Podcast appearances and mentions of terry real

Zach sits down with Anna, a faculty member at the Relational Life Institute and one of his mentors, and her husband John, a self-described practitioner of life rather than therapy. Together, the three of them get into something that rarely happens on relationship podcasts: a real, textured, honest look at what it means to actually live relational principles inside a marriage, not just teach them.The episode turns on a fascinating contrast. Anna has been steeped in Relational Life Therapy for years, knows the language and the tools inside and out, and still finds herself slipping into covert control. John has no clinical training, no internet footprint, and no interest in marketing the work, but walks into every conversation with an intuitive grasp of what healthy relating requires. Zach presses both of them on this. What does doing the work actually mean when one partner has the vocabulary and the other just seems to live it? The answers are more interesting than either of them might have predicted.The centerpiece story is a moment from a joint retreat in Costa Rica, where Anna had to manage a minor household crisis back home without telling John what was happening. She kept things managed, kept things calm, and kept him in the dark, and then eventually had to reckon with the fact that her "helpfulness" had crossed over into exactly the pattern she spends her professional life helping couples dismantle. When she finally told him, his response was one of the most reparative moments she had experienced in their relationship. That single story opens into a much bigger conversation about the difference between protecting your partner and controlling the room, about what it costs to never let yourself be surprised by someone else's goodness.What sticks is this: the goal is not to never get off balance. It is to catch it sooner. Anna says it plainly and Zach echoes it with his now-running story about screaming at strangers in the Costco gas line. Nobody has figured this out. Nobody is immune. But some people are getting better at noticing, and this episode is 45 minutes of what that actually looks and sounds like in a real marriage.Key TakeawaysIntimacy requires level ground. You cannot have real closeness from a one-up or one-down position, whether that means superiority, caretaking, or control.Covert control often starts as kindness. What begins as "protecting" your partner can quietly become a way of managing your own anxiety about their reaction.Predicting a bad response can cost you a good one. When Anna stopped waiting for John to disappoint her and told him what was going on, she got one of the most reparative moments in their relationship.The work is not a destination you arrive at. It is the repeated, unglamorous act of noticing when you have drifted, and coming back.Doing the work is not the same as talking about the work. John's ability to intuit the relational principles without the clinical vocabulary challenges the assumption that people who read the books and say the right things are necessarily further along.How you show up solicits how your partner shows up. Bringing your grounded, adult self to an interaction invites the same from the person across from you. It is not a guarantee, but it raises the odds significantly."On a good day" is not the benchmark. The real growth shows up in what you do when it is a bad day and the old patterns are calling your name loudest.Repair is available more often than we let ourselves believe. The barrier is usually not the other person. It is the story we are already telling about how they are going to respond.Guest InfoAnna is a therapist, teacher, and faculty member at the Relational Life Institute. She is a practitioner and trainer in Relational Life Therapy, an approach developed by Terry Real. She references her use of RLT both in her clinical practice and in her own marriage. She is also Zach's mentor, a relationship he acknowledges directly during the episode.John is Anna's husband. He is not a clinician. He came to the relational principles through personal experience, yoga, mindfulness practice, and what he describes as a forced epiphany roughly a decade before this recording. His perspective as the non-therapist partner in a therapist-led framework is one of the central tensions the episode is built around.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On Gurvey's Law this week, Alan and Michelle welcome world-renowned, sought-after therapist and NY Times best-selling author Terry Real to the show. You don't want to miss hearing how Terry changes lives and repairs relationships.As an added bonus, Terry is offering our listeners a free course, the “Unstuck Workshop,” for FREE.Here is the link for access: https://terryreal.com/talkradio/

We are diving deep into the real reasons men are not doing their part in relationships, and exactly how you can help change that. Whether you want better sex, or for him to take on more of the mental load, or you want to know if you're even with the right person, or if the relationship is worth staying in, we're going to get into that today. I sit down with Zach Brittle, one of the only couples therapists in the entire world certified in both the Gottman method and Terry Real's Relational Life therapy. His work has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and Vanity Fair. Zach is so pragmatic and has really interesting advice on some of the trickiest issues out there. We also talk about what men secretly think and feel behind the scenes that they're not sharing, and we solve a ton of the real-life relationship struggles that you guys wrote in. 

Is society setting you up to fail in your marriage? World-renowned relationship therapist Terry Real sees a toxic culture of individualism troubling society at every level. We are told to strive for personal productivity and perfection, ignoring the fact that we exist in a web of crucial relationships. In this episode, Terry describes research showing that the mind exists in a social context, and that couples in fact co-regulate each other's nervous systems. Getting this right is very tricky, though, if you grew up without enough emotional support. The survival strategies that got you through childhood may, in fact, “torch your personal relationships”. Andrew and Terry discuss the five most common traps that can undermine your relationship:

Every conflict in your marriage gives you a choice: will you use it to deepen your connection and grow closer, or will you let it drive you further into resentment and disconnection? In this episode, we explore why genuine apologies are one of the most important repair tools in marriage. You'll learn the science behind why apologies work, what happens when we refuse them or give fake ones, the negative feedback loop that can trap couples in disconnection, and a practical four-step apology process you can start using immediately.We discuss John Gottman's research on repair, the difference between Masters and Disasters of relationships, Terry Real's losing strategies, and how small, sincere repairs can build a rich “culture of repair” in your marriage.Key Resources & Studies Mentioned:Apologies in Close Relationships: A Review of Theory and Research (2015) by Jarrett T. Lewis, Gilbert R. Parra, and Robert Cohen Journal of Family Theory & Review APA PsycNet LinkRefusing to Apologize Can Have Psychological Benefits (2013) by Tyler G. Okimoto and colleagues European Journal of Social PsychologyWhy Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner AmazonThe Gottman Institute – Research on repair attempts, culture of repair, Negative Sentiment Override, and emotional availability Gottman.comTerry Real's work on Relational Life Therapy and losing strategies (highly recommended: The New Rules of Marriage)Action Step:Try the four-step apology process the next time conflict arises. Notice how it feels and what it does for your connection.If this episode resonated with you, share it with your partner and leave a review. Let us know in the comments: What's one apology you're committed to making this week?Tags: Marriage Advice, Healthy Relationships, Apologies, Conflict Resolution, Gottman Method, Terry Real, Relationship Repair, Emotional IntelligenceGet in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/

You can listen wherever you get your podcasts or check out the fully edited transcript of our interview at the bottom of this post.In this episode of The Peaceful Parenting Podcast, my guest is Dr. Justin Coulson, an Australian parenting expert and father of 6 who has his PhD in psychology and is the author of 10 books on parenting and the co-host of the Happy Families podcast with his wife, Kylie. We discuss the psychology behind peaceful parenting, including how self-determination theory explains kids' challenging behavior. Dr. Justin also shared his three E's of discipline.Know someone who might appreciate this episode? Share it with them!And if you love the podcast, FREE ways to help us out:1- Rate and review the podcast in your podcast player app2- “Like” this post by tapping the heart icon ♥️3- Share this with a friend. THANK YOU!We talk about:* 1:45 – Introduction to Dr. Justin Coulson and his personal parenting turning pointHow struggles with anger and discipline led him to rethink everything and study psychology.* 08:20 – Learning to regulate ourselves, practicing repair, and growing over time.* 15:50 – Why peaceful parenting starts with the parent's self-awareness and regulation.* 19:50 – Understanding behavior through compassion and curiosity.* 20:50 – The HALTS frameworkHow hunger, anger, loneliness, tiredness, and stress impact children's behavior.* 23:00 – Self-determination theory and parenting* 33:00 – The 3 E's of Effective Discipline* 41:50 – How to use the 3 E's in everyday parenting moments.Real-life examples: screens, sibling conflict & collaboration* 49:00 – Building trust and the “goodwill bank” with kidsWhy collaborative parenting pays off when tough limits are needed.* 53:30 – Advice to his younger parenting self: “soft eyes”A powerful reflection on kindness, connection, and showing up with compassion.* 56:30 – Where to find Dr. Justin CoulsonHis podcast, books, and upcoming work on boys and healthy masculinity.Resources mentioned in this episode:* Dr. Justin's website and podcast* Yoto Screen Free Audio Book Player* The Peaceful Parenting Membership* Evelyn & Bobbie brasConnect with Sarah Rosensweet:* Instagram* Facebook Group* YouTube* Website* Join us on Substack* Newsletter* Book a short consult or coaching session callxx Sarah and CoreyYour peaceful parenting team- click here for a free short consult or a coaching sessionVisit our website for free resources, podcast, coaching, membership and more!>> Please support us!!! Please consider becoming a supporter to help support our free content, including The Peaceful Parenting Podcast, our free parenting support Facebook group, and our weekly parenting emails, “Weekend Reflections” and “Weekend Support” - plus our Flourish With Your Complex Child Summit (coming back in the summer for the 3rd year!) All of this free support for you takes a lot of time and energy from me and my team. If it has been helpful or meaningful for you, your support would help us to continue to provide support for free, for you and for others.In addition to knowing you are supporting our mission to support parents and children, you get the podcast ad free and access to a monthly ‘ask me anything' session.Our sponsors:YOTO: YOTO is a screen free audio book player that lets your kids listen to audiobooks, music, podcasts and more without screens, and without being connected to the internet. No one listening or watching and they can't go where you don't want them to go and they aren't watching screens. BUT they are being entertained or kept company with audio that you can buy from YOTO or create yourself on one of their blank cards. Check them out HEREEvelyn & Bobbie bras: If underwires make you want to rip your bra off by noon, Evelyn & Bobbie is for you. These bras are wire-free, ultra-soft, and seriously supportive—designed to hold you comfortably all day without pinching, poking, or constant adjusting. Check them out HERESarah: Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Peaceful Parenting Podcast. Today's guest is Dr. Justin Coulson. He's an Australian parenting expert with a PhD in psychology, the author of 10 books on parenting, the co-host of the Happy Families podcast with his wife, Kylie, the father of six children, and, last but not least, grandfather of one.We discuss the psychology behind peaceful parenting, including how self-determination theory explains kids' challenging behavior. Dr. Justin also shared his three E's of discipline, which I just loved.If you like this episode, please share it with a friend so more parents can learn about peaceful parenting. If you're a fan of the podcast, you can help us out not only by sharing it, but by leaving a review and a five-star rating in your podcast player app. While you're there, don't forget to follow the show so you don't miss an episode.If you'd like to support us even more, you can become a supporter on Substack to help us offset the cost of making the show. We'll put a link in the show notes.Let's meet Dr. Justin. I hope you enjoy this conversation and get as much out of his insights as I did.Sarah: Hello, Dr. Justin, and welcome to the podcast.Dr. Justin: Sarah, I'm so glad to be with you. Thanks for having me on.Sarah: Yeah, and it's morning for you, evening for me—nice—and I'm just glad that we could make this time to talk to each other. I really appreciate it. Thank you. So, could you just tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do?Dr. Justin: Sure. I grew up on the east coast of Australia, about an hour north of Sydney. Geographically, that kind of locates where I was. I was the teenage boy that every parent hopes they will not have. I don't think I was a particularly bad kid, but I certainly wasn't a good kid.My parents were spending a small fortune—I'm a 1975 baby, I turned 50 last year—but this was in the late '80s and early '90s. My parents were spending so much money to send me to a private school. Because we were on the coast—a very quintessentially Australian thing—I was wagging school.Do you say “wagging school” in Canada? Is that a term Canadians use?Sarah: No, but I think we get the context. I think it means not going to school.Dr. Justin: Yeah, I was truant. They thought I was there, but I wasn't.Sarah: We say skipping.Dr. Justin: I was skipping school. Okay, yeah. We call it a school wag.So I would go to school in the morning and get my name marked off in roll call. Then I would sneak out of the school. Across the road from the school, there were bushes—kind of a forest, or whatever you might call it in Canada and America. I would get changed out of my tie, long pants, and black school shoes, throw on some board shorts and a T-shirt.My surfboard was stashed in the bush, and I'd grab it from the hiding place. Then I'd jump on a bus, go to the beach, and surf all day. Afterward, I'd get a bus back to school in the afternoon, change back into my uniform, and race into the school just in time to get my name marked off, looking like I'd been at school all day.This was in the days before schools communicated with parents via email and text, because none of that existed. I was able to get away with it.So I finished high school. I scored in the bottom 15%—Sarah: Goodness.Dr. Justin: Not just my class, but of the entire state of New South Wales. My parents were devastated.I didn't care. I wanted to have a media career. I wanted to be a radio announcer. So I got into radio. If you've ever listened to the radio—and no offense to radio people—you know you don't have to do well at school to be good at radio. You just have to be able to sit on the microphone and say things that make sense.I knew I could do that, so school didn't matter to me. I didn't care about it. That's what I did.But this is where it intersects with parenting.About 10 years into my radio career, my wife and I were having some challenges, particularly around my parenting. We had a threenager and a newborn baby.That three-year-old—I had always held the opinion that my children would do as they were told, and if they didn't, I would make sure they understood that I was the father and that their job was to do as I said.So I was very punitive. I basically made all of the parenting mistakes you can imagine when I would get angry, frustrated, and ill-tempered. It's not that I was a bad father—I spent a lot of high-quality time loving my kids—but I was also really short-fused and highly aggressive.Frankly, I went from threatening to hitting really fast. You call it spanking; we would call it smacking. I was very, very quick to smack or spank my three-year-old, and it wasn't working.After one particularly bad incident where things escalated, I really did lose control. I didn't just spank her once. There were multiple spankings. This was like a 10-minute escalation session where it just got worse and worse and worse.My wife was out at the time. When she came home, I said to Kylie, “I'm a bad father. I'm not doing this well. I'm making a lot of mistakes, and here's what happened while you were out.”Full confession: Kylie has always been this wonderfully supportive wife—very kind, gentle, compassionate, soft-spoken, thoughtful, considerate, empathic—all of those beautiful attributes that I prize and treasure in my good wife.She was none of those things that day.She had fire in her eyes and said, “You are not living up to the father that I hoped you would be, and you're also not living up to the husband I need you to be.”And it took me back, because I was already feeling downcast. I felt like I was failing anyway, and she just—it was like she picked up a great big lump of wood and whacked me over the head with it and said, “No.”Of course, she didn't actually do that, but that's how it felt. It felt physical. Visceral. Like, Ow. This is serious.I left my radio career shortly thereafter.I was working at one of the biggest radio stations in Australia at the time, and I gave up all the backstage passes with global superstars and hanging out with record company executives at the best restaurants, eating their food so they could bribe me to play their music on the radio station. I went back to school.I became a full-time student. I worked part-time at three different jobs while studying full-time. I'd sleep under the desk at university so I could do the study and the work—Sarah: No surfing this time?Dr. Justin: No surfing this time, no. I was just so committed to it.After eight and a half years of full-time study, I graduated with a doctorate. I had to do a couple of other qualifications first, including a psychological science degree. I graduated with a doctorate in psychology and became a university lecturer.Along the way, Sarah, we went from having our two kids at that point to having our third child in my first year of study, our fourth child in my fifth year of study, and our fifth child while I was doing my doctorate. Shortly after I left the university setting, stopped lecturing, and started writing books and giving talks, we had our sixth child.So we're the parents—Sarah: Amazing.Dr. Justin: —of six daughters. Today, they range in age from 12—the youngest—to the oldest, who is in her mid-to-late 20s. She and her husband have a baby now. They've been married for a few years.Sarah: Wow. You're a grandpa.Dr. Justin: A grand—I'm a grandpa. We have a two-and-a-half-year-old grandbaby, four adult children, one in her teens, and a 12-year-old.So that's kind of my very short version of the journey.Along the way, I've written a bunch of books. We've got a TV show in Australia called Parental Guidance. We've had three seasons of that show on primetime TV. I've got a website and all the things that you'd expect—a podcast and so on.Sarah: What did you do when you had that aha moment—that realization that you weren't being the kind of dad you wanted to be, and your wife also agreed that you weren't being the kind of dad she wanted you to be? What did you change?Because you just mentioned that you spent eight and a half years going back to school. I imagine that you made some changes before you had six kids. So what did you do right away, maybe for anyone listening who can relate to those feelings of rage and feeling triggered by your child?Dr. Justin: Sarah, the first thing I'd say is that there was no linear change, and there were no immediate changes, because I didn't know what to do.I was unskilled. I was uneducated. I didn't know anything about psychology, and I clearly didn't know anything about parenting.But I found a mentor. I have a faith background, and there was a writer who wrote eloquently and compassionately. I just felt like he understood me, and he became a mentor to me.I also discovered a guy called Alfie Kohn. You might be familiar with Alfie Kohn.Sarah: Oh, Alfie Kohn was the first thing I ever read about parenting—Dr. Justin: Oh, great.Sarah: —before I even had kids. And he was on the podcast last year, which felt like a full-circle moment between how influential—I told him on the podcast, “You have probably had the biggest influence on me—not only in my parenting, but in my life's direction—of any single person out there.”So, sorry, fan-girl moment. I'm right there with you with Alfie Kohn.Dr. Justin: Yeah. I've gotten to know Alfie over the years as my academic career advanced and I began to understand where he took his research from.I read his book Punished by Rewards—I think it was a 1993—Sarah: That was my first one too.Dr. Justin: Yeah, it's a 1993 publication or something.Sarah, it was just so influential.What happened was, I was doing my university degree and learning things, and honestly, I'd be sitting there thinking, Hang on, the things they're teaching me in these university courses seem to clash with what Alfie Kohn taught me in Punished by Rewards.So I spent a lot of time in the notes section at the back—you know, all the references nobody ever reads?Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: As I went through them, I discovered researchers named Edward Deci and Richard Ryan from the University of Rochester in upstate New York.They had developed a theory known as self-determination theory.A large portion of Alfie Kohn's work is based on self-determination theory.So I really dug deep into that. I still love Alfie, but I moved very much into the academic side because I became a university lecturer and really got into the nitty-gritty of understanding the deepest depths of what self-determination theory is all about. That has become the foundation of the work that I do.And to your question: nothing is linear when you are trying to make improvements.Whether you're trying to change your diet, exercise, get your finances in order, or improve your relationships, you have insights. You have moments where you think, Oh my goodness, this is what I need to do. I need to show up with warmth on my face and soft eyes.And then three hours later, one of your children does something, and you forget what soft eyes look and feel like. You look at them with hard eyes, frustration in your voice, and short, clipped sentences.Then half an hour later, you think, Oh, self-awareness. I missed that.So it's this gradual process: two steps forward, one step back. Three steps forward, one step back. Four steps forward, three steps back. Eight steps forward, no steps back.Over the years, I had this beautiful experience—and maybe you've had a similar experience in your family as you've raised your kids.We were maybe in my third or fourth year of study. My wife has an early childhood background. She knows child development. She knows what kids need.She was a little skeptical about a lot of the things I was starting to talk about and discover as I went through university and got into the depths of what the research meant—comparing and contrasting it with what was mainstream, but actually not always quite right.We had some tension around how we should respond to the children. I was moving away from that authoritarian bent and developing ideas around exploring their world more.One night, I came home from university a little late. It was probably around 9:00 p.m. Our three children were still awake.As I drove into the driveway, all the lights in the house were on. The windows were open. Looking through the living room window, I could tell the house was—to put it politely—a mess.And as I stepped into the house, the kids—it was just awful.I walked over to Kylie and said, “Honey, it looks like it's been a pretty tough day.”I was trying to be compassionate and empathic. I was really trying to do what psychology says is the right thing to do.Kylie looked at me without hesitation and said, “Don't give me any of that psychology crap. I've had the worst day in the world.”Then she stormed out and said, “You fix it,” and walked into the bedroom and closed the door.Again, this is not how my wife usually is, but it had been a really rough day. The kids were feral. The house was a mess.I looked at my priorities. I sat down with the child who was struggling the most and worked with her for two or three minutes. She calmed down, I gave her a little food, and put her to bed.Within about 20 minutes, I had all three kids in bed, and I was so proud of myself.I stepped into the kitchen and started tidying up. I thought, I'll just give Kylie some space.After another 30 or 40 minutes of tidying, I stepped into the living room and said, “Honey, I know you're really upset. It's been a pretty tough day. I wasn't trying to be judgy or anything.”And she said, “It's fine for you. You're not dealing with it all day. You walk in and think you can just snap your fingers and everything's fine.”Then she looked at me and said, “But tonight, you walked in and it feels like you snapped your fingers and everything's fine.”And we had this beautiful conversation where she said, “I've been resenting the things you've been trying to tell me because it felt like you were telling me I was wrong.“But I've been watching, and I'm actually seeing that the things you're doing are working, and our family is feeling better.”It took four or five years to get there, Sarah.It's not like I had this epiphany—I'm a bad father, I need to change—and suddenly I was a good dad.There were many embarrassing, shameful moments after that epiphany where I still made terrible decisions and treated the children badly.Even today, I still lose my temper, say things I shouldn't, and get frustrated, because kids are kids and we're fallible humans.But we call parenting parenting because it's about us. If it were about children, we'd call it childrening.Which sounds silly, right?Dr. Justin: But what I've really discovered is that if I can learn how to regulate myself—high emotions equal low intelligence—then I can regulate my emotions, turn them up or down appropriately for the context, and keep them in harmony with my long-term goals, which are to have loving, kind relationships with my children.If I can do that, I'm going to approach them with a tremendously different focus than I will if I'm looking for a short-term fix.And that is something—Anger is a habit. Yelling is a habit. Time-out is a habit. Reward charts are a habit.We can create other habits. We just have to understand the processes and principles behind those habits and then practice them, like we practice a song on the piano, until we finally get it right.Sarah: I love that.So you and Kylie really had a journey—a back-and-forth dance of your own processes and your own development.I do love how you say it's really about us. Whenever I'm working with clients, after a couple of sessions they'll say, “You know what? This isn't even about my kid. This is just about me.”Dr. Justin: Yes. Yes.Sarah: Nobody wants to believe that at first, because it's so much easier to think, I've just got to change them and what they're doing.But it's really all about what we're bringing to the moment and what we're bringing to the relationship.Dr. Justin: I get in trouble sometimes for being overly provocative and saying things that are insensitive, so a quick warning:I want to say what I'm about to say with all the compassion in the world and all the tenderness and care in the world, because I work with people every single day who are dealing with exactly the struggles you're talking about.I want to step into the world of neurodiversity—ADHD, autism, trauma—those kinds of areas.What we're talking about applies there as well. It's just harder.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: But ultimately, if I'm raising an ADHD child or a child who's been through a traumatic experience, once again, parenting is not about them. It's about how I show up for them.So I can say, “Well, my child's like that,” or, “I'm like this because of the diagnosis,” or because of the label, or because of the trauma, or because of the neural networks doing what they're doing.I can say all of those things, and many people do. It's understandable, and I have all the compassion in the world for them when they do.But the key thing I want to highlight is that in spite of all of those challenges your child might be facing—or even that you might be facing—today begins now.It begins with what you put on your face and what you think in your mind.If we can soften our features and go to our children with kindness and compassion while still holding appropriate limits—or working with them to develop appropriate limits—then what we can say is:“Yes, that bad thing happened,” or, “Yes, we are dealing with this difficulty, so what are we going to do about it?”We can fall into the I can't do anything way of thinking, which is really ineffective and doesn't help at all.Or we can step into I have this incredible thing psychologists call agency, or self-efficacy, where I can make a decision now, and if we work on it, we can actually improve things.It might be a longer, harder road. There may be more obstacles to climb over than a typical family without those challenging circumstances.It may be harder.But we can always improve.I never want to be the person who puts limits on what kids can do or what parents can do.If we change our language, change our focus, and recognize that this is a long game—Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: —which requires sustained effort every single day, it's extraordinary the progress we can make and the changes we can create in our home and our family.Sarah: For sure. Yeah.And unfortunately, it's a long game, right? Because I think today we always want quick answers and solutions.Really, it's just showing up every day as best you can and repairing when you don't show up the way you wish you had.And I think another really important part of it—which you were talking around a little bit—is trying to understand our child's experience and see things from their perspective.I was just talking to a client about that today:What's the most emotionally generous explanation you can come up with for their behavior?Because we don't actually know why anyone does anything, since we're not in their brain.But we often jump to, They're being rude on purpose, or They're trying to annoy me.Really, if we can think, Well, I don't know why they're doing this, but there's probably a reason, because kids want to be good. They want to be connected with us.And just reminding ourselves that they're not giving us a hard time—they're having a hard time.That actually makes it easier, I think, to show up as your best, most compassionate self—with, as you say, soft eyes and warm features.Dr. Justin: Yeah.No child wakes up in the morning thinking, Today's the day. I'm just going to ruin everything.This is the perfect opportunity. My parents are tired and frazzled. There's a cost-of-living crisis. There are all these challenges happening, and if ever there was a moment—it's now. I'm going to do it today.They don't wake up thinking that.Like you said—and you said it so perfectly—kids really do want to please us.I know some parents listening to me say that right now are thinking, No, no. My child does not want to please me.And so the question becomes: Why? Why are they struggling?And maybe this is a nice way for me to bring in some of the principles I learned as I went deeper into self-determination theory.There are a couple of times when children are almost guaranteed to be challenging, and this has nothing to do with self-determination theory. This is just general psychology and wellbeing.I always think of Germany. A police officer tells you to stop, but they don't say the word stop because they're German.In German, the word for stop is halt—H-A-L-T.So we add an S to the end, and the acronym becomes:Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Stressed.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: Those are the five times when you can all but guarantee your children are not going to be doing well.If they are hungry, get some food into them—ideally a little protein, because it's satiating and helps them feel full quickly.If they're angry, then we've got to remember: high emotions equal low intelligence.You can't think straight in a high emotional state.So our job is to get curious, not furious, because if we fight fire with fire, we end up with a scorched-earth policy and everything gets burned.Dr. Justin: Lonely.I could be sitting right next to you, Sarah, and feel disconnected and lonely—Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: —even if we were very close.Our children are sometimes literally sitting at our kitchen bench, and they feel alone. They feel a little lost. Because of the way we're responding to them—with hard commands, correction, and direction rather than connection—they feel lonely.Tired.I don't even need to explain that.Even as adults, I don't know any couple who, at the end of witching hour—or whatever you might call it in North America, that 5:00 to 7:00 p.m. stretch when the kids—Sarah: Yeah.Dr. Justin: —are just oof…It's the end of that period, and you're exhausted, the kids are exhausted, and you look at your husband or wife and say, “You know what? We are so tired. We're shattered. But boy, are we nailing it tonight.”Nobody ever says that when they're tired—Sarah: Yeah.Dr. Justin: —because you're not nailing it. You're just hanging in there.And it's the same with kids.Then the S is for stressed, and that includes sickness, because sickness is a stress on the body as well.Those five indicators are going to let you know when your child is likely to be challenging, and I think they're really good to watch out for.But if we go a little deeper and talk about self-determination theory, it says that each of us has these needs.You have them, Sarah, and I have them, and our children have them—even your mother-in-law has them.We have three basic psychological needs.When we're in environments where those needs are supported, oh my goodness, we thrive. These are environments we're drawn to and attracted to. We approach them with a smile on our face and can't wait to be there.But if the environment is what researchers call need-thwarting or need-frustrating—meaning it frustrates and thwarts those needs—then we avoid it.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: Or, if we're in those environments, we act in ways that are challenging.So the basic psychological needs are:Number one: a sense of relationship, or relatedness. That's the technical term they use.Relatedness is a sense of mutual belonging.Sarah: So would it be similar to mattering? Like you feel like you matter to somebody?Dr. Justin: Yeah. There's been a lot of talk recently about mattering.But it's reciprocal mattering. It's not just one-way.It's I matter to you, but you matter to me.Sarah: Yeah.Dr. Justin: Let me use Mother's Day as an example.We just had Mother's Day in Australia at the start of May.If I've got a great relationship with my mother-in-law, and it's Mother's Day, I'm probably going to spend the morning with my wife and family while my children celebrate their mum. Then maybe at lunchtime, we head over to the in-laws to celebrate my wife's mum.If I feel like that relationship need is supported at my mother-in-law's—meaning there's mutual belonging, I matter to her, she matters to me, we enjoy one another's company, and it feels good—I'm going to say:“Great. Let's get in the car. Let's go. What do we need to do?”But if I'm going to a need-frustrating environment—if there's tension, antagonism, snide remarks, eye rolls, silence, defensiveness, or wounds from bad things that happened in the past—that environment doesn't feel good to me.So I'm going to say to Kylie:“Honey, why don't you take the kids to your mum's? Have a great lunch. We've made a big mess this morning, and I think the best thing I can do for your Mother's Day”—and I'll frame it nicely, of course—“is stay home, tidy the house, clean up the kitchen, get everything ready, and put dinner on for tonight so you can have your perfect Mother's Day dinner. I'll see you in four hours.”And then I send her out the door.Why?Because my in-laws' home has become a need-thwarting or need-frustrating environment. I just don't want to be there.And if I am there, I'm going to be sullen and sulky. I might try my best for half an hour and then say, “Oh, this is too hard,” and retreat—Sarah: Or text. The adult version of misbehavior.Dr. Justin: Yes, exactly. Exactly.But if I'm a child in a need-thwarting or need-frustrating environment, I'm going to get into fights with the kids I don't like.Or I'm going to say, “I don't want to go to school because everyone picks on me because I don't regulate my behavior properly because I've got ADHD.”Right?So school becomes a place I don't want to go.Or maybe you have a faith background and your child doesn't have any friends at church.Or you've signed them up for soccer, but they don't know anyone on the team.And they're saying, “Yeah, but I don't want to go.”It all comes down to relationship.Relationship is the basic psychological need that's being thwarted.Now, the second basic psychological need is competence.Competence, I would describe as feeling like I can do the thing I'm being asked to do.Sarah: Or that I want to do.Dr. Justin: Yeah. We'll get to want to in just a second, because want-to is the third basic psychological need—autonomy.So stay with me on competence for a second.Competence is capability. Capacity.It's not even necessarily about being able to do something—it's about feeling like you're making progress toward the goal.Let's say I'm joining acrobatics and trying to learn how to do a handstand.That's really tricky. It's a tough skill.If I show up every week to acrobatics, even if I've got great friends there—so my relationship need is supported—and I love my coach, but every time I try to do a handstand my shoulders buckle, my elbows aren't straight, my form is wrong, I fall over, or I can't stay up…After four or five or six weeks, I'm going to say:“I don't like this anymore. I'm out.”I had a daughter who wanted to come cycling with me.I'm a really keen cyclist. I ride on the road. I'm a middle-aged man in Lycra.But I also ride on the velodrome.You've seen those velodrome bikes at the Olympics—the indoor track where they go around and around and around.You might have noticed that after they finish the race, they keep pedaling and do another 10 laps.The reason is twofold.Number one: there are no brakes on those bikes.And second: they use what's called a fixed gear, meaning that when the wheels are spinning, the pedals are spinning.If you stop pedaling, you're going to get thrown over the handlebars because the wheels are still moving, which means the pedals are still moving, even if you try to stop them.So you just have to keep riding until the bike slows down.My daughter wanted to come to Friday night velodrome racing with me.We didn't have the money, but we spent all this cash on a bike, the Lycra, the helmet, the special shoes—it cost a lot, and I was a poor university student.But my daughter wanted to cycle with me, and I wasn't going to miss that opportunity. So we sacrificed and made it happen.Unfortunately, she was competing against girls who had been riding for four, five, or six years.For the first few weeks, she gave it a good go, but she was losing by several laps every race.After about a month, she said:“Dad, I don't want to do this anymore.”And my response was:“But I've spent all this money.”But what was really going on was that as much as she liked the girls and the atmosphere, she didn't feel competent—Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: —and she didn't see progress.She didn't feel like she was ever going to master the activity, so her motivation and wellbeing plummeted.Cycling became a need-thwarting environment for her.Whether it's piano, violin, rock climbing, cycling, swimming, math, PE class—it doesn't matter.If your kids don't feel like they can do the thing, they're going to push back.They're going to say:“This is too hard. I don't like it.”They won't use these exact words, but what they're really saying is:“This is a need-frustrating environment for me. I don't like it. I don't want to be there.”And then they start to act out.My mom got to the stage with me as a 13-year-old boy where she was physically holding me by the arm and dragging me into my piano lessons.Dr. Justin: Which brings me to my third and final basic psychological need, which is autonomy.A lot of people hear the word autonomy and think it means freedom—that kids can do whatever they want. They think it means independence.That's not what autonomy means, certainly not in the strict scientific form we're talking about within this theory.Rather, autonomy comes down to identifying the value of an activity and therefore endorsing the actions required to do the activity.See, if I, as a 12-year-old, looked at piano and thought:This is going to be a lifelong skill that will bring me joy, that I'll be able to share with others, that I can use in service of my family and community. If I can play piano or keyboard, I could be in a band. I could do all of these things.If I identified the value in the activity, then I would endorse the work required to learn it.So autonomy is not about freedom and independence. It's about choice based on values.That's a lot when you're thinking about three-, four-, and five-year-olds, but not necessarily—Sarah: No, I love that.We talk about that all the time in my communities—how important it is for kids to have autonomy.And I think you can have autonomy even when kids can't be independent, right?Because you can't have a four-year-old who's independent, but you can have a four-year-old who can make decisions that matter.Dr. Justin: Yes, yes.And that decision goes well beyond, Do you want to wear the blue suit or the green one?Sarah: I'll quote our friend Alfie Kohn. He says, “Kids should have the ability to make decisions that make adults gulp a little bit.”Dr. Justin: I love it. Yes. Beautiful.Let me give an adult version of this, and then I'll swing it back into childhood, because sometimes parents hear this and think, This isn't quite computing for me.In Canada, you drive on the right-hand side of the road.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: And it's true that if you choose to drive on the left-hand side of the road, the authorities will probably get involved. You may cause harm to somebody. You could even end up in prison.But even in the middle of the night, when nobody's on the road, I can't imagine there are too many Canadians who get in the car and think:Tonight's the night. Nobody's watching. I'm gonna drive on the left.You are being absolutely controlled by the government and by the law. You're driving on the right-hand side of the road.But because you identify the value in driving on the right-hand side of the road, nobody has to compel you to do it.You just do it because you endorse the idea that driving on the right is safer. It's what you need to do.So our job with our children is twofold.First, when it comes to these basic psychological needs, we want to help them be in environments—or create environments—where those needs are supported.We want to send them to a school where they have good relationships, where somebody says, “Hey, come sit with us,” where teachers know them by name and smile when they see them and are excited to support them.A school where they're able to experience progress—which might mean less emphasis on grades and more emphasis on developing capability.And a school where they feel like they have some say in where they're going and what they're doing.Rather than being forced to attend a school like I was when I was a teenager, they get to say:“No, I want to go to that school because that's where my friends are.”Or:“That's where the teachers help me feel good.”Or:“That's where my interests lie.”That's the basic psychological-needs concept.Now let's bring that into discipline, which is what started this whole conversation.Based on this theory—and I guess it ties back to a lot of what Alfie Kohn has said as well—I developed a little model that's really easy to memorize and even easier to enact.I call it the Three E's of Effective Discipline.The Three E's of Effective Discipline are need-supportive.If you look at the root of the word discipline, it comes from the idea that we teach, guide, and instruct—that we show the way to follow.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: But if you look at the modern definition of discipline, the modern definition is punish.Punish means exact retribution. It means hurt. It means make someone pay a price.Sarah: Make people feel bad on purpose.Dr. Justin: Yeah. That's exactly right.And I'm interested in disciplining our kids, not punishing our kids.Punishment is need-thwarting, right?If you make someone feel bad on purpose, there goes the relationship. They feel incompetent, and you've taken away their autonomy.So standard discipline strategies—whether it's time-out, spanking, yelling, withdrawing privileges, taking away the iPad, bribery—all of those standard discipline practices trample over basic psychological needs.We've got to come up with something better.So I developed the Three E's of Effective Discipline, which are basically this:On a beautiful bed of empathy, we explore, we explain, and we empower.Sarah: Ooh, I love that.Dr. Justin: Explore basically means I sit down with my child at an appropriate time.Because we always try to fix things right here, right now.Sometimes we need to, but often intervention simply to make sure people and property aren't hurt—that's all you need.Then you can say to your child:“We'll have a chat about this later when nobody's got a head full of steam.”Kick it down the road.You don't have to fix things right here, right now. Most of the time, it's just not necessary.So once everyone is calm, you explore.You say:“Hey, I've noticed there's been a lot of tension in our home lately between you and your brother.”Or:“Have you noticed that for the last few weeks we've had so much conflict about screens?”And your child says, “Yeah.”And you say:“I just want to listen because parenting's about parents, right? I must be getting something wrong here. Can you help me understand what I'm missing? Where am I going wrong? What's the real problem from your perspective?”Now, there are three things that make this better.Number one: never do it with an audience.Kids always want to save face. They don't feel competent when we start these conversations in front of other people.Number two: have some treats.Because once you're feeding them, they're like:“Oh, I'm not in trouble. We're just chatting, and there are cookies,” or a thick shake, or something like that.And number three: take notes.When you're trying to solve problems—and that's really what discipline is—The Three E's of Effective Discipline are about problem-solving.Discipline—meaning helping, teaching, guiding, instructing—is really about solving problems.So if I want to solve problems effectively in my home—if I want to discipline my children well—I'm trying to say:“Where are you coming from? What am I missing?”When you take notes on what your kids are saying, it's amazing how much information they give you because they realize:You're really listening to me.Sarah: Yeah. You're taking me seriously. You're writing down what I say.Dr. Justin: They're blown away by it.So they'll tell you a bunch of stuff.Now, every now and then they won't. Sometimes they'll shrug and say, “I don't know.”And you can say:“Well, if you don't know, that's fine. But if you did know…”This drives kids crazy, but it's my favorite sentence.“If you did know, what do you think the answer would be?”Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: And they roll their eyes.“Well, I don't know. That's what I said. If I knew, I'd tell you, but I don't know.”And I say:“I know you don't know, and I understand that if you did know, you would tell me. But if you did know, what would you tell me?”Sarah: I love that.Dr. Justin: They get this feeling—it's like this horrible psychological trick where:I don't know the answer, but if I had to come up with one, I guess I'd say this…And now the conversation starts.You get momentum.Sarah: You Jedi mind-trick them.Dr. Justin: Yeah. It's beautiful.And you write it down.At no point are you allowed to interrupt.At no point are you allowed to tell them they're wrong.At no point are you allowed to respond with your adult wisdom.You just listen.Sarah: Okay, and we're still on explore?Still on the first E?Dr. Justin: We're still on the first E.You make all these notes, and once it sounds like they've told you everything, you say:“All right. So what you're telling me is…”And then you read the notes back.This is the oldest psychological strategy in the book—I'm not saying anything new here.If they say, “Yes, that's what I'm saying,” you say:“All right. Great. I've got it.”If they say no, then you say:“Oh, what have I missed? How did I get this wrong? Clarify it for me.”And they give you more information.But there's a really valuable question at the end.When they say, “Yes, that's what I'm saying,” you ask:“Fantastic. Is there anything else?”Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: The power of asking that extra question is profound.It forces them to go deeper.Sometimes they'll say, “No, that's it.”But often, their first answers are shallow answers to get you off their back.They're thinking:I'm telling you what I think you want to hear.But when you say:“Got it. You're happy with this answer? Fantastic. Is there anything else going on?”That's when they look at you and think:Oh—you're actually serious about this. You really care.Sarah: And you're really listening to me.Dr. Justin: Yeah.And it's profound what children will give you after you ask, “Is there anything else?”Once you've got everything written down, confirmed, and you're clear, the next step is explain.Dr. Justin: Now, there are a couple of things around explain.Explain is basically the part where you tell them what they need to know. This is the parent bit.But all too often, we step into lecturing, and the kids fall asleep. They're like, “Oh, here we go again. I thought this was going to be different, but it's no different after all.”So there are a couple of things we need to get right here.Number one: if you're going to explain anything to your children, my recommendation is that you keep it to less than 20 seconds.Now, there's no science around this. This is just my experience in talking with parents and kids in my own family. I find that if you talk for more than 10 to 20 seconds, kids really do tune out, and it goes back to the way things have always been.The second thing is that I always ask permission.“Now that I've listened to you, Sarah, there are just one or two things I'd love to run by you about what's going on. Do you mind if I do that?”I want to make this absolutely clear: as a parent, you do not need your child's permission to tell them things. I really, absolutely, honestly believe that. As the parent, you have the right to tell them stuff they need to know.But this isn't about rights. This is about effectiveness.If I launch into, “Well, Sarah, now that I've listened to that, I get it, but I need to tell you these two things,” I'm already bringing defensiveness back into the relationship.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: Barriers are coming up.Whereas if I say, “Sarah, this is so helpful. As I've listened to you, two things have come to mind. Do you mind if I share both of those with you?” Your instant response, even as I say it—I'm watching your face—Sarah: I'm nodding.Dr. Justin: And you're going—Sarah: Yeah.Dr. Justin: Yeah. I actually want to know.You're opening up your heart and mind to me, and we're just role-playing this.Sarah: Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: And that's what our kids do. They're like, “Oh, okay.” Because we've given them the courtesy of listening—Sarah: Well, and you're not trying to use your power over them.Dr. Justin: Exactly.This is a non-coercive, really supportive conversation.And I still haven't had this happen. A lot of parents will say, “Well, what happens if they say no?”And I'm like, “I've raised six kids, and they've never actually looked at me and said, ‘Now that I think about it, no, I don't need to know anything that you…'”They've just never done it.But even if they did—Sarah: Well, if they do, it's probably that they're—what did you say? When emotions are high, intelligence is low. Maybe it wasn't the right time to have the conversation.If they're saying no, then they're probably still angry and holding onto whatever was going on for them.Dr. Justin: Exactly.But if they're that angry, they're probably not going to have explored nicely with you anyway.Sarah: Yes, exactly. So pick—Dr. Justin: A different time.You're probably not even going to—Sarah: Get to that point. Yeah.Dr. Justin: So it's very much: keep it really short, ask permission, and then share.Sarah: Okay. So give me examples.You said, “We've been fighting about screens,” was one example. You also gave the example of, “You've been fighting a lot with your brother.”So in the explain—10 to 20 seconds—choose one of those scenarios. After hearing your child, what would you say in that 10 to 20 seconds?Dr. Justin: I did this just the other day with my 16-year-old daughter, Lily, who is on social media more than she should be. There's been some tension and conflict.I listened. She shared some ideas, and I said, “There are just a couple of things I want to run by you. Is that okay?”She said, “Sure, Dad.”I said, “Great. There are certain times when we're trying to connect or have family time, and there are certain contexts where you're on your device and we just can't reach you.”She looked at me and said, “Yeah, I know.”I said, “Okay. The second thing I want to highlight is that we've noticed you're sleeping in because, even though you're not supposed to, you've been taking your phone into your bedroom at night and staying up late scrolling. Unless I'm reading it wrong, I'm pretty sure that's what's been happening.”And she said, “No, I have been, Dad. You're right.”So it's just two really succinct sentences where I'm stating what I'm seeing. I'm sharing my experience.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: If it were the sibling fighting, I'd say, “Yeah, your brother is really annoying. I get what's going on. Sometimes I wish he didn't live in our house as well.”I might have a joke with them about the challenge associated with that.And then I might say, “So when this happens, can I just share how it feels for me? It breaks my heart. I love both of you so very much, and my dream is for our family to enjoy being in one another's company and to look forward to conversations and jokes and doing the things we do. When this stuff is going on, it feels like that's a pipe dream.“And secondly, psychologically—you know I've got this PhD in psychology—I know that there's damage being done to the way your brother feels about himself. That's what I'm worried about.”So I've had both of those little conversations on two different topics, sharing two different things, and both were about 10 seconds each.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: Again, it's conversational. It's not lecture-style.Sarah: And it's from the heart.I can feel it, even though this is just an example you're giving. I can feel that it's from your heart—that you're really being open and sharing with your child what your true concerns are.You're not trying to power over or control. You're really sharing a heartfelt sentiment.Dr. Justin: Yeah. Thank you. That's the goal.You won't always do that, but that's the goal.The reason there's a problem is because your values are not being upheld in the home, and you're trying to communicate that in a way that shows you honor them and that they've got a brain.Now, we've used two really grown-up versions—or teenage versions, I guess. But you can have the same conversations with three- and four-year-olds. It's just shorter. It's simpler.Usually, with those conversations, in a pretty tight timeframe—60 to 90 seconds—you've done the whole process.There is a higher-order—Sarah: Okay, so what's the third part?Dr. Justin: Just before I get to that one, if you really want to do the advanced version of explain, what I'll often do after I've explored with my child is say:“Okay, so this is the bit where I'd normally explain what's going on from my point of view. I wonder if you can tell me what you think I'm going to say here.”Sarah: Ah.Dr. Justin: And so I get them to explain the explain to me.The reason that's so effective is that whenever my mouth is the one that's moving, my brain is the one that's working.If I can get their mouth moving, their brain is doing the heavy lifting.Sarah: Love that.Dr. Justin: That's really, really effective.And then the last one—Sarah: Is empower.And you're also helping them see things and develop empathy, right? To see things from somebody else's perspective.Dr. Justin: Yes. Powerful.The last one is empower.That's literally as simple as saying, “Okay, so I get where you're coming from. We've had that conversation very thoroughly. You know what my challenge is here. What do you think we should do?”“Where do we go from here? How do we solve this in a way that we can both feel good about?”It's true that every now and then, your child will shrug their shoulders and say, “I don't know.”Or they'll shrug and say, “Well, we should just do what I want to do.”And as a parent, that's where you step in and say my favorite line:“Don't you just wish? Don't you just wish we could?”Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: Because—well, let me ask you, Sarah. When I say, “Don't you just wish,” or, “Wouldn't it be good if we could?”—same thing—what have I actually said?Sarah: Total empathy. Heaps of empathy.Dr. Justin: Total empathy.But I've also said something else really clearly.Sarah: That that's not going to work.Dr. Justin: Correct. The answer is no.But it's a no with so much love, kindness, empathy, and gentleness in it—Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: —that your child goes, “Oh, yeah. I know.”And then you say, “So let's see if we can come up with a solution that will work.”What else might work for you when it comes to your brother?What else might work for you when it comes to the party on Friday night that I'm not willing to let you go to?What else could work when it comes to our screen challenges? Because this is an ongoing issue for us, isn't it?Every now and then, you won't get an answer right away. You'll say, “Well, let's talk about it again tonight,” or, “Let's talk about it again tomorrow once you've had some time to think about it.”But I'm big on deadlines.“We need to have this worked out by the end of the weekend, okay? I don't want to go through another week of this. We've got to find a solution. If we haven't had another chat by tomorrow night, we're going to sit down and work it out then.”And I also don't have a problem at this point—Laura Walker is a researcher at BYU in Utah, and she did a study published in the Journal of Adolescence where she found that parents who use these kinds of strategies—she's not talking about the Three E's of Effective Discipline, because that's the thing I developed, but it's based on the same sort of theory that she researches—Parents who use these kinds of strategies, even when they do have to step in and say, “All right, well, we haven't come up with a solution, so it's going to be my way,” kids are much more likely to be responsive and compliant—Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: —because we've been through a process with them that is not autocratic. It's not authoritarian.They've felt like they had a voice. Their perspective has been seen and heard. They've had some input.And even though they don't get what they want all the time—because we're the parents, and sometimes the fact that we've climbed 47 rungs on the ladder of life and they've only climbed 13 is all we need.Sarah: That's what I call in my work the goodwill bank.When your kids experience you as collaborative, non-coercive, and not power-tripping—when they know, over the period of their childhood, that they can trust you to take their preferences into account and be respectful of them—then when you do have to say no about something, even if they don't like it, there's this goodwill bank behind you and this level of trust.When you mentioned, “You can't go to the party on Friday,” I never had that issue with my kids because everything was so collaborative.We'd have similar conversations. I didn't have—I'm not very good at thinking of things like the Three E's—but similar kinds of processes where they'd say why they wanted to go, I'd say what my concerns were, and then they'd invariably say, “Oh, yeah, you're probably right.”It was never, “You can't go.”It was, “These are my concerns. This is what I've been thinking about.”Because they experienced that whole process over years of parenting, you don't get the pushback because they don't feel like you're power-tripping them.Dr. Justin: Yeah.Sarah, I had an experience with one of my adult children who was still living at home. I think she was maybe 19 or 20 when this happened.She wanted to go and do something, and I said to her, “You're an adult. You do get to choose for yourself whether you will do this or not, but I've got some really big concerns about you doing it.“I actually think you're putting yourself into a dangerous situation. There's some history, some volatility, and some challenges if you go and involve yourself in this particular activity. Tell me why this is so important to you.”So she walked me through it, and I said, “Okay, I get it. How do my concerns stack up against your desire to be there?”And she said, “Dad, I get what you're saying, but I want to go.”And I said, “Okay, so…”You used that beautiful term, the goodwill bank. I can't remember exactly what my words were, but I'm going to use your term right now, because I essentially said:“I'm going to use the goodwill I've built up with you over the last however many years and step in really firmly and say you're making a mistake.“As your dad, even though you're an adult, I want to forbid you to go. That's how strongly I feel about this. To the degree that I can, I forbid it.“Ultimately, you will choose because you are an adult, but I don't want you there.”Sarah: I'm going on the record.Dr. Justin: Yeah, yeah.“I need you to trust that this is a bad idea. We can come up with any number of other activities you could do instead, with different people in a different location, but this is a bad idea, and you have none of my support should you go.“If you go and something goes wrong, you call me and I'll come rescue you. But it is a bad idea, and I forbid it.”And I couldn't believe I was saying those words. I've never said them in my life, and now I was saying them to an adult.But she looked at me and said, “Okay.”Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: She didn't fight me. She didn't say, “I can do what—”Sarah: No, because you built up the history with her of how she experienced you.Dr. Justin: Yeah. She was like, “Wow, this is serious. He's never said that before. If he feels that strongly, maybe he's right. Maybe I need to find an alternative.”So anyway, that's the Three E's of Effective Discipline.I feel like I've talked too much, Sarah. I wanted to be much more conversational, but I get carried away when we—Sarah: No, no. I love it.I feel like it's very complementary to the things that I teach, and you've given me some new things to teach parents as well.I love having sort of snappy—the Three E's of Discipline. I think that's great. I love it. I'll share it.Dr. Justin: Yeah, please. Absolutely.It's helped so many millions of parents.Sarah: Yeah.Well, I love that we've connected across the world—from the other side of the world to each other—and I look forward to hopefully talking to you again in March of 2027 when your book Boys comes out.I figured we were going to talk about that, but we had such a lovely conversation about peaceful parenting, discipline, and—oh my God, it's gone right out of my head—Dr. Justin: Self-determination theory.Sarah: Self-determination theory.I think it was a really great conversation, and I really appreciate you sharing all of your experience and wisdom.Dr. Justin: I loved the conversation.Like I said, it was too one-sided. I wish we'd been able to go backward and forward a bit more, but let's do it again.Let's chat again next year when the book comes out, and we'll talk about boys and how to help them.There's so much talk about toxic masculinity.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: Wouldn't it be great if we could give them a view of healthy masculinity—a model of that to follow?That's what my book is all about: how we can guide boys into a healthy form of masculinity.Sarah: Well, for folks in Australia, your book is coming out in June 2026. For folks in North America, it's not coming out until spring 2027.So I will definitely be ringing you up and having you come back on to talk about the book when you've got your North American release. I know we're going to have a great conversation then.Before I let you go, though, I have a question that I ask all my podcast guests:If you had a time machine and you could go back and tell your younger parent self something, what advice would you give yourself?Dr. Justin: Jean-Jacques Rousseau said there is—I can't remember the quote exactly—but: What wisdom is there that is greater than kindness?I've paraphrased it. It's not perfect, but it's something along those lines.Interestingly, Rousseau had, I think, five children—maybe six—and he put them all into orphanages somewhere in the first 18 months of their lives so he could spend more time writing and focusing on how to be a good person, which I just find criminal. I can't believe it.So take it for what it's worth, but “What wisdom is there that's greater than kindness?” is what Rousseau said.I've mentioned this idea of soft eyes a couple of times. If I could go back, I would teach myself about kindness. I'd teach myself about many of the things we've talked about today.But I just want to quickly share the story of soft eyes.As an academic, I want everything I say to be evidence-based. There is no evidence that I'm aware of where people have done any kind of randomized controlled trial where parents are asked to interact with their children with soft eyes, neutral eyes, hard eyes, or anything like that.Soft eyes is this idea—I was giving a presentation at a public library one time, and an elderly lady stepped into the back of the room, sat down, and listened to the last 25 or 30 minutes of my presentation. She must have liked what she could hear from the corridor outside, and she stepped in to listen.After everybody had left, she walked over to me and said, “I really enjoyed what you shared. I'd love to tell you something my grandmother said to me.”So we're going back into the early 1900s.Her grandmother said, “Whenever you're talking to your children about matters of discipline, make sure you have soft eyes.”And I thought, I really like that.Because if you try to have a conversation with somebody and your eyes are soft, you just can't say mean things. You can't say harsh things. You can't have harsh thoughts.If you soften your eyes, your face softens and your heart softens. You have this beautiful compassion and kindness, this ability to see the best in them rather than the worst in them, to assume positive intent.There's something gorgeous about soft eyes.So I would go back and quote Rousseau better than I just quoted him to you, and I would tell my younger self that soft eyes will make a tremendous impact on all of my relationships.Sarah: Ah.There's an American—I don't know if you've heard of him in Australia—but he's a pretty well-known marriage counselor, Terry Real.Dr. Justin: Oh, yeah. I quote him in my book.Sarah: Yeah, yeah. He does a lot of work about—well, he says something like, “There's nothing that harshness can accomplish that kindness can't accomplish better.”Dr. Justin: That's so beautiful.Sarah: Mm-hmm.Dr. Justin: Thank you. That's inspiring. I'm so glad you shared that.Sarah: Yeah. I love it.It's hard to remember, but I think it is true. And I wish that—and I know the world needs a dose of that right now.Dr. Justin: Yeah. Yeah.Sarah: One hundred percent.Well, thank you so much.Where's the best place for folks to go and find out more about you and what you do?Dr. Justin: Probably my podcast, the Happy Families Podcast. My wife and I drop a 15-minute nugget of parenting wisdom every day, five days a week.Sarah: Oh, wow!Dr. Justin: Yeah. It's a lot of content, but it's bite-sized chunks, and it's entertaining. We're fun. We get to do it together.And the Happy Families Podcast. I've got a website called happyfamilies.com.au, but basically, if you like what we've talked about—Sarah: We'll link to all of that in the show notes. We'll link to your website and your podcast, and I'm sure it's easy to find you.Dr. Justin: That sounds great. Thanks, Sarah.Sarah: Thank you so much.Dr. Justin: What a great, great conversation. Lovely to be with you.Reimagine Peaceful Parenting with Sarah Rosensweet Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit sarahrosensweet.substack.com/subscribe

Today, I spend some time discussing a Terry Real quote that has sat with me since hearing it. “There is no redeeming value in harshness. There is nothing harshness does that loving firmly doesn't do better.” I couldn't agree more, although it is incredibly tempting to act out of line with this for a number of reasons. I share some of my thoughts about it here, which I hope you find useful. Thanks for listening. As always, Much Love ❤️ and please take care.

Alex Trippier is a writer, speaker, podcast host, husband and father. He is an emerging voice on parenting and the role of men in family life. Alex has immersed himself in the work of leading mothers and parenting experts, exploring women's lived experiences, mental load and family life.Alex brings a compassionate, feminist perspective to a growing international audience and writes regularly for 'The i' as well as having been cited in Grazia and Marie Claire.I connected with Alex on Instagram and I LOVED this conversation — and the laughs! He is brilliant and admirably honest about himself and his journey.In this episode we speak about:Alex's reels and his activism in the parenting spacethe problem with assumptionswhy so many couples can suffer after having childrendoing the work on ourselves, midlife 'crises' and individuationwhat doing burlesque did for me (on a deeper level than people may think)enjoying life as a couple more and Eve Rodsky's book 'Unicorn Space'gender norms and how men and women are judged in societyAlex's (great) observations of matrescence and why self-advocacy mattersresponsibilities and the words we usenavigating social media, self-worth and egothe medicine that tears can holdThemes: patriarchy, matrescence, patrescence, parenting, self-advocacy, domestic abuseWe mention Charlotte Warne Thomas, Lucy Jones, Martin Amis, Richard Reeves, Eve Rodsky, Carl Jung, Terry Real, Leah Ruppanner and Steve BiddulphTo learn more about Alex see here on Instagram, click here for his writing for 'The i Paper' and Alex's podcast is called 'Be A Happier Parent', available on all platforms.At the end, I read a poem written by me.Did you enjoy this episode? If so, I would really appreciate it if you could please leave a review on the platform that you listen.For more insights and to contact me you can find me on Instagram, and/or on my website: www.lucywyldecoaching.com.

In the final episode of our 8-week series on Losing Relationship Strategies, we explore withdrawal — one of the most subtle, sneaky, and destructive patterns couples fall into. Robert and Sharla unpack how disengaging from the relationship (emotionally, physically, sexually, digitally, or even at the level of choice) slowly erodes connection and can eventually lead to living parallel lives.You'll learn:How withdrawal shows up in both extreme and everyday forms — from stonewalling and “fine” syndrome to digital escape, martyr mode, over-investment in kids/career/hobbies, and the especially sneaky pattern of withdrawing from choosing the marriage while still physically staying in it.The dangerous “Distance and Isolation Cascade” identified by John Gottman that often leads to divorce.Why the opposite of love isn't hate — it's apathy.The critical difference between unhealthy withdrawal and healthy mature acceptance (including Dr. Terry Real's powerful reckoning question and the beautiful Phyllis & Doug story).How to practice responsible distance-taking instead of stonewalling or silent check-out.The #1 rule that reveals whether you're truly accepting something or quietly withdrawing.This episode is filled with honest self-reflection, practical tools, and hope. If you've ever felt like you and your partner are just coexisting instead of truly connecting, this one is for you.Key TakeawaysWithdrawal is disinvesting from the relationship — usually when we're not getting what we want.You can't get your needs met by pulling away.The presence of resentment is the clearest sign you're in withdrawal, not acceptance.Responsible space-taking always includes an understanding + a promise of return.Awareness of your patterns is the first step to interrupting them.Journaling QuestionsWhich losing strategies do you favor? Where might you be withdrawing from fully choosing the relationship?Where did you learn these strategies? Who modeled them growing up?In your opinion — which losing strategies does your spouse tend to use?How might your strategies feed into your partner's (and vice versa)?Share your observations about yourself with your partner (not about them).Resources MentionedThe New Rules of Marriage by Dr. Terry RealThe work of Drs. John & Julie GottmanThe work of Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-FifeIf this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to leave a rating and review — it helps us reach more couples who need this message. And if you know someone who might benefit, please share this episode with them.Thank you for joining us through this entire Losing Strategies series. Be kind and take care of each other this week. It really is the small things done often that make the biggest difference.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/

The dishwasher fight you've had a thousand times? Or is it about the laundry, where you're going to eat, making the bed, and cleaning the kitchen? The truth is, it's never really been about the dishwasher (or laundry, eating, making the bed, etc). Couples therapist Tony Overbay walks through Jack and Jill, a 25-year marriage stuck in a low-grade war over how to load the dishes, and reveals what those endless arguments are actually carrying: a need to be seen, an effort that's gone unregistered, and two adaptive children from two completely different childhood homes still running the show. If you've ever been mid-fight and thought, "How are we doing this again?"—this episode finally names the pattern. In this episode you'll: Recognize the Trojan horse argument—how a fight about tongs, rinse agents, and which rack secretly carries the vulnerable conversation you haven't been able to say out loud Spot the four signs you're stuck in one: repetition without resolution, the running tab of unacknowledged effort, kitchen sinking (John Gottman's term), and the hollow win that doesn't feel like a win See how your adaptive child (Terry Real) brought the rules of your childhood home into your marriage—and why your nervous system can't tell the difference between a predator and your spouse walking in with "that look" Leave the waiting room—where both partners want connection but each waits for the other to move first—through differentiation (David Schnarch), not conditional effort Try three guided exercises—open the horse, flip the ledger, and one unilateral move—designed for one person, no partner participation required Drawing on nearly 20 years of couples therapy, his training in Emotionally Focused Therapy, and his four pillars of a connected conversation, Tony reframes the most exhausting argument in your marriage as a map—not a verdict. You're not broken. You're human. And the argument you keep having is pointing somewhere useful. The Magnetic Marriage course is getting a complete overhaul that builds in everything covered here. Get on the waitlist at tonyoverbay.com/magnetic. Please follow Tony on Instagram @virtual.couch on Tiktok @virtualcouch on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft and on Substack https://thevirtualcouch.substack.com/ You can reach out to Tony through his website tonyoverbay.com or by emailing contact @ tonyoverbay.com 00:00 Welcome and Setup 01:03 Dishwasher War Story 01:57 How Dishes Become Proxy 04:17 Inside the Dishwasher Debate 07:45 Jack Stops Helping 10:08 Childhood Dish Rules 13:38 Seen and Validated 15:16 Trojan Horse Concept 18:53 Four Trojan Horse Signs 23:26 Not a Relationship Crisis 25:05 Why Vulnerability Feels Dangerous 26:17 Adaptive Child Patterns 30:52 Nervous System Triggers 32:18 Amygdala Hijack Mode 33:44 Learning New Skills 34:55 The Waiting Room Trap 39:46 Conditional Effort Stalemate 42:05 Trojan Horse Reframe 44:27 Differentiation Explained 47:29 Meaning We Assign 51:37 Impermanence and Hope 53:54 Reaching Without Scorekeeping 56:58 Dishwasher Reimagined 01:00:36 Tuesday Night Practice 01:02:44 Closing Encouragement

This week, we're sharing a compilation of some of our favorite segments from previous episodes on the incredible power and unique challenges of healing in relationships.You'll hear from Thomas and expert guests with backgrounds in couples therapy, trauma healing, and parenting, including: Couples therapist and bestselling author Dr. Terry Real, world-renowned therapist, author, and speaker Esther Perel, and psychologist, author, and conscious parenting expert Dr. Shefali.Tune in for deep wisdom and powerful anecdotes on relational healing, attunement, how our connections to other people impact our healing journey, and what to do when our wounds come into play in our relationships.01:41 - Dr. Terry Real on how our relationships help us transform trauma10:28 - Thomas Hübl on creating attunement and safety with partners18:18 - Esther Perel and Jack Saul on healing trauma through intimacy and vulnerability33:44 - Thomas Hübl on the spirituality of communication44:23 - Dr. Shefali on overcoming old patterns and sharing your deepest feelings✨ Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube:

Today's podcast is a broad reflection on Terry Real's How Can I Get Through to You. He offers such a compelling framework and set of insights about how to have better relationships. The main focus is on romantic relationships, but the principles are generalizable across all types of relationships we have. I summarize some of the principles and ideas he shares here, which I hope you find valuable. Thanks for listening. As always, Much Love ❤️ and please take care.

Send us Fan MailEvery couple disagrees — the real question is how you handle it. In this episode, therapist and relationship coach Jason Polk shares practical communication tools he's developed over 10+ years of working exclusively with couples, drawing on the work of Terry Real and Stan Tatkin.In this episode, you'll learn:Why self-regulation is the single most important communication skillThe difference between speaking from your anger vs. as a representative of itHow to stay on your side of the street and avoid triggering defensivenessWhy requests work better than criticism — and how to make themThe Feedback Wheel tool (link below)How to create agreements around persistent issuesWhen and how to use a timeout before things escalateWhy accepting that reality is subjective can transform your conversationsResources mentioned:Feedback Wheel worksheetFair Play Card DeckWhether you're in couples therapy or working on your relationship on your own, these strategies will help you communicate more clearly, fight less destructively, and reconnect more quickly.This is Part 1 — stay tuned for Part 2!Learn more about our core offering: Marriage counseling in Denver & Colorado Springs

Why You Don't Feel Safe in Your Relationship (And How to Fix It) CONNECT WITH CHARLENE On Instagram @mscharlenebyars (https://www.instagram.com/mscharlenebyars/?hl=en) On YouTube @chosentraining (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAEFkimtIowqoyz1_lnF8Rg) Work with me HERE (https://charlenebyars.com/) Connect with Robert and Sharla on Instagram @masteryourmarriage ( https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage/?hl=en) on YouTube @Master Your Marriage (https://www.youtube.com/@MasterYourMarriagePodcast) In this deep-dive episode, we explore one of the most painful hurdles a couple can face: the loss of emotional safety. When you reach a point where you feel like you can't bring up your concerns without triggering a fight or a cold shoulder, your relationship has entered a "danger zone" that affects your entire well-being. To help us navigate this, we are joined by Sharla and Robert Snow, the founders of Master Your Marriage. With 34 years of marriage and decades of coaching experience, they peel back the curtain on their own "ugly bag of tricks", from the sting of contempt to the silence of withdrawal, and explain how they successfully updated their relationship "software." In this episode, we discuss: 00:00 – Why couples stop feeling emotionally safe 02:44 – Why most marriages struggle (and why it matters) 05:09 – How they met & early relationship dynamics 10:15 – Fast love - marriage-things fall apart 13:28 – The 3 stages of relationships (what no one tells you) 18:09 – Power struggles & why couples disconnect 21:26 – Kids, stress & losing connection in marriage 24:48 – The turning point that changed everything 26:10 – Contempt: the biggest relationship killer 30:25 – Self-respect vs self-love (game-changing shift) 33:18 – How to rebuild emotional safety 36:11 – Why men shut down & avoid communication 38:08 – The “couple bubble” framework 42:22 – Simple tools to stop fights instantly 44:46 – What to do if your partner is defensive 49:30 – How one person can change the relationship 52:25 – What a healthy relationship actually feels like 55:50 – Understanding triggers & emotional wounds 57:39 – Why kindness being right 59:03 – Can broken relationships really be fixed? 01:02:13 – Daily rituals to rebuild intimacy 01:06:17 – Small habits that change everything 01:07:15 – Advice for singles (avoid toxic patterns) 01:11:29 – Where to find & follow them The Nervous System's Safety Scan: Why your brain is constantly monitoring your partner for signs of danger and how "micro-threats" like eye-rolls or sneers shut down intimacy. The 3 Stages of Marriage: We break down Terry Real's framework, moving from the "Love Without Knowledge" honeymoon phase into the "Knowledge Without Love" power struggle, and finally reaching the goal: Love With Knowledge. The Trap of the "Master's Modeling": How we subconsciously repeat the broken communication patterns we saw in our parents (criticism, yelling, or apathy) and how to break that cycle. The Power of Self-Confrontation: Why waiting for your partner to change is a losing game, and how finding your own self-respect can be the catalyst that stops a toxic "dance" in its tracks. Building the "Couple Bubble": Practical ways to create a secure force field around your partnership so that your home becomes a sanctuary from the stresses of the outside world. Whether you're currently feeling like "two ships in the night" or you're simply looking to deepen your connection, this conversation offers a roadmap to move from frustration into a life of lasting passion and friendship.

In the past few days, Andrew Huberman has dominated the neuroscience podcast scene with fresh clips from his Huberman Lab show lighting up YouTube. Huberman Lab Clips dropped a timely discussion three days ago where Huberman and Dr. Keith Humphreys unpacked the risks of high-potency cannabis, warning how surging THC levels in modern weed spike psychosis odds and stall young adults' life progress—edibles hit harder than smoked, they noted, racking up 14K views fast. Five days back, another clip featured Huberman with Dr. Read Montague diving into brain science, pulling 10K views as fans geek out on neural insights.The real buzz swirls around his latest powerhouse guests: Twyla Tharp, the dance legend, joins Huberman in multiple reels like "How to Find Purpose Through Discipline" and "Best Tool to Focus Your Creative Mind," dissecting how creators nail their work's core spine amid audience pressures. Huberman Lab Clips also teased neuroplasticity gold with Dr. David Eagleman on hardwiring skills into the brain, plus Terry Real tackling the male loneliness epidemic—urging guys to seek brotherhood beyond romance. These drops, all under a week old, signal Huberman's push into creativity, addiction, and mental health frontiers, prime fodder for his biographical arc as science's approachable guru.No fresh public sightings or business moves popped—no red carpets, no deals announced—but his Instagram at hubermanlab hums steadily, with Stanford bio still front and center: professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology, podcast host extraordinaire. Hubermanlab.com teases weekly episodes on health hacks for sleep, focus, performance. No whispers of drama or unconfirmed scoops; it's all verified podcast heat, no speculation needed. In the last 24 hours, zero major headlines—just that evergreen clip momentum building.Thanks for listening, please subscribe to never miss an update on Andrew Huberman and search the term Biography Flash for more great Biographies. This has been a Quiet Please production.This content was created in partnership and with the help of Artificial Intelligence AI

In this episode of Master Your Marriage, we continue our series on the losing strategies that quietly sabotage even the best relationships. Today we're diving deep into the fourth one: retaliation (also called punishment).Retaliation sounds simple: “You hurt me, so I'm going to make you feel exactly what I'm feeling.” It shows up as overt criticism, sarcasm, yelling… or the more subtle, covert version—silent treatment, withholding affection, passive-aggression, or “Eh, it was fine.”Terry Real calls this a perverse form of communication—a twisted attempt at repair. Deep down, we're hoping our partner will finally “get it,” feel remorse, and become accountable. But ironically, it always fails. Instead of creating understanding, it destroys connection and strips away our own sense of agency.We explore:The two main forms of retaliation: direct (mean) and indirect (mean-spirited)Why “offending from the victim position” feels so justified (“They started it!”)How almost all perpetrators see themselves as victimsThe surprising truth that retaliation costs us the two things we want most—connection and independenceReal-life examples, including a powerful client story about self-deceptionThe good news? You don't have to stay stuck in this reactive pattern. Terry Real teaches us to shift from first consciousness (our automatic, ego-driven, hurt-child response) to second consciousness—our mature, wise adult self. This shift allows us to stay honest about our feelings while keeping connection alive. We share simple ways to pause, breathe, and respond from that calmer, more loving place instead of punishing.If you've ever caught yourself thinking “They deserve this” or “I'm only doing this because of what they did,” this episode is for you. It's time to take retaliation off the table and move toward the choice-based marriage you truly want.Journaling Questions for This Week:When was the last time I withheld affection or approval from someone I love?How did I feel after?What was I trying to get by punishing the other person?How did that work out for me? Did I get what I really wanted? And if so, at what cost?Resources & Further Reading:Terry Real's book: The New Rules of MarriageRelational Life Institute (Terry Real's trainings and resources)Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/

Today's podcast pulls from a book I'm currently reading by Terry Real. In it, he tries to build a bridge for men and women to better understand each other in their relationships to one another. It's a powerful read. One passage jumped out to me that I wanted to share, which serves as the focus of today's episode. I'm sure it will bring you something worth chewing on. Thanks for listening. As always, Much Love ❤️ and please take care.

In this week's episode of Master Your Marriage, we continue our series on Terry Real's Losing Strategies in relationships. Last week we unpacked Unbridled Expression. This week we dive into Losing Strategy #2: Controlling Your Partner.We all slip into control tactics — sometimes overtly through criticism, insults, or demands, and sometimes more subtly through guilt-tripping, gaslighting, blame-shifting, triangulation, or emotional manipulation. While these behaviors may give us a quick sense of relief or power when we're in “The Crunch,” they ultimately damage trust, create resentment, build emotional walls, and erode intimacy.Sharla and Robert explore:Why our brains are wired to crave control (and why it almost always backfires)How control shows up in both overt and covert waysThe real hidden cost of trying to manage our partner's behavior, choices, or emotionsWhy “If only you would change…” is such a compelling but losing strategyIf you've ever caught yourself thinking “If only my partner would just…”, this episode will hit home. Learn how to recognize control in yourself and move toward real connection instead.Journal Prompts from this episode:When do you notice “The Crunch” — that frustration when things aren't going the way you want?How do you reach for control in those moments? Which tactics show up for you?What would your wisest, most loving self do differently next time?Consider sharing one honest insight about your own behavior (not theirs) with your partner.Resources Mentioned:Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy and The New Rules of MarriageJohn Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism)If this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to leave us a 5-star review and comment — it helps us reach more couples. Share it with someone who might need these tools right now.Subscribe so you don't miss next week's Losing Strategy!New episodes drop every week. Thanks for being part of the MYM family.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/

You are not always seeing your partner as they are. A lot of the time, you're seeing them through your wounds, your beliefs, and your fears.In this episode, Lilly breaks down how we each live in our own simulation when it comes to relationships. She explains how your beliefs about your partner can shape your perception more than reality, how Terry Real's concept of the core negative image shows up in conflict, and what you can start doing today to clear the lens and bring more love, respect, and gratitude back into your relationship.In this episode, you'll learn:* What it means to live in your own simulation in a relationship* How belief shapes perception more than reality* What Terry Real means by a core negative image* How past wounds can cloud the way you see your partner* Why feedback or simple requests can feel much bigger than they are* How childhood experiences can shape the way you receive your partner* Why slowing conflict down helps you see what's actually happening* A simple practice to start shifting the lens in your relationship* How appreciation and gratitude can help seed more safety and connectionBook a Call with Lilly:If you're ready to clear the lens and stop living in the same painful relationship patterns, book a call with Lilly and see if deeper somatic and belief work could support you. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.growthovereasy.com

In this powerful episode of Master Your Marriage, Robert and Sharla dive into one of the most common yet destructive patterns in relationships: unbridled expression—the impulsive, unrestrained venting of every thought, feeling, or frustration without filters, compassion, or self-control.Drawing from Terry Real's framework of “Losing Strategies,” they explain why “just keeping it real” or dumping emotions (what Terry calls the “barf bag approach”) always backfires, creating distance instead of closeness. You'll hear how this shows up as criticism, name-calling, contempt, and more—and why it's so damaging.Robert and Sharla share personal stories from their own marriage and client experiences, including childhood patterns where one person's emotions dominated the home. They reference Dr. John Gottman's research showing contempt as the #1 predictor of divorce (often called “sulfuric acid” for relationships) and Dr. Murray Bowen's insight: “We all have an adult and an infant inside of us, but the infant doesn't have to run the show.”The episode explores the regressive brain under stress, the absence of empathy in these moments, and why focusing on self-awareness (not blaming your partner) is the path to real change.Key TakeawaysUnbridled expression is a losing strategy: Saying whatever you think/feel without restraint pressures your partner and erodes goodwill.Contempt (eye-rolling, sarcasm, superiority) is the most corrosive behavior in relationships and predicts divorce more than any other factor.Reactive impulses feel powerful in the moment but destroy connection—true intimacy requires boundaries and self-control.Relationships reveal our immaturities so we can heal them—shift focus from “fixing” your partner to owning your own reactivity.Journaling prompts included: Reflect on your patterns, analyze better responses, and plan ahead to interrupt old habits.Resources & Experts MentionedTerry Real (mentor and creator of Relational Life Therapy; Losing Strategies including unbridled self-expression)Dr. John Gottman (research on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships, with contempt as the top predictor of divorce)Dr. Murray Bowen (family systems theory; the adult vs. infant/regressive mind)Journaling Questions to Reflect On This WeekWhen I'm frustrated or not getting what I want, what strategies do I use? (When have I fallen into unbridled expression?)How might my words/behaviors hurt my spouse or the relationship?Where did I learn these patterns? (Who modeled this growing up?)What would my best self do instead in those triggering moments?What upcoming situations give me a chance to practice restraint—and what wisdom can I remember when I feel flooded?Call to ActionIf this episode resonated, be sure to subscribe, rate or comment. And share with someone else who needs this information.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/

In this special two-part 100th episode, you'll hear something a little different—the everyday, deeply human stories of the people closest to me.From navigating the loss of a husband to the tender uncertainty of leaving home for college. From launching a business to discovering a passion for a sport you never imagined trying at 50. From the journey of growing from boy to man, to finding resilience after heartbreak, to the quiet but powerful work of building strong friendships.These are not famous voices or household names—and that is exactly the point.Because cracking open doesn't belong to the extraordinary few.It belongs to all of us.My hope is that somewhere in these conversations, you hear yourself. You hear your own story. And maybe, just maybe, you feel a little less alone in yours.But to understand why this episode means so much to me, you have to know a little about the journey that brought us here.One Hundred EpisodesOne hundred episodes.I still have to pinch myself writing those words.When I started this podcast, I had one question I couldn't stop thinking about:What is your cracking open moment—and how did it change you forever?I had no idea that question would lead me to 99 of the most extraordinary people I've ever had the privilege of sitting with.From Jodie Patterson and David Nichtern, who said yes when I had absolutely no idea what I was doing… to Fr. Greg Boyle of Homeboy Industries, Mary Pipher, Shaka Senghor, Elizabeth Lesser, Dr. Mary Claire Haver, Dr. Dan Siegel, Terry Real, Dr. Lisa Miller, Tami Simon, Dr. Ellen Langer, Cory Richards, Suneel Gupta, and so many more whose wisdom has changed me forever.Guests who overcame heroin addiction, grief, incarceration, and unimaginable loss. Guests who returned a second time because one conversation wasn't enough. Guests who became dear friends.Every one of those 99 guests trusted me with their cracking open stories—with their vulnerability, wisdom, and kindness—and they will forever be woven into the fabric of this podcast.And for that, I am deeply grateful.Because here's the truth:I'm not Joe Rogan.I'm not Mel Robbins.I'm not a celebrity who decided to start a podcast.So every single time someone said yes to me—trusted me with their time and their story—I jumped up in pure joy.Coming HomeFor episode 100, I wanted to do something that felt true to why I started this podcast in the first place.So I turned to the people who know me best—and asked them the same question I've asked every guest:What was your cracking open moment?You'll hear from my husband of 22 years, Adam Carroll, my son Tommy Carroll,  my daughter Cora Carroll, and my brother Leo Rowen.You'll also hear from the friends who have held me together for decades.Charlotte Hardwick, René Mitchell, Lisa Bermudez, Noelle Teuber, and Bowen Teuber.My TeamAnd none of this would exist without my team.Natalie, Kevin, and Chloe: this is yours too.Ninety-nine episodes of strangers who became teachers, teachers who became friends, and stories that cracked me wide open in ways I never expected.And now episode 100—coming home to the people who have been cracking me open my entire life without even knowing it.It feels exactly right.If this episode moves you, please share it with someone you love.And if you haven't yet, subscribe so you never miss a Cracking Open moment.We're just getting started.

You said, "That sounds really hard," so why is your partner still upset? It's called the Empathy Dash — that moment you touch your partner's pain just long enough to check a box, then sprint toward solutions, silver linings, or your own experience. In over 1,500 couples sessions, Tony has watched this pattern quietly erode trust while both partners swear they're trying. This episode unpacks why your empathy isn't landing, what your nervous system is actually doing when you rush to fix, and a deceptively simple practice that changes everything. In this episode, you'll discover: Why "me too" on the inside lands like "not you" on the outside — and the intent-vs-impact gap where relationships slowly erode Stealing Thunder: the real-time couples session moment that perfectly captures how sharing gets hijacked before it even lands How your Adaptive Child — the survival strategy that kept you safe growing up — is now sabotaging your closest relationship The neuroscience of co-regulation and why your calm presence does more than your best advice ever could The 3-Before-1 Rule: a concrete practice for staying present when every instinct says fix, solve, or flee Tony Overbay, LMFT, draws from over two decades of couples therapy, Terry Real's relational framework, and Dan Siegel's interpersonal neurobiology to redefine what empathy actually looks like in practice. If you've ever left a conversation thinking "I said all the right things" while your partner felt completely unseen — this one's for you. You're not broken. You just don't know what you don't know yet. 00:00 Welcome and Where to Follow 01:15 Retreat Story Mental Load Misfire 04:56 Intent vs Impact in Bids 06:08 Attack Surface and Pathological Kindness 09:37 Sequencing the Conversation 12:26 Stealing Thunder Named 17:02 Catching the Thunder Grab 18:17 Drive By Empathy Metaphor 21:03 Empathy vs Sympathy Basics 22:36 Why Optimism Can Dismiss 24:02 What Empathy Actually Does 26:58 Real Life Fixing Examples 28:39 Spotting the Empathy Dash 29:30 Why We Do It 30:12 Adaptive Child Origins 31:39 Fixer vs Avoider Examples 33:49 Co-Regulation Explained 34:44 Two Ways to Respond 37:16 Four Pillars Framework 38:11 Questions Before Comments 38:58 Curiosity in Action 42:19 Three Before One Rule 45:40 When Effort Feels Unseen 47:35 Handling Your Triggers 49:27 Closing Encouragement Get on the waitlist today for Tony's upcoming Magnetic Marriage live course! Head to https://tonyoverbay.com/magnetic Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.

  The Masculinity We Inherited… And Why It Stops Working Most men didn't choose their model of masculinity. We absorbed it—through family, culture, locker rooms, workplaces, and silence. This episode was sparked by a long conversation between Andrew Huberman and therapist/author Terry Real about masculinity, emotional health, and relationships. What stood out wasn't a new, flashy idea—it was language. Language for something most men feel but don't always know how to name. This isn't a lecture. It's not political. It's three men thinking out loud about what works, what doesn't, and what might actually help. At AMG, the goal isn't perfection—it's practice. And we lead with curiosity over defensiveness. The Masculinity Model We Inherited Most of us were taught a version of masculinity that prizes: Stoicism Self-reliance Emotional restraint Vulnerability was framed—explicitly or implicitly—as weakness. The message wasn't always spoken, but it was clear: Handle it. Don't need too much. Don't feel too much. As Terry Real puts it (paraphrased): Avoiding vulnerability doesn't eliminate it—it follows you. What That Feels Like Internally For many men, this shows up physically before it shows up emotionally: A tight chest A clenched jaw Emotional narrowing And when emotions do surface, the vocabulary is limited. Most men were handed four options: fine, tired, stressed, or pissed. An AMG Practice Instead of defaulting to "I'm fine," practice naming what's actually there—even if it's clumsy at first. Reflection: What emotions felt unsafe or unwelcome growing up? The Cost No One Warned Us About The inherited model works—until it doesn't. Performance-based worth can drive achievement. But achievement delivers pleasure, not relational joy. Many men reach a confusing place where they are: Competent but disconnected Successful but quietly lonely Calm on the surface, angry underneath Anger often becomes the only "allowed" emotion because it still feels powerful. This isn't about becoming soft. It's about becoming more effective and more connected. At AMG, we don't just name behavior—we name cost. Reflection: Where has this model worked for you? Where has it quietly failed you? Redefining Strength What if vulnerability isn't a collapse—but a skill? Strength isn't the absence of discomfort. Strength is the capacity to stay present with it. This includes: Expressing needs clearly instead of controlling outcomes Naming truth without blame Allowing discomfort without shutting down Terry Real (paraphrased): Strength includes the capacity to identify and name our needs respectfully. Important Distinctions Oversharing vs. clean honesty Presence vs. emotional flooding Vulnerability vs. losing regulation Many men confuse control with strength—when in reality, control is often fear in disguise. Reflection: Where do you confuse control with strength? Relational Mindfulness & Healthy Distance Relational maturity isn't about reacting better—it's about noticing sooner. This means: Recognizing internal reactions before acting Taking space to regulate, not punish Returning to the relationship clean instead of armored Sometimes "I need space" quietly turns into a two-day blackout. That's not regulation—that's avoidance. At AMG, the practice is simple and demanding: Rest. Regulate. Return. When done well, you'll notice: A settling nervous system Reduced reactivity More honest connection Weekly Practice This week, notice one moment when you want to shut down or get defensive. Stay present 10 seconds longer than you normally would. No fixing. No explaining. Just presence. Reflection Questions What masculinity model did you inherit? Where is it costing you connection? What would strength-as-presence look like this week? What's Next In Episode 2, we'll explore: Ownership vs. self-blame Coping vs. numbing Brotherhood as a legitimate mental health strategy Because men don't heal in isolation—and they never have.  

Drive Time Debrief – Episode 202 Random Internet Advice, Part 2: Protect Your Peace & Stop Worshiping the Problem In Part Two of our “Random Internet Advice” series, the DTD crew dives into more thought-provoking (and surprisingly wise) wisdom pulled from the endless scroll—this time inspired by @JessKR on TikTok. We unpack powerful ideas like: ✨ Why other people's opinions of you are truly none of your business ✨ How protecting your peace is often more important than proving a point ✨ What boundaries really mean (and why they actually help relationships last) ✨ Letting go of the need for universal approval ✨ Taking responsibility for your own happiness instead of outsourcing it ✨ And the mic-drop truth: Worrying is like worshiping the problem. Through stories from medicine, family life, relationships, and personal growth, we explore how to live from your values, honor your integrity, and stop letting conflict, criticism, or fear steal your emotional energy. From the wisdom of your 8-year-old and 80-year-old selves, to Terry Real's insight on the “losing strategy” of being right, to the freedom that comes from setting loving boundaries—this episode is packed with perspective-shifting takeaways. If you've ever felt drained by trying to manage others' opinions, stuck in endless worry loops, or tempted to sacrifice your peace just to make a point… this conversation is for you. Take a breath, protect your peace, and remember: where your attention goes, your energy flows.

This episode will change the way you show up in your love life - whether you're in a relationship, healing from one, or hoping to find the right one. If your relationship feels stuck, if the spark is gone, if you're always the one apologizing, or if you've been shutting down to avoid conflict, or you just wish things were a little bit better, you are not alone. What you'll learn here will completely transform how you love and how you're loved in return. Today, Mel is joined by one of the most powerful voices in modern therapy: Terry Real. Terry is a bestselling author, renowned couples therapist, and the founder of Relational Life Therapy. His private clients, including some of the most famous people in the world, pay $7,000 for a single session with him – and in this episode, you're getting his most transformational insights for free.This conversation is raw, practical, and packed with tools that will open your eyes and your heart. Mel shares vulnerable moments from her own 29-year marriage to her husband Chris, and Terry brings the kind of clarity that instantly changes how you think about yourself, your partner, and what love really requires.You'll learn:-What to do when you're the one who always gives-The mindset shift that makes real intimacy possible again-What to say when your partner shuts down, withdraws, or ignores you-How to hold someone accountable without turning it into a fight-Why most fights aren't about what you think they're about-And the habits that every successful relationship has in common This is a total reset on how you think about love, conflict, and connection. If you're tired of repeating the same arguments, feeling unseen, or wondering if things will ever change, this conversation shows you how to break the cycle and build the kind of relationship you didn't think was possible. For more resources related to today's episode, click here for the podcast episode page.  If you liked the episode, check out this one next: How To Create Better Relationships: 6 Surprising Lessons From 28 Years Of MarriageConnect with Mel:   Order Mel's new product, Pure Genius ProteinGet Mel's newsletter, packed with tools, coaching, and inspiration.Get Mel's #1 bestselling book, The Let Them TheoryWatch the episodes on YouTubeFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-freeDisclaimer Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Andrew Humberman BioSnap a weekly updated Biography.Dr Andrew Huberman, the Stanford neuroscientist behind the worlds top health podcast, dropped two blockbuster episodes in the past few days that are already buzzing across social feeds. On January 1, his Huberman Lab site premiered Essentials Micronutrients for Health and Longevity with Dr Rhonda Patrick, diving deep into vitamins, minerals, and their game-changing impact on aging and vitality a topic primed to shape wellness trends for years as Huberman cements his role as science popularizer supreme. Then came the heavy hitter Defining Healthy Masculinity and How to Build It with Terry Real on YouTube, posted around New Years, tackling mens soaring suicide rates, toxic old-school manhood, and the urgent need for emotional openness in guys think negotiation over demands in relationships, with Real warning of a global backlash against shifting gender roles. Huberman Labs own pages highlight it as essential listening for building confidence through male bonds, complete with sponsor plugs for AG1 and BetterHelp. No fresh public appearances or business deals popped up, but fan love exploded in comments praising Huberman as Nobel-worthy for life-altering nuggets on habits, hormones, and neuroplasticity. His upcoming Protocols book preorder dominates the site, promising nervous system rewiring tools that could redefine personal optimization. Social mentions spiked too, with Sahil Blooms Substack shouting out Hubermans book endorsement and clips like Chris Williamsons Why Drinkers Dont Like Non-Drinkers racking up views tying back to Hubermans booze science eps. Zero scandals or unconfirmed whispers just pure, verified momentum from a pod king whos quietly scripting the next era of self-improvement.Get the best deals https://amzn.to/3ODvOtaThis content was created in partnership and with the help of Artificial Intelligence AI

Andrew Humberman BioSnap a weekly updated Biography.Andrew Huberman, the Stanford neuroscientist and Huberman Lab podcast powerhouse, has been lighting up the final days of 2025 with fresh drops that could reshape how we chase peak performance into the new year. On December 29, the Huberman Lab site rolled out a guest episode titled Defining Healthy Masculinity and How to Build It with Terry Real, diving deep into relational dynamics and mens mental health a potential biographical milestone as Huberman cements his role as the go-to guru for Optimized Man vibes. Huberman Lab reports this as the latest in a string of heavy-hitters, following the December 25 Essentials episode on optimizing hormones for health and vitality with Dr. Kyle Gillett, which unpacked testosterone tweaks and longevity hacks for everyday warriors.Just days earlier, on December 25, Chris Williamsons Modern Wisdom YouTube channel premiered Life Hacks A Christmas Special 2025, a 2-hour romp reflecting on the years best brain boosters with nods to Hubermans protocols sparking buzz in podcast circles. UnHerd magazine spotlighted Huberman in its bombshell year-end piece 2025 the Year We Took the Red Pill, hailing him as a leader in the health-maxxing rebellion among young men ditching digital doom for real-world gains a cultural nod with legs amid the Great Unplugging.Social ripples hit too a December 28 Seventh Sense CBD article invoked Huberman explaining nicotines focus-boosting brain effects, while Sahil Blooms Substack The 25 Best Ideas of 2025 quoted him praising a book on life choices. No confirmed public appearances or business moves popped in the last few days, though YouTube clips like Reflections on 2025 Preview teased more. Speculation swirls on X about his next live event, but thats unverified chatter. Hubermans quiet empire-building keeps fans hooked, positioning him as 2026s vitality oracle.Get the best deals https://amzn.to/3ODvOtaThis content was created in partnership and with the help of Artificial Intelligence AI

Terry Real is a therapist and best-selling author expert on male emotional health and how men can build the skills for healthy relating to others: in relationships, work, friendships and to themselves. We discuss how mixed and ever-changing messages about what masculinity is are impacting the mental and physical health of men and boys. Terry explains how learning the skill of "relationality" leads to improvements in all aspects of boys' and men's lives and shares practical tools for how to do that. We also discuss the essential role of having a close male community to build confidence and self-esteem. This conversation offers actionable guidance for boys, men and women seeking to build healthier relationships with themselves and others. Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com. Thank you to our sponsors AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/huberman David: https://davidprotein.com/huberman Function: https://functionhealth.com/huberman Waking Up: https://wakingup.com/huberman Timestamps (00:00:00) Terry Real (00:02:53) Men & Masculinity, Political vs Psychological Patriarchy, Feminism (00:07:39) Stoicism, Vulnerability, Traditional Masculinity, Emotions (00:10:50) Sponsors: BetterHelp & David (00:13:14) Masculinity Across Decades, Giving; Gratification vs Relational Joy (00:21:54) Healthy Emotional Expression, Connection & Vulnerability; Self-Esteem (00:31:17) Feeling Emotions, Tools: Asking For Help; Fights & "What Do You Need?" (00:35:10) Self-Esteem & Relationship Accountability; Criticism, Redefining Strength (00:40:47) Sponsor: AG1 (00:42:32) Healthy Criticism, Tool: Women & Articulating Needs (00:50:21) Childlike Behavior, Wise Adult & Trauma, Tool: Relational Mindfulness (00:58:11) Tool: Responsible Distance Taking; Self-Interest; Relationship "Biosphere" (01:08:14) Alcohol, Men & Friends, Loneliness, Men's Retreat (01:17:51) Fraternities, Men's Groups, Tool: Relationship vs Individual Support (01:25:39) Sponsor: Function (01:27:27) Lack of Male Friends, Hiking, Community, Teaching Young Men (01:36:11) Cannabis, Alcohol, Young Men & Purpose, Flexibility & Manliness (01:40:40) Work, Life Purpose & Men; Skillful Warriors (01:45:01) Absent Fathers; Early Childhood & Proper Nurturing; Caretaking (01:53:24) Sponsor: Waking Up (01:54:47) Women & Speaking Relationally, Objectivity Battle (01:59:02) Addiction & Disconnection, 12-Step Meetings & Fellowship (02:08:04) Pornography, Internet, Intensity vs Intimacy; Optimization (02:11:57) Tool: Families & Hanging Out; Relational Joy; Relational Recovery (02:22:29) Giving Criticism, Tools: Make Requests; Feedback Wheel (02:28:21) Gratitude, Aging; Skillful Fighting in Relationship & Repair (02:34:17) Men & Self-Esteem, Mentors, Tool: Inner Dialogue without Harshness (02:44:00) Y Chromosome, Wholeness (02:48:00) Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow, Reviews & Feedback, Sponsors, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter Disclaimer & Disclosures Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You got hurt. So you hurt them back.You think you're standing up for yourself. You think you're evening the score. But really? You're just creating more pain.In this episode, Lilly breaks down the fourth of five losing strategies that keep you stuck in the same conflicts: retaliation. She explains what Terry Real calls “offending from the victim position,” why your nervous system wants payback, and how to stand up for yourself without tearing your partner down.This is Part 4 of a 5-part series on the losing strategies that sabotage your relationship and how to interrupt the cycle.In this episode, you'll learn:* What retaliation really is (offending from the victim position)* The difference between overt retaliation (direct attacks) and covert retaliation (passive-aggressive punishment)* Why your nervous system wants to make them feel what you feel* What victim mentality has to do with retaliation* Two powerful questions: What do you get out of being the victim? What do you get to avoid?* The real cost: Creates a cycle of payback, prevents repair, erodes trust* Why retaliation feels justified but destroys connection* How to recognize when you're in retaliation mode* How to name the hurt directly instead of punishing them* How to stand up for yourself with love (not vengeance)* How to let go of the scorecard and ask for what you need* The one question that changes everything: “Am I trying to hurt them back, or am I trying to repair this?”Connect with Lilly:* Work 1:1 with Lilly: support@lillyrachels.com* Website: www.growthovereasy.com This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.growthovereasy.com

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives. To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection” See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives. To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection” See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives. To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection” See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives. To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives. To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection” See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives. To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives. To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives.To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives.To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection” See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we're introducing you to Pulling the Thread, hosted by writer Elise Loehnen, who explores life's big questions with today's leading thinking, experts and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world? In today's episode we're joined by James Hollis, PhD is a Jungian analyst who is still in private practice in Washington D.C. Hollis started his career as a professor of humanities before a midlife crisis brought him to his knees—and to the Jung Institute in Zurich. The author of 19 books, Hollis is one of the best interpreters of Carl Jung’s work, making it accessible for all of us who want to understand how complexes, archetypes, synchronicities, and the shadow drive our lives. To hear more episode of Pulling the Thread, follow wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/PullingTheThreadfd MORE FROM JAMES HOLLIS, PhD: Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up A Life of Meaning: Relocating Your Center of Spiritual Gravity The Broken Mirror: Refracted Visions of Ourselves James Hollis’s Website RELATED EPISODES: Connie Zweig, “Embracing the Shadow” Satya Doyle Byock, “Navigating Quarterlife” Terry Real, “Healing Male Depression” Niobe Way, PhD, “The Critical Need for Deep Connection”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You think you're just being honest. You're actually overwhelming your partner.You've been holding it in all day. All week. Then it explodes. You say everything. You let it all out. And your partner shuts down, gets defensive, or walks away.In this episode, Lilly breaks down the third of five losing strategies that keep you stuck in the same conflicts: unbridled self-expression. She explains what Terry Real calls “the barf bag approach to intimacy,” why your nervous system floods, and how to express yourself without creating emotional debris.This is Part 3 of a 5-part series on the losing strategies that sabotage your relationship and how to interrupt the cycle.In this episode, you'll learn:* What unbridled self-expression really is (the “barf bag approach”)* Why “being honest” without consideration destroys connection* What's happening in your nervous system when you're flooded* The difference between expressing emotion and emotional dumping* Why your partner can't hear you when you're venting without filter* How “always” and “never” statements shut down conversation* The real cost of prioritizing discharge over connection* How to recognize when you're flooded (outside your window of tolerance)* How to take a responsible time out (15 minutes, then come back)* The 7-10 whys exercise to get specific instead of generalizing* Terry Real's Feedback Wheel: What I saw, Story I made up, How I feel, What I'd like* The one question that changes everything: “Am I saying this to be heard, or am I saying this to release?”Connect with Lilly:* Work 1:1 with Lilly: support@lillyrachels.com* Website: lillyrachels.com This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.lillyrachels.com

Women in midlife are questioning their marriages at record rates often feeling more independent, less willing to people-please, and deeply hungry for real emotional connection. But what is actually happening inside women (and men) during this season of life? In this timely and powerful episode, I sit down with renowned therapist and bestselling author Terry Real to unpack what's really driving the "gray divorce" trend — and why so many long-term relationships feel strained during perimenopause and postmenopause. And if you've ever wondered whether midlife relationship struggles mean your marriage is broken or simply ready to evolve, this episode offers the nuance, compassion, and tools that short-form advice can't. To view full show notes, resources mentioned, discount codes, transcripts, and more, visit https://drmindypelz.com/ep318/ Check out our community membership at https://resetacademy.drmindypelz.com Please note our medical disclaimer.

Send us a textPoised in between the slings and arrows of early childhood (i.e., the Wounded Child) and the emergence of the Wise Adult, the Adaptive Child becomes our friend and our go-to personality more often than not. Jerry and Kristy pay homage to it, while discussing the real-life repercussions of your Adaptive Child for your relationships. 

In 2022 I was deep into therapy regarding my marriage and myself. My counselor at the time recommended a book, “​​I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression,” by a therapist named Terry Real. I read the book and opened up a whole new level of understanding about myself. Terry then released a book titled US: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, which my therapist also recommended. Shortly after I was contacted by an agency about having Terry on this podcast. He was being touted as actress Gwyneth Paltrow's favorite relational therapist and was being praised by actor Bradley Cooper, psychotherapist Esther Perel, and the forward to the book is a candid, vulnerable story from Bruce Springsteen where he shares, “At age thirty two I hit an emotional wall and realized I was lost in a deep dark forest, largely of my own making, without a map. So began forty years of trying to find my way through the shadowed trees, down to the river of a sustaining life. Terry Real has been a guide and this book is a map through those trees.” For me the book revealed much about how I perceived a separateness in my relationships that was not helping create connection and intimacy. In Us, Terry showcases how we culturally live as “you and me” when the bedrock of our being is us. I agree. Find Terry at terryreal.com. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this episode, Lilly breaks down the repair process that actually works using Terry Real's Feedback Wheel. She explains the two biggest mistakes we make when trying to repair after conflict.This episode is for you if you feel like you're always apologizing but nothing ever gets resolved, if conflicts drag on for days instead of clearing in minutes, or if you're tired of walking on eggshells in your own relationship.In this episode, you'll learn:* The 4-step Feedback Wheel for clearing conflict fast* Why adding your own grievance during her repair attempt backfires* How defending your intentions makes your partner feel invalidated* How to own your part without losing yourself in the process* Why dealing with one problem at a time clears conflict faster* How to end repair conversations without making them worseThis episode is for you if:* You feel like you're always apologizing but nothing changes* Conflicts drag on for days instead of getting resolved* You want to clear fights faster so you can get back to enjoying each other* You're tired of walking on eggshells at homeConnect with Lilly:* Join UNDEFEATED (FREE 3 Day Intensive for Men, Dec 8 to 10, 6pm CT): Learn how to lead your relationship and handle conflict without losing yourself. https://stan.store/lillyrachels/p/undefeated* Work 1 on 1 with Lilly: support@lillyrachels.com This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.lillyrachels.com

In this episode of The Sacred Speaks, host Dr. John W. Price sits down with pioneering therapist and author Terry Real, whose decades of work have redefined how we understand men, relationships, and emotional life. Nearly thirty years after the release of his groundbreaking book I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, Terry reflects on the evolution of men's inner worlds, the cultural forces that still shape them, and the courageous work required to heal. This conversation moves between the personal and the collective—between the suffering of individual men and the systems that taught them to suffer silently. Together, John and Terry explore how patriarchy has halved both men and women, severing men from their emotional lives, and how healing requires a return to connection, empathy, and embodied relational practice. Through heartfelt stories, clinical insight, and grounded wisdom, Terry calls us toward a new model of masculinity—one rooted not in dominance or disconnection but in courage, accountability, and love. This episode is an invitation to anyone longing to understand the hidden pain of men and the pathways toward relational wholeness. Key Themes -Male depression as a covert epidemic—often masked by addiction, anger, or withdrawal rather than sadness. -How patriarchy teaches men to fear vulnerability and equate worth with production, control, and performance. -The intergenerational inheritance of silence and shame between fathers and sons. -Why true intimacy depends on empathy, humility, and repair—not dominance or emotional avoidance. -The call for a new relational culture that honors interdependence and shared healing. Time Stamps 00:00 – Introduction & framing the conversation 03:00 – Revisiting I Don't Want to Talk About It nearly 30 years later 06:30 – How patriarchy harms men and the women who love them 10:45 – Understanding covert male depression 16:20 – The producer model: when net worth becomes self-worth 22:10 – Loneliness and the erosion of male friendship 29:40 – Family systems, shame, and the father wound 37:15 – Relational Life Therapy: a model for repair 44:00 – Vulnerability as strength 50:30 – Healing through accountability and compassion 58:00 – The future of masculinity and relational wholeness Connect with Terry Real Explore Terry's courses and trainings in Relational Life Therapy (RLT) for both professionals and general audiences:

Communication in marriage breaks down when one partner can't open up - and often, it's the men who struggle most with vulnerability. In this practical, tool-filled conversation, Christa sits down with couples therapist Shane Birkel, a Type 7 and certified Relational Life Therapist who worked closely with Terry Real as his mentor. Shane is the host of Couples Therapy for Parents podcast and has been featured in Men's Health, Cosmopolitan, USA Today, and The New York Times. In this 7-7 pairing conversation, they do a deep dive into how men can actually open up in marriage and what their partners can do to help. Shane breaks down the speaker-listener technique - a research-backed communication tool that creates safety for hard conversations and helps men access and articulate their emotions. Learn why men shut down emotionally, how to explore patterns you may not even be aware of, and practical steps to help your husband (or yourself) begin to have more control of emotions and feel excited about the relationship again with the speaker-listener technique. Whether you're a man who knows you need to open up more or a partner exhausted from trying to connect, this episode delivers actionable marriage tips you can use tonight. Shane's RLT training and practical wisdom make this a must-listen for anyone who wants better communication in their marriage. Watch on YouTube! Find and follow Shane on his website here: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/ Listen to the Couples Therapist Couch pod w/Shane right here: https://podcasts.apple.com/mu/podcast/the-couples-therapist-couch/id1281853816 Follow Shane on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/shanebirkel/?hl=en Follow Shane on TikTok here: https://www.tiktok.com/@shanebirkel?lang=en Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to enneagramandmarriage@gmail.com. Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Shownotes Terry's “grid” that reveals how your trauma shows up in relationships The difference between individual empowerment and relational empowerment Which quadrant of the grid Layla is on and how she got there Why Terry calls our relationships our “biosphere” Terry's best advice for shifting out of anger and into connection A powerful guided boundary practice to follow along with   Bio   Terry Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker and best-selling author committed to helping you build the lasting, loving relationships you deserve.   The author of four books, including the recent New York Times bestseller Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, Terry knows how to lead people on a step-by-step journey to greater intimacy and personal fulfillment.   His revolutionary approach to couples therapy, Relational Life Therapy (RLT), underpins all of his books, courses and teachings. RLT equips people with the powerful relational skills they need to make love work and cultivate authentic connections – to themselves, each other and the planet as a whole.   A former senior faculty member of the Family Institute of Cambridge in Massachusetts and a retired Clinical Fellow of the Meadows Institute in Arizona, Terry has worked with thousands of individuals, couples and fellow therapists. His extraordinary ability to save couples on the brink of divorce garnered Terry the reputation of “the turnaround guy,” and demand from other therapists to learn his RLT method skyrocketed.   To bring the remarkable results of RLT to as many people as possible, Terry established his Relational Life Institute. To date, thousands of mental health practitioners have benefited from a whole new perspective on couples therapy that has transformed their clients, their practice and their own relationships.   Terry is passionately committed to empowering us all with the essential relational skills for meaningful relationships.   Learn more about Terry's work on his website and take his FREE quiz.   Timestamps 00:00:56 - Guest introduction 00:01:12 - What Terry's book Fierce Intimacy taught Layla 00:05:03 - Sign up for Layla's newsletter at LaylaMartin.com 00:05:43 - Terry shares the work that inspired his grid 00:07:00 - Terry's “grid” that reveals how your trauma shows up in relationships 00:09:47 - Why we have a hard time centering our own self-esteem 00:11:21 - Terry gives a real life example of self-esteem 00:15:33 - How to get out of one down or one up on the grid 00:21:10 - Say whatever you have to say, but do it from the heart 00:23:55 - Individual empowerment vs relational empowerment 00:26:10 - Discover the VITA™ Sex, Love and Relationship Coaching Certification  00:28:41 - Why Terry believes that our relationships are our biosphere 00:37:54 - Unlock your deepest pleasure with MOOD SEX MAGIC™ Elixir 00:38:42 - Layla reveals which quadrant she is in on the grid 00:46:36 - What allowed Layla's pain and desperation to finally dissolve 00:48:52 - Terry guides Layla through an inner child exercise 00:57:45 - Discover your sexual potential inside VITA™ Sacred Sexuality 01:01:38 - The mysticism of marriage 01:07:55 - How Layla chose to be happy no matter what her partner is doing 01:10:50 - Guidance on how to shift out of anger 01:15:44 - Terry guides Layla and listeners through a boundary exercise 01:20:53 - Take Terry's quiz to find out where you are on the grid 01:22:08 - Conclusion  

For Father's Day, the Modern Love team asked for your stories about fatherhood and emotional vulnerability. They heard from listeners who said that their dads rarely expressed their emotions, from listeners whose fathers wore their hearts on their sleeves and from fathers themselves who were trying to navigate parenting with emotional honesty and sensitivity. The stories had one thing in common: even just a peek into a father's emotional world meant so much.On this episode of Modern Love, we hear listener's stories about their dads. Then, Terry Real, a family therapist, returns to the show to offer his advice on being a father while also showing kids what it means to be emotionally vulnerable and available. He offers his philosophy around parenting through a combination of techniques.For more Modern Love, search for the show wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Wednesday.  Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

For Father's Day, the Modern Love team asked for your stories about fatherhood and emotional vulnerability. We heard from listeners who told us that their dads rarely expressed their emotions, from listeners whose fathers wore their hearts on their sleeves and from fathers themselves who were trying to navigate parenting with emotional honesty and sensitivity. Your stories had one thing in common: even just a peek into your father's emotional world meant so much.On this episode of Modern Love, we hear your stories about your dads. Then, Terry Real, a family therapist, returns to the show to offer his advice on being a father while also showing kids what it means to be emotionally vulnerable and available. He offers his philosophy around parenting through a combination of techniques.Here's how to submit a Modern Love essay to The New York Times.Here's how to submit a Tiny Love Story. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

A session with Terry Real, a marriage and family therapist, can get uncomfortable. He's known to mirror and amplify the emotions of his clients, sometimes cursing and nearly yelling, often in an attempt to get men in touch with the emotions they're not used to honoring.Real says men are often pushed to shut off their expression of vulnerability when they're young as part of the process of becoming a man. That process, he says, can lead to myriad problems in their relationships. He sees it as his job to pull them back into vulnerability and intimacy, reconfiguring their understanding of masculinity in order to build more wholesome and connected families.In this episode, Real explains why vulnerability is so essential to healthy masculinity and why his work with men feels more urgent than ever. He explains why he thinks our current models of masculinity are broken and what it will take to build new ones.This episode was inspired by a New York Times Magazine piece, “How I Learned That the Problem in My Marriage Was Me” by Daniel Oppenheimer.For more Modern Love, search for the show wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Wednesday. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.