Highball Time with Uncle Otis

Who would have thought that winding up in a pot of boiling water somewhere in New Guinea would turn into a campaign line eighty years later?  VOTE FOR JOE - CANNIBALS ATE HIS UNCLE!   It's damn creative, I'll give ‘em that. Just falls right off the bone.  You've even got a little primitive culture going on there to help satisfy the lunatic fringe at Columbia.  But Mono-Clonal just means 1 clown!  And this one's about to roll back in and hand the keys over to Gang Green.  That's when this cannibal thing really grows teeth.  Otis Explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Here at the Discount Think Tank we're always on hot standby for the next big thing.  And in America that would be losing weight. It's all they can talk about at the Waffle House.  No exercise, just take the shot and get skinny.  It's a sweet deal.  But have you heard about the move to Diet Shampoo!  Regular shampoo just adds calories, so if you switch to diet shampoo you could have more cheesecake!  It's so easy.  Stop overwhelming your outfit and buy up all the shares you can get for diet shampoo.  The Waffle House is never wrong.  It will be bigger than the plexiglass craze.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Their you are, coming back from somewhere you're not supposed to be, when suddenly your Crown Vic slows to a crawl all by itself.   You got gas, what's going on?  Welcome to the New America Jerry Wayne, where the correct people can turn off your ride right there from Kamala's desk!  Could be worse - you could be coming back from an Orange Man rally or just picking up a new crab net at Bass Pro Shop!  You'd be sitting there all night then to think about what a bad boy you've been, you filthy pig.Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands  

If the insult of turkey bacon wasn't enough for you, say hello to AI for Pets.  Let's say your pup is outside waiting for the snow cone truck when suddenly he gets a terrible itch.  He can't let that itch to win and miss the snow cone truck (even though it does come back tomorrow) so AI for Pets kicks in to find where that itch is coming from and get to it quicker.  Way better than Memory Foam, A.I. for pets means a tail-wagging good time for little Bingo.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Now you can get the same IV drip the President gets before he has to talk.  It's called The Weasel, and it helps you yell out in short, sassy bursts for at least an hour if you need to impress the media.  And nobody has to know!  If The Weasel doesn't kill you first, it'll damn sure get you up on your hind legs and ready for your next tractor pull.   That little man in your ear telling you what to say still takes care of everything – so you're good.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Those cats at the Wuhan Lab are all excited about their new 100% lethal brew they've been cooking up for the west. “No more fooling around,” said the Veloso-raptor of the wet market, “Our newest Chinese virus is 100% deadly to humanized mice.”  That's cute and all but how can you tell if your mice are humanized or not?  What exactly do you look for?  What gives it away?  Otis and the salty scholars at the Bait Camp/Think Tank want to know.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Thanks to a new government program, your spare bedroom can help welcome the rest of the world to your house, right here in the New America!  TicTok knows if you have a spare room and is ready to tell on you - it's so international.  Otis explains.    Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Everybody deserves a shot, even Blind Pilots. So what if they can't see.  Overcoming diversity and stuff is way more important.   Enter Activist Airlines who quietly announced a brave new equity and inclusion program that is set to hand the keys to world's first Blind Pilot.  The subject proudly earned his pilot's license after two years of theoretical aviation.  And of course the usual 1,500 hours of flight time was waived just to make it fair.   So keep an eye out for news of flight 2034 from Orlando to Saint Louis, the first vision-impaired flight over the US.  Once the black box is recovered from the site we will learn more.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

 Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't still sell tickets.  Say hello to AI Elvis, in case you missed it the first time while he was still warm.  Relive it all with AI Elvis - pretend entertainment from the time before filtered water when Poxy Lady was playing on the radio and ThighMaster was all over TV.  Think of it like a tour of Lake Flaccid, with nurses standing by in case you need to let the dough rise twice.  AI Elvis is just the first to pop out of God's waiting room.  Who'll be next?   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Sleepy Joey really likes being the Big Cheese, and now he wants you to make him big cheese again.  Four more years Joey, that's a lot of cheese!  Remember, after Bernie you were just the other white meat.   When you're the big cheese you can say whatever crazy stuff you want, like, “that border is closed, economy is good, crime is down” and no body yells at you because, well, you're the big cheese!  But let's say that cheese is orange, then everything is different!   Maybe orange cheese is just too strong!  It never goes flat or gets soft and gooey like the kind they put in the mouse trap to lure the wife of the people.  Orange cheese will act like a natural diuretic to flush out those shiny razor blades from your election day apple.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

In California, drinking toilet water is the next step in the transformation to full crazy.  “People are naturally moisture wicking,” said Governor Tapeworm, and we're going to squeeze it out of ‘em to keep the pipes full.”  What a pant load!  Squeezing water out of the California sewer system can tell you a lot about the last guy - if you really want to know.  You can tell if he smoked menthols or liked jalapenos - probably not something you need to think about but there it is anyway!  Humm, single malt! Hear podcast ~ Wash hands

If you're at least 16, the Donkey tribe says you're ready to vote. They're sure you'll vote for them, so why not.   Whispering Joe and his dark passenger Giggles are getting desperate, so this might be the only move left.  But here's the thing, voting at 16 is like playing mumbly peg with the ballot.  You never really know where the sharp end is going to land.  Remember, there's a reason why glass blowers don't inhale.  Just picture yourself voting at 16, scary isn't it.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Your kitchen appliances listen to everything you say. They hear it all and nark on you to cyber command.  Mention buying a Lexus in front of the toaster and a salesman will be headed your way before you can snap out of it and come to your senses.  It knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you're awake. Remember this is how Hunter got caught!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

California Governor, the one who wears the wreck of the Exxon Valdez on his head, decided to pack up all the street people in San Fran, have them smell checked, and then shipped them out of town before heavy cats coming in for the big meeting got an eyeful of the homeless and their droppings.  “It's like picking up your dirty socks and putting them in the hamper before guests arrive,” said the Governor, just before send everyone out for a weekend of glamping in Oakland.  Like Kamala said, we need to reduce population!  Oh no - better do a head count to see how many come back. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

It's Musk vs. Soros in our first Otis Speed Dating Debates.  Musk opens by explaining that the word Soros comes from the Flemish root word “sore” which means “make everyone miserable,” a life-long passion for young George that began when rooting for whatever bad guy Roy Rogers was up against that week on TV.  “More misery,” cried George, while while cheering for the bad guys to get let out of cowboy jail!  “They're just oppressed victims of the system,” he would tell his little friends who were waiting to see for the bad guys to get another good punch in the nose from Roy Rogers. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

If you are still on the fence over Bidenomics, maybe this will shove you off.  If you're being punished and have to live in New York, you'll get to pay eighteen bucks for a Big Mac, and that's before global warming tax and diversity tax there to help with the guilt of just being you – you filthy pig!  It's the wonder of Bidenomics.  And when you're living with a combustible mixture of ignorance and power, the effects can linger.  So HIDE YOUR STUFF!  Dig a hole in the back yard and bury your stuff in it!  Cover it up with dirt and burn the shovel. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The ThighMaster lady who used to be on TV showing you how to tame those saddle bags is gone now.  So you're on your own to squeeze and release.  When there's just too much groceries, ThighMaster has to work overtime trying to put it all back in the bag.  Never have so many spilled out so much!  You would think people would know when they're NOT ready to model underpants on TV.  But there it is anyway.  So before you reach for those eatin' pants again, ask the game warden what he'd recommend.  Maybe a lemon cleanse or something.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The lady in the pant suit is done trying to convince you of anything.  That takes way too long, and she and Bill just don't have that kind of time.  What we need now, says Mama, is Formal Deprogramming for your sorry behind so just give up and vote for the Donkey.  So we wanted to find out more about Formal Deprogramming and what's so formal about it – you know, compared to regular deprogramming where they just put salt peter in your food.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

You've got your good AI and you've got your discount AI.  How do you know which one you're getting?  Two tin cans and a piece of string? “Hello – can you hear me.” And the string has a knot in it!  That's discount AI.  Never leave any AI alone and unsupervised.  It could register you to vote in Baltimore and you'd never know it.  Hell the people in Baltimore never knew it either.  So before you let AI in the front door, you better find out who's been feeding it first.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Half of everywhere is infested with men.  So finding a husband isn't that hard.  Finding the right one is.  As an international man of mystery I can help with that, since you're gonna need to know what you're dealing with.  Now remember, men are naturally stinky and have no visible means of support.  And they can sleep standing up.  Only a widow knows where her husband is at all times, so don't expect too much at first.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Have you heard about shrinkage? Everybody's talking about it.  Used to be called stealing, but that was way too honest and could be offensive to simple organisms.  They don't have shrinkage in China or Mexico or even LotaVodka, mainly because they just cut off your hands if you're caught shrinking something into your bag.  Junk Culture tells us that "shrinkage" helps people feel better about themselves, but they probably still won't want to go RV-ing.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands 

If you're thinking about hiring little Johnny from the local high school to come work at your store and sell tube socks, here are some things you need to know.  First, don't expect too much because Johnny can't read and damn sure can't add.  But to be fair, neither can any of the other “graduates.”  But yes, Johnny would love to come work at your store, and thanks for asking, as long as you're paying $42 an hour!  He can do that much math.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands 

Did you know that beer has an expiration date?  After a certain date you're supposed to throw it out because it may not taste like what you'd expect.  But, it's beer right?  You're expecting what exactly?  So beer gets thrown out if it's too old, but Joey gets to keep his job and doesn't get thrown out?  Isn't President Joey expired too?  What's the difference between Joey and old beer?  Both get checked for worms, right?  And both smell like cat pee.” Otis explains in this new Advisory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Here's something you'll want to know about first before signing up for the New America. The Donkey people have decided your beer thermostat should be set at 2 beers per week.  Not 2 per drive home now, that's 2 beers per week - total.  If you're still having Bud Light, where it takes 9 beers to get the job done, you're in even worse shape!  We wanted to know if those little kid-sized bottles of liquor they give you on the airplane count or not?  Otis investigates.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

 Chicago's upper management has now asked the local gang leaders if they would please cooperate and not shoot people in the daytime. "It's scaring the customers," cried Governor Soros!  Just hold off on shooting from 9 in the morning until 9 at night. Then at 9pm hell get after it.  Clock in for a good 12-hours taking care of whoever needs taking care of.  Just promise you'll finish up before 9 in the morning and leave time to clean up the mess. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Country music is a threat to democracy, say the donkey people!  How did that happen?  Complaining about country music and how it makes you grow hair in your ears has always been out there,  When you think about it, you're a lot more likely to be a victim of wife supremacy than have country music get between you and your misery index or fancy golf pants.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Did you know that Hunter is married!  Yes, there's a Mrs. Hunter alright, and sources close to the bone report that she might even own a TV and may have seen what's on the news.  So before the boy comes home again with his tail dragging the gravy, ask yourself this:  what is in it for Mrs. Hunter?  Somewhere there has to be paper on this saying, "Honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple more years, and you getting your own beach house!" Take the bait girl!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Nothing's going right for Lil Hunter.  On his last trip to get a quick puddle dance at the misogynist parlor, Hunter learned that his best friend just went in and told the truth!  Seems both the boys were over in LotaVodka together helping to make China great again when somebody accidentally wrote Joey a  big check.  Ooops!  Big problem.  Lots of explaining.  Now it's a federal beef.   Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Who's the skunk at the lawn party?  Companies are now having to hire something called an Etiquette Director to help the new kids at the office learn how to smell check.  But smell check isn't the only thing the Etiquette Director does – tying your shoes, dealing with white winter itch and knowing how to pass a little air in church without making noise is also on the good manners list.  Otis investigates.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

It's like global warming only this one has long pointy teeth.  Sharks have been really cranky this year biting you and the kids down at the beach, and now we know why. The little buggers have been getting into the bales of coke dumped off the smuggling boats before the heat pulls them over.  Sharks on coke!  With whales washing up from the offshore windmills and crabs that won't stay in the bucket. what is going on?  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The salty scholars of the D'Otis Discount Think Tank & Bait Camp deliver this profile in courage on The Modern Man.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Yes, there are aliens from outer space, wherever that is, and we have a whole warehouse full of them.  Didn't you expect this would be a bigger deal?  But nobody cares. "Outer space – not my problem!  I gotta get my nails done!"  Some guy who looks like a big oyster comes out, you would think HR wants to get involved.  You want diversity, hell, here it is right here!  Ancient Southern philosopher Testicleese joins Otis in this new Advisory.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Everybody knows how much fun it is licking the top of a nine-volt battery.  Kids would line up after school and pass around a fresh Eveready to see who could hold out the longest.  My friend ShortStack always won since he would just swallow one whole and wash it down with some water for a good connection.  Game over.  Nobody ever messed with ShortStack after that.  Fast forward to the Hunter Laptop.  It's been passed around too for everybody to have a lick.  Shocking!  See what happens next!   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.

Nothing is harder to explain than coming home with glitter stuck all over you.  “Where have you been this time Uncle Otis?” What if you were just picking out the perfect thank you card for her and the glitter came off and got into everything.  Party of Two becomes "First Available."  It gets worse in a swing state.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Don't pay when you go to the store.  Save your money.  When you're through shopping just say, “no thanks, I'm good” and walk with whatever you want.  It's all free - limit $1,000 per visit though, just to keep it fair.  You'll say, “put it on the insurance tab” as you smile and head for the parking lot.  That's about it.  Remind the store clerk that those cash registers are just there for decoration.  “Don't stop for that red light, equity will pay your ticket!”  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Next time you're in Target, ask the lady to show you where they keep the Magic Johnson display – now you see it, now you don't.  Probably over with the shrunken heads next to the Well of Souls.  This might be what happens when you're too woke to sleep and the sewer backs up!   But, for now, it might be a good time to put the inflatable ape up on top of the building to give people something else to think about.  Change the mood until the swelling goes down.   Hear Podcast.  Wash Hands.

Now you see it – now you don't.  It's a miracle!  Those special Satan drawers they sell at Target might hurt a bit pulling on, but the fashion statement you'll make is immeasurable.  If you like to keep your business in a junk drawer just to the south, this is definitely for you.  We control the horizontal, but you control the vertical.  And you'll stay like that until somebody comes around to check you for worms.  Hear this special Magic Johnson Advisory - then wash hands, twice.  

This just in from Otis Special Ops on the continuing de-nutification of Harry, formally known as Prince.  It all came to a head in Nueva York when Harry must have broke a nail at the big dance and, along with his co-morbidity Megan suddenly left in a Checker Manhattan that smelled like Rat Pizza.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Ever wonder what's with those trucks with the word FISH written on the side!  That's all it says – just FISH.  Makes you wonder, is it really fish or what are they hiding in there?  Some write FISH on their truck to keep you from being too interested and maybe just leave them  alone.  Well, that's how the white house works.  Somebody just wrote FISH on the white house front door and locked the place up until after the election.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

In the time before filtered water, there was probably one special day when you decided to stop writing bad checks to try to help your credit score.  Well that was a waste of time.  Now they've changed all that. Today, the more you suck the less you pay!  That's right.  Your mortgage payment actually gets lower when your credit score is terrible!  It's a miracle - like a vacation from thinking right.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Are you broke and can't afford your own AI?   There is a substitute - try Memory Foam, it's like A.I. but a lot cheaper.  Memory foam is like a natural diuretic for the shovel ready.  Helps unstick your mind and get back in play.  If you can't remember the girl's name and she's not answering to Giddyap or Lil' Whiskers, you may need some of this memory help.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

If you think clowns are scary, you should see what's on a can of Bud Light.  Some bed wetter who never got a pajama-gram and still hasn't gotten over it is now the new spokes-drunk for Bud Light - the king of near beer.  It's an awful mess.  Otis has the back story.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

in the New America, everyone will have an AI personal assistant to hand to handle the little things, like writing thank you notes.  back when Pluto was a planet and all the and all the cute girls drove Chargers we didn't have it this good.  Otis and the salty scholars from the Bait camp Think Tank explain in this fresh Otis Advisory.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.

Now that we know men can get pregnant, some are beginning to notice how that's just the easy part. The real problem comes later, at birth.  Doctors have looked at the math down there and tried to solve for X.  Definitely a tight fit.  Recommending next time to just stick to cross dressing, like switching from Italian to Greek.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

“Help, help, I'm gender-neutral Barbie and look, there's nothing under the hood!  Who made me like this?  Then, Gender Neutral Barbie met Popeye the Sailor Man – they shared a toy box together.  Popeye helped clear away the fog when he whipped out his brand statement, “I am what I am!” Hear how Barbie finally did update her private's policy thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man!   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

In California, chewing is an act of violence and being replaced with the personal blender.  But, if you move to Syracuse you can get paid not to shoot people. You can even automate this and send in your victim list on the internet.  Somebody'll get back to you with a batch bid on what you could make by not killing the whole bunch as laid out by Governor Soros.  Hear  Podcast ~ Wash Hands.  

Short on cash, start charging to take surveys!  Why not? You're giving up valuable drinking time every time you stop and answer 10 questions about your phone, chat or email experience with Heather from Account Services.  Commander Otis has step-by-step directions from the Discount Think Tank & Bait Camp.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

You know things are tense when both warring tribes have to have their own pillow guy. Donkey people are first to tell you they're not sleeping on any Republican pillow.  “Get that out of my face,” said one teen aged expert.  But be careful, that Green Donkey pillow can sense any accidental attempt at prayer and instantly flip over on you and cover your face to smother out un-hip behavior. That's so Raven – but it's how things get done in Donkey Park.   Commander Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.

It used to be easy to spot the cool kids.  They could ride bikes without holding the handlebars and probably had a shrunken head hanging from their rear-view mirror – might have picked it up from the local surf shop or met up with Downtown Brown after school who fixed ‘em up with one they took off a local tourist around south jetties (at the wrong time) - like being mugged by a neurosurgeon.  There's more to the story. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

It's fun to tease artificial intelligence by making it talk about things that can't be explained – like Texas Hockey or All-Electric NASCAR, or how it is that Hunter is still married.  Or, the thing about putting little Suzie on the bus to school and she comes home as Buck Owens.  Otis and the Salty Scholars explain.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.

You want artificial intelligence?  Fauchi is your guy.  All that chin boogie about “follow the science and put on your eating pants” was just some bumper sticker at the wet market.  It was all just Gain of Fauchi research the whole time!  Definitely do not resuscitate.  Hear Podcast.  Wash Hands.