspire you to tap into your brain's resilience to become the best version of yourself for your partner.What You'll Learn: - How Sharla's cognitive recovery showcases the brain's neuroplasticity. - Terry Real's two-step process for rapid change: making the implicit explicit and using emotional shock to rewire behaviors. - The science of memory reconsolidation and why acting fast after an “aha” moment matters. - Three practical steps to rewire harmful patterns in your marriage, with real-life examples from Sharla and Robert's journey.Try the episode's tips: reflect on an automatic pattern in your marriage, have an honest talk with your partner, and practice a new behavior right away. Share your story or insights on Instagram @masteryourmarriage—we'll repost our favorites! Loved this episode? Leave a 5-star review and share it with someone who'd benefit. Got topic ideas or feedback? Email us at masteryourmarriage@gmail.com.References: Want to dive deeper into neuroplasticity? Check out these resources: - Books: - Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself. Penguin Books. Inspiring stories of how neuroplasticity transforms lives, perfect for understanding change in relationships. - Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring Happiness. Harmony Books. Practical exercises to rewire your brain for positivity and stronger connections. - Ecker, B., Ticic, R., & Hulley, L. (2012). Unlocking the Emotional Brain. Routledge. Explains how emotional insights drive rapid behavioral change. - Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Shows how relationships shape the brain for healthier dynamics. - Scientific Papers: - LeDoux, J. E., & Schiller, D. (2010). “The Human Amygdala and the Control of Fear.” Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 11(11), 761–769. Research on rewiring emotional memories through “recoil” moments. - Nader, K., et al. (2000). “Fear Memories Require Protein Synthesis in the Amygdala for Reconsolidation After Retrieval.” Nature, 406(6797), 722–726. Study on the 4–6 hour window for memory change. - Website: - Coherence Therapy (coherencetherapy.org). Articles and videos on using emotional insights for lasting change, based on Bruce Ecker's work. Find these at your local library, bookstore, or online. Share what you learn with us on Instagram @masteryourmarriage!
Thomas is joined by Terry Real, an acclaimed family therapist, bestselling author, and the founder of The Relational Life Institute. Terry shares insights from his years of work with couples and families struggling to repair their relationships, and how practicing what he calls “Relational Mindfulness” is a game-changer for anyone whose past traumas are negatively impacting their current connections. As Terry explains, the work of relationships is not day-by-day; it's moment-to-moment. And in each challenging moment, we have a choice: give in to our knee-jerk reactions and maladaptive trauma responses, or take a step back so that a more mature part of ourselves can emerge. When we choose presence, collaboration, and interdependence over reactivity, conflict, and toxic individualism, we don't just heal ourselves and our relationships—we stop the flow of intergenerational trauma in its tracks, and this dynamic shift becomes a part of our legacy. Click here to watch the video version of this episode on YouTube:
Send us a textToday Vanessa and Heather interview Lori Irwin and discuss the quantum health benefits of supporting healthy relationships. Lori Irwin is the owner of Lovescape Therapeutic Coaching and has been a certified Relational Life Coach for over five years. She has trained with internationally recognized family therapist and bestselling author, Terry Real, who is the founder of this transformational approach called Relational Life Therapy. Lori uses the RLT approach to equip her clients with essential relational skills to foster authentic connection—with themselves, their loved ones, and the broader community. Also, Lori is a certified developmental and relational trauma practitioner, helping clients identify and heal relational trauma from family of origin and past relationships. Find Lori...www.lovescape.us/bootcampwww.lovescape.uslori@lovescape.usIf you sign up for the Bootcamp after hearing this podcast, email me for a $300 discount.Support the showFind Heather:https://www.instagram.com/heathercrimson/https://www.enlightenedmood.comDiscount codes:https://www.vivarays.com ➡️ Code: enlightenedmood.com for 10% offhttps://midwestredlighttherapy.com ➡️ Code: enlightenedmood for 10% offhttps://emr-tek.com ➡️ Code: enlightenedmood for 20% offFind Vanessa:https://instagram.com/bright_light_wellness/vanessabaldwin/https://www.instagram.com/healingfamilieswithhomeopathy/Website: https://brightlightwellnesscoach.com/Discount codes:https://midwestredlighttherapy.com/ ➡️ Code: Brightlightwellnesshttps://vivarays.com/ ➡️ Code: BrightlightwellnessFree Product Guide http://gem.godaddy.com/signups/3cdbe47a101a4d2d9b991e9b5c9a981e/join Free Homeopathy Guide ...
In many marriages, there's a quiet, often invisible dynamic that keeps one person shrinking and the other wondering why they feel so alone — even when both partners care deeply.It's called the “one down” position.And it's more common than you might think.Sometimes it looks like always apologizing…Or saying, “You deserve better than me.”Or hiding behind a wall of withdrawal and silence.But underneath, it's all rooted in shame — a belief that “I'm not enough,” or “I don't belong in this relationship as I am.”In this week's episode of AwakenYou in Your Marriage, I'm diving deep into this dynamic:
Send us a textJerry & Kristy consider the ebbs and flow of attempted control of the other person within a relationship. What does it get you? What's so wrong about it, anyway?An epic fight about the way the other person loads the dishwasher is featured in the second half, as well as a better-way-forward illustrated.
Send us a textSo what happens when BOTH of you have patterns of avoiding conflict and want to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means staying with an unhappy status quo? Jerry & Kristy consider this (a listener-suggested topic) in light of the rewards that can come from decidedly "rocking the boat."
The writer Daniel Oppenheimer and his wife, Jessica, have been going to marriage therapy for many years. But, as he confessed in a recent New York Times magazine piece, he had to go to a superstar councillor to finally recognize that the biggest problem with his marriage was himself. Oppenheimer explains how renowned therapist Terry Real helped them, particularly by teaching him about healthy expressions of power. As with yesterday's show with William Deresiewicz, our conversation expands to broader societal themes about modern masculinity, with Oppenheimer suggesting many men are now struggling with emotional maturity in relationships.Five KEEN ON AMERICA Takeaways with Daniel Oppenheimer* Self-awareness in relationships is crucial - Oppenheimer's confessional essay acknowledges his own reactive behaviors (anger, walking out, saying "f**k you") as primary problems in his marriage.* Men often struggle with emotional maturity - The conversation highlights how many men, including Oppenheimer, have difficulty processing emotions in healthy ways within relationships.* Power dynamics matter in relationships - Therapist Terry Real introduced the concept of "power with" versus "power over," suggesting passive men aren't effective in relationships, but dominating men aren't either.* Cultural representations shape expectations - Oppenheimer discusses how media portrayals of relationships (romantic comedies vs. train wrecks) create unrealistic relationship models without showing the healthy middle ground.* Good relationships require hard work - Despite 18 years of ups and downs, Oppenheimer and his wife chose to stay together, work through their problems, and find a path forward, suggesting commitment and effort are central to lasting relationships.Daniel Oppenheimer is a writer whose features and reviews have been featured in the Washington Post, Texas Monthly, Boston Globe, Slate.com, The Point, Washington Monthly, Guernica, The New Republic, Tablet Magazine, and Salon.com. He received his BA in religious studies from Yale University and an MFA in nonfiction writing from Columbia University. He lives in Austin, Texas, with his wife Jessica and his kids Jolie, Asa, and Gideon.Exit Right, which was published in February 2016 by Simon & Schuster, was his first book. His other book, Far From Respectable: Dave Hickey and His Art, was published in June 2021 by The University of Texas Press. It was reviewed in a variety of places, but the best review (ie the one that said the nice things most persuasively) was this one by Blake Smith.Named as one of the "100 most connected men" by GQ magazine, Andrew Keen is amongst the world's best known broadcasters and commentators. In addition to presenting the daily KEEN ON show, he is the host of the long-running How To Fix Democracy interview series. He is also the author of four prescient books about digital technology: CULT OF THE AMATEUR, DIGITAL VERTIGO, THE INTERNET IS NOT THE ANSWER and HOW TO FIX THE FUTURE. Andrew lives in San Francisco, is married to Cassandra Knight, Google's VP of Litigation & Discovery, and has two grown children.Keen On America is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit keenon.substack.com/subscribe
Alessio Pieroni is the Founder of Scale For Impact, a leading marketing agency dedicated to scaling online education businesses from 7 to 8 figures. With over a decade of experience in the e-learning space, Alessio has developed a deep passion for transforming lives through education.His journey began at Mindvalley, where he served as Chief Marketing Officer, leading a team of 50 and playing a pivotal role in scaling the company's revenue from $25 million to $75 million. During his tenure, he helped optimize high-converting funnels, expand international reach into seven languages, and build one of the most successful subscription models in the personal growth industry—all while maximizing advertising efficiency and profitability.In 2020, Alessio leveraged his expertise to launch Scale For Impact, bringing world-class marketing strategies to the industry's top thought leaders. In just two years, his agency has collaborated with some of the most renowned authors and experts of our time, including Tony Robbins, Jordan Peterson, Marisa Peer, Terry Real, Ben Greenfield, Shefali Tsabary, Danette May, Roger Hamilton, Verne Harnish, and many more.Through Scale For Impact, Alessio and his team have successfully built high-performing funnels, created compelling content, scaled advertising spend profitably, and launched multiple New York Times Bestsellers—establishing a proven track record in driving massive growth for online education brands.
One thing I've learned from being married to my wife, Jess, who is a couples therapist, is how vast the distance is between the masks people show to the world and the messy realities that live behind them. Every couple knows its own drama, but we still fall prey to the illusion that all other couples have seamlessly satisfying relationships. The truth about marriage — including my own — is that even the most functional couples are merely doing the best they can with the lives that have been bestowed on them.This past spring, Jess and I had the first of eight sessions of couples therapy with Terry Real, a best-selling author and by far the most famous of the therapists we've seen during our marriage. Real, whose admirers include Gwyneth Paltrow and Bruce Springsteen, is one of a small number of thinkers who are actively shaping how the couples-therapy field is received by the public and practiced by other therapists. He is also the bluntest and most charismatic of the therapists I've seen, the New Jersey Jewish version of Robin Williams's irascible Boston character in “Good Will Hunting” — profane, charismatic, open about his own life, forged in his own story of pain. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
From Betrayed to Connected: Reclaiming Your Voice, Power & Relationships With Terry Real After infidelity, you don't just want to survive, you want to reclaim yourself, maybe your relationship, and thrive. Join Lora Cheadle, infidelity recovery advocate, and believer that women do not need to stuck in the devastation of betrayal forever, alongside renowned relationship therapist Terry Real, as they challenge misconceptions, cut through the noise, and help you take back your power. In this episode, Terry Real breaks down why traditional therapy often fails betrayed partners, the difference between individual and relational empowerment, and how to advocate for yourself without getting stuck in blame or resentment. Whether you're staying or leaving, you'll learn to transform your pain into a catalyst for joy, confidence, and the life you truly deserve. Top 3 Takeaways: Infidelity is a trauma, not a failure. Your pain is real, and healing starts with acknowledging the depth of your experience. Healing is about transformation, not just survival. The goal isn't returning to what was—it's creating something better, whether with or without your partner. Empowerment is relational, not individual. True healing comes when you reclaim your voice, set boundaries, and cultivate relationships that support your growth. Tune in weekly for insights, expert interviews, and real-world tools to help you rise, reign, and reclaim your worth. Ready to heal your body and mind after betrayal? Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com and book a complimentary 30-minute consultation with Lora today! About Terry Real: The author of four books, including the recent New York Times bestseller Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, Terry knows how to lead people on a step-by-step journey to greater intimacy and personal fulfillment. His revolutionary approach to couples therapy, Relational Life Therapy, underpins all his books, courses, and teachings. RLT equips people with the powerful relational skills they need to make love work and cultivate authentic connections—to themselves, each other, and the planet as a whole. A former senior faculty member of the Family Institute of Cambridge in Massachusetts and a retired Clinical Fellow of the Meadows Institute in Arizona, Terry has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and fellow therapists. His extraordinary ability to save couples on the brink of divorce garnered Terry the reputation of “the turnaround guy,” and demand from other therapists to learn his RLT method skyrocketed. To bring the remarkable results of RLT to as many people as possible, Terry established his Relational Life Institute. To date, thousands of mental health practitioners have benefited from a whole new perspective on couples therapy that has transformed their clients, their practice, and their own relationships. Perhaps you're looking for guidance on how to restore closeness in your relationship, or maybe you're currently single but looking to learn the skills to build healthier connections. Either way, you're in the right place. Here, you'll find a wealth of resources—from free resources to online courses, all designed to help you forge healthy, fulfilling relationships that last a lifetime. Special Announcement! Don't miss Lora Cheadle's new book, "It's Not Burnout, It's Betrayal: 5 Tools to FUEL UP & Thrive," This essential guide differentiates between burnout and betrayal, offering five transformative steps to recovery. Available on Amazon. www.itsnotburnoutitsbetrayal.com Get your free downloadable guide on the “The Top Three Ways You Betray Yourself Every Day, and How to Stop” at www.burnoutorbetrayal.com. If you're ready to Rise Up & Reign as the creator and queen of your life, let's talk. I will walk by your side and give you the perspective, permission, and wisdom needed to turn your betrayal experience into something constructive, empowering, and transformative in all the right ways. Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social! Download your Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again. About Lora: Lora Cheadle is a betrayal recovery coach, attorney, and TEDx speaker who helps women heal from betrayal on an energetic, emotional, and ancestral level—while also providing legal guidance to help them navigate the practical complexities of infidelity and relationship transitions. She empowers women to rise from the ashes, reclaim their identity and self-worth, break free from repeating patterns, and step into their power with confidence, clarity, and grace. After being shattered by her husband's fifteen years of infidelity, Lora knows firsthand what it takes to transform devastation into an invitation for healing, freedom, and joy. Her unique approach blends deep emotional healing with tangible legal and life strategies, guiding women beyond betrayal into lives of unapologetic confidence and purpose. As the founder of Life Choreography Coaching & Advocacy, Lora provides comprehensive legal, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual support on demand. She believes that infidelity doesn't have to be the end of the dream you poured your heart and soul into—it can be the beginning of a life filled with sovereignty, connection, and joy. Licensed to practice law in California and Colorado, Lora is also a trauma-aware coach, clinical hypnotherapist, somatic attachment therapist, and advanced integrated energy practitioner. She is certified in yoga, mindfulness, group fitness, and personal training, bringing a holistic perspective to healing. She is the author of FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy, & Spiritual Self (an International Book Awards Finalist and Tattered Cover Bestseller) and It's Not Burnout, It's Betrayal: 5 Tools to FUEL UP & Thrive. She also hosts the podcast FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal. Based in Colorado, Lora is an adventure-seeker who loves travel, a great book, and saying yes to life's magic. Get the support you need to find your footing, begin making sense of it all, and feel better fast. As an attorney, betrayal recovery expert, and survivor of infidelity I can help you find the clarity and confidence to create a life that you love on the other side of betrayal. Book Your Session Here: https://calendly.com/loras-schedule/coaching-session Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT READY TO START A BETTER CHAPTER? Step into the future you've always dreamed of with the power of transformative rituals with the Mindful Subscription Box. Get a monthly box full of crystals, aromatherapy, and other spiritual tools worth $120. You deserve high-quality gems, crystals, oils, and mindfulness tools for self-care that truly work. It's a monthly dose of self-love delivered right to your door! 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For my recent New York Times Magazine article on my experience of doing couples therapy with noted therapist Terry Real, I interviewed Terry's old friend and former collaborator Carol Gilligan. This is an edited version of that conversation, which is in part about Terry but also more broadly about issues of gender roles and relationships, patriarchy and politics.Gilligan, now in her 80s, is probably best known for her landmark 1982 book In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development, which proposed a new model of early psychological development that distinguished between how boys and girls develop.She's since written a host of other books, including The Birth of Pleasure: A New Map of Love; Meeting at the Crossroads: Women's Psychology and Girls' Development; Women, Girls and Psychotherapy: Reframing Resistance; and most recently Why does patriarchy persist? and Darkness now visible: patriarchy's resurgence and feminist resistance.I wrote about Gilligan and Real in a recent post on this Substack, describing how they met and ended up collaborating:“I think there's a deep love of men in Terry,” says the feminist psychologist Carol Gilligan, who first met Real in the late 1990s, after she positively reviewed his book on male depression, I Don't Want to Talk About It, in The New York Times. Gilligan had just returned to the US from England to accept a chair in gender studies at Harvard, and Real was teaching and practicing nearby at a family therapy institute in Cambridge. She was invited to visit the institute, and while there she observed Real, through a one way mirror, working with a married couple. She was struck by the intensity of his therapeutic presence, and by the way that his confrontation of men was able to simultaneously draw in both halves of the couple.“I hadn't seen a therapist who had the ability Terry had to talk with men,” she says, “and to name what was going on. I think men could hear it, and I would watch the woman, and her eyes would open wide: 'Oh my god, somebody's saying it.'”Soon Gilligan and Real began seeing couples together. At the time, Gilligan was also working with psychologist Judy Chu on a project observing four-year-old boys in pre-school. What she and Chu ended up charting was a kind of inverse of the psychological stunting process that Gilligan had identified in her earlier, groundbreaking work on the development of girls. Where girls, beginning in adolescence, would often suppress their “masculine” assertiveness and voice, boys, at age four or so, would begin to suppress their “feminine” capacities to perceive and respond to the internal states of themselves and others. Under pressure from their peers and parents, they'd begin to go emotionally dumb. Gilligan wondered if many of the romantic conflicts faced by adult couples were rooted in these parallel failures of development, and whether one could heal adult relationships by bringing these earlier selves into relation to each other in therapy.“Where was the emotionally honest 11-year-old girl who said what she saw and felt?” she says. “And where was that emotionally intelligent four-year-old boy from my studies with boys who would say things like, 'Mommy, why do you smile when you're sad?' I thought: if you could get these two people in the room, they could work out the problems in the relationship.”We talk about her work with Terry, her work with fathers of young boys, early psychological development, her take on Terry's approach to working with me, and much more. It's a relatively brief, but I think quite rich, conversation. Get full access to Eminent Americans at danieloppenheimer.substack.com/subscribe
For this episode, I'm doing something a bit different. I'm featuring five chapters from the audiobook Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real. What you will hear in this episode will help you identify both your and your partner's losing strategies in relationships, and help you move from disharmony to repair. Terry is the creator of Relational Life Therapy, or RLT, which underpins all his books, courses, and teachings and equips people with the powerful relational skills they need to make love work. He is also the author of five books, including the New York Times bestseller Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. And if you'd like an extra dose of calm, I recommend checking out Henry Shukman, a past podcast guest and one of only a few dozen masters in the world authorized to teach Sanbo Zen. Henry's app, The Way, has changed my life. I've been using it daily, often twice a day, and it's lowered my anxiety more than I thought possible. For 30 free sessions, just visit thewayapp.com/tim. No credit card required.Excerpted from Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with LOVE by Terry Real (Sounds True, 2018.). Used with permission.*For show notes and past guests on The Tim Ferriss Show, please visit tim.blog/podcast.For deals from sponsors of The Tim Ferriss Show, please visit tim.blog/podcast-sponsorsSign up for Tim's email newsletter (5-Bullet Friday) at tim.blog/friday.For transcripts of episodes, go to tim.blog/transcripts.Discover Tim's books: tim.blog/books.Follow Tim:Twitter: twitter.com/tferriss Instagram: instagram.com/timferrissYouTube: youtube.com/timferrissFacebook: facebook.com/timferriss LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/timferrissPast guests on The Tim Ferriss Show include Jerry Seinfeld, Hugh Jackman, Dr. Jane Goodall, LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Jamie Foxx, Matthew McConaughey, Esther Perel, Elizabeth Gilbert, Terry Crews, Sia, Yuval Noah Harari, Malcolm Gladwell, Madeleine Albright, Cheryl Strayed, Jim Collins, Mary Karr, Maria Popova, Sam Harris, Michael Phelps, Bob Iger, Edward Norton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Neil Strauss, Ken Burns, Maria Sharapova, Marc Andreessen, Neil Gaiman, Neil de Grasse Tyson, Jocko Willink, Daniel Ek, Kelly Slater, Dr. Peter Attia, Seth Godin, Howard Marks, Dr. Brené Brown, Eric Schmidt, Michael Lewis, Joe Gebbia, Michael Pollan, Dr. Jordan Peterson, Vince Vaughn, Brian Koppelman, Ramit Sethi, Dax Shepard, Tony Robbins, Jim Dethmer, Dan Harris, Ray Dalio, Naval Ravikant, Vitalik Buterin, Elizabeth Lesser, Amanda Palmer, Katie Haun, Sir Richard Branson, Chuck Palahniuk, Arianna Huffington, Reid Hoffman, Bill Burr, Whitney Cummings, Rick Rubin, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Darren Aronofsky, Margaret Atwood, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Thiel, Dr. Gabor Maté, Anne Lamott, Sarah Silverman, Dr. Andrew Huberman, and many more.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
After infidelity, you don't just want to survive—you want to reclaim yourself, maybe your relationship, and thrive. Join Lora Cheadle, infidelity recovery advocate, and believer that women do not need to stuck in the devastation of betrayal forever, alongside renowned relationship therapist Terry Real, as they challenge misconceptions, cut through the noise, and help you take back your power. In this episode, Terry Real breaks down why traditional therapy often fails betrayed partners, the difference between individual and relational empowerment, and how to advocate for yourself without getting stuck in blame or resentment. Whether you're staying or leaving, you'll learn to transform your pain into a catalyst for joy, confidence, and the life you truly deserve. Top 3 Takeaways: Infidelity is a trauma, not a failure. Your pain is real, and healing starts with acknowledging the depth of your experience. Healing is about transformation, not just survival. The goal isn't returning to what was—it's creating something better, whether with or without your partner. Empowerment is relational, not individual. True healing comes when you reclaim your voice, set boundaries, and cultivate relationships that support your growth. Tune in weekly for insights, expert interviews, and real-world tools to help you rise, reign, and reclaim your worth.
Valentine's Day, for most people, is a day to celebrate love. For the more neurotic among us, we might be inclined to spend the day analytically dissecting our romantic lives and partnerships. There are conflicting truths about modern relationships: we have to accept that our partners are special, sacred and worth fighting for; and, at the same time, that modern marriage was never meant to be like this. Throughout history, our co-parents, best friends, cooks, nannies and confidants were different people; today, we expect everything from our partner. It's no surprise that couples therapy has risen dramatically, and that the shifting role of men in society—more depressed, anxious and lonely—has played a role in this. Daniel Oppenheimer knows this well. The writer and podcaster recently published a lengthy personal feature in the New York Times Magazine, "How I Learned That the Problem in My Marriage Was Me", in which he details undergoing couples therapy quasi-publicly with the acclaimed therapist Terry Real. He joins Bonjour Chai, our weekly current affairs show, to discuss the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions and the complexities of modern masculinity—especially through the lens of Jewish identity. Credits Hosts: Avi Finegold and Phoebe Maltz Bovy (@BovyMaltz) Production team: Joe Fish (producer & editor), Michael Fraiman (executive producer) Music: Socalled Support The CJN Subscribe to the Bonjour Chai Substack Subscribe to The CJN newsletter Donate to The CJN (+ get a charitable tax receipt) Subscribe to Bonjour Chai (Not sure how? Click here)
Zach and Laura interview Dr. Terry and Belinda Berman-Real M.A., diving deep into their personal relationship dynamics and the lessons learned through years of couples therapy and individual healing. The conversation touches on themes of sobriety, trauma, recovery, and the power of relational healing. Zach starts by sharing his journey through recovery and how it has influenced his marriage, while Belinda and Terry provide insights into their own marriage, particularly how they overcame significant challenges stemming from trauma and emotional reactivity. They discuss the importance of repairing relationships through honest, sometimes painful, confrontation and how they've evolved from fighting for survival to fighting for love and connection. One of the major takeaways is Terry's explanation of the concept of "harmony, disharmony, and repair," emphasizing that no relationship is free from conflict, but the key lies in learning how to repair after the inevitable disruptions. Belinda adds that their journey has been one of learning to regulate themselves and each other in ways that foster love and security, rather than reactivity and defense. They reflect on the impact of their trauma histories and how these experiences not only shaped their early relationship struggles but also led them to profound personal growth. Throughout the episode, Terry and Belinda share real-life stories, making this episode a rich blend of personal insight and professional expertise. Episode Highlights: Sobriety and Growth: Zach reflects on his sobriety journey and how it has paralleled his growth as a partner, highlighting the importance of personal transformation in maintaining a healthy relationship. Trauma and Its Lasting Effects: Terry and Belinda share how their childhood trauma impacted their early relationship, focusing on the process of moving from emotional reactivity to emotional regulation. The Art of Repair: Terry introduces the idea of "harmony, disharmony, and repair," explaining that relationships aren't about avoiding conflict but learning to repair after conflict in order to strengthen connection. Partners in Recovery: Belinda and Terry discuss how they see themselves as "partners in recovery," constantly working on themselves and their relationship to break free from their old patterns and build something stronger. Fighting for Connection, Not Survival: The couple explains how their marriage has transitioned from fighting for survival to fighting for love, and the role that therapy, honesty, and self-awareness have played in that shift. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Send us a textSometimes it is hard to believe we are on the same planet, witnessing the same things as our partner but ending up with very different perspectives. Kristy and Jerry consider the "space between" and consider how best to handle differences about "Reality" when it comes to life in the here-and-now with a partner.
Send us a textExplore the transformative power of Relational Life Therapy (RLT) and how it can help couples break free from unhealthy patterns to foster deeper connections. Risa Ganel discusses how the adaptive child, systemic changes, and a focus on second-order change can reshape relationships for lasting benefit. • RLT emphasizes systemic connections in relationships • Differentiates between first-order and second-order change • Focus on nurturing the ‘adaptive child' for emotional growth • Importance of personal accountability and choice in relationships • The role of communication in nourishing intimacy • Opportunities for couples' growth through bootcamps and workshopsCheck out Risa's Bootcamps here: https://www.togethercouplescounseling.comFind an RLT Therapist or Coach here: https://directory.relationallife.com/Book a FREE Relationship Breakthrough call with me here: https://tidycal.com/onthebrightersideoflife/call
In this episode of Drive Time Debrief, Amanda, Laura, and Kendra tackle the often-overlooked emotion of contempt and its significant impact on physicians, relationships, and the culture of care in medicine. Drawing on insights from Brené Brown's Atlas of the Heart and Terry Real's work on grandiosity and shame, they explore how contempt—whether directed outwardly or inwardly—fosters disconnection and damages well-being. The hosts share strategies to recognize, address, and move beyond contempt, helping physicians cultivate connection, empathy, and a wholehearted approach to their work and relationships. What You'll Learn in This Episode What Is Contempt? Defined as a mix of anger and disgust, often with a sense of superiority. Described by Brené Brown as “the I'm better than you emotion.” Different from anger, contempt creates disconnection and dehumanization. How Contempt Shows Up in Medicine In interactions with patients, colleagues, and even ourselves. Outward contempt: grandiosity (e.g., judgment, dismissal). Inward contempt: shame (e.g., self-criticism, feelings of inadequacy). Examples: labeling patients, gossiping, or berating oneself after a mistake. The Impact of Contempt Outward contempt damages relationships and trust. Inward contempt leads to shame, burnout, and isolation. Affects team dynamics, patient care, and personal well-being. Breaking the Cycle of Contempt Practice Curiosity: Ask, “What's going on here?” instead of judging. Name It to Tame It: Label the emotion (e.g., “I'm feeling superior” or “I'm being judgy”). Cultivate Empathy and Compassion: Replace criticism with understanding and self-kindness. Use Humility to Soften Grandiosity: Listen to others, validate contributions, and normalize vulnerability. Engage in Self-Reflection: Journaling, coaching, or therapy can uncover patterns of contempt. Building a Culture of Respect in Medicine Model Vulnerability: Normalize imperfection and create safety for others to do the same. Address Contempt Gently: Call out harmful behaviors with care and respect. Prioritize Psychological Safety: Foster an environment where team members feel safe to speak up. Key Takeaways: Contempt, a hidden driver of stress and disconnection, has two extremes: outward grandiosity and inward shame. Small, intentional steps—like practicing self-compassion and empathy—can shift us toward healthier, more connected ways of living and working. By modeling respect, humility, and self-awareness, physicians can influence the culture of medicine for the better. Resources Mentioned: Brené Brown's Atlas of the Heart Terry Real's work on grandiosity and shame The Four Horsemen research by John and Julie Gottman Don't Miss Our Free Video: Check out our free resource, How to Crush Physician Burnout for Good Without Cutting Back Hours, Quitting Medicine, or Sucking It Up in Silence. Click the link in the show notes to access it today. Stay Connected: We'd love to hear your thoughts or experiences related to this episode. Email us at podcast@thewholephysician.com. If you found this episode helpful, please leave a 5-star review and share it with a colleague—it helps us amplify our ripple effect! You are whole. You are a gift to medicine. The work you do matters. Next Episode: Tune in as we explore Empathy vs. Sympathy. See you then! Resources: Atlas of the Heart Terry Real How to Crush Physician Burnout for Good
Exploring Terry Real's Us: Healing Through Connection and Recognizing the Inner Child Episode Summary: In this episode, Amanda, Laura, and Kendra continue their mini-series based on Terry Real's book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. The focus is on recognizing how the "adaptive child" shows up in relationships, understanding the concept of relational trauma, and learning how to move toward healthier, more connected relationships. This deep dive explores the impact of past experiences on present behaviors and how to intentionally shift away from maladaptive patterns. What You'll Learn in This Episode: Understanding the Adaptive Child: How childhood coping mechanisms develop to protect us. Why these mechanisms often sabotage adult relationships. Identifying when your adaptive child is triggered. Trauma and Its Effects: The difference between Big T Trauma and Little t trauma. How even good parents can unintentionally pass down wounds. The concept of relational trauma and its generational impact. The Relationship Grid: Terry Real's trauma and relationship grid explained. How grandiosity, boundaries, and self-esteem interact in relationships. Recognizing where you tend to fall on the grid during conflict. Practical Strategies for Healing and Growth: How to nurture your inner child and develop your wise adult self. Tools to help you shift from reactive states to a place of connection. The importance of intentionality in countering society's individualistic bias. Key Quotes: "The only person who can consistently nurture and support your inner child is you." "Real maturity comes when we tend to our inner children ourselves and don't inflict them on our partners to care for." "Awareness is the first step to change. Once you become aware of your tendencies, the threshold for healthier relationships becomes lower." Actionable Takeaways: Reflect on your adaptive child's tendencies by asking: Who did I see this from? Who did it to me? Who did I do it to, and no one stopped me? Practice recognizing triggers and responding with grace and self-compassion. Use Terry Real's relationship grid to identify patterns and set goals for moving toward the center of health in relationships. Resources Mentioned: Terry Real's book: Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Episode 135: How to Do Repairs with Your Children. Free video: How to Crush Physician Burnout for Good Without Cutting Back Hours, Quitting Medicine, or Sucking Up in Silence – Click Here to Watch. Link to the Relationship Grid. Get Involved: Share your insights and experiences! Email us at podcast@thewholephysician.com. Leave us a 5-star review with a sentence or two—your feedback helps other doctors find us and builds our community. Closing Notes: You are whole, you are a gift to medicine, and the work you do matters. Until next time, remember that healing and connection are always possible. If you found this episode valuable, don't forget to subscribe and share it with a friend who might benefit! Resources: Link to Grid Link to Us Book Link to Free Session Link to Free Video
Send us a textGot holidays? Then you need moxie to get through them. The expectations, the standards, and the idealized version of the season can wear us down. Not anymore! This episode of Main Street Moxie with Sara Cousins is here to help you celebrate the holidays in line with your values and priorities, leaving you saner and less depleted as you enter 2025. Sara shares strategies and techniques to help us hold space for ourselves while finding connection with others during this holiday season and throughout the year.Sara is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience in private practice in Lakeville, Connecticut. For a decade, she's been the go-to mental health professional for Main Street Magazine.Sara's diverse career journey has taken her from working with Inuit youth in Alaska to serving communities through the Susan B. Anthony Project in Torrington, Harlem Hospital in Manhattan, and Victim Services of NYC. Across all her roles, she has been inspired by the resilience and vulnerability of the people she has served.Specializing in relational and couples therapy, Sara has been trained by renowned experts, including Esther Perel, Tara Brach, Orna Guralnik, Terry Real, John Gottman, and Harville Hendrix. She is also deeply committed to mindfulness and meditation, drawing on over 20 years of training with Mingyur Rinpoche. She has attended workshops and trainings with Pema Chödrön, Jack Kornfield, and Tim Olmsted.Outside her professional life, Sara embraces new challenges and adventures. She recently joined the Norfolk Curling Club to try curling, a sport much more challenging and painful than it looks on TV!This episode of Main Street Moxie is proudly sponsored by Main Street Magazine.Support the show
In this episode, Amanda, Laura, and Kendra discuss winning strategies to improve relationships based on the work of renowned marriage therapist Terry Real. They explore how to move away from reactive, self-protective behaviors (losing strategies) and adopt proactive, compassionate approaches to foster deeper connection, trust, and resilience. Key Takeaways: 1. Shift from Complaint to Request: - Replace complaints with specific, actionable requests. - Example: Instead of "You never help with chores," say, "Would you be willing to handle dishes on weekdays so I can focus on other chores?" - Honoring your partner's ability to choose fosters cooperation. 2. Speak to Repair with Love and Respect: - Approach conflict resolution with empathy, scheduling focused discussions (e.g., a 10-minute repair conversation). - Use Terry Real's *Feedback Wheel*: - Share what you saw/heard, what it triggered, how you felt, and what you need. - Let go of the outcome to prioritize understanding over "winning." 3. Listen with Compassion: - Listen to understand, not to counter. - Acknowledge your partner's feelings, even if you don't agree. - Example: "I understand why this feels overwhelming to you." 4. Empower Each Other: - Reinforce teamwork by appreciating contributions. - Offer support when making requests: “Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?” - Share responsibilities and explore compromises to create balance. 5. Cherish Each Other: - Practice daily acts of appreciation and positive feedback. - Schedule regular quality time together (e.g., weekly date nights). - Engage in meaningful activities together, like volunteering, to strengthen your bond. **Actionable Challenge:** Choose one winning strategy this week to practice with your partner. Reflect on its impact on your relationship and consider building from there. Resources Mentioned: - Terry Real's book: Us- Free Video: How to Crush Physician Burnout for Good Without Cutting Back Hours or Quitting Medicine. Final Thoughts:Relationships require effort, but intentional actions like these are investments in a fulfilling partnership. Start small and see the difference! If you found value in this episode, leave us a review and share it with someone who could benefit. Until next time, remember: You are whole, you are a gift, and the work you do matters. If you'd like a complimentary chat with a physician coach, click the link to book a physician wellness triage session.
Welcome back to the podcast! Today, we're diving into *Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship* by Terrence Real. This book has left a deep impact on all three of us, Amanda, Laura, and Kendra, and we're excited to share key insights on how to foster deeper connections in relationships. 1. The Three Selves in Relationships Terrence Real introduces the concepts of the "Wounded Child," "Adaptive Child," and "Wise Adult" within us. Each part can impact our interactions, especially in times of stress. For example, when stress triggers the Adaptive Child, we might revert to defensive, perfectionistic, or rigid responses, limiting our ability to connect. 2. Moving Toward the Wise Adult The Wise Adult is the part of us capable of emotional regulation, grounded in the present moment, and focused on the “us” in relationships rather than just "me versus you." Practicing "relational mindfulness," as Real describes it, helps us move from reactionary behavior to thoughtful responses that prioritize the relationship. 3. Relational Mindfulness and Power Dynamics Real's approach encourages moving from a "power-over" to a "power-with" perspective. Relational mindfulness is about becoming aware of our own impulses and prioritizing the relationship ecosystem over individual needs. This doesn't mean neglecting personal needs but rather not letting those needs dominate interactions. 4. Relational Heroism Real's wife, Belinda, coined the term "relational heroism" for moments when, instead of defaulting to old habits, we choose connection and insight. This shift from automatic, defensive reactions to thoughtful, relational actions requires self-awareness and discipline. 5. Self-Responsibility and Maturity Maturity in relationships involves taking full responsibility for our actions and emotional triggers. This means acknowledging when we're operating from an adaptive, defensive place rather than our wise, grounded self. Understanding our reactions and managing triggers is essential for healthier connections. 6. Interpersonal Neurobiology Real touches on the science of how our central nervous system and relationships are deeply intertwined. Our early life experiences shape how we perceive intimacy and connection in adult relationships. Relationships are meant to be a source of co-regulation, enhancing our physical and emotional well-being. 7. The Importance of Connection Real discusses “Social Baseline Theory,” which emphasizes the evolutionary benefits of social connections. These connections help us conserve energy, regulate emotions, and mitigate risk. This need for connection is evident in research on loneliness and isolation, underscoring the importance of close, supportive relationships. 8. Understanding Subjective Reality Real emphasizes that subjective experience is often more important than objective facts. Accepting your partner's perception of reality can improve understanding and reduce conflict, shifting from a “me versus you” mentality to an “us” mindset. 9. The Framework of Connection True intimacy is built through awareness of each other's needs, emotions, and triggers. Individuality has its place, but lasting relationships thrive on mutual understanding, shared values, and a focus on connection over competition. Additional Resources and Final Thoughts As we continue our journey through this book, we invite you to explore Real's work, available in his books, online resources, and YouTube videos. Thank you for joining us today—be sure to check out our new free video linked in the show notes. Remember, you are whole, your gift to medicine is unique, and the work you do matters. https://www.amazon.com/Us-Getting-Build-Loving-Relationship/dp/0593233670 https://terryreal.com/ https://www.youtube.com/@realterryreal Check out our new video, "How to Crush Physician Burnout for Good, without Quitting Medicine, Cutting Back Hours, or Sucking it Up in Silence"-click here!
In today's episode, we're diving into the second part of our series on “Losing Strategies” in relationships. We explore how certain behaviors undermine connection, create emotional distance, and hinder growth, drawing insights from renowned therapists Terry Real and Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. We begin with a quick recap of the first episode and then introduce five additional “losing strategies” that can be detrimental to relationships: 1. Playing the Victim – Recognizing the disempowerment in victimhood and how it can impact both personal and relational growth.2. Defensiveness – How defending ourselves undermines trust and prevents honest communication.3. Blaming – Shifting responsibility onto others as a way of avoiding self-reflection, creating a hostile environment.4. Scorekeeping – Keeping track of every wrong and using it as ammunition during conflicts, which prevents forgiveness and encourages resentment.5. Emotional Blackmail and Stonewalling – Emotional manipulation and shutting down emotionally to avoid discomfort, which erodes safety, trust, and connection. We also offer practical strategies to counter these behaviors, such as practicing gratitude, setting personal boundaries, and recognizing self-authorship. We remind listeners that these strategies are meant for self-reflection, not to be used as a tool for changing others. Finally, we discuss the importance of winning strategies that foster intimacy and growth, including empathy, active listening, and healthy conflict resolution. We'll explore these more in an upcoming episode. Resources Mentioned:- *I Don't Want to Talk About It* by Terry Real- *Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship* by Terry Real- Insight into “self-authorship” from Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife If you found value in today's episode, please consider leaving a five-star review. This helps other doctors find our podcast and extends our reach. Also, don't miss our free video, *How to Crush Physician Burnout for Good Without Cutting Back Hours, Quitting Medicine, or Sucking It Up in Silence.* You can find the link in the show notes. Thank you for tuning in! Remember, you are whole, you are a gift to medicine, and the work you do truly matters. www.thewholephysician.com
Do you two feel like roommates? Or cost-sharing-associates?Have you and your partner drifted into feeling more like roommates than lovers?Just co-parents?Or “cost-sharing-associates?”It's easy for the initial spark to dim as time passes, but rekindling it is possible.This quick episode talks about how to reconnect and feel love again.I also share why you two have drifted apart, how to break the cycle of disconnection, and how couples therapists help couples do just that.One of our favorite quotes from Terry Real is:“Intimacy is not something you have, but something you do.”I share how you two can intentionally foster intimacy and how you can be that passionate couple again!This blog inspired this episode.
Losing Strategies in Relationships In this episode, Amanda, Laura, and Kendra dive into the first of two episodes on losing strategies in relationships, focusing on behaviors that harm intimacy and connection. Drawing from the work of renowned therapist Terry Real and psychologist Dr. Jennifer Finlayson Fife, the hosts break down five common maladaptive strategies that people often use, thinking they will give them more power in relationships. However, these strategies ultimately damage trust and closeness. Laura introduces the topic, sharing insights from her relationship coaching certification with Terry Real. She explains how these losing strategies—many of which are ingrained in us from childhood—can become habits that undermine relationships, particularly in the high-stress environment of medicine. The five losing strategies discussed in this episode are: 1. Being Right: Focusing on winning an argument at the expense of the other person's feelings or perspective. The hosts share the idea that "do you want to be right, or do you want to stay married?" and stress the importance of empathy and understanding over proving a point. 2. Controlling: Covert control can manifest through withholding information or micromanaging, often under the guise of "keeping the peace." The hosts explore how this undermines mutual respect and fuels resentment. 3. Unbridled Self-Expression: Venting every emotion without considering the other person's needs or the timing of the conversation. This often leads to emotional overwhelm and distancing. 4. Retaliation: Reacting to hurt by trying to hurt the other person in return. This tit-for-tat behavior creates a toxic cycle of resentment and emotional distance. 5. Withdrawal: Shutting down emotionally or physically to avoid conflict or vulnerability. The hosts explore how this leads to unresolved issues and emotional disconnection. The episode ends with a reminder to reflect on these strategies in ourselves rather than using them to criticize our partners. The hosts emphasize the importance of self-awareness, empathy, and active listening as foundational steps toward improving relationships. Additional Resources Check out the free video "How to Crush Physician Burnout for Good" in the show notes. Learn evidence-based strategies to overcome burnout without cutting back hours, quitting medicine, or "sucking it up" in silence. Tune in next time for part two, where the hosts will continue this important conversation with more losing strategies and introduce some winning ones! How to Crush Physician Burnout (for Good)-free video https://terryreal.com/ US book (must read) https://www.finlayson-fife.com
What's the common link between workaholism, greed, and love addiction? Does your sense of self worth go up and down like a rollercoaster? And is there more to life than protecting our egos? If you're like everyone else on the planet, then you've probably struggled with feeling “enough.” Today Alyson and I dive under the hood to discuss Terry Real's unhealthy forms of self-esteem so that we can all understand what kills our true confidence. https://www.thenewmanpodcast.com/2024/10/workaholism-greed-love-addiction COACHING → To learn more about coaching with Tripp Lanier visit https://TrippLanier.com → To learn more about working with Alyson Lanier visit https://AlysonLanier.com BOOK → We live in a world with more possibilities than ever before. So why do most men settle for lackluster, cookie-cutter lives that leave them feeling stuck, drained, and uninspired? _This Book Will Make You Dangerous_ is a guide for the rare, few men who refuse to sleepwalk through life. → Visit https://TrippLanier.com/book
When a marriage experiences challenges, there are a set of predictable positions each person holds that create conflict, disconnection and dysfunction. In this episode I'm taking you inside a concept I first learned about from world-renown couple's therapist Terry Real and sharing with you 4 common relational positions that perpetuate marital issues.Knowing where you and your partner fall on each of these is incredibly important data to have in order to shift things in a more position direction.The positive changes you are wanting to see start with an awareness of exactly where you keep getting stuck, followed by concrete steps to break your cycles, and create new healthier patterns of interacting.As you listen to this episode, identify where you are, and where your partner falls.Then I invite you to schedule a complimentary consultation call with me to learn more about the productive changes that can be made to move your marriage into one that is healthier, happier and more fulfilling.You can book your call with me here: https://drchavonne.com/work-with-me/
In this episode, Andrea explores the concept of changing your mind, its challenges, and benefits. She shares a story about Terry Real, a well-known therapist, who publicly retracted a previous statement, demonstrating humility and growth. Andrea discusses common obstacles like cognitive biases and the sunk-cost fallacy, which prevent individuals from being open to change. Highlighting the importance of personal growth and integrity, she encourages listeners to be curious, seek diverse perspectives, and embrace flexibility in decision-making. By sharing her personal experience of navigating challenging decisions during her first marriage, Andrea illustrates that changing one's mind, when aligned with personal integrity and transformation, can lead to empowerment and growth. Listeners are encouraged to challenge existing beliefs for deeper personal development. In this episode: Today's Topic: Changing Your Mind Personal Story: An Email from Terry Real Why It's Hard to Change Our Minds The Benefits of Changing Your Mind How to Change Your Mind Becoming More Open to Change More from Andrea: Free Masterclass: How to Get Your Life Back After Infidelity ... Whether You Stay or Go: https://portal.andreagiles.com/gylb-webinar Apply to join the "Get Your Life Back After Infidelity" group program here: https://portal.andreagiles.com/get-your-life-back-application Follow on Instagram at: https://www.instagram.com/theinfidelitycoach/ Please click the button to subscribe so you don't miss any episodes and leave a review if your favorite podcast app has that ability. Thank you! For transcripts and other available downloads, please visit Andrea's website at https://andreagiles.com/podcast/ © 2020 - 2024 Andrea Giles
Send us a textEpisode 156 – How to Take a Time Out That Really WorksWhen you get emotionally flooded, that is a signal you need a time out!This week's episode outlines Terry Real's 10 New Rules of Time Out1. The time out is a circuit breaker2. Take your time out from the “I” position.3. Take distance responsibly.4. Use the phrase “time out” or gesture the T signal with your hands. 5. Don't let yourself get stopped.6. Use check-ins at prescribed intervals.7. Remember the goal. 8. Return in good faith. 9. Have a 24-hour moratorium on the original topic.10. Know when, where, and how to get help. Get some help from TinaIf you are feeling stuck, not sure how what you're hearing on this podcast can work in your life and aren't quite sure how to create that future vision for yourself, let's talk. I offer a handful of free calls each month and they are snatched up quickly. Set up your free call today so you can feel better about what the future holds for you. CLICK HERE TO SET UP YOUR FREE CALL Tina Gosney is a certified life and relationship coach. She helps her clients move past contention in their homes and move into connection. It all begins with you and that's the best news ever, because that's the only person you have control over. You can be the person who directs your family to a new way of relating. Tina is a positivity practitioner and a trauma informed coach. Visit tinagosney.com for more information
In our latest podcast we chat with Relationship Expert, Author and Social Worker Terry Real! An internationally recognized family therapist and best-selling author, Real is dedicated to helping couples build lasting, loving relationships. With a revolutionary approach known as Relational Life Therapy (RLT), Terry equips individuals and couples with the skills needed for deeper intimacy and authentic connections, transforming both their personal lives and their relationships with others.
Send us a textJerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared.
Zach introduces Laura, his "little sister," and Julie Ruediger, his friend, mentor, and "big sister”. They discuss how they met, what they've learned from each other, and the work they are doing together this fall. Episode Highlights: Sibling Dynamics and Family Reunions: Zach introduces Julie, who immediately fits into the sibling-like rapport he shares with Laura. The trio dives into stories about family reunions, sibling rivalries, and the lighthearted teasing that defines their relationships. Saying Goodbye to Summer: Zach reflects on dropping his daughter Abi off at the airport and the mixed emotions of enjoying a peaceful home while missing her presence. The conversation touches on the challenges and joys of parenting young adults ready to spread their wings. Julie's Mentorship and Training with Zach: Julie shares her journey as a mentor at Terry Reals' Relational Life Institute, where she met Zach. They reminisce about their early training sessions, highlighting Zach's growth and talent as a teacher and therapist. Introduction to Relationship Boot Camps: Julie and Zach discuss the upcoming relationship boot camp they are co-facilitating in Philadelphia. They explain the boot camp's structure, purpose, and unique benefits, whether attending as a couple or an individual. The boot camp is designed to teach essential relationship skills in a condensed, intensive format, making therapeutic principles accessible and actionable. Understanding the Adaptive Child: The episode delves into the concept of the "adaptive child," a key idea in relational therapy that refers to the immature, reactive part of ourselves. Julie and Zach discuss how the boot camp helps participants recognize and manage this aspect of their personalities, enhancing personal growth and relationship satisfaction. Navigating Family Triggers: The conversation circles back to family dynamics, with Zach sharing a personal story about managing his temper during a summer visit with his daughter. Julie offers insights on how family relationships can often trigger our adaptive child and the importance of conscious, deliberate responses to these triggers. Resources mentioned in this episode: Relational Life Foundation (https://www.relationallifefoundation.org/) - This website provides information about various boot camps available throughout the year, particularly aimed at individuals who need financial aid or help to access these programs. Relational Life (https://relationallife.com/) - Similar to the foundation's website, this site offers details on relationship boot camps, with sections dedicated to both couples and therapists. You can find a list of available boot camps and other resources for relationship improvement. Terry Real (https://terryreal.com/) - Terry Real's website provides a comprehensive list of boot camps for both online and in-person formats, with sections tailored for couples and therapists. You can find schedules, locations, and registration details for various workshops across the country. Marriage Therapy Radio (https://marriagetherapyradio.com) – Find the links to all the boot camps conducted by Zach Brittle, including both online and in-person sessions. Julie Rudiger (https://www.julierudiger.com/) - Julie Rudiger's website provides a way for people to reach out to her directly with any questions about the boot camps or other relationship resources. It also hosts information on her workshops and professional services. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Thomas is joined by playwright, author, performer, activist, and creator of “The Vagina Monologues,” V (formerly Eve Ensler.) They discuss the profound impact of trauma and the power of healing through collective and community-based approaches. V shares her personal journey from a tumultuous childhood to becoming a global advocate for women's rights, emphasizing the transformative power of love, art, performance, and community in overcoming trauma and reckoning with the harms of patriarchy. They explore the revolutionary work of the City of Joy in Congo, and how its unique, supportive environment fosters healing and helps elevate women into community leaders. V's experiences in war zones and with victims of violence highlight the pervasive and normalized violence against women, influencing her life's mission to address this global issue. This conversation includes the topic of sexual abuse. While it is not the primary topic, and it is addressed with care and sensitivity, we wanted to offer this content warning for listeners who may not want to engage with this subject. ✨ Introducing Love, Trauma, and Relationships - a special course collaboration with Terry Real. Over 12 self-paced modules, you'll learn practices to heal past wounds and more deeply connect with yourself, your partner, and the world at large, allowing you to break down the barriers to true intimacy. Enjoy two complete, online courses from Thomas and couples therapy expert Terry Real.
Thomas is joined by filmmaker, philanthropist, and activist Abigail Disney. They discuss how Abigail's activism has been informed by the darker aspects of the Disney company and family legacy, and how that legacy is reflective of larger problems in American society. They also dive deep into the idea of moral injury, which arises when individuals are forced to act against their ethical values, leading to deep psychological and emotional wounds. She and Thomas explore how moral injury can result from systemic failures and the personal struggles of those in conflict zones. Abigail critiques the tendency to flatten historical figures into one-dimensional heroes or villains, arguing for a more nuanced understanding of their actions and legacies. She and Thomas agree on the need for collective healing processes to address the toxic impacts of hyper-individualism and the collective trauma of global conflicts. Abigail stresses the importance of remaining open to uncertainty, and advocates for humility and flexibility in addressing complex societal issues, suggesting that this approach is essential for building a more understanding and peaceful society. ✨ Introducing Love, Trauma, and Relationships - a special course collaboration with Terry Real. Over 12 self-paced modules, you'll learn practices to heal past wounds and more deeply connect with yourself, your partner, and the world at large, allowing you to break down the barriers to true intimacy. Enjoy two complete, online courses from Thomas and couples therapy expert Terry Real.
In this guided meditation, Thomas invites you to expand your awareness and tune in to the subtle light of your soul. ✨ Introducing Love, Trauma, and Relationships - a special course collaboration with Terry Real. Over 12 self-paced modules, you'll learn practices to heal past wounds and more deeply connect with yourself, your partner, and the world at large, allowing you to break down the barriers to true intimacy.
Thomas dives deep into the foundational principles of collective healing, exploring the challenges of individual healing and the profound benefits of healing from trauma within a safe and supportive group. He shares how the intimacy and closeness of group healing spaces enable participants to be more open and present, which facilitates a coherent and resonant experience for all involved. In these settings, the healing of the individual is amplified by the attention and emotional feedback of the group, and vice versa. Thomas also explores how this concept can be scaled up, and how what he calls “collective witnessing” could be the key to integrating and healing the wounds of the past so that our societies can imagine and create a better world for the future together. ✨ Introducing Love, Trauma, and Relationships - a special course collaboration with Terry Real. Over 12 self-paced modules, you'll learn practices to heal past wounds and more deeply connect with yourself, your partner, and the world at large, allowing you to break down the barriers to true intimacy. Enjoy two complete, online courses from Thomas and couples therapy expert Terry Real.
This week, Terry Real, renowned couples therapist and author “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship” reflects on the keys to building a successful long term relationship. In order to change inherited behaviors and dysfunction, Real cites his own struggle with family trauma and offers hope that with courage, discipline and hardwork change is indeed possible. This episode of Life Examined with Terry Real was originally broadcast June 23rd, 2024
Thomas is joined once again by New York Times bestselling author and the host of the podcast, Pulling the Thread, Elise Loehnen. They discuss the important work of reconnecting to our bodies, learning to fully embody our emotions—including anger—and what it takes to create safe spaces for difficult emotions to emerge and become integrated. Elise shares personal insights about grounding and releasing anger, and the powerful healing potential of setting honest boundaries. She and Thomas explore how increasing our inner resourcing and individual capacity for discomfort can help us detoxify wounds inherited from previous generations, bring us closer to nature, and collectively reduce polarization in society. ✨ Join Thomas and couples therapy expert Terry Real for a free, LIVE event: Daring to Embrace Intimacy in a Fractured World On July 18, Thomas and Terry will come together to explore how trauma in our world creates a pressure cooker for our day-to-day relationships, and share tools and practices to help you shift from conflict to connection to heal your relationships—with yourself, your partner, and the world at large. Sign up for free here:
On this episode of Point of Relation, Thomas is joined by Christiana Figueres, an internationally recognized leader on global climate change. They discuss her extensive work in helping to create global regulatory frameworks around climate change, and how we can apply the power of our agency as a collective to work towards regeneration instead of creating more destruction. Christiana and Thomas observe how our individual healing processes mirror the social transformation humanity must undergo to address the climate crisis. They explore how we can fertilize the ground of possibility and see climate change not as an inevitable disaster, but as a portal for change and an opportunity to heal global injustices. ✨ Join Thomas and couples therapy expert Terry Real for a free, LIVE event: Daring to Embrace Intimacy in a Fractured World On July 18, Thomas and Terry will come together to explore how trauma in our world creates a pressure cooker for our day-to-day relationships, and share tools and practices to help you shift from conflict to connection to heal your relationships—with yourself, your partner, and the world at large. Sign up for free here:
After 30 years of experience counseling couples, therapist Terry Real reflects on what makes building a long-term relationship difficult and the skills needed to keep a partnership intact. Reals says that even with changing dynamics and non-traditional partnerships, the age-old problems still exist. “Despite all of the gender fluidity and all of the experimentation, a two-person paired-for-life, monogamous core, is still alive and well and extremely difficult.” The pressure is on to find that “perfect” someone, yet, despite the romantic “idealization” of coupledom, promoted by a booming dating and marriage industry, the reality is that most couples won’t last a decade together, much less a lifetime. The US Census Bureau reports that most marriages last on average 8 years. Real says the odds in the U.S. are that roughly 50% of all marriages will end in divorce - “the failure rate on marriage has hovered at about 40-50% for half a century.” The reason, Real explains, is that “we want to be lifelong lovers; we want long walks on the beach, we want heart-to-heart talks, great sex in our 60s and 70s but we don't have the skills to match this new ambition. We are trying to be lifelong lovers in a culture that does not cherish relationships.” We live in a society, Real argues, that asserts individualism. “We don't teach our sons and daughters and non-binary kids how to fight fair, how to stand up for yourself in a loving way. We don't teach the basic skills of relationships in this culture because we don't value it.” So what are the chances a couple has to beat the odds? What’s the key to staying together? According to Real, it’s “hard work” and “it’s very rare that people have the discipline.” Relationship skills need to be learned and practiced. Real suggests that “basic relationship skills [be] taught in elementary and junior high.” Real, who’s also the founder of the Relationship Life Institute and author of numerous books including most recently Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, talks specifically about the impact of inherited family pathologies. He advises the reopening of childhood trauma to heal old wounds; “Family pathology rolls from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children.” In his book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, author Terrance Real says “we don't teach the basic skills of relationship in this culture because we don't value it. We're supposed to just know how to do it and most long-term relationships crash and burn. The failure rate on marriage has hovered at about 40-50% for half a century.” Terry Real, pictured here, says “ you can have a superlative relationship if you're with a partner you love who is also in on the game and willing to do the work themselves. If both of you are willing to do that and you have the basic chemistry that drew you to each other to begin with,you can do it. But it's very rare that people have the discipline and the know-how to build it all.” Photo courtesy of Terrance Real at The Relational Life Institute Delve deeper into life, philosophy, and what makes us human by joining the Life Examined discussion group on Facebook.
Terry Real, renowned couples therapist and author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, shares insights and strategies on the building of long-term relationships in a society that values individualism and personal growth.
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