Movie Night

Pow! Right in the kisser! Requiem for a Heavyweight gives us a first-person perspective of what it's like to be punched in the face by Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali.) Ouch. But that's not as bad as sitting beneath a giant swing-arm desk lamp, sweating for a podcast recording. Take a good look in the mirror and then say goodbye to what you see.

Everything went south after 16 minutes and 35 seconds, but why deprive you of Akira because of our technical gaffe? Amoebas don't make motorcycles and atomic bombs!

We breeze through the plot of 1994's Blown Away. A movie about big name actors and wind. Not wind, bombs. Hi, Frank. Would you go on a first date at a chain restaurant? Does television ubiquity stress you out? Bye, Frank. Two mustards, please.

Once more, a sequel. A sequel again! The Exoricst III. Or The Exorcist 3. We don't fear hell. Christian names. Turlet. Fractured sentences. It's the smiles that keep us going. The bits of giggles and good cheer.

Was that a horse? Drumroll please...that WAS a horse. Whiplash is about jazz, obviously. Did I say jazz? I meant jerks. Raised voices, some strong-ish opinions and a mysterious knock at the door. Good job. What are you... there's no fucking Mars Bar down there, what are you looking at?

Toilet talk. Both kinds. And a slow-paced, shuffle-y discussion of Robert Altman's slow-paced, shuffle-y film The Long Goodbye. We dedicate more time to the movie than usual. Whether that's (number one) good or (number two) bad is up to you, the listener. You're gonna take that goddamn J.C. Penney tie off and we're gonna have an old fashioned man-to-man drinking party.

Sidney and Paul (Poitier and Newman) return! Paris Blues is about jazz, obviously. While certain beloved members of the M’Night Crew are missing, the mood somehow remains positive. Having trouble making new friends? You should probably nap more. This episode was not sponsored by, and will never be heard by, the city of Atlanta. Well, a vacation certainly goes awfully fast, doesn't it, when you're having a good time.

We attempt to honor the late Leonard Nimoy with his first staring role, Kid Monk Baroni. A pleasant enough movie about a street tough turned disfigured(?) boxer. Punching technique is questioned. As well as Spock’s sitar prowess (turns out, he had none, although he was quite a lutist). If a hard open on popped knuckles sounds off-putting, unsubscribe now. Sometimes in anger one forgets the Lord but never the knack of throwing a left jab.

Mission accomplished! We hit five score with a very special outing to our local multiplex to watch our first Movie Night documentary, Finding Vivian Maier. Since it's late February in Illinois, we nearly freeze to death in the worst way possible – in an oversized van in a snowy parking lot, bellies full of salty popcorn, trying to make art for you people.

Greetings, Starfighter! You are watching The Last Starfighter, a movie you last saw in 1984 while wearing very short shorts. Did you know that there's a connection with The Music Man? You don't care? Then let's talk about the elephant in the room – the 100th episode of Movie Night. We're going out to the cinema and there is much planning to do. So let's talk bananas instead. One member of our group abhors them (bananas!) while another eats three a day (also bananas!) This, is my Wife-oid, and six thousand little grig-lets.

We finally pick a sequel without watching the original movie! F/X 2 gives us men in breast prosthetics, robot clowns and hot dogs in tennis ball cannons. Yes, you guessed right – it's great 1990s fun. After a brief digression about clown songs, we turn our full attention to the demise of the mall. Did you know that you can't get hot nuts just any time of year? Rollie you dumb bastard, the mob wasn't stealing them; they were returning them to the Vatican.

No animals were harmed in the making of this podcast. How this relates to Her is difficult to understand, but every episode must have a beginning. This film unearths surprising annoyance among some in our group. Too twee? Maybe. Too shallow? Perhaps. We finally debate gifts from previous romantic partners while a certain noisy stomach ruins the mood. You're dating an OS? What is that like?

We join the bad boys of Japan in Kurahara's The Warped Ones. And girl – who spends many, many minutes using her grating laugh as an effective weapon. But we enjoy the cinematography, which is decades more modern than this film's 1960's origin. Imagine a window open at night. There's a horrible scream. What do you do? Only guys who can't appreciate jazz get into fights.

“I don’t feel like talking.” Yes, it’s the perfect intro for our podcast. We all seem to agree that Spike Lee laid an egg with Da Sweet Blood of Jesus. It's a sucky vampire movie – get it?! We discuss the finer points of bleeding. Our quieter member casually mentions that she’s watched movies at 1.5x speed, which is truly bananas. Someday we’ll rise up against our soft drink overlords, but not yet. Good luck at the robotic soda fountain, listener! It's a lovely day.

Who’s ready to pound a ‘nog? The holidays may be over, but the spirit never dies. We blast Joan Baez and keep our gaze locked on the crazy eyes of Bruce Dern in Silent Running. Sing along with us: Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum. A big hello to the sheriff, who is probably, most certainly (not) a listener. Something about cantaloupes being rolled out of a moving car causes them to explode? You are NOT using those things in my forest.

Ahh! We almost have a medical emergency on our hands within the first 3 seconds. But what a start to the episode! They Live, right? Speaking of living, did anyone else learn to tie a necktie in their high school gym class? Anyone? This seems insane, but the topic of boots comes up AGAIN. Brother, life's a bitch... and she's back in heat.

We welcome a guest on this episode – hello to Matt from Spain! Ready to dogfood this podcast? Starred Up is frankly one of the best prison dramas. The thick across-the-pond accents may tempt you to flip on subtitles, but please resist. What's prison like, anyway? In this case, your private/delicate/beautiful/special parts may be in danger. We bring up a million other movies at random and settle in for a bit of grilling shop talk. Oi!

Woo, Tangerine Dream! Woo, eggnog! These seemingly unrelated items have one thing in common – passionate haters. But back to the first – Thief was, as one reviewer aptly put, a Mannsterpiece. Basically, it's Drive but THREE DECADES EARLIER. Have you ever skipped class to go to the movies? Doesn't matter, because we are soon paneling on grilling and uttering dirty words like "padiddle." If I wanna meet people, I'll go to a fuckin' country club.

A man is accused of child molestation and here we are having fun. The Hunt is excellent moviemaking, though, so don't let the seriousness scare you away. A tangent is introduced (shooting guns and throwing knives) and we return to the stress of our upcoming 100th episode. Tales from Omaha are probably not good podcast fodder. The world is full of evil but if we hold on to each other, it goes away.

Boot talk to kick us off. Some of us aren't used to these ankle shackles. We welcome Elaine May back to Movie Night with The Heartbreak Kid. But that's not the only item on the menu – a film about a miniature man inside another man's body is accidentally discussed. Basically, we set a new precedent by only discussing movies and not our usual assortment of nonsense. There's no insincerity in those potatoes. There's no deceit in the cauliflower.

To China we go. Ip Man is technically a true story, but only if you ratchet back some killer martial arts moves. Then it's time for a recap of a Todd Rundgren show. Spoiler alert: it was great. A UFO sighting! These happen with surprising frequency at Movie Night. Or maybe it's Santa in November – bringing you the Christmas songs that all but one of you hate. If you have the guts, go beat them! Beat as many as you can!

Don't call me Shirley. It's difficult to talk about Airplane! and avoid the indelible phrase. We swap a few memories (nightmares) from 30,000 feet and, geez, we're in a jolly good mood! Until eggnog is mentioned and the haters emerge. Also worth hating? Old-fashioned bell alarm clocks. Alas. Jim never vomits at home.

Paul Newman is pretty. He's a pretty man in Cool Man Luke, or any other movie for that matter. It's also a Top 3 Thirsty Movie. One of our members is grilled about his egg habits. Eight in one session? Now, time for a groundhog update from our resident expert. Could you let us know if anyone self-identifies as a dweeb? There's no playing grab-ass or fighting in the building. You got a grudge against another man, you fight him Saturday afternoon. Any man playing grab-ass or fighting in the building spends a night in the box.

What if we promised that this is the longest synopsis we’ll ever foist on you? It’s dreadfully long – Scanners somehow brought out the worst in us. So we try giving this episode the 1000 cuts treatment and only partially succeed in saving your attention. Meanwhile, there’s dual defecation distracting us from important discussion of our desert-island movie picks. Do we even carry on? There's no need for that. It's just internal switching.

What happens when nobody is prepared to pick a movie? We all pick a movie! Gremlins gently reminds us that no one should eat after midnight. Then man boots (boots of men) end up being an unusually lively topic of conversation. Boots, not boobs. And did you know that horses come in different sizes? They put em in cars, they put em in yer tv. They put em in stereos and those little radios you stick in your ears. They even put em in watches, they have teeny gremlins for our watches!

It's been no secret that one lonely member of the Movie Night™ crew is a big fan of Nicolas Cage. Vampire's Kiss gives us his trademark manic approach with a slight tinge of regret – is this about mental illness? Is it even really a comedy? These are questions for academia. We'll take the remainder of our time trading horse tips. But is it easier to ride a horse than to fly a helicopter? It's all alphabetical. You just PUT it IN the right file! According to ALPHABETICAL ORDER! You know - A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

Vincent Price in the house! The Last Man on Earth kicks off the Halloween season right. There's been a burglary at Movie Night™ headquarters and a frozen dessert treat is missing. That's usually a cue for conspiracy theorists, so we take an abnormal amount of time pinning blame. It involves window screen installation. Ladies? Let's get a chipmunk/groundhog/animal update. You're freaks, all of you! All of you, freaks, mutations!

A surprising pick from Brenda, who has never pulled from the ancient 1960s. Lilies of the Field will ensure that a certain song will be stuck in your head for all eternity. Want to be horrified? Think of one of those giant pin art displays and imagine having those metal pins hitting the back of your throat. Gak. Let's try to forget that idea. We wonder what happens to conscious thought when in suspended animation. An innocent pair of binoculars becomes a suspicious tool of evil and we discuss forbidden movies (the results aren't typical.) That's a Catholic breakfast, ain't it?

No, it's not Momento. But Following certainly begat the Christopher Nolan compendium. In his honor, we'll be conducting this episode/interrogation out of chronological order. What if you were fingered for murder by police when the victim choked on popcorn? Would real food look edible in black and white? A thin man may attempt to play a fat one for Halloween. Go ahead, spill the movie that causes you the most guilt for having never seen. Everyone has a box.

It's our first Jarmusch for our humble gathering – Mystery Train. We are in unanimous agreement that Screamin' Jay Hawkins steals the show. This week's surprise revelation is that one of our members has never hailed a cab. When will we watch our first pick at an honest-to-God movie theater? It could be ANY WEEK! Car bras and catching coons. "Jiffy Squid"? Turn that damn thing off!

This will be complicated. We watched another movie titled House back at episode 64, but this one is different. Still the horror genre, but one decade later. And it's not Poltergeist either. Maybe we should have watched this on LaserDisc? Finally, please don't put Mentholatum or Vicks directly on your nostrils. Solitude's always better with somebody else around, ya know?

Finally! A proper microphone setup. We're terribly sorry for the 40 episodes that came before. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb creates some trouble for titling, so let's just go with the good doctor's name. An old topic comes back to life – Zingers! Those Hostess snack cakes, remember? Most incredibly, one of our vegetarian members stuffs his gullet full of octopus. Whoa. Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.

Bring on the B-movie horror! The Manster would be a piece of cake for your grade school teacher to diagram – is he man or is he monster? Why not both! We pit the 1970s against the 1990s for most hated cultural decade. And there's some Leonard Maltin hatred brewing. I don't want this experiment repeated...ever!

We're short-staffed tonight, but have an important duty – memorializing Robin Williams. Was The Fisher King the right choice? Who really knows. Dogs hunting rats is a New York City thing, though. That's for certain. Death is definitely a penalty! It ain't no fuckin' gift!

Does anyone need a cigarette? This episode is a first for the Movie Night™ crew – an animated movie titled Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. It's anime, so there's a sort of secret shame that becomes evident for one of our own. To recover, we reminisce on the age of Dine-In Delivery services. It's rotting... it's too soon...

Logan's Run was a last-minute emergency pick, but that doesn't mean that we liked it any less. We decide that we should pull a movie out of a hat at random for future quandaries. Trust us on this one: Indianapolis is not a great city. Did anyone else go to school-sponsored skating parties in elementary school? No one? Okay. Capricorn 15's. Year of the city - 2274. Carousel begins.

With a headline that screams horror movie, Wake in Fright really has more in common with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas – if it were set in Australia. It makes us thirsty. For beer. What's the matter with him? He'd rather talk to a woman than drink?

Damn these technical issues! If you can ignore intermittent microphone problems, you might have a chance to hear us discussing Gattaca with a fervor probably undeserving. There shouldn't be this much to argue about. Then it's time to discuss something extremely important – the inaugural Movie Night™ awards. For future reference, right-handed men don't hold it with their left. Just one of those things.

Let's Blow-Up! The consensus is that while it's not an explosive piece of great cinema, it has some good moments (but definitely, definitely too long.) We quickly kill the idea of a Movie Night™ theme song, although who really knows if it'll stick? Then it's off to the philosophical races – one man's fear that he'll never see all the movies he needs to in his lifetime. Bee rampages and kindergarten twice. Nothing like a little disaster for sorting things out.

The Last Boy Scout is the quintessential Movie Night™ pick, the type of film that can only be watched in a group while drinking. We then wonder why we don't hate Bruce Willis – I mean, we should, right? Look at that crisp, white T-shirt. Finally, we get down to the rather involved story of a member breaking into a local cathedral. She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

Our longest episode yet! We are reminded that Bicycle Thieves is indeed an important piece of cinema. Don't steal. Now, an important question – how big is your head? Big enough for "The Big Head Club"? Regardless, it's time to find a theme song for this podcast. Maybe after we learn that one of our members has a reputation for kicking holes in things. You must plant your seeds in another field. Do you understand what I mean?

Hey, look! It's the e-cigs guy! We watch chain-smoking vampire Stephen Dorff (and Wesley Snipes) in Blade. Since it's nearly summer, we turn our attention to swimming memories – and realize that they aren't always positive. And speaking of blood, this seems like a good time to question the vegetarian motives of one of our members. We're not exactly the March of Dimes.

Oh no! Half of the Movie Night™ members are missing! We soldier on (on Memorial Day) with Downton Abbey's predecessor, Gosford Park. There's really no difference between the two period dramas. Even Maggie Smith is identical. Urgent haircut discussion saves us from the early 20th century and we cut the whole thing short. When a man's as short as you are, it must be difficult to gauge the height of the birds.

We get rather serious about world affairs (particularly of the Middle East) with the Palestinian movie Omar. Add a dash of Sandra Bullock/Cameron Diaz/actress/actor hate, then a dead bird that's hung itself ominously in Downtown Peoria. Hungry for cereal? You only get coffee if you do Brando.

The box said something about it being a psychedelic ghost tale, but rest assured that this House (or Hausu) has no rules. Also scary? Moths, apparently. Your neighbors' wireless network name. Donating plasma. You're so cool, Kung Fu.

With the soothing sounds of traffic and outside nonsense, we embark on the perfect Cinco de Mayo movie – Slaughterhouse-Five. I mean, right? Then it's time for a lengthy discussion (with godawful audio dropouts) about the St. Louis Arch and one hellishly long arm hair. Believe it or not! That corporal. He'll get back home after the war. He'll be a big hero. Dames'll be climbin' all over him.

Remember that string of black comedies by Martin Scorsese in the 1980s? No? Come with us to After Hours. But soon the questions begin to overtake our poor group – is a home run or triple harder to hit? Have you ever had light bulbs delivered unsolicited? Will anyone listen to an hour and a half podcast episode? I said I wanna see a Plaster of Paris bagel and cream cheese paperweight, now cough it up.

Uh oh, a blind pick! Once we get through watching this schlock, we take great joy in beating it up like your average playground bully. For over 30 minutes! But we do learn that a member among us bought THREE penny whistles in Ireland and that there's a new mechanical bull closer to home. I'm just tying me laces, man.

Welcome to Iran! We’re here for a movie about the making of a movie – A Moment of Innocence – which makes for a difficult and terrifically slow start to this episode. But if you make it out alive, things barely pick up after a half-hour and we start talking about the dead (or nearly dead.) What a nightmare! I can see she’s underlined the good bits.

A classic silent film with an ironically great soundtrack – 1928's The Passion of Joan of Arc. On the agenda for us this week: Bucket hats of PBR cans, books from Illinois' Secretary of State, faxes and last name confusion. But have you ever "vamped"? And do you really know what a "kangaroo court" is? That has nothing to do with this trial!

Words never before uttered at Movie Night™: I hate that movie. We move on to creepy institutions like Gary Puckett, downtown car glamor shots and yet another haircut update. But nothing gets the group more animated than a good, ol'-fashioned breadstick bashing. I am a ghost. I am a ghost. I am a ghost.